Work Text:
“Yes, there is a place where someone loves you both before and after you learn what they are.”
— Neil Hilborn
EIGHT.
Boston is cold. It’s always cold this time of year, not that Faith’s mom cares. Faith’s already outgrown her coat from last year, and her mom spends too much money at the liquor store to afford a new one.
After school, Faith wanders around, freezing. She’s wearing her thickest turtleneck sweater, but it’s nowhere near warm enough. She knows she’ll be warmer at their apartment, but she doesn’t want to go home, not yet. She’s hungry, so she stops outside the bakery that’s three blocks away from home, scrummaging her pockets for quarters. She should have enough change for a donut. But she has more dimes than quarters, and she’s five cents short. She debates going in anyway, hoping the owner will let it slide, she’s not trying to steal food this time, and that’s when she sees her.
The woman is beautiful, like how princesses in fairy tales are beautiful. She even has the long golden hair. She’s walking down the street quickly, probably on her way back to work, or doing whatever kind of errands adults do. Usually, adults don’t notice Faith, but this woman does right away. Unlike her mother, this woman doesn’t ignore her.
She approaches Faith, and asks, “It’s a little cold out, don’t you think?”
Faith shrugs. “It’s not that bad,” she says, as if her teeth haven't been chattering for the past ten minutes.
The woman gives her a strange look, and Faith takes the opportunity to stare at the tan colored coat she's wearing. Faith doesn’t know much about fashion, but she can tell that it’s expensive. Still, the woman takes the coat off as if it means nothing to her, handing it over to Faith.
“Try this on,” the woman urges.
Feeling shy, Faith puts the coat on without a word. It nearly drags against the ground, but thankfully, Faith is just tall enough so that it doesn’t.
The woman laughs, not unkindly. “That’s better, huh?” she asks. Faith can only nod and smile in response. “There’s some money in the pocket if you want to go in and buy yourself a treat. This bakery is five by five, right?”
Faith doesn’t know what that means, but her smile grows. Then the woman shivers, Faith notices.
“I’ve got to go,” the woman says, muttering something about how her mother should know better than to let Faith dress this way in the cold, and then she leaves.
Faith watches as the woman turns a corner. Guilt strikes her suddenly, she hasn't even thanked her yet. “Wait!” Faith calls, and runs after her. But she can’t find the woman anywhere, as if she just vanished into nothingness. Maybe her car was parked down this street, or she entered the side door in one of the shops. But something about it still seems strange to Faith.
*
Weeks pass before Faith’s mom even notices that Faith has been wearing a grown woman’s coat. Her mother ends up selling it, makes enough money to buy Faith two new jackets, three new sweaters, and warmer pants. Faith keeps an eye out for the woman, but she never sees her, never has the opportunity to thank her, and she forgets.
SIXTEEN.
Faith hates the West Coast, especially California. Her mother thought the change would be good, thought that moving to a small town like Sunnydale would offer them a fresh start, as if all their problems would suddenly stop existing. All it’s done so far has made Faith miserable; her classmates are just as as bad as they were back home, but at least Faith knew how to deal with them.
Well, Faith almost hates everything about California. Sunnydale has one good thing going for it, and her name is Buffy Summers.
Faith likes Buffy, likes dating Buffy. Unlike with the girls back in Boston who kept their relationship confined to their rooms or their cars, she and Buffy actually go on dates. They'll go to the movies, holding hands in the dark. Faith lets Buffy drag her around the mall, lets Buffy test out lipstick on her. Faith even lets Buffy take her to the cemetery because Buffy is secretly into making out in crypts. The first time Buffy took her to one, Faith thought it was a joke; she never took Buffy for a closeted goth. But it's fun, it's thrilling, and Faith likes Buffy enough to allow it.
But dating Buffy gets complicated. Buffy often runs late, and she doesn’t always show. She almost never answers the phone. It’s often Dawn who picks it up, making an excuse for her; saying that Buffy is studying at Willow’s or got the time mixed up and is hanging out with Xander. But Faith knows that Buffy studies as often as Faith (it's a rare occasion), and knows that Buffy isn't at Xander's. Faith has tried looking for her there, and Buffy is never there. Every time Faith has stopped by the Rosenberg residence, Willow’s parents say she’s at Oz’s, and as much as she likes the guy, Faith knows Buffy wouldn’t waste her time third-wheeling.
