Archive of Our Own

He’d been out to meet a vendor about thirty miles away. Normally he’d convince Alexis or Stevie to come if Patrick was at the Store. He should have realised yesterday when he decided to go alone something was wrong. He knew he wanted to be alone. He did the meeting, he was an expert at turning on ‘David Rose’ when he needed to for work, or anything else. She was a perfectly lovely ceramic artist who would make some beautiful tableware for the Store as well as potentially some one-off art pieces. He was pleased, it was both an excellent day’s work but also part of the bigger plan. But he couldn’t work up any real enthusiasm as he got in the car to drive home. Just an empty feeling and exhaustion.

It was three when he left. There wasn’t much point trying to get to the Store in time, by the time he left, took the car back to his Dad, it would be at least 4.30. He called Patrick.

‘David how many times do I need to tell you about calling while you’re driving.’

‘There’s not a car on the road.’

‘Yes but that car of your family’s doesn’t exactly have airbags.’

‘Your car is a death trap too.’

‘What do you need David?’

‘Nothing, just leaving the vendors, do you need help closing up or can I meet you at your place?’

Leaning on the counter Patrick sensed something in David’s voice beyond his snippiness. He’d been quiet this morning too. Maybe he was tired, it had been a busy few weeks.

‘Just meet me at home.’ he replied ‘I’ll be there by 5.30.’

‘Ok see you then. I’m hanging up so I don’t die horribly.’

‘Try not to.’ Patrick said hanging up. Satisfied David was fine really.

David drove home not listening to the radio that chattered along. His head started to feel heavy and loud. His Dad, in a strangely helpful and upbeat mood, offered to drive him to Patrick’s and he accepted, listening and making encouraging noises to his Dad’s business chatter. Allowing it to wash over him like white noise.

He got inside Patrick’s apartment and a wave of relief hit him. It was Saturday, which meant their day off tomorrow. Which meant he didn’t have to speak to anyone but Patrick for a day. He was tired, and something else. Something achingly familiar he was trying to push away. He considered what he should do while he waited for Patrick. He could answer emails. Or start dinner. But all he really wanted to do was lie down. That was all he really wanted to do all weekend if he could. He took his shoes off feeling like suddenly everything was a massive effort. He left them next to his bag by the door and went to the bed. He pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed over him, right over him so he was in a dark cocoon and closed his eyes.

His brain didn’t slow. It was racing at 1000 mile an hour as it had the whole way home. At the same time, he felt a dull ache in his chest and stomach like everything bad was happening at once. And everything felt pointless too. He sighed. Rationally he knew this feeling. Rationally he knew it wouldn’t last. That what he was thinking and feeling wouldn’t last. But right now that felt impossible to fight. So he stayed in his little blanket cocoon for a bit.

Patrick was mildly concerned that David hadn’t replied to his text. Particularly as part of it was about pizza. But not overly concerned, either he’d hit traffic and actually listened to his instructions not to call. Or he’d got home already and got distracted. What he wasn’t expecting was a David-shaped lump in his bed when he got in.

‘Um, David?’ Patrick said kicking his shoes off next to David’s messily abandoned things by the door. Which was the kind of thing he usually got told off for.

The lump under the blankets grunted.

‘You ok over there?’ Patrick was mildly concerned again. But it wasn’t the least David-like thing to retreat to a pile of blankets for...whatever reason. He sat down on the bed and patted what he assumed was a foot. David didn’t move.

‘Ok then.’ Patrick said, hauling himself up onto the bed and wrapping himself around the pile of blankets. ‘You not speaking to anyone?’

David huffed under the blanket. He’d meant to be up before Patrick got home. He’d meant to only lay there a bit. He’d meant to answer. He just hadn’t.

‘Hmm.’ He managed.

‘Hey, seriously David you ok in there?’ Patrick released him a bit and sat up, pulling at the blanket to find a way in, and uncover his boyfriend. Who blinked at him when he removed the blanket. And shrugged. Patrick frowned. ‘What’s going on?’

David shrugged again. ‘I was tired.’ he said. Not wanting to get into trying to explain exactly how he was feeling. Patrick frowned but seemed to accept that, scooting his way upright.

‘I sent you a text about pizza.’ he said ‘You want to order or shall I cook?’

‘Whatever.’ David shrugged.

Patrick frowned. ‘Really, you ok?’

David didn’t have the energy to explain or argue so he shrugged. Patrick continued to frown but held up his arm for David to roll under. Which he did, looping an arm around his middle and resting a head on his stomach. Patrick ran his hand up and down his back a few times. Worried now, but not wanting to push.

‘I’ll cook something in a bit then.’ he said. ‘Let’s sit here a bit, I'm tired too.’ he felt David snuggle into him a bit and let him for a while.

David felt his brain still a bit now Patrick was home. He still felt an ache in his chest and stomach. And a kind of listless pointless feeling. But his brain was quieter, he could breathe easier. He could live with the feeling of general ‘meh’ for a while.

Patrick absently stroked David’s hair while they lay there. Something was off he could tell. But he knew not to push too hard in case it set him off further. He’d been fine yesterday. He’d been quiet this morning. He decided to try a neutral work ground.

‘How was the vendor?’ he asked, aware they hadn’t talked about her. He felt him shift under him so he could talk.

‘Good really good.’ he said, David could feel some enthusiasm seeping into his brain as he ran over it ‘She’s going to do the tableware for us as an exclusive range and I talked to her about potentially selling some art pieces if that goes well.’ he paused looking up ‘I mean if you think that’s a good idea? Purely on sale or return and just as an experiment if the tableware goes well.’

Patrick looked down and he could see the nervousness in David’s face. He nodded. ‘I think that’s a great idea.’ he said.

David knitted his brows, which from above was always an entertaining sight. ‘Really?’

‘David, why wouldn’t I? You went over this with me, I think it’s a great idea to get local artists showcased in the Store.’ he knew it was the wrong way to say it even before he finished ‘Hey, no really.’ he said as he saw the look of panic flicker over David’s face.

‘Yeah but I know you’re the business side, and you think I get carried away and-’

‘David.’ Patrick used the tone that stopped him in his tracks. ‘It’s a good idea. She’s a great artist. Ok?’

He nodded.

‘Good. I’m gonna make dinner. Do you want to keep me company? Tell me about her some more?’

He felt David sigh, but he nodded. Something told Patrick letting him lay in bed and wallow in whatever wasn’t going to help. So he pushed him upright and steered him to the kitchen with him.

