Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

MOD_Oracle: Alllllright, new video time you early bird subscribers, you!

Thescholongislong: New vid new vid new vid

YOGURT_god: You spoil us!

darksyde6969: all hail oracle

Hunnybun97: Ohhhh~ I’ve been looking forward to this one!

MOD_Oracle: You all know the drill by now if you share the video early outside Discord I’ll dox you ;)

darksyde6969: wut

Thescholongislong: She will

YOGURT_god: She absolutely will

darksyde6969: O_O oh fuck

darksyde6969: yes maam

MOD_Oracle: Good boy >>:3

MOD_Oracle: [video link]

[After a short title screen displaying the text, “Joker’s Kitchen,” a young man with messy dark hair and bright silver eyes smiles at the camera.  He’s standing in front of a bar made from dark wood, and a wall of labeled coffee beans.]

Joker: Hello everyone!  Welcome to Joker’s Kitchen, where we talk about food, and I proudly disappoint my parents on a daily basis.

[Joker winks at the camera.]

Joker: I thought it was time for a new debunking video.  Now you’ve probably seen videos of those beauties.

[The screen cuts to some shots of super thick fluffy looking pancakes before returning to Joker.]

Joker:  For the uninitiated, these are Souffle Pancakes!  Lots of those other shitty Youtube videos by channels like [redacted] and [redacted]-

[Joker is clearly saying names, but the sound is cut.  Text appears on the bottom of the screen.]

Text: We don’t wanna get sued- you guys know the ones :P -Oracle

Joker: -post these recipes that have been faked for the sake of getting clicks.  Never fear though, I think I’ve put together a pretty solid recipe that should be easy for you guys to replicate at home!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Thescholongislong: Oof- was Petal threatening legal action again?

MOD_Oracle: Nah

MOD_Oracle: Our lawyer said they didn’t have a leg to stand on anyway

MOD_Oracle: But we didn’t want the vids to get striked again so we bleeped ‘em

YOGURT_god: -_-” god forbid Joker call them out for fucking bleaching strawberries

Hunnybun97: ewwwww

Hunnybun97: I remember that

Hunnybun97: super gross!!

Thescholongislong: Or the hot glue on the toothbrush????

YOGURT_god: that was wild because they didnt even say *why* they were putting hot glue on the toothbrush in the first place

darksyde6969: what the fuk is wrong with pp

[Joker goes through the process of making souffle pancakes.  Recording and talking about every step.  At the end the screen cuts to some perfect looking souffle pancakes topped with butter and having syrup drizzled on top.]

Joker:  And that’s how it’s done!  Now, obviously these could be done in a pan.  But if you’re looking to make these at home without access to a box mix, then I really recommend using your oven since the temperature's going to be much more consistent and easier for you to control.

[The shot cuts to a hallway, where the camera is clearly being carried in Joker’s hand while he’s holding a plate of pancakes in the other and walking down the hallway.]

Joker:  [In voice over] But hey, now that we have some delicious looking pancakes, it’s time for our final boss!  Convincing my husband to try them.  (He loves pancakes.  He pretends he doesn’t, but we all know he’s lying, right?  Right.)

[Joker comes a closed door and opens it.  The camera itself is pointed to the ground so the inhabitant isn’t visible in the shot.

Joker:  Hooooney!~  I have food for you.

[The camera comes to rest on some legs wearing Featherman PJ pants.]

Crow: I’m working, [redacted].

Joker:  Oh shit, the last name card, you wound me Crow.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Thescholongislong: Dudddde, does J's hubby like, sound like that Akechi guy or is that just me?

Hunnybun97:  No way, the tone is all wrong!

Hunnybun97:  My Akechi-kun would never sound like that! <3

YOGURT_god:  Sure thing fangurl

darksyde6969: wtfs a akechi

Hunnybun97: O_o!

Thescholongislong:  He was a detective on the Phantom Thieves case

Thescholongislong:  Nobody’s seen him in year’s though

darksyde6969: ohhhhhh k

darksyde6969:  its a japan thing

darksyde6969: got it

YOGURT_god:  Is pretty funny to imagine him married to a rando youtuber though

Hunnybun97: NOOOOOOO!

Hunnybun97:  How dare u

Hunnybun97: Akechi’s mine! >:3

YOGURT_god:  Way funnier when you realize that Joker’s got that big PT banner behind him when he does those history vids 2

Thescholongislong: Joker is a secret PT

Thescholongislong: OH FUCK

Thescholongislong: the fanfics have been true all along

YOGURT_god:  XD XD XD

Hunnybun97:  WE DON’T SPEAK OF THOSE

darksyde6969: ….im so fucking lost right now

Thescholongislong: Lots of porny PT Leader/Akechi fanfic back in the day

darksyde6969: wtf

darksyde6969: how

darksyde6969: nobody knows jack shit about the thieves

YOGURT_god:  Creative liberties, my friend.  Creative liberties

Thescholongislong: Don’t underestimate the power of horny fangirls

Hunnybun97: FUK ALL OF YOU

Hunnybun97: Tht and all the porny fanart was EVERYWHERE FOR MONTHS

Hunnybun97: It was terribe!  I couldn’t look up anything Akechi related for ages!

