Chapter Text
“I assume, Loki, that you know why we’ve summoned you here today.”
Staring back at the stern faces of his parents, seated like judgmental idols on golden thrones, Loki neither immediately confirmed nor denied that statement. As it just so happened, he could think of at least nineteen reprimand-worthy incidents in recent memory for which he was directly responsible. But since he had no idea which one or ones they knew about, and didn’t want to incriminate himself further…
Shrugging, he did his best to look wide-eyed and innocent.
“Are you sure?” Frigga asked. “You have no idea why we might want to speak with you?”
Well. It might be about the thing with those two dozen elven dancers. Or the other thing with the fire spiders. Or the recent lie about a spell that turned walnuts into solid gold. Or maybe this was even about the Cursed Hat of Forgetfulness he gave Hogun.
“I’m sorry,” said Loki. “I have simply no idea what you think I might have done.”
Frigga and Odin exchanged a Look. “You don’t recall anything unpleasant you may have done to your brother?” asked Odin.
On the contrary. Loki recalled several unpleasant things he had done to Thor. At least five in the past few days alone. That really didn’t narrow the accusation down enough.
“No.”
“So if we were to ask you about the mysterious appearance of magic portal spewing copious amounts of sentient purple ooze in the middle of Thor’s bedroom, you would profess your innocence?”
Oh. That. “Of course,” Loki replied, trying to appear wounded at the very thought. “That was entirely Thor’s fault.”
Leaning forward, Odin narrowed his single eye. “How could a magic ooze portal possibly be Thor’s fault?”
“Well,” said Loki, “Thor made a completely false claim that brute strength and weapons prowess would always be superior to magical abilities in every possible scenario. I felt it was my duty as a responsible sibling to educate him. The fact that he tried to punch the ooze and got himself stuck in it and was nearly pulled into the Dimension of Timeless Horrors has nothing to do with me.”
“He almost lost an arm!” Frigga exclaimed.
“Arms can be reattached,” Loki sighed. “Also, if I may remind you that he was the one foolish enough to try punching inter-dimensional magic ooze in the first place…”
“And what was he supposed to do?” asked Odin. “Allow it to envelop his entire bed?”
“He could have started with apologizing to me and admitting he had been wrong, and asking me to close the portal. Had he asked nicely, I would have done so.” Eventually. Probably. “This whole situation could have been avoided if only Thor had any manners.”
“Or if only you knew your place,” Odin grumbled.
Frigga nodded. “I agree. Thor may have spoken crudely, but you, Loki, had no right to endanger his life over so small an insult. In the past we have always allowed you and Thor to resolve your differences in whatever manner the two of you saw fit. This time you went too far. Thor has still not regained use of his hand.”
“Fine, fine,” said Loki, letting his shoulders sag in defeat and trying his best to put on a miserable expression, even though that was difficult with the mental picture of Thor struggling to free his fist from the ooze playing on repeat in his head. “I admit I may have somewhat overreacted. Thor did not deserve the Dimension of Timeless Horrors. I should have just conjured more fire spiders.”
“What do you mean by more-” Frigga began to ask, but Loki kept going.
“I will apologize to Thor. Is he still in the Healers’ Sanctuary? I will apologize, and I promise never to take such drastic measures in the future, and to give better thought to my actions.”
That sounded like the sort of trite nonsense Frigga and Odin typically wanted to hear. But this time, instead of gravely nodding and thanking Loki for his repentance while admonishing him not to do it again, they both looked unconvinced.
“I’m sorry, Loki, but that’s simply not good enough,” Odin told him. “Time and time again you’ve stood before us to answer for something you’ve done, and time and time again you’ve claimed to feel remorse only to find yourself in trouble again days later.”
“Your father is right,” added Frigga. “This past year alone we’ve had to speak to you about cursing Thor with a tooth-softening spell, filling his bathing room with invisible bees, hypnotizing him to fall asleep on the spot any time anyone sneezed, giving one of his boots a digestive system, replacing Mjölnir with a goblin under a mimic spell, trapping him in an enchanted collar that turned all his speech into mindless screaming, and convincing him to seduce an ogre-witch in order to win back his sense of smell that you tricked him into thinking she had stolen.”
Loki had to clench his jaw to stop himself from smiling at all those fond memories. “In all fairness, after promising never to do those things again, I never did any of those specific things again.”
“Yes, and you always manage to worm your way out of trouble with insincere apologies and hole-filled vows of better behavior,” Odin growled. “And you never learn your lesson. That needs to change.”
“Indeed,” Frigga added. “Therefore, we have determined that in order to earn forgiveness this time, you must prove that you are capable of good behavior. As payment for your misdeeds, you must commit one entirely selfless act for the benefit of another. Something helpful. Something kind.”
Loki felt an uncomfortably ominous sensation slide down his back, making him squirm. “An entirely selfless act,” he repeated back.
“Yes,” Odin confirmed.
“Can’t I just go to prison instead?”
“No,” both parents replied in unison.
“Can I pay somebody else to do the selfless act for me?”
“No,” said Frigga. “This must be done by you.”
Biting down on his tongue, Loki tried not to look too frustrated. One selfless act. Annoying, but not impossible. He could always magic a cat out of a tree or something.
“And an act is not selfless if you do it only for the purpose of fulfilling your duty of penance,” Frigga added.
“Fine, yes.” This was getting ridiculous, but what choice did he have? He’d find his way out of it. Somehow. How hard could it be? Also, they didn’t specify when the selfless act had to be done. There was nothing stopping him from taking three hundred years to complete it.
As if reading his mind, Odin spoke up in a voice that sounded very much like it was about to tack a horrible condition onto the punishment. “And there is one more thing.”
“Yes?” Loki prompted when Odin took too long of an indulgent pause. There was a disturbingly satisfied smirk on Odin’s face, and Loki didn’t like it one bit. Whatever Odin was about to say next could only be even worse news.
“In order to truly show remorse for your actions,” Odin eventually said, “you will be banished from Asgard until the deed is complete.”
And in that moment, for the first time in his life, Loki did feel real, true, deeply piercing and all-encompassing remorse. Not for his actions, of course: it was entirely to do with the fact that he had been caught and now had to bear the resulting punishment. But he felt it nonetheless, very acutely, as he was dragged off to the Bifrost and unceremoniously flung to a destination that was known in polite circles as ‘the armpit of the universe’, and in impolite circles as something much worse.
Midgard.