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Oftentimes, businesses will have a small bell on the front door.
This is usually used to alert employees of a customer entering. Most stores and restaurants have this nowadays. It has reached the point where it is strange to not hear a small chime when entering a shop.
And so, Ranboo was expecting to hear a bell when he walked into the Sleepy Cafe for the first time.
What he heard instead was Rick Astley’s hit single, top of the charts for weeks in Europe, and a very distinct chorus that invoked a deep and instant hatred.
“NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP-”
“...”
“TOMMY! TUBBO!”
The shout came from a man behind the counter. He sprinted through a door in the back, where manic laughter was heard before the door slammed.
The other man just looked bored.
Ranboo immediately noticed his hair. It was hard not to. It was long, very long. And bright pink .
“Er,” God, why did he have to be awkward? “Hello?”
“Uh.” Oh good, the guy was awkward too. “Hi.”
A few beats of silence. Ranboo was starting to get anxious when another man walked in, thankfully someone he recognized. Phil Watson, owner of the coffee shop, and the man who hired the teen.
“Hello mate!”
“Uh, hi again Mr. Watson.”
The pink-haired man snorted, still leaning on the counter.
Mr. Watson shot him a glare with little malice, before addressing Ranboo again. “Please, Phil is just fine.”
Mr. Watso- Phil gestured to the other man. “And this is Technoblade!”
“Techno. Just Techno.” Pink-hair said, very monotone.
Ranboo blinked. What kind of name was Technoblade ?
“And!” Phil seemed way too cheerful about what he was saying. “Techno will be training you for most of today!”
“What.”
Techno stopped leaning on the counter to stand to his full height. He looked way, way more intimidating than Ranboo had expected. He easily towered over Phil, having a good 5 inches on the older man.
Phil simply did not give a shit.
“You’ll be fine mate!” He patted the man’s terrifyingly muscled arm and left through the door the first man ran through.
Leaving Techno and Ranboo alone with each other.“Um.” Techno seemed…nervous? It was hard to tell through the monotone voice. “Ranboo, right? Should we, uh, get started?”
__________________________
A basic course on how to use the machines (Ranboo had worked in a coffee shop before, so it was more of a review of stuff he knew) later, Techno proclaimed they were ready in time for opening. A fresh coffee sat ready, most likely for a regular.
“Ya know, you’re much better at this than Tommy.” In the half hour since their meeting, Techno had gotten much more relaxed around Ranboo. Especially when Ranboo had proven he knew what he was doing.
“Who’s Tommy? Another barista?”
Before Techno could respond, the chorus of a rick roll played as someone entered.
Surprisingly, the woman didn’t seem annoyed or confused. She just gave a small, soft smile, and continued on her way to the counter.
“Techno!” Her voice was high, her hair a similar, but lighter shade than the man she was talking to.
“Hello Niki.” Techno gave her a small half smile. It seemed to be the only smile he ever gave.
The woman - Niki - placed a basket on the counter. “Brought you stuff! For the family and the new guy. Speaking of which!” She turned to look at Ranboo, flashing him a peace sign. “Niki Nihachu!”
“Uh, hi. Ranboo here.”
At that, Niki laughed a bit. “Well, hope you like muffins. Bad was in early today, stress baking.”
Ranboo vaguely remembered a bakery, right next door to the cafe. The smell had been very tempting, but he wanted to be on time for his first ever shift. Also, the door was locked and the sign declared them closed.
But now, the same amazing scent was wafting from the basket Niki had brought. And so, with a nod from Techno and a happy chirp from Niki, he snagged a pastry from the pile.
It was amazing, in case you wanted to know.
Niki stayed and chatted with Techno a bit longer. She grabbed the coffee that had been prepared and headed out to her job next door.
_________________________________________
“So...the weather, huh?”
Ranboo winced the instant the words left his mouth. Well, too late to snatch them back up and stuff them back in.
“Uh, sure.” Thankfully, Techno didn’t stare like Ranboo was insane. In fact, Techno didn’t look up at all, just continued to clean a machine, which for some reason was labeled ‘Bean Juice Spawner 2000’ with a sticky note. “No rain.”
“Yeah, yeah!” God, Ranboo wished he could shut up. “No rain! Weird, right!”
“Uh huh.” The machine Techno was cleaning then decided to make a very not right noise.
“Uh.” The pink-haired man just stared helplessly as the thing grinded on, demonstrating some very unfortunate sounds, before making one big noise and an almost cracking sound. Then it was silent.
The man turned sheepish eyes to Ranboo. “Don’t tell Phil.”
Ranboo couldn’t help but laugh. Not in humor, more in nervousness. “So...that's not normal then?”
“No.” Techno was now fanning a bit of smoke with a towel. It was not very effective. “Coffee machines do not make those noises. Or produce smoke.”
“Oh. I mean...yeah. I knew that.”
“I would hope so.” The man was now examining the machine, poking around to try and find what was amiss. It was a bit odd to see this very buff man, bent over a coffee machine looking extremely bewildered. Of course, said man’s voice was still as dead as Vine.
After a minute of Techno making small noises, he gasped a bit. It was the most emotion Ranboo had heard him audibly express.
Only for a second later to slam the counter with his fist, letting out a small huff. “Damn it!”
“Er,” Ranboo had a few machines break on him at his previous job. Of course, he had never been the one to fix it. But he had seen it being fixed, so maybe he could help? “I can try? If, uh, you don’t mind?’
Techno huffed again, backing up. “Sure, kid. Worth a shot.”
“Okay! Uh,” To be honest, Ranboo didn’t really expect to get this far. Bending over the machine, he looked over it, trying to decide his first move. “I - uh - never really did this before.”
“Eh. Still, might as well.”
With Techno’s encouragement(?), Ranboo began to fiddle with it.
“No way this works.” Okay, maybe Techno’s encouragement wasn’t that good.
“No way.” To be fair, there was a very slim chance of this working out.
“No way.”
“No wa-”
Apparently, the Bean Juice Spawner 2000 decided that it was gonna prove the two idiots wrong. By turning on, light blinking and grinder whirring slightly before settling.
Ranboo and Techno both stared.
“NOOOO WAAAY!” “OOOOOOOH!!!”
Both were flipping out, maybe a bit more than necessary. Ranboo didn’t care. He did it! HE actually did something useful!
“OOOOOHHH!” Techno’s voice? Showing emotion? “HE DID IT. Wait. Are you a he?”
“Yup.”
“Alright. HE DID IT.” The long-haired man turned to Ranboo and gave him a full smile, not a small half one. No teeth, but genuine all the same. “Ya know what? You’re okay, kid.”
Ranboo knew he was beaming, probably very stupidly. He found he didn’t care, especially when Techno reached up and ruffled his hair a bit.
“Alright.” The other man picked back up his cleaning stuff. “We gotta finish this up.”
They were ready in the next five minutes, running on the adrenaline of a good thing.
After one last quick check, Techno hopped (literally) over the counter and to the door. Flipping over the ‘OPEN’ sign, he said, very solemnly, “Get ready.”
Ready for what? Ranboo worked in customer service before, as a barista at Starbucks. Some people there were insane . Ranboo was certain he had seen just about everything. Nothing would surprise him anymore.
Oh, how wrong he was.
_________________________________________
It started not with a customer, but with a fellow barista.
Seconds after Techno turned over the open sign, the door behind the counter burst open.
"-put me down, dickhead!” Yelled an unfamiliar voice. Right in Ranboo’s ear.
“Oh shut it, gremlin child.” Another new voice. Also right in his ear.
Ranboo wasn’t sure he wanted to turn and find out what was going on. He did anyway.
