Chapter 1: The One Where It All Starts
Chapter Text
It was a really, really long story, but basically Peter was on a group chat with a bunch of villains, and some crazy stuff went down.
That's it.
The End.
...
Oh?
You want to know the story?
Even though it's really long?
Well then, here we go.
Basically Peter saw on the news that 60 something % of criminals captured by Spider-Man got away before the police arrived, because the webbing holding them in place had dissolved. So Peter decided that, instead of relying on traumatised and/or injured victims to call the authorities, he'd get a private Spidey phone purely for that purpose. Of course, it wasn't long before someone at the police station leaked the number, and soon it was all over the news. Spider-Man actually had to do an exclusive interview just to tell people to stop texting or trying to phone him - his phone was for emergencies only, and 911 should always be the first resort, as there was no guarantee he'd be looking at his phone when someone messaged him (he had to leave it on silent at the bottom of his bag during school). The public grudgingly agreed to his terms, on the condition that he make a social media account so his fans could still contact him.
So Spider-Man had a phone, and that was all well and good. Until Shocker texted him in the middle of patrol.
Hey SM, tried to rob a bank on 5th street but it went wrong, can you come arrest me plz
wth???
5th street. bank. come quick
this is shocker btw
if this is a trap its a really bad one
no im serious someones going to arrest me and id rather it was you
ur more fun to fight
the avengers will be here soon plz hurry
Peter took a long moment, then decided why not, and swung to 5th street. Sure enough, there was a hole blown in the wall of the bank and Shocker was trying to free himself from under a piece of rubble. Spidey webbed him up before pulling the rubble off him, keeping an eye out for any trap. But his sixth sense stayed quiet, and after a short fight when Shocker managed to get free of his bonds, quickly won by Spidey due to the villain being already weakened, Spider-Man was handing over Shocker to the authorities just as the Avengers showed up.
Later that day, Peter got another message from the same number as he was doing his homework.
thanks mate
uh sure
anytime ig???
Peter didn't really want to do his homework, so he decided to keep texting.
aren't u meant to be in prison atm?
Yeah and I am but we're allowed phones
Didn't know that
Sure
What u doing rn?
Stuff
SM stuff?
Normal person stuff
yk its weird thinking of you as a normal person
same with you
like I only ever see you when we're fighting
I guess I forget you're a normal person sometimes as well
ikr
hey do you think we know each other irl?
hah that would be ironic
hey you seem quite chill
thanks?
still not entirely sure why im texting you
eh me neither.
Want me to add you to our group chat?
'our?'
Yeah
Me, Vulture , Electro, Goblin, Sandman and Lizard
We have another one with Kraven and scorpion and mysterio and doc oc but they kinda hate u so probably not
You don't hate me?
Nah you're more of an inconvenience.
But ur more fun than the other heroes so meh
....im honestly not sure whether to be offended or flattered
So u in or not?
Ur being serious??
Yeah
You know what
sure
why not
**Spidey has been added to We're Not Evil We're just Weird**
Shocker: Yo guys I got Spider-Man to agree to join us
Vulture: ...why
Sandman: nahhhhh I don't want to spoil him
Sandman: what if he's really boring when he's not fighting crime?
Spidey: Guys I'm right here
Spidey: Still can't believe you have a gc
Vulture: Don't u heroes have one?
Spidey: idk I think the avengers do but im not there yet
Shocker: srsly? I think ur wayyy cooler than the avengers
Spidey: awwww thanks <3
Spidey: that means a lot coming from someone who aSkEd Me To ArReSt HiM
Sandman: U whatttt
Spidey: that's exactly what I thought!!
Shocker: Hey it was him or the avengers
Shocker: I stand by my choice.
Sandman: fair
Vulture: U guys are weird
Spidey: no they have just been enlightened
**Spidey has changed the group name to Spider-Man Fan Club**
Vulture: Nonono
Vulture: Put it back.
Spidey: no I like it
Spidey: S buddies, what do u think?
Sandman: i've changed my mind I like having him on here
Shocker: see?
Spidey: <3
Spidey: oof I gtg
Sandman: why is there a fire?
Shocker: a robbery?
Vulture: a mugging?
Spider: No my takeout just arrived -_-
***
Peter was actually doing his revision after dinner when his spider phone pinged again and he once more decided that homework was overrated.
**Spider-Man Fan Club**
Electro: Hey I thought V said we couldn't call the chat this
Electro: Did he join the true believers at last?
Goblin: Oh not this again
Goblin: hes a hero
Goblin: we're the villains
Goblin: I will kill him when I get out of here and then you'll be free of his stupid influence
**Electro has removed Goblin from the chat**
Lizard: About time
Lizard: Please no-one add him again
Sandman: guysssss
Sandman: Stop embarrassing usssss
Electro: wdym???
Shocker: -_- read the earlier messages ^^^
Lizard: ...
Electro: ...
Electro: omg you put SM on this chat?????
Spidey: uh hi
Electro: ....hi
**Electro has deleted two messages**
Spidey: well this just got awkward
Spidey: I feel like I just witnessed a criminal domestic and im not sure where to hide
Shocker: nah Gobby had it coming
Spidey: yEs my nickname stuck!!!
Spidey: I have fulfilled all of my life goals
Lizard: So how come SM is allowed on here?
Lizard: I thought the criteria was u had to have broken the law but not be a psycho
Shocker: well technically vigilante justice is illegal
Spidey: ...way to make me feel good about myself
Spidey: thanks bro
Vulture: The rules are pretty loose anyway because pretty sure goblin is not not a pyscho
Spidey: So are all u guys in prison rn?
Shocker: Well you know I am
Lizard: Me too
Sandman: 3
Sandman: also hi again
Shocker: Vulture got out a few days ago
Spidey: oki, i'll tell Iron Man to keep an eye on his toys
Vulture: Please don't
Spidey: ha you actually think iron man would listen to me, the illegal vigilante
Sandman: aw shocker u made him sad
Spidey: Its fine ;-;
Shocker: Im sorry bro
Spidey: no problemo
Spidey: so where the others at?
Shocker: well electro is MIA
Electro: ;)
Shocker: and Goblin has a life sentence which is why he's so annoyed at you
Spidey: annoyed??? did you mean: *full of murderous intent towards-
Electro: So Spidey what u up to?
Spidey: well rn im texting you
Spidey: but in a sec I need to go to bed
Spidey: illegal vigilantes need their beauty sleep too
Shocker: aw gn
Electro: Night
***
Peter turned off his phone, then thought about what he was doing and shook his head. Only he could get himself into this kind of situation. Nevertheless, he went to sleep that night with a smile.