Hunnybun97: PORN EVERYWHERE

Crow:  Pancakes.  You made pancakes.

Joker:  Yup!

Crow: [long suffering sigh]  I hate you.

Joker: [in singsong] No you don’t~

Crow: Oh, just give me the stupid plate.

[The camera remains pointed at the floor but the sounds of silverware against a plate are heard.]

Joker: So, what do you think?

Crow: I would eat these if you made them again.

[Text pops up at the bottom off the video.]

Joker’s Translation: He loved them!

Crow: The consistency is good, and they're very fluffy.  The stupidly expensive syrup you bought complements them well.

Joker: I told you it'd be worth it.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god:  u know-- when he’s talking like this I kinda see what you mean scholong

Thescholongislong: Right?

YOGURT_god: Most of the time crow sounds like he’s 3 seconds from pulling out someone’s spinal cord though

Thescholongislong: Oh def

Hunnybun97: All the more reason it’s definitely not him <3

Crow: [Exasperated sigh] And of course, they're cooked flawlessly, but that's on you, not whatever recipe you're experimenting with today.

Joker: [laughs] Careful honey, I'm gonna have proof of these complements on tape.

Crow:. I'm aware.  Do try to not let your head swell too much, will you?

Joker: Aww, only for you.

Crow: So what's today's gimmick?

Joker: [gasp] Gimmick?  Me?  Never!

Crow: You’d better not tell me that these have bugs in them or something.  Again.

Joker: Hey!  Cochineal is still used as a food coloring to this day, why are you blaming me?

Crow: Oh, I merely blame you for telling me a fact I would have happily gone to the grave not knowing.

Joker: [laughs] Thanks for the feedback, honey.

[The shot cuts back to the initial filming location.]

Joker: Welp, you heard the man!  My pancake recipe is Crow approved.  Make of that what you will.  That’s all for our show today.  Thanks for watching!  I hope you learned something new, or will try these for yourself (or another pancake lover in your life).

[A black and white cat jumps up on the counter and daintily sits in the middle the counter.]

Cat: MEOWR!

Joker: [laughs] And Morgana just wants to remind you to like, comment, and/or subscribe so we can continue to steal from the algorithm!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

darksyde6969: lkjsl;jl;fdjs

darksyde6969: CAT

YOGURT_god:  Morgana

YOGURT_god: cutest channel mascot ever

Hunnybun97: She’s so well trained! <3 <3

Thescholongislong: *He’s so well trained

Hunnybun97: wtf did Joker give him a girl name?

YOGURT_god: Who knows?  Maybe that was his name when Joker adopted him or something?

YOGURT_god: Shelters have to give a lot of animals names

Thescholongislong: Hella true.  I volunteer at one every week, animals end up with some weeeeeird names.  Morgana for a male cat’s like, crazy kinds of tame comparatively.

Hunnybun97: wait really?

Thescholongislong: We had a cat named Traffic Cone before

Thescholongislong: No, I’m not kidding

Joker: Oh!  Right!  And we have a Patreon!  I was finally able to get some updated equipment.  Ah, I know I wanted to get a nicer camera but my sister bullied me, so I got some new mics instead.  Let us know what you think!

[Text appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Text: Your ears are welcome. ~Oracle

Joker: But for our next big milestone we’re going to force Crow to be in a video, so you know, if that’s a motivating factor check it out.

[Joker smiles and waves at the camera.]

Joker: See you next time on Joker’s Kitchen!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: ….so, any bets that Joker didn’t tell his husband about any of that?

MOD_Oracle: Mwheheeheehe

MOD_Oracle: he totally didn’t

Thescholongislong: So if videos stop coming out we’ll know Crow’s literally murdered him

MOD_Oracle: I mean

MOD_Oracle: Wouldn’t be the first time

YOGURT_god: someday you’ve got to explain how these two function

MOD_Oracle: Fuuuu if I know, man

YOGURT_god: lol

Hunnybun97: lkjlsjdf wouldn’t be the first time????

Thescholongislong: wtf did Joker do the first time?

MOD_Oracle: Crow was so thirsty for Joker he couldn’t handle it

MOD_Oracle: He just couldn’t let that ass live

Chapter Text

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: vid up yet?

Hunnybun97: nope but yet </3

Hunnybun97: *not

Thescholongislong: I wonder what it's gonna be this year?

Thescholongislong: They're never gonna top last year's April Fool's video

Thescholongislong: Never

YOGURT_god: that lip sync on Morgana?

Thescholongislong: God tier

YOGURT_god: fucking insane

Thescholongislong: Like, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that cat was talking

Hunnybun97: i want fox to come back for an episode

Hunnybun97: eye cannnn-dy

YOGURT_god: he is like INSANELY pretty for a dude

Thescholongislong: He comes on pretty frequently, I’m sure he’ll be on again soonish

Thescholongislong: Probably

YOGURT_god: he does always seem to appreciate a good meal

YOGURT_god: when he’s not critiquing the AESTHETICS

darksyde6969: lol

LEADER_Joker:  Alright, everybody!

