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Riki’s mom had to fight tooth and nail to get Riki accepted as a trainee. She stayed up late yelling on the phone, saying that no one will know and the only reason Riki wasn’t accepted was because if he had to be accepted, he would have to be a female trainee, and Riki was not a girl, he was a young boy, but sometimes he’d have to try harder.
Riki would cry in his room, hearing his mother yell, “he is not confused, don’t ever say that to him ever again.” Riki wanted to hear the phone calls, see what they had to say, but he was forbidden. He got into a fight with his mother about it, but she wouldn’t stand for it so Riki stopped pressing, opting to hear half of the conversations instead.
One day, Riki walked up to his mother and told her, “Maybe we should stop this, no one will accept me here.” In which she got defensively desperate,
“No, there will always be a good person, someone will accept your offer.”
It took a year for a company to finally accept him for who he is. A year of constant phone fights that left a sad aura around the house. His mother had wept, finally being able to stop the constant fights, she also wept as she would say goodbye to her only son.
“Call me if anyone harasses you, I don’t care if they’re a manager or another trainee, I will deal with them.”
“Of course, mom, I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
And they said their last goodbyes and I love yous.
He had done everything in his power to hide himself, the other trainees didn’t know that he was trans and he wanted to keep it that way. He’d wear his binder for weeks on end, ignoring the constant pain that crept through him every breath he took, move he made, he thought it was better than getting ostracised from the others. He pretended his testosterone pills were anxiety meds, it made a good get up, as he knew most of the trainees eventually will get them. He was glad he didn’t have a period; he was so happy it stopped after a year of taking them, he wouldn’t know what to do if one day he woke up surrounded in blood and having to explain how he accidentally impaled himself in his sleep.
I-land came and went with no outings of his, the worst thing that happened was him being evil-edited, he knew no staff liked him as they all knew so they tried to get rid of him, but he prevailed. He got in, becoming the youngest. He was doted on and loved; he couldn’t ask for anything else. He felt so safe, his heart was going to burst. It was always harder for him to express his emotions, even as a child he was reserved, but he’d tried his hardest, which ended up with pranks and late-night gaming sessions.
They were recording their first mini-album when the others started to notice, they hadn’t come to the conclusion, all they knew that almost if not all the staff had Riki in a very special place in their heart, in a dark corner that would never see the light of day. They didn’t see it at the start but with constant glares and out right ignoring Riki had made them aware of the issue.
“It’s fine, guys, I don’t really care about them anyways, they can do what they want,” Riki had stated one night, his eyes were down casted as he fiddled with his hands. Jake only shook his head, standing up from anger. Riki knew he wasn’t angry at him, but he wonders if he ever found out that Riki used to not be Riki, that would be the reaction.
“It’s not fine, Riki-ah, they shouldn’t treat you like that,” Jake mentioned, Riki continued to think if they would out him to them, the thought scared him so much.
“Just leave it alone, it’s nothing serious, what will you say? Stop ignoring me, they don’t care.”
“You’re literally the reason why they’ll be getting paid, they should at least care.”
Riki shook his head, they don’t get it, they never will get it. It’d never go away. He’s just lucky he made it this far.
“Can’t we do something?” Jay asked, rubbing Riki’s back, it was hunched over, Riki could rarely sit up straight. Jay thought of telling their Ceo or even just think of ways to talk to the staff, make them see sense, thought of why they were acting that way.
“This is fine, I like this,” he said, humming at the physical touch. Jay kept his hand there, feeling a second layer of cloth, he didn’t mention it, but he felt the outline of it, it was a little bit smaller than a shirt, a little bit tighter, Riki who caught on what Jay was doing, not knowing the intentions, moved away. He got up, using the excuse of being thirsty got him out of there.
Riki sighed, filling a cup up with water, watching the glass fill with the liquid. He went to his room, quickly getting changed, taking his binder off, and hiding it underneath the mattress of his bed. He wore a thick black sweater, he had gone back to the couches,
“I think I’m going to go to sleep, thanks for trying though, I appreciate it.”
