Chapter Text
Max’s gaze flickered back and forth between his two classmates, finally piecing together the puzzle that had been gnawing at his mind for the better half of the semester. Suddenly, he was analyzing everything they’d said.
Marinette? She's just a friend.
I do like him but he doesn’t see me that way. Besides, there’s Kagami.
Come on m’lady, just one date. Are you scared you’ll fall too fast?
Stop calling us a couple! You know I’m interested in someone else.
And it finally hit him.
“Oh my god. They’re idiots.”
Kim turned his head to face Max during his sudden epiphany, dropping the pencil he was precariously balancing between his upper lip and his nose. “Huh, dude?” He surveyed the classroom to see what his best friend was talking about before spotting the embarrassing scene that was unfolding in front of them: Marinette was trying to invite Adrien to the classroom picnic and, as usual, was doing a horrible job of doing so. “Oh, them again.” Kim huffed out a sigh and turned his attention back to the tedious task of balancing the pencil once again.
Had he said that out loud? Max hadn’t realized he had voiced out his epiphany until he heard Kim’s reply. Once he had time to somewhat process the facts laid out in front of him, he frantically scribbled on a piece of paper before folding it and turning to face his seatmate. “The philtrum is no place to be balancing things, Kim.” He said with a hint of malice in his tone, “Hand this over to Ivan and tell him to give it to Alya.”
“Ooooo secret love note? The girl has a man, you know.” Kim teased while reaching over to pass the note.
Max circled his temples with his fingers at the accusation. “I would remind you that you’re an idiot if I didn’t think you were joking. I hope you’re joking for your sake.” Kim responded to Max’s threat with a jumbled murmur as the former’s attempt to speak was hindered by the pencil resting on his upper lip. He realized Kim was now also attempting to balance his English textbook on his head. “Everyone here is an idiot, except for her. I am sure of it.” His whispered hopeful insult fell on deaf ears as the students scrambled to their seats at Miss Bustier’s arrival.
After class ended, Max motioned for Marinette to leave when he noticed her standing by the door as she waited for her best friend. “I’ll catch up with you in a second, girl. Me and Max just need to discuss the..uh...History assignment.” If Alya noticed her friend’s confusion, then she chose to pay it no mind as she frantically waved her goodbye. Marinette left with no protest, respecting Alya’s obvious plea for privacy.
“There was no need to be so dismissive, I’m sure whatever you wanted to tell me Marinette could know as well. What was that about anyway? Why’d you send me such a cryptic message?” Alya posed the question as she held up the now crumpled note that read Meet me after class and don’t tell Mari.
“First of all, it’s Max and I, not me and Max. Surely Miss Bustier would be disappointed at your horrendous lack of basic grammar knowledge.” Alya rolled her eyes and started making her way down the staircase when Markov stopped her in her tracks, blocking her while hovering near her face at eye level.
“...Second of all…” Max continued, although Alya’s back was still turned towards him, “...I specifically instructed you to not tell the bug about this conversation, so no it’s not something she could ‘know as well’. After all, it is about her and Adrien.”
Alya’s curiosity was enough to stop her from leaving the conversation unfinished, but it wasn’t enough to NOT address the hostility in Max’s tone. “Tell your dog to stand down...” She turned around and faced him now, annoyed at how close Markov hovered nearby, “and don’t call my best friend a bug.”
“Would you prefer I just call her Ladybug?”
Alya stumbled back at the accusation. “You don’t seriously think Marinette is Ladybug?”
“Can we skip the part where you act like you don’t know?” When he realized Alya wasn't going to back down that easily, he sighed before adding, “ If I'd known how stubborn you were going to be, I would have prepared this ahead of time. Markov?” The tiny robot now hovering near Max perked up at the mention of his name.
Markov excitedly chimed in, “Yes, Best Friend?”
“Calculate the probability of Ladybug being Marinette Dupain-Cheng.” Max annoyingly asked.
“According to my calculations, the probability that Marinette Dupain-Cheng is Ladybug happens to be 100%.” Markov happily answered.