LEADER_Joker: it’s that most wonderful time of year again ;)

YOGURT_god: Fuuuuuuuuuu

Thescholongislong: My body is ready!

darksyde6969: woah jokers posting today

YOGURT_god: Shit

YOGURT_god: What happened to Oracle!?

MOD_Oracle: :P he wouldn’t let me post it

LEADER_Joker: Hey, it’s my birthday, so it means I get to do what I want ;)

Thescholongislong: Happy birthday!

Hunnybun97: Happy birthday Joker! <3 <3 <3

darksyde6969: ur bd is April Fool’s

darksyde6969: that’s hilarious

LEADER_Joker: [video link]

[After a short title card for “Joker’s Kitchen,” it glitches into, “Crow’s Corner” instead.  The camera fades in on an empty kitchen table.]

Crow: [in voice over] Evidently my dear husband had a stretch goal on Patreon he didn’t tell me about, and now here I am.  Yes, he’s still alive.  No, I will not be doing this again.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: oh SHIT

Thescholongislong: We did it, lads!

Thescholongislong: We fucking hit the Patreon milestone.

Hunnybun97: omg Oracle- Oracle- how did Crow respond?

MOD_Oracle: -_- it was super boring

MOD_Oracle: they talked it out like adults

MOD_Oracle: not even a threat of murder of was uttered

MOD_Oracle: you guys are getting super boring and old

LEADER_Joker: TwT I know I’m so proud

darksyde6969: boooooo

Thescholongislong: Hey, it means we get more vids, don’t complain!

Hunnybun97: So do we get a face reveal

Hunnybun97: !?!

Hunnybun97: Plz say yes

Hunnybun97: he’s gotta be eye candy

Hunnybun97: right?????

YOGURT_god: Nah

darksyde6969: def not

Thescholongislong: No way

Hunnybun97: BUT MY EYE CANDY

Crow: But let’s get on with it, shall we?  Today we’re going to make ramen.

[A packet of cheap instant stovetop ramen is thrown onto the table, but it slides clear off the other side]

Crow: Oh shit-

[The view goes blurry as the camera is knocked over]

Crow: Argh!

[The empty table is displayed again.  The same packet of ramen is thrown onto the table, but just barely slides off the other side of the table, again.]

Crow: Oh come on!

Joker: [laughs in the background]

[The empty table is displayed again.  The same packet of ramen is thrown onto the table, harder than before, but bounces up and off the table in an entirely different direction than earlier attempts.]

Crow: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Joker: [laughs hysterically in the background]

[The empty table is displayed again.  The same packet of ramen is dropped onto the table, dead center into the camera frame.]

Joker: [off camera] Woo!

Crow: (in voice over) Now, as Joker would say, it’s time for some history.   The word ‘ramen’, comes from a Mandarin Chinese word for, ‘pulled noodles’.  Up until the 1950’s it was more commonly referred to as Chinese soba in Japan.  A term that evidently still sees some use, but I don’t believe I’ve ever heard anyone use a term other than ‘ramen’ in my lifetime.

But today obviously, we will be imbibing on the instant stove top variety.  Instant ramen rose to prominence after it’s invention in 1958-

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Thescholongislong: O-o somehow he’s more wordy than I expected

MOD_Oracle: he’s always this wordy

MOD_Oracle: trust me

MOD_Oracle: just not when Joker’s interrupting him in the middle of something like he usually is

Crow: To get started we’ll need a pot and some water.

[A pot is placed into a sink and filled with water.  It cuts to being placed on a stove and an electronic burner knob being turned.]

Crow: And we wait for however long this takes to boil.

Caption: 5 minutes later…

[A handheld camera is looking down at very much not boiling pot of water.]

Crow: Why the fuck isn’t this boiling?

Joker: Uh… honey?

Crow: WHAT!?

[The camera pans up as Joker leans into frame, clicking the wrong electric burner knob off and the correct one on.]

Crow: [exasperated sigh]

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Hunnybun97: Oky- he’s gotta be hot though

Hunnybun97: if he’s this bad around the house

Hunnybun97: he’s at least gotta be hot

YOGURT_god: there’s no way he’s doing a reveal man

MOD_Oracle: much as it pains me to admit it

MOD_Oracle: I swear he’s smart

MOD_Oracle: not in the kitchen though

MOD_Oracle: total fucking moron in the kitchen

MOD_Oracle: can’t even boil water

MOD_Oracle: as you can see

LEADER_Joker: Hey!  Be nice to my husband! T^T

LEADER_Joker: He works very hard so I can stay home and be a jack ass in the kitchen all day

MOD_Oracle: No :P

Hunnybun97: I will if he shows his face <3

Caption: ANOTHER 5 minutes later…

[A handheld camera is looking down at a boiling pan of water.]

Crow:  So now we just drop the noodles in here.

[Dried noodles are dropped into the water.]

Crow: [Voice over] And then let the noodles cook, all the while as you ponder the meaning of life, your existence, and whether or not the nature of forgiveness itself is all a lie.

[The scene cuts to someone sitting on a kitchen floor in a Featherman black hoodie and jeans as they rock back and forth as foreboding music plays quietly in the background.  The hoodie’s pulled down in such a way that their face isn’t visible.]