Two days later David knew he was going to be in trouble. He knew it. Patrick had asked him to do exactly one thing. And that thing was to put the meat he’d prepared, and the vegetables with it, in the oven, at 200 degrees. At six.

And David hadn’t. And it was now almost seven and Patrick would be home soon. And he was lying on the sofa, and he couldn’t bring himself to move. When it had got six he’d promised himself he’d get up in a minute. Then it had been six-fifteen and he’d said soon. By the time it got to six-thirty it was too late. And now it was really too late and Patrick would yell and he’d be in trouble and...somehow he still couldn’t move.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, Patrick was shouting at him about ‘One thing David, I asked you to do one thing.’ and he had shouted back at first, naturally defensive, falling into familiar bickering patterns. And then he just lost steam. And then his brain told him to go. So he picked himself up off the sofa and made to leave.

‘Where are you going?!’ Patrick half-shouted now. He stood with his hands on his hips in the kitchen.

‘Home. The Motel.’ David shrugged. ‘I messed up and…’ he gestured half-heartedly.

Patrick visibly crumpled a bit. ‘David, you don’t have to go. Come on, I know I yelled, but ...we’ll just have a late dinner.’

‘I’m not hungry anyway.’ he said ‘Look I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘David wait-David!’ Patrick was hurrying across the small space between the oven and the door where David now stood. He turned back, half-heartedly. He really felt like he was underwater now. ‘David.’ Patrick said again, his face full of concern, ‘Is everything-’

‘Fine.’ David said, a bit too snippily. ‘Fine.’ he repeated. ‘Look I made a mess. I’m just gonna go.’

Nothing about this was right. David never backed away from a squabble. He also never walked away from food. But something was also telling Patrick not to push. Not yet. Something wasn’t right for sure. But maybe David needed space. ‘Ok.’ he said, ‘Text me later ok?’

David nodded, and let Patrick reach up and kiss him lightly. He was almost out the door when Patrick caught his arm. David looked back. ‘I love you.’ Patrick said sweetly. David just nodded. It pained him, he could physically feel it in his chest, but he had nothing. He couldn’t even say it back today. He saw Patrick furrow his brow but he let him go. When David was gone he flopped against the doorframe, before shutting it too forcefully.

Later that night, David lay in bed with his headphones on. He’d been staring at the wall for an hour. Wide awake but drained. He couldn’t concentrate on his book, his journal. Nothing. So he was trying to drown out the noise with music. He looked at his phone for the 100th time. A row of texts, all from Patrick on the lock screen, covering the picture of the two of them.

Another flashed up, as he stared at it. ‘Going to bed now. Love you. X’

It caught in this chest. He wanted so badly to explain what he was feeling run back to Patrick’s place, curl up with him. Instead, he lay there frozen. Feeling, nothing. And everything. It was four before he fell asleep.

David looked wrecked when he came to work the next day, there was no other word for it. He was pale, and his usually carefully cultivated stubble was looking less than cultivated. His outfit too was the plainest Patrick had seen in a while. Head to toe plain black. No accessories. On reflection, it was a sign of something Patrick noticed all these things. But at the moment he was just concerned. But he tried not to show it. Instead, he held out the coffee he’d got ready after David had texted to say he was on his way.

‘Sorry I’m late. I overslept.’ David mumbled, taking the coffee.

‘Since when do you apologise for being late?’ Patrick asked, David didn’t lean in for a kiss and he tried not to let it sting. He reached out his free hand, the one not holding his own coffee to David’s waist. ‘You ok?’ he asked, realising it was a loaded question.

‘Tired.’ David answered, taking a sip of the coffee ‘Thank you.’ he said leaning down and kissing him, lightly on the cheek. Patrick hummed an answer and let him go. ‘I need to run to the bank in a bit, you ok by yourself for a bit?’

David nodded, going towards the stockroom.

At closing, David kissed Patrick goodbye and went back to the Motel. Patrick had baseball practice, and David had mentioned something about his mom’s latest design nightmares for the show. So he tried not to worry, it was normal for them to go their separate ways. Except David seemed anything but normal this week.

The knocking at the door was quiet but urgent. Patrick hurried best he could in his half-awake state. The clock said 1 am, and he tried to quiet panic over an emergency in the building and his brain leaping to ‘burglary’. At 1 am, the fact burglars wouldn’t knock was irrelevant.

‘I’m coming’ he croaked out, reaching the door. He opened it to find David standing there. He looked a mess. His hair was a mess, and his face was red- he quickly clocked from both the cold and the fact he was crying. Patrick was no expert but he knew this was a mismatched outfit in David-land. The fluffy sweater wasn’t one that went with the baggy not-quite sweatpants. And the shoes didn’t go at all.

‘David-what-come.’ Patrick took a breath. ‘Ok it’s ok.’ he said instead ‘come on.’ he ushered David inside. He realized he was also soaking wet. ‘Did you walk?’

David nodded. And immediately collapsed onto Patrick’s neck. ‘Sorry.’ he said ‘Sorry I woke you I can-’

He started to detangle himself.

‘Ok, you’re going nowhere.’ Patrick said firmly, holding him still by the arm. ‘It’s 1 in the morning, you’re freezing. And.’ he softened ‘I want to know what’s wrong.’

David stopped. Shrugged. And started to cry again.

Patrick cursed himself. ‘Ok alright. Well, how about we get you out of these clothes then.’ he rolled his eyes at himself ‘in a maybe… non-adult movie sounding way.’ he was rewarded with a halfhearted snort from David. Who seemed to have just gone limp where he stood. Patrick steered him towards the bedroom, flicking on a lamp as he went. He rummaged in his piles of t-shirts and then sought out some sweatpants.

‘These won’t be to your usual standards, but they’ll do.’ he said. David didn’t move. Patrick nodded and went to him again, he wrapped his arms around his waist for a second, as if that might steady him. Then reached and pulled up his sweater.

David felt ridiculous. But also powerless to do anything. At 12.30 he’d snapped and got up and left. Alexis had been trying to talk to him as he quietly cried in the dark. But he just needed his boyfriend. And now he felt stupid. And likely his boyfriend was no longer going to be his boyfriend when he knew the truth about him. He started to shiver.

‘David you’re soaked. And freezing. I think you should shower.’ Patrick rubbed his hands up and down his arms.

‘I’m fine.’ he managed to croak out. ‘I can go.’

‘David you’re not going anywhere! It’s 1 in the morning!’

‘I know! I’m sorry I’ll go!’ he shouted flailing his arms and sort of trying to move but not managing it. His head was feeling fuzzy now too.

‘David!’ Patrick shouted back exasperated. ‘David.’ he said softer, reaching out the shirt again ‘Please just stay.’

