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Telling both of your brothers that you’re gay on the same day is very stress-inducing--and unexpectedly surprising--in Ponyboy’s personal experience.
“Lordy Soda, I don’t know if I can do this,” Pony said, pacing their room and practically chewing his nails off. It wasn’t every day that you told your scary older brother that you have a slightly rocky relationship with about the fact that you have constant homosexual thoughts.
It wasn’t that they had a bad relationship, the two of them just… didn’t get along particularly well. Since their parents had died, Darry had been thrust into a parental role for both of his younger brothers, meaning that he was extra hard on them--well, mostly Ponyboy. Pony tends to make rash decisions and not think things through before he does them, which frustrates Darry to no end, so they butt heads. Recently, with the help of Soda getting them to actually articulate what they were feeling to each other, their relationship was starting to return to a better state. Still, the reparation process had only just started.
“Hey, you know I’m gonna be right there too, don’tcha?” Soda reassured him. He had long given up with Gone with the Wind once again and was opting instead to flip through some men’s magazine on the bed. “Remember if it goes sour, I ain’t gonna let him do anythin’ to you, you got that?”
“I know, Sodapop, but knowin’ still doesn’t calm down my thoughts,” Pony retorted harshly. Then, he felt bad for snapping at his brother. “I’m sorry. I can get all snippy when I’m real anxious.”
“It’s good, Pony, I understand,” Soda said. “But I’m tellin’ you, nothin’ bad is gonna happen. Darry ain’t like that.”
Ponyboy groaned, flopping back onto the bed. “You keep sayin’ that, but you don’t know for sure, now do you?”
Soda hummed. “Maybe not, but I’ve gained a good sense for these things over the years.” A nonchalant expression on his face, he looked up at his brother. “It’s like a sixth-sense that comes with the homosexual tendencies.”
Pony paused for a moment to take that statement in but chose to ignore the “homosexual tendencies” comment for the moment. “...will I get that thing?”
Soda had looked back down at his magazine in the time it took Pony to respond. “Since you could get jumped by the someone if the wrong person found out you like to exchange saliva with other fellas, I’d say it’s a pretty vital thing to have,” he replied. “So, yes.”
“I…”
“Don’t worry, kid brother,” Soda said, patting his head. “I’ll teach you all there is to know.”
“What do you mean ‘all there is’?” Pony asked.
“I’ll take you to one-a the Shepards’ parties one of these days,” Soda told him. “You’ll get it then.”
Why the Shepards? Ponyboy was left confused by that, but he didn’t have much more time to think about it when he heard the front door slam closed--which announced that Darry was home.
“I’m back,” Darry shouted into the house.
Soda looked to Ponyboy. “You ready?”
“I think so,” Pony said. His entire body felt wobbly and unstable, so he inhaled deeply through his nose and closed his eyes. “Yeah. It’s now or never.”
Soda squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “Here we go.”
The two of them exited their room. Pony headed to the sink for a glass of water to give him something to focus on. Darry was also in the kitchen, digging through the fridge, presumably to find something to turn into their dinner.
“Hey Darry,” Pony greeted as he went to grab his glass.
“Hey Pony,” Darry replied, then looked to Soda, who was making his way to the counter, “Soda.”
“Hey there, Superdope,” Soda said, hopping onto the counter next to the cutting board Darry had put on it. “How was your day, big brother?”
“It was just fine, Sodapop,” he said, not looking away from his task. He took out a head of lettuce, an onion, and some bell peppers, then walked over to the cutting board Soda was sitting near. “Now what are you doin’ askin’ me about my day? That’s real outta character for you, Pepsi Cola.”
Soda made a nervous glance at Ponyboy before putting on his dazzling phony grin. “Aww, nonsense, I wonder how you’re doin’ all the time, don’t I? Surely you don’t think I’m heartless enough to not wanna talk to you?”
“When you did ask me about my day, once upon a time, the conversation typically progresses inta me tellin’ you what happened, and you tunin’ out within seconds of my story,” Darry said flatly, simultaneously cutting up the bell peppers. “Or is your pure boredom of my work anecdotes not the reason you stopped askin’ me?”
“Ah, you’ve got me, Darry,” Soda said in mock surrender, putting up his hands. “I don’t really care about the Daring Escapades of Darrel the Roofer.”
“So then what’s got you makin’ small talk all of a sudden, Curtis?” Darry asked.
“We, er…” He glanced at Pony again, and mouthed, “Are you ready?”
Ponyboy took a sip of his water, hands shaking slightly, and nodded.
Soda nodded back. “Ponyboy and I needed to tell you about something.”
Darry looked up from his vegetables at Soda, then turned so he was facing both of his brothers. “What is it?”
“Well, it’s not a huge deal--at least we hope it’s not,” Soda said. “But just give us each a little time to talk before you react, sound good?”
