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Ponyboy was anxious.
It’s not unusual for him to be. After all, Ponyboy has been told he’s a bit of an overthinker, and he has to agree. But he wasn’t anxious because of the usual meaningless, anxiety-induced thoughts in his brain.
No, Pony was anxious because of one Johnny Cade.
He was never anxious around Johnny, and that was the problem. Being with him makes Pony feel like everything is right in the world and everything is okay. Watching sunsets, stargazing, reading, playing cards--all of the things he did with Johnny stilled his overactive brain and caused the anxiety to fade away. All that matters in those times are the activity at hand and the two of them, nothing and no one else.
Of course, Ponyboy doesn’t get anxious around his brother, Sodapop. But that was different. No matter if they did the exact same things Pony and Johnny did, the former didn’t feel the same atmosphere when he was with Soda. The two of them are thick as thieves, both brothers and the best of friends, and have been together their entire lives. In fact, Soda is probably his favorite person in the world, and he loves him as such. But it still doesn’t feel the same.
Meaning... Ponyboy loves Johnny in a way he’s scared to admit.
He’s known that he’s loved Johnny in some way of course because he loves all of the gang. His brothers, Two-bit, Dally, and even Steve. They’re a family and they support and look out for each other. Pony loves his brothers the same way he loves the other members of the gang… except for Johnny.
Because, to Pony, Johnny Cade is special. His tan skin always glows a warm, light amber, and his eyes sparkle bright despite their darkness. His hands are calloused yet soft and he has a small mole just behind his ear. He has a scar on his cheek caused by the rings of a drunk, angry Soc and lots of other scars and bruises everywhere because of his father. He looks small and young for his age, but he’s seen and experienced things that only someone older should. He tends to be timid and shy, but with Pony, he cracks jokes and witty remarks that always leave Pony in stitches. Neither a genuine smile nor laugh of his appears often, but when he shows one, it’s bright and happy yet somber all at once--and Ponyboy adores it. He adores every single thing about Johnny and thinks everything about him is beautiful. To Ponyboy, he deserves the moon and the stars, and the entire galaxy.
...Which is exactly why Pony is so anxious when he thinks about Johnny.
When he describes what he thinks of Johnny, it feels too close to something that he should be feeling for girls. But Ponyboy hasn’t ever felt like this for a girl, not even those who were interested in him.
Like in the first grade: a girl told her she had a crush on him and he ran away and cried. Or in the seventh grade, he nearly threw up when the most popular girl at school had tried to kiss him at their school dance. (There were other factors like the too-sugary punch and bad cupcakes involved, but the experience scared Ponyboy away from girls for a while regardless.) Once, Two-bit had tried to set him up with his then girlfriend’s little sister, and Pony had to make an excuse about finishing his homework to get out of having to go.
So, needless to say, Ponyboy has never been too keen on girls. Sodapop has always told him that he’s probably just a late bloomer and will grow to be interested in them at some point, and while Pony hoped and hoped that that would be true, it just never happened.
Hence his anxiety: when the other guys describe how they feel about their girls, Pony can only think of Johnny. He’s been taught by society that it’s wrong for him to feel the way he does... Hearing other guys called a fairy, fag, queer… the thought made his stomach churn. The very possibility of anyone learning the way he feels made his head feel like a tornado was running through it--wild and quick and terrifying thoughts racing through his brain, spiking his anxiety even more. And after what Johnny went through with those Socs a while back… if something happened to Johnny because of him, Ponyboy could never forgive himself.
He has no idea what his parents would’ve thought about his feelings, but Ponyboy can’t imagine them treating him any differently no matter what they thought. His father was the kindest person he knew, and he always said he’d love the three of them unconditionally, no matter what. His mother was the same way, compassionate, loving, and golden. He’s sure that they would be at the very least tolerant of him, but his oldest brother might be a different story.