Crow: [Voiceover, deadpan] Don’t worry, if you don’t happen to have any existential dread, store bought is fine.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

darksyde6969: was that a joke

darksyde6969: did crow just make a joke

darksyde6969: !?!

Hunnybun97: HE CAN DO THAT!?!

Thescholongislong: OK if that’s his the PJ’s weren’t an outlier

Thescholongislong: That's a special edition Featherman hoodie was like $300 a few years back

Thescholongislong: He's got to be a fan

[The music cuts and the scene returns to the pot, now with cooked noodles.]

Crow: Add the flavor packet, or don’t, if you like punishing yourself.

[A hand appears on screen, emptying a flavor packet into the boiling water, and removes the pot from the stove.  After another cut, the ramen has been poured into a bowl, and is sitting on the kitchen table slightly steaming.]

Crow: Then you would eat it, or in my case hand it off to my gremlin pseudo sister-in-law who’s been watching me make a fool of myself for the past hour and half.  And also because somebody made 3 different kinds of ramen in the last week while testing recipes.

Joker: Which incidentally, the next video will be about a variety of ramen found in different regions in Japan!

Crow: [sighs] And I will concede that the two Sapporo varieties you tried were quite good.

Joker: [laughs] You’re just mad I’m not testing a dozen kinds of sushi.

Crow: YES, actually!

Morgana: MEOWR!

Crow: See!?  Morgana agrees with me!

Joker: [laughs] Alright, alright, I can take a hint.  I’ll make sushi tomorrow.

Morgana: [purrs]

Crow: Ha, I knew you could be reasonable.

Caption: Eww, they’re kissing. ~Oracle

[A few smooching noises are heard.]

Joker: Anyway, Happy April Fool’s, everyone!  We hope you enjoyed.

Crow: And I remind you, that evidently, you fools wanted this.

Joker: Aw, it’s cause you’re so charismatic, honey!

Crow: [snorts] Doubtful.

[The camera cuts to a living room, where Joker is sitting on a couch and another man is standing behind him with his hand on Joker’s shoulder.  The other man’s head is not visible in the shot.]

Joker: Come on, you know they’re gonna ask for it.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Hunnybun97: YES YES YES YES YES

darksyde6969: oh boi

YOGURT_god: wait shit

Thescholongislong: are we actually getting a face reveal?

Thescholongislong: because if so my bets are still on the detective prince

YOGURT_god: that would be fucking hilarious

Thescholongislong: Exactly.

Hunnybun97: NO NO NO- no way- don’t even fucking say that

Hunnybun97: don’t you dareee jinx this right noow

Crow: [chuckles and comes out from behind the couch before walking towards the camera]  How unfortunate for them, then.

[The camera is picked up and aimed at Crow, revealing a very high quality replica Featherman Black mask obscuring his entire face]

Crow: [in singsong] Because absolutely not~

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Hunnybun97: ;LKJASED;KFJHGKDS.AHKL;GFHJK;LDYHRLGFHISDO;JK;RJHGOIEHRIOUHWUIHFIUWOEHAIOUFHOWESHFIOJWESHFOIHUSEDOIFHIUPSOUJHOEWIIHUJRUEFSIDHOESHISOEHFIUEBIDGUBDOEFJEIRAHEUSGSUJEPFOIHOGPXJUSFIOO;UPUJOISDZA;FDPJOIDESFSIPOJUISGEDUPGOJI;LHXFGDSOIPOJIFXIGOJDLNH;JIOJOIGLNHBJKHJIOGSDILIJPOIONDLGIPPJNLDHGS;HFJOPIL;DGSVXIPJOIL;NHX;HJDFXVL;HNJNHDGFS

darksyde6969: shit hunny’s dead

YOGURT_god: she’s imploded- we hardly knew ye

Hunnybun97: FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

Hunnybun97: OIOUHWSNR;DGFVJIOHGJRFDHIOIFGRVFBHYOHRUIJEFTODUO9JRFIDEHSDUHJRIFUEWIYHROUFSYUOIHFUEOYUHIRGUFJOHBHKGOFRFHJIBUJKJIOJUGRSFiohNDK;OSJFGDOIHNJKHSEFJODHKBNJHSFDOLIHJKBHIJSDFHJKBHIISFDOLHJKBHILJBFDISJIHBJKFESDHIHJILHJNBSFDHIJILH

Thescholongislong: Not gonna lie

Thescholongislong: I ain’t even mad

Thescholongislong: That’s sick fucking mask

MOD_Oracle: There’s totally a take without the mask too

Hunnybun97: WHAT!?!

MOD_Oracle: trust me

MOD_Oracle: It was funny

MOD_Oracle: but this is funnier

Deleted Scene

[The camera cuts to a living room, where Joker is sitting on a couch and another man is standing behind him with his hand on Joker’s shoulder.  The other man’s head is not visible in the shot.]

Joker: Come on, you know they’re gonna ask for it.

Crow: [chuckles and comes out from behind the couch before walking towards the camera]  I admit, I have wanted to say this for ages.

[The camera is picked up and aimed at Crow, revealing the former detective prince, Goro Akechi, albeit several years older.]

Crow: [Pleasantly] Hello, my name is Goro Akechi and I have never once been attracted to a woman.

