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Prank Wars

Summary:

Jigen and Goemon try to play a prank on Lupin. He answers their call with glitter.

Notes:

So this is kind of an apology story I wrote for not delivering on my Love, Asher idea that's supposed to tie into the cliffhanger at the end of Of Poison and Mending. I wanted to post it on Friday, and I did, but I wasn't happy with it. I felt like it was rushed, and that I didn't spend enough time on elements that needed more time to breathe. People didn't really seem to like it either, which bothered me. I want that story to be good. Better than good. I want it to be mind-blowing, so I'm going to take some time, go through my notes, and write the entire thing before I post it. Hopefully it'll be out before the end of the year, but that just depends. My semester at college is over in two weeks, and I'm planning on starting work on Love, Asher once everything slows down. In the meantime, we get this. I wrote it and edited it almost completely on my phone. You ever accidentally stay up until almost 4 in the morning writing gay people? That's what I did last night. Hopefully you like it. I'm actually really happy with how it turned out. :)

Edit 11/23/21: For some reason, the version of this story I posted came with none of the formatting. I went through and fixed what I could. Sorry about that!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Hey, Lupin."

"Yes, my dear Goemon?"

Lupin leaned over a fresh stack of blueprints, his eyes scanning the pages as he flipped, folded, and memorized them. He was working on the plans for their next heist, and while he didn’t mind when one of his partners bothered him, he wished it wasn’t during the research stage. 

Goemon stood just a few feet behind him, blocking much of the light cast by the hallway door. It was currently after midnight, and even with the light on, the room was dark and shadowed.

"Jigen’s asking for you," Goemon said. 

Lupin looked back at the samurai, hanging one of his arms over the top of his desk chair. He stared up into Goemon’s face, searching for any sign of deceit. Something wasn't right. He knew this set up like he knew his partners. Normally, when Jigen needed something, he didn’t send Goemon. The only time that seemed to happen was when they were plotting against him. And he couldn't allow that now, could he? 

"Why couldn’t he come get me himself?" Lupin asked.

Goemon shrugged. "He was in the middle of something. He simply asked me to retrieve you."

"This isn’t a trick, is it?" Lupin asked. 

Goemon shook his head, looking for all the world like that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. "Why would you ask that?"

Lupin deadpanned. "Because I know you," he said. "You may think you’re slick, but I can see right through you, Goe. It’s written all over your face."

Goemon blushed, looking away as if to hide something. "It is not," he said. "There is no trick."

Lupin grinned at him. He spun his chair around, and stretched his legs as he stood up to leave. "You’re starting a very dangerous game, Mr. Samurai," he took a step toward the doorway and Goemon followed. "Pranks are my specialty, don’t you know?"

"I do not," Goemon said. "Like I said, we are not being deceitful."

"If you say so, Go-go," Lupin led the way to the living room, sure that’s where Jigen was hiding since Goemon didn’t tell him otherwise. He prepared himself for any number of assaults, thumbing the glitter bombs he’d prepared earlier this morning. He’d stashed them in his sleeves for safe keeping, intending to store them later, but they would do for this too. He didn’t know what Jigen had planned, but he did know Goemon was lying. His ears were red for God’s sake— it was a dead giveaway. He’d go along with it anyway to appease his partners. Besides, what did a few pranks hurt?

There was a flash of something yellow as Lupin opened the door. The moment he saw it, he tried to dodge out of the way, but Jigen was too fast. He was cornered between Goemon and the doorframe; leaving him with one single direction. Going right wasn’t fun since it meant his shoulder bumped the edge of the door and bounced off so he landed on the floor. The moment his back made contact, he threw one of the bombs in what he hoped would be the gunman’s direction, lobbing over the top of the couch.

Between his eyes was a small suctioned nerf dart. It popped as he pulled it off, a small red circle left to fade on his forehead. He heard the glitter bomb go off a few seconds later, as well as the anguished cries of Jigen Daisuke, covered in bright pink sparkles.

" Goddamn it , Lupin," Jigen said. He sounded angry, though Lupin knew he wasn’t. 