Darry cocked an eyebrow. “You two didn’t get inta some trouble did you? ‘Cause I don’t think you wanna break that to me while I’m near all of our sharp kitchen utensils.”
Soda laughed lightly. “Luckily for us that’s not it. Though I’ll keep that in mind the next time I want to confess any of my public offenses to you.”
Darry rolled his eyes at that, a slight smile on his lips nonetheless. “So is this a joint confession thing or…?”
“Did you want to go first, Pony?” Soda asked his younger brother gently. Ponyboy, still sipping on his glass of water to distract himself, had been lost in his thoughts once Soda finished asking him if he was ready to tell Darry. Tell Darry that they’re both queer. That they both wanna kiss boys, or in Soda’s case, have kissed boys. Pony could never think Soda was dirty or disgusting or nothing but some kind of fairy, and surely Darry wouldn’t either, but Darry doesn’t like Pony as much as he likes their middle brother. Pony isn’t sure if he wouldn't have a problem calling him all of those things. In front of Soda no less, who would yell at him to stop, but to no avail because Darry might just keep yelling at him while ignoring Soda and--
“Ponyboy?” Soda said louder, snapping him out of his daze.
Pony jumped, startled. “Sorry… what did you say?”
“I was asking you if…” he paused. “If I should go first. Is that okay?”
“Oh! Uh… go ahead Soda.”
Pony internally scolded himself. He knew that Darry would and could never do something like that to either of them. Despite the constant thoughts that Darry doesn’t love him nearly as much as Soda, Pony knows that it isn’t true. Darry’s even told him so himself. And, now that they were working to mend their relationship after their parents’ death, Darry’s done nothing but show how much he cares for his youngest brother. Yet, Ponyboy’s brain had really been betraying his logical reasoning skills at the time. And apparently his ability to stay focused on conversations. At least he was tuning in now.
Well, if “tuning in” counts as analyzing every micro-expression made by his brothers to try and see exactly how they were both feeling, then he was indeed tuning in.
“Alright,” Soda said. He was fidgeting with his fingers. “So, Darry… Steve. You know Steve, Steve Randle, my best friend, Steve. Well, funny thing is that, years and years ago, in just the 6th grade, the two of us would talk about our future gals. Y’know, as you do with your best buddy--talk about girls and sports and your future and all that. But while talkin’ about these made-up girls, we thought, ‘well, it would sure suck if these future ladies were expectin’ us to be all great and cool at makin’ out and all that but we didn’t know anythin’ about that kinda thing’ right? So, as a best friend does, Steve offered to help with that predicament we had there, and, I’m very glad that he did ‘cause without him doin’ what he did, I probably wouldn’t know everythin’ about myself that I know n--”
“For the love of Pete, Pepsi Cola, spit it out,” Darry interjected, arms now crossed.
“Steve was my first kiss,” Soda blurted. He had stopped twiddling his fingers. He then rushed out, “And I liked kissin’ him. And my second kiss was with a girl named Debby and I about liked that just as much. Point is, I’ve kissed girls and I’ve kissed guys and I’ve crushed on girls and I’ve crushed on guys and I’ve dated a girl and right now I’m dating a guy and I’m goin’ steady with ‘im and that guy is Steve.”
Soda blew out a breath and he looked Darry right in the eyes. “So. There it is.”
“Oh. That’s all?” Darry said. “Well, thanks for tellin’ me, I’m proud of you and all that. And congrats on your relationship with Steve.”
Pony’s eyes widened. That was… probably the best thing that could’ve happened? Well, aside from some crazy unrealistic scenario in which their parents could simultaneously tell him they accepted him after being revived from the dead.
Realistically though, this was definitely on the best-case scenario end of things.
There was a pause. Soda simply blinked at Darry. “...that’s it?”
“I mean, it’s not a big deal, right?” He said. “Besides, you’re my kid brother and I’ll always love you for it. Doesn’t matter what you do or are.”
There was another beat of silence, this one filled with Pony’s eyes flitting between his brothers, Soda raising his eyebrows slightly, and Darry picking up his knife again to continue preparing the vegetables, now moving onto the onion.
“Oh, but this does mean that you and Steve can’t sleep in the same room when he comes over now,” Darry told Soda, now peeling the onion.
“I'm almost seventeen, Darry. We’ve had sex before,” Soda said nonchalantly, rolling his eyes.
Ponyboy nearly dropped his glass of water at that. He was saved from breaking it, but he did unfortunately do a genuine spit take.
Darry, without missing a beat, replied, “You won’t in this house.”
Soda blinked down at him once again. “You’re serious?”
“Hundred percent,” Darry said, arms still crossed and eyebrows slightly raised.
