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Andrew Minyard was a mystery. His armbands hid a world beneath them. His eyebags seemed to get darker by the day. His bright blonde hair contradicted the overall doom and gloom that surrounded him. He made Neil want to get to know him, and that, in and of itself, was dangerous, especially with who Neil’s family was.
His mother talked about running almost wistfully. Neil knew they would probably never actually go through with it, but he liked to fantasize about being a normal boy, about being able to get closer to someone than a “hi, how are you” without putting them at risk of his father’s wrath. He learned to want from afar. He got used to it over time. Watching and listening, but never really saying anything of value.
He didn’t know why Andrew was different. At first, he wasn’t. Just another guy he was partnered up with for an English project. Plus, he was an asshole to just about anyone who talked to him, including Neil. They were working on the Iliad . Something about picking out metaphors and analyzing them. Neil didn’t know. He hadn’t been paying attention when the teacher explained it and taking out the rubric from his bag sounded like too much of a hassle.
Andrew wasn’t happy to hear that not only was Neil unprepared, but he hadn’t even read the book. He went on to mutter under his breath how “no one wanted to read the classics these days” sounding more like an old man than most old men did. At that point, Neil just wrote him off as another pretentious jerk and tried not to think about how he’d have to spend at least a month and a half with him.
As the weeks went on and the weather got colder, their usual spot at a picnic bench in the park wasn’t cutting it anymore. Andrew shivered under his leather jacket, though he’d never admit that the chill got to him. He just continued flipping through his book like nothing was bothering him.
“How come you never offered to work at your place?” Andrew snapped more than asked one particularly chilly day. It was cold even for Neil, but he was bundled up in more layers than he could count, having no bad boy aesthetic to compromise, unlike the boy sitting across from him. He had to admit though, it would be nice to be somewhere the sharp wind couldn’t cut at his cheeks. Nice to be somewhere he could take off the constricting layers. His binder felt almost too tight, but he wouldn’t— couldn’t— bring Andrew back to his house.
“And hear you criticize every little thing about my room? No, thanks,” Neil shot back. “If you’re cold, we can just go to your house.”
“I’m not cold,” Andrew said, shooting him a glare that he must’ve thought intimidating, but that made Neil want to laugh. Andrew covered his hands with his slightly too long sleeves. “I’m a foster kid.”
“Are your foster parents dicks or something?”
“No,” Andrew said, but didn’t elaborate.
Neil didn’t push, instead looking across the street to the library. Andrew followed his gaze. They didn’t have to say anything, just picked up their stuff and headed for the warmth of the building.
~
Neil didn’t know why he asked. His father had gone on a business trip and wouldn’t be back for at least a week, maybe longer.
“Can I have a friend over?” The words just slipped out of his mouth.
His mother slowly took her eyes off the dish she was cooking to look at her son. “A friend?”
“A project partner,” he corrected.
“Abram,” she said, almost sadly.
Abram. It was a name he hadn’t heard in a while. Neil was the name he’d chosen when he came out as trans. His father wasn’t happy about it, but he said it worked out in the end, saying something about how he better pick out a last name too since he didn’t want the Wesninski name associated with whatever Neil was. That’s how he became Neil Josten.
Relief washed over him when his father walked away without raising his fists, though that relief was short-lived. He heard his father stomping around for a few days afterward. Neil stayed out of his way, but he still jumped every time he heard the man walk past his door.
His mom was a different story. She was gentler than Neil had ever seen her. She smoothed Neil’s hair away from his face and gave him the name Abram. Something just his mother could call him. He made it his middle name when he legally got it changed. His mother wasn’t a sentimental woman, but Neil still remembered the soft way she looked at the forms he’d filled out to officially start the process.
She said that name again when Neil didn’t say anything more. “Abram.” Her hand came up to his hair and smoothed it back, like she did all those years ago.
“Just one time,” Neil promised. “Just this once.”
She looked at him for a moment, her eyes turning sad. His mom sighed, then got up to keep working on her dish. “Only when it’s safe and only when you’re sure your father or one of his men isn’t here.”