Faith hasn't been able to figure out where Buffy goes. She's gone so far as to wander the mall by herself, countless times, searching for her, browsing all of Buffy’s favorite stores till the mall closes.
She knows that last year Buffy dated an older guy, a senior when she was still a sophomore, but he’s away at college now in L.A. Not that Faith really thinks Buffy would cheat on her with him, but since he’s out of the picture, it’s hard to imagine where else Buffy could possibly be.
Tonight, Buffy came over three hours late, and now she's crying in Faith’s bedroom, while Faith replays every time a store clerk gave her the side eye when she was looking for Buffy at the mall.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy says, with a sniff. She sounds sincere, and that's the problem, Buffy always sounds sincere. “I lost track of time at Willow’s, then I went shopping with Dawn really quick—”
“You can’t even keep track of your own lies, Buffy,” says Faith, trying to blink back her own tears. “I went to your house and Dawn was there. Then I went to Willow’s, who was at Oz's again, so you weren’t there." Faith doesn't tell her that she searched the mall, again. "Is there someone else?”
“What?" Buffy asks, shocked that Faith would have the nerve to ask that. "No, of course there isn’t. There isn't anyone else, Faith. I promise.”
"Then what's the deal, B? Are you ashamed of me?" Faith asks, hating how desperate she sounds. “You haven’t told your friends that we're dating, and that’s fine, but if you still have your own issues to work out—”
“That’s not it at all,” Buffy says. “They’re just… not ready to hear about us right now. But they will be in time. Besides, Willow’s gay but she doesn’t know it yet.”
“What?” Faith asks. She never really got that vibe from Willow, but Buffy mentions it as if it's common knowledge.
“I mean,” Buffy clarifies, “she just gives me… gayish energy, is all. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was gay.”
Faith's not convinced, but she's too angry to think too much about Willow. "So it's not that your friends are homophobes. Got it. And you're sure that you..." she trails off, but the implication was obvious, and Buffy looks more offended than sad.
“I know that I like boys and girls, Faith,” Buffy says, a little curt. Maybe that’s earned, but Faith is fed up. “That’s not what this is.”
“Then why can’t you just tell me? Where do you run off to?” Faith asks, and Buffy averts her eyes, staring intently at Faith's wall. “That’s what I thought. I don’t mind being kept a secret B, that’s how it is sometimes, with girls like us. But I do care about how you keep lying to me. I can't do this anymore. We’re through.”
Buffy looks as though she doesn’t believe her, and that only agitates Faith more. “Did you hear me? We’re through,” she repeats.
“I got it,” Buffy says. “I’ll see you around, Faith.”
Faith waits till Buffy leaves the room and then she can't stop crying.
EIGHTEEN.
It’s the end of their senior year, and Faith has given Buffy another chance. When they first broke up, Faith found she couldn’t ever escape Buffy, their lockers were next to each other, they were in the same classes, they would still meet each other's eyes at the Bronze. Eventually, Faith gave in and they started hanging out again. When they started dating again, Buffy even suggested that they come out to her friends (their friends, Buffy often corrects her). Xander took it surprisingly well, and Willow looked shocked, asked more questions than Xander. Sometimes Faith had wondered if what Buffy said was true, that Willow was gay and didn’t know it yet.
Tonight, it’s prom night, and the five of them are supposed to go together. But Buffy is late. She's supposed to pick up Faith first, and then the two of them are to go get Xander. Oz and Willow are going to meet them at the school.
When Buffy does finally arrive, she’s not wearing the purple prom dress she had picked out. No, she’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and her hair is different. It’s curled, it’s longer than it was earlier today. Faith would have assumed she got extensions for prom if it looked like Buffy was actually planning on going to prom.
“What are you doing?” Faith asks. To blend in with her fellow classmates, to follow all of the stupid rules for prom, she agreed to wear a dress; a monstrous, long red velvet thing, even though she hates it. But Buffy liked the color on her, so Faith gave in.
