Chapter Text
Love was a curious beast. It was more cruel than kind. It made you feel ill, made your palms sweaty and your head light. And yet, it was also one of the best feelings in the world. It made you feel on top of the world, balancing on a tightrope. It was all too easy to fall.
Hate was far easier to hold than love. Dazai didn't love him, not at all. He viewed Chuuya as lesser, a fool. Chuuya knew loving Dazai was a death sentence. He couldn't help it. That smarmy smile of his that he flashed when he was feeling all smart. How Chuuya could tell Dazai was so often looking at him when they did something smart. A flash of teeth and a small bounce in his step as he insultingly asked Chuuya what he thought of a plan. Dazai was a fucking asshole, he made a fool out of everyone. He didn't seem to care if they were friend or foe to him, he made them look foolish all the same. He spun people in circles, cruel and cold. But he looked so adorably confused when Chuuya beat him in arcade games, or when Chuuya wouldn't rise to Dazai's bait. He was cruel and cold, yes. But Chuuya couldn't help but love him all the same.
Washing the stink of love away with flippancy was easier than admitting it. Chuuya was short, brutish and large. Not to mention ginger. But he was passionate, strong, caring as someone in the mafia could be. His hands were full of callouses from fighting and he had that little knob on his finger from where his pen rested when he wrote. He had a small scar on his pinky finger, Dazai always thought it looked like a smile. Chuuya didn't care much about him, hated him in fact. But that was alright, Dazai didn't mind too much. Chuuya was still beautiful as the devil when he was trying to choke the life out of Dazai. He's rather arrogant, priding himself on being such a good combatant. Dazai loved seeing him improve. He was so frustratingly human that it hurt. It hurt, even more, the fact that he couldn't see that fact. Dazai wanted to shake it into him by the shoulders, the fact that he was human. Chuuya trusted him with his life. Dazai wasn't sure what else to do with it other than throw it away.
What was one to do in the situation they had found themself in? Dazai had left, defected and turned traitor to their organisation. Suddenly the hate became real. It hurt, quite a lot, to see him gone. But it was also a release. He didn't have to get ridiculed by Dazai anymore, suffer through his attacks on his pride. He opened a bottle of wine, even. To celebrate the occasion. His biggest headache was gone.
Dazai missed Chuuya. Pushing him away was so easy, but bringing him back would never happen. This was for the best, though. Oda would be glad, that was more important than something so childish.
How wrong they were! To think that love would leave them alone in bitter peace. It was somewhat of a slap in the face, to be paired together again. Chuuya saw the change in Dazai, approved of it. He was still as slimy as always though. But there was a light in his eyes, a different one to the one he had in the Port Mafia. Maybe being one of Fukuzawa's dogs suited him. That fire of hate he had so carefully flamed was going to go out if he wasn't careful.
Dazai was miffed to see Chuuya while he was getting Q. He was still just as short, just as powerful and impressive. He was always so good at this, Dazai had missed watching him dominate the battlefield with ease. It was nice to know that such a monster on the battlefield was just Chuuya. He looked as well as ever, it was good to see him again. He had to be sure he didn't show his care too much. That would be foolish.
No matter how smart Dazai seemed, he was always emotionally hopeless. Chuuya just had to take pity on him. If he had accepted Dazai's invitation to go to some random bar and drink, that was his business.
They looked so hopeful when they asked Chuuya to come along. It was hidden behind his sharp words and insults as usual. Yet they fell flat across the tongue. Chuuya wasn't sure why Dazai wanted to go drinking with him, but Chuuya wasn't going to pass it up.
And that was how they got there. Chuuya, piss drunk and leaning into Dazai's side as they practically dragged Chuuya home. Dazai didn’t respond to Chuuya’s drunken babbling, he probably wasn’t even listening.
"Y'know I fuckin' h-hate you, you fucking...womanizer. The fuck are you doing with...other women-" He paused, planting his feet in the pavement. Dazai came to a stop beside him. Looking at him curiously with a raised eyebrow. Chuuya scowled, raising an unsteady finger and pointing it at his face. "-ACTUALLY!! What are you doing with women in general you fuck. You're mine! Why're...Why're you...hangin' out with these..women...You're mine! Stop...fucking around! You fuck!" Chuuya spat out, wobbling alongside Dazai when he started walking again.
"I...I loved you...Y'know...You...Stupid fuck. Why didn't you love me back? We coulda...Been great...You know. You just hated me so much, at least I think! You, you had this weird look on your face sometimes...When you...Ya know...Looked at me. Almost looked fond. Ha! Fond...Dazai isn't fond...He thinks I'm stupid and...And..." Chuuya trailed off, tears building up in his eyes. He didn't even notice Dazai's gentle smile. The fondness in his eyes as he wiped Chuuya's face with his coat sleeves.
"Ah, Chuuya. I'm so fond of you that people could call it love."
Dazai wasn’t sure what he felt towards Chuuya was love, maybe it was? He wasn’t even sure what love was. Was it something you were born with? Were some people born into the world with love bursting from their mouth and from their hands? Was love pain? Was it suffering? Love wasn't something familiar that was for sure. It was alien, but it felt so right. It felt so right, the way some people's bodies slotted against each other like puzzle pieces. Completing and complementing the other. Did Dazai and Chuuya complete each other? They were two halves of one whole coin. Heads and tails, light and dark, right and left. Love makes you feel trapped, closed in. It made you feel free, with a body that felt light. It made you feel foolish, blood rushing to your cheeks. It felt...nice, terrible at the same time
Maybe they could try this out, this love thing. This thing where they lay their body and mind bare for each other. Stripped of its armour and padding. Let the other touch and feel. Mould and shape. Dazai craved it, he wanted to try it. He wanted to try something new. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt this time.