The album was out, and the other members rarely left him alone with staff, afraid of what they could do to him. The stem of their hatred still unknown to them, but that hadn’t stopped them from protecting their youngest.
After a couple of weeks, one night when Riki was lying over Sunghoon, he was absent mindedly running his fingers through Riki’s hair as he was on his phone while the blonde was thinking.
“Hey, Hyung, I want to tell you something,” was he going to do it? Why would he do it, nothing good could come from it, why would he tell Sunghoon too? His best bet was Sunoo or Jake if he wanted acceptance. Did he have the want to tell Sunghoon because of the moment, the silent moment of secureness, of feeling safe within his lap?
“What’s up?” Sunghoon asked, putting his phone down, sensing a serious conversation. He looked down at the top of Riki’s head, “Is something bothering you?” He gently nudged, not wanting to force Riki into anything, but his worry had only grown the longer the silence had lasted.
“It’s,” Riki started, getting up to look at Sunghoon. Who was he kidding, he’s in Korea if he’s here, no one’s safe. “Nothing, never mind,” he had finished, going back down to lie on his lap.
“No, Riki-ah, don’t shut down, okay? Tell me,” he persuaded. He looked at Riki with so much worry and woe that Riki couldn’t let down the offer,
“It’s just the staff members are being harsh at dance practice, they aren’t even in charge of dancing, why do they think commenting on my dancing is a good idea?”
Sunghoon sighed, he didn’t understand why they disliked Riki so much, he was so nice and thoughtful and funny, he couldn’t imagine anyone hating him, “Don’t listen to them Riki-ah, you’re right, they have no idea what you’re talking about.”
It was a stupid idea anyways, thinking he could talk about him so personally and so raw would be good. His mother said that she thought they were good people, Riki couldn’t hesitate to agree but he’s afraid. Remembering the time that he told his friend and he got beat up at the back of the school, a recording made for blackmail. He couldn’t go through that again; so, he thinks, he’ll just go as far as he can.
Riki knew he’d be found out, there’d been times where someone was to walk in on him showering, the only thing keeping him a secret was a shower curtain. His time was wearing thin, it was either someone walk in on him changing or he tell them on his own terms.
Staying up past three in the morning, he got on his note’s app, inhaling harshly as he turned, he could feel his ribs breaking but he couldn’t care. He made bullet notes of how he would get all the members in one room and how they would sit down and hear him and how he’d go about it.
He got Jay first, as he was the easiest and made him sit on the couch, going to Jungwon who was lying down in bed, he was on his phone. Jake was after him, he’d usually be hard to contain but he noticed Riki’s aura and stuck to the room. Sunoo was in the shower so Riki couldn’t get to him then, Sunghoon was already there somehow, Heeseung had to been waken up. Soon they were all together in the room, Riki sitting down. They assumed it was an intervention, maybe Riki was trying to get his Nintendo switch back at nights even though he should be in bed.
When Riki took in a painful breath, his hands shaking, they knew, it was much more serious than that. Sunghoon recalled the conversation of the staff he had one day, maybe they had hit him or they’re threatening him now, different scenarios flying through his head, all of them not good.
“I’m lying to you guys,” Riki started, already mentally face palming himself, that was not the truth, and it was not on the script, “no, it’s not like that, I’d never want to lie to you guys, I’m not lying, I swear,” Riki said, already off track the train and the track nowhere to be seen.
“Riki-ah, you’re okay, just breath, yeah?” Jay had stated, not sure if he should go to the boy or stay where he was. Riki did as he was told, breathing, and trying to not break down right there in the middle of the room. He was going to expose the very thing that made everyone hate him.
“I wasn’t always a man,” Riki started, earning looks of confusion from the others, “no, I was always a man, I just have to try harder than others, I don’t know if you know about it though, it’s not talked about a lot in Asia,” Riki continued, peeling at the skin of his fingers, “but there’s a reason why all the staff hates me, why I got rejected by so many companies beforehand, I’m transgender, I was born a girl.”
