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“We’ll be fine, Will, stop worrying.”
“I’m not worried.”
“You are, and I need you to take a breath and remember that I can look after Theo for several days. I can handle her.”
“Are you sure? Because I’ve always been here to call if anything happens, and -”
“Sunshine,” Connor said, reaching out to touch his jaw. “She’s a good girl. She listens really well. And, if I need anything, Jay and Mouse are less than a call away. I just need to think that Theo needs help and they’ll show up at the door. It’ll be okay.”
“Okay, but -”
“Baby.”
“Right. Right. You’ve got this.”
“I do, I promise she will be okay.”
“She will. I trust you with her. I have for a while, and this is just a part of that.”
Connor pulled him in for a kiss, slow and soft, hand curled around his hip to keep him still and nearby.
“Daddy!” Theo said, stumbling out of her room with a drawing in her hands. “Wait! Don’t leave!”
“I’m not gonna leave without saying goodbye to you, future archaeologist,” Will said, pulling away from Connor to kneel down before Theo. “I wish I didn’t have to go, but you know how sometimes I have to be gone for a long time when it’s busy at the hospital?”
She nodded.
“Well, this is like that, but just a little bit longer. Connor will be here with you to look after you, and the weekend will fly by. You’ll have so much fun with Connor.”
“But I’ll miss you already.”
“I know you do. I miss you, too. But, remember what I said? It’ll just be a couple sleeps and then I’ll be home. And I’ll bring home something just for you.”
Connor rolled his eyes fondly, glad that he was allowed to be here, to witness this, to be a part of this family. It was a privilege to watch Theo grow, to get to watch and experience and be one with their love and connection.
“You promise?”
“I do promise.”
“And I get to hang out with Connor while you’re gone?”
“You do!”
“And he doesn’t have to work?”
“He doesn’t have to work. He will be here with you all weekend, and you can go to the park, or bake cookies, or go to the movies. He’s promised to take you wherever you want, as a Connor and Theo only weekend. How’s that sound?”
Theo looked up at him with those big brown Will eyes, and he smiled down at her.
“Does that sound good, sun drop?” he asked.
“Yeah!”
“Well, we’ll take Daddy to the airport, and then we’ll go to the aquarium and the zoo.”
“Yeah!” she bounced. “Oh! Daddy! I made you this!”
She shoved the paper she’d been carrying into Will’s hands, and he turned it over to look at the crayon drawing she’d left there. There were three people standing side by side, two taller people and one short between them. One of the taller figures had a mess of red scribbles around his head, and the other had black scribbles. He recognized the way she had always drawn herself, the pinky-blonde ponytail and the overalls.
“This is you ! And this is me ! And this is Connor ! It’s so you don’t forget us while you’re gone!”
“Oh, sweet girl, you know I won’t ever forget you. But I will keep this close to me so I don’t for good measure.”
“Thank you, Daddy!”
She launched herself into his arms, and he held her close, ducking his nose into her neck the way he always did. Connor watched them both, his sunshine and sun drop holding tight to each other, his favorite sight.
Will’s phone chirped to remind him of his flight, and he let Theo go reluctantly. Will leaving Theo behind was always hard on him, something that Connor loved about Will. He kissed her forehead and whispered to her softly. She nodded and looked up at him with their matching eyes.
“C’mon, sun drop, let’s see if we can beat Daddy to the car, yeah?” Connor challenged and watched the way Theo’s eyes lit up with absolute delight. She’d been a competitive little shit since they’d met. There was a need for speed in that little girl that Connor hadn’t expected. He could see her being a skydiver or pilot some day, something dangerous, something fast, something that would make Will’s ginger hair go silver long before he was old. He was pretty sure that Theo had been more upset when he’d gotten rid of the Porsche than he was. It was impractical for two grown men and a toddler, so he’d traded it for a highly-rated safety pick that fit Theo’s car seat without struggling.
Connor followed Theo out of the apartment, grabbing his keys and wallet from the empty table, blowing a kiss towards Will in the entryway playful before letting the door shut behind them. She pressed the call button for the elevator, standing on her tiptoes, and looked at Connor with her big eyes.
“Are we really going to the aquarium?”
“We are,” he promised. They’d gone with Will, Jay, and Mouse earlier in the year, and she had absolutely loved it. It was all she had talked about for weeks, to anyone who would listen.