Joker: [loses shit in the background]

Oracle: [loses shit off camera]

Crow: [sets camera back down] Don’t even think about using that take Futaba.

Oracle: WHAT!?  Why did you record it then!?

Crow: Catharsis.

Joker: Aw, honey, we all know you just wanted to make me laugh.

Crow: [hums] Perhaps.

Oracle: Boo!

Crow: Just remember, I know where you and your Featherman figures live.

Oracle [gasp] You wouldn’t!

Crow: Wouldn’t I?  Nowadays I treasure my anonymity, Futaba.  Should you ruin it, I promise you there will be repercussions.

Oracle: Oh, fine.  Sketchy-Kechi.

Crow: Besides, I think you might approve of my ah, solution to this.

[Rustling noises are heard off camera]

Oracle: [high pitched squeal]  OHMYGOD, is that a Featherman Black helmet!?

Crow: Yes.

Oracle: ...you absolute bastard, this is going to be magnificent.

Chapter Text

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

MOD_Oracle: alright newbs

MOD_Oracle: Ready for this?

Thescholongislong: MY BODY IS READY ╰(▔∀▔)╯

Thescholongislong: And so are my headphones- let’s do this!

darksyde6969: whats on the menu today

YOGURT_god: Priiiiiidddddeeee!

Hunnybun97: Cute rainbow deserts please! :3333

MOD_Oracle: Prepare to be disappointed

YOGURT_god: D8 what!?

Hunnybun97:  ˚‧º·(˃̣̣̥∩˂̣̣̥)‧º·˚

[After a short title screen displaying the text, “Joker’s Kitchen,” a young man with messy dark hair and bright silver eyes smiles at the camera.  He’s standing behind of a bar made from dark wood, and in front of a wall of labeled coffee beans.]

Joker: Hello everyone!  Welcome to Joker’s Kitchen, where we talk about food, and I annoy my lovely husband on a daily basis.

[Joker winks at the camera.]

Joker: Speaking of my husband- many of you know that June is pride month, but I’m afraid our big pride episode will have to wait until next week because it’s also my husband’s birthday!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: ohhhhhhhh

darksyde6969: makes total sense

Thescholongislong: Hey… wait a sec

Hunnybun97: don’tyoudare ( •̀ω•́ )σ

Thescholongislong: Wasn’t Akechi’s birthday also in June?

Hunnybun97: ˚‧º·(˃̣̣̥∩˂̣̣̥)‧º·˚why must you do this to meeee

Joker: So, as many of you who have been around the channel for any length of time may realize- Crow and I like a little competition.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

MOD_Oracle: Like?  Theyre disgusting about it.

YOGURT_god: how do you live with this?

MOD_Oracle: Relentless teasing and they bribe me with figurines

MOD_Oracle: (｀∀´)Ψ it’s surprisingly lucrative!

Joker: [grins] And Crow made the mistake of saying that no gluten free dessert was worth eating within earshot of me.  Naturally, I bet him I could make him something totally worth eating.

[Joker leans forward conspiratorially and wiggles his eyebrows.]

Joker: And while I am certainly a snack, I don’t mean me.  Now-

[He leans down and pulls a round cake out from under the bar, placing it on top.  The cake is covered in whipped cream with chocolate shavings covering the top of garnish.]

Joker: This affair is a decadent Chocolate Caramel cake, perfect for well, anyone, really, gluten free or not.

[The shot changes to a close up of the cake, which has now been sliced, revealing a dark brown interior with a liberal caramel layer between two cake layers.]

Joker:  And it’s easier than you might think!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

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YOGURT_god: SHIT

Thescholongislong:  (^w^) w

darksyde6969: oh helll yeah id eat that

Hunnybun97: **it’s so beautiful!**

YOGURT_god: Crow youre a lucky lucky bastard

MOD_Oracle: in more ways then one lol

[The shot cuts back to a long shoot of the bar.  Laid out in front of Joker are three ingredients: A jar of applesauce, a small bowl of seeds, and package labeled xanthan gum.]

Joker: After doing a bit of research, it seems that you need a few things to create a delicious gluten free cake, namely, binders, moisture, and air bubble creators.

First, let’s talk about binders.  A frequent problem with gluten free desserts is that they’re crumbly.  This crumbliness is due to the fact that gluten is what makes baked goods soft and chewy, and this is also why good gluten free bread in particular is hard to find.

[Joker gestures to the ingredients in front of him.]

Joker:  You can begin to solve this problem with any of the three ingredients below: Applesauce, chia seeds, or xanthan gum.

[Joker picks up the seeds.]

Joker: Today we’re going to utilizing the chia seeds.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

Thescholongislong: Chia pet Joker merch when?

darksyde6969: o/ i would buy 1

Hunnybun97: omg YES!

YOGURT_god: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spectacular

MOD_Oracle: thats hilarious

MOD_Oracle: Ima gonna do it and not tell him

MOD_Oracle: help us out here will you @MOD_Sophie?

MOD_Sophie: Oh, analyzing the logistics of manufacturing a chia pet modeled after Joker?

MOD_Sophie: (^^)b I can do that.

Hunnybun97: Sophie! ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊˚

YOGURT_god: you’re the best!