Chuuya was heavy, despite his height. That must be all the muscle he stacked onto his body. It did not help that Dazai was built like a refrigerator. All long limbs and bones, a little bit of muscle but Dazai wasn't entirely sober himself. If he was a danger behind the wheel when he was sober then he would be even more so when drunk. At least he wasn’t as drunk at Chuuya. Who was tripping over his feet and flopping around like a fish out of water. Pulling him to the apartment and practically throwing him on the couch was an effort. Telling him to stay put as Dazai got a glass of water and forced it down the drunk idiot's throat. Hopefully he wouldn’t have too bad of a hangover in the morning. That was wishful thinking. Dazai needed to get him into the shower, Chuuya was sweaty and filthy from sitting in the dirt. He pulled Chuuya to the shower, sitting him down.
“Have a shower and take off your clothes, I’ll go get you some new ones,” He muttered, unbuttoning Chuuya’s shirt.
"I do not want it." Chuuya spat. Waving his hand around as if Dazai trying to help him was paramount to an annoying fly. Dazai relented, sitting back on their heels and giving Chuuya a dead expression. Chuuya, the asshole, was pouting at Dazai with his arms crossed. He looked like a child like this, his eyes still red from crying while they went up the stairs.
"You need it. You stink of wine."
"That's your fault!!" Chuuya cried, pointing an accusing finger right into Dazai's chest. He kept it there for a second or two, before he decided he had a better idea and threw himself at Dazai.
Chuuya launching himself at them had unbalanced them. Sending him crashing to the floor. His back hit the floor with a soft thud. Chuuya was right on top of him, sprawled on his chest. Dazai's cheeks felt hot, eyes wide as he looked at the body on top of his. Chuuya looked very pleased with himself, giving a smirk and a self-satisfied "Ha!"
His victory didn't last long. As a few seconds later he turned his head to the side and threw up on the bathroom floor. At least it didn’t get all over Dazai’s clothes. But still, Chuuya really wasn’t grateful to Dazai’s kindness at all. Alas, Chuuya was a lowly dog. Dazai, as his master, had to look after the mongrel.
"Hat rack...That's fucking disgusting. What are you? Eh? A toddler? You have the height as one. Maybe I should enrol you in preschool." Dazai griped, pushing Chuuya off and back into the shower. Leaving the idiot to wash, or throw up over himself.
Dazai hoped to god that anything that had been said tonight would not be remembered in the morning. At least he could save himself the embarrassment if Chuuya remembered nothing of the night.
Getting Chuuya dressed and in bed got Dazai five more bruises from his teasing. But he managed it, Chuuya was really stubborn when he was drunk. More so than when he was sober. Also mopey and clingy. Disgusting. Dazai yearned for it so.
"You can't leave," Chuuya stated it like it was the law, hand gripping at Dazai's hair.
"Yes, well. I need to leave so you can sleep. So let go of my hair, Chuuy- Ah! Ah, don't pull on my hair!!" Dazai screeched as Chuuya yanked. Trying to pry Chuuya’s grip off his hair without making himself bald in the process.
"Stay, you gotta stay. You can't leave me...It doesn't make it better."
Dazai really wished Chuuya would shut up.
"Okay, Okay." Stupid fucking hat rack, stubborn idiot. Prideful and stupid idiot that Dazai wished would be his. Dazai had a terrible taste in dogs. Dazai gently prised Chuuya's hand from his hair, putting it down on the bed and ignoring the glare Chuuya was burning at him. "I need to go, okay?"
"Say you love me," Chuuya demanded, turning his nose in the air. That wasn’t what Dazai expected him to say. The way Chuuya stared at him with red eyes made him feel some sort of way. He wanted to say it, had rehearsed it in his head multiple times. Yet it always got stuck in his throat when he tried. Dazai really couldn’t say no to Chuuya, not like this. But admitting it. Saying it, even under false pretences like this. It felt...weird. Like ash on his mouth. It should feel good, but it didn't. It made him feel ill. Dazai swallowed, biting his tongue and taking a breath.
"I love you, I do," Dazai whispered, clasping Chuuya's hand in his own. Resisting the urge to say something to piss Chuuya off some more. if only to distract from how out of his depths he was. How much he wanted to do more but how he was so terribly scared.
"Promise?"
"I promise," Dazai assured, biting his lip in question. He hated feeling like this. He hadn't planned this or known what was going to happen. He hadn’t counted for the fact his heart would be pounding in his chest like this. This territory was uncharted. He didn't know what to do. He always knew what to do. Did Chuuya like him? Could Chuuya like him? Probably not. Dazai was a very unlovable person. He didn’t know what else to do, what to say and how to get his way. It was always so easy before. But now, he felt lost like he was at sea without his sea legs.
Luckily, the body can move faster than the mind, and he leaned up. Pressing his lips against Chuuya's warm forehead with tender gentleness. Mind shorting out as it caught up with what he just did. "I love you. Good night, Chuuya."
Dying seemed even more attractive now.
Chuuya finally let them go. But his eyes burned a hole in the back of Dazais head as he walked across the room to the door.
As he was about to open the door, Chuuya spoke, voice quiet and subdued, "Hey, Dazai?"
Dazai looked back over his shoulder, tipping his head to the side.
"Your lips are cold."
Dazai snorted, “Go to sleep, chibi.” He whispered, closing the door behind him as he went out.