He joined in the general mayhem on the chat in the evenings or when he was bored on patrol for several months, but neglected to tell anyone about its existence. What harm could it do, he thought. About that...
**Weirdos in costumes**
Spidey: hey guys I have good news and bad news
Spidey: good news is I found electro
Spidey: bad news is I found electro
Electro: sorry bro
Spidey: sOrRy?
Spidey: you fried my entire suit -.-
Lizard: He did say sorry
Spidey: sorry doesn't cover it
Spidey: He killed Karen!
Electro: Who?
Spidey: My AI friend
Spidey: If I can't get her back online you'll be in big trouble sir
Spidey: also why'd you have to get away
Spidey: ur making me look bad :(
Electro: yeah well you were winning I wasn't going to hang around for that
Electro: And I'm sorry for killing your AI
Spidey: '_'
Spidey: You will be
Electro: oh is that meant to scare me?
Sandman: idk but it scares me
Sandman: hey guys we've known each other a long time now
Sandman: and I want to share my name if that's ok
Electro: good on you go for it :)
Sandman: Flint
Spidey: Thanks for sharing, nice to meet you Flint :)
Spidey: Does this mean you won't try to kill me next time we meet?
Sandman: No
Sandman: Sorry
Spidey: no hard feelings, it was worth a shot
Electro: ur turn Spidey
Spidey: yea no
Spidey: im good thanks
Sandman: awwww
***
Spidey: yo any of you free to help me rn?
Shocker: you put me in jail so no :[
Spidey: and again, YOU LITERALLY ASKED FOR IT
Spidey: Well anyway there's a burning orphanage in the city centre and the building's about to collapse
Spidey: Please help
Shocker: We're criminals that's not really how it works
Shocker: We don't really do helping
Shocker: Although, if I wasn't in jail right now I would actually come
Sandman: he's gone bro
Shocker: I know
Shocker: it must be really hard to be a hero
Shocker: so much responsibility
Shocker: taking is easier than making, yk?
Later......
Vulture: not. a word.
Spidey: but-
Vulture: no
Spidey: :(
Lizard: What happened?
Spidey: Vulture came and helped save the children while I held up the building ^-^
Vulture: >:(
Shocker: awwwwww
Shocker: what's it like playing hero?
Vulture: It actually felt quite good
Spidey: aww <3
Vulture: Up till the moment they EMPd my wings and slapped shackles on me -_-
Shocker: ....not cool bro
Spidey: hey don't blame me
Spidey: I told them you were helping
Spidey: I'd offer to testify in court but as Shocker so kindly pointed out -> iLlEgAl ViGiLanTe
Shocker: ....not cool bro
***
Peter was watching the news one morning over breakfast when a news report came on over breakfast showing footage of him working with Vulture to rescue the orphans from the burning building. Of course it was J. Jonah Jameson presenting a hundred and one conspiracies about how Spider-Man was secretly working with the energy to get famous, and generally being pretty mean. Peter knew better than to let the reporter get to him, but it still stung a little.
**Randos with powers/brains (we don't judge here)**
Shocker: Hey Spidey how you doing
Shocker: Spidey
Shocker: Come on man I see you reading these
Shocker: You know you can talk to us
Vulture: Hey im sorry about that footage
Spidey: Its not your fault
Spidey: I asked for your help
Vulture: Still
Spidey: No
Spidey: I don't care what stupid JJ says
Spidey: we saved those lives and nobody is going to make me regret that
Spidey: Not even JJJ and his menace lectures
Shocker: Ur not still watching it are you?
Shocker: Bro
Shocker: Turn off the tv
Vulture: Adrian Toomes
Shocker: What?
Vulture: It's my name
Vulture: Just thought you should know
Spidey: This is probably going to sound weird but do you by any chance have a daughter
Vulture: Actually I do
Spidey: Is she called Liz?
Vulture: Do you know my daughter?!? 0-0
Spidey: omg I know your daughter 0-0
Shocker: how the turns have tabled
Vulture: Wait but she and her mom moved to Oregon when I got arrested the first time so how-
Spidey: Well duh I knew her before she moved to oregon
Vulture: how do you know my daughter?!?!
Spidey: I ain't telling you!!!!
Vulture: ._.
Spidey: o_o
Vulture: ...fine
Spidey: Hey that's r00d im not a freak
Spidey: Im just talented
Shocker: I TOLD YOU TO TURN OFF THE TV
Spidey: Hey you know what's ironic?
Vulture: What?
Spidey: JJ tried to hire civilian me a while back
Shocker: wHAt?!
Vulture: why?
Shocker: what did you do?
Spidey: I said no
Spidey: and because he saw some of my photos and liked them ig
Vulture: You do photography?
Spidey: Well it takes my mind off the boredom and mind-numbing coldness of patrol when there's no crime and you can get some good shots from the tops of tall buildings
Shocker: See this is the good thing with being bad: you make your own crime entertainment
Shocker: Also why did you say no you could get a job and then assassinate JJJ
Spidey: ok 1)Spider-Man doesn't kill people
Spidey: and 2)how was I going to explain pictures from tall buildings?
Vulture: he has a point
Spidey: Any of the rest of you have these weird issues with double lives?
Spidey: because the other day
Shocker: yes?
Shocker: Spidey?
Vulture: ...
Spidey: hey im back sorry
Spidey: mugging
Spidey: anyway I think I was going to say that like JJ hates Spidey but liked civvy me, there's this guy I know who absolutely hates me normally but SM is his idol and it makes interacting with him unbelievably awkward
Shocker: oh oof
Shocker: I've had some near misses but nothing like that
Shocker: that's just funny
Spidey: oh sorry I gotta go
Shocker: Why?
Spidey: Electro
Shocker: Ah
Shocker: I was just going to say we haven't seen him for a while
Spidey: Yeah well he's back and looking very glow-y
Shocker: hey shouldn't you be going to fight him?
Spidey: I am
Shocker: Don't text and swing!
Vulture: no dying before you tell me how you know liz
Spidey: It's ok Karen is doing speech to text for me
Spidey: btw electro when you read this later in prison Karen's okay which is the only reason you're still alive to read this
Vulture: I thought Spider-Man didn't kill people
Spidey: yeah well im sure I can make an exceptiooooof ljkvcdshgdhcjk wq
Shocker: hmm
Shocker: hope Electro doesn't kill him
Vulture: yeah I still need my revenge
Later......