A tall man, almost as tall as Ranboo himself, with curly brown hair was standing there. Slung over his shoulder was someone else, who appeared to be only a pair of jeans.
“Ooh, muffins!” The tall man reached over and plucked one from the basket. “Niki was here?”
“Yeah. She says hello. What’s with the deadweight?”
Wilbur grinned, ignoring a shout of indignance from the boy slung over his shoulder. “Found a raccoon in the back.”
“Oi!” The boy - Ranboo could now see a bit of blond hair and annoyed expression - exclaimed. “You gonna put me down or not.”
Sighing, the taller man hoisted the boy off of his shoulder.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, bitch!” Triumphant, the kid dusted off his jeans. He seemed about Ranboo’s age, a few inches shorter than him, with blue eyes and hair just as curly as the tall man’s.
“As entertaining as this is,” Dang, could Techno say anything not in a monotone? “You both are making terrible first impressions.”
The two other men both wore very confused expressions.
“Bruuuuuh. There is literally a dude right there. How the fuck did you miss him?” Oh, so Techno could show emotion via his voice.
The duo both turned to where Ranboo was standing.
They both stared.
Ranboo stared right back.
Both parties were very confused.
Techno was already done.
Finally, the brunette man said something. “Oh shit.”
“You are not making this any better.”
The tall guy took a very exaggerated and purposeful bite of muffin in Techno’s direction.
The blond was still staring, confused as hell.
“Er, I’m Ranboo?”
The moment he said his name, whatever spell on the other boy was broken. Which is to say, he burst out laughing.
“Ran...boob?!” He choked out. The guy was practically on the floor.
“Shut it, Theseus.” The dark-haired man glared at the younger.
“Oi, it’s Tommy, bitch! You know this!”
“Do I?” For some reason, this was spoken in some weird, wispy tone of voice.
This seemed to enrage the younger...Tommy?
“Fuck you Wilbur Soot!”
They both were interrupted by the door opening, blasting a rickroll.
“Um, what?” A concerned looking ginger man, wearing a jacket despite it being way too warm.
‘Tommy’s fault.” Wilbur apparently did not mind selling Tommy out.
“Hey, I told you that was Tubbo!”
Techno sighed. “Hey, Fundy.”
While Tommy and Wilbur bickered, Ranboo made the guy’s drink. This ‘Fundy’ guy, he liked his coffee with way, way too much sugar.
_________________________________________
Once the two retreated into the back rooms, it was uneventful for the next couple minutes.
Until a small man popped out of the air vent. Or, well, his head, at least.
He gestured for Ranboo to kneel down underneath the counter, where the vent was.
“Wilbur’s gone right, big man?”
Ranboo nodded. Techno did not teach him what to do if a small man was hiding in the vents.
Said guy then pulled himself the rest of the way out, nearly toppling into Ranboo.
“Hey sexy.” The kid winked. He looked about Ranboo and Tommy’s age.
Ranboo just babbled something incoherent, causing the vent boy to giggle. He made no move to stand, so Ranboo sat on the floor with him. Just so they were somewhere near the same height. The man was, indeed, short.
“Tubbo.”
“What?
“My name.” Vent boy’s - Tubbo’s - smile widened. “You have one of those too. Right? Be a bit weird if you didn’t.”
“Oh! Uh, it’s Ranboo.”
Tubbo leaned on the counter. “So, Mr. Boo, if you do identify as male, how has your day been?”
“It’s been less than an hour since I got here. A small man popped out of the vents and called me sexy. I think he might be homeless.”
“Oh, shit. Maybe you should give him some spare change.”
They both looked at each other and burst out laughing. Ranboo had no idea why it was so funny, but hey. He had been here not even an hour, and already he thought he might be going insane. In about the best way possible.
Techno ignored them both. He seemed to be used to Tubbo and the odd things he did.
“Did you set up the thing with the door?” Ranboo had to ask.
“Nah. But I know the guy who did. Very handsome lad.” Tubbo tried for a casual look, and failed miserably.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Well then.” Ranboo smiled at Tubbo. “Tell him that Ranboo is a fan of his work.”
_________________________________________
Too soon, Ranboo has to get back to work.
Tubbo stays underneath the counter, by the vent. Occasionally, he taps Ranboo’s leg to show him some message or weird thing on his phone.
This continues until three men burst into the shop. All of them are laughing way too loud. Ranboo is a bit concerned about one guy, who sounds like he might pass out from wheezing too hard.
They all notice Ranboo simultaneously, zeroing in on the unfamiliar teen.
The guy in an obnoxiously green hoodie took the lead. “Yooo, new guy!” He seemed almost...expectant? Like he was waiting for something?
“Um, hi? What can I get y-”
“Holy shit, this guy has no clue who we are!” A dark-haired man, headband holding back longish hair. He seemed familiar.
Actually, the whole trio did.
“Oh my god!” A brunette wearing...were those clout goggles? Weird fashion choice, but alright.
All three of them were dying again, the green hoodie guy still sounding like he was in danger of passing out.
Then, green hoodie pulled out a white smile mask and smacked it on the counter, still making tea kettle sounds.
Ranboo started, because holy crap, that’s who these three were. The goddamn Dream Team .
They had appeared out of nowhere a while back. A crazy popular youtube channel that upload mostly stupid challenge videos. And also, insane parkour manhunts with some ridiculous end goal. The leader, a man named Dream, was famous for his smile mask. Which was sitting right on the counter of Ranboo’s new workplace.
“Dream, you broke him!” The brunette - George, his brain supplied - had managed to calm a little. The other two - Dream and Sapnap - had not.
Ranboo’s brain was indeed broken. It must have been.
“Quit fucking with the new kid.” Techno. Wait, did he know the Dream Team? No way he did. Right?
“Ah, the famous Blood God! Our battle will be legendary!” Dream’s voice (because holy crap, this was the Dream) was still very amused.
“That already happened.” Techno was still so dead pan, how ? “I beat you, remember? Or was your defeat so humiliating, you erased that memory?”
Ok, so Techno did know the Dream Team. And apparently fought their leader and won .
Ranboo retracted his earlier statement. His brain was now broken and fried. Maybe smashed with a sledgehammer for good measure.
Dream frowned. “That is not important!”
“I won 100,000 dollars, how is that not important?”
“Mr. Beast practically throws his money at people. That’s his idea of fun! And we split the money anyways!”
This continued for a few more minutes. Dream, with rapid fire and increasing desperate arguments. Techno, with a casual deadpan, somehow making coffee as he shot back at the other man. The man clutching could defend himself only a little from Techno’s verbal hits.
Sapnap found it hilarious, occasionally shouting remarks as his best friend got ripped apart verbally.
George just stood there looking bored.
Ranboo wanted to talk to Phil, because the man did not warn him about internet celebrities who Techno apparently beat in a duel.
Techno, done with the drinks (how did he make five drinks so fast?), seemed done with the conversation. “One for each of you,” He then turned to Sapnap. “And two for your boyfriends.”
At his last words, the man in the headband turned bright red.
“Now pay and get out. You’re scaring the new kid.”
Shockingly they did. Not before Dream sent a wink to Ranboo. “See ya later newbie.”
What just happened? The Dream Team lived in his city? Since when? And Techno knew them? And also won a lot of money by beating Dream in a duel?
His thoughts were interrupted by Tubbo at his feet. The jerk was laughing at him.
Tubbo wiped tears from his eyes. “Oh, you should have seen your face , boss man!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Ranboo grumbled. It felt…oddly comfortable to talk like this with Tubbo. And Techno too, once both had gotten over the initial discomfort when two socially awkward people interact for the first time.
Ranboo thinks he could get used to it.
Even if more internet idols turned out to be regulars.