David bit his lip and nodded. He held out his hand for the T-shirt Patrick was offering. He peeled his own shirt off and discarded it pulling the fresh one on. It smelled like Patrick’s laundry detergent.

‘I’ll make us some tea then?’ Patrick said, conceding the battle a draw. David nodded again. Reaching for the sweatpants on the bed. He went to the kitchen. His phone blinked at him where it was charging. A message from Alexis flashed up.

‘Is my stupid brother there?’

‘Patrick answer please, I don’t want to have to tell my parents I cannot deal with my Mom at 1am.’

‘Ok, I’m worried he’s got himself attacked by a deer or something stupid.’

He picked up his phone.

‘He’s here.’ he replied. Then ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing happened.’

‘I mean that’s the thing sometimes nothing happens.’

‘Try and get him to talk to you.’

Patrick nodded. He sort of got it.

‘Ok thanks.’

‘He’s much better now you’re around you little Button.’

The kettle clicked off and he made the tea, taking it over to the bed where David had crossed his legs under him and was holding onto a pillow.

‘Alexis was worried.’ he said. ‘I told her you were here.’ David took the offered mug off him, and Patrick sat down next to him.

‘Thanks.’ he mumbled into his mug. He shouldn’t have stormed out in the middle of the night. And it wasn’t Alexis’ fault.

‘You walked here?’ Patrick asked. David nodded. ‘You should have called. I would have come and got you.’

‘It's the middle of the night.’ David muttered hunching over his tea.

‘I would have come and got you.’ Patrick reached an arm around him ‘David, I will always come if you need me.’

David looked over at his sweet earnest boyfriend and shook his head. He thought that now but he didn’t know what he was getting into. Even a year in he didn’t really know. Patrick frowned at him and rubbed his hand up and down looking confused and sad.

‘You think I wouldn’t? He felt genuinely hurt at the idea. David shrugged under him, looking down again. He wrapped both his arms around him this time and leaned his head on his shoulder. ‘I love you.’ he reminded him. And that was enough to set David off in a soft hiccup of a cry. ‘Ok, ok.’ Patrick reached down and took his mug off him and pulled him in while David hid his face. He rubbed a hand up and down his back. And leaned down to kiss his hair. He wasn’t quite sure what was going on still, but he sensed David just needed...something like this.

Patrick didn’t argue with him, didn’t tell him he was being stupid. He just...let him cry. He didn’t even ask what about. He felt his reassuring hand on his back and his lips in his hair and he just sat there while David cried in his lap. When he eventually calmed himself Patrick let him stay for a moment before gently asking.

‘Do you want to go to sleep?’ he nodded into his lap. It was all he wanted. Just to escape for a bit. But somewhere he felt safe. That had been all he could think of. ‘Ok then.’ Patrick said, giving him one last squeeze. He rounded up the cups while David went to the bathroom. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the state of his face. Patrick was already in bed when he emerged, sitting up waiting for him. He gave him a little smile, which he tried and failed to return.

It felt like it was taking all his effort to haul himself into bed. He felt like he should say something. Explain himself, explained something but he just didn’t have the energy to form words. As he scooted into bed he looked up at Patrick again and attempted to say something but something froze the minute he locked eyes with him.

Patrick could see it, David wanted to talk to him, explain what was happening, something. But he could see it getting stuck too. His big brown eyes looked hurt and lost, and just so sad. Patrick shook his head and lifted his arm as he lay down, pulling David into him. He felt him wrap himself around him a bit too tightly and burrow in. So he ran a hand over his hair and kissed his forehead.

‘It’s ok, it’s all fine.’ he reassured him ‘I love you.’

David squeezed him in response.

‘I got you ok?’ he kissed him again ‘I’ve always got you.’

He felt David softly start to cry again, so he smoothed his hair until he finally felt him still, and his breathing deepened. Patrick finally let out a breath. Whatever it was that had hurt him so badly in the past he was determined to put it right. Even if that was one tear-filled night at a time.

The next morning Patrick was predictably awake before David. Given the late night, it was a late start by Patrick’s standards -8am. It looked sunny outside and the apartment was filled with soft sunlight. David was curled up at his side his face buried in the pillow. He looked calm, which was an improvement. Patrick hauled himself up and pulled the covers back over him. He went to the bathroom then started pottering about the kitchen. Breakfast was useless until David had fully woken up, but coffee would be appreciated. He checked his phone.

‘Did he sleep?’

‘Still sleeping. But yes. Will fuel with coffee and make him talk.’

‘Good luck (you make him better he’ll listen to you)
Don’t tell him I was asking
Or that I said he’s better.
But I do want him better.

He smiled. For all their bickering Alexis worshipped her brother.

He scrolled through some emails and sent his Mom a text. Enjoying the quiet for a moment. He poured the coffee once it brewed and headed over to the bed. Placing the coffee back down he crawled back in as David stirred.

‘Hey there.’ Patrick said.

‘Mmm’ David answered. A standard morning greeting.

‘Coffee?’ Patrick asked.

David blinked properly awake and looked up at his boyfriend. He nodded and hauled himself up. Patrick handed him a mug and kissed his cheek as he did so. David nestled into the pillows holding it. It was a usual morning routine. Patrick knew not to try and engage in too much conversation until he’d had a chance to wake up a bit.

‘Thank you.’ David said ‘For last night I’m sorry for….’ he shrugged. For what, for him? For being an idiot.

‘Right now I’m more concerned with finding out why my boyfriend was so upset he turned up here crying at one in the morning.’

‘It’s stupid.’

‘David if it upset you it’s not stupid.’

He sighed. It did sound stupid saying it out loud. But he was going to try. ‘I read an article, about someone I used to work with. They’re super successful in the New York art scene now, like fucking everyone worshipping them, making crazy money. And that was bad enough. Just that feeling of...people doing better at what I tried to do when for me….well.’ he shrugged. ‘But in this article, there was a dig at a show I did, calling it ‘derivative’ and ‘a waste of time’ that show was...the one I was most proud of before it went wrong. And this guy was...one of my best friends.’ he shrugged. It was a horrible messy world back there, and he hated it, but he couldn’t extract himself from it. And things were good here, really good. But that article had felt like a stab to his heart. It was dramatic and stupid but it had broken him.

‘David that’s awful I’m sorry.’

David blinked at Patrick who looked genuinely confused and horrified. He had expected him to say it was stupid. Dismiss him as being over-sensitive. ‘Really?’

