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"Fine!" Suga yelled back, throwing his hands up in the air. "You want to know the truth? It's always been Daichi. I've been in love with him for years and I thought I would get over him because I was dating you but I didn't, I hated having to date you because I knew it wouldn't end well for you."
"And yet you kept it up for almost a year well i am sorry for not reacting in a positive way! Maybe I should congratulate you! let's go to a bar to celebrate! Let's tell your parents. Does your mum know? She was like a mother to me too."
"Yes mum knew, she wanted me to be happy."
"Of course, don't we all? Because who doesn't want to give the Suga what he wants no matter who he has to hurt in the process, am I right?" Semi wasn't even sure about the words coming from their mouth, they weren't thinking, just talking and they'd hate themself for that but they were pretty sure their self hatred was at an all time high. "I loved you Suga and you strung me along."
"You're being a child Semi."
"I'm being a child? I'm being a child? Not you who couldn't tell me that you were unhappy? Who couldn't tell me how fucking annoying I am?"
"You know what Semi? Yes you are annoying sometimes. There's always something with you something wrong - you've been replaced on the team? So have I! You're non-binary? Get over it! You're so inconvenient all of the time."
"Suga was right, you are annoying! We're done Eita, we are done."
"Kenjirou, wait, please."
Semi woke in a cold sweat, their breathing laboured, the nightmare still shaking through their bones.
Blindly, they reached out to the other side of the bed, looking for their main source of comfort just to feel the cold bedsheets instead, Shirabu wasn't there. The nightmare nausea increased tenfold.
Shirabu wasn't there.
He hadn't come home.
He'd left them. Just like the nightmare had said, everyone had left them and hadn't even told them that they were leaving, they had just left without them. Their parents always told them that this was going to happen, that eventually everyone was going to tire of them and get bored of them. Suga had told them this when he broke up with them. Everyone was going to leave them because they're annoying and nobody wants to put up with all of their problems.
Semi tried to push away the tears that were gathering at the corners of their eyes and got out of bed. They grabbed their "dysphoria hoodie" that was actually one of Ushijima's, he'd left it in their dorm once in high school and it still fit Semi perfectly so they still used it when their dysphoria was really bad like it was today.
The hope inside of them that Shirabu might have just slept in the front room so they didn't wake Semi quickly disappeared when they were greeted with an empty room.
They finally let some tears fall down their cheeks, watching their reflection in the TV reflected via the Christmas Lights the two of them had set up earlier in the week.
Semi sighed softly, grabbing their phone to see if they could get through to Shirabu. They glanced at the clock, the darkness outside not reflecting the fact it was coming up towards nine in the morning, meaning they had to leave in around an hour for band practice, tour was coming up just around the corner in January and Semi didn't know how they felt about it, part of them was excited of course, they loved being in the band and touring the country but apart of them didn't want to go, didn't want to leave Shirabu, didn't feel like they had the energy.
"Eita?"
"Kenji," Semi breathed, feeling the relief crash into them at the fact Shirabu had answered, he hadn't left him completely.
"I'm sorry Eita, there's an emergency, I can't talk right now!" Semi didn't even get to say goodbye before the line went dead. Their hope shattered in their chest along with their heart as they walked back into their room and laid face first down on the bed.
"Sorry, can't make it to practice today, don't feel well." Semi sent the text quickly before letting themself fall back to sleep.
Three days later and Semi could count the amount of times they'd left their bedroom on one hand. They'd seen Shirabu twice in those three days and both of them were for two minutes per time before Shirabu had gone to sleep and by the time Semi woke up, he was gone again. They knew they shouldn't blame Shirabu and they didn't, they knew it was always busiest at the hospital around Christmas for some reason but they couldn't help the loneliness and hurt that was filling their bones, it was starting to feel like he was avoiding Semi on purpose even though they knew that wasn't true but they'd had the same nightmare four nights in a row and it was engrained in them.
It wasn't just Shirabu.
They'd tried texting Tendou, Ushijima, Reon and even Goshiki and all of them had constantly told them that they were too busy to hang out with them.
It was starting to feel like their entire world was slowly caving in around them.
Nobody wanted them.
Nobody liked them anymore.
Everyone had reached their end with them and were now slowly leaving their life.
In a moment of weakness, they almost text Suga.
They stopped themself before they could, instead they screamed out into their pillow.
Semi felt like they were very aware that the days were passing. They knew that the daylight was changing every few hours, knew that they were still breathing but it was beginning to feel like they weren't. They hadn't left the house since the first of December and it was the ninth. They'd cancelled band practice everyday even though they knew tour was getting closer, they'd stopped reaching out to their friends because it was obviously they didn't want to see them and they'd seen Shirabu only three or four times in that time too.
