Chapter Text
Stumbling into the doorway, Zhou Zishu loosened his tie and went about the house in search of his husband. His husband of 2 years, Wen Kexing, had recently distanced himself away from him.
Only responding with nods or soft hums, Kexing had started to leave the house early in the morning with the excuse of looking for a job- which Zishu knew wasn't true because Kexing had never wanted one and always said that he'd rather be a "house husband" and take care of him.
During the weekends when Zishu had no work, Kexing always seemed to be busy. When Zishu tried to initiate physical contact with Kexing, he seemed to draw away and refuse to speak with him about it. It was worse at night. Kexing didn't want to cuddle up with him anymore and that was weird because Kexing always wanted to cuddle. He would push himself as far away as possible from Zishu and crowd at the edge of the bed. Sometimes, he would take his pillows and sleep on the couch.
After 6 months of this, Zhou Zishu had had enough. Had he done something wrong? Because if he was starting to regret their marriage Zishu didn't know what to do. Hell, he didn't even know what Kexing was mad at. Hence, he had made a resolution to ask Kexing about it and hopefully clear up the matter- because Zishu was starting to miss Kexing's cuddles and affections.
This proved to be a problem, however. Because if Kexing didn't even want to talk to him, how would they clear up this matter?
Padding softly upstairs, he opened the bedroom door and- to his surprise, Kexing's huge frame usually curled up against the edge of the bed wasn't there.
Confused, Zishu walked around the house and called out his name in search of his husband.
...
"A'Xing!" Zhou Zishu called for the- almost, tenth time. He had walked around the entire house, and there was no trace of Wen Kexing. Just as he was about to let his panic take over him and use his phone to call his husband, he heard the soft sound of a bottle being set down somewhere downstairs.
The basement. He hadn't checked the basement.
Walking down the dark stairs, he opened up the door and was met with a dimly lit room. At the far corner, was Kexing, surrounded by bottles of beer, hair messy and cheeks flushed. He was curled up, legs pulled to his chest, practically drowning in Zishu's oversized hoodie despite his larger frame. Zishu hadn't seen him wear his clothes in 3 months.
Upon closer inspection, he noticed with a jolt of worry that there were tears streaming down his face. "A'xing? What's wrong?" Wen Kexing didn't reply and deciding that he wasn't going to let this chance slip away, Zishu gently pulled the empty beer bottle away from his husband.
"A'xing... we need to talk."
Wen Kexing looked up at him. There was a look in his eyes that Zhou Zishu had not seen since he first met him 8 years ago. He looked... tired. A kind of tired that wasn't just physical, Zhou Zishu thought. There was also a look of longing is his eyes and Zishu felt a kind of sick relief that he wasn't the only one affected by their lack of affection these past few months.
Kexing reached out and opened a new beer bottle, taking a gulp of it.
"Now? I'm tired... can we talk tomorrow?"
"Love, you said that yesterday."
Wen Kexing looked at him and something in his eyes seemed to soften at the term of endearment before he took another mouthful of the beer and held it out to Zishu. His head was cocked to the side and Zishu knew from their time together that his husband was offering him- not only the beer, but also the opening to a conversation.
Taking the beer bottle and throwing his head back, he drank mouthful after mouthful of the beer. It went down his throat smoothly and he felt the familiar warmth in his belly. With his new found alcohol induced confidence, he passed the beer bottle back to Kexing and started speaking.
"I'll cut straight to the point. why have you been avoiding me?"
"..."
"Did I do something?"
Kexing jerked, like he was struck by lightning.
"no! no you didn't. You didn't do anything, you could never do anything to make me upset. Nothing. This doesn't have anything to do with you, its not your fault. Its just I- I- you're perfect. You've never hurt me before and you take care of me even though I act weird and even when people stare at you and judge you for that. people never understand me and always say there's something wrong with me. sometimes I think I'm crazy- you seem to understand me, and you're the first person to do that. People always never stay with me for long and- and-"
his voice broke and he seemed to shrink into himself.
He was doing it again, jumping and switching topics while rambling. He did this a lot, one of the things Zishu used to attribute to the fact that he didn't grow up in normal circumstances.
Now, after knowing him for 8 years and being married to him for 3 years, he was starting to think it was something else. Something he couldn't put his finger on.
Kexing took a long gulp of the beer he was drinking and exhaled shakily.
"then... what's wrong? why have you been pushing yourself away?"
"I- I think I'm- I- I found out something... but I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you would leave me and- and I don't want that to happen. And I had foreseen a lot of things happening- Just had to make sure. Had to make sure that at least this one was in control. Didn't expect this to happen"
Zishu was getting more confused, Kexing never usually spoke like this more than once in a conversation- and he had already done it once.
Zishu bent down, and gently took Kexing's hand. Circling his thumb on his hand, he softly said.
"Breathe, take a deep breath"
Kexing's chest rose as he visibly followed Zishu's instructions. After deeming him calm, Zishu decided to continue.
"didn't expect what to happen?"
seeing that Kexing seemed to shrink into himself even more, and was starting to pull his hand back, Zishu gripped his hand a little tighter and whispered.
"Its alright hm? whatever it is that's happening I'll be here with you. But I cant help you unless you tell me what's wrong... A'xing ah, I'm worried."
"A'xu..." Kexing whimpered and lurched forward into Zishu's chest, beer forgotten. He curled up there and buried his face into Zishu's neck like an oversized baby.