‘There’s no need for him to make comments about your work like that. Especially if he’s being celebrated in that article, why not just focus on that? What’s wrong with people?’ he made a face and David broke into a grin and kissed him. ‘What was that for?’

‘You’re just so...nice.’ David said. ‘It would never occur to you to do something like that would it?’

Patrick frowned. ‘Of course not.’ he knew there were cruel people like that, he’d encountered them, and certainly, David had encountered more than his share.

David looked down sadly again. Of course, it wouldn't. He felt Patrick reach an arm over and rub his hand up and down his back lightly.

‘Was that it?’ Patrick said ‘You were just upset from...that stuff from your past?’

David sighed. He might as well lay it all out now. He shrugged and shook his head ‘It’s like I can feel it coming sometimes. Like I don’t know what is going to make me feel like that and but I know something is...and I can’t stop it.’ he looked over at Patrick ‘I could feel it all week.’

Patrick reached down and kissed the top of his head. ‘What can I do to help?’ Patrick asked.

David flicked his eyes up again ‘You do.’ he said, leaning his head on his shoulder.

Things were better for a few days. Not better-better but better enough. Until Friday.

‘Fuck off Alexis how many times!’ David growled from under the duvet ‘I just need to SLEEP.’ he huffed and pulled the duvet further over himself.

Patrick contemplated a witty reply. But something at the sight of David hiding from the world pulled at him. Instead, he walked over to the bed and perched himself on the end.
‘You got room for some company?’

David froze under the duvet. Patrick couldn’t see him like this. He’d done his best to hide the worst of himself so far- or so he thought. But now he was here and he’d want explanations. Or he’d try and tell David to snap out of it or something.

He was stopped in the middle of his train of thought about to run away with him by the sensation of Patrick moving on his bed, of him lifting the covers and working his way under. There was barely room in the tiny bed but somehow he’d worked his way under the covers, hooked his leg over David’s and manoeuvred him into him before David could register what was happening.

‘What are you…?’ he barely had time to consider the fact he looked like hell, as Patrick was pulling him into him, and moving the duvet down just enough so they could both breathe, then pulling it back over David so he was still covered except for his head.

‘Well.’ Patrick said ‘My boyfriend’s sister told me he wasn’t well. So I’m just here to make him feel a bit better.’ he leaned down and kissed the top of David’s head. He did a double-check ‘If that’s...ok?’ he asked.

David blinked at him. Then settled his head onto his chest, and wrapped an arm around him. He couldn’t speak if he wanted to. Instead of running away, Patrick had come and found him. Something occurred to him and he pulled back and looked up at Patrick, who frowned at him. Possibly because he really did look like death.

‘You said I’m sick?’ he shook his head which was fuzzy ‘That you came to find me because I’m sick?’

Patrick tilted his head, with a slight frown. ‘Well you are.’ he said, then as the words left his mouth he got it. Nobody had ever...accepted that with David before. He leaned down and kissed David’s forehead. ‘Yes David, you’re sick, just like if you had a cold or something..’ he reached a hand up to his cheek. ‘You could have told me.’ he said softly.

David flicked his eyes down. He had no road map for this. Someone being understanding. Caring. He’d usually run away and hide until he was ‘better’ or functioning at least. ‘Sorry.’ he tried.

Patrick tightened his grip around David’s shoulder, he hurt for him. That he felt he couldn’t come to him in the first place, that his instinct was to say sorry. ‘You don’t need to be sorry.’ he said. He reached a hand up and smoothed David’s hair which was frankly more ridiculous than usual. ‘Look say no, and really do if you’d prefer, but how about you stay at my place for a few days- you don’t need to come into work- but I thought maybe some quiet…’ he shrugged. He had no idea how understanding David’s parents were about this but he couldn’t imagine the Motel was the most relaxing environment to be in.

David looked up at him, his eyes were slightly misty. ‘You wouldn’t mind?’ he said.

Patrick shook his head. ‘I’d prefer it.’ he said, leaning down and kissing his hair ‘Because I’d be less worried.’

David bit his lip. His instinct was to hide. But he’d missed Patrick more than he thought possible in the last day since he’d made an excuse of a headache, which he’d morphed into a ‘migraine’ to stay home. In the darkest moments he’d longed for him, but he’d been too scared to ask. He nodded. Patrick nodded back. ‘Ok then.’ he detangled himself from David. ‘You want me to pack for you?’

David looked up, and sighed, in both exhaustion and relief. Patrick somehow knew he didn’t have the strength to pack for himself. He nodded, miserable again now. Patrick kissed his head again.

‘On it.’ he said going into the bathroom, knowing he only needed the bare minimum as David already had duplicates of most things in his bathroom. Next, he grabbed underwear, socks, and a couple of spare t-shirts. He didn’t know how long David would stay but he could always do laundry if he needed to. Next two pairs of pyjamas from the drawer- again he could wash those, and it seemed likely David would need them more than his other clothes. He went to the wardrobe and held up a pair of black skinny jeans and David nodded. He pulled out another pair, the slightly baggier pants David liked, and Patrick reasoned were probably comfortable. Next, he grabbed two of what he always viewed as David’s comfier sweaters and carefully folded one into a bag, then took the other one to him.

‘My car is outside the door. You can throw that on over that, nobody’s about.’ he held it out to him, expecting some protest. That he didn’t was perhaps worse, but Patrick tried not to think about that. David stood up to pull on his shoes, and as he did so Patrick made the bed.

‘You don’t have to…’ David trailed off midway when it became clear Patrick was. ‘Thanks.’ he said. Patrick nodded.

‘Ready?’ he asked. David nodded back and followed him to the door.

Once back at Patrick’s place David hovered near the door, as if unsure what to do with himself. Patrick put his bag down and came over to David, resting his hands on his hips. David wouldn’t meet his gaze. ‘You can go back to bed here.’ he said evenly, ‘Or you can sit on the couch with me and watch TV. Or I can make you something to eat. Whatever you need.’ David nodded. Unsure really what he needed. He went slowly over to the couch. His head felt fuzzy and full, and he wasn’t really quite awake. But it was quiet and calm in Patrick’s apartment. He curled up at the end of the sofa his legs under him.

Patrick watched him go. It seemed like progress. He was out of bed for now. He hadn’t wanted him here to try and fix things, just genuinely he would worry less if David was close by. He went to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. His Grandmother was British and it was a long-established Brewer tradition that tea in times of trouble was always the correct response. He made two cups of tea and took them over to the couch, he perched himself at the other end, letting David dictate whether he wanted any physical contact. For now, he stayed curled up in a ball, having thanked Patrick for the tea, he huddled himself over it.