________________________________________
They ran out of sugar about twenty minutes after opening. Techno insisted Ranboo go and find some in the back rooms.
“You need to see the back rooms anyways. Tubbo can help.”
So that’s how Ranboo and Tubbo ended up standing in a doorway watching his new boss flounder around trying to explain what the teens walked in on.
“Uh, what the fuck?” At least Tubbo could talk. Ranboo was so confused and embarrassed. He couldn’t imagine how Phil felt.
At least the woman in the room with Phil thought it was amusing.
“Please mate, what did you need? Creamer, sugar?” Phil was a bit frantic. The woman found this even funnier.
“It’s fine, Dadza. Me and Ranboo can leave, if you want to keep making out with Kristin.” Tubbo had a hint of a smirk now.
Phil sputtered “-you little shit-” while Kristin (?) watched it unfold and laughed .
The woman then said, ”Phil, you didn’t tell me you adopted another one!” She smiled kindly. “Ranboo, was it?”
Ranboo was also sputtering now. More out of confusion though. “ Adopted?! ”
“Anyone who lasts more than a day gets adopted.” Tubbo was wearing a full on feral smile. “It’s already too late for you now, big man.”
“They already got your room picked out.” Kristin was laughing hard now. “Hope you like living next door to Tubbo.”
“Ranboo Watson. It does have a nice ring to it. What color do you want your bedroom to be, mate?” God, even Phil was joining in the bit.
“Is this a cult?”
Now everyone was laughing, including Ranboo himself.
Just then, the blond-headed teen, Tommy, popped his head in. “What’s up, bitches?”
“Ranboo’s getting adopted.” Tubbo could be blunt sometimes.
Tommy blinked. “What the fuck.”
Ranboo felt the need to say something.
“We caught Phil and Kristin kissing.”
Tommy whirled on his heels to face the couple. “What the fuck !”
Tubbo and Kristin cackled, while Phil put his face in his hands.
Ranboo eventually came back with the sugar. This time, with Tommy following along. Seemed like he somehow made two friends not even a little bit into his shift.
__________________________________________
In between making and serving drinks, Ranboo and Tommy became fast friends. It was easy, natural, like with Tubbo and Techno. The latter of whom left when Tommy and Tubbo both exited the back.
They both liked video games, and some TV shows.
“ The Office is better than Brooklyn 99 .”
Tommy and Ranboo gave the vent angry and disappointed glares respectively. Tubbo gave them an innocent grin through the grate.
“Really, The Office , Tubbo? I’m disappointed in you.”
A person was leaning on the counter. Curly brown hair, sunglasses (indoors?), and a strawberry-patterned dress. They gave Ranboo a light smile.
“You, on the other hand, have good taste.”
“Uh, thank you?”
“Eret.” Tommy said. “You are now my favorite sibling.”
“Hey!” Tubbo hoisted himself out of the vent and plopped on the counter.
“Admit it, Brooklyn 99 is superior!”
“Never.”
Eret turned to the other boy behind the counter. “So, guy who’s got very good taste in sitcoms, what’s your name?”
In the next couple minutes, Ranboo learned that Eret used all pronouns, co-ran the fabric and clothing store further down the street, and had a severe caffeine addiction. Judging from the six shots of espresso in the drink she ordered. Oh, and they had amazing platform boots. He was almost Ranboo’s height while wearing them. And they had a crush on both Rosa and Jake, and so did his friend and business partner Puffy.
In return, Eret learned that Ranboo graduated early, knew nothing about fashion, and never been on a date in his life. And that Ranboo dressed like a divorced dad. To which Eret sighed, and said something about how you, Fundy, and Quackity. You’re all hopeless.
Tommy and Tubbo were still arguing, but now about whether or not South Park was a good show. Which it was, but that wasn’t important.
What was important was Eret was grabbing his coffee, and leaving with a wink and a swish of glittery pink fabric.
Leaving Ranboo to wonder if he just met a caffeine addict fashion goddess.
Later on, he would find a pair of glasses tucked in his pocket like magic. Round frames, one lense green and the other red. There was a note attached.
Consider this a welcome present. Please get better taste in fashion.
Xoxo, Eret and Puffy.
_________________________________________
During Ranboo’s break, which was around ten o’clock, he was finally able to explore the back rooms a bit. Especially now that he wasn’t gonna find his boss kissing his girlfriend(?) while looking for sugar. At least, he hoped he wouldn’t.
However, when he entered a room on the left, he found Wilbur, muttering and clutching an old acoustic guitar. The thing was scuffed and scratched, clearly used a lot. The strings were messy at the top, like Wilbur hadn’t bothered to cut them after replacing the strings. In front of the man were a few sheets of paper, a messy scrawl of handwriting covering them. At several points, words were scribbled out, and arrows and notes in red ink littered the paragraphs. Wait, were those lyrics?
Wilbur looked up after a moment. “Oh, hey. Ranboo, correct?” He gave a little half-smile. “Sorry if Tommy offended you earlier. And, well, that I kind of left before really talking to you.”
“No, no!” Ranboo rushed out. “Er, it’s fine. Both things, that is.”
Wow, he could be really bad at talking to new people.
“Uh, what are you...playing? Writing?”
Wilbur smiled again, this time full, real. “It’s an original. Started it a bit ago.” He plucked a string, humming absently. “ ‘S about the whole ‘nice guy’ thing.”
“Like, in a good way, or…?”
“Nope. Bad. It’s about a boy obsessing over a girl he met online. She gets a boyfriend, he acts insane about it. Like he’s entitled to her or something.”
“Oh. That’s...actually a common thing?”
“Yup.” Wilbur was still plucking at the strings. Maybe tuning? “Shouldn’t be. That’s why I’m writing this.”
“Huh.” Ranboo’s respect for Wilbur was now quite a lot. Most people weren’t willing to talk about this type of thing, especially men.
“Wanna hear it?” Wilbur’s grin had grown just a bit more.
“Wait, really?”
The other man leaned against a box behind him. “Wouldn’t’ve offered if I didn’t mean it.”
“...Ok, if you want to.”
The brunette’s smile turned softer, like butter in the sun. “Alright. Keep in mind, it’s not really done yet.”
Ranboo sat there, entranced, as Wilbur played his song. It was amazing, the almost manic tone he used sometimes; the lyrics that made it seem like the character was rationalizing his obsessive behavior to the point of denial. And of course, it was catchy. Ranboo couldn’t resist letting out a little whooo when Wilbur sang the main chorus.
“I just might add that in.” The musician scribbled in a note on an already cramped lyrics sheet. “It’s fun.”
And just like that, talking with Wilbur was just as natural as with the others.
Maybe it was this cafe, with its unique atmosphere. Maybe it was the people who ran it. Either way, Ranboo was more comfortable here than anywhere else, even his and his parents’ apartment. He was beginning to dread the end of his shift, even if it was so far away.
To distract himself, Ranboo started glancing around the room he found himself in. He had been so focused on the other person, he hadn’t really looked around. He was expecting the usual stuff, maybe some empty crates and boxes. This was decidedly not.
“Uh, Wilbur? What is all this stuff?”
“Oh.” Wilbur was looking over the lyrics, occasionally making notes. “Just storage.”
“...This is a cafe.”
“And?”
“So what is this…” At that, Ranboo pulled a blunt sword(?) with a wire-thin blade out from where it was buried. “Doing here?”
“Yo!” Wilbur sprang up, scattering paper, to grab the thing from Ranboo’s hands. “This is one of Techno’s old fencing foils!”
Ranboo frowned. “Fencing?”
“Yup!” Wilbur backed up, then struck a dramatic pose with the fencing foil pointing at nothing. “I thought this was lost!” He continued, swishing around the thin blade.
