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“What? You wanna go in by yourself…?” Susie looked perplexed by Kris' sudden statement. It was necessary, though. “...Whatever. Do what you want.”
Kris took a deep breath. They never went in yet, and they were… a bit worried as to what could be inside.
They opened the door.
What greeted them was a landline phone constantly ringing, and a diminutive man with a surprisingly sharp suit, a pair of glasses, and a lot of screws loose.
“HEY EVERY !
IT'S ME, SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!”
Here we go.
Spamton looked delighted to see Kris. The feeling was not mutual.
“KRIS!!! YOU [Little Sponge]! I KNEW YOU'D COME HERE [[On A Saturday Night]]!”
It was a Friday.
“AFTER ALL, YOU WANNA BE A [BIG SHOT]! EAHAHAHAHAA!!”
The conversation barely started and Kris wanted to get out of here quickly as humanly possible. Unfortunately for them, they have to wait until the dialogue finishes.
“BUT HOW? HOW CAN YOU BE?”
Kris wanted to say they never asked that, but realized midway it was pointless. It was Spamton they were talking to, after all.
“LISTEN. IN THE [Deep Abyss] OF QUEEN'S [Mansion]
[[A Great Deal]] IS WAITING For [[A LimiTed Time Only!]] A HEAVEN-PIERCING [[Anime-Ready Body]”
Hold the phone. (Nevermind, it's already on his stand.) Was Kris hearing right, or did he just say… anime-ready body?
“[[Designed BY The Classics You've Come To Expect! (C)1997]”
Well, whatever he said, it didn't seem like he was going to repeat himself.
“KRIS THAT [Little Nipper] IS OUR [One-way Ticket] TO MAKE YOU [Big]. MAKE ME [Big].
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WE WILL BE TAKING [ A Ride around Town on Our Magicl ‚�£óÞ¢áñ????]”
Kris got the feeling this wasn't supposed to be the deal. There was no turning back now, sadly.
“VACATIONING IN [Burning acid] WHILE YOU SOAK IN THE [Hyperlink Blocked].
BUT KRIS DON'T [Breathe] YET!! THE WAY IS LOCKED BY [High Quality Encryption]!
YOU WILL NEVER GET INSIDE.”
Kris breathed a sigh of relief, not realizing it was a segue.
“WAIT KRIS LOOK!! HEAR THOSE [Balloons]??? YOU ARE [1000th Customer]!!.
AS A [Commemorative Ring] I WILL LET YOU BUY [KeyGen] FROM ME AT [The Low Low Price Of]
WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!? IT'S SUCH A STEAL, I'M [$!X$]ING MYSELF!!!”
Kris looked at the price of the Keygen. After seeing the numbers fluctuate more than Berdly's percentages when they were 3-stocking him, they decided to tear their eyes away.
“TAKE THIS DEAL AND YOU WILL [[Die]]!! IT'S THAT GOOD!!!
[BUY] THE KEYGEN FROM ME, UNLOCK THE BASEMENT, AND GET THAT PiratedCD!!!"
Well, it seemed like the only thing left to do was to buy the Keygen. Kris waited until the number settled at a nice 69 Kromer and bought it. Delicious, indeed.
Leaving the shop and ignoring Susie and Ralsei's banter about candy, Kris made their way to Queen's mansion's basement. One uneventful trip later (It was 2 very eventful trips, but Kris didn't like to be reminded of the time in the teacup ride.), Kris made their way back to the Trash Zone, PiratedCD in hand. They found the CD in a broken down outfit complete with a staff. Looking at the CD, Kris saw an anime girl on the cover. Kris imagined the implications of the deal, and shuddered.
They re-entered Spamton's shop. He was waiting for them with rose-tinted glasses, but not in the good way that Swatch was doing.
“KRIS!!! YOU DID IT!! YOU [[Funky]] LITTLE [[Worm]]! YOU BROUGHT ME THE CD!!
HOCHI MAMA!!!! I CAN FEEL THAT [Smooth Taste] ALREADY!!”
“... NOW KRIS. DON'T BE GREEDY. HAND OVER. THE DISK.
THEN WE WILL TRANSFER.
MY [[Hyperlink Blocked]].
THEN. KRIS. AFTER. THIS IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.
GO BACK. AND PUT. THE DISK. BACK. WHERE YOU GOT IT.”
Kris definitely didn't like the implications of this deal now.
“DO THAT... AND YOU HAVE MY [Specil Guaranttee] I WILL [[Pass My Savings Onto You!]]