‘Take a nap.’ Patrick said after a while. ‘I’ve got invoices to send, I’ll be sat right by the bed.’

David didn’t know how he knew that having him nearby would help but it did. He nodded and let Patrick pull himself to his feet. He flopped on the bed and Patrick pulled the quilt over him, like he was tucking him into bed with the flu. He kissed his cheek before pulling up the chair at his desk and opening his laptop. The quiet tapping of keys was nice and David let himself close his eyes and doze a bit.

Patrick watched David doze, periodically checking in as he worked. He seemed ok, calm, if achingly sad. He wasn’t sure what was worse to see. But at least he was here, where he wasn’t alone. Patrick knew he couldn’t fix it, but he could be there. Something started to sit uncomfortably in his chest as he thought about David, curled up there and in all kinds of messy pain he couldn’t help with. A familiar ache in his own chest crept in as he checked on him. After a while he got up and went to the bed, curling himself around David, reassuring himself with the warmth of him. David stirred a bit and he kissed his cheek, leaning towards him, and he smiled a fraction as David leaned in for a kiss.

‘Doing ok?’ Patrick asked softly.

David flicked his eyes open and managed to shrug with his eyebrows. Patrick smiled softly and nodded. He reached over and smoothed David’s hair back. He must have looked like he was thinking because David frowned at him. He nodded.

‘I’m just going to say all this, and hope it helps or something. I don’t know what is happening in your head, and I know it’s probably not the same and you can tell me or not tell me and that’s fine.’ he felt David squeeze his hand, which he took as a sign to carry on, or it was ok, or both or something. He took a breath. ‘Before I moved here, I moved back home, to my parent’s place for a bit. Everything had gone wrong. I mean you know some of it, how I lost the job I’d had since college, and then my roommates all wanted to move, and I couldn’t afford to. And how Rachel and I...well we broke up. Not just broke up I guess, because we were engaged that’s a bit more than a break up right? Anyway, that was over. I think it’s fair to say life was not going well.’ he paused ‘And I was not handling it well.’ he paused again gathering himself a bit ‘And you know me, David, I’m not someone who handles not being in control of things well. And I couldn’t do anything about any of that. And even the things I could...I couldn’t. I couldn’t seem to pick myself up and get a new job. Or get over my failed relationship. Well at least we know the reason for that at least.’ he attempted a laugh which fell flat. ‘I just remember feeling...empty for a long time. I was at home like that longer than I like to think about. I just sort of crashed out of life for a bit. I didn’t see any friends, I barely left the house. I got a handful of job interviews, most of them I was too nervous, too I don’t know out of it, and I did terribly. And then one day I got to one and I couldn’t get out of my car. I couldn’t go in, couldn’t go through that again. I sat in the car like I couldn’t move, I physically couldn’t get out. Until the time passed and I was too late. And eventually, I drove home. And pretended I just didn’t get it. And then I stopped applying for jobs because I was scared of that happening again. And I stopped doing anything really. And my Mom would say that isn’t you Patrick you’ve always been so busy and she was right. But I just...couldn’t...do anything. Or do anything right.’ He paused again, struggling with the next bit. ‘And I’m not very good at putting any of this into words, I’ve never talked to anyone about it and maybe I should have. So just you know bear with me. Things were...not good. There were some really dark times in those months and some really...dark thoughts. Thoughts that when I think back now on them really fucking scare me, but at the time they didn’t and that’s what scares me. And I just thought you should know all that. In case it helps.

He leaned over and kissed David’s cheek. For a brief moment, he felt him hold onto his arm, before letting him go. ‘I’m going to read on the couch, I'll make us some food later.’ he said softly. He fussed with the blanket a bit after he got up.

David wiped at his eyes when he was sure Patrick was gone. He waited a little while, letting Patrick settle in, then he got up out of bed and took the blanket with him, went to the couch where Patrick was reading. He sat down and brought the blanket with him, wrapping it around them both. Patrick lifted an arm and he nestled himself under it.

‘Hey there.’ he said softly as David settled down.

They were quiet for a bit. Patrick had put on some music, some quietly folksy piano-led something that David didn’t recognise but it was nice- just enough to offset the quiet. Patrick brought a hand up to his hair and played with it gently.

‘Was that the only time?’ David asked eventually. Patrick’s hand stilled, then he leaned down and kissed him again.

‘No.’ he said softly. ‘The worst time yeah, but not the only time.’

‘We don’t have to talk about it now.’ David said, sensing this was one of those things Patrick needed to take his time over.

‘Ok.’ Patrick said, kissing his hair again. ‘You want some dinner?’

David nodded into him and looked up. ‘Thanks.’ he said, not just for the dinner.

They were settled in bed, watching When Harry Met Sally on the laptop, half watching at least. David kept leaning into Patrick for kisses, and he was happy to oblige with soft touches, and arms around him, sensing probably that David was needy, but not pushing him away for it. That was new. David knew he craved affection when he felt like this, but nobody had been there to give it to him before with any certainty. Or if he thought they were he drove them away. He let himself relax into the movie finally and spent the last half hour resting happily on Patrick’s chest while they watched. As it finished David glanced up with a happy, genuine smile at Harry and Sally’s triumph, only to see Patrick wiping away tears. David frowned, he cried at movies too, but usually big emotional sporting-triumph ones. Or genuinely sad ones. He wasn’t a cry at a rom-com guy. That was David’s job.

‘Honey?’ he ventured.

‘Oh, I’m fine David. Being silly.’ he kissed him. ‘You’ve finally got me with the romcoms.’ he used a sleeve to wipe his face, and David frowned but kissed him. It was silly he’d seen this film a bunch of times and maybe mildly well up one or two times. Today something had just….cracked and he found himself crying deeply at it. For no reason, and every reason. There was a creeping feeling of just...blackness inside him he was trying to ward off, or not give in to. And yes he was crying in front of David. It wasn’t that he felt anything about crying in front of him- he’d cried a handful of times, tearing up at movies. And during last weekend, once when David found out, then again late that night out of sheer relief. But he had no reason to cry now. Feeling a bit tired and just ‘bleugh’ wasn’t an excuse to cry. He wiped his eyes and sat up, trying to brush it off for now.

Sensing it was another Patrick not there yet moment. Feeling the tension seep from his body for the first time in days he realised he was though.

‘I was sixteen the first time this happened.’ he gestured vaguely ‘For no reason. I mean Alexis likes to talk about the school bullies but it really wasn’t as dramatic as she likes to say.’

‘David.’ Patrick said.