“You're holding it wrong.” A monotone voice from the door caused the people in the room to jump. “You know this, Wil.”
Wilbur’s delight turned into something more feral. He adjusted his grip on the handle, then assumed what Ranboo thought to be a fighting stance. “Care for a demonstration then?”
Techno broke his deadpan to grin at the other man. “You know I’ll kick your ass.”
Wilbur simply raised an eyebrow in response.
Techno moved to a pile of stuff, shuffling it around to pull out another foil, the handle looking ridiculously small in his hand. Across from Wilbur, he assumes a similar, but slightly different stance.
“Your feet are too close together, nerd.”
Wilbur glanced down, adjusted his feet, then looked back up at his opponent. That feral look was still in his eyes and smile.
With a cry of “En garde!” he lunged forward, in a move Techno blocked easily.
The fight was amazing to watch.
Wilbur was fast, darting in for a strike, then dodging back. For as tall and lanky as he looked, he was light on his feet. The feral quality in his face never left, and leaked into his movements. At first, he was the only one striking. Over time, it became obvious why.
Techno was toying with Wilbur. Every strike by the taller man was easily blocked with ease. It looked almost casual, the way he parried increasingly desperate attacks. Eventually though, he seemed to get bored.
In an instant, Techno struck. It was alarming, how fast the man darted forward, hitting Wilbur several times in quick succession. Wrist, thigh, side, collarbone, in single smooth curve. Tap, tap, tap, tap.
Wilbur hit the floor with a defeated thwump . The tall man laid there, staring at the ceiling. The foil rolled out of his fingers to rest on the floor.
Techno strolled over, and nudged him with his foot. “Get up, ya big theatre nerd. You're fine.”
The guy glared up at him in response. “Asshole.”
Techno then offered him a hand, which was accepted. Wilbur was hoisted to his feet, and brushed off his clothes. There was no dirt or dust on the fabric, before or after. “Was that really necessary?”
Techno looked him dead in the eyes. “If you wish to defeat me,” A slight quirk to his lips. “Train for another 100 years.”
Wilbur laughed, then shoved his shoulder.. “Now who’s the nerd.”
They were both laughing now. This was a comfortable thing for the two, like watching the same movie again even though you know it so well. They were both perfectly at ease, with their interactions and each other. No awkwardness, no heavy pauses. Ranboo was in awe, not just of their skill, but also their comfortability with each other.
Both seemed to remember Ranboo, and turned to him. Wilbur was panting kinda heavily, but Techno was still as calm, the human embodiment of monotone.
“Oh,” Was all he could say.
This caused the two to just laugh more. While Ranboo would normally feel bad about two grown men laughing at him, it didn’t feel like it was at him. That weird lack of any discomfort with this place or people was still very much present, making this seem all okay.
A realization hit Ranboo. “Wait, is fencing what you dueled Dream in? And beat him in?” God, he was still a bit hung up on that.
“You know about the duel?” Wilbur said.
“Uh, vaguely.”
Wilbur’s feral smile came back.
The rest of his break was spent getting a play-by-play of the duel. Techno occasionally cut in with a comment or correction. Everytime he tried to downplay anything, Wilbur shut him down.
“Shut up Techo, you were fantastic. Give yourself some credit. Anyways, so…”
Eventually, Ranboo had to get back to work. Techno, who apparently decided the teen needed no more training, declared he was done. He then proceeded to disappear… somewhere. Ranboo had no idea where he went, but he didn’t see him for the rest of his shift.
_________________________________________
Tubbo and Tommy were behind the counter. The cafe was almost empty, save for a pink-scarfed guy in the corner, and a frazzled-looking man slouched on the counter. The man had his arms on the counter, with his face buried in the sleeves of a yellow shirt.
“...the chandeliers , Tubbo. I might be going insane!” All of the man’s words were muffled by fabric. Even so, his voice was a bit loud.
Tubbo patted his head sympathetically. “It’ll be ok, big man.”
“No, it won’t .” The man bemoaned, dragging his head up. “This people, they’re so goddamn stupid . They know nothing about…” He trailed off, noticing Ranboo in the doorway.
“Tall guy! Do you know anything about architecture? Interior design?”
“...No?”
The man sighed and began repeatedly hitting his head on the counter.
Tommy pushed a cup to him. “Drink’s ready.”
The guy stopped hitting his head, instead just resting his forehead on the granite top. Somehow, he grabbed his drink and began to drink it without moving his head.
“You good?” Ranboo frowned, a little concerned for the guy.
“Foolish?” Tommy tapped his head. “You alive?”
“No.”
“Fair enough.” Tubbo chimed in. “You do gotta pay for the coffee, big man. Even if you’re dead”
The man lifted his head, standing up relatively straight. As he paid for his coffee, he looked Ranboo dead in the eyes and said, “You do not want to know how much caffeine is in this.”
“Oh…” Ranboo was now even more concerned for this man.
Tubbo leaned over and whispered, “Don’t worry, big man. Foolish is like this most of the time.”
This made said big man even more worried for...Foolish? Was that actually his name?
A glance at the guy’s cup confirmed that his name was, indeed, Foolish.
Said man then glanced at his watch, yelped son of a bitch! and ran out the door. Somehow, without spilling a drop of coffee. Leaving the door swinging wildly in his wake.
Then it was just the man in the pink scarf, who seemed content to sip his drink and type away at a laptop.
_________________________________________
People came in and out. Some, one or both of the others seemed to know, but some were strangers to all three. However, the ones the boys did know were all...interesting.
Take, for example, the mystery that is Charlie Slimecicle.
Charlie was a force of nature.
Ranboo was completely oblivious.
His first mistake was not turning and running the second he saw Charlie.
The second was taking the hand he stuck out.
“Charlie Slimecicle.” The man said.
When Ranboo tried to pull his hand away, he found it was...difficult. The other guy’s hand was oddly sticky. Ranboo had the strange feeling that if he pushed, Charlie’s hand would give way like his slimy namesake. It was...concerning. Actually, forget that. It was actually mildly upsetting.
The man’s(?) features seemed off. Like some of his face was lopsided, or some parts were melting a bit, or couldn’t hold their shape. Everything he was wearing was slightly askew, from his glasses to his shoes on mismatched feet. His shirt was white, with a design that looked hand drawn in marker.
“I would like to clarify,” Charlie said. “That I have bones.”
What.
Now leaning an elbow on the counter, he continued, “I am a human person. I have...meat. Also bones. Lots of them.”
Okay, this guy was definitely not human. Or on a lot of drugs. Ranboo was leaning towards the drugs.
“Anyway, I gooped my way on up here because I heard we have a new boy!” Wha - gooped?
Based on Tommy and Tubbo’s badly contained laughter, Ranboo looked as confused as he felt.
Charlie bulldozed on, undeterred. “Can I get 4 ounces of warm water dyed green mixed with almond milk, topped with whipped cream and cocoa powder? Unmixed cocoa powder.”
“I’m sorry,” Ranboo was now thoroughly convinced this man was on drugs. “What?”
“4 ounces of warm water. Not hot, not cold. Warm. Mix it with almond milk that is also warm. Dye it green. Fill the rest of the cup with whipped cream and sprinkle coco mix on top. Oh, and in a 20 ounce cup.”
“Uh. Okay?”
“Great!” Charlie stood up again and bounced slightly. “You’re a good dude, Ranboo!”
How the heck did this guy know his name? Ranboo didn't have a name tag??? Whaaaaaaat?????
You know what, Ranboo decided then and there that he would not ask any questions. Because he was fairly certain any answer would just confuse him more, and he was afraid his brain might implode. So he made Charlie’s ‘drink’.
“Anything else?”