EVERY [Big], EVERY [Shot], EVERY [Hyperlink Blocked], ALL YOURS, KRIS.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? BIG SHOT...
[[Warning! If you consent to the terms and agreements,]] [[OUR STORE is PERMANENTLY Closing Down!!]]”
After hearing the last statement, Kris looked at the rest Spamton had to offer. A broken, unusable sword; a frayed bowtie, and actual poison . Kris decided not to buy anything.
TRANSFER
DO NOT
Kris started the transfer. Spamton entered the CD, as the color in the shop drained. When they were finished, the whole place was empty. It was eerie, in a way.
Kris obtained the Loaded(insert lenny face)CD.
The gang went back to the mansion basement. Kris made it to the outfit and inserted the LoadedCD into the outfit.
…
Nothing happened.
Kris was oddly relieved. Good thing nothing happened, or their eyes would have melted down from what they would have had to witness. Well, they guessed it was time to exit the basement.
Or so they thought, as while they were walking, they got knocked down by a dark object.
It seemed to move and morph, as what looked like its face was turning into a familiar shape.
In the darkness, two bicolored eyes flashed.
“HOLY [[Cungadero]] DO I FEEL GOOD …
HERE I AM!! KRIS!!
BIG
BIg
big
b…
WHAT THE [F or Only A Limited Time] AM I WEARING???”
Kris felt like their eyes really were melting down. From the neck down, there was a "Magical Girl" in front of Kris. They recognized it as one of the characters in an anime Alphys was watching: Mew Mew Kissy Cutie, complete with a pink dress, staff, ribbons and a tail. From the neck up, however, the character was forever tainted for Kris. They reckoned they would never be able to watch the anime normally again without seeing this sight in their nightmares, as everyone's number one rated salesman, Spamton, was the head of the abomination. And he had cat ears. Kris' day was just getting better and better.
“KRIS!! YOU'RE [[Based]] RIGHT? HOW DO I LOOK??”
Kris told Spamton their mental health would never recover.
“WELL
UH
[SPONGE]”
It doesn't look like Spamton has a good comeback. Honestly, if he had a rebuttal, neither would you.
“A
ANYWAY, T-THIS POWER IS FREEDoM.
I WON't HAVE TO BE
JUST A PUPPET
ANYMORE, MEW~”
…
Both Kris and Spamton stood in stunned silence.
“DID YOU [[Sponsored By Audible]] WHAT I JUST SAID”
Kris nodded.
“W
WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER
TICS OR NOT I AM STILL [Free]
Or… so I thought...”
Kris looked at what seemed to be Spamton Kissy Cutie again. His body seemed to be attached to something…
“WHAT ARE THESE RIBBONS?
WHY AM I NOT [Big] ENOUGH?
STILL SO DARK
SO DARK”
Spamton looked at Kris. With his unnerving, long-nosed face adorned with cat ears, Kris definitely thought they were to get nightmares tonight. If Spamton killed them, they'd honestly be grateful they'd never have to see him again.
Spamton approached them. They backed up.
“KRIS.
KRIS, KRIS, KRIS.
THAT'S RIGHT.YOU. I NEED YOU.
TO BE BIG
WITH ME.”
Spamton was getting closer, and Kris noticed they were getting backed against the wall.
“VERY VERY BIG,
SO BIG WE'LL STAND UP TALL AND SEE PAST THE DARK
STAND Up WITH OUR HEADS IN THE CLOUDS AND LOoK INTO
H E A V E N, MEW~”
Kris gulped. They wondered if Heaven really existed, and the folks over in the great yonder saw… whatever Kris was seeing, that they'd question if they were even in Heaven or not. Kris certainly would.
“I JUST NEED THAT LITTLE
[[SOUL]]
YOU HAVE.”
Spamton raised his staff and pointed it towards Kris. He inched towards Kris, laughing along the way. Kris backed up and ended up falling onto the floor, landing on the rails. They were cornered. This was it.
ZCHWEEO!
Spamton was interrupted by a familiar flash of purple, and disappeared into the ceiling.
Susie and Ralsei came running, Susie's ax in hand. Had there not been a Rude Buster on Spamton, Kris would have been minced meat.
Susie looked worried. “Kris! The hell was that weirdo!?”
“Kris," Ralsei said, "we were worried about you, so…”
Suddenly, the wall behind Kris unwalled, revealing more rails stretching incredibly far. Kris heard Spamton's voice, somehow perfectly clear.