His relationship with Darry had gotten better recently, but he still had no idea how Darry would react to finding out his kid brother was some kind of homo. Pony has never been able to figure Darry out like he has other people. So, being completely in the dark about his possible reaction would not be good for his anxiousness.
But, there is one person that he could conceivably tell: Soda. Soda is everything good about their parents wrapped into his own person, and Pony (in theory) knows that he would love him no matter what. So, nothing truly bad could come from telling Soda… right? As he approached their bedroom door, he wished on his lucky stars that his reasoning wasn’t flawed.
Riddled with that same anxiousness, Ponyboy’s heart felt like it was simultaneously stuck in his throat and his stomach. Taking a deep breath, he knocked. “Sodapop?”
“Come in, Pony.”
Ponyboy opened the door and saw Soda sitting on their bed, holding the former’s copy of Gone with the Wind. It was a gift from Johnny for his birthday that year. “I remember you sayin’ something about it one time. And we went to see the movie together, so… I’d figured you’d wanna read it too,” is what Johnny had said after Ponyboy had gotten the gift. It made his heart swell at the thought that Johnny paid attention to the little things about him.
“Uh, Earth to Ponyboy?” Soda said, snapping his brother out of his daze. Pony hadn’t even noticed he got lost in his thoughts. “You gonna actually come in or are you just gonna stand in the middle of the doorway?”
Ponyboy flushed in embarrassment. “Yeah, sorry.” He closed the door carefully behind him. “I… need to talk to you about somethin’.”
Soda cocked his eyebrow. “Serious somethin’ or just-tryna-waste-my-time-for-fun somethin’?”
“Um. Serious somethin’.” Pony was twiddling his thumbs and looking down, heart-pumping fast. Suddenly, his anxiety had spiked yet again, causing the back of his neck and his ears to burn.
Soda regained his neutral expression and sat the book down on his bedside table. “I wasn’t gettin’ far in your fancy book anyway.”
When Soda looked up at him expectantly, Ponyboy’s throat felt closed up, like how it feels when you’re about to cry but you’re trying really hard not to. And he wouldn’t admit this to most people, but he in fact was about to cry.
“Um… don’t say anythin’ before-before…” Pony swallowed hard, pushing down the horrible feeling building in his throat, “before I finish, okay?”
Soda’s expression softened and he nodded, then patted the place next to him on the bed for Pony to sit. He obliged and sat beside his brother. His favorite person. If Soda shunned him, well--Ponyboy shut his eyes tight to not let the tears spill over--he didn’t know if he could live.
“Take your time, okay?” Soda said gently, putting a hand on Ponyboy’s shoulder. Eyes still shut, he nodded twice quickly and inhaled deeply through his nose. “Okay.”
“So… remember when I was younger, when-whenever girls would be all, uh, nice to me? I would get all shy and run away from them?” he started slowly. “Or... how when you guys’d ask if I, uh, if I’ve… ever liked a girl? But I always say no and that I don’t really care about that kinda thing?”
Pony paused for a second. When he was met with an awkward silence, Pony clarified, “Um… if I ask a question you can--”
“Oh, duh,” Soda said, hitting himself on the head and putting on a slight grin. “Yeah, I remember.”
Ponyboy could tell he was trying to lighten the mood for his sake, and he was very grateful that Soda made it so easy to have a conversation with him. Pony likes to think of him as a people person; always reading emotions, picking up on the mood, mixing in the right amount of levity for a serious conversation to not make it feel uncomfortable. Soda’s always understood how he was feeling, which made him the perfect person to confide in. Whether Ponyboy wanted to rave on for hours about his latest English assignment or just to be in someone’s presence after being in a sour mood all day, Soda always knows how to both talk and listen. Ponyboy couldn’t deal with losing that. He felt the tears building behind his eyes again.
“Hey, you’re spacin’ out again,” Soda said gingerly. “You good?”
“Sorry,” Ponyboy said, embarrassed once again. The tears were still threatening to fall. “I’m makin’ this more difficult than it needs to be.”