Electro: Spoiler alert he won
Sandman: Aw man
Electro: But I got in a few good hits ;)
Spidey: eXcUsE yOu
Electro: Oh so you did survive
Spidey: YOU THREW A CAR AT ME
Spidey: REPEATEDLY
Electro: Well you're still alive right
Spidey: YOU BROKE THREE OF MY RIBS
Sandman: ouch
Sandman: must suck to have ribs
Lizard: Don't you have super healing?
Spidey: Just because I have fast healing doesn't mean it doesn't HURT
Spidey: Oh great my ribs are no longer broken so even though it still hurts to BREATHE I still have to get out of bed -_-
Electro: Just go to the hospital and get some pain meds
Electro: At least you're still free
Spidey: If you wanted to stay out of prison then stop ATTACKING PEOPLE
Spidey: Also how can I go to the hospital ad get pain meds whilst explaining that I have fast healing which is why my ribs are no longer broken and I need a double dose because I have fast metabolism without revealing that im secretly an illegal vigilante -.-
Sandman: sucks to be you
Electro: hey he's not the victim here!
Electro: I'm the one in a cage!
Spidey: Tell that to my ribs
***
Peter had managed to get a real internship at SI not long after Tony had realised how smart the kid was. He'd quickly worked his way up the ranks until he was acting as Mr Stark's personal intern. One weekend he was staying over to help with a project, and he decided to bring his Spider phone with him. After all, if any emergencies came up he might be free to go out quickly as his alter-ego.
He quickly regretted his descision.
**Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Electro: ^ really guys?
Shocker: I was bored
Shocker: Is anyone out in the wide free world doing anything interesting today?
Electro: None of us are left in the wide free world thanks to SM ._.
Shocker: okay Spidey you doing anything interesting
Spidey: yes now shush im trying to focus
Sandman: spill
Sandman: what are you doing
Spidey: cmon guys shut up I can't text now
Spidey: And I can't mute my emergency phone
Shocker: not until you tell us where you are
Shocker: spill
Shocker: spill
Shocker: spill
Shocker: spill
Sandman: spill
Shocker: spill
Spidey: saying you guys are like five year olds would be an offence to five year olds everywhere
Spidey: I'm at Stark tower trying to look good in front of an avenger now leave me alone
Shocker: aw Spidey's growing up and leaving us behind i-i
Sandman: yeah he's in the big leagues now he doesn't want to consort with us criminals anymore T-T
Shocker: Hey I've never seen inside Stark tower have you?
Electro: No :3
Sandman: are you thinking what im thinking?
Shocker: Yes
Shocker: Hey Spidey can we video call?
Spidey: no
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Spidey: guys nO
Spidey: I'm working!
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Spidey: hey he's looking at me now stop it
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Spidey: you guys!
Spidey: You're making me look bad in front of Mr Stark!
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Spidey: ok im ignoring you now.
Spidey: byeeee
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
**Incoming video call from Revenge for Spidey's ribs**
Shocker: He's gone.
Electro: You know I really want to see Tony Stark
Electro: I wonder what he's like when he's not playing the boring techy superhero
Electro: :3
Electro: What do you guys think?
Shocker: ...wait
Shocker: I thought you couldn't use your powers in that special cell
Electro: Well it stops me from turning into a crackling electric rage monster but small things I can still do if I concentrate ;3
Electro: soooooo
Shocker: Yes. Do it.
***
"Are you sure you want to keep ignoring that?" Tony asked Peter as they worked in the lab, Peter's emergency phone buzzing with each text that came in.
"Yeah, it's not important."
"If you say so." The mechanical object started smoking, and they rushed to put it out.
Peter's ringtone sounded again and he gritted his teeth, ignoring it.
Then there was a distinct accept noise, followed by the sounds of other people on a video call.
There was a moment, then the hologram screen engaged and an image of Electro appeared above the spider phone. He looked around, gaze passing over Peter and Tony.
"I- is that Electro?" Tony looked horrified. "I thought this guy was back in prison."
"I'm still in prison, don't worry." Electro said distractedly. "Where's Spider-Man?"
"Don't you see him?" A crackling voice came from the phone. Shocker. Peter pretended to look frightened and shocked (pun intended).
"Where is he?" Electro asked again.
"He just left to go to the loo," Peter stuttered out. Electro's attention switched to him.
"Who are you, kid?"
"U-uh-"
"Hey, leave my intern alone and stay away from Spider-Man." Tony strode towards the hologram, and Electro vanished. The video call hung up.
Tony rounded on Peter.
"Mr Stark I can explain-"
"I told you, if there's a high level villain like Electro after you, you need to tell me," the older man glared, and Peter wilted. "I'll get his cell security doubled, and have his phone confiscated."
"N-no, that's really not necessary Mr Stark-"
"No arguments. Let's take a break now, I'm going to grab a coffee."
As soon as Tony left the room, Peter pulled on his Spider-Man mask and sent an unimpressed selfie to the group chat.
**SM's rejects**
Spidey: Really guys?
Spidey: Really?
Electro: It was worth a shot
Electro: where were you, and why was your phone in Tony Stark's personal lab
Spidey: we were talking about upgrading my suit and giving Karen a makeover
Spidey: And I went to the loo for oNe MiNuTe
Spidey: And when I came back Stark and his intern were traumatised and im not getting an upgrade now ;-;
Spidey: so thanks
Shocker: sorry Spidey, but you never tell us anything about you so...
Spidey: yeah well anything I tell you you'll just use against me
Spidey: not exactly a great grounds for trust
Electro: I have no regrets
Spidey: You will when they confiscate your phone
Electro: wHat?!
Spidey: Wasn't my fault, Stark's just super protective of his intern ig
Spidey: and Shocker, if you ever try anything like this again, next time you ask me to arrest you I will Leave you. For. The. AvEnGeRs. You hear me?
Shocker: Loud and clear *salutes*
***
It took a couple of weeks but eventually their group dynamic returned to normal. Not long after that, Peter had his first identity crisis.
**RIP Electro's phone**
Shocker: Hey guys I'm getting out today!
Sandman: No fair! I've been in here for ages and Spidey only put you in like 6 months ago!
Shocker: Well yeah but I was only charged with attempted robbery and some property damage.
Sandman: And I tried to destroy the whole city. I know, I know.
Spidey: Congrats shocker!
Spidey: don't want to ruin the mood, but could you maybe take a week off before you go robbing banks again?
Spidey: I've just got a lot going on atm
Vulture: Anything we can help with? Job issues? JJ?
Sandman: Toomes has finally joined the fan club!
Vulture: No I just want to know how he knows my daughter
Spidey: No, no, and no.
Spidey: Girlfriend issues
Spidey: Or the lack thereof
Shocker: oooooooo
Spidey: oh hush
Spidey: how do I ask out a girl who's been my close friend for 3 years?
