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After watching John pace back and forth, stare into a glass of bourbon, and pace some more, finally disappearing into the hallway she had been warned away from, Zed approaches Chas. His expression is wary, and she knows she won’t get much information from him that she doesn’t already have, unless she gives him some of what she knows.
“I’m worried about John,” she begins, hoping that will draw him out. When he simply raises an eyebrow, she continues, “He took some of the things that happened really hard. Not just his friend’s death, I get that.”
“No, you don’t,” Chas interrupts her. “Don’t assume you know everything, even if you’re psychic. John’s… complicated. Assuming you understand will get you hurt. And possibly other people too.”
She can barely keep herself from snorting at the understatements. She has barely skimmed the surface, she knows, of John’s issues, and says so. “But, I want to help.”
“Then leave him alone, and let him have this,” Chas advises her, somewhat curtly.
“Can you at least tell me where he is and what he’s doing?” she asks, somewhat pleadingly. “He’s supposed to be training me, and I need to know if there’s something I should be copying.” It’s a good argument, and she knows Chas will know it.
He glances toward the door behind her. “There’s nothing you need to be doing. There’s a chapel in there somewhere. He just has some thinking to do, apparently. He mentioned something about seeing someone die. You’re not the only one who gets to see extra information sometimes, remember that.”
Zed is only further fascinated. “What did he see, do you know?”
“Salvation,” comes John’s voice from behind her, and she turns. John is standing in the doorway, in his usual outfit – does the man ever wear anything else? – looking tired but strangely relaxed. Zed focuses for a moment and realizes it’s not just relaxation she sees, but resignation. “The old man at the hospital, I can tell you he achieved the reward he was hoping for.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” she asks, and is surprised when both men look suddenly grim.
“For him, yeah,” says John. “Look, Zed, one of the things you need to be most careful of in this business is your own soul. All the things you hear about how you can damn yourself with this shit, it’s true as they say.” And there’s that resignation in his posture, and suddenly Zed understands what he means. Her hand goes to her mouth.
“You’re saying you’re… but that’s…”
“I’ve been told my chances aren’t all gone yet, love, but I’m not getting my hopes up, let’s put it that way.” She doesn’t know how he can sound so calm.
Out of the corner of her eye, Zed sees Chas’ fists clench as he turns his face away. She can only imagine what it must be like to have one’s best friend going about assuming his own damnation with this kind of resignation.
“That’s so unfair,” she bursts out, as much on Chas’ behalf as her own.
“Life’s not fair, love,” and now John’s voice is bitter. “Thought you were smarter than to expect ‘fair.’”
“Does that mean that if I study… all this… I’m also…” she can’t bring herself to say the word, damned, and she feels like a coward for it. Here John stands, facing his own damnation, and she can’t even utter it out loud.
John shakes his head quickly. “Nah, you have to fuck things up pretty good to end up like me.” She can tell he means more than just the damnation, but she’s going to take this one slowly.
If nothing else, Chas looks like he’s going to explode with anger. Not at John, precisely, but at the situation, perhaps.
John seems to see it too. “Zed, Chas is worried I’ve given up my independence. Here’s the thing you have to understand about the path I’ve chosen and the choices I make, because you may have to choose between this and another at some point. I may be working to solve the rising darkness problem, because I don’t want to see the world I live in destroyed and because I’m not particularly keen on an eternity in Hell, it’s true – but I’ll take an eternity in Hell over servitude to either Hell or Heaven. And the forces on both sides know it. I’m damned, yeah, but as far as I’m concerned, there are worse things.”
As John speaks he raises his head high, his resignation is replaced with determination and, Zed can now see, a deep and burning rage. Her breath catches with understanding: here is someone who has placed himself against the entire system of his universe as he knows it, fully expecting to lose.
No wonder Chas is angry. Anger must be easier than watching this. And yes, Chas has turned away, and Zed realizes he’s hiding his emotions from John. Zed can’t believe John doesn’t see the real issue here, but that’s apparently true: John doesn’t realize that it is eating Chas alive to watch his friend fight this battle, thinking he’s alone against the world.
She aches for both of them.
She’s also genuinely impressed, despite herself. It may not be her path, but John’s is clearly a brave one, though she shivers inwardly to think of the consequences of walking it.
As John brushes past them, briefly laying an awkward hand on Chas’ arm, she decides to watch and wait and learn. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll be able to support them in what they do.