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Jeremy was used to helping Jean with his sensory overload, but he was not used to it being the other way around. He had gotten good at managing the noises that were always around him, but Jean, coming from the quiet of the Nest, hadn’t. He didn’t know the tricks that Jeremy picked up in his time at USC, though he was more than happy to learn them. Jeremy even bought him noise cancelling headphones to match his own. They seemed to be working well enough.
While the noises still bothered Jeremy on occasion, popping on his headphones always seemed to do the trick. That is, until he lost them. He searched and searched as the muffled words of his next door neighbors grated on his skin, deeper and deeper until he couldn’t stand the task of searching anymore.
He dropped to the kitchen floor, putting his hands over his ears, concentrating on his breathing, on unwinding the tightness that had grown in his chest. It was always so painful whenever it happened. Jeremy forgot just how painful it could be when he was frozen in place, unable to move because even moving would be too much.
Breathe, Jeremy. Just breathe.
He breathed. In for six seconds, hold for four seconds, out for six seconds. He tried, he tried , but nothing was working. Not the cold from the kitchen floor, not the breathing exercise. He could feel the panic rise. He could feel the frustration grow. The thought: why am I like this? running through his head on a loop.
Jeremy had gotten better at reworking that particular thought with his therapist. He knew that it wasn’t his fault, that his mind was just wired differently. Jean’s was too and he didn’t look at Jean with any disdain, didn’t ask himself why is Jean like that? So, why did he ask himself that?
Though, some days, rewiring that thought wasn’t enough. It just kept cropping up, overwhelming him even more. There was no way he could get rid of it, no way he could focus enough to even try when all he could think was stop stop stop.
“Jeremy?”
Jean .
Jeremy looked up from his position on the floor, hands still firmly pressed over his ears. He wondered if this was how Jean felt every time Jeremy caught him in this same position. Did he feel as embarrassed as Jeremy did? As inadequate?
Bad thoughts.
“I…” Jeremy started, but his voice was shaky. He cleared his throat and started over. “I can’t find my headphones,” he said. His voice still shook a bit, but at least it didn’t break the dam holding back a sob.
Jean nodded and left. He probably felt awkward. It was okay. Jeremy didn’t expect Jean to help him. Usually, he could deal with it himself. He would deal with it himself. No one else had to disrupt their day for him. He didn’t want to be a burden.
Then, Jean appeared in his line of view again, headphones in hand. He knew they were Jean’s since they were a soft blue, not the red ones Jeremy usually wore. Jean crouched in front of him, reaching out to gently take Jeremy’s hands away from his ears. When he did, Jeremy could still hear the muffled words. Someone was having a get together, he guessed. If it was a party, Jeremy could’ve handled it. He hated the quiet sounds he couldn’t make out, much preferring loud, clear words or bumping music.
Before the sound could overwhelm him even more, Jean put his headphone over Jeremy’s ears. Jeremy finally let his hands drop completely, realizing how tired they were from how hard he had been pressing. Jean’s soft hand trailed down Jeremy’s face. Jeremy let out a breath and slumped his body against the wall. He was exhausted.
They sat in silence for a moment, Jeremy with his eyes closed, his hand wrapping around Jean’s from where it cupped his cheek. The tightness in his chest loosened. That pain subsided. He was glad that Jean had found him when he did.
“Sorry,” he said weakly.
“Why would you be sorry?” Jean’s voice was quiet through the headphones. “You have always helped me when I get like this.”
“I- I know, but…”
“No, no buts,” Jean said. He got to his feet before helping Jeremy up. “It happens sometimes. You don’t need to be sorry.”
Jeremy sighed. Instead of arguing, he let Jean lead him to their bedroom. They sat down on Jean’s bed, window open. The autumn breeze cooled off his skin, the setting sun spilling golden light over them. Jean, after getting silent confirmation that Jeremy was okay with it, wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. He placed a kiss to Jeremy’s forehead before gently guiding Jeremy’s head to his shoulder. It was a little uncomfortable with the headphones on, but Jeremy didn’t care. He could feel all his stress being drained away as his eyes fell closed.
Maybe being taken care of wasn’t so bad.