Shocker: You. Me. Pub.
Spidey: She won't like that.
Shocker: No I mean do you want to meet up later when I get out.
Shocker: If u don't want to be seen with a villain I can come as myself
Spidey: ....
Spidey: I'm really touched, honestly
Spidey: But I can't
Spidey: I don't drink
Vulture: Why not?
Spidey: ...... I'm underage :D
Sandman: Ha lol
Sandman: like a kid could take me down
Sandman: tell another joke
Spidey: heh no im all out.
Spidey: And im really sorry I can't make it shocker
Shocker: It's okay
Shocker: And I was planning on taking a week off anyway
Spidey: tyyyyyyy <3
Chapter 2: The One Where a Funeral is Planned
Chapter Text
It had been just over a year since Shocker added Spider-Man to a group chat with some of his criminal buddies, and Peter was having a slight existential crisis as he considered the fact that he would consider most of them his friends, even though they were all older than him, knew nothing about him, and were criminals. About a month ago, Lizard had left the chat (he had never been very active anyway) and not long after that, the last of the members had been freed from prison. Well, excluding Sandman, who had a life sentence. To be fair, so did Electro, but he'd found a way to escape. It was Vulture who'd been released. That's probably what I should have started with. So Shocker, Vulture and Electro were back at large.
In the past few months since his release, Shocker and Spidey had tangled a couple of times when Shocker attempted larger robberies than his usual grab-and-runs from corner stores. However, the vigilante had failed to bring in the criminal so far. He tried his best to treat him like any of the others and not hold back in their fights, but as a decent human being he had an issue with punching a friend with his super strength, even though that friend was in the process of breaking the law and electrocuting people. Cue the existential crisis.
Luckily, Vulture had been pretty under the radar. Spidey had a hunch he was easing out of the criminal business and trying to return to an honest living whilst still upholding his criminal reputation. Electro had also been absent on the streets, but that was less of a good thing, as it usually meant he was biding his time before a big attack.
The criminals had mostly figured out Peter's timetable, although they assumed he was working when his phone was off, and knew to mostly text in the evenings, night, or early morning.
**Vulture's Armpit Buddies**
Electro: Hey Spidey I saw you fighting Batroc yesterday, are you cheating on us?!
Shocker: Spidey! How could you!!!
Spidey: Honey, this isn't what it looks like!
Spidey: Also you saw that?
Electro: I see everything. >:)
Spidey: Well I'd hardly call it a fight. I was bored and Batroc was there
Spidey: I didn't even get any good hits in before he was unconscious
Spidey: He knocked hImSeLf out trying to jump away -.-
Spidey: At least you guys have brains
Sandman: hahahaha XD
Sandman: I mean technically I don't have a brain
Shocker: or ribs, we know
Sandman: I miss seeing you guys, and fighting Spidey ;-;
Sandman: How come you haven't broken me out yet???
Shocker: No offence, buddy, but last time you were free you tried to destroy the city, and I live here
Electro: ^ sorry bro
Spidey: I don't think I need to explain why I can't do that
Sandman: Prison is boringggg
Spidey: So is patrollll
Sandman: Let me out and I'll make it more interesting??
Spidey: NoPe
Shocker: Let's play Never have I ever~
Vulture: That game is stupid
Shocker: Just in time V!
Shocker: text an x if you've done the thing
Shocker: Never have I ever left a date early
Vulture: x
Spidey: x
Shocker: spill
Vulture: My first date when I was a teen, I got too nervous and ran out
Spidey: I literally just arrived at a date and then had to go stop V there from stealing a planeful of stuff from Mr stark
Vulture: You should have stayed at your date :)
Shocker: Is this the girl you told us about before?
Spidey: No
Shocker: Did you ever ask her out?
Spidey: No
Spidey: She asked me out
Sandman: yooooooooo
Shocker: Ur turn V
Vulture: -_- Never have I ever lied about my age *cough Spidey cough*
Shocker: x
Sandman: x
Electro: x
Vulture: Spidey??
Spidey: Yea?
Vulture: Remember you told us you were underage once
Spidey: who said I was lying?
Vulture: -.-
Spidey: Never have I ever been in prison >:3
Electro: -_- x
Vulture: -_- x
Shocker: -_- x
Sandman: -_- x
Sandman: New mission - find something Spidey hasn't done
Electro: Never have I ever been 'normal' i.e. fully human
Spidey: x
Shocker: x
Vulture: x
Vulture: Huh so you weren't born with powers?
Spidey: heh no but can you imagine a spider baby crawling around on the ceiling
Sandman: XD
Sandman: Never have I ever killed someone
Sandman: But not for lack of trying
Electro: x
Vulture: x
Spidey: x
Shocker: 0-0
Shocker: Spidey do you have something you'd like to share with the group?
Spidey: If you really must know, the reason I became a hero is because someone died because I was too lazy to stop it
Shocker: That's not murder tho
Spidey: You never specified murder
Spidey: Someone died because I didn't prevent it. I killed him
Electro: You feel guilty for someone else murdering a guy?
Electro: That's your hero backstory?
Electro: Really????
Spidey: that guy was my father figure -.-
Sandman: oof
Shocker: omg guys have some respect
Shocker: Spidey I'm really sorry
Spidey: It's okay it was a long time ago
Spidey: But Vulture I'm surprised at you?
Vulture: It was an accident; one of my weapons malfunctioned
Vulture: Still have nightmares about it
Sandman: ;-;
Shocker: Okay Never have I ever lifted a whole building
Shocker: (ur going down Sandman)
Sandman: x
Spidey: x
Shocker: ok now ur just lying
Shocker: When would you have an opportunity to even do that
Sandman: Holding up bits of a building doesn't count
Spidey: It was Vulture's fault
Vulture: It's true, I did drop a warehouse on him and he's still here so someone must have lifted it
Shocker: Aight I give up he's done everything.
Shocker: Come fight me Spidey or I'll rob this store on 24th
Spidey: Really :/
Spidey: But fine
***
Electro: Guyssssss I'm boredddd
Sandman: Don't u have an evil masterplan or something to work on
Electro: Yeah but I can't do it for another whole monthhhhh
Shocker: Well what do you want to do??
Electro: I want a fight
Electro: Spideyyyyyyyyyyyy
Shocker: He's not online ;-;
Electro: Can we do the thing?
Electro: **puppy dog eyes gif**
Shocker: Really?
Electro: **puppy dog eyes intensify**
Shocker: Oh fine
Vulture: What are you doing?
Electro: Villain team up
Electro: Want to join?