There was silence, it was long and deafening. It was too long, making Riki overthink, they probably hated him, they’ll be like the rest, they’ll hit him and hurt him, but he loves them so much and the thought of them hating him made him think death was better.
“Riki-ah,” Sunghoon started, outstretching his hand, waiting for Riki to take it, the younger took it in a flash, “that isn’t a reason to hate you, and as far as I know, you’ll always be a boy, I might not call you a man, wait until you’re an adult,” he joked, making Riki smile weakly, “but I’m so glad you were brave enough to tell us this, it must have been so scary.” Sunghoon had moved some of the hair that was in front of Riki’s face, tucking it behind his ears.
“Yeah Riki-ah, never be afraid of us, we’ll treat you with fish cakes and a homemade meal,” Jay told.
Heeseung asked, “What’s transgender?”
Riki explained, like he had to with his mother and sister, “It’s where you’re born a certain gender but you don’t feel like that gender so you switch to another, there’s things such as dysphoria and it’s when you don’t think your body is the way it should be and it can get very sad, I’ve been on testosterone so my voice is deeper.”
Heeseung nodded, “And people don’t like you because of that?” Riki looked down, nodding, “That’s stupid, it’s not like you could control it, right?” Riki shook his head, looking up, was Heeseung understanding him? “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“It’s okay Hyung, I knew what I was getting into when I came here.”
It was getting later soon after, so with a bid of goodnight. He had slept with a light heart for once in his life.
In the morning, he had woken up, getting out of bed and he knew something was wrong. Jake looked at his phone and to Riki, “Look on twitter,” he just said. Riki did, his name was trending.
I can’t believe they’d let a ***** in the group
Pictures of him from the time he got beat were on show. Everyone knew. Dropping his phone, it had shattered on the ground, running to the bathroom he collapsed to the ground, he couldn’t breathe, he sobbed, voice cracking as he thrashed around. A couple of bottles of shampoo had fell, why did everyone hate him, he didn’t do anything. He should’ve never tried in the first place; he was so happy once. Once as if that could last a lifetime, if only he could pretend it was. That the stars can somehow predict his outcome.
He had hit his head with his hand repeatedly, if it were to cause him to go to another reality where he was perfect, that he didn’t have to hide. Where he felt comfortable.
“Riki-ah, usually I’d let you be, but I’m really worried you’ll hurt yourself, could you let me in?” It was Jay, he wanted to reject the offer, staying silent and pretend he didn’t exist, “I won’t say anything, I just want to make sure you aren’t hurting yourself.” Riki had caved, backing away from the door and opening it just slightly, letting Jay do the rest, he saw Riki backed away in the further corner, hiding in his knees.
“They all know,” Riki confessed through a whimper, hiding his eyes from the elder “everyone knows, they’re calling me a *****, I don’t know what I did wrong.” Riki cried, letting his thoughts out, “I should have never come here, now we all will go down, your dreams, Hyungs dreams, everyone in this group, it’ll be my fault because I couldn’t let my dream die by itself.”
Jay stayed near the door, “Riki-ah, don’t think this way, you aren’t in the wrong, they are, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to have fans if that’s what they think of trans people, I’d rather your outcome of all of us going down than have fans like that.” Riki shook his head,
“You’re lying.”
Jay denied, going to his knees, edging closer to him, “You know Hyung would never lie, right?” Riki looked up, finally meeting his eyes, “We’ll figure it out, okay?”
“I don’t want to come out to the world, Hyung, I don’t want too.”
“We’ll make it a false claim then, say it was just to defame you.”
Riki nodded, he didn’t like that idea, but he thought the other outcome was worse, so he’ll suck it up, he never wanted to be out anyways.
In a few hours, a statement was made, most people believed it, ‘an edited video’ it had been called, ‘to make it look like Ni-ki’. Although, Riki still knew the feeling he had felt when he got home that day. The betrayed look in his eyes.