“Come on,” Buffy says. “I know you hate the dress, and I know you don’t want this.”
“It’s not about what I want, B,” Faith says. It never has been. “You could still win Prom Queen, I bet. We’re late, but it’s not that late.” Outside of their friend group and Giles the librarian, no one knows that she and Buffy are dating. There are definitely rumors, but most people in school adore Buffy, and Faith can’t blame them. She’s never cared about any of that crap, but she’ll be damned if her girlfriend doesn’t win something tonight.
“I think we should go for a walk,” Buffy says, and Faith scoffs.
She should have seen it coming. Things had been going well between them, this time, but they weren’t perfect. Buffy still disappeared on her now and then, and Faith tried to keep her cool when it happened, but it wasn't easy.
Faith asks, “You know I spent a lot of money on this dress for you, right?”
Buffy doesn’t even blink. “You didn’t take the price tag off.”
“What?” Faith asks. She concealed it pretty well, there’s no way Buffy could have known that.
“You didn’t take the price tag off,” Buffy repeats, as if it's glaringly obvious. “But it works out. You return the dress tomorrow, and the shop next to it is having a sale. You end up buying a leather jacket with the money, and I swear you never take that thing off.”
“What are you going on about, B?” Faith asks. It sounds like something Faith would do, sure, but it's still strange, the prophetic way Buffy speaks.
Buffy only smiles at her, sad. “I have to go.”
"I thought we were going for a walk," Faith says.
"I'm out of time, I'm sorry, Faith."
“Where do you always go?” Faith asks.
“The new millennium,” Buffy says, like it’s an inside joke. That’s only next year. “I’ll see you there one day, or not. It’s up to you. It’s supposed to still be up to you.” Then she walks out the door.
“What,” Faith says to herself, “the fuck.”
TWENTY.
The bar Faith works at is near Sunnydale’s university, though few students actually come here. It’s small, far smaller than the Bronze, and it reeks of cigarette smoke and the poor company who leave her even poorer tips. But it’s Faith’s second home, and she doesn't have to pay for her drinks. Somehow, she still makes enough to pay rent.
It’s exactly the kind of place girls like Buffy avoid, which was Faith's intention. She's had enough of girls who look honey sweet, girls who bat their eyes at her, who promise to call her and never do.
But tonight, Buffy shows up, and she shows up alone. Since they graduated, Faith lost track of what happened to all of Buffy's friends. She’s pretty sure she saw Willow at a gay bar the other week, with a girl, unless that was another redhead wearing goofy sweaters. Buffy called it, years ago, and Faith was tempted to call her, say she was right, but she didn’t. She hasn’t spoken to Buffy once since prom night.
Till now.
“You lost, blondie?” Faith asks her, once she sits down at the bar.
Buffy gives her a look. “Really?”
“This just doesn’t seem like your kind of place,” Faith tells her. "Personally, I'd call it five by five, but girls like you usually walk in, take one look at the place, and march back out."
“I came to see you,” Buffy says, and that's annoying, Faith has no idea how Buffy found out she works here. She certainly doesn't advertise it. “I think we should talk.”
And that’s how it always goes with Buffy. But talking never gets them anywhere, not really. Faith will be alone again, and she's starting to think she'd prefer that.
Faith shakes her head. “Not this time, B,” she says.
“It’s important,” says Buffy.
“Isn’t always?” asks Faith, with a shrug to show her nonchalance. "Last time we talked, you dumped me. Not really interested in what you have to say two years later."
Buffy leaves the bar and a twenty dollar tip, even though she didn't order anything. Faith throws it in the trash.
*
Faith thought Buffy left the bar. Turns out she’s been standing outside for the last three hours, waiting for Faith to finish her shift.
And it goes like this: the talking doesn't last long, because the two of them end up in Faith’s room, with Buffy straddling her as if Faith hasn’t spent the past two years avoiding her. Maybe some things never changed.
Buffy leans down to kiss Faith again, and it’s cute, really, the way Buffy insists that she’ll stay on top. But then Buffy does what she always does; she disappears.
This time, it’s different. Faith actually sees it.