“Yes,” she said softly to herself, with a little fist pump to the side, the way Mouse did when he was pleased with something, and Jay did at a good goal during a Hawks game. The elevator doors opened and she did not wait before barrelling on. She was headstrong and a bruiser for someone so small. Luckily no one was entering, as she had run over the nice lady from the floor below on the way off one day.
“Connor,” Will called from the doorway to their apartment.
“Sorry, Daddy!” Theo yelled as she dragged Connor into the car and pressed the lobby button with a lot of force. “Snooze and lose!”
Connor shrugged at him and let the doors close between them.
“We’re gonna win!” Theo said excitedly.
“Yeah, we are.”
“Do we get a prize?”
“I’ll get you one of those bubble waffles you love.”
“Yes!” she bounced, shaking the elevator the smallest amount. She paused and looked up at Connor with wide eyes. “I forgot.”
“That’s okay. Just be careful, okay?”
“Okay. Yeah. I’ll be careful.”
He ruffled her hair and she caught his hand, just holding his hand against the top of her head. His hand dwarfed her head, so he squeezed the top of her head where his fingers fell, making her laugh. There was something about Connor pretending he was a giant that delighted Theo immeasurably.
“Bubble waffles,” she whispered, holding his thumb and pinky in each of her hands on the ride down. “Are you gonna get the bwoo-berry one again?”
“Yeah, probably. What about you?”
“Chocowate!”
“Should we share them?”
She gasped as the door opened to the lobby.
“Can we?”
“Yeah, of course!”
He knew that meant she’d eat most of his, too, and only let him eat a bite of hers in return, but he’d do anything to make her happy. Which was why he allowed himself to be towed through the lobby, hearing the security guard, Gordon, snicker at him. He knew how it looked, and he didn’t care. His father could learn about Will and Theo, and he wouldn’t care because they made his life warm and worth something.
Except, Cornelius Rhodes wasn’t allowed anywhere near them. The Halsteads were warmth, comfort, and felt like home, and he didn’t want his father’s icy touch on them. He’d ruin whatever good things that brought this little family together. He’d make Will feel bad for being in debt, unmarried with a child, and he’d certainly have something to say about their relationship and Will being a man. He’d probably have some shitty comment about Theo that she shouldn’t have to put up with. Will had spent a lot of time and energy making a good, loving home for Theo, only allowing people who had love and respect for her as her own person. Cornelius was definitely not that.
He got Theo settled into her car seat with her miniature car wheel so she could play at driving the car with Connor, pressing a kiss into her forehead.
“Connor?’ she asked.
“Yeah, Theo?”
“You want to watch me, right?”
“Oh, sweetheart, absolutely. I’m so excited to spend the weekend with you!”
“Promise?”
He stuck out his pinky finger to her and she looked at it for a moment before she wrapped her little finger around his in return. She smiled at him brightly, and looked at him with those big doe eyes. There wasn’t a whole lot of Halstead in her looks, except she had Will’s eyes down to the way they glimmered in the light when she wanted something.
“I super-promise. You’re my girl, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I always want you around.”
“Even when you and Daddy have special alone nights and I stay with Mouse and Jay?”
Connor took a sharp breath in because “special alone nights” were the nights Will had his brother watch Theo so they could have sex, wild, loud, beautiful sex without worryng Theo was going to walk in and see something she shouldn’t. He didn’t want her around for that, but he definitely could not tell her about that.
“Just because your daddy and I need some time just the two of us doesn’t mean we don’t miss you the entire time.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, just like when we go to work and you have to stay with here with Grandpa, or Mouse, or Jay. We miss you terribly.”
“I miss you, too.”
Will approached, wheeling his suitcase behind him, holding out Connor’s jacket.
“You forgot something, speed racer.”
“Ah, what would I do without you?”
Will kissed him on his way to the trunk, squeezing his hip. It was weird to think Will would be leaving for a whole weekend, the first time they’d be apart for that long since they’d moved in together almost a year ago now.
“Okay, move your feet, Theo.”
She tucked her feet inside the car and he shut the door. He went over to the trunk and pulled Will to the side where Theo couldn’t see them and kissed him long and hard, almost too filthy of a kiss for the public. He wanted to remember how Will felt against him, his solid chest, the grip of his hands, the way he leaned into each kiss just as desperate. He would only be gone for a few days, but they lived and worked together so any length of time apart felt unnatural. So, he was going to enjoy this kiss and think about it when he was sleeping in their bed alone.