Vulture: Sure, why not
Shocker: Spidey better show up tho
Sandman: You guys had better plan it on private
Electro: No we want a fight
Electro: He might ignore us, but he can't ignore lives at risk
Shocker: what are you suggesting?
Electro: V we're going to need your tech
Electro: We're going to plant a bomb at the train station >:3
Vulture: Meet you there in ten?
Shocker: Yup
Electro: On my way
20 mins later.....
Electro: SPIDEYYYYYY
Electro: THERE'S A BOMB IN THE TRAIN STATION AND ITS GOING OFF IN TEN MINUTES UNLESS YOU GET HERE TO DISARM ITTTTTT
Spidey: Huh?
Electro: ... give it a sec....
Spidey: WAIT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Spidey: GUYS I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP WHAT AREYOU DOING
Sandman: 9 minutes left :)
Shocker: Where are you?
Spidey: DO YOU KNOW HOW LOMG IT TAKES TO GET INTO THIS COSTUME?
Spidey: I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE STATION IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES!!!!
Electro: Better make a new record then
Spidey: csugiqhkjwhcvoikbvmcdxl
Spidey: >:(
Sandman: Can you guys see him yet?
Electro:. .......
Electro: He just appeared on the horizon
Sandman: Five minutes left
Shocker: Should we extend the timer?
Electro: Where's the fun in that?
Shocker: oof he just slammed into a building face first
Sandman: ouch
Spidey: Okay you guys asked for this
Electro: For what?
Electro: no
Electro: You did NOT
Shocker: bEtRaYaL
Shocker: HOW COULD YOUUUUUUU
Sandman: What's going on?
Sandman: ...
Sandman: Did he get there in time?
Sandman: Did you fight?
Sandman: Did the bomb go off?
Electro: no >:[
Sandman: What happened?
Spidey: Where are you guys, I just arrived
Shocker: Hiding :|
Sandman: WHY??????
Sandman: Tell me what's going onnnnnn
Electro: He called the Avengers
Spidey: Correction- I called Mr Stark
Sandman: Not cool dude
Spidey: Neither is planting a bomb in a train station
Spidey: I wasn't going to let people die just because you were impatient for a fight -.-
Spidey: I'm grounding you all from fighting me for the next two weeks
Shocker: You can't do that
Electro: But spideyyyyy
Sandman: Harsh bro
Electro: Heroes are no fun :(
***
A few weeks after that, Peter went on a three-day residential school trip for a geography project. Because he was going to be with his class the whole time and had promised Ned he wouldn't run off as Spider-Man this time around, he left his spider phone at the apartment, powered off. When he got back for the weekend, he had a date with MJ then helped May repaint the kitchen before going to his internship at Stark industries and staying the night. It was past lunchtime on Sunday when he finally checked his messages, and boy he had a lot of catching up to do.
***Spidey's funeral planners***
**Wednesday lunchtime**
Vulture: Hey Spidey, saw your fight with Goblin on the news, you good?
Vulture: You'd better not be dead before you tell me how you know Liz ;)
Shocker: Yeah bro that looked painful, hope you're recovering :)
Sandman: ^^^
**10 minutes later**
Shocker: Seriously mate you still alive?
Shocker: Please reply, just let one of us know ur okay
Shocker: I'm probably just being stupid, but Goblin's on the main chat bragging about how he killed Spider-Man
Electro: Yeah man I went over all the footage and that was quite a hit, nobody saw him after that
Sandman: Not like Spidey to leave a fight unfinished...
Vulture: You guys are just being paranoid, remember I dropped a building on him and he survived, he's not an easy bug to squash.
Sandman: Did V seriously just... pun?
Electro: He did. HE DID
**one hour later**
Shocker: Spidey
Shocker: Spidey
Shocker: I know you're not at work or whatever right now
Shocker: Look at your phone.
Electro: Chill, surely the news would be freaking out by now if they'd found a body.
Shocker: You're right.
Shocker: I'm just worried about my bro
Sandman: Yeah what's the point of leaving jail if there's no Spider-Man to fight?
Shocker: U~U
**the next day (Thursday)**
Vulture: Spidey please tell Shocker ur alive just so he can get Gobby to shut up on the main chat
Vulture: It's getting very annoying
Sandman: Yeah and I have nothing else to do all day but read those messages so pleaseeeee
Sandman: I would genuinely pay you to text back right now just so we can all laugh at him
Electro: Yeah I swear if you let Goblin kill you before I got to come back in all my glory ur going to regret it
Shocker: I mean a bit stronger than what I would have said but yes please
**Friday**
Electro: Spider-Man hasn't been spotted for 3 days now, crime is on the rise and he's not even trying to stop it
Electro: This might actually be it
Shocker: No. No way.
Shocker: He can't die, he's Spider-Man
Shocker: He's too important to die.
Shocker: People like him die in big self-sacrificial ways, not with one mysterious hit
Vulture: Do you think his family know?
Electro: Does he even have family?
Electro: He never talks about them, and he said his 'father figure' died when he was young
Shocker: What about his girlfriend? Reckon he'd tell her his identity?
Sandman: Are you guys seriously just accepting that he's dead?
Sandman: Maybe's he's just recovering
Shocker: Even so, surely we should check?
Shocker: Do you think Tony Stark knows his identity?
Electro: no way are we going to Tony Stark about this
Shocker: guys....
Sandman: yeah?
Shocker: what if he was actually serious about being underage
Sandman: ...no way
Shocker: It's just a thought. I was scrolling back through the chat to see if he ever dropped any hints.
Vulture: So what do we know?
Shocker: well he has a girlfriend, has had at least one other date, knows Toomes's daughter Liz, his father figure died in front of him and he blames himself, has never been in prison, knows Tony Stark personally, hasn't always had powers.
Electro: not much to go on
Sandman: not really. I vote Stark
Electro: We are NOT going to Stark.
Vulture: Let's sleep on it
**Saturday**
Electro: Still no sighting, I checked.
Vulture: I phoned my wife and daughter yesterday, when I spoke to Liz I asked if she knew any older men, she said no.
Vulture: she seemed really confused but said she didn't really 'know' anyone over 20
Shocker: Are you saying he was actually a minor?
Vulture: I'm saying it's a possibility
Electro: No minor deaths have been reported in this area in the last week.
Shocker: So he might not be dead!
Electro: Are you just going to ignore the fact that we've been talking to a minor all along?
Sandman: He could be dead and just rotting on a street corner somewhere
Shocker: .............
Vulture: Thanks for that image, Flint.
Vulture: exactly what we all needed right now.
Sandman: Hey are any of you secretly rich?