He had grown quieter after that, the members knew, physically feeling pain for seeing their maknae so distraught, since then, his parents and sister had contacted him, begging him to come home, threatening to end his contract, Riki always rejected it, knowing his mother wouldn’t end the contact. This was the dream.
Riki had lurked on twitter, seeing people defend him, and people not believing the statement. He’d spend his free time on the app, the members knowing exactly what he was doing, watching him fall deeper into a hole, letting the light fade from him, the group was on an unconfirmed small hiatus, mostly for Riki’s mental health.
At night, Jake had gone up to get a glass of water, he exited the room, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes, grabbing a cup from the cabinet, turning around. He jumped out of his skin, almost dropping the skin when he noticed a figure at the couch, looking out the window. It was a clear night, the moon had shined through the doorway, barely lighting the room up. Jake noticed it was Riki after a few moments, he wasn’t doing much, a sentimental aura surrounded him, a taste of sadness mixed with something else.
Jake quietly and carefully strolled towards him, sitting down beside him, Riki didn’t even flinch, perturbing Jake further, the younger didn’t even acknowledge Jake’s presence, his eyes stayed fixed on the moon, his face staying still.
“Riki-san,” Jake started, repeating it so Riki could finally notice him. The younger turned towards him, a dazed look in his eyes, they were glossed over and too calm for the red tinted eyes, “are you okay?” He asked, as if that would persuade him to give a real answer that wasn’t hidden with half-truths.
Riki stared at him, “Am I wrong,” he asked suddenly, and Jake had an inkling of what he was talking about, hoping to God that he himself was in the wrong. Jake hadn’t said anything, couldn’t say anything making Riki continue, “should I stop being a boy, I was happier when I looked like a girl,” he confessed, looking down at his hands.
Jake quickly took the younger hands in his own, rubbing his thumb over the hand, “Don’t say that,” Jake retaliated, “never say that, you’ll be happy just as you are, it’s not your fault some people don’t like the fact, you’ll never be in the wrong, not for this.” Jake shoved Riki in his arms, his hand landing on Jake’s shoulder. Everything felt calm in the world, for once in Riki’s already damaged mind.
They fell asleep on the couch, in the morning, Riki was no longer there.
“Hyung, where’s Riki, he was just with me, what happened,” Jake panicked, tears stung in his eyes as he woke up Heeseung, the dread in Jake’s voice had made Heeseung wake up without any trouble. Jake clawed at the bedsheets, shakingly trying to take them off as he hyperventilated, “Riki’s gone, I don’t, I don’t know where he went,” Jake cried.
Heeseung stood up, racing towards Riki’s bed that laid empty, untouched, and lifeless. He looked at Sunoos’ bed, the same outcome when he noticed Riki wasn’t in those beds. He bolted through Jake’s and Jay’s room, no Riki in sight. Their commotion had woken up half of the group, all in varying amounts of worry.
Jungwon had witnessed Heeseung grab onto his hair, pulling at it from the roots when he pulled himself out of shock and pulled the hands down, “Hyung, what is it?” He breathlessly said, watching as Jake fell to the ground, curling into himself.
“Riki, he’s missing,” Heeseung cried out, Jungwon’s eyes widened, he had pulled out his phone, quickly asking the two,
“Has anyone called him?”
The two shook their heads, watching as he put the phone to his ear, they wished that Riki would answer and say he was just at the dance studio, but he never gone without someone. That’s when they heard it, a slight buzzing sound from the couch. Jungwon slowly crept over to the couch, seeing the youngest abandoned phone with the display name as ‘Jungwonnie hyung <3’
Jungwon choked on a sob, sitting down on the couch before he could collapse. Jay had put his arms around the young leader, “We’ll have to tell the company, what if he ran away?” Jungwon asked, gripping onto Riki’s phone.
“He couldn’t have run away, he left everything here, his stuffed animals, phone, money,” Jake persuaded himself and the others.
“We’ll still have to call the company, you said you were with him, did he say anything?” Heeseung said, remembering the first thing he woke up to.
Jake recalled the night before, “Fuck,” he muttered, “he was so out of it last night, I think he was dissociating.”