“Alright, mister,” Will said with a laugh, moving Connor away slowly by his hips. “You’re dangerously close to public indecency if you keep kissing me like that.”
“Worth it.”
“It’s three days, Con.”
“Yeah, but we haven’t been apart for that long since we got together last year, and especially since you moved it. It’ll be lonely without you tonight.”
“Just wait ‘til I get home,” Will promised suggestively. “I’ve heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder, so imagine what we can get up to after we’ve been apart.”
Connor cocked his eyebrow at Will and let the possibilities wash through him.
“I’m going to hold you to that. I hope you’re ready to fulfill that promise.”
“Always, baby.”
He got one more kiss before Will stepped away fully and opened the trunk. Connor helped him load the suitcase into the back of the car with his carry-on. Connor let their hands brush as they pulled the trunk shut as if they were in a Jane Austen novel, sneaking touches because they weren’t supposed to be seen together. Will rolled his eyes at Connor fondy, but gave him a soft kiss against his cheek. Even when he was obnoxious, or hard-headed beyond reason, or loudly worried, he still got a kiss on the cheek, a loving pat on the shoulder. He was terrified of the day Will decided he wasn’t good enough for them, packed up Theo and took her away, but the engagement ring Will had bought for him said that might not happen this time.
He could only hope.
Once they’d dropped Will off, with hugs and kisses for both of them, Connor drove them to the aquarium, Theo begging him to go faster on empty streets. He knew that Jay did it sometimes for her, since he was trained in defensive driving for work, although Will was not allowed to know about that.
“A little fast, Connor?” she asked in her quiet voice. “Please.”
“A little fast, okay?”
He sped up as they broke free of the city, and checked the rearview at Theo in the backseat. She looked at peace in her seat, clearly pleased as the car sped down the street to the on-ramp to the highway. He loved that little face, the look of sparking joy in her eyes, the curve of her smile, the delightful warmth of her presence in his life.
Will had been a surprise, the antagonism melding into affection slowly until he was properly in love with Will Halstead. Theo had been an even bigger surprise as well but in the best way. As much as it had stung to find out Will had lied to him for years, he couldn’t stay mad, or keep them at a distance because Will was beautiful with those big brown eyes, and Theo was every kind of precious. Technically, they’d never even really stopped seeing each other, if Connor thought about it.
He’d been too far gone on Will long before Theo.
He hadn’t stood a chance once Will showed his soft underbelly.
And now, they were raising Will’s daughter together.
“Connor?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Do you think I can see the otters?”
“Of course, we’ll see the otters.”
She smiled at him.
“Otters, bubble waffles, and - can we watch Finding Nemo?”
“Yeah, we’ll get some popcorn and get into our jammies and stay up late watching Nemo and Dory. How’s that sound?”
She launched into a whole spiel about the ocean and all of the fish she knew about and how cool sharks were. It was incredible to hear all of her knowledge, but she did tell him practically every day about the sharks she knew about. He was going to get her a shark book for her birthday coming up.
“Oh! There it is!”
The aquarium looked, on the outside, like a courthouse, but inside held a world inside. He understood the magic that Theo saw when they entered, the extraordinary hidden inside the ordinary. Even to Connor, who had seen a lot of the world, there was something indescribable about entering the aquarium.
“We should get Daddy a present!” she said suddenly as Connor found a parking spot.
“I think he’d love that, sun drop.”
He held her hand as they crossed the parking lot, and across the lobby to admissions.
“Excuse me?” Theo asked, and the clerk leaned forward to see Theo below the counter edge. “Hi! I’m Theo! Can we see the otters today?”
“You can,” the clerk said, glancing at Connor who had his debit card out, waiting for Theo’s conversation to end.
“Okay, good. Connor’s going to give you money now. He’s very good. I love him.”
Connor looked at the clerk with matching big, soft eyes, and handed over the card.
“Well, that’s good. How old are you, sweetheart?”
“Oh! I’m gonna be four soon!”
“Wow, that’s so cool! Are you excited for your birthday?”
“Yeah, Connor is going to buy me a bouncy castle! He promised!”
Connor did not remember that promise, but if it made her happy, he would. Will wouldn’t be pleased, probably, but Connor had the means and Theo had the Halstead pout.