“KRIS!! YOU HavE [Friends]!?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM ABOUT MY [3 for One Specil], MEW?
TODAY, THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN TAKE A LITTLE [Ride Around Town]...”
Behind the gang, a set of cars came zooming by. They barely managed to dodge the cars and landed on them with not much trouble. At least, not much trouble yet .
Kris noticed the cars were even themed after Mew Mew Kissy Cutie. They'd have a lot to tell their therapist when they had one in the future.
“[Attention Customers! Clean up on Aisle 3!]
SOMEONE LEFT [There] SOULS, [Lyeing Around....]”
Suddenly, a line of Spamton heads (With cat ears, of course. ) blocked the rails, slowly approaching Kris, Susie, and Ralsei's cars.
Then, it was as if Kris's own SOUL was glowing.
Kris stood up. It seemed as if time had stopped. He pointed towards the heads, with trajectories heading straight at them and their friends. They should've been scared, but their fear was subsided by something they felt.
Determination.
This determination manifested in their hand; a bullet, shooting from their finger towards a head. It was destroyed.
One of the heads going towards Susie was far bigger than the rest. Kris knew a standard bullet couldn't cut it, so they concentrated, their determination manifesting into a larger form. A Big Shot. Heh, funny. The bullet penetrated through both the larger head and all of the other ones behind it.
Time seemed to resume, as Spamton appeared in front of them.
“KRIS!! WAS THAT A [BIG SHOT] JUST NOW!?
WOW!!!
I'M SO [P-”
“Wait, stop,” Susie said. “What the hell are you wearing!?”
“KRIS!!," Spamton said, "YOUR FRIEND IS [Harassment] ME!!”
Kris shrugged nervously. It wasn't like there was anything they could do.
Wait… there was something they could do.
The ribbons Spamton was hanging from… If they snapped them, Spamton might no longer be connected. Then they'd be free! And then they'd leave the basement and Kris would never have to see this abomination again!
First, though, Kris had to cross (applesauce) the bridge when they got to it. For now, it looked like a fight was about to commence. At least, after Spamton was done ranting about his outfit.
"[Little Green Man]!", Spamton said, "IS MY MAGIKAL DRESS REALLY [Cringe]!?"
Ralsei wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Er, it's, um, good, I guess?"
Susie tried elbowing him, but forgot they were in moving cars. Susie stumbled a bit, but stood up straight like she meant to do that. "Just be honest, Ralsei! He looks like if Mew Mew fell into a pool of acid."
Bewildered, Kris asked Susie if she actually watched Mew Mew Kissy Cutie.
Susie shrugged. "Sometimes I find some CDs near the bowl of milk in the alleyway. I figured it'd be fun to watch."
Then, Susie readied her ax. "But that isn't important now."
Spamton seemed to have forgotten he was trying to kill the Gang.
"OH!! YOU'VE GOT [[Guts, The Black Swordsman]], KID!!
IN THE NAME OF THE [Moon], IT'S TIME TO MAKE A VERY [Specil] DEAL..."
It's time to be a [BIG SHOT]!
Immediately, the heroes began to attack Spamton Kissy Cutie's ribbons. Susie considered hurling Ralsei at them, but then she thought Ralsei could and would get run over, and reluctantly decided not to.
“Why are you looking at me?” Ralsei asked.
“No reason,” Susie said quickly.
"KRIS!! THIS BODY MAY BE [Cringe] BUT BEFORE YOU KNoW IT, [[You Too!] WILL TREMBLE BEFORE THE POWER OF [ANIME]"
Spamton raised his staff, and suddenly, it shot Spamton heads. Not just any old normal Spamton heads, though, this fic would be too normal otherwise! These Spamton heads had yellow pigtails and headbands, because Kris' eyes just hadn't suffered enough!
With a sigh, Kris weaved past the heads, firing at the ones heading towards their friends.
"THE SMOOTH TASTE OF [MEW MEW]"
Kris' face turned to a look of disgust. They got the feeling Susie and Ralsei were silently judging them.
Spamton laughed. "KRIS!! DON'T YOU WANnA BE PART OF MY BEAUTIFUL [Chama]!? OR... DID YOU NEED A LITTLE [Specil] TOUR?"
Below Spamton's head, something glowed. Of course, it was a heart-shaped necklace. Of course it would be. But Kris digressed. The necklace grew in size and stretched. On the heart was Spamton's face, because why not? It shot multiple streams of diamonds that the Gang barely managed to avoid, before Kris fired back with a bunch of big shots. The heart broke, and it reverted back to its original size.
"ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS [Big]! THEN WE'Ll BE THE ONES MAKING THE [Calls], KRIS! CAN YOU REALLY LOOK IN MY [Kawaii Eyes] AND SAY NO!?"
Yes , Kris thought, though they were too tactful to say this in front of Spamton. They, along with Susie and Ralsei, were simply concentrating on snapping Spamton's ribbons.
“We gotta do this quick,” Susie said, “Just so that we don’t have to look at him anymore.”
Spamton was getting worked up now, though he didn't seem to notice his ribbons being snapped, somehow. "KRIS!! TAKE THE DEAL! TAKE IT FROM ME!!
ARE YOU REALLY GONNA LIVE YOUR LIFE AS A [[Heart on a Chain]] DEVOID OF [Anime]!?"
Kris tried not to dwell on Spamton's last statement, as they just kept snapping ribbons, dodging bullets, and shooting down wave after wave of Pipis.
"KRIs... I WON'T FORCE YOU. I CAN'T FORCE YOU.
BUT JUST LOOK, KRIS.
LOOK AT THE POWER OF [Anime] AND ASK YOURSELF.
WELL, DON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU WANNA BE A [Big Shot], MEW!?"
A chill hung in the air. It was as if everything had gone away. All that was in view was Kris and Spamton in a void. Spamton raised his staff, and everything around Kris felt like it was being sucked in. Kris left it too, that if they didn't stop Spamton, they'd become a [Big Shot], and in a bad way.
Kris shot at the staff, and suddenly the vacuum stopped.
Suddenly, Kris saw a red circle behind Spamton with text on its right. 'WRECK'. When the vacuum stopped, it changed to 'SPEW'.
Something terrible was coming.
Kris heard a barely audible voice from the staff say, "Hadouken!"
And the staff unleashed hell. Gigantic Spamton waves came out of it, and Kris barely managed to squeak by, only getting hit once. It burned, but they had to pull through. It seemed to stop, but Kris then saw it was only because the staff shot Big Bertha, the mother of all bullets. Kris closed their eyes and tensed up. They heard a loud BOOM , and suddenly… they were back in their car?
No matter… no time to dwell on that. There were only two ribbons remaining. Kris managed to cut one of them.
SNAP!
The cars decelerated to a stop. The Gang shared a collective sigh of relief.
"WAIT! [$!?!] THE PRESSES!" Spamton said. "KRIS... YOU... YOU'RE [Gifting] ME MY [FREEDOM], MEW?!
KRIS... AFTER EVERYTHING I DID TO YOU...!?
AFTER ALL THE [Unforgett4ble Deals] [Free KROMER] I GAVE YOU
YOU'RE FINALLY REPAYING MY [Genorisity]!?"
Spamton was beaming. "KRIS!!! I UNDERSTAND NOW!!! THE GREATEST DEAL OF ALL!!!"
Around Kris, Susie and Ralsei, the environment changed to a happy-go-lucky pastel blue color, with white colored clouds passing by. The cars began moving again. They stumbled because of the sudden momentum.
"FRIENDSHIP, MEW!!!
KRIS!! MY DAYS AS A [Long-Nosed Doll] ARE OVER!
CUT THAT RIBBON AND MAKE ME MY OWN KIND OF PRINCESS!
ARE YOU WATCHING, [HEAVEN]!? IT'S TIME FoR SPAMTON'S [Comeback Special], MEW!!
AND THIS TIME... I LIVE FOR MYSELF!!!
NO... MYSELF AND MY [Friend(s)]!!!
HERE I GO!!! WATCH ME FLY, [MAMA]!!!!"
Kris cut the last ribbon. When they did, Spamton's necklace broke… and his outfit turned from something out of a magical girl anime to a standard schoolgirl. Spamton fell on the rails with a blank expression and gray glasses.
Susie hoisted Spamton up, and Kris and Ralsei tied him around to some vines to keep him held up.
“Do you think he’s… okay?” Ralsei said.
Kris didn’t know.. But there was only one way to find out.
Spamton was responding again.
"It seems after all I couldn't be anything more than a simple puppet. But you three... You're strong. With a power like that… Maybe you three can break your own strings. Let me become your strength."
And Spamton was gone, but not entirely. A sparkle flew from him into Kris' closed hand.
'Let me become your strength,' he said. Spamton wasn't really gone. He was in their hand. They opened it…. to find a headband in the shape of a pair of cat ears.
…
This was the worst day of Kris' life. Even worse than the day the SOUL possessed them.