“Nope!” Charlie snatched the drink, slapped some amount of money on the counter, and left.
Just before he stepped outside he said, “Oh, and Tubbo? Loving the new bell!” And with that, the enigma Charlie Slimecicle was gone. Leaving behind only some dollar bills and...was that actual green slime?
Sure enough, there was a glob of jello-like green slime sitting next to the money. Tubbo snagged a small Ziploc bag and used a spoon to scoop it up.
As he placed it in the bag, he explained, “We’re not actually sure if it’s a part of him or not, so we save these in the fridge. They usually disappear in a few days, max.”
Tommy chimes in. “No one throws them away either. We’ve checked. They just kinda disappear after a bit.”
“That,” Ranboo proclaimed, “Explains literally nothing .”
“It’s Charlie.” Tommy said, like that helped at all .
It did not.
However, Ranboo decided that the knowledge was not worth it.
_________________________________________
“Ok,” Phil said. “Ranboo, you need to go home. Or get out of here. Whatever.” Seeing Ranboo’s shocked expression, he continued. “You’ve been working long enough! Go home! Take a break! Get some food, mate!”
“Oh.” So Phil wasn’t trying to fire him. “Alright.”
“Hey, boss man.” Tubbo said. “Me and Tommy haven’t eaten either.”
“Uh. Yeah?”
“Wanna go grab food with us?”
Tommy shot up, opening his mouth to say something, only for Phil to chime in, “That sounds wonderful, I’ll pay for you boys! That is, if Ranboo wants to join you. And you grab me fries.”
“Yeah, yeah!” dang it, Ranboo didn’t want to sound overeager. “Uh, that would be...cool?”
Phil clapped him on the shoulder, beaming at him. “Great!”
“Wait,” Ranboo had a thought, for once in his life. “If the three of us are going, and Techno is done for the day, who’s running the place?”
“I’m the boss, Ranboo.” Phil went to stand by the cash register. “I know how to work a shift. And I’ll drag Wil out to work too.”
Tommy snorted. “Good luck with that. He’s been holed up in one of the rooms, writing his dumb song.”
“Ah, but you see,” Phil’s soft smile turned sly. “I have a secret weapon.”
Tubbo tugged Ranboo by the sleeve, out from behind the counter. “Best to get away from the door.” He whispered. “Don’t want to get hit.”
Hit? By what, the door?
Phil slowly opened the said door to the back, like he was trying not to let it squeak. Peeking his head through for a moment, then retreating back out again with a satisfied smile. Through the cracked open door, faint guitar music was audible.
Still holding the doorknob, Phil leaned towards the empty storefront. Then, proceeded to say, very loudly and clearly, “Oi, bread boy! You’re here early!”
The guitar music abruptly cut off. The slam of a door hitting a wall at high speed, then the fast patter of feet. In a second, the door to the back was flung open fully with alarming speed. Luckily, Phil had let go of the knob and backed away quickly after he stopped talking.
If he hadn’t, he would have been body-slammed by a very overeager Wilbur Soot.
The man looked like he had just won the lottery. Or Christmas had come in May. Imagine the look of utter disappointment when he realized that whatever he expected was not there.
Instead, Wilbur got Phil, Ranboo, Tommy, and Tubbo howling with laughter. Ranboo almost felt a little bad for him, but the hilarity of the situation overpowered any pity felt. It was, without a doubt, one of the greatest things he had the pleasure to watch. Including the duel he watched earlier.
“Oh, you motherfuckers .” The look of absolute betrayal only made everyone laugh harder.
“Okay we’re leaving now bye!” Tubbo dragged Tommy and Ranboo outside by the sleeves. All three were still howling, but were beginning to settle down a bit. However, when the trio stepped outside, looked at one another, and proceeded to once again burst into laughter.
“I - neh - fuck .” Tommy was gasping for air, his body vibrating with the force of his glee.
“Holy shit!” Tubbo was in a similar state, still clutching both sleeves. “That was fucking hilarious !”
“I have no idea what’s going on! ”
“And you shan’t know, Mr. Boob!” Tommy had a wild smile. “And you shan’t!”
_______________________________________
Later, after all three had calmed down and caught their breath, they began walking down the sidewalk.
Pavement. The two british teens insisted. This was pavement. Not SiDeWaLK .
“Where we goin’, boys!” Tommy was practically hopping along, bouncing on his feet.
“Denny’s” Tubbo replied automatically.
“No, Tubbo. Denny’s is the other way.” Ranboo had to walk slower than normal, to keep pace with Tubbo and his (admittedly very short) legs. “However, we could go to-”
“Nope.” Tommy cut him off. “Whatever shitty-ass cursed restaurant you’re gonna say, no. We’re going to the diner.”
Tubbo, who had released Ranboo’s sleeve a while back, took hold of it once more. “You’re gonna love this place.”
________________________________________
The place in question was a small diner, with a mainly purple interior. The walls, the seats of the booths, the chairs, the menus. All purple, accented with an almost neon green. The lights were a bit dim, giving the whole place a slightly mysterious, but cozy feeling.
“Ooh.” Ranboo said as the three slid into a booth. “Well, they’re very committed to the aesthetic.” He traced his finger on a small, roughly scratched picture of a UFO on the table.
“Bit of an eyesore.” Tommy grumbled a bit, but his eyes were fond as he gazed around the diner.
“You say that every time you come here.”
Ranboo started, turning to face another teen. He had dirty blond hair, a bit messy and unruly. His clothes were also purple, a hoodie with green glowing star accents running along the sleeves. A pair of headphones hung around his neck, and his eyes looked purple in the lighting.
The guy sighed. “The usual, I guess?” Wait, did this dude work here? Nevermind, Ranboo could see a notepad and pencil in his hands. Guess this was their waiter.
“You got it, boss man!” Tubbo grinned. “Get a third order too. We’ve got someone new.”
“Really?” The guy was scribbling something in his notepad. “Who’d you kidnap this time?”
He looked up to glance at Ranboo, then continued to scribble on his pad. “He’s a tall motherfucker. How’d you fit him in the drug van?”
Drug van???
“Stuck his head out the sunroof.” Tubbo drummed his fingers absently on the table.”
“I don’t think Wilbur’s minivan had a sunroof.”
“It does now.” Tommy chimed in.
The waiter stopped scribbling in the notepad. “Where did you come from anyway?” Oh, was he talking to Ranboo? “Please tell me they didn’t actually kidnap you.”
“Uh.”
“ Really Purpled,” Tubbo actually batted his eyelashes . “Do you actually think so little of us?”
“Yes.”
“You did meet me by popping out of a vent.” Ranboo agreed.
The waiter stared at Ranboo like he hoped he was kidding, but knew Ranboo wasn’t. Tommy saved him by throwing an arm over his shoulder and saying, “Ranboob here is the new man at the cafe!”
“Ranboo.” Ranboo corrected. He wasn’t gonna have another person calling him that.
The waiter (was his name really Purpled, because that was some serious irony) actually looked sorry for him. “My condolences.”
“PURPLED!” A shout came from what Ranboo assumed was the kitchen. “QUIT TALKING TO THE CUSTOMERS AND GET YOUR ASS IN HERE WITH THE ORDERS!”
“ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. JESUS PUNZ. I’M COMING!” Yelled the teen, who’s name was, in fact, Purpled. Oh, the absolute, terrible irony.
“So,” Ranboo said, when the other teen had disappeared. “That dude’s name was Purpled...and he works in a space-themed cafe. Where everything is purple. And he wears purple.”
“His eyes are purple too.” Tommy supplied. “Dunno how, but they are.”
Tubbo nodded in confirmation.
Ranboo was drowning in irony. It was gonna kill him.