Shocker: I don't steal stuff for fun, you know -_-
Vulture: ^^^^^^^
Electro: I mean I have access to every bitcoin in existence, but I don't think that counts.
Electro: Why?
Sandman: Idk I was thinking we could fund an anonymous memorial or something
Sandman: He was a hero after all, he deserves to be mourned.
Vulture: Pretty sure there's a one-week missing period before you can legally declare someone dead.
Shocker: You know I only added him to this chat for a laugh, but I'm going to miss him, minor or not.
Sandman: Same
Vulture: ...me too
Sandman: So are you going to talk to Tony Stark?
Electro: bye
**Sunday morning**
Shocker: I phoned SI, asked for Stark.
Sandman: Did you talk to him?
Shocker: no, I got laughed down by the receptionist D:
Electro: XD
Electro: Hey V noticed you left the other chat
Vulture: Yeah Goblin was getting insufferable
Sandman: Yeah if he says one more thing about the world being a better place, I don't care about prison I will HUNT HIM DOWN
Electro: ^^^
**Later**
Shocker: I really miss him ;-;
Sandman: Spidey?
Electro: who else, sand-for-brains?
Shocker: I'd give anything for him to just show up right now and ask what he missed
Sandman: same :/
Spidey: Hey guys, what did I miss?
Shocker: ....
Sandman: ....
Shocker: IF THIS WAS ALL A PRANK I STG-
Spidey: Okay let's all calm down
Vulture: Explain yourself right now.
Electro: Spidey!!!!!! Where have you BEEN?
Sandman: Missed u bro
Sandman: Much prefer you not dead
Spidey: Awwww I didn't know you guys cared so much
Spidey: Also talk about coming back to 3251789382r3 messages
Vulture: EXPLAIN
Shocker: You'd better have been in a coma for the past week or something
Spidey: Long story, really.... I went on holiday and left my phone behind
Shocker: ....... you've got to be kidding me.
Spidey: Hey you're the ones that decided I was dead
Spidey: Bit drastic ngl
Sandman: But Goblin- The fight-
Spidey: What, that?? It was just a scuffle, he thought he'd found a way to disable my powers but the needle didn't even get through the suit, and I didn't have time to finish it off because I needed to go pack, so when he threw me halfway across the city I took the opportunity to change and go home ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Shocker: --_--
Shocker: You were on holiday.
Shocker: This entire time
Spidey: Well, think of it more as a... business trip?
Sandman: Did you forget your phone or leave it deliberately??
Spidey: Deliberately, can't have my companions asking why I have two phones now can I
Spidey: Although I might have to work on a new way around that, the police messaged me yesterday after I was back in town and I didn't see it
Sandman: were they asking if you were dead too?
Spidey: No they just wanted some help with something, and I was free but didn't see it :/
Spidey: Not everybody automatically assumes the worst case scenario y'know, although I'm touched :)
Vulture: Well now you're not dead, want to explain the whole being a minor thing huh?!?!?!
Electro: Vulture dad vibes kicking in ;)
**Electro has changed the group name to Spidey's Murderous Parents**
Spidey: heh I thought you decided to not believe that
Vulture: I'm waiting...
Spidey: Yes I'm a minor I already said that
Spidey: big deal
Sandman: how minor is minor?
Shocker: oh man Vulture you dropped a building on a seven year old
Spidey: jeez louise I'm not that baby
Electro: How old are you then?
Spidey: I'm a big boy now :D
Spidey: also not telling :P
Shocker: Can't believe I've been texting a child all along
Spidey: Hey don't forget this 'child' can beat you all in a fight
Sandman: I was beaten by a twelve year old ;-;
Spidey: nOt TwElVe
Shocker: ten?
Spidey: If you really must know I'm seventeen now can we please change the subject?????
Shocker: SEVENTEEN?!?!?!
Vulture: you're younger than my daughter 0-0
Vulture: and I tHrEw YoU oFf A pLaNe
Spidey: Subject change????
Electro: Sure thing, does your girlfriend know your identity?
Spidey: I've never actually told her but I'm 90% sure she's figured it out
Shocker: do you have a home? you mentioned your father dying so are you in care?
Spidey: No I still live with family
Spidey: now ENOUGH WITH THE PERSONAL QUESTIONS OR I WILL STICK THIS PHONE TO THE TRAIN TRACKS AND WATCH IT sHaTtEr
Sandman: ooooo, baby spider is feisty
Spidey: shut up
Chapter 3: The One Where A Kidnap Takes Place
Chapter Text
**Men who beat up children**
Electro: Is school over yet Spidey?
Shocker: Would you like a glass of milk and a cookie?
Sandman: Got much homework tonight?
Vulture: Honestly if I didn't know better I'd think you were the children here.
Spidey: thank you
Spidey: and yes I would like a cookie please
Electro: Would you like some gummy bears too?
Spidey: would you like a fist in the face?
Shocker: ooooooooo
Peter closed his phone, smiling, and pulled on his mask. He was a little annoyed that a bunch of villains knew his age, but he had nobody to blame but himself. He'd become closer to them all and texted more frequently, having modified his normal phone to fit two SIM cards but never show notifications from his Spidey phone unless a second password was entered. He'd also put in a speaker that pinged at such a high pitch that only he could hear it with his enhanced senses, so there wouldn't be another incident like the geography trip one.
"There is activity in the city centre," Karen alerted him almost immediately.
"Got it," he swung in that direction. It was Electro - of course it was Electro. "HEY UGLY!" Spidey yelled. "Can't believe you looked!" He laughed as Electro swung his head towards him.
Spider-Man cautiously landed on the pavement in front of Electro, who was just larger than a normal human person rather than a giant rage-monster. Either that was good, or very very bad.
"Spider-Man," Electro grinned.
"Electro," Spidey said warily, suddenly aware of how this was a villain who knew a massive secret about him, not just a bodiless text on a screen. "What are you up to now?"
Electro suddenly burst out laughing and Peter just stood there, stunned. "Is there something on my face?"
"I-I'm sorry," he wiped sparks from his eyes. "I just can't take you seriously."
"Well that's just rude," Spidey shot a web at him. Electro dodged but didn't retaliate.
"I can't fight you," Electro wheezed, shaking his head. "Want some gummy bears?" He doubled over in laughter again. Spidey stood there, unimpressed, until Electro turned into pure energy and disappeared into a lamppost.
"Karen, tell me there's someone around here I can actually fight."
"It appears that Batroc is robbing a watch store nearby."
"Perfect."
**Gummy bears. Really?***
Spidey: I have a new favourite villain.
