Chapter Text
Meng Yao wakes in the dark. He stays still and silent, in case he wasn’t supposed to be asleep, or isn’t supposed to be awake now. He recognizes the bed, although it takes him a moment to find the context of it: there’s someone else here, and it isn’t Xichen.
He doesn’t have time to be afraid.
“If you’re awake,” Nie Mingjue says, quiet and low and like nothing Meng Yao has heard outside of his conversations with Xichen. “Xichen asked me to sit here while he went out to take care of some things. Literally here, no closer; he said you were upset about some things and he didn’t want you disturbed. By me or anyone else.”
Nie Mingjue continues, as though he knows Meng Yao dreads having to reply when he stops. Or maybe he just knows Meng Yao might try to run if he panics, and Nie Mingjue thinks that would make him look bad if Xichen asks what happened. “I’m very good at looking intimidating,” he says. “Less good at containing my curiosity, so I asked him what you’re upset about.
“He didn’t tell me, of course,” Nie Mingjue adds. “You’re awake now, aren’t you? Because I could be talking to myself; it wouldn’t be the first time. But I don’t want to ask you the same question over and over, so stop me if you’re not listening.”
Nie Mingjue is blunt and forceful and extremely intelligent. He says ridiculous things with a straight face partly because it’s funny, and partly because he laughs when other people think he doesn’t understand.
He doesn’t laugh this time.
“Do you want to back out of the wedding?” Nie Mingue asks. “It’s all right if you do. Understandable. I know it’s been a long time since Xichen first asked, and things change.”
“No,” Meng Yao says, sitting up. His voice comes out as a croak, and he’s not pleased that Nie Mingjue managed to startle a response out of him. “I love him. I want to marry him. I’m willing to marry you, if that’s how we handle this.”
“Good,” Nie Mingjue says. “Do you know I’ve never heard you say you love him? You probably tell him. And of course it makes sense; who wouldn’t love him. But it’s nice to hear; confirms your good taste.”
He’s largely invisible in the dark, which is frustrating. Meng Yao used to be able to see either of them easily, even with his low cultivation, but Nie Mingjue’s practice has been intentionally stunted. The energy thrumming through him is much less than it once was, and the light of his core is difficult to perceive.
Meng Yao wonders how well Nie Mingjue can see him, now.
“If this is about me,” Nie Mingjue is saying, “we can talk about it. Or fight about it. Try to figure something out, anyway. I love him too, and I like you. I don’t want either of you to be unhappy.”
Meng Yao can’t take this anymore. “I’m a woman,” he blurts out. He’s tired of being lied to and humored and not knowing where he stands in the middle of a sect that pretends to tolerate him. He misses Wei Sect with a growing intensity that he never expected: they’re ridiculous and loud and very foolish, stumbling through diplomacy like brashness can make up for experience, and most of what they know to do comes from other people who may or may not even know how to help them, let alone want to.
They’re also remarkably honest. Meng Yao doesn’t believe anyone is completely honest; it simply isn’t possible, since truth changes depending on context, perspective, the audience for that truth. There’s no way to account for every bias and past experience and unknown association when trying to convey information accurately.
But the tiny, fledgling Wei Sect is trying to raise more children than they have adult members. And they’re trying to do it based on a strange amalgamation of things Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian value, which is… Well, Meng Yao would have said their values were fundamentally incompatible, but it turns out that Lan Wangji doesn’t lie and Wei Wuxian can’t be quiet. Somewhere in there is a very small slice of overlap, and it repeatedly manifests as brazen honesty.
Meng Yao doesn’t know that everyone in Wei Sect likes him. But he’s relatively confident, based on close observation, that Wei Wuxian will tell him to his face if he wants Meng Yao out of the sect. Immediately.
There will be no hazing or subterfuge from Sect Leader Wei, and although it doesn’t serve him well politically, Meng Yao thinks it makes his sect an unusually safe place to hide. Everyone is allowed their secrets, but no one is allowed to deliberately hurt others with them. It’s the first rule of the sect: only teach nice people.
(Meng Yao doesn’t know whether the sect rules were originally intended to be a mockery of the Lan wall of principles. If they were, he doesn’t know if they still are. He hasn’t been able to decide whether asking will reveal him to be not a nice person, or if it will demonstrate the honesty Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are painstakingly trying to model for the children.)
He is, in this moment, very tired of secrets and second guessing. Mostly because he feels that he’s failing at them. He thinks, objectively, that this may be making him slightly paranoid. Or hysterical. Or both.
Knowing doesn’t stop it from being true, unfortunately.
“Did you say you’re a woman?” Nie Mingjue asks.
“Yes.” It’s dark, and there’s no reason to think Nie Mingjue is here to protect him. It’s more reasonable to think Nie Mingjue is here to protect others from him. Xichen wouldn’t tell him if he were under guard; this is exactly the sort of polite deception he excels at.
“I want to leave,” Meng Yao says. “Are your instructions to follow me?”
He tries to make it sound easy and unconcerned, like it could be a joke, or he could know everything Nie Mingjue was really told while he slept. (Why did he sleep? Why did he let Xichen comfort him like this? He isn’t safe here.)