_______________________________________
“...so be careful what you say around Charlie.” Tommy’s hand gestures went wild. “He can and will turn everything you say into a fuckin’ bad pun.”
“Food’s here.” Tubbo said, spotting Purpled walking out with a tray of food.
Suddenly, Ranboo remembered what he was getting into. He had no idea what he was eating, and he wasn’t sure he entirely trusted Tubbo and Tommy not to mess with him.
“Three shakes,” Purpled looked bored as hell. “Three orders of whatever. You know what it is.” Ranboo did not, in fact, know what it was.
‘It’ turned out to just be a burger and fries. And a thick, purplish tinted milkshake with some small almost glittery bits floating inside. However, Tommy and Tubbo dug in without hesitation, so Ranboo slowly took a single fry.
It was...good. Very good.
Trusting his first impression (and his growling stomach), he started to eat. Slowly at first, then he was practically stuffing his face. This was really, really good . Ranboo had never eaten at a diner, but this was fantastic .
He was halfway through his food when the strange milkshake was remembered. Tubbo was slurping his own down happily, while Tommy had taken only a few sips. You know what, Ranboo decided, the rest of the stuff was so good, this couldn’t be that bad.
Hesitantly, he took a small sip.
He was wrong.
It was not okay.
It was one of the best things Ranboo had ever had.
The rest of the meal, especially the shake, quickly disappeared.
“Good?” Purpled asked when he came back for the dishes.
“Amazing.” That was the best Ranboo could say.
Purpled’s lips quirked up a bit at that. “Figures.”
“Wait, how are we gonna pay?” Tommy suddenly looked concerned.
“I got it, big man.” Tubbo dug in his pockets for a moment, then pulled a card out with a triumphant grin. “I stole Phil’s credit card.”
“What the fuck.”
“Dude how .”
“Why are we friends.”
_______________________________________
Afterwards, the trio was dragged by Tommy to some park.
“Phil’s gonna kill you.” Tubbo commented, watching Tommy dig coins out of some big fountain.
“Well, then Phil won’t find out, bitch!” Tommy shot back, scooping up a handful of dripping quarters.
Ranboo just watched him stuff his pockets full of coins. When Tommy caught his stare, the blond teen just shrugged. “Free money.”
Ranboo couldn’t argue with that.
Soon, all three were up to their elbows in water, fishing for coins to line their pockets. Quickly, of course, as to not get caught.
Afterwards, on a bench somewhere far from that fountain, Ranboo felt happier than he felt had in a while. Arms dripping wet, counting coins and comparing his earnings with Tubbo and Tommy. He made friends, good ones. Ones who he debated shows and video games with. Ones who showed him a fantastic diner. Ones who he just dug through a public fountain with, stealing coins from the water. Ranboo may have only known them for a few hours, but they were already two of the best friends he ever had.
“No, I am not giving you my dollar coin.” He argued with Tubbo.
He batted Tommy’s hand away, who was sneaking up to try and snag the rare coin.
Yeah, Ranboo could get used to this.
________________________________________
“You boys took your time!” Phil called as the trio (because they were a trio now) walked back into the cafe.
A glance at his phone revealed to Ranboo that they had been gone for at least two and a half hours. It was now almost 4:00, but Phil had said previously that Ranboo had until around 5 to chill.
“Here’s your credit card back.” Tubbo placed the card on the counter and slid it forwards. Phil barely managed to catch it before it slid off the counter.
The adult frowned. “Why are your arms and clothes soaked? It didn’t rain today, for once.” Phil looked accusingly at the three, mostly the shorter two. Both wore similar expressions of guilt, which Ranboo thought might be mirrored on his face.
“You boys weren’t-”
Before he could finish the thought, the door to the back opened, and Kristin was aiming a nerf gun directly at Phil. Before the man could react, he was hit in both the arm and the neck.
Cackling, the woman retreated into the back room, pursued by Phil, who was calling, “You little shit!”
When the door closed, Wilbur turned towards the trio. “So, tell the truth. Were you guys raiding the fountain?”
Tommy’s guilty expression said it all.
Wilbur sighed. “Really? Without me? Rude.”
“Nah, you were busy waiting for your boyfriend.”
At Tubbo’s words, Wilbur turned bright red. “He’s not - uh… we’re not - no…” He gave up, resting his forehead on the cold of the counter. “Fuck.”
Tubbo and Tommy were laughing. Tommy patted the back of his head in sympathy. “It’ll be alright, Wilby.”
Wilbur’s head shot up, his expression changing from a pure form of embarrassment to a feral smile. “Did you just call me Wilby? Did you just fucking call me Wilby ?”
The tables were turned, and now Tommy was the one bright red. “I - NO! No way. I called you dickhead! See. I said ‘it’ll be alright dickhead’! Tell him Tubbo! Ranboo!”
But the two were busy laughing at Tommy to back him up. Not that either would have.
“Awww, Tommy!” Wilbur leaned over, wrapping Tommy in a hug that somehow spanned the counter. “I knew you loved me!”
“No I don’t! Let go of me, dickhead!” Tommy was attempting to push the taller away, but it was no use. Wilbur was not budging. Ranboo doubted if he could be separated with a crowbar.
Eventually, Wilbur let go of his own volition. Well, actually Ranboo bribed him with the dollar coin, but that was besides the point. The point was that Tommy was free, and was dragging the other two away into the back, away from Wilbur. The tall man gave them a wide, fake smile and a wave as they headed into the hallway, flipping his new coin absently.
________________________________________
“So,” Tubbo hopped up onto a crate. “Who have you met of the regulars?”
“Uh.” Ranboo racked his brain for names. “Niki, Fundy, the Dream Team, Eret, Foolish, and Charlie.”
“So you haven’t met Puffy?”
“Or Schlatt?”
“Or Karl and Quackity?”
“Or Skephalo?”
“Or-”
Ranboo had to cut Tommy and Tubbo off. “Sorry, but who are these people?”
“Well, Puffy runs the fashion store with Eret.” Tubbo explained. “Karl and Quackity are friends with the Dream Team. Well, more than friends with one of them.”
Vaguely, Ranboo remembered Techno making a comment about coffee for Sapnap’s boyfriends. Huh.
“Schlatt is one of Wilbur’s...friends? Fuck, I don’t really know. He’s also good friends with Charlie though.”
Okay, if this man was somehow voluntarily good friends with Charlie, Ranboo wasn’t sure if this guy was incredibly brave or just nuts.
“Skephalo’s actually two people, but we just call them like one because they’re almost always together.” Tubbo was swinging his legs dangerously close to Tommy’s head.
“They’re actually called Skeppy and Bad. Bad works with Niki in the bakery.” Tommy was laying on the floor, staring straight up at the ceiling.
“Bad? Wasn’t he the one who made those muffins?” Ranboo recalled Niki saying something about stress baking. He only remembered because those muffins might be one of his favorite things ever now.
“Wait, there are muffins?” Tubbo’s face lit up.
“Not anymore.”
Tubbo whipped his head to Ranboo, mouth open and eyes disappointed. “Ranboo! How could you betray me like this?”
The traitor on trial simply shrugged. “Well I didn’t know you existed at the time.”
Tubbo sighed. “Fair enough. Forget again and I’ll divorce you.”
“Wait, we're married now???”
“Not if you keep eating my pastries.”
Tommy, who had stood up and was rummaging through boxes, then shouted, “Holy fuck! Guys, check this shit out!”
Tubbo hopped off his crate and the two ran to Tommy. The blond was up to his forearms in a box. After a bit, he managed to unearth a frame, with a paper covered in a messy scrawl. Several parts were crossed or scribbled out, and the paper was very wrinkled and torn slightly around the edges. It was just a piece of lined notebook paper. Why was it framed?