Sandman: I'm guessing it's not me
Spidey: Batroc
Sandman: WHAT
Electro: Hey that's not fair
Spidey: at least he fights me instead of rUnNiNg AwAy
Sandman: Why what happened
Spidey: Electro just stood there and laughed at me
Spidey: which is rude.
Electro: XD XD XD
Sandman: oh dear.
Electro: I couldn't hurt a child!
Electro: I mean I could and I have done but not Spidey!
Spidey: That didn't stop you throwing cars at me before you knew
Electro: In my defence I needed to get away so I could prepare my revenge
Spidey: Revenge on who?
Electro: Well it wouldn't be fun if I told you
Electro: Besides, it doesn't involve you
Electro: Stay out of it.
Vulture: Electro, really?
Electro: What?
Vulture: I just watched the news.
Electro: Oh that again.
Vulture: Hardly very mature of you
Sandman: V you sound like a dad
Vulture: I am a dad >:(
Spidey: Thank you!!!
Spidey: Why are you siding with me tho
Vulture: Because I want to know how you know liz
Spidey: You know what y'all are immature babies and I'm going to find some gummy bears
Sandman: Awwwwwww don't goooo
Spidey: bYe
Sandman: Bye Spidey!
Electro: Hey guys I'm gonna make another chat in case any of you want to join in with my revenge (Spidey not included)
Peter sighed as he read the last message. Today had been an important reminder - these villains weren't his friends. They couldn't be. He'd become way too relaxed around them, even letting them know one of Spider-Man's biggest secrets, but they were dangerous and he couldn't let himself forget that.
School continued as usual, and life on the chat was as normal as it could be. Spider-Man's patrols were mostly unremarkable, and although he was a little worried about this 'revenge' Electro and the others were planning, everything was fine. Until he got a direct message from the Vulture.
Peter was in the shower after patrol when he heard the super high-pitched notification sound which meant he had a Spidey alert. There was only one, which meant it might be from the police or a victim instead of the group, so he finished up quickly and hurried over to check his phone.
**Chat with: Vulture**
Vulture: You're Peter Parker, aren't you?
The world seemed to freeze, the moment stretching out for an eternity as Peter stared at the message, horrified. This was exactly what he'd feared. How could he have been so stupid?
A minute or two passed before the second message came through, and Peter thought carefully before replying.
**Chat with: Vulture**
Vulture: I won't tell anyone, don't worry.
Spidey: What
Vulture: I had suspicions for a while, but it wasn't until I talked to Liz last night that I figured it out
Vulture: I knew her Homecoming date ditched her on the same night you came to fight me
Vulture: And when she showed me a photo after I asked yesterday I recognised you as Stark's intern from that stunt Electro pulled
Vulture: ...
Vulture: Spidey?
Spidey: I'm not really sure what to say.
Spidey: Why are you telling me this?
Spidey: Do you want something?
Vulture: Of course not!
Vulture: I thought you knew I wasn't like that any more.
Spidey: I hoped, but...
Vulture: I wouldn't have said anything, but if you really are Peter... The revenge that Electro's planning involves you.
Peter stared at his phone. Of course. Okay, maybe the Vulture - Toomes - had decided to side with him. He could use that. They talked for an hour, maybe more. Peter was careful not to ever confirm whether he was Peter Parker or not, always referring to himself in the third person. Toomes didn't mention it, which Peter appreciated.
Despite his initially being against the idea of getting revenge on Tony Stark for no particular reason, the others didn't hesitate when Toomes had a change of heart and requested to join the plan. He ferried details to Spidey, and when the time for the revenge to come into action arrived, he was ready.
***Patrol Team***
Peter: Hey bro, feeling ill, won't be in school tomorrow
Peter: Mind telling the teachers?
Ned: Thought you didn't get ill, is everything okay?
Peter: Just feeling ill
Ned: If you got stabbed again I'm phoning Tony Stark
Peter: He's in Wakanda for a conference, no outsider tech allowed in the city
Peter: So good luck with that :)
Ned: You got shot didn't you
Peter: I didn't
Peter: No bodily harm
Peter: Yet
Ned: So what's wrong with you?
Ned: WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YET'
Peter: Thanks for letting the teacher know, gtg :)
Ned: PETER DON'T YOU DARE-
Ned: Aaaaand he's gone
Peter bought a cheap new phone and hid his real one in the sole of his shoe, made sure his supersuit wasn't in his bag, then set out on his new daily walk around the block - a different route every day. What? If he was going to be kidnapped, he wasn't going to make it convenient.
When Shocker leapt out into his path and electrocuted him, he didn't have time to react - which was probably a good thing because he wasn't sure he'd be able to resist a pun.
Peter came to somewhere dark, and pretended to be unconscious for an extra minute to avoid suspicion whilst deciding he was alone - for now. Finally, he opened his eyes. There was a dim bulb set into the ceiling and he was on the floor of a basement room. It was carpeted and surprisingly clean, with whitewashed walls. As suspected, his bag and 'phone' were gone.
"Hello?" He called, sounding like the scared nerdy kid he was expected to be. "Is someone there?"
There was no reply - as planned. After all, the kid intern locked in a room wouldn't be a threat to anyone.
Smirking, Peter pulled his phone out of his boot, keeping an ear out for any approaching footsteps. Before opening the texts, he used his GPS to double check Toomes had given him the right address.
***Shreksophone is cursed and you cannot convince otherwise***
Spidey: Basement on the edge of town?
Spidey: Real original, guys.
Electro: What-
Shocker: How do you know that?
Spidey: Maybe you shouldn't let my age lead to you underestimating me
Electro: Stay out of this.
Spidey: Oh, I plan to.
Spidey: If you think Stark's intern can't look after himself then you're sorely mistaken.
Sandman: ooo I love a bit of drama
Shocker: Maybe we should go check on the kid
Shocker: If he gets away before Stark gets back from his conference the whole thing will have been for nothing
Vulture: Wrong chat, idiot.
Vulture: But I'll go check.
Electro: No, I can get there fastest.
Spidey: Well good luck.
Spidey: Even I can't stand the guy for more than an hour
Spidey: Welp takeout just arrived, gtg :D
Sandman: The fact that Spidey isn't freaking out should probably terrify you
Shocker: Trust me, I am suitably terrified.
Hastily, Peter tucked the phone back into his shoe and grabbed a wire and a button from an inside pocket. He fiddled with them, pretending to make something. He heard the crackling of Electro growing closer, but only reacted when he heard the lock click, spinning around.
"Finally! It's about time. Where am I? Who are- Oh cool, you're made of electricity! How does that even work? Surely you would just be grounded every time you touch something?"
"What is that? Drop whatever it is you're holding, kid!"