“You’re takin’ your own pace,” his brother said. His eyes had a subtle sense of understanding in them. “Like I said, take all the time you need. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
“Okay,” Pony said, taking a breath to calm himself. “I’m gonna… keep goin’ now.”
“Like I said I… never cared about girls, you know? I mean, it’s not that I don’t think they’re pretty or nothin’ but…” he thought over his word choice. “I guess I never really understood why them bein’ pretty is a big deal an’ all. So I’ve just… focused on other things.
“But, er, when I was in junior high, there was... someone that I knew that I really liked bein’ around, y’know? I would sit next to ‘em in classes and offer to do both of our homework and share my lunch and things,” Pony explained. “Every little thing, I would wanna do with or for this person. And… it was probably my first crush, thinkin’ back on it. But, I didn’t wanna think that then ‘cause…”
Ponyboy’s hands were shaking despite how hard he was balling them up, his heart was pounding harder than it ever had, and he was burning up. No matter how bad the uncomfortable fluttering in his stomach and throat were, this was it. He had to say it now.
“‘Cause… this pers-person was…” Pony choked out. “Um… was named Darcy. And, Darcy had the nicest, silky brown hair, and honey-colored eyes, and tons of freckles all over… and…” Ponyboy closed his eyes, “he was just so pretty.”
It was silent for a moment, Pony waiting with bated breath before he started to panic.
He opened his eyes and, against his will, the tears flew out. “I’m sorry Sodapop.”
But once he focused on his brother’s face, he realized that he wasn’t appalled, sickened, repulsed, not even judgemental. In fact, it was the complete opposite. Soda was looking back at him with a smile--his genuine one, not the fake movie star version. It was so genuinely happy and glowing and just made Ponyboy cry even more.
“Why in the world are you sorry, Pony?” Soda softly, eyes tearing up as well. “There’s nothin’ to apologize for.”
Suddenly, Ponyboy made to hug his brother, sobbing and weeping relentlessly as he wrapped his arms around his back tightly, burying his face into his shoulder. He whispered, “I don’t know, Soda…”
He felt Soda hug him back. “Then don’t apologize, hun.” Then, he heard Soda give a choked-up laugh. “Geez, kid, now I’m cryin’ too.”
Pony let out a half-laugh and half-sob before sitting back again. “You’re not… mad? ...disgusted?”
“Why should I be?” Soda smiled, still teary-eyed. “You’re my kid brother. I’ll love you no matter what, y’know.”
“I-I know, but… sometimes it--it sometimes don't go that way,” Pony sobbed. “And I just… couldn’t live knowing you…”
Sodapop’s grin dropped instantly. He looked as if his heart had broken in half. He started crying harder and pulled Pony back into another hug. “Oh Pony… I promise, I could never even imagine hatin’ you just ‘cause you don’t like broads, or anythin’ else about you. Okay?”
Ponyboy nodded.
“And, thank you for trustin’ me enough to tell me,” Soda said.
Pony laughed shakily once again. “You know I’ll always tell you everything, Soda.”
They sat there for a minute in silence, Soda allowing his brother to feel everything he needed to and cry it out, which left Pony continuing to cry softly into Soda’s shirt. It felt good to know that he’d always have at least one person with him.
“Actually, Pony,” Soda started after a minute or so. He pulled out of the hug once again. “There’s something I’ve been meanin’ to talk to you about.”
Ponyboy looked at him a bit inquisitively. Sodapop laughed.
“I mean, it’s nothing bad, of course,” he said. “Maybe to alotta people actually, but that’s not really the point.”
This only made Pony feel more confused, but he told Soda to go on.
“So… you’re sayin’ that you’ve only really had an interest in boys, aren’t ya?” Soda asked, still being as gentle as ever with his words.
Ponyboy flushed in embarrassment yet again, despite knowing now that he doesn’t have to be embarrassed. “Um, yeah.”