The two of them seemed entirely focused on each other, as neither had taken the time to point out the fact that Pony was now having a coughing fit. It was a relatively short one that lasted a few seconds tops, but it also only takes a few seconds to choke and die. Pony internally (and snarkily) thanked both of his brothers for allowing him to pass away in the middle of their kitchen.
“I…” Soda started, then furrowed his brow. “Okay then Darry…”
“What, Soda? Just ‘cause you’re older now you--” Darry sighed. He seemed frustrated, but cut himself off. “Sorry. I just… I don’t want you to get inta anythin’ that you’ll regret in the future.”
Pony had noticed Soda’s eyes flash with… anger? It was only a second, but he was sure he saw it. What about that made him mad? Soda had always been an easy-going, not-one-to-hold-grudges kinda guy, so it took a lot to make him actually angry. But, instead of wasting time thinking about that, Ponyboy decided now was a good time for him to take the leap and confess his secret too.
“Uh, guys?”
Darry and Soda turned to him expectantly, both slightly agitated after their last few comments. Now, Darry’s eyes usually seemed to be boring straight into Pony’s soul whenever they made direct contact, but now that: a- Darry was in a frustrated state, and b- Ponyboy’s fight-or-flight reflex was on higher alert than usual, the effect was worsened by about twice the amount.
Maybe a simple leap wasn’t going to get him far enough.
But then he realized, it was nothing but nerves speaking. He turned to look at Soda. He was looking back at him, his expressive eyes and face both screaming their full support. And then, looking back at Darry, he realized that his reaction was nothing to be scared of. There was nothing to be scared of. Soda already accepted him, and he knew for 100% certain that Darry would too. They’re his brothers that’ll love him no matter what.
Screw a leap, all Pony needed was a small hop.
“Can I… go now?” Pony asked.
The two of them nodded, attention fully on him. Both of their faces had softened. He can do this.
“Okay, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell a story, okay?” Pony said nervously, tapping his fingers on his water glass. “It might, uh, take a second, but please listen.”
His brothers nodded once again. Ponyboy took a drink, then a deep breath.
“Um… since I was little, I’ve always felt like… I’ve been on the outside of things. Kinda like… my mindset ain’t the same as other kids. They would be doin’ stuff like playin’ ball outside while I just wanted to sit and do the daily crossword with Dad. I’d be paintin’ a canvas with watercolors or somethin’ while the neighbor kids in my class were roughhousin’ in their lawns. All the other kids in school took ages to learn stuff but I’d have the entire material down to a T before we were done learnin’ it. So, I’d always known I thought a bit different than everyone else.
“That first year we started gettin’ inta junior high, I heard some of the boys talkin’ about gettin’ nice little girlies for ‘emselves. But I’d never really understood it. I mean, I’d always admired girls and appreciated that they’re pretty, but it never went past that. I asked Soda why I didn’t like girls yet, and he just told me that I’d grow inta it. I didn’t end up doin’ that, though.”
Darry raised an eyebrow in Soda’s direction, who replied with a sheepish expression and a hand on the back of his neck.
Pony continued, looking down at his hands as he messed with the side of the water glass. “At this point, I’m still in the 6th grade. I’m sittin’ down in my homeroom class on the first day, and seconds before the bell rang a boy ran in the door and sat on next to me. He looked kinda roughed up from dashin’ in the door like that. And right when our teacher started talkin’, he started talkin’ to me. He was tellin’ me all about how his mom almost left him that mornin’ ‘cause she was nearly runnin’ late for work and then started introducin’ himself. He went and explained that his mom named him Darcy after Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, so I told ‘im that my dad named me Ponyboy and my brother Sodapop ‘cause he always wanted to be different. Then we started havin’ a fight about who’s name was cooler. He said it was mine because it was just so crazy and abstract, I said it was his cause he was named after a book character and I love books, but we got too loud and the teacher sent us out in the hall. We didn’t really care though. We just laughed at nothin’ with each other until the teacher came out there to lecture us.
“After that, Darcy was kinda my best friend at school and we did everythin’ together. That’s when I…” Pony paused and swallowed. Tears were lightly pricking at his eyes—not as much as they did when he told Soda, but he was getting emotional nonetheless. Instead of going for the big reveal then, he wanted to elaborate on his feelings more.
“When I was around him, my stomach would feel all fluttery and twisty and my cheeks would get all red. He’d always cheat offa my homework and tests but I didn’t mind ‘cause I couldn’t help but let ‘im when his pretty green eyes looked right at me. I always made sure I packed some extra lunch ‘cause his mom sometimes didn’t have a lotta groceries to split between him and his sisters. And when we’d work on a project together and our knees would bump or our hands would brush my knees’d get all wobbly. It’s funny thinkin’ about it now, but I actually read Pride and Prejudice just so I could make jokes about Mr. Darcy with ‘im.