Alya suspiciously let out a breath she was clearly holding and visibly relaxed at the nondescript answer. She nervously shot back, “that's bogus. No proof or anything?”
Max was (unsurprisingly) genuinely annoyed by her response. Is it not clear to her that I’ve confirmed my suspicions long ago ? “I really have to convince you that I know? Ugh, the reporter in you can be so infuriating sometimes. Very well, present the facts, Markov.”
And present the facts he did. “Given Ladybug's physical traits, Marinette’s frequent disappearance, and DNA extracted from both females, they are the same person. The percentage of you, Alya Cesaire, being aware of this fact is 87%. I estimate that Marinette has informed you of her secret identity 53 days ago. Since then, you’ve covered for Marinette during Akuma attacks 11 times, have received the fox miraculous 23 times, which is a 76% spike than before, and your civilian relationship with her as both Ladybug and Marinette has gotten stronger. You’ve conversed with Ladybug and Marinette 183 times in the last 53 days as both Alya and Rena Rouge.
The fox heroine stumbled back at the accusation. Not because it was incorrect, but because she was at a loss for words of what to say other than, “what the fuck. Max, this is creepy.”
“It’s pure statistics, nothing creepy about it.”
“When have you had time to harvest her DNA. And holy shit Markov is...perceptive.”
“I only did that after I had semi-confirmed her identity, so what’s the harm in an extra science experiment? And Markov is the first nonhuman to get akumatized and the first Akuma to bluntly disregard hawkmoth’s mind control while akumatized. I’m very aware of his capabilities.” He added the last sentence dismissively and continued, “now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I suppose it’s time to discuss the important matters at hand.”
“Which are?”
“The peculiar love square situation occurring between Marinette and Chat Noir”
“Love square? What does Chat Noir have to do with this? Oh my God, does Markov know his identity too?”
“Oh, I always doubted whether you knew Chat Noir’s identity. It’s Adrien Agreste, as Chat Noir, who likes Ladybug. While Marinette, as Ladybug, likes Adrien. Hence the term ‘love square’.”
“What the fuck.”
“It’s quite obvious, actually. Pretty much the same reasons as Marinette, except his kwami actually attempted to hide his identity, unlike Ladybug’s kwami. I mean ribbons instead of hair ties? Seriously? Chat Noir’s kwami changed his hairstyle which makes him distinct from his Adrien persona. Furthermore, his new eye shape masks the old, making him extremely unrecognizable in that aspect.
“Leave it up to you to question a mini God’s stylistic approach in how they dress up their warrior.” The young reporter was shocked at the casual delivery of this life-changing information.
However, Max didn’t have the patience to wait around. “I would love to give you more time to process the fact that Adrien is Chat Noir but I’m afraid we have 3 minutes left in our conversation.”
“What happens after 3 minutes?” Alya asked as she quizzically surveyed the classroom.
“I’m going to walk out of this classroom to get lunch.”
“This is insane. You’ve known their identities the whole time and managed to put up with them running after each other like that?”
“It has been an unpleasant experience, to say the least. Watching those two is insufferable”.
“So, what do we do now?”
“We need to work on a detailed plan to get those idiots to realize they have feelings for each other, I can’t take this anymore. Contact me once when you arrive back home so we can discuss what we can do at tomorrow’s picnic.” At that, Alya nodded and walked out of the classroom.
“It’s really impressive how gullible humans can be sometimes.” Markov chimed in once Alya was gone.
Max walked over to his desk and started packing his belongings. He picked up his English textbook and paused, making direct eye contact with the levitating robot. “All those statistics were made up?”
“Every single one. Harvesting someone’s DNA is not within my programmed capabilities.”
The boy lightly chuckled at the comment. “It’s not like we can tell her that the miraculous is meant to trick human minds, not robots. Can’t go exposing all our secrets now.” He held up his fist and offered it to Markov.
“That we do! Let’s go Best Friend?”
“Let’s go.”