"I just- everything feels so... out of control. I hate this feeling."
Zishu gently stroked his head and held him a little tighter, encouraging him to go on.
"Everything's falling apart" he whispered "and I feel so... so alone"
His voice broke and Zishu felt his heart pang with worry and confusion.
"Alone? you're not alone sweetheart. You have me and Ah Xiang and-"
"no." Kexing choked out "no I don't."
Now Zishu was very, very worried.
"I'm here though, A'xing. I'm here. Here with you."
Kexing looked up, bright, precious doe eyes wide and teary. Through them, Zishu saw something else. something that was very close to doubt. Zishu turned his head and pressed a kiss to Kexing's temple.
"Haven't I made it clear? A'xing- ah. these 8 years together, haven't I shown you how much I love you?"
"its not- its not that! I know you love me... I do." his voice stuttered off at the end, as if unsure.
Suddenly, Kexing was sobbing.
Zishu looked at him with wide eyes. holding him tighter in his arms, he tried thinking frantically of what they had just said between them that would make him cry like that.
Kexing was now trembling, soft sobs turning into full on loud, sad wailing. Zishu's neck was getting alarmingly wet.
"A'xing? A'xing?"
Zishu tried pulling away to look at his face, to ask him what was wrong. but Kexing held him even tighter- if that was possible, as if he were stranded at sea in a storm and holding on to a sinking boat.
"Kexing... look at me. tell me what's wrong."
zishu coaxed him, growing increasingly desperate. Kexing ignored Zishu's pleas and continued crying.
Kexing's sobs were the only sound in the room and with each tear- filled exhale, Zishu felt his heart breaking a little bit more.
Zishu was at a loss, he didn't know what to do. gently rocking Kexing back and forth and petting his head, he racked his brain for a solution.
surely A'xing's friends knew what to do, they grew up with him, maybe this happened before and he was just not handling it right.
"A'xing... should I call your friends?"
then, his crying died off and his tear stricken face grew blank.
"you can't. you wouldn't be able to."
his voice was worryingly flat, face and voice void of any reaction.
"I can't? why? couldn't I just call them to come over?"
a long silence followed. Kexing stared blankly at nothing with tears streaming down his face and Zishu started to think. He realized, he had never seen Kexing's friends before, maybe- maybe they got into a fight? the last time both of them had fought, Kexing had closed himself off like this.
not being able to think of any other thing to do, Zishu pressed a kiss to his forehead before gently guiding Kexing's head to his neck again. then, he started to sing softly.
...
it had been about an hour and Kexing was starting to look better, even though he was still shaking lightly in Zishu's hold. running his hand through Kexing's hair, Zishu kissed him and with his other hand, stroked his cheek.
"feeling better?" he whispered.
Kexing looked at him- still shaking with silent tears running down his cheeks, but nodded.
"can you tell me what's wrong now?"
Kexing's tears seemed to roll down faster as he grabbed Zishu's sweater at his chest and for a moment Zishu was worried that he had miscalculated, that Kexing was not actually okay and that he might break down again. but Kexing leaned his forehead on his shoulder and sucked in a small breath.
"they don't exist"
His voice was so small Zishu almost didn't hear it. He felt his confusion spike up again.
"Don't exist? who?"
Kexing held on a little tighter and whimpered. "Ah Xiang and Xiao Cao... they don't- they don't exist" his voice cracked.
"How could they not exist? you grew up with them." Zishu softly whispered, wrapping his arms around Kexing tighter.
"I made them up in my mind." he weakly sobbed out "they never existed. they never appeared at that mansion and never stayed with me at that hospital. That's why- that's why they always disappeared and nobody ever seemed to see them."
Zishu was silent, he didn't know how to respond to that. Kexing sounded so broken, but so sure.
He wasn't lying. There wasn't any reason for him to, anyway.
"My whole life... I made them up. I only found out 3 months ago when a nurse saw me talking to air at the hospital..." Zishu remembered Kexing saying before that Ah Xiang and Xiao Cao still stayed at the hospital. He never said why, and Zishu had never asked.
"She referred me to a psychiatrist but i've been trying to sort out my head this past few months. And-"
Kexing trailed off and Zishu found himself being stared at by a pair of eyes that were quickly filling with tears. They were wary, as if he were steeling himself for something.
"and to make sure that you were-"
he was interrupted yet again by a sob clawing itself out of his chest. a broken look overtook his features before he sobbed out, voice straining. "and to make sure that you were real."
...
Zishu laid Kexing down on the bed softly, careful not to disturb him too much before climbing in beside him. Kexing had fallen asleep awhile ago, exhaustion and the alcohol finally overtaking him.
Holding him tightly, he felt Kexing nuzzle closer to him.
after Kexing had said that sentence, he had broken down again. but this time, Zishu had known what to do. He had held him as tight as he could, rocking him back and forth and pressing kisses to his eyelids, forehead and then cheeks, he had proceeded to whisper words of reassurance into A'xing's ears while firmly repeating to him again and again that he was real and that he was there with him.
Somewhere around midnight, the cries had died down and he had collapsed against Zishu, exhaustion painting his features. Zishu had then carried him to the bathroom to clean him up before bringing him to bed.
Now, Zhou Zishu had an idea forming in his head why his husband talked, acted and reacted the way he did. The idea was there, but Zishu didn't know if he dared to reach out and grab it.