“He could be in danger,” Jay commented, “do you think he’d,” but he couldn’t finish the sentence, afraid that he’ll somehow manifest it to be true. The others caught on, all looking at each other, would their youngest do that, did they not do enough?
“Okay,” Jungwon said, somehow already making a plan, “he isn’t going anywhere without us, so one person will still stay back in case he comes back, and we’ll go in pairs and someone will go by themselves, we’ll split up and look for him, he’s fifteen with no money, he couldn’t have gotten too far.”
Heeseung had stayed back, Jay and Sunoo were paired, Sunghoon and Jake were together, and Jungwon had gone by himself. Jungwon continued, “We’ll text each other if we find him, which we will, I’ll call the company as well.”
Sunoo bit his nails, “Where could he be?” He begged, just wishing the blonde would appear around the corner, his stomach twisted and hurt, nothing could help it calm down.
“I don’t know, Sunoo, but he’ll turn up, I promise.”
Jake clung onto Sunghoon, “I should’ve woken up, held onto him tighter,” Jake rambled, blaming himself for what had happened. He was the last person to talk to him, he wondered if he was in the same headspace, if he was, who knows what could’ve happened to him.
“Jake, it’s not your fault, it’s not no one’s fault except for the shitty people who can’t keep their fucking mouths shut,” Sunghoon replied, hands turning into fist, he was mad at himself, for not doing enough for Riki, thinking that he would be fine.
Jay had gotten a phone call from an unknown number, his first thought was to hang up, but he had the urge to accept the call, remembering that Riki had left his at home. He raised the device to his ear, “Hello?”
“Is this uh, Jungwon?” Someone had said, and Jungwon thought it was a fan, he sighed, going to hang up but he heard, “I hope so, your friend, he’s here, he won’t come down, he told me to call this number.”
Jungwon relayed what he had just heard, “Won’t come down? What do you mean?” His heartbeat picked up, going through his throat, where was he? Was he in danger? Jungwon picked up his pace, not even knowing where he would go.
“He’s on Mapo Bridge,” Jungwon’s world shattered, the bridge famous for suicides and Riki was on it, in the worst time of his life. He quickly took out money, “Please, stay with him, don’t let him do anything, he’s so young,” Jungwon begged, getting on a bus, the man on the phone had stated, “Wasn’t planning on it.”
He prayed to something that might fail him, but it was the only thing he could do. He looked at the sign at the front, the next stop would be Mapo Bridge. His leg bounced, would he get there on time, would be too late. When the bus stopped, he raced out the door, not caring if he shoved people, the groups baby would be priority.
He sprinted to the bridge, looking for Riki, Jungwon only ran faster when he saw him, he wasn’t on the right side of the bridge, tears had fell down his cheeks, “Riki!” He yelled, hoping he heard him, that he wouldn’t do anything.
He stopped right in front of him, collecting his breath, “Riki, don’t do this, please, come home with me,” he was getting ready to catch Riki if he were to let go. His breathing shook as did his body, he didn’t want to lose Riki, he didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t wake up the next day and hear him playfully fight with Sunoo.
“Hyung, I’m scared,” Riki confessed, voice shaking, he swayed with the wind, as if he’d fall if anything were to happen.
“I know, baby, I know, just take my hand, we’ll figure this out, please, let’s just go home,” Jungwon pleaded, sucking in his breath, he held out his hand, waiting for the hand that didn’t come to him like usual. In any other situation, Riki would jump for joy to have physical content with anyone.
“I can’t, I’ll fall,” Riki looked down, making Jungwon interrupt, “Don’t look down, I’ll, I’ll come to you, okay?” Riki agreed, watching through his blurry vision, Jungwon came close to him, lightly touching his soft hands.
“I want, I want you to lean forward okay, I promise I won’t let you fall,” Jungwon instructed, he had to be the leader right now, he had to be strong, if they were both breaking down, it wouldn’t be good. Riki nodded, leaning forward, feeling Jungwon.