“I asked Two-Bit about it once when I ran into him after comin’ home late from track. Not that it was about Darcy, but the rest of the stuff. And he went and teased me about havin’ my first crush and then…” Pony looked up at his brothers. “I realized that I did have a crush. On Darcy. Who was a boy.” His voice cracked. “And it was real scary.
“Every time I was around him, now that I knew it was a crush, my head felt like it was gonna explode with guilt ‘cause I felt… disgustin’ for likin’ ‘im. After that semester was over I asked to have my seat moved somewhere else in my classes with Darcy, so eventually, we just drifted apart. I always feel so bad for doin’ that to ‘im ‘cause he’s such a good guy, but… I couldn’t’ve forgave myself if I ended up messin’ things up by tellin’ him what I thought. So I grew outta my crush.
“But in that second semester,” Pony had looked back down at his hands, “I had started to hang around someone else more. I’d known ‘im for a long time, since we were 8, and we were real close friends. But I think we got a bit closer over that year since we started doin’ more stuff just the two of us, like readin’ and tradin’ our comics and watchin’ movies and all that. The next year he started goin’ to high school, but that didn’t really matter ‘cause we hadn’t seen each other in school much before then anyways. But every weekend after school, we’d always look at the clouds and point out their funny shapes, and then I’d show him constellations after it got dark. I think I actually taught him a lot of ‘em over that year.
“Now, I’m in high school with ‘im since I got bumped up that grade. We’re in lots more classes together since now we’re only a year apart, so we always do projects together and he cheats offa my English homework just like Darcy did. But I realized just a little while ago that… what I feel for ‘im is a lot like what I felt for Darcy two years ago.”
This was it. His big moment of truth about a certain someone.
“One night we were out in the lot, doin’ our usual thing of lookin’ at clouds and stars, and we were talkin’ about everythin’ and nothin’ all at once just like we always do.” Pony smiled. “God, he’ll always make me laugh, no matter if he’s literally sayin’ nothin’. But that night, I had made him laugh. And he laughed so hard that he had to curl up and grab his stomach. And seein’ ‘im smile that big in such a pretty, pretty way and hearin’ ‘im laugh his surprisingly loud and resonant laugh…
“I realized that I’m in love with Johnny Cade.”
It was silent. A pin could’ve dropped in their kitchen and they would’ve heard it. Pony had closed his eyes, willing himself not to get emotional and start sobbing in front of Darry. But it was getting difficult not to. It was too silent for too long.
“Damn, Pony, that was more than I got when you told me,” Soda said, suddenly. Ponyboy looked up to see him grinning ridiculously wide, yet with eyes still watering. Darry hit his arm.
“Ignore him,” Darry said. He turned to Pony and looked him in his eyes. For once, Pony could see that Darry’s eyes weren’t an icy blue, but more a calm ocean blue. Their gentleness really seemed to shift their appearance. “Thank you for trustin’ me with your story, Ponyboy. You know I love you, just as much as I ever have, alright?”
Pony nodded in response, still desperately trying to keep the faucet behind his eyes off. Darry opened his arms to hug Pony, and he tearily obliged. After a moment, Darry looked at Soda expectantly, and he also jumped to join their little huddle.
The three of them sat in silence once again, only a comfortable one this time. But after a moment…
“It’s funny, I probably should tell you two somethin’ too,” Darry said. “I’m also into fellas.”
Ponyboy reared back from their group hug in shock. “What??”
Their brother chuckled. “Yeah, same as you Pony. I’ve never liked girls.”
“That’s… somehow both shocking and unsurprising,” Soda laughed.
Pony was dumbfounded. Then, he felt stupid. “So you’re tellin’ me that this entire time, I never had to be as frightened as I was about confessin’ my feelin’s ‘cause BOTH of you would’ve understood?”
Both of his brothers laughed at that. Soda said, “I guess not, Pony.”
Pony felt his eye twitch slightly. He sighed. “I’m just not gonna think about it.”
“Good,” Darry grinned. Then, he grabbed Pony and pulled him into a headlock. “All you should hafta think about right now is helpin’ set the table.” He let him go. “Could you grab the salad bowls?”
Pony rolled his eyes, but he still smiled. “If you insist.”
It felt good knowing that the balance between the three brothers’ relationship was slowly repairing itself. And, ironically enough, what Ponyboy initially thought would tear them apart likely brought them closer.
The three of them assumed their respective jobs for that night: Darry actually making the dinner, Pony getting the table done, and Soda getting some kind of drink for each of them. It was an absence of speaking replaced by a lot of white noise… and it felt comfortable.
Suddenly, Soda paused the opening of Darry’s beer. “Pony… did you prepare that speech before-hand or was it really all on the spot?”
“Soda!”