It slowed his roll and he stopped, tracing a pattern on Patrick’s stomach not looking up again.

‘Ok it was pretty bad.’ he admitted, for the first time, not even the thousands of dollars of therapy had got that out of him. ‘But it wasn’t why...not really. They feel...separate.’ he shrugged. ‘It was summer break, I was fine, everyone was leaving me alone...I was doing a stupid internship at the TV company my mom did an infomercial for...it was fine...and then I couldn’t get out of bed. Except I had to, because of the stupid internship. So I stole my mom’s pills and got through it, and slept all weekend for a month.’ he shrugged. ‘Slowly it went away, sort of. And then it did for a bit.’

‘You didn’t ask for help?’ Patrick asked, ‘I mean if you already went to therapy…’

‘I didn’t think I could.’ David shrugged it was stupid, he knew, rationally the therapist was there to help him. But he didn’t feel like he could ask for help for just being...sad. Not even sad, just...nothing. So he talked about the bullies like his parents wanted him to, and about the expectations and pressure on him, and that part helped. It just didn’t help with the...empty nothing feelings.

‘I get that.’ Patrick said absently stroking David’s hair down. ‘If everything seems ok...asking for help seems...pointless.’

David let it hang a moment, tracing soft circles on Patrick’s stomach, trying to keep it light- as light as anything could be in this situation, this conversation.

‘Did you ever ask for help?’ he asked carefully.

Patrick shook his head. ‘My family aren’t exactly the go to therapy types David.’ he shrugged ‘We’re not the talk it out types either.’

David nodded, he could feel Patrick’s walls coming up, even if he didn’t mean to. He settled back down, resting his head, enjoying the sound of Patrick’s steady heartbeat.

‘Thank you.’ he said, ‘For holding me. I, uh like it, when I feel like this. Not that I don’t like it anyway but right now. It helps.’

Patrick wrapped his arms a bit tighter. ‘Good.’ he muttered into David’s hair.

Over the next few days, David found himself returning to normal. Or normal-ish at least. He still felt flat, and tired. He was still clingy and needy, but luckily Patrick was willing to indulge him there. They were both quiet, less sparky with each other, but it was ok. And then slowly, David was ok again. Really ok. These things came in waves and this one passed.

Things returned to normal. Until everything imploded on Patrick’s Birthday. That was the first time David saw his boyfriend cry over something that wasn’t a movie or sports. But then everything was ok. Until the week after when Patrick...disappeared.

He was still there, still working, still doing his job, still smiling at customers and being charming. He was going to rehearsal and learning routines and joking with cast members. But he wasn’t there, he wasn’t Patrick. It took David two days to realise, at first thinking he was tired after a ridiculous weekend, or sad his parents had gone. He was sad he realised, but a different kind of sad.

Saturday evening, Patrick got home from rehearsal, showered and flopped on the sofa. David went to the fridge, got out a beer, opened it and put it in his hand. He sat cross-legged next to him.

‘What helps?’ he asked bluntly.

Patrick stared into his beer, took a swig and shrugged.

‘Ok I’ll go. You’ve already worked it out because you’re good at this, but I’ll spell it out. I need physical stuff- not like that, well sometimes like that.’ Patrick gave him a little smile ‘Well I suppose it does help, endorphins or whatever. Anyway, physical touch helps- even if I’m hiding under a pile of blankets I like…’ he was suddenly embarrassed. ‘A hug.’

Patrick reached over to his knee and gave it a squeeze.

‘I get needy. I know. Physically but also clingy and annoying, and I need reassuring. More than usual, that you love me, that you want to be around me- even if you don’t.’

‘David I always do.’

‘Well I need reminding of that anyway, even more when my brain is lying to me.’ he leaned over and kissed the top of Patrick’s head wrapping a hand around his cheek. ‘Your brain is lying to you honey.’ he added softly.

Patrick nodded sadly, with a look that David had only seen once before, on his Birthday.

‘Nothing’s wrong. Not really. I promise.’ Patrick said. ‘I’m just…’ he trailed off and took a sip of his beer.

‘What helps?’ David asked.

Patrick shrugged again. ‘I don’t know.’ he said ‘I don’t know David because nobody has ever…’ he shook his head and stared at his beer.

David felt the revelation wash over him; Patrick had never had anyone there to help. He’d never let his parents help, never asked for it. Never had anyone else he...trusted maybe? To help. So he didn’t know.

‘Why don’t we start with a hug then?’ David ventured. He opened his arms and Patrick put down his beer and leaned into him. David pulled him in tighter. ‘I love you. And we will get through this together.’ he whispered.

That cracked Patrick open. Quietly, imperceptibly, and it took David long moments to realise he was crying into his sweater. Instead of asking him anything, he held on tighter, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

‘It’s ok to cry honey.’ he whispered. ‘It’s ok if you need to cry.’

The thought took root in his brain and he let Patrick cry for a bit, before he straightened up and wiped his face.

‘Sorry David I don’t know why I’m like this.’ he shook his head, and swigged his beer. ‘Dinner?’ he said, the conversation and the moment clearly closed.

David nodded, and let him take the lead. But he noticed when Patrick pulled him in as they got into bed, that he kept a tight hold onto him as they fell asleep. That he was still like that in the morning too, even when they’d moved in the night, hanging onto David’s arm.

The next day Patrick was ok. But nothing more than ok. He went to the gym first thing and while normally he’d come back bouncy- and sometimes far too affectionate for someone so sweaty- he quietly went for a shower and made breakfast instead. It took David loitering behind him to get him to properly kiss him good morning, but then he curled himself around David’s waist for a long hug.

The Store was closed and there was no rehearsal, so they had a quiet day to themselves. Except Patrick was clearly having nothing like a quiet day. He declared they were going to Elmdale to pick up the various homewares he’d needed for a while. He also mentioned the hardware store and a bunch of practical things David didn’t understand. So they drove, listening to sports, which David didn’t argue with. And then a morning of errands- and heavy unexciting shopping. Patrick then seemed to flip into ‘fun’ mode, insisting on taking David for lunch, and shopping in the non-boring, but not exactly high-end shops of Elmdale. Still it wasn’t a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Patrick spent a long time in the bookstore- one of Elmdale’s few true highlights was it’s an unfeasibly large bookstore with new and used offerings. David let Patrick browse while he did the same, enjoying the quiet of it. David watched him browsing some trashy thrillers by the door and snuck off to the back.

‘Ready?’ he asked, Patrick nodded. Outside David revealed the bag he’d been hiding and handed it to Patrick. He frowned and looked inside.