Lupin remained in his spot, bursting into delighted laughter the moment Jigen poked his head over the top of the couch. He was absolutely shining with color, the worst places being his face and the front of his suit. There were bright specs of pigment stuck in Jigen's beard, making him look like some kind of decoration.

He tried in vain to rub the glitter from his face and suit. It flaked off very slowly, showering Lupin in a thin layer of fairy dust. They could hear Goemon giggling from within the hallway, having taken cover the moment he saw Lupin throw the bomb over the couch. 

"You think you’re so funny," Jigen said. He continued scrubbing at the glitter wherever he could find it, but it was no use. The entire living room was as covered as he was. It was almost completely hot pink, the only clean area being behind the couch. It would take them days to get it all cleaned up. "How’d you mix glue into this?"

"Hey, you started it," Lupin said. "I got the glue in there the way I do everything else. Magic."

"Fuck you," Jigen said. "And I started it with a nerf gun. Not explosives."

"They weren’t deadly explosives," Lupin said. "Just a bit of gunpowder to give it some extra bang. Don’t start wars you can’t finish, Jiji. You should know better than anyone what tricks I have up my sleeves."

"Glitter’s not really your style," Jigen said. He paused, seeming to catch himself. "Or maybe it is."

"Glitter is totally my style," Lupin said. He sat up, and grinned at Jigen from his spot on the carpet. "It's messy, clingy, and gorgeous. Just like me~"

"I agree with the first two things," Jigen said. He grinned back at Lupin, still listening as Goemon tried to hide his laughter in the hallway. "Should we get ‘em?"

"Of course, my dear gunman. You ready?" Lupin said. Jigen nodded. 

He stood from his spot beside the couch, brushing a mixture of dust and glitter off his pants. He flicked his wrists, and held up two more glitter bombs between his fingers. He smiled at the doorway. "Oh, Goe~ "

The laughter from the hallway abruptly stopped, and both of them tiptoed as they listened for a response. 

"Don’t you dare—" he said.

Footsteps could be heard traveling down the corridor, and a moment later two more pairs pursued. Goemon shrieked the moment a toy dart hit him in the back, scrambling to open a door before Lupin could throw a bomb. He opted for cutting it down instead, deciding the house would be destroyed with the glitter anyway. Unfortunately, he was too late. The moment the wood slipped apart, an explosion went off behind him. It felt like an eternity before the glitter actually struck, the heat of the explosion and the scent of the glue being his only warning. His first priority was to protect Zantetsuken. He hugged it to his chest, and dived through the doorway as he was covered head-to-toe.

The glitter in this bomb was forest green. It left his body stiff, and his hair plastered forward to press against his cheeks. Lupin and Jigen giggled behind him as they approached, nudging his feet with their own as they did so. 

"Holy shit," Lupin said. "I'm a genius."

Goemon stood up. He glared at the both of them, trying in vain to push quickly-drying pieces of hair behind his shoulders. "This is not funny," he said. "You could have tarnished Zantetsuken."

"We didn't, did we?" Lupin asked. He was partially covered in glitter himself, his pants and dress shirt two-toned and shimmery. "You two started it, so you can't complain."

Jigen leaned against Lupin's shoulder, wiping the tears from his eyes. "The way you dived," he said. "You even cut the door."

Goemon's blush was bright and noticeable. He gripped Zantetsuken, holding it out as if to draw it. "I had no other choice," he said. "You teamed up on me."

"Alliances are easily broken," Lupin said. "There's no honor among thieves, right?"

"Right," Goemon and Jigen stared at the final glitter bomb. They seemed to look between their boss, and each other, carrying out a silent conversation.  "Ready?"

Lupin began to back away, his hands held up in front of him. "Ready for what exactly?"

Goemon and Jigen approached him shoulder-to-shoulder. They opened and closed their hands, staring at the bomb. "For us to get our revenge," Jigen said. He held up three fingers and ticked them down one-by-one. When he finished he said, "Get him!"