Neil tried his best to stifle his grin, but the promise of more sparked a sort of warmth in his chest. An unfamiliar feeling. Maybe he was allowed to have this. Maybe it would be okay.
~
“This isn’t the way to the library,” Andrew said the next day.
“It isn’t,” Neil agreed.
“I don’t like surprises, Josten.”
“It’s not a surprise,” he said. “We’re going to my house.”
Andrew raised an eyebrow at him. “Decided you could tolerate me making fun of your room after all?”
A small grin spread across Neil’s face. “Something like that.”
The other boy didn’t say anything else, but Neil knew his answer wasn’t cutting it.
“My dad’s on a business trip for the week.”
Andrew accepted that with a nod and they continued the rest of their walk in silence.
~
Andrew made fun of Neil’s room the second he stepped into it.
“There’s nothing on the walls,” he said. “That’s so boring.”
Neil shrugged. “Do you have anything on your walls?”
Andrew nodded, which surprised Neil. “Just some posters I can tape up and take down easily. Cass has bulletin boards in each of the rooms so the kids can personalize them.”
“Cass is your foster mother?”
Andrew nodded, then turned his attention back to Neil’s room. He started rifling through the drawers. Neil almost told him to stop, but, oddly enough, he didn’t want to. He didn’t feel like Andrew was violating his privacy and there wasn’t anything incriminating in there anyway. When Andrew opened up his sharps container and raised an eyebrow at him, he didn’t even hesitate to tell him what it was.
“Testosterone,” he said.
Andrew took that with a nod and moved on.
They didn’t work on their project that day, getting distracted by too many things to even think about starting it. Neil didn’t care though. For the first time in his life, he felt like he had a friend. It was nice to have someone occupy the space that was usually only his. Andrew sat on his desk, despite the many other adequate seating places around the room. Neil joined him. They played on Neil’s computer for a long time. Looking things up, finding online games, watching videos they stumbled across. The conversation would shift at the slightest thought, the slightest provocation. At one point, well after the sun had set, they forgot about the computer entirely and just talked. It was the most Neil had ever heard the boy speak.
They only realized how late it was when Neil let out a yawn.
“I should go,” Andrew said. Usually, there was no emotion in his voice, but Neil swore he sounded sad. Maybe sad was too simple of an emotion for what Andrew felt. Neil couldn’t quite place it.
“You could sleep over, if you wanted,” Neil offered. That was what friends did, right? He’d heard about the people around him having sleepovers almost every week. Besides, his dad wouldn’t be home for a couple more days, so there was really no harm in it.
Andrew looked like he was debating it when he shook his head. “Why? We’re practically strangers.”
“Oh,” Neil said. “I thought…”
“What? You thought we were friends? What a joke.” He hopped off the desk and headed for the door.
“Doesn’t it get exhausting, pushing down every emotion you ever have?” Neil bit back.
Andrew paused with his hand on the handle. He kept his back to Neil as he spoke. “It’s what’s kept me alive,” he said, then left without a second glance.
~
Their meetings were tense after that day. Andrew didn’t say anything unless he had to. Neil didn’t say anything at all. They finished their project and that was that. They didn’t have to see each other outside of class anymore. Neil wanted to feel relieved, but he just felt sad. He’d never talked about anything real to anyone before. Not like he did with Andrew. All of the “hellos” and “how are yous” were worthless now. What was the point when he remembered the way Andrew didn’t flinch at his half truths? What was the point when he remembered feeling like a person for the first time in his life?
Maybe he was being overdramatic, but he didn’t care. He allowed himself to wallow in self-pity for one more day before deciding to move on. However, it was easier said than done. As he heard his father’s footsteps walk down the hall and into the separate wing of the house where his bedroom was, he couldn’t help wishing that he had Andrew to distract him from the uglier parts of his life. Not that that’s all Andrew was to him. Andrew was… he didn’t know. It wasn’t that simple.