‘David!’ he exclaimed at the big hardback book on baseball David had watched him flick through every time they’d come in. ‘This was like fifty dollars! It’s too much.’

‘It’s vintage, and you wanted it.’ He kissed Patrick’s cheek. ‘Besides there are lots of cute pictures of guys in their baseball outfits.’

Patrick smiled, tilting his head. ‘That’s very sweet David. Thank you.’ he said. ‘Coffee before we go?’

‘I require cake.’ David confirmed. For a while in the coffee shop, things felt ok, more than ok. Patrick excitedly flicked through the book explaining who people were to David, telling him about historic games that were apparently important. David kept reminding him to wipe his hands before touching the book. But hearing him passionately explain the book to him- although he had no clue what most of it meant- was endearing, sweet. Patrick sounded like Patrick again.

They drove home again in what David thought was companionable silence, but by the time they got home, he realised Patrick had slipped off again. When they got into the apartment that unfurled into a whirlwind of activity.

There were a dozen little jobs he’d meant to do for months since moving in- things he wasn’t going to bother Ray for (and frankly would be more hassle than it was worth getting Ray to take care of). So today he did them all. From fixing the leaky faucet (while facetiming his dad to check he was doing it right) and reapplying the tiles that had come off with matching ones Ray had left him. He then moved on to touching up the paintwork in the bedroom, to fixing the cupboard door, to finally putting together the small under-bed storage he’d meant to do for months. When he was done he decided on a deep clean of the bathroom. David ‘helped’ and watched in equal measure.

While his hands were busy he couldn’t think too much, and even slightly sniping at David while they worked, or while David sulked- but not properly sulked - helped things feel normal. Mostly too as long as he had something to do physically, he felt lighter, clearer, more normal. He didn’t want to stop. When he picked up the cleaning bucket to head to the kitchen however David intervened.

‘I need food.’ he said, arching an eyebrow.

Patrick nodded, conceding that battle. Besides, cooking meant he was still busy. So he set about chopping vegetables instead.

David watched Patrick cook, and kept up a gentle chatter about his mom on an ill-fated commercial shoot in the Bahamas that kept Patrick entertained. Or at least listening. He saw what he was doing all afternoon, keeping his body busy so he didn’t have to stop and think. David knew it well, though his previous coping techniques skewed more towards other kinds of physical encounters. However he was willing to experiment with other techniques for Patrick.

An hour into the movie Patrick regretted agreeing to it. He knew the stupid movie was sad, he knew it made him cry, but today he felt like he was fighting something bigger than the movie. Heavy on his chest and in his throat he was fighting it, until he wasn’t any more, and it spilled over, hot heavy tears on his cheeks. He could still maybe style this out as the movie, it was after all a sad story. When he hiccuped slightly trying to steady himself he knew he couldn’t.

Patrick was crying deeply now, and not trying to hide it. He didn’t usually when they watched movies and he cried, he made fun of himself instead. But today he just sat and quietly cried, next to David, who reached over for his hand. Patrick gave him a little smile of thanks and leaned his head on David’s shoulder for a bit, still sniffing quietly. David gave his fingers a little squeeze trying to reassure him, and instead heard a soft but clear hiccup next to him. David let go of his hand and pull him under his arm. Patrick wound himself into David, eyes still on the screen sobbing softly. The sad part ended, but he softly sniffled on until the end of the movie. David rubbed his hand along Patrick’s back.

‘It’s ok, it’s a sad movie.’ David said, rubbing Patrick’s back with a hand.

Patrick sniffled a bit longer in his lap. Then sat up wiping his face.

‘Stupid, really I’ve seen that movie five times.’

He got up, went to the bathroom, and came back, finding them something else to watch. David kissed his hair and snuggled into him. Sure that Patrick was holding him a bit tighter than normal. After a while Patrick reached up and kissed him, then kissed him again.

‘You want to…’ David knitted his eyebrows, they hadn’t since Patrick’s Birthday, which was only a week and a few days, and normally wouldn’t be unusual, they weren’t exactly twenty any more, but David was aware of the days between this time.

Patrick reached up and kissed him again, deepening it this time, pulling himself up using a hand on David’s neck.

‘Yeah.’ he said quietly.

‘Ok then.’ David said.

The night of Patrick’s Birthday things had been energised, passionate, letting off some of the steam of the day. Today it was quiet, thoughtful almost. David was conscious of keeping soft, caring contact. Patrick for his part was quiet, and held on tight to David throughout, looping his arms around his neck while he kissed him. David guided them to just hands and mouths, knowing, somehow the intimacy of that was what Patrick needed. It also meant he could hold him, properly as he came, quietly, kissing David the whole time.

‘You ok?’ he checked as Patrick curled into his neck ‘I love you.’ he kissed his neck.

Patrick pulled back and gave him a soft genuine smile, kissing him lightly. ‘Yeah.’ he said quietly ‘Good.’ he kissed him again, ‘That...helped.’

David kissed him again, and again. ‘Good.’ he said softly ‘Good.’ he pulled him down into him again.

‘Love you.’ Patrick whispered, kissing him again. They kissed long and lazy for a while, David felt Patrick relax into him, his body going heavy.

‘C’mon, let’s clean up and sleep.’ David murmured into his neck.

They did so quietly, but companionably, David making sure to give soft minty kisses while they brushed their teeth. They crawled into bed and David put his hand on Patrick’s cheek, kissing him softly. He lay down and Patrick rolled into him, reversing their usual positions. David kissed his head and closed his eyes.

‘This helps too.’ Patrick said softly, finding David’s hand.

‘Good.’ David said softly, squeezing his fingers.

Monday was a quiet nothing day, where they could both pretend all was normal enough. Next to normal at least. And when it was done David didn’t even ask about coming home with Patrick, he just stuck close to his side, chatting constantly until they were home and Patrick was cooking them dinner. They could keep next to normal going a while if it helped. Until there was smoke.

‘Babe.’ David said, gesturing to the pan. It was something they’d done dozens of times. David distracted Patrick while cooking by talking at him. And Patrick rolled his eyes and got back to it.

‘It’s ruined!’ Patrick exclaimed ‘It’s burned! David!’

‘Ok, ok I’m sure it’s-’

David misherard Patrick’s ‘David’ it wasn’t a ‘I’m going to kill you or make you eat burned dinner Daivd’ it was one he rarely heard, it was Patrick upset. Patrick in fact was crying over a frying pan.

‘It’s ruined…’ he said, holding a hand over his mouth.