They pounced in unison, diving for their leader in one big arch. Lupin barely had enough time to scramble out of the way, trying and failing to get the bomb back in his sleeve so they couldn't grab it. They hit him simultaneously, and together, the three of them crashed to the ground. Jigen quickly snatched the bomb from his hand, tossing it in the air after hitting the small ignite button. 

"Wait—" Lupin tried to cover his face, but his partners held him down. They smiled at him like rabid animals, laughing as Lupin struggled. "You guys."

The glitter bomb exploded. It showered each of them in bright blue glitter, but most of all Lupin, who was painted from the top of his head to the tops of his feet. Goemon and Jigen were similarly camouflaged, colorful and glistening in the now-swinging hallway light. It looked like a glitter warzone. Like some scene out of a movie. Their wallpaper was absolutely ruined, and the hardwood floors beneath them would need to be stripped and redone completely. 

"Okay, okay. That's enough," Lupin said. "You guys win!"

They let him go, but none of them got up. Instead, they flopped onto their backs and admired their handiwork, laying with Lupin in the middle. They laughed, the sound lasting for several minutes.

"I think we need a new hideout," Jigen said, voice hitching with barely suppressed laughter. He held his hands in front of his face, picking off glitter and half-dried pieces of glue. "And showers."

"God, I pity the shower drain," Lupin said. He rubbed at his eyes, and frowned when it didn't get rid of the glitter. "I'll get us a hotel for the night if we want."

Both of them nodded. 

"And sushi," Goemon said. "I deserve it after what you tried to do to Zantetsuken."

"Look what you did to my hat," Jigen pulled off his fedora, trying his best to brush off the glitter. It didn't budge. "How am I ever going to get this off?"

"Good luck?" Lupin said. "Sorry guys, I think this means we're ruined forever. Damned to walk the Earth shimmery and noticeable. We'll never work again."

"Will this come out of my hair ?" Goemon asked. "What kind of glue did you use?"

Lupin shrugged. "Whatever was on hand. It's supposed to be fast-acting."

"If I have to cut my hair—" Goemon said. He gestured toward Zantetsuken, but made no actual effort to grab it.

Lupin nudged both of his partners. "Hey, hey. We had fun, didn't we? Let's worry about the rest later."

"But my hair—"

"I'll help you wash it out," Lupin said. He waggled his eyebrows. "The bathroom's big enough for three, you know."

Jigen sat up. He looked down at Lupin, his face deadpan. "Really? We're covered in glitter, and you're flirting?"

"Can you blame me?" Lupin asked. "It was a perfect set up. Plus, I happen to think you're both very attractive like this."

"If you're attracted to Christmas trees maybe," Jigen said. "But whatever floats your boat, I guess."

Lupin sat up to meet Jigen, and a moment later, Goemon followed suit. "I'm attracted to both of you," he threw his arms around his partners, pulling them in close. He grinned. "Covered in glitter or not."

"You're ridiculous," Goemon said. He blushed, and hid his face in Lupin's shoulder. "Absolutely pathetic."

"Aw, I love you too, Goe," Lupin said. He laughed, and slouched his shoulders happily. "Shall we?"

"Only if you promise not to plot your revenge," Jigen said. "We won that one, fair and square."

Lupin saluted the gunman, crossing his heart with his hand. "Scout's honor," he said. "Now let's go ."

They stood up in unison, still standing in the hallway as a group. They walked to the bathroom somewhat awkwardly, not willing to break their contact. It was rare for them to act on their relationship as a group, and besides a few specific situations, moments like this were few and far between. It was nice. 

"We gotta do this more often," Lupin said as he opened the bathroom door. They stepped inside, and Lupin instantly started to strip. "Especially if it ends up like this."

"Pathetic," Goemon said. He ignored the master thief, and looked at Jigen pleadingly. "I believe he's a lost cause."

Jigen laughed, the sound rich and hearty. He tugged off his soiled jacket, and watched as glitter fluttered to stain the tiles. "You know you love him," he said. "Plus, I don't think we're any better."

Goemon smiled softly. He nodded his head, and began to untie his obi. "Perhaps you are right," he said. "But maybe that's not such a bad thing."

Notes:

Thanks for reading!