“No,” Nie Mingjue says. “He asked me to sit here so no one bothered you, and so you weren’t alone when you woke up. That’s all.”
“So I can leave,” Meng Yao says, pushing the blankets back and only then feeling the piece of paper tucked into his sleeve. He holds very still, not sure if he should pull it out or push it farther back.
“Of course,” Nie Mingjue says. He doesn’t sound offended or surprised or even condescending. He just sounds neutral, like he’s answering the question Meng Yao asked, instead of whatever he thinks Meng Yao means. “Do you want some light?”
“No!” Meng Yao recoils instinctively, and there’s no reason for it. Nie Mingjue hasn’t moved. His voice is still coming from the same place it was before, and Meng Yao is fully dressed. Of course it would help to see what he’s doing.
“Yes,” he says warily, aware that he’ll have to explain his reaction but not ready to guess how until he knows what shape the question takes. Does Nie Mingjue think he’s crazy? (He feels crazy.) Does he think he’s weak? (He’s always been weak.) Does he just hope Meng Yao will get up and leave, so he can be done with this awkward assignment from Lan Xichen?
“Still yes?” Nie Mingjue asks after a moment. This time there’s amusement in his voice, but it’s gentle.
Meng Yao waits for him to do it anyway, but he doesn’t, and finally Meng Yao repeats, “Yes.”
Nie Mingjue snaps his fingers, and the room is suddenly half-lit. It’s very annoying, Meng Yao thinks, that Nie Mingjue pretends he doesn’t care about showing off. It makes his abilities look stronger and more natural than most, even now. Even in contrast to someone like Wei Wuxian, who drips power everywhere he goes but makes it look like he’s planned and staged everything he does.
(He hasn’t, which is even more infuriating. He’s exactly the kind of performer who can turn any setting into a stage at a moment’s notice. He hides how easy it is for him by flaunting everything he can do.)
“Want me to stay inside while you leave?” Nie Mingjue says mildly. “So I don’t see where you go?”
Meng Yao stares at him, lounging with dangerous casualness against one of Xichen’s bookshelves. Why he lets himself lean in the first place is a mystery. Why he looks even half that relaxed is another.
“Why would I want that?” Meng Yao asks, suspicious. He knew Nie Mingjue had been instructed to follow him. Why is he acknowledging it by pretending otherwise?
“I’m not sure you’ll believe anything I tell you,” Nie Mingjue says after a moment. “Xichen’s the one who’s good at calming people down. You can wait for him, or you can listen to me when I say you sound pretty messed up right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but all I’m trying to do is not make it worse.”
Meng Yao laughs. Of course he is. Of course he does. “What’s wrong with me,” he repeats, and this time even he knows his giggle sounds unstable. “What’s wrong with me is I told the truth. You’re right, of course. That was a mistake.”
“The truth about what?” Nie Mingjue says. Like he wasn’t even listening, didn’t believe anything he heard, or just wants to keep Meng Yao talking. Who knows what his motivation is.
“Get away from me,” Meng Yao snaps. Nie Mingjue is between him and the door, and Meng Yao isn’t foolish enough to think he can change that without help.
It occurs to him, for one wild moment, that Wei Wuxian might help him. The thought makes the world shift slightly sideways.
“Where do you want me to go,” Nie Mingjue says evenly.
Get Wei Wuxian, Meng Yao thinks. It’s such a bizarre thought that it consumes him: does he really think there’s someone who would help him?
Xichen would help him, surely.
“Get Xichen,” he says. It will distract Nie Mingjue long enough for him to disappear, at least.
“All right,” Nie Mingjue says. “Do you want me to tell him to come here, or meet you somewhere else?”
Meng Yao doesn’t ask where he is. “Here is fine,” he says. He won’t be here when they come back anyway.
“Meng Yao,” Nie Mingjue says. “I like you. I want you to be well. I’ve offered to kill people who’ve wronged you and I meant it.”
Meng Yao doesn’t believe words like that incur a debt unless others are listening. They have no meaning when they’re spoken to a like-minded audience, only when they’re thrown in the face of an enemy. Anyone can say they like him.
It doesn’t happen, of course. But it wouldn’t mean anything if it did.
“If you being a woman is important,” Nie Mingjue is saying, “tell me what to do about it. If it’s not, it’s already forgotten. If there’s something else bothering you, believe me when I say it would be my pleasure to rend or restore anything that needs it on your behalf.”
Meng Yao can’t remember if he stood up. He must have, because he’s sitting down again. He’s sure he moved at some point.
Anyone can say they would rend the world on your behalf, he tells himself.
But it doesn't happen.
Anyone could. No one does. Not even Xichen.
“I don’t know what to do,” he hears himself say. Like it’s someone else talking. He doesn’t know why the words are so clear, why they sound calm and detached.
Nie Mingjue doesn’t shrug, but he gives the impression of it in his tone. “Neither do I.”
Meng Yao can’t feel himself breathing, so he takes a breath, and Nie Mingjue doesn’t say anything. It’s… not alarming.