“Well for me, I’ve always liked girls. Y’know, I had some crushes and dated some broads… even fell in love with one. But, I like boys too,” Soda said. He chuckled lightly. “Didya know that was possible? I’ve had crushes that I didn’t realize were crushes at the time, and I’ve always been interested in ‘em. In fact, my first ever kiss was with a guy.”
At that, Ponyboy was sort of… astounded, honestly. He never thought that Sodapop Curtis, alleged ladies man and skirt-chaser, would’ve had his first kiss with another guy. It didn’t seem conceivable to him that a guy so perfect and charismatic, who attracts girls like flies to honey, even had an interest in boys at all. But he didn’t care about that. He accepted and loved his brother no matter what, just like he did him. He was just happy that his brother was able to fully understand where he’s coming from.
hi
“R...really?”
“Mhm. And, I’m in love with a guy too. And I’m goin’ out with him.”
Pony couldn’t believe it. His brother was dating someone this entire time? Granted, it makes sense that he wouldn’t tell him about it, but Pony still had tons of questions.
“That’s a bit to unpack there, Sodapop,” he said, still slightly stunned. “Can I… ask about him?”
Soda chuckled again. “As many questions as you want.”
“How long have you known him? How long have you been together? Do I know him? How…” Pony paused. “How did you know you love him?”
“Geez, I know I said as many as you want, but slow it down a bit, kid,” Soda teased. “Well, I’ve known him for years, since we were in grade school. We’ve only been together a couple weeks, yes you do know him, and that last question is one I’ll only answer if you figure out who he is.”
“Why d’ya gotta be so difficult,” Ponyboy groaned.
“It’s more fun that way,” Soda said, a twinkle in his eye. “Go ahead, I know you’re smart enough to figure it out.”
And so Ponyboy wracked his brain to think of who Soda could possibly be secretly dating. In all honesty, there weren’t many guys that fit the criteria. In fact, there was only one person that he could really think of. And, now that he knew that it was probably true, a lot of things made sense now.
“It’s Steve, isn’t it?” Pony said.
“Mhm.”
Yeah, a lot of things made sense now.
Like how Steve would always get so annoyed with Pony tagging along when Soda and Steve went somewhere, or how Soda had always had his happy, genuine smile when he talked about Steve, or how they had recently been spending a lot of time together at Steve’s house, or how he had always caught Soda staring whenever Steve would flex his arms in a tight shirt, or--
Wow, there really were a lot of things that pointed towards them being interested in each other.
“I take it you ain’t that surprised, huh?” Soda asked him.
“Honestly?” Pony started. “Not really. Maybe I’ve… always known subconsciously, y’know? But I’ve never wanted to assume anythin’ ‘cause it just felt… wrong to assume somethin’ like that.”
“Hmm, I get it. We’re both some kinda people-readers,” Soda said, “those kinda people that are real good at knowin’ others’ feelings and stuff. It makes sense you’d pick up on that kinda thing, especially since we’re so alike that way.”
They were both silent for a moment before Soda started again. “I will tell you how I realized I was in love with ole Stevie. I’m not one to go back on my word, y’know. But… was there a reason you asked me about that, Pony?”
Well, shoot. The anxiousness was back again. Pony’s entire face, including the tips of his ears, had burned red, and the flutters returned in his stomach. “I… um… I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said no, would you?”
“I did say we’re both good at knowing emotions,” Soda said softly. “So… Johnny?”
“Ah… yeah…”
“Well, you know how to pick ‘em Pony,” Soda said, “you guys are real good for each other.”
“You think so?” Pony asked, mouth slightly agape.
“Mhm. I can tell, you guys have this real special connection. Almost to the point that it feels like you can read his mind, ain’t it?”
Ponyboy thought about it for a moment. And in all honesty on his part, Soda was 100% right. Pony could remember times where he and Johnny had lounged in the lot, watching the sunset and later gazing at the stars, and the two of them could essentially have conversations without saying a single word. They used touch, facial expressions, body language--silence, funnily enough, seemed to be a large part of their communication together.
“Yeah, we do.”