A knock at his window made him jump ten feet in the air, effectively pulling him out of his thoughts. Though, when he saw the person perched on a worryingly thin branch on the tree that looked into his room, another spiral of thoughts made their way into his head.
“Andrew,” he said once he opened the window. “What are you doing here?”
It was like something out of a movie. The bad boy climbing through the girl’s window, though this seemed like the farthest thing from that. In the movies, the most that happened if the boy got caught was a couple of stern words or maybe even a short chase. Neil didn’t know what would happen if his father walked in on them now, but it wouldn’t be anything nearly as harmless.
Andrew didn’t answer, just stepped off the branch and onto Neil’s desk, leaving a muddy boot print behind as he got off it to plant both his feet on the floor. He looked exhausted. More exhausted than usual. There was a bruise forming under his eye, a cut on his forehead, blood under his nails.
Neil didn’t ask any questions. He got the first aid kit out of his closet and got out the stuff he needed to clean up the cut that was still bleeding. He held out a hand in silent question. When Andrew nodded, Neil got to work, going as fast as he could while still making sure nothing would get infected.
“Can I stay here?” Andrew asked after a while.
“My father. He’s…”
Andrew nodded. “Yeah.”
“He’s in with some bad people,” Neil said. More truths. “He is bad people. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Andrew looked out the window, contemplative. When he looked back at Neil, there was something different in his eyes, something that wasn’t there before. He opened his mouth and told Neil about his foster brother. It sparked a rage in him, more than he’d ever felt before. He had a hard time containing it, but he managed to calm himself enough to speak without his voice betraying him.
“Why do you stay there?”
Andrew shrugged. “Cass wants to adopt me. Drake’s joining the military once he graduates. It’s just a few more months.”
The words sound rehearsed, like Andrew repeated them over and over to himself, to convince himself to wait it out. It made Neil feel sick to his stomach.
“I’ll go. You should sleep,” Andrew said after Neil didn’t say anything for a while.
“No,” Neil reached out, stopping short of actually grabbing Andrew’s arm. “Stay. I— I’ll make sure he doesn’t find out.”
And so Andrew spent the night.
Neil woke up to a noise in his room. The sun was rising, the birds were chirping, and Andrew was already halfway out the second story window. When he noticed Neil was awake, he tapped two fingers to his temple in a salute and said, “I guess this does make us friends,” before disappearing from view.
Neil couldn’t tamp down the smile on his face even if he tried.
~
It became a routine. The sun would set, time would pass, sometimes it was a couple of hours, sometimes it was a couple of minutes, and Andrew would knock at his window. Neil always let him in quickly, never liking the look of that branch. Sometimes, Andrew had bruises, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes, Andrew brought his backpack with him, sometimes he looked like he barely had time to put on shoes.
It was strange, to have someone trust him the way Andrew did. In a way, Neil trusted him too. He was still afraid of his father finding out, but all of that fear was worth it if he got to see the smallest smile on Andrew’s face, the huff of a laugh when he found something funny.
The first time Andrew kissed him, Neil thought it would be the last.
“I found out I have a twin brother,” Andrew said one night. They were sitting on the floor, leaning against Neil’s bed. Andrew told him the story of how he found out. It was one hell of a coincidence. Neil didn’t think anything of the story at the time. He didn’t realize it was essentially a goodbye.
Andrew fiddled with his armbands. “I have to leave.”
It wasn’t even midnight. “You’re going back?”
“No, I’m not going back.”
“Did you find somewhere else to stay?”
Andrew didn’t answer. He turned to look at Neil. They were closer than normal, shoulders almost touching, faces inches apart. Andrew’s eyes flicked down to Neil’s lips. Neil’s heart rate picked up. He’d never had a crush on anyone before. He kissed one or two girls to see what the fuss was about, but no one he really liked. He didn’t know what it was like to want to kiss someone until that moment.
“I want to kiss you,” Andrew said quietly, echoing Neil’s thoughts.
“Then kiss me.”