Joker: I choose these because I thought the nutty flavor would compliment the chocolate well, and the dark color would make the seeds harder to see.  Now, to use these you’ll need to take 1 tablespoon and soak them in ¼ cup of water.

[The camera cuts to a close up of water being poured onto the seeds.]

Joker: You could of course choose to grind the seeds as well, which wouldn’t make them stand out as much in finished product.  Unfortunately, I believe Boss might kill me if I use the coffee grinder on these babies, so they’re going to have to go in whole today.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: The elusive boss!

Hunnybun97: Is he ever going to make an appearance?

MOD_Oracle: lol

MOD_Oracle: no

MOD_Oracle: dad’s happy with just his beans and 2 customers for company :P

MOD_Oracle: (we’ve been trying but don’t hold your breath)

MOD_Oracle: he’s really stubborn

Joker: So fun fact about chia seeds!  If you soak them they’ll turn into a gel, which is exactly what we need them to do.

[The camera returns to the chia seeds which have a semi-gelatinous texture.]

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

darksyde6969: eww

YOGURT_god: dude DUDE

YOGURT_god: chia seed pudding is the freaking bomb

Joker:  Okay, so with the addition of the water, that’ll take of the extra moisture we need.  Gluten is also a component that holds liquid in recipes, making chia seeds which absorb a ton of liquid because pretty great here actually.

[Joker winks]

Joker: But I would remiss if I didn’t add our special ingredient, wouldn’t it?

[Joker picks up a freshly brewed cup of coffee and adds about half a cup to the batter.]

Joker:  After which, just leaves us with air bubble creators!

Joker: A super easy swap in this particular recipe is to use buttermilk instead of regular milk.  Vinegar or buttermilk has a chemic reaction with baking soda, which creates bubbles!

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: how the hell did he learn all this shit?

MOD_Oracle: a little bit was boss– or boss encouraged him

MOD_Oracle: I dunno he’s a weirdo who *likes* cooking

Thescholongislong: I think he’ll just do anything to impress Crow

MOD_Oracle: ^

Hunnybun97: (*/ω＼) so sweet!

MOD_Oracle: (￣x￣;)

Joker: We mix all the ingredients together like so.  Creaming the fuck out of the butter and sugar before adding the rest of the ingredients.  Oh, and just swap out the flour with a gluten free flour of your choice, we’re using oat here.

Joker:  Now let’s move onto the caramel filling!

[The camera cuts to a pan on a stove.]

Joker: We’re totally cheating.  Here’s a stupidly simple good caramel filling that takes like, 10 minutes.  All you need is a stick of butter, some sweetened condensed milk, and… caramels.  You know, the chewable ones you buy from the store.  Hard ones won’t work.  Unwrap ‘em and drop them into the pan with the rest.

[All ingredients are dumped in.]

Joker: Let these guys get all melty and friendly with each other while we get the cake baking.

[The camera cuts back to Joker behind the bar.  In front of him are two separate round chocolate cakes and a pan full of a thick caramel.]

Joker: Once the cakes and caramel mixtures have cooled off, we assemble!  First we even the cakes out, and then plop that delicious caramel filling in the middle.

[Smash cut of all the steps as Joker describes them.]

Joker: And lastly, since this cake is ridiculous dense and rich, we’re just going to frost it with whipped cream and sprinkle some chocolate on top.  Until we’re left with, ta-da!  Our final product.

[Close ups of the cake as it is slowly spinning, deliciously.]

Joker:  Now, let’s get to the fun part, taste testing!

[The camera is handheld and behind Joker as he’s walking down the hallway.]

Joker: Right, so with this being a bet it’s gotta be fucking perfect to rub it in my stupid, (beautiful) husband’s face.

Oracle: He’s gonna see this, you idiot.

Joker: It’s fine, it’ll just make him mad and like, 50x hotter.

Oracle: Ew.

Joker: ANYWAY, as such, we’re taking this test cake to the number one expert on sweets, Panther.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

darksyde6969: !!!

YOGURT_god: thank you merciful god

Thescholongislong: Wooo!

YOGURT_god: like- I love this channel I do

YOGURT_god: But holy shit Panther is just laskjdl;fjlsdxkcdjfds

YOGURT_god: so hot

darksyde6969: super hot

Thescholongislong: The goddess has returned!

MOD_Oracle: bonk bonk

MOD_Oracle: you all go to horny jail

MOD_Oracle: also she’s super gay

Thescholongislong: and yet <3

Joker: Okay, we’re here!

[The camera stops in front of an apartment door with the number blurred out.  Joker knocks on the door.  After a few seconds it opens up to reveal a gorgeous woman with pale blue eyes and platinum blonde hair pulled into fluffy pigtails.]

Panther: Joker!  Oh.  My.  God.  Is that the cake?

Joker: That’s the cake.

Panther: I don’t even need to taste it to know Crow’s fucked.

Joker: [deadpan]  Extremely regularly, yes.

Oracle: Again, EW.

Joker: [laughs] Stop making such easy comments then!

Oracle: I don’t think we’re the easy ones here, bro.