Meng Yao takes another breath. “I’m a woman,” he says. He doesn’t know why he can’t stop saying it, now that he’s started. He’s suppressed those words his entire life, making them as untrue as he possibly could.
“I like women,” Nie Mingjue says. Neutrally? Is it possible to react neutrally to such a statement?
Objectively speaking, he supposes, it’s a neutral statement. At least in isolation. In the context of his life… he doesn’t know what it means now that he’s told someone. He’s told two people. Does that make it more true? Does that make it matter?
Does he want it to?
He thinks, I like men, but he says, “Many people like women.”
Nie Mingjue doesn’t answer right away, and Meng Yao wonders what it means that he’s thinking about his reply. “Is that important?” he asks at last.
Yes, Meng Yao thinks. He can’t think of a reason not to say it, except that when he tries to think of what to say next it seems easier to breathe instead. He doesn’t want to be liked like that? It’s dangerous to be an unattached woman?
“I’m alone,” he says, before he knows what it will sound like. Then he doesn’t know if he should try again, or if it’s so obvious that more information will only make him sound weaker. “My mother was alone.”
He shouldn’t have said that.
Nie Mingjue is quiet again, and this time when Meng Yao breathes he remembers that he can still leave. Nie Mingjue says he won’t stop him. Lan Sect doesn’t like him, but they haven’t attacked him.
(Wei Wuxian is here in Cloud Recesses. If they try. He hates that this makes him feel more comfortable.)
“You’ve made your way alone,” Nie Mingjue says at last. “I don’t doubt you could do it as a woman.”
“Now,” Meng Yao agrees grimly. “Knowing what I do.”
“Every child has challenges,” Mingjue says. “Growing up makes us more capable, regardless of the face we show to the world.”
For a moment, Meng Yao considers it. He’s a woman. What if he told everyone? What if he made them see him? What if he didn’t tell anyone and just… was? The girl his mother hid, educated, and ultimately freed from the brothel she was born to?
Can he still be the person he’s been all along? Will the cultivating world recognize him if he can’t? Who is he, if not Meng Yao?
“They’d throw me out,” he mutters. It’s hard to see, and he doesn’t want to think about how much he’s cried today. He’s certainly accomplishing his goal of not appearing to be a threat.
“Who would throw you out?” Nie Mingjue asks, noticeably quieter but not overtly concerned. Just… neutral. Like he heard the words and didn’t notice any of the context around them. “Wei Sect?”
Meng Yao smiles, and maybe he doesn’t feel completely at war with himself right now. “Doubtful,” he says. But Nie Mingjue asked, so he counters, “Nie Sect?”
He doesn’t know why Nie Mingjue needs to think about this, but he seems surprised when he says, “Would Nie Sect throw you out?”
Meng Yao thinks the question was clear, but he nods once.
Nie Mingjue stares at him. “Do we disallow women?”
He doesn’t feel bold so much as he feels uncaring. “You hassled Huaisang,” he says. “You still hassle him.”
Nie Mingjue scoffs. “Not relevant. He’s my brother; I’m entitled. It’s actually my job to make his life harder, though clearly I’ve taken it too far these last few years.”
“Lan Sect, then,” Meng Yao challenges.
Nie Mingjue looks at him skeptically. “They don’t even separate their disciples anymore. Who do you think would throw you out, Meng Yao?”
Everyone, he thinks. “Everyone I’ve lied to,” he says.
Disconcertingly, this is what makes Nie Mingjue nod. “It’s no small thing to ask others to accept something we never let them know before. But this isn’t a betrayal of trust. It’s new information, and your friends are capable of considering it with the same good judgment they showed in accepting you to begin with.”
“My friends,” Meng Yao repeats.
“Everyone has friends,” Nie Mingjue tells him. “Whether you acknowledge them or not, there are people who support you and enjoy your company. If that changes because they learn more about you, then you’ve learned more about them too. You have as much right to reconsider as they do.”
Meng Yao studies him openly now. “Are you my friend?” he asks. It’s as much a challenge as anything.
Nie Mingjue scoffs. “Who are you, Wangji? Of course I’m your friend. I support you, man or woman or both. Or neither. I just have one question.”
Meng Yao raises his eyebrows.
“Is this what Xichen said was upsetting you, but wouldn’t tell me about?” Nie Mingjue wants to know. “Because if there’s something else, I’m duly impressed by how far you’ve gone to avoid it.”
Meng Yao considers this, and finds he’s able to. He’s able to think reasonably about Nie Mingjue’s question, and he can feel himself breathing again. Only when he pays attention, but it’s there. It’s noticeable. Not so shallow he feels frozen.
“This is it,” he says at last. “I have a question too.”
“Please,” Nie Mingjue says.
“Why didn’t you say I’m not alone?” Meng Yao can keep his voice steady, his tone even, and it would be a relief if he had time to pay attention. If he isn’t going to collapse under the weight of shame and fear, then there’s a lot of work to do yet.
“When I said it’s important because I’m alone,” he adds. “You said I could make it alone. Not that I’m not… alone.”
Nie Mingjue does shrug, this time. “You’re the only one who can decide whether you’re alone or not.”
Meng Yao looks at him in the half-light for a long time, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t go away.