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The word “cheerful” had never been part of the Ravens’ vocabulary. At USC, it was practically ingrained in the Trojans. Jean had never seen so many people so happy all the time. It was a rarity Jean never thought he’d be a part of.
Even more of a rarity, was Jeremy Knox.
Jeremy Knox, the boy made up of smiles and laughter and unwavering trust.
Jeremy Knox, the physical embodiment of sunshine itself.
Jeremy Knox, the perfect opposite to the dark-as-pitch events of Jean’s past.
No, there was no one quite like Jeremy Knox.
When they first met, Jean had no clue how to talk to him, how to be around him. But Jeremy pulled a side out of Jean he didn’t know existed. That’s why, when Jean’s heart betrayed him by catching feelings, he was more than a little worried.
Jeremy had been his biggest helper in getting accustomed to life in California. He was his captain. His partner. His friend. Complicated feelings would only ruin things. They always ruined things. He knew it was different here. That dating wasn’t forbidden like it was in the Nest. But how could he ever be good enough for someone like Jeremy? Jeremy was beautiful and radiant, and Jean was… decidedly not.
At least, that’s what Jean thought. Catalina Alvarez, who’d stuck to him since the day he arrived, disagreed whenever he brought that particular point up. Not that he ever told her outright about his little crush, though Cat figured it out fast enough.
“I’m basically your big sister at this point. Get used to it, Manito.”
“You are only a few month older than me.”
“A few months older is still older. Stop deflecting.”
Jean would heave a sigh, and say, “We’re friends. That is it.”
“People who are ‘just friends’ don’t cuddle the way you two do. Or sit on each others’ laps when the rest of the couch is empty,” Cat would respond. “Maybe it’s not necessarily romantic, but I think you and I both know you’re more than casual friends at this point.”
The fact that Cat had been friends with Jeremy for longer than she’d known Jean should’ve been enough for him to believe her. But he couldn’t make his brain accept it. He’d never had friends like this before. Friends that weren’t made out of a need for survival. Friends that weren’t raised to hold back any desire for connection.
He remembered being in the Nest, pressed shoulder to shoulder with Kevin, French lessons whispered between them. Proximity born from necessity. Proximity in the name of protection. It didn’t mean anything. Well, to Kevin, at least. He’d seen friends hug before, seen them kiss each other on the cheek. Cat and Laila gave both to Jean on a regular basis, and he knew for a fact they only saw him as a brother. So, why would Jeremy’s closeness be any different?
The question rattled around in his mind until, one day, his sleep-addled brain spit it out without thinking. Jean and Jeremy were just waking up from a nap, Jeremy using Jean’s chest as a pillow.
Jean carded a hand through Jeremy’s hair. “Cat says most friends don’t do this,” he said, voice soft and groggy.
Jeremy hummed. “Cat says a lot of things.”
“Is this… not normal?”
That seemed to get Jeremy out of his drowsy state because he sat up, and settled Jean with a serious look. “Why wouldn’t it be normal? It’s not, like, making you uncomfy, is it? Because if it is, we can stop. No questions asked. Just say the word.”
“No, it’s not—” Jean searched for the word. “I’m not uncomfortable, just… confused.”
Jeremy tilted his head. “Confused?”
“I am not very… familiar, with how friends are supposed to act, so when Cat said this isn’t something most friends do, it… I thought…”
Jeremy got up for their entangled state. He gestured for Jean to sit up, and sat back down on the couch, crosslegged in front of him. Jean watched as Jeremy brushed a hand through his hair, following the same path Jean’s did a couple minutes ago.
“I think…” Jeremy started. “I think I know what you mean.”
“Do you?”
Jeremy nodded. “I’m gonna need you to say it, though. If you’re ready.”
Jean stayed silent.
“If not, we can just… pretend this never happened.”
“No questions asked?” Jean said, echoing Jeremy’s words from earlier. A boundary no one had ever given him before. A boundary no one had ever made him feel okay for wanting.
“No questions asked,” Jeremy repeated.
There, in that moment, with sincere brown eyes looking at him so softly, he didn’t want to hold back anymore. He didn’t want protective proximity. He didn’t want casual cuddles. He wanted them to mean something more. And he desperately hoped Jeremy felt the same.