“And do you feel like he deserves everythin’ he wants and more? That this boy is too good for our world?”
“Of course I do.” For all of his beauty and (albeit nonexistent to Pony) ugly, Johnny is perfect. No one could deny that. And if they did, Pony’d make sure they knew not to. He doesn’t deserve the hand he’s been dealt in life--the broken home, troubled friends, being a greaser… none of it. Johnny should be able to do anything and everything he wants. Fate owes it to him for the unlucky cards it had drawn for him.
“And do you think about him a lot? Y’know, associate him with the things you do together, remember the dumb little things he says, think of tellin’ him about the things you do or see?”
Pony grinned sheepishly at that one. “Yeah, I do.”
Every time Pony goes to see a movie, he’ll think, I wonder if Johnny would wanna see this. He always tells him about it afterward, either when it’s super good, something Johnny would wanna see, or horrendously bad. He ends up telling Johnny about pretty much every movie he sees, actually. And, something that he’d already over-thought about that day--every sunset he sees, every time he gazes at the stars out of his window, makes him think of doing the same thing with Johnny.
“Those are some real interestin’ answers there, Pony,” Soda grinned, that twinkle in his eye once again.
“What’dya mean, Soda?” Pony asked, confused.
Soda hummed and turned his head away from Pony, still grinning. “Oh, nothin’. It’s just… it reminds me of how I feel for Steve.”
“Oh, y...you mean…” Pony trailed off. He could clearly tell what Soda was implying by that--after all, it didn’t take much to put together. Ponyboy was overheating a bit with all the ‘Thinking About My Feelings For Boys And Specifically Johnny Time’ he was having. He had always thought that he loved Johnny in that big, meaningful, romantic way, but hearing it reaffirmed by his brother who knew his personality and mannerisms inside and out added a whole new layer to it.
“So, do you still need to hear my story to figure out how strong your feelin’s are?” Soda asked.
“I, uh… no.” Pony mumbled. “Thanks, Soda.”
“That’s what big brother’s are for, isn’t it?” He ruffled Pony’s hair. “And don’t worry, I’ll tell you that story at one point. Maybe after Steve and I tell the whole gang about us.”
“Wait, am I the first person that knows?” Ponyboy asked.
“About me likin’ boys, no. Well, you’re the first close person, other than Steve. But about me and Steve, yep,” Soda explained. “Steve and I agreed that I could tell you two. And… I’m assuming I’m the first person you’ve told that you’re…” he paused. “Y’know, gay?”
“Um. Yeah,” Pony said awkwardly. “If I’m bein’ honest, I’m kinda scared of what Darry’ll say. I know it don’t make any sense to think like that but… I overthink a bit when it don’t really matter instead of when it does.”
Soda laughed lightly. “I get that. But… would it be easier for you if I was there too?”
Pony raised an eyebrow. “What’re you sayin’, Soda?”
“Well… what if we told Superman together? If things go bad, we can just gang up on ‘im,” Soda explained. “I’m pretty sure it won’t but it’s always good to plan for worst-case scenario, ain’t it?”
“...I guess so,” Pony said. The thought of telling Darry made his heart lodge into his throat once again. But it felt a little more at ease knowing that Soda would be there with him. He chuckled nervously. “I’d really like if you were there to help me tell ‘im. It’d definitely put me more at ease.”
“That’s the idea,” he smiled. “He gets off work in about an hour or so. We can tell ‘im once he gets home, sound cool?”
“Yeah.”
Even though he was pretty terrified at the thought of facing their older brother, having Soda there with him would make it tremendously easier. It made Pony think about, once again, how grateful he was for his brother and the bond that they share. Now he knows for sure that nothing could break it--and that made Ponyboy smile to himself. The anxiety that he was feeling had gone away for the time being as he thought that...
No matter how little he had, he would always have Soda.
“Hey Sodapop?” Pony said.
“Yeah, Pony?” he responded, flipping through the pages of Gone with the Wind once again.
“Thank you.”