Work Text:
Diluc was so fucking sick of this. Sick of getting his hopes up every time. Sick of getting his feelings hurt without being able to vent anywhere. Sick of thinking his relationship to Kaeya finally got better only to have one minor fight over a stupid matter and feeling like they have to start all over.
When Crepus died Diluc swore to himself to never allow himself to show any type of emotion and over time time that ‘fake it ‘till you make it’ behavior led to him bottling up his feelings so much that it was just like he didn’t have any emotions at all. He knew very well that this behavior wasn’t healthy at all but it was so much easier than actually dealing with his feelings and memories.
So on the rare occasion something happened that made one of these bottles stuffed with emotions burst due to stress and he actually did break down crying he felt so guilty and weak. Not only because in his mind he wasn’t deserving of emotions but also because he didn’t ever want to admit that his surroundings did affect him and that he wasn’t as indifferent as he acted.
When he also almost lost Kaeya who came back to the dawn winery, severely wounded from a fight with that cursed Fatui harbinger Aether brought him along to Diluc decided that he was going to finally talk things out with his brother because he knew that he couldn’t bear losing him too. At least not when they parted in a dispute.
Making up with Kaeya initially went well and most of the time Diluc is thankful to have such an amazing brother as Kaeya and finally knowing somebody besides you in serious situations for the first time since their fathers death was great. But on the other hand they fought from time to time.
Which is normal for siblings. He knew that from the time they were little kids and as much as Diluc disliked Kaeya for taking away his place as the only- and by that also favorite child he loved his brother more than anything and would protect him from all the bad things that could ever happen. Diluc would fight the sun for his brother if it meant he would see him smile because that was enough for him.
But with the passing of time and both of them getting into puberty their fights became less banal and physical fights weren’t rare. And when before they only fought to assert dominance or for half play, they started to fight because they genuinely wanted to hurt each other.
The sensation of feeling the urge to punch the other in the face as hard as they could wasn't a foreign one to either of them. But what differentiated Diluc from Kaeya was the time he actually tried to kill Kaeya and would have succeeded if Kaeya hadn’t gotten his vision just in time to protect himself.
And now they were back at wanting to punch each other in the face which they didn’t do anymore though because they both learned how to control their emotions to the extent of not jumping at each other’s throats in the middle of the tavern.
But it resulted in Diluc either trying to ignore Kaeya or leaving the tavern early to get away from Kaeya’s cold provocative stare, only to sit in the smallest and quietest corner of the mansion he could find, sitting out yet another panic attack, or drowning himself in work to try and forget the entire thing as quickly as possible.
He hated remembering the times when he would actually try to hurt himself to distract himself from the actual pain and to regain control over his life when things felt like they became uncontrollable for him. Thinking about these things made him not only feel weak but also miss the sensation.
Pinching his nose Diluc sat in his work chair, trying to get his mind back into his body to avoid spiraling once again. He took some deep breaths and tried pretending like nothing happened, turning back to his work.
But when he tried to decipher the documents in front of him, the letters began to swim in front of his eyes and no matter how often he reread a sentence his mind refused to absorb any of the information he was presented with.
Diluc put his head in his hands, sighing but refusing to let his eyes and mind defocus once again. He knew that once he let this happen, the thoughts and with them the hatred on Kaeya would return.
The worst thing though was knowing that he didn’t hate Kaeya at all. He knew that Kaeya would pretend like nothing happened and Diluc would have no chance but act along until he forgot about the dispute until their next fight.
And even though Diluc knew that this behavior was self destructive for both of them he was content with how it was at the moment because after all bottling up his feeling was a lot more convenient than actually having to deal with them or even worse, talking about them with Kaeya in order to find a solution to their pointless fighting.
Diluc stared at his ink pot as if he was trying to get it to explode and snapped out of his focus to sit up straight and stretch his back. In his thoughts he didn’t even realize how much it hurt until it was too late and now he cursed himself for staying up so late.
He should really sleep more. It’s easier than thinking. He couldn’t get into more fights with Kaeya. His responsibilities wouldn’t suffocate him. Also he wouldn’t have to feel the weight of his own body crushing him. I only he wouldn’t force himself to stay up a lot longer than necessary.
Diluc pretended like he didn’t know why he did that. But he was very well aware of why he did. Staying awake when the world fell asleep around him was the only time in which he would have total serenity. If only he wasn’t hyper aware of his own body..
Diluc ended up falling asleep at his desk, head resting on his folded arms, red curls spread over the table like a sea of flames trying to burn the table and his quill spreading a deep black stain on an important letter.