It felt like life had stopped for them.
And nobody had even noticed how much they were struggling with everything which made everything feel a hundred times worse. Not that they had told anyone how much they were struggling because they didn't want to bother anyone, didn't want to push anyone further away from them.
They were drowning and never coming back up for air.
Semi was just on the brink of falling asleep again when the door was thrown open, they didn't move, knowing that it was Shirabu, probably coming to just sleep for a few hours before going back to work so they kept their eyes shut, listening to Shirabu's footsteps as the door slammed closed again. But, they weren't going to the bedroom, they were coming towards them.
Their eyes blinked open to be met with Shirabu kneeling in front of them, a look of pure panic in his eyes as he stared at his partner.
"Eita," Shirabu breathed, reaching his hand out to touch Semi's cheek gently. Semi flinched away for a second before letting his hand reach their cheek, immediately feeling a little more relaxed than they had. "Oh God, Eita, I am so sorry."
"W-What?" Semi asked, confused about what Shirabu could have possibly done whilst at work.
"I got a text from your guitarist to tell me you've cancelled band practice for the last week and a bit and then I got a text from Tendou asking if you were okay because he told me that you hadn't replied to his text yesterday and that you'd been trying to meet with him but he'd had to keep telling you he was busy because he's trying to find a shop for coming back to Japan and now he's worried that you're struggling and I haven't been here and I'm just so sorry," Shirabu rushed out all at once, staying silent for a few seconds so Semi could process what he was saying.
"I'm sorry," Semi whispered, the tears that had been waiting to fall for the last two days finally falling down their cheeks. "I'm sorry I'm struggling, I'm sorry I'm such a burden, I'm sorry I'm so annoying and that all of you want to leave me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Semi kept repeating until Shirabu jumped forward and wrapped his arms around them and pulled them towards him.
Semi sank into his arms, letting out loud sobs as Shirabu rubbed their back, whispering soft reassurances.
"Don't apologise Eita, none of this is your fault, I promise nothing is your fault." Shirabu said, pulling away from the hug briefly to wipe away some of Semi's tears. "I'm so sorry that I haven't been here, that's my fault, I keep taking on extra hours without considering how you would feel about that and then I've been sleeping at work and not coming home. I promise you, nobody is leaving you or pulling away. You are not annoying and not a burden, you never will be. All of us love you so, so much and I promise you even though it doesn't feel like it now, everything is going to be okay." Shirabu said, pressing a soft kiss to Semi's forehead, resting a hand in their hair.
"I'm sorry I made you come home from work," Semi sniffled, resting his face in the crook of Shirabu's neck.
"No, don't apologise for that either. I dropped everything as soon as I saw that text because it made me realise how crappy I've been recently and my manager has given me two days off because I've been working a lot obviously and you need me and that's the most important thing to me. If you need me please don't hesitate to tell me, I know you tried to ring me a couple of times and I'm so sorry about that but I'm here now I promise."
"You're not angry?"
"Of course not, I promise." Shirabu assured them. "How much have you been sleeping?" Shirabu asked, wiping a thumb across the bags under Semi's eyes. He knew that his were just as bad but had a feeling Semi had been sleeping even less than he had. If there was one person he knew better than anyone, it was his partner.
"I haven't, I've been having this reoccurring nightmare. It s-starts when Suga was telling me how annoying and useless I am when we broke up and then it switches to you telling me that Suga was right and you were leaving me too, it's happened every time I've gone to sleep since the first day you slept at the hospital," Semi whispered, looking down at their hands and Shirabu felt their own heart break, they'd been struggling this long and hadn't told anyone.
"Eita," Shirabu sighed, grabbing both of their hands in his own. "Suga can go and fuck himself, I've said that so many times since that year but he seriously can. I am never going to leave you, never, I promise you that that I'm not going anywhere. You are not annoying, you are the light of my life. I love you so much."
"I love you too," Semi whispered, resting their forehead against Shirabu's.
"Come on," Shirabu smiled, standing up from the sofa and reaching a hand out to help Semi up. "Let's go and lay down okay?"
"Okay," Semi said, radiating anxiety but Shirabu hoped that if he was with them, their nightmare wouldn't be as intense and if it was, he'd be there when Semi woke up from it.
"I'm here, okay?"
"Okay."
Shirabu was laying with Semi's head against his neck, rubbing small circles on his partner's back, trying to convince them to fall asleep, that he'd be there when they woke up again. He wasn't going anywhere for the next two days and when he went back to work, he was cutting his hours back down to his normal ones because he himself was feeling so exhausted too.
"When you wake up, let's go and get another Christmas tree for in here."
"Yeah, that sounds nice," Semi whispered, letting their eyes slip closed.
"I love you Eita."
"I love you Kenji."