Jean took a deep breath. “When Cat said this isn’t something most friends do, I thought… maybe… that there was a possibility you felt about me the same way I feel about you.”
The corner of Jeremy’s lips quirked up the slightest bit, a teasing glint in his eyes. “And how do you feel about me, Jean-Yves Moreau?”
Jean felt his own mouth twitch up at the use of his full name. Jeremy had been taking every opportunity to say it ever since he found out about it. It made Jean fall even harder for the man.
“I like you,” he said.
Jeremy’s smile widened. “I like you too.”
“As… more than a friend.”
“Me too,” Jeremy said. “But we’re also still friends too, right?” he asked, joking.
Jean huffed out a laugh. “Yes, we’re still friends.”
Jeremy placed an up-turned palm on top of where their knees were pressed together; an invitation. Jean took up the offer, gently hold Jeremy’s hand in his. Jeremy let out his own little laugh. “Good,” he said.
They both looked up for their hands at the same time. Silence followed, though there were a million thought racing through Jean’s head. Most of them directing his gaze to Jeremy’s lips.
All at once, their silence broke.
“I really want to kiss you,” Jeremy said, at the same time the words, “Kiss me,” escaped from Jean’s throat.
They went quiet again as they stared at each other. Though, it wasn’t long after that Jeremy started laughing. Jean couldn’t help the slight grin growing on his face. Jeremy watched him for a second longer before moving to sit in Jean’s lap. It wasn’t an unfamiliar arrangement, but the tiny variations made it feel like the action was brand new.
For example, Jeremy facing him instead of pressing his back to Jean’s chest. Jeremy with his arms around Jean’s shoulders instead of Jean holding onto him.
“Is this okay?” Jeremy asked, voice soft, as if speaking any louder would break the plane of existence they’d found themselves in.
Jean nodded. Of course, it was okay. And when their lips met, it was so much more than okay. Jeremy’s hands travelled to cup his face, then to bury themselves in Jean’s grown-out hair. He was too focused on that touch, on the other man’s mouth, that he couldn’t do anything with his own hands other than hold firmly onto Jeremy’ waist.
It was better than Jean could ever imagine. Heavenly. Holy. He didn’t know kissing could feel like this.
When the kiss deepened, Jeremy curling around Jean like a vine, Jean finally got his hands to move. They trailed up Jeremy’s back, his pinky grazing the tiniest sliver of exposed skin. Jeremy shivered at the touch. He chuckled against Jean’s mouth, breaking the kiss. His smile was blinding. It was like looking directly into the sun.
Jean couldn’t help put give into his instincts. He pressed a kiss to Jeremy’s forehead.
Jeremy chuckled again. “I can’t believe Laila was right about you liking me,” he said.
Jean furrowed his eyebrows. “Why not?”
“Because you’re you. You’re Jean-Yves Moreau. You’re talented and funny and… and heck, you’re beautiful. Like, wow. I didn’t think I was even a blip on your radar.”
“Why wouldn’t you be?” Jean asked.
Jeremy shrugged. “I dunno. You’re just so… so… lovely.”
Lovely.
Another word that was never apart of the Ravens vocabulary. Even being so far removed from them now, Jean still didn’t expect anyone to ever describe him like that.
“Lovely?”
Jeremy touched their foreheads together. “Mhm.”
Jean shifted his grasp to Jeremy’s forearms. “Cat said the same. I can’t believe she was right either.”
“Really? I thought I was being so obvious.”
“Were you?”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve been beet red every single time we’ve cuddled.”
Jean snorted. “I thought you were just overheating.”
Jeremy groaned, burying his face in the crook of Jean’s neck. “Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing.”
“It’s okay,” Jean said, wrapping Jeremy in a hug. “The red is a good look for you.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course. With your hair, you look like our team colors.”
Jeremy groaned again, though his laugh was back soon after, his back moving under Jean’s hands. Jean joined in with his own, quieter laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he laughed so much. If he’d ever laughed so much. He thought he finally understood why his teammates were always giggling in some way. It felt good, like he was getting rid of all the bad and replacing them with other things. Better things. Things like the sun. Things like friends.
Things like Jeremy Knox.
And there would never be a better thing than Jeremy Knox.