Andrew pinned Neil’s hands to the ground and leaned in. It wasn’t a very long kiss, but Neil knew he’d never forget it. He’d never forget Andrew’s lips on his. Soft, contradicting everything else about him. He’d never forget Andrew’s eyes looking into his after they pulled apart. Neil always thought they were brown, but up close, he could see they were hazel. He’d never forget Andrew’s hands on his face for the briefest second before he fled out the window.
The next day, Neil found out Andrew got himself thrown in juvie. The day after that, his mom barged into his room with an empty duffle bag to tell him they were running. The wind was strong that day. It whipped around the trees, tearing off leaves, uplifting roots.
As he left his room for what he hoped would be the last time, the branch that led to his window broke off.
~
The air on campus was starting to chill as summer turned to fall. College was something Neil thought he’d never have to worry about, but there he was, walking around Palmetto State University, heading to his next class.
So much happened after he ran. His father eventually caught up to them. They were dragged kicking and screaming back to that wretched house. He watched as his mom died right in front of him. Neil knew he would face a similar fate. Lola carved him up with a sick grin on her face. His father only came in for the finishing act. Neil closed his eyes as he raised the axe above his head. He waited and waited but the blow never came. Instead, a gunshot sounded. The axe clattered to the floor and his father, blood dripping from his chest, collapsed.
It was his Uncle Stuart who killed him. Everything after that seemed like a blur. There were too many documents to look over, too many men in suits surrounding him, too many questions being asked. Life didn’t settle again until he was in the apartment Stuart bought for him in South Carolina. With nothing else to do, Neil got his GED and went to college.
Neil walked out of his last class, exhausted as he made his way to his car. He passed the obnoxiously orange Foxhole Court, watching as the exy players filtered out of afternoon practice.
Exy.
The sport always interested him. He always felt it’s pull, like it had its own gravity. Neil had played in casual games once or twice, but never actually joined a team. He didn’t want to leave them hanging if his mother’s plans to run away came to fruition.
Lost in thought, Neil didn’t notice the racquet on the ground until he tripped over it. He scraped his palms on the concrete, letting out a hiss as he inspected the damage.
“Maybe if you spent as much time looking ahead instead of cloud watching, you wouldn’t’ve fell,” came a familiar voice.
Neil looked up from his hands to see a short, blond man standing in front of him. His uniform was white with orange writing, the reverse of everyone else’s uniforms. His racquet was different too. Taller and wider.
“You’re a goalie,” he said.
The man crossed his arms, familiar black armbands still firmly in place, and scoffed. “Two years and that’s the first thing you say to me?”
A laugh bubbled out of Neil’s chest. “It’s just surprising.”
The corner of Andrew’s mouth twitched up the slightest bit. He grabbed hold of Neil’s chin. “What happened to your face?”
“My father,” Neil answered. “He’s dead.”
“Good,” Andrew said.
“Yeah,” Neil said. It was almost awkward, the silence that followed, but Neil wouldn’t let it be, not when he was talking to Andrew after all these years. Andrew, who he’d thought about almost every day since he left. Neil gave him the address to his apartment. Andrew rolled his eyes and walked away.
Neil’s apartment was on the second floor. There were no trees leading to any of his windows, but there was a fire escape. Neil wasn’t scared when he heard the knock. Instead, he smiled at the figure leaning against the rusted railings.
Andrew Minyard, back in his signature all black outfit, climbed through the window once Neil opened it. He took a folded up poster out of his pocket as well as a small roll of tape. He taped the poster to the wall haphazardly, then stood back to admire his work.
“The Iliad ,” Neil read.
Andrew nodded. “It’s a start to fix your boring walls.”
Neil huffed out a laugh. “I’m not as good a decorator as you. I guess you'll just have to help me.”
“I can manage that,” Andrew said.
Slowly, over time, the walls filled with stuff. Most of it was put there by Andrew, but Neil contributed every once in a while. It was always with pictures. Pictures of his new friends. Pictures of his new home. Pictures of Andrew. They’d be a nightmare to take off when he eventually moved, but as he looked at the almost full wall, he didn’t care.
Because he finally felt like a person again.