Panther: [laughs]

[The camera cuts to inside, where Joker and Panther are sitting across from each other with a coffee table between them, Panther sitting cross legged in a huge easy chair and Joker sitting on a sofa.  Joker cuts a slice of cake and hands it to Panther after plating it.]

Panther: Okay, first off this smells like, AMAZING.  Second off, usually gluten free stuff has just, awful texture, but this looks basically just like a normal cake.  Maybe a bit denser, but not overly so, so good job!

Joker: [grins] That’s what I was going for!

Panther: Moment of truth!

[Panther takes a bit of the cake.]

Panther: Oh FUCK.

Joker: I hope that was good fuck?

Panther: Oh FUCK.  Yeah, delicious!  You are not leaving this apartment with that cake, you know that right?

Oracle: [from behind the camera] Hey, I walked all the way over here, I better get a piece too!

[A cat’s tail passes in front of the camera momentarily before Morgana jumps up on the table and yowls loudly.]

Joker: It’s chocolate, so no.  I’ll make you sushi tonight, okay?

Morgana: [grumpy meowr]

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: Joker the cat whisper!

Hunnybun97: I swear it’s like Joker actually understands what kitty is saying!!! <3 <3 <3 so cuuuuuute

MOD_Oracle: nah bro we can all understand him

Hunnybun97: ????

MOD_Oracle: >;)

MOD_Oracle: trade secret

MOD_Oracle: don’t worry bout it

[The camera swaps back to the cafe from the beginning of the video]

Caption: Cake #2 (because Panther kept the other one so Joker had to make another lol)

Joker: [waves to the camera]  Hi, guys!  One more taste tester.

Caption: And we didn’t tell her it was gluten free beforehand.

[The camera pans out to show a woman with long red hair tied back with a ribbon sitting across the bar from Joker.]

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

YOGURT_god: !!!!

YOGURT_god: TWO!?!

YOGURT_god: TWO BEAUTIFUL LADIES!?

Thescholongislong: We are fucking feasting tonight yall FUCKKKK

darksyde6969: <3 <3 <3 <3

Hunnybun97: i’m gonna remember this next time hot guys are on here and you tease me :P

YOGURT_god: fair

Thescholongislong: Worth it.

darksyde6969: how does he even know an olympic gold medalist????

MOD_Oracle: high school was a wild time for all of us alright?

MOD_Oracle: shes ALSO hella gay

MOD_Oracle: sorry bois ;)

Violet: [waves] Hello again, everyone!  So what am I sampling today, Senpai?

Joker:  Chocolate Caramel Cake.

Violet: Oh?  That sound delicious!  What’s the occasion?

Joker: Crow’s birthday.

Violet: You want to make sure it’s good enough for Crow Senpai, right?  That’s so sweet! 

Joker: [attempting to keep a straight face] Mm-hm.

[Violet tries the cake]

Violet: Oh senpai!  This is SO good!  I’m sure he’ll love it.

Joker: Did you notice anything unique about the cake?

Violet: [blinks and tilts her head to the side] Was I supposed to?

Joker: So Crow and I made a bet-

Violet: [sighs and puts down her fork] Oh, Senpai… again!?

Joker: Hear me out, it was for a really good reason this time- [eyes widen as he looks up] Oh shit.

Oracle: What?

Joker: [hisses] He’s coming!

Oracle: Oh shit.

Joker: Fu-[bleep] I’m begging you as my little sister, take the cake and run upstairs.

Oracle: What, why!?

Joker: Because I do legitimately want this to be a surprise for him, okay?

[Oracle groans, grabs the cake and hoofs it upstairs, the camera bouncing around the entire time]

Oracle: [muttering] Why the fuck are these two idiots like this!?

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

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Thescholongislong:  Seriously

Thescholongislong:  are they always like this?

MOD_Oracle: they were so much worse in high school

MOD_Oracle: you have no idea

Thescholongislong:  wtf was going on in high school for you guys???

MOD_Oracle: two dumb boys playing with their knives thats what

MOD_Oracle: and guns

YOGURT_god: …figuratively, right???

MOD_Oracle: ehhhhh

[Camera cuts back to Joker at the bar with Violet.]

Joker: Sorry, about that guys!  Our bets literally a clause that if he sees it he tries it immediately.  It’s to keep me from obsessing about it for a silly amount of time.

Joker’s Kitchen Discord Channel

#new-vids Text Channel

MOD_Oracle: Joker once spent 3 months work shopping fried chicken recipes guys

MOD_Oracle: 3 MONTHS!!!!!!

MOD_Oracle: he had to be stopped!

YOGURT_god: Oh god, I remember that episode.

darksyde6969: that took him 3 months!?

MOD_Oracle: YES

MOD_Oracle: I would know

MOD_Oracle: I was LIVING it

Joker: ANYWAY!  He bet if I couldn’t do it I had to take him to a Con.  A Con I already preordered tickets for nearly 6 months ago as his birthday present!

Oracle: Uh-huh, and what do you get if you win?

Joker: I don’t know!  I don’t even care!  I just want to be able to surprise my husband!

Violet: Aww.

Oracle: You’re disgusting.