“Oh, did he?”
“Yeah, don’t tell my daddy! He’s anti-capwitawism,” Theo stated seriously.
“Okay!” Connor said. “No more hanging out with Uncle Mouse, apparently. Let’s leave this nice worker alone, and go see the otters.”
He took his card back and then steered Theo away from the admissions counter with a hand against her back, grabbing a map from the counter with his free hand.
“Uncle Mouse says that money is the devil.”
Connor didn’t really want to touch that, so he pointed towards one of the exhibits.
“Let’s go see the otters, yeah?”
“YES!” she shouted and ran towards the exhibit without waiting for him. He let out a breath, and then jogged behind her, because Will hadn’t even taken off yet, he couldn’t lose their daughter that quickly.
Theo demolished their bubble waffles and the boba tea she’d asked for, and then an order of fries that she had begged for. He was always amazed watching her put away food. She was so small, and yet she packed away food like it was no one’s business.
“How you feeling, champ?” he asked her, watching her waddle to the car with the shark plush she gave him the big eyes to buy until he’d given in. He’d already put away her present for Will, but she had refused to let go of the very large shark plush that was almost as big as she was.
“Gross.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.”
“Can we go take a nap?”
“Yeah, baby, come here,” he said, and he lifted her up into his arms. She snuggled into him and sighed.
“Thank you.”
“Oh, you’re welcome, sun drop.”
“I don’t feel good.”
“I know. I know, sweet girl. We’ll get you home and you can have some medicine and a nap.”
“Okay. Will you nap with me?”
“I will,” he promised, looking both ways before he darted across the street with her in his arms still. He pressed a kiss into her forehead, and let her rest all of her weight on him safely. He wanted to be a safe place for her, a place where she could rest and recharge, held and taken care of. That was what he needed as a child, quiet understanding, a loving embrace whenever he needed, and that’s what he was going to provide to her.
“Thank you.”
He tucked her into the carseat in the back of the SUV when they got back to the car, and kissed her forehead, helping her buckle herself in.
“Let’s go home, sun drop.”
Theo wasn’t a quiet patient, Connor discovered. She had overeaten, and her tummy hurt, so she was going to make it his problem. Mostly, she was clingy, wanting to go everywhere he went. He held her against him as he got them both changed into pajamas and then set up the couch, working one handed, and laid her down across the large cushions.
“Okay, I’m going to get you some medicine for your tummy, and then I’ll be right back, okay?”
“Come with?”
“No, baby, you should rest and stay here. I won’t be gone long.”
She whined, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead gently, testing her temperature subtly. Luckily, she didn’t have a fever, beyond that she just felt under the weather. He pulled her favorite blanket around her and left the shark plushie nearby for her to cuddle while he was gone. The bathroom wasn’t far, and he left the door open so he could hear her if she needed anything while he was measuring her medicine.
Day one alone and he’d already let Will’s daughter eat so much that she was sick from it, so he wondered how he could ever really be a parent.
Will really shouldn’t leave Theo with him, and they weren’t allowed to adopt any children after because he could not be trusted. Theo should be with Mouse and Jay, who were experienced in childcare, especially in Theo’s care, and he could just be the fun uncle who bought her stuff sometimes. He couldn’t be her sole caregiver; no, his father was right that he couldn’t be trusted, that he was flighty, and irresponsible. No, and Will would see that. Will would know.
Will would know and he’d leave, and he’d never see either of them again.
Connor stood in the bathroom, the soft pink medicine in the cup on the counter, hands clamped over the edges of the sink. He couldn’t leave the bathroom, a sudden grip on his heart stilling his limbs. He wasn’t good enough for them. He wasn’t, and he never would be. All he had managed to do in his life was fuck up and be a disappointment; what made him think he could possibly be worthy of the sunshine in his living room? He was a con artist at best, tricking them into loving him when he didn’t deserve it.
He should call Jay. He should call Jay and fess up to not being ready. Jay would be over in a heartbeat, if he hadn’t already been bullied into checking on them by Mouse. He should call Jay, and tell him that Theo, sweet, perfect Theo, shouldn’t stay here without Will because he was going to ruin her.
“Daddy?” Theo mumbled, stumbling towards the bathroom.
“Oh, Daddy’s not here,” Connor said, forcing himself into action.
