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Getting psychic impressions from touch has always made physical intimacy difficult. It’s awful, but something Zed has come to expect, to see a man’s face change from loving to greedy, to suddenly know, in graphic detail, exactly what he wants to do to her whether she would enjoy it or not, seeing her as an object for his pleasure.
It isn’t Chas she’s worried about in this particular encounter. She can trust him to be honest, and when she’s talked with each of them about her worries, he responded with equal honesty.
She’s not sure John would recognize honesty if it bit him on the ass.
As expected, when she touches Chas the first time, she sees concern, and love, and yes, there’s desire there, but of the three of them Chas is the one who actually has some idea of how to be a functional human being, and just maybe, of how to make this work, and it shows.
Zed is touched by the sheer protective desire she sees in him, and not just toward her, but toward John, and that draws her attention to the other man sitting on the bed with them.
John has his usual insouciant smile, as he pulls off his tie, and he looks like he’s just barely keeping himself from saying something sarcastic.
Zed doesn’t want that, she’s been looking forward to this for so long, to finally being a part of what she knows they’ve shared since long before her arrival in their lives. To head him off, she reaches for his elbow, where his sleeves are rolled up…
…and recoils, breathless.
“You all right there, love?” John’s smile has disappeared, and Chas is now looking at her with open worry. Her thoughts race, and she stands frozen.
They shouldn’t be worried for her, Zed wants to say, but doesn’t know how. Not when she has just seen John, white as a sheet and trembling, a livid bruise blossoming beneath his left eye and a sickening line of small, round burns visible along one arm, just above a wavering set of incisions. In her vision, he leaned away from her, arms wrapped around himself, gazing at them both with equal parts need and fear, starved for touch and affection, but expecting neither and ready to bolt. Clearly terrified of himself as much as of them.
“Maybe we should do this another time,” Chas’ voice comes to her, and finally spurs her to action.
“No,” she manages. “No. We just have to do something else first.”
Without thinking further, she reaches toward John once more, hoping to offer simple reassurance, only to see comprehension flash across his features, turning quickly to bitter anger.
“Oh, leave it out,” John’s voice is harsh. “Get yourself under control – you know better. And stay the Hell out of my head.”
Chas reacts faster than Zed, pulling John back when he moves to leave the bed entirely, wrapping his arms around him carefully when he struggles like a wild thing, and at last gently but firmly grasping the smaller man’s wrists.
Zed has always known their relationship was a complex one, and she knew she would learn surprising things about both of them, but she is nonetheless surprised to see John promptly melt back against Chas as the latter bows his head to whisper something. She misses John’s grumbled response as well, as she takes the opportunity to close her eyes, breathe, and ground herself.
John is right, she realized – she has lost control, and intruded on his privacy. She slowly breathes in and out once more, before opening her eyes.
John and Chas have separated by then, and John appears calm, though wary. He is clearly waiting for her to make the next move.
“I’m sorry,” she begins. “You were right. I’m sorry.” Unsure of where to proceed, she falls silent, and realizes then that is all there was to say, and is glad to see a small smile in response, though it fails to reach John’s eyes. When he speaks, it is clearly with an effort.
“I have a guess as to what you saw, love, and I know what I am, and I know what’s wrong with me. Don’t try to fucking fix me, all right? Not what I’m here for.” He is still closed to her, but relaxing with every word, and he relaxes further when she nods her understanding. Chas relaxes minutely as well – only then does Zed realize how much tension he was carrying until then.
She feels a wash of relief, that she hasn’t ruined this, that she will still have her chance with these two men she didn’t even know she wanted so badly until this moment.
“Now, love, you were right about one thing. First things first.” And John opens his arms to her, and Zed moves toward him, as Chas moves to embrace them both.