‘Ok, ok.’ David said, stepping up, turning the gas off. ‘Why don’t we just put this away.’ he moved the pan to the sink, moving around Patrick who had a hand over his mouth trying to quiet himself. He spun back to him, and turned him into his arms. ‘Come on, come here.’

It was stupid, he knew, dinner was ruined but it wasn’t the first time or the last he’d do that. But he also knew it wasn’t about dinner. But he couldn’t quite articulate what it was about. But everything felt hopeless suddenly, he felt hopeless, like he was messing it all up. From dinner to the frying pan to all of it...all the stuff that had been sitting on his chest like a weight all week felt like it spilled out as David held him. He hadn’t cried like this in a long long time. He’d never cried like this in front of anyone. But he buried his head in David’s sweater and cried and cried. And David just stood there and held him.

David felt Patrick sag against him as his crying slowed down. He’d not spoken, just stood there holding him, letting him get it out. Now as his crying slowed down, he brought a hand up to his hair and stroked the back of his head gently, eventually he stopped crying and wound himself around David’s waist. David rocked them slightly from side to side, not letting go just yet. Eventually, quietly he said.

‘How about we order pizza.’

Patrick laughed into him.

‘Yeah.’ he said softly, pulling back and looking at him ‘Yeah let’s get pizza.’

David made sure not to make a fuss. Instead he made Patrick order the pizza, and assembled beer and soda for them and pulled out the laptop to put something on to watch. Patrick too wasn’t keen to acknowledge it, save for pulling David into a long hug while they shuffled around the kitchen, then reaching up for a quick kiss before the buzzer went and he retrieved the pizza.

Dinner passed quietly, and David wordlessly got up and cleared away the ruined food and put the pan in to soak while Patrick was in the bathroom. Patrick came and curled himself around David again.

‘Sorry for making a fuss.’ he said.

‘I am the Mayor of making a fuss. That was not fuss.’ David declared. He leaned over and kissed him still. ‘Want to get an early night?’ he asked keeping his face neutral.

Patrick nodded and kissed him again, hand lingering on his hip a second before going to the bathroom. They curled up in bed shortly after, both reading, David keeping his leg hooked over Patrick’s, leaning into his side. Letting him be quiet for a while. He sensed Patrick was ready before he spoke, and paused his page turning waiting.

‘I’m not normally like this...when I feel like this. I just...get on with it.’ he said at last.

David nodded ‘Have you thought maybe that you have someone you can...be like this with?’ he rolled his eyes ‘Not to you know be big headed about it…’

Patrick laughed, then smiled fondly. ‘Maybe.’ he said softly ‘It’s a bit…’

‘Scary?’ David offered, and Patrick’s face crumpled again and he nodded. David deliberately didn’t pull him in for a hug, he reached for his hand instead ‘Why is it scary?’ he knew but he needed Patrick to realise it.

‘Because I have someone,’ he said at last.

David leaned up and kissed him, slowly, deeply. ‘You have someone.’ he said, kissing him lightly.

They settled back in, this time it wasn’t long before Patrick spoke again.

‘David do you remember the day we met?’

‘Is that a trick question?’ he asked, shaking his head. ‘Ok yes and no, because as we’ve established, I later smoked what I am now claiming was some very questionable pot.’ he sat up to look at him properly.

‘Oh I remember.’ Patrick smirked, then looked serious again. ‘David I felt the worst I had since that other time I told you about when we met.’

‘But you were so...you.’ David said, shaking his head. ‘You. Annoyingly so.’ he wrinkled his nose.

‘I didn’t feel me.’ Patrick shrugged ‘Did you see me around town at all before we met?’

David shook his head, he’d always assumed he was just oblivious to the man in blue shirts and straight legged denim.

‘It’s because I didn’t really go anywhere for weeks- the couple of months really- when I moved here. I went to work- which meant just going downstairs, I drove to Elmdale when Ray needed errands running, I went for runs and to the gym and...that’s it. I sat in my room reading. Except of course when Ray talked to me.’

David smiled ‘So every night.’

‘Oh every night.’ Patrick grinned ‘I know we make fun but without him I’d have had nobody.’

David nodded ‘Well then I’m glad you had Ray.’

Patrick shook his head, ‘David meeting you- and getting involved with the business- it was a light going on after all that time. I didn’t know how bad it had got until I ...well I felt something - not just whatever I was feeling for you but this….not even excitement just something at the business and I felt like my brain switched on again. Like I’d been asleep for months.’

David nodded, ‘It was sort of the same for me. When that happened, I mean the business. I mean then you obviously. But I hadn’t had anything to...look forward to.’ he shrugged, and looked down. ‘I had a panic attack. When we moved here. For days. Ted had to tell me I wasn’t dying.’ he flicked his eyes up ‘Don’t worry he didn’t give me a physical.’

Patrick smirked, and leaned in and kissed him ‘Glad to hear it.’

‘Though there was this webcam thing with some bunnies.’

‘David.’ Patrick shook his head smiling. ‘Alexis showed me the pictures.’ he winked, but kissed him again to be sure.

‘I was really lonely before you.’ David blurted out his eyes wide and soft.

‘You know what David?’ Patrick said a slight panic rising in his chest ‘I think I was really lonely before you too.’

David nodded, and held out an arm, Patrick shuffled under it and let David wrap himself around him. He’d never been like this with anyone, never been so needy, so clingy. And all at once it hit him; he’d never been able to show anyone this side of him, the side of him that hurt, that was sad, that needed someone. He reached across for David’s hand.

‘I could...never be this way with anyone else.’ he said softly, rubbing a thumb over David’s rings.

‘What helps?’ David asked, repeating his question from earlier in the week.

Patrick thought again, then nodded sitting up. ‘Keeping busy, but not so busy I go to...extremes’

‘No remodelling the bathroom then.’ David kissed his hair.’

‘No construction projects that would have Ray keep my security deposit.’ Patrick agreed, then grew thoughtful ‘Anything I can do physically- not like that- exercise, ok maybe that too.’ he smiled ‘Music helps- playing, listening to...gets me out of my head.’

‘Your head has too much to say for itself.’ David said.

‘As does yours.’ Patrick smiled, then thought again ‘Making sure I eat.’

‘Not a problem, I cannot go four horus without a meal.’ David kissed his cheek.

Patrick smiled softly, ‘Hugs.’ he smiled, ‘David? I never knew before you how much I needed hugs.’

David broke into a grin and all but threw himself at Patrick wrapping him in a tight hug.

‘I never had anyone I wanted to hug before you.’ He felt Patrick squeeze him, and he held on tight. Neither of them could fix the other, that wasn’t the point David realised. But they could get each other through it. One hug at a time.