She collided with him as he knelt down, and he wrapped her up in his arms.
“Daddy,” she mumbled again, and he sighed. He wished Will was there, too.
“Here, sweetheart, drink this real quick, okay? It’ll help you feel better.”
Once she was done, he lifted her back up and carried her back to the couch. He cuddled her against his chest and turned on Finding Nemo for her, and let her doze in his arms while the movie played in the background.
Will: Everything alright?
Connor: Yeah we’re okay here, taking a nap
Will: Is she behaving?
Connor: She’s been an angel
Will: I miss you both already so much
Will: I can’t wait to come home
Connor: I miss you too, come home soon and safe
Somewhere towards the end of the movie, he moved Theo off his chest so he could go to the bathroom before she woke up. He took a picture of her curled up with her shark and sent it to his group chat with Mouse, Jay, and Will, before heading back to the bathroom. The group chat replied with happy noises while he used the toilet and washed his hands, including Will sending a series of heart eyes emojis.
His phone rang, Will’s contact popping up on top of his screen.
“Hey,” Connor answered, “you made it safe, then?”
“Just got to the hotel. How are you?”
“I love you,” Connor sighed.
“Oh. Are you okay? You sound tired already.”
“No. Well. Theo ate herself sick.”
Will let out a bark of laughter and said softly, “oh, that’s your girl, isn’t it? She definitely gets that from you, Con.”
Connor laughed, and rested his head back against the wall of the bathroom.
“Lord knows you’ve never let me feed you that much.”
He could practically hear Will’s eyeroll.
“She’ll be alright, just let her sleep and rub her belly and make her feel comfortable. You’re doing great, Connor.”
“Am I?”
“Yeah. She’s alive, isn’t she?”
“Yes.”
“Unharmed?”
“Yes.”
“Then, I don’t see how you’re doing anything less than absolutely great.”
“I let her eat -”
“Baby boy,” he sighed, and Connor stopped. “There we go, hi. Listen to me. You’re new to this. I get that. You’re absolutely terrified of making a mistake, and I have lived with that feeling since the day that Julie told me she was pregnant. That’s absolutely normal to feel, and if you didn’t, I’d actually be a little concerned about you. I’ve done this same thing, and she’ll be okay. I promise you. Take a deep breath.”
“Yeah, okay,” Connor said, taking a breath slowly as instructed.
“There we go,” Will said, and Connor definitely heard the way Will talked to his patients in his words. “As long as you’re not hurting her, and she’s in one piece, I don’t have any complaints. I’ll be home soon enough.”
“Yeah,” Connor said. “I wish you were here, though.”
“I do, too. Feels weird being away from you.”
“Next time, we’re going with you. I don’t like this.”
“Okay, deal.”
“I should go, get back to her before she wakes up.”
“Hey, I love you,” Will said, and his voice was gentle, full of all of his affection and care. Connor let out a quiet sigh, full of his own.
“I love you, too.”
“Alright, go be a great dad.”
Connor hung up and started towards the living room where Finding Nemo was wrapping up.
“Daddy?” Theo mumbled, lifting her head for the plush shark she’d been cuddling to peek at him with sleepy brown eyes.
“Oh, uh -”
She reached out to him and smiled, repeating it.
“Daddy, c’mere. Cuddle.”
“Okay, baby,” he said softly. “Daddy will cuddle with you.”
He climbed onto the couch and lifted her into his arms again, holding her against his chest.
“I feel better,” she muttered.
“That’s good. Do you want some dinner?”
“Yeah. S’getti.”
“Okay, sun drop, I’ll get you some spaghetti. Do you want cheese bread, too?”
“Yes, please.”
He kissed her on the forehead and took out his phone. Before he ordered dinner, he took a picture of her and him, cuddled together. Cornelius Rhodes could go fuck himself. Connor deserved some sunshine in his life after the childhood he had had, and the darkness and gloom that had shrouded him his entire life. He was going to be the best dad he could to this little girl for as long as he could. He was going to shower her with love and warmth, and he was going to remind her every single day that she was wanted. He was choosing her.
He attached the photo to a text message to Will.
Connor: She called me daddy
Will: She’s not the only one, jesus Connor
Connor: Will
Will: She knows what I’ve known all along
Will: Are you starting to get it?
Connor: Yeah. I think so. This is where I belong. Our family.