Buffy doesn’t walk out Faith’s front door, she doesn’t bolt out. One second both her legs were on Faith’s sides, and the next Buffy completely vanished.
All Faith can do is sit up and look around. The air still smells like Buffy’s perfume, heavy enough as if she’s still here.
“B?” Faith asks.
There’s no verbal response, but there is a crash in Faith’s shabby living room. Faith is mostly dressed; well, she’s in a bra and her jeans, so she grabs her jacket and walks out.
“Buffy?” Faith asks. And she must have passed out, and Buffy must have some twisted idea about what a prank is, because Buffy stands before her in the same long, lavender colored dress she picked for prom night. She's even straightened her hair the way she did two years ago. “I was into what we were doing earlier,” she snaps. “I’m not into whatever this is.”
“Faith?” Buffy asks, sounding confused.
“Uh, we’re at my place,” Faith says, not making Buffy’s Bambi eyes look any more relieved. “Look, if this is some role-play thing, I’m not into it.”
Buffy stares at Faith for a moment, and there’s something serious in her expression. She looks confused, as if something is wrong, as if she didn't plan all of this out herself. “This isn’t 1999, is it? Of course it’s not. You finally moved out, got your own place like you always wanted.”
“You’re telling me you forgot what year it is?” Faith asks. It’s more of a whisper.
“What year is it?” Buffy asks, equally quiet.
It’s now that Faith starts growing concerned. “It’s 2001. Almost Halloween.”
“Ah,” says Buffy, looking down at her dress. “I missed Prom, didn’t I.”
“Yeah,” Faith says, trying to put the pieces together, but it doesn’t make any sense. She knew there was a reason Buffy had disappeared on her all the time. And the Buffy who visited her on prom night was acting different, the same way Buffy is acting now. Buffy even looks a little younger, somehow, and Faith is starting to doubt that it's the makeup.
And Faith must be staring at her strangely, because Buffy says, “Can you please stop looking at me like I’m an alien?” Faith can’t reply, and then Buffy adds, a little accusatory, “It’s October 2001 and you still don’t know.”
“Still don’t know about what, B?” Faith rasps.
“About my mutation,” Buffy says, as if this sort of mutation is an ordinary thing to have.
But that’s what it must be. Faith never had a logical explanation for Buffy’s disappearances save for Buffy lying to her. This is much more serious than that. “Your mutation?” Faith repeats. “Let’s sit down,” Faith says, with a swallow. “You can lay it all on me.”
Buffy nods and the two of them sit on Faith’s couch.
*
It's not an easy thing to process, everything Buffy tells her. How Buffy's traveled across time ever since she was little, spying glimpses of the future, losing track of time back in her present, the way things blur.
"So you travel in time," Faith says, narrowing her brow. It doesn't sound true even as she says it, something like that should be impossible, but it does explain the way Buffy disappears on her. “That’s where you go? Somewhere else? A different time? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Is that why you broke up with me?”
Buffy's eyes are wide, and Faith immediately regrets bombarding her with all the questions.
“I broke up with you?” Buffy asks, as if that's more improbable than a time-traveling mutation.
Softly, Faith says, “You came to see me that night—Prom I mean—but you weren’t dressed in what you’re wearing now. You were… older. More sure of stuff.”
“Oh,” Buffy says.
“Sorry,” Faith says. “I guess I’ve had time to get used to all. And this is new for you.”
“It’s fine,” Buffy says. “I’m sure future me had her reasons… but I’m sorry.”
“You meant to show up to Prom after all huh.”
“Yeah,” Buffy says, sadly. “Of course I did. I wanted to share that night with you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Faith says. “I hated the dress.”
“You did?” Buffy asks.
“I was only going to wear it for you,” Faith says.
“Oh,” says Buffy. “That makes sense, I guess. That was nice of you.”
Faith shrugs. "It worked out, I kept the price tag on it, and returned the dress the day after and used the money to buy this," she says, showing off the jacket.
"It suits you," Buffy says, bunching up her dress with her hands, and then smoothing it out. “So what happens next? I go back in my time and we break up?”