Tubbo gasped, like Tommy had just pulled out a solid sheet of gold. “No fucking way! Is that the Declaration of Independence?” He snatched the frame from Tommy’s hands, holding it reverently.
“What’s that?” Ranboo had to know. Whatever this was, it clearly had some significance to the other two.
“Only the Declaration of Independence for the grand country of L’Manberg!” Tommy's chest puffed up a bit, and he beamed proudly. Tubbo waved the framed paper around excitedly.
“I didn’t know Wilbur kept it!”
“What’s L’Manberg?” Ranboo felt a bit stupid, like he was missing something obvious.
“ ‘S a country they made with Wilbur when we were kids.” All three teens jumped at the sudden monotone voice. “It was really just some boxes and crates.”
Techno was leaning on the doorframe, casual as could be. Seriously, how did such a big guy move so quietly? Ranboo needed to know his secret.
“Which you helped us reclaim back from Schlatt. And then helped destroy with Wilbur.” Tubbo accused, jabbing a finger at the pink-haired man.
“You wanted to build a government. Couldn’t let that happen.”
“Why?” Tubbo was now squinting at the man.
“Bruuuuuh.’ Techno threw his hands out wide. “I’m an anarchist! What did you expect !”
“Wait.” Ranboo needed to get this straight. “You built a country out of boxes and crates, and made a Declaration of Independence. Then somehow, this Schlatt guy got a hold of the country. Techno helped you reclaim L’Manberg, but then he destroyed it because he hates governments. Wilbur also helped with the destruction?”
Tubbo nodded in confirmation. “Then I became president and rebuilt it.”
“Yeah.” Tommy shot at him. “Right after you exiled me with Dream!”
“Wait, wait. Dream was there too?”
“Yeah, he was a bit of a dick when we played this.” Tommy said. “Stole my shit. Gave it back later though. We're cool now.”
“Wilbur also died and became a ghost.” Tubbo chimed in. “He would put on this weird higher voice. Act all innocent and forgetful and shit. Wore a yellow sweater and stuff. His voice also could do this echoey thing.”
“I remember. He was the only one who visited during my fucking exile .” Tommy glowered a bit.
“You're not really still mad about that? That was like, years ago!”
“Also,” Techno spoke up again. “I did give you a place away from Dream. Protected you from him. Ya know, risked my fictional life and all.”
“Really?” Tubbo had that grin You know, the one that meant he was gonna say something stupid or sarcastic, or maybe both. “I thought Technoblade never dies.”
Techno opened his mouth, then paused. Crossing his arms, he leaned further into the doorframe. “That’s fair.” His voice was a bit gruffier than before.
“Oh, remember when Phil killed Wilbur? Man, he used that as an excuse for weeks . He was all, oh but Dadza, you killed me. Please let me get this thing . Bitch.”
_________________________________________
“How did you guys know each other when you were small?” Ranboo asked later, when Techno and him were finally placed back behind the counter.
Techno looked at him like he was crazy, or maybe stupid.
“Bruh. We’re siblings.”
Ranboo’s nerves were hit with a shock, caused by the bomb Techno dropped just a moment ago. “What?”
“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. ” Techno looked like he wanted to shake Ranboo by the shoulders. “We have all called Phil ‘dad’ or some iteration in front of you. Multiple times.”
“Phil’s your dad??? ”
“BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH-”
“To be fair.” Phil’s voice chimed in, causing Ranboo to jump and Techno to twitch slightly. “None of you look anything like me. Well,” He thought for a moment. “ ‘Cept maybe Tommy. Plus you’re all adopted anyways.”
Phil then turned to Ranboo. “Kristin did warn you that I adopt a lot of kids.”
Ranboo thought that was a joke??? “Please do not surprise adopt me, Philza Minecraft.”
“Pretty sure that’s called kidnapping.” Techno’s deadpan was never broken.
“So Phil won’t be putting me in the child bag? My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined.”
“What the fuck?”
“The child bag, Phil. The child bag.”
“...”
“Oh, and Wil’s my twin. Forgot about that.”
“I’m sorry, but WHAT! ”
_________________________________________
There was a very thin person with their elbows propped up next to the cash register. Their head was completely shaved in a buzz cut. They were wearing a long black skirt, and a jean jacket with a nonbinary patch over some band t-shirt. They were also wearing a pair of two-toned sunglasses, one eye red and the other blue.
“Jack!” Phil gave them a warm smile. “Good to see you, mate!”
“Yeah. ’S been a bit, hasn't it?” Jack gave Techno a small nod, which was reciprocated.
It took them about 2.6 seconds to notice Ranboo.
“Please tell me they didn’t kidnap you.”
“No?” Why were people assuming that these people had kidnapped him? If he had a nickel for every time someone thought he had been kidnapped, he would have two nickels. Which is not a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. In the same day, nonetheless.
Jack leaned farther into the countertop, beckoning for Ranboo to lean in. “Did Wilbur try and get you to join the mule cult? Or Tubbo?”
Ok, what the actual fuck?
Ranboo didn’t know how to respond, so he just said no. Which was the truth.
“Good. Listen. DO NOT JOIN THEM. Do not even mention the mule.” Jack shuddered. “Trust me. You do not want to know.”
“Ok. Uh, sorry, but what are your pronouns? I don’t want to get it wrong.” Ranboo needed to ask, because he could not think about the apparent mule cult.
“Oh! They/them is good, thanks for asking.” Jack gave him a smile. “What about you, new guy?”
“Uh, he/him is fine for now. Working on that, I guess. My name’s Ranboo, by the way.”
“Alright then Ranboo! You’re alright, ya know.”
“Uh, thanks. I like your glasses.”
Jack grinned, pushing the mentioned accessory up their nose. “Thanks, Niki gave them to me. You met Niki yet?”
“Short, pink hair, works in the bakery? Yeah, she was in this morning. Brought very delicious muffins.”
“Did Bad make them? That man has a strange obsession with muffins. And cussing. And Skeppy.”
That was the second time that the two people were brought up together. Were they dating? Ranboo had to ask.
Techno, hearing his question, scoffed. “I wish. If I have to hear Skeppy wax on about Bad’s eyes or how sweet he is, or did you see this thing he gave me isn’t he just the best , I’m gonna push him. Off a building. A very, very tall one.”
“Splat.” Jack said offhandedly.
“Only worth it if he does a backflip on the way down.” Ranboo had no clue who Skeppy was, but he couldn’t resist. Not when the joke was just right there .
“Goin’ out in style.” Their expression suddenly shifted to something more blank. Then in a completely different, and hilariously familiar voice. “Top 10 Technoblade Kills, Caught in 4K.”
Ranboo couldn’t breathe, because he knew that goddamn voice. Everyone in this city probably did, considering that it was on the most popular radio station, everyday. It was a dead on impression. “Is that Chills?? ”
Still blank-faced, Jack looked Ranboo dead in the eyes. “That’s kinda sus, my man.”
Which only served to make Ranboo laugh even harder. This Jack person was fucking hilarious .
“Drink.” Techno slid a cup across the counter, which Jack fumbled to catch in time. Swiping his credit card, Jack took a sip of his drink.
“Fuckin’ amazing as always.” Jack gave the three a final grin and wave. “See ya all later!”
Ranboo gave a small wave back to the swinging door, which was still modified to play a chorus of “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
_____________________________________
“Why did you hire me?”
“What?” Phil looked up from the coffee he was making. Probably for himself. The cafe was completely empty, save for some random people, all with headphones in or some another distraction. Even Techno was gone, disappearing when it became clear that he was no longer needed.