“Okay, let go in, 3, 2,” Jungwon stated, tightening his grip on Riki’s hand, “1,” Riki had let go, he whined, shutting his eyes tight as he felt himself fall backwards, “No, no, no, you’re safe, it’s fine, you’re fine,” Jungwon said, it felt like he was comforting the him and the younger.
The stranger noticed how Jungwon had almost fell, upper body almost across the bars, so he came up to him, “I’ll help,” he offered, taking the arm, and bringing him closer to the railing, “Don’t try to help, son, you could trip, we’ll drag you, okay?” Riki nodded, feeling himself be lifted over the rails. He could finally breath when he landed in his leader’s lap.
Jungwon huffed, hugging Riki tightly, petting his hair as they both sobbed, “Riki, don’t ever do that again, please,” he started, kissing his hair. Jungwon squeezed him, as if he would disappear if he let go.
“I won’t, hyung, I promise,” Riki swore, it was muffled as he dug his head in the elder’s black shirt.
The man who had found Riki walked up to them, “I’m glad everything worked out, do you need a ride home?” He had tears in his eyes, worried for the two boys, how the blonde came to that situation in the first place, how their relationship was, but alas, he was just a stranger and didn’t want to overstep his boundaries, so the least he could do was offer a ride.
Jungwon would’ve gotten up if not for Riki, “Thank you so much, but we can take the bus, it doesn’t take that long to get back home, you already done enough, I don’t know what would happen if,” Jungwon stopped himself, “thank you, Mr.”
The man reluctantly left, leaving the two of them alone. Jungwon had sent a message that he found Riki, “Hey baby, are you ready to go home?” Jungwon questioned, trying to move in a way that would get him to see Riki’s face. The youngest shook his head, “Why not?”
“We’ll have to have a talk,” Riki said, finally sitting up, sitting on his knees. He looked down at their intertwined hands.
“Having a talk isn’t that bad, it’ll be better for you, but we don’t have to if you’re not ready, we’ll take it at your pace, okay?” Jungwon told, “But for now, let’s just work on going home?” Riki agreed, getting up, continuing to cling onto Jungwon for support.
When they arrived at their dorm, Riki was immediately engulfed in a hug from Jake, “Riki, oh my god, I’ve been worried sick, I’m so sorry Riki,” Jake apologized, for what, Riki wasn’t sure, but he held onto Jake nonetheless.
Jungwon and Riki looked at each other, Riki hesitantly nodded his head, making Jungwon tell everyone, “We’re having a talk,” in which they all knew something had happened.
They all stared at Riki who fiddled with his hands, “I found him at Mapo Bridge,” Jungwon started, encouraging Riki to continue, Sunoo dropped a glass that splattered on the ground, Riki flinched from the sound,
“I don’t even remember going to the bridge, I don’t remember leaving the dorm, I don’t know Hyung,” he cried into his hands.
“You don’t remember?” Jay asked, carefully missing the glass to go to Riki, putting a soft hand on his knee.
“It’s like I woke up and this man was asking if he could help me, so I told him to call Jungwon Hyung.”
“We’re getting you a therapist,” Jay started, startling Riki,
“What?”
“Riki, this isn’t normal, you may have depression, a less known symptom is memory loss, it’s okay to not feel well.”
Riki spent most of the day in bed, not having the emotional energy to do anything after that, the members would take turns sleeping with him, by the time it was nightfall, Jay hesitantly woke him up, “Do you want to get dressed?”
“I’m too tired, Hyung,” he responded.
“I’ll help you, if you want?”
The boy nodded, slowly sitting up with drowsy eyes, Jay had taken his shirt off, “Should I take this off too? You aren’t supposed to wear it for long period of time,” he was talking about his binder, on one hand, he’ll see a part of him that he hated, on another side, he’ll finally be able to breath better. He nodded, wondering if Jay would struggle getting it off like he does.
With a little struggle, it was off, Jay had quickly put on a shirt, and he did the same for pants, “I hope you feel better Riki, we’re always here, don’t go through things like these alone, that’s what we’re here for.”