Joker:  Can it, you.  And also thank you, I know owe you a figurine for doing that for me, I’ll get back to you in a minute.  Now Violet, to get to the end of this farce, that was gluten free cake I had you try.  Crow bet me I couldn’t make an edible gluten free dessert and on a lark, and like an idiot, I decided to go all out and make it Crow’s birthday cake.  So, if you’d be so kind, may I have some feedback on it?

Violet: Oh!  Yes, it was really good, I also definitely couldn’t tell it didn’t have flour in it.

Joker: Would you eat it again?

Violet: Absolutely!  In fact, if you offer to make me a birthday cake again this year I’m going to insist on it, senpai!

Joker: Violet, you’re an angel.

Oracle:  You’d know, you’re the man who married a demon.

Joker: Ha, jokes on you, at this point in my life I’m literally incapable of shame!

[Camera cuts to the same bar but a different angle.  The view is partially blocked by coffee beans.]

Joker: [in voiceover] Verdict time!  Will the cake pass my husband’s rigorous standards?

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#new-vids Text Channel

MOD_Oracle: not too rigorous

MOD_Oracle: he married your dumb ass

Crow: I know you have proficiency in black magic but what the FUCK — how the hell is this gluten free.

Joker: Do I win?

Crow: …Yes.  Fuck you.

[Camera returns to the same scene as the opening of the video.]

Joker: [grins] As you’ve no doubt just seen I won the bet, so this cake is officially a winner.  Thanks for joining me today everyone!

[waves to the camera] Join us next time for some pride-tastic creations!

[A cat head pokes up in front of the camera]

Morgana: Meowr!

Joker: Thank you, Morgana!  Yes, please, dear viewers, like, comment, and/or subscribe so we can continue to steal more people’s hearts!  (From the Youtube algorithm!)

From the Personal Files of Ren Amamiya

[Camera is centered on a bar, looking at it from behind.  Only Joker is visible standing, looking to his left.]

[A bell jingles and footsteps are heard.]

Crow: My, my, open late tonight, aren’t we?

Joker: [laughs] I’m always open late for you, honey.

[A brown haired man steps into view briefly as he leans over the counter and gives Joker a kiss for sitting in one of the barstools and being blocked by the conveniently placed coffee beans.]

Crow: So, ready to lose?

Joker: [smiles] We’ll see.

[Joker disappears off camera right and the clinking of plates is heard.]

Joker: So how was your day?

Crow: [hums] Same old, same old.  Sae says, “hello,” by the way.

Joker: Did she say anything else?

Crow: Yes, something along the lines of, “Tell your husband he’s a miracle worker for getting Goro Akechi to take a damn vacation for a few days.”

Joker: [laughs] Well, I am something of a miracle worker.

Crow: Oh?  That remains to be seen.

Joker: Happy birthday, Goro.

[Joker walks back into frame carrying two plates, setting them down on the bar.  He leans over briefly and a faint kiss is heard.]

Crow: You sap.  Ready?

Joker: [grins and nods]

[A fork scraping over a plate is heard faintly.  It’s silent for several seconds.]

Crow: I know you have proficiency in black magic but what the FUCK — how the hell is this gluten free!?!

Joker: Do I win?

Crow: …Yes.  Fuck you.

Joker: [laughs and walks around the bar to the other side, throwing his arms around Crow] Oh thank god!

Crow: You better have video footage of making this.  I know you’re not one to lie in our rivalry but how the hell-

Joker: Oat flour, chia seeds and buttermilk, mostly.

Crow: [sighs] Madness.  Cooking remains as much a mystery to me as ever.

Joker: Do you… like it?

Crow: Yes, dammit.  This is stupidly good. [sighs] So what terrible fate have I earned for myself?

Joker: [thows his hands up] I have no idea, and I really do not care.  I just had to beat you this time.

Crow: This time?

[Joker reaches into his back pants pocket and pulls an envelope out handing it off offscreen.  The rustling of paper is heard.]

Crow: This is… two tickets to the Featherman Con?  VIP tickets!?

Joker: Yup.

Crow: But they were sold out!  Within minutes!

Joker: Yup.

Crow: [quietly] Oh.

Joker: I just really wanted to get you something good.  Especially with the channel taking off and everything over the last year.  You’ve been so supportive and- I um, even commissioned a Feather Red costume from a friend of Futaba’s.

Crow: Wait, what?

Joker: Yeah!  So we could go in cosplay together– uh, if that sounds good to you.

Crow: …You truly never cease to amaze me. [chuckles] So, are you planning on taking Feather Black or Grey Pidgeon to Feather Con?

Joker: Whichever you want.  Or both- it’s a three day event, you could wear different costumes on different days.

Crow: You are not planning on wearing the same costume for 3 days.

Joker: Of course not.  I also got a jacket to do civilian Feather Red for at least one of the days.

[Joker sits down on the stool next to Crow]

Joker: Do you… like it?

Crow: Yes, you idiot.  You didn’t need to spend so much money on me.

Joker: I wanted to.  I wanted to do something nice for you.

Crow: [sighs] Well, you’ve succeeded.  But I still owe you something for that bet, so you’d better think of something.  And I’m paying for it this time.

Joker: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m sure I’ll think of something eventually.

Crow: See that you do.  Now grab the rest of that goddamn cake and let’s go home.

Joker: Sure thing, honey.