“Uh. It’s just...well…” Ranboo struggled, scrambling to arrange scattered fragments of something into sentences. “Techno, Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo. They’re your kids. Right?” A nod of confirmation from Phil. “Well, why’d you hire me? This is clearly a family thing. So why am I here? If.. you don’t mind me asking. Please.”
Phil’s face was soft, dripping with an expression Ranboo couldn’t name if he tried. He hoped it was good.
“Ranboo…” Phil sighed. “ God, how do I say this? Okay,” He looked at Ranboo’s face, like he was searching for something. “We needed more help here. Things have been busier, I can’t work the front most times because I’m managing the business end and...other things. Tommy and Tubbo have video games and online schooling, Wilbur is working on music, and Techno has been helping with the business aspect, among other things. Between everything we have going on, and the cafe picking up more traffic, we needed another pair of hands.”
“Ok, but...why specifically me?” There were people with more experience than Ranboo, people who could help a lot more. People who were better, more interesting. More suited for dealing with people than him. He needed to know, what was so special about him? Because he couldn’t see it in himself, whatever it was.
“Why you?” Phil’s face sunk deeper into that unnameable expression. It was making Ranboo feel like melting, or running. “Because I saw something good in you. Yes, you had an ample resume, and decent experience. But that wasn’t it. When I saw you, when I talked to you, I saw pieces of something wonderful . You reminded me of my boys, in some ways. Techno’s awkwardness, Tubbo’s chaos, Wilbur’s appreciation for life, Tommy’s good naturedness. But, you were still your own amazing, unique person. In that interview, I saw a wonderful person, who could fit right in here, with us.”
Ranboo’s throat was clogged. Words felt thick and sluggish in his brain, like they were trying to push against the heavy weight of Phil’s words. And the potential of what they could mean, to Phil, and to Ranboo himself. “I - oh .”
Phil’s softness melting down into something a bit sadder. “Mate, if that’s too much, I’m sor-”
Ranboo cut him off with a hug.
For a second, it was slightly uncomfortable. Phil was a good deal shorter, and Ranboo had taken him completely by surprise. After a stiff moment, he returned the embrace, shifting to fit better with Ranboo. The discomfort flipped into something opposite. Something warm and soft as Phil’s smile and eyes. Something that felt, just a little, like home.
Eventually, the two had to pull back as a new customer entered the cafe. A small bit of him was disappointed about letting go, but the beam Phil gave him as they made coffee together made the loss worth it.
Yeah, Ranboo could get used to this cafe. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to leave.
_____________________________________
Eventually, the time came when he would have to. At least, Ranboo thought so.
“Alright mate.” Phil was wiping his hands off with a towel. “This time’s usually pretty slow. You’ve worked enough today, anyways. You’re free to head on home. Probably want to relax, you’ve done a lot, ‘specially for your first day.”
Though the words were not laced with any malice, Ranboo felt his stomach drop. It felt like a dismissal, like Phil was sending him away. Which was stupid, Ranboo should not be this attached after just a day. But with everything Phil said, and the way everyone here had readily accepted, no, welcomed , Ranboo, it was difficult not to. With this place, with this family. But it had only been a day. There was no way they wanted him around. Ranboo had probably already pushed boundaries he didn’t know about.
“However,” Phil was still talking. “If you want to stay, you’re welcome to join the boys in the back. You are not working though. You’re done with that for today.” He pointed a mock accusatory finger at Ranboo.
Though, all Ranboo felt was relief, and a rush of happiness and bliss. Phil did really mean what he said, it wasn’t just out of some pity. Maybe this family did want him after all. Maybe he could join them. Go out UFO-themed diners and dig through fountains for pocket change. Listen to Wilbur play his songs and watch Techno beat everyone in fencing. Maybe even get lessons from him, if he offered. Listen to Tommy and Wilbur bicker about nothing. Help Tubbo with whatever stupid prank or half-baked scheme he created. Hear Techno ranting about his hyperfixation, like greek mythology or something. See Phil get assaulted by Kristin, who would only cackle at his pain. Have a family, for maybe the first time ever.
And maybe Ranboo shouldn’t get ahead of himself, shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Phil pretty much said he wanted him around, but what about the others? Did Krisitin? Did Techno and Wilbur? What about Tommy and Tubbo? They seemed like they liked him, and wanted to spend time with Ranboo. How long would that last? How long could that last? Were they just paying him attention because he was new, or because they actually liked him.
He could find out, of course. March into the backrooms, hold his head high and ask them himself. However, that would be unbearably awkward, and besides, he knew these people for a day. Ranboo couldn’t do that.
So he thanked Phil politely, and told him he needed to get home. He may have lied a bit, saying his parents were waiting for him. His parents had been away for a couple weeks, and probably wouldn’t be back for another few.
Even if he wanted to stay, Ranboo knew he couldn’t. This day was a lot . He just needed to go home, be alone to think. And decide if he was coming back the next day. This place was weird as shit .
As he left the cafe, he slipped his hand in a pocket, the movement causing the coins in his pocket to jangle. Pulling out the colored sunglasses he found, Ranboo slipped them on. He dug into his pocket again, this time his hand hitting something unknown.
Pulling it out, Ranboo found a set of a few keys. Attached to the ring with a clip was a short note.
Just in case :)
Love, Phil
Ranboo stopped, staring at the little note. A small smile formed, because he made up his mind right then. He was going back tomorrow. No matter what.
______________________________________________
It hadn’t rained today. At all.
It always rained here, in Ranboo’s city. Every day, all of the time. Contrary to what you might think, it was almost never gloomy.
Kids splashed around in bright raincoats. Streetlamps and string lights dissipated fog, bathing everything in warm lighting to contrast the usual dark skies. In other areas, the neon of window signs and billboards had a similar effect. Families and strangers gathered around fireplaces to dry off. Thriving parks, green and full of vibrant flowers. Gardens kept on balconies and rooftops, fire escapes and window boxes. Gardens that hardly ever needed watering.
And everyone had umbrellas. Umbrellas in all colors, all matter of patterns and styles. Here, you could tell a lot about a person from just what umbrella they used. Especially if they didn’t have one. Ranboo himself had two, a black and white one, and a black with purple dots.
Ranboo never thought his city was sad, or gloomy, like most people would assume. To him, rain was as common as heat from a desert sun. It was a fact of life. Rain was something that just was . He knew most places weren’t like this, but Ranboo wouldn’t have it anyother way. He did love his city, rain and all. Sometimes, especially the rain.
Sometimes, Ranboo did want a day or two of no rain. Today, he was getting just that.
An almost clear sky, an incredible rarity. A bright sun, far away, unobscured by any clouds. Instead of a dark gray or even deep, dark blue, the sky was light. Like the robin’s egg he found once while climbing a tree in the park.
Ranboo knew tomorrow would be back to rain. He didn’t mind. Instead he wanted to enjoy the sun, the clear sky, the warmth.
He would climb on his roof, and enjoy the sky. Surrounded by plants of all manner, he would simply appreciate this time.
He liked the rain, he really did. But it would be back the next day.
Today, Ranboo liked the sun, the clear blue he could pretend he was falling into. Think of two sets of eyes, one mischievous, the other warm and kind. He could think of soft voices, singing a song not quite finished. Of a woman’s laugh and nerf darts fired at indignant partners. Of long pink hair and a whip-fast fencing sword. Of a boy hiding in a vent, who rigged up a bell just for rickrolls. Of watching twins duel. Of awkward conversations with your boss, walking in on a private moment. Of UFO diners with amazing purple milkshakes and stealing coins from a public fountain. Of friendship.
Yes, for now, Ranboo was happy with the sun. Because tomorrow was always gonna be there.
For now, Ranboo was content knowing this, just this.
It’s raining somewhere else.