"Mr Stark calls me kid," Peter mused, but dropped the wire and button and stepped back, hands raised. "How are you even sentient? ARE you even sentient? How do you retain your shape if-"
"Shut up."
"Mr Stark tells me to shut up too, I don't think he likes me much. Hey, do you have any food? I'm hungry. Do you eat food?"
"Kid-" Electro took a menacing step forwards.
"What if you're the answer to the world energy crisis?"
Electro roared in frustration and left, slamming and locking the door behind him. Peter gave a quiet sigh of relief - if he had come much closer, Electro would have been able to sense the battery in Peter's hidden phone.
Sad but aware that it was the best way to annoy his captors and fulfil the plan, Peter reached up and hastily unscrewed the lightbulb, plunging himself into darkness. He pulled another bit of wire and some other components from where he'd hidden them in his clothes, and got to work. After all, escaping was easy - first he had to make sure they would never try kidnapping him again.
***All children are demons, fight me.***
Shocker: Everything okay over there E?
Electro: Other than the kid being super annoying and having some wire V's tech should have picked up, yeah.
Sandman: Lol imagine if he'd actually managed to escape
Electro: No way he's actually dangerous, Spidey's probably just messing with us.
Shocker: Yeah, he knows we won't hurt the kid until Stark gets back
Shocker: And even then he'll be ransomed off before we can do anything
Shocker: Right E?
Shocker: Electro?
Shocker: You there bud?
Shocker: We can't hurt a ten year old.
Shocker: ELECTRO
Electro: OH MY HOLY MILKSHAKE
Electro: (There are minors on this chat don't question it)
Sandman: What happened?
Electro: THE KID BLEW SOMETHING UP
Electro: I checked on him, confiscated his wire and left, everything's fine.
Vulture: So why are you swearing at us?
Electro: BECAUSE I LEAVE THE ROOM FOR THREE SECONDS AND THERE's aN eXpLoSiOn!
Sandman: hOw?
Electro: idk Somehow he used the lightbulb to make a bomb!
Electro: I went back in and there's a circle of bare stone and charred carpet around this device that must have malfunctioned or something
Vulture: Maybe Spidey wasn't exaggerating then 0-0
Sandman: What did you do?
Electro: Told him not to try anything like that again or he'd be chained to a wall?
Electro: I took away what was left of the bomb. Felt a bit bad leaving him in the dark, but if I give him a torch or some glow sticks he'll probably use them to make a nuclear weapon
Sandman: Wish I was there, this seems so cool
Spidey: Don't let it be said I didn't warn you guys~
Spidey: that intern made my AI in under a week
Vulture: That's not possible
Spidey: That's what I thought, but Stark insists he didn't help O-O
Spidey: Hey I'm bored let's play a game
Electro: Hey I don't know if you noticed but we're currently in the middle of something?
Spidey: Hehe ~current~ly
Spidey: Are you busy right now??
Electro: -_-
Electro: If the game's called 'let the kid free and I'll send you a :)', then I don't want to play
Spidey: Nono two truths and a lie
Spidey: Unless you're too busy guarding the basement where you've locked up a kidnapped ten year old in the dark
Sandman: I'll play!
Vulture: No
Electro: I'll play if Toomes does
Shocker: Come on V!!!!
Vulture: Fineeee
Sandman: I'll go first
Sandman: 1. I'm in prison
Sandman: 2. I don't have ribs
Sandman: 3. I have a pet cat called Storm
Vulture: 3 -.-
Shocker: It's three
Sandman: Yay! You got it right :D
Spidey: Not sure you've quite got the technique down yet
Electro: Vulture you next
Vulture: FiNe
Vulture: 1. I'm married
Vulture: 2. I know how Spidey knows Liz
Vulture: 3. I have one child
Shocker: Y'all are bad at playing this game
Electro: Obviously it's 2
Sandman: Two!!!
Vulture: Nope! I never actually got married to Liz's mom
Shocker: ...but that means....
Electro: You know how Spidey knows your daughter?!?!
Vulture: Well kind of
Vulture: I have ~assumptions~
Spidey: Hey you might want to go check on the kid again it's been more than ten minutes
Shocker: You're enjoying this aren't you
Spidey: Me? nOoOoooo...
Electro: Someone else can go
Electro: if I hear one more word out of his mouth he isn't going to survive until Stark gets back
Shocker: Nah I am not meeting this guy
Shocker: Vulture you can go you're a dad
Vulture: How is that even relevant?
Vulture: And fine he's just a kid I don't get why you're so frightened.
Peter pursed his lips as he read the last message, even though it was part of the plan. Texting Vulture about his identity was one thing, but how could he keep him uncertain if they met face to face? Peter had alway been bad at acting, and if he had to play dumb Toomes would see right through him.
Decided to prolong the inevitable as long as possible, Peter hid his phone once more and curled up in the dark corner, pretending to be upset. A minute or two passed before footsteps sounded on the stairs. The door creaked open, and Peter kept sniffling quietly as light spilled into the room. Toomes swore quietly when he saw the damage caused by the makeshift explosive, then he noticed Peter.
"Hey - are you okay?" Peter didn't dare look up, but he could hear the concern and suspicion. This wasn't part of the plan. "Are you- do you know the rest of the plan?" Toomes edged closer.
Peter waited, waited... Toomes got within a metre and Peter stood up quickly, holding back his strength as he pushed Toomes back. The man stumbled, caught off guard, and Peter kicked at his shins until he fell.
"Stay down," he warned, then pulled the components they'd agreed upon out of Toomes's bag. Toomes watched him quietly but intensely as he worked, probably trying to decide whether he was right or not. Peter said nothing more than "Count to five hundred," before walking out of the open door with his absolutely useless creation.
***All children are demons, fight me.***
Shocker: So V, is the kid really that bad or is Electro exaggerating?
Shocker: V?
Electro: He's probably being verbally harassed by the child
Electro: Give him a minute, plus an eternity of trauma counselling to get over the experience.
Sandman: XD
Shocker: Hey so it's been a while maybe we should go check on him?
Vulture: GUYS COME QUICK HE GOT AWAY
Electro: WAIT WHAT HOW
Shocker: I'm on my way now O-O
Sandman: 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿
Electro: What happened?????
Vulture: Idk I thought he was crying so I got up close
Vulture: And he attacked me
Vulture: Whilst I was distracted he built this device in about three seconds flat just out of stuff I had on me
Vulture: Then he blasted me with it
Vulture: Next thing I know I wake up and he's locked me in the basement
Shocker: Just reached the place, the front door was busted open and there's this weird device on the floor <click here to see image attachment>
Electro: The little- How did he even attack you?