“We do,” Faith says. “Well, you call me a bunch, I guess because you, the Buffy of that time, wants to make it right. But I don’t pick up, sorry. Eventually you stop, and we move on.”
“But you were expecting me tonight,” Buffy says. “You called my name.”
“Come on, B,” says Faith. “The two of us can never stay away from each other for good. But, give me some space when you get back, will you? I’ll need it.”
“Sure,” Buffy says, nodding, unsure.
It’s getting late.
“Do you know when you… leave?” Faith asks. “Can you tell?”
Buffy shakes her head. “Not until right before it happens,” she explains. “I can feel it pulling, but that’s it. I can’t make it happen, and I can’t stop it. I don’t have any control.”
That makes Faith hold her breath. All those fights she had with Buffy, about where she went, about how Buffy always lost track of time. It wasn’t a lie, and Faith always blamed her for it.
“You can crash on the couch, tonight,” Faith says. “And for however long you’re… in this time. It’s cool.”
“Thanks, Faith,” Buffy says.
*
When Faith is roused awake, it’s by her Buffy, the Buffy of this time.
“So I guess you know, by now,” Buffy says.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Faith asks.
“That’s why I sought you out tonight,” Buffy said. “I thought you’d believe me if I disappeared in front of you and came back from a different time.”
“Fair,” Faith says, “but you could have told me sooner. Like when we were actually dating, B.”
“I wanted to wait till after we graduated,” Buffy says. “Things were starting to get more serious, and I didn’t want you to think I kept disappearing on you on purpose.”
“I know now that you weren’t. But… why did a future version of yourself break up with me on prom night?”
“For me, that was last week,” Buffy admits. “I was… I don’t know. I saw you in the future and we had a fight. I wanted you to have the chance to walk away from me.”
“And then you walked into my bar,” Faith says.
“I knew you would find out about my mutation even though we weren't together. I thought it would be easier when you were face to face with a younger version of me,” she says. “But Faith, this is still up to you. I don’t want you to feel that we’re like, doomed to have this relationship if you don’t want to be a part of it. I can’t help that I’m always pulled back to you. It’s part of my code, I guess. Like I said, I don’t have any control over any of this.”
“I do want this, Buffy,” Faith says. "I want to try."
Buffy grins, but she keeps her distance. "Are you sure about this?"
"I'll know when you disappear, it's not on purpose," Faith says. Buffy's grin grows wider, and Faith leans in to kiss her.
TWENTY-FIVE.
Buffy is missing. It's nothing new, but it's not easy. Faith should be used to the disappearances by now, she knows Buffy can't control any of this. Since they started dating again, since Faith accepted the truth of Buffy's mutation, they haven't had a major fight in five years. But they're in Boston for Christmas, or rather, Faith is in Boston, Buffy is elsewhere, stuck in a different time. It's cold here, and Faith is lonely.
The irony is, this was Buffy’s idea to retreat to Boston this year, as she's never experienced a heavy snowfall, or a traditionally cold Christmas. That one instance in Sunnydale doesn’t count. Joyce was sad to see them go, and especially Dawn, but Buffy had promised them both that they’d be back by New Years. Buffy thought it would be a good idea for the two of them to have some space, but turns out, she’s getting more than she bargained for.
It's Christmas Eve, and Buffy has been missing for a week. Her disappearances have been lasting longer and longer, and Faith is starting to get worried that Buffy is going to end up stuck in a time that doesn't belong to her. Buffy can do more than protect herself, that isn’t the issue, she’s had to grow tough, being able to fend for herself. One time I wound up in a 1800s nunnery when I was supposed to go to the Bronze with Willow, she told Faith once. I think I scarred them for life. They said I was a witch.
Faith walks up to the hotel window, looking at the incoming snowfall. “Where are you, B?” she asks out loud. They were supposed to fly back to California in two days. Faith doesn’t know if she should fly home without her, or if she should try to extend her stay at the hotel. She hates the thought of Buffy reappearing out of thin air while strangers are in the room.
*
Faith wakes up in the middle of the night to Buffy shivering, standing next to the bed. It's warm in the hotel room, but Buffy is still underdressed, wearing a tank-top and a long skirt.
"Faith?" Buffy asks, confused.
Faith turns on a light, and this isn't the Buffy Faith was hoping to see. She's younger, that much is obvious. Buffy hasn't curled her hair like that in years. "What year are you from?" Faith asks her.
Buffy looks puzzled. "You know I'm not—"
"I know about your mutation, yeah," Faith says.
"Oh," Buffy says. "So you're not surprised to see me?"
"Not surprised, just disappointed," Faith says.
Buffy winces, and Faith wishes she could take it back.
"Sorry," Faith says, pointedly looking at the T.V. instead, eyeing Buffy's reflection in the screen. This Buffy is from the past, and she knows Buffy has no say in this, deep down this Faith knows it, but the Buffy she's in love with is still gone and now she's stuck with a version of her who knows nothing of that, who knows nothing of them. "That wasn't fair for me to say. It's complicated."
"I see," Buffy says quietly.
"You just... you keep on leaving me. And then when you come back, it's like it doesn't even matter how long you're gone, how long I've been missing you. You act like you know I'll always take you back."
"I don't know that, Faith. I've never known. If I knew you felt that way—"
"You do know, because we've had this conversation before!" Faith says. And now she gets up. Her brain is starting to hurt. She hates talking to Past Buffy, almost as much as she hates talking to Future Buffy.
"You're supposed to have a choice," Buffy eventually says.
"It doesn't feel like it," Faith says, shutting her eyes. She inhales slowly, listens to the door of their room creak as Buffy leaves. Because Buffy always leaves.
*
But Buffy always comes back. She wakes up the next morning with Buffy, the Buffy from her time, curled up next to her.
"B," Faith says, nudging her awake. "You're back."
"Mhm," Buffy mumbles. "How are you?"
"Five by five," Faith answers. "Now, at least." She doesn't mention the fight. Buffy already lived through it years ago, for her, it's already been forgiven, it's been forgiven from the moment Faith said she was willing to give them a try. But for Faith, it was last night, and the guilt still eats away at her. "I'm sorry for saying it feels like I don't have a choice waiting for you. I know that's not true."
Buffy opens a single eye. "Was that last night?"
"Yeah."
"Strange."
"Buffy, that's not the only thing. You were gone for a week."
Both eyes open now, and Buffy sits up. "What?"
"We fly back to Sunnydale tomorrow."
"But that doesn't make any sense. It was only a few hours for me. I know I missed dinner, then I wound up in 2010, but then I came back to find you sleeping here in the hotel. We're still in Boston, right?" Faith nods. Buffy pulls one of the blankets closer to her. "I'm really sorry, Faith. I had no idea I was gone for that long."
Faith hates all the times she's made Buffy apologize for this, for just existing. “It’s okay,” she says gently. “I was just worried about you.”
“I hate leaving you,” Buffy says.
“I know.”
“I did discover something though,” Buffy says, pressing up against Faith. “We can get married next year. In California. Legally.”
“Hm,” Faith says. “And do we?”
Buffy kisses her. “Guess you’re going to have to wait and see.”
THIRTY-FIVE.
They’re out shopping for coats. They haven’t been back to Boston since Buffy disappeared ten years ago, and Buffy says she wants to go back for her birthday. Willow and Tara are going to meet them, so will Xander and Anya, whose kids are staying with Joyce for the weekend. Faith is grateful, she loves those little brats, but they’re a lot to handle on a red eye flight across the country.
“Which one do you like best?” Buffy asks, she’s holding two coats, one is blue, and it would match her eyes, and the other is tan, familiar.
“I think you should get both,” Faith says.
“Buy both?” Buffy asks. “I do like the color on me for this one,” she says, lifting up the tan one. “But I’m not sure it’s warm enough.”
Faith remembers when she first saw it—remembers the blonde woman who gifted her with the coat and then vanished. She smiles at the memory. She was devastated when her mother sold the coat. “Trust me, B, it’s plenty warm.”
“And how do you know that?” Buffy asks, raising an eyebrow.
“You’ll find out one of these days,” Faith says, stepping forward to kiss her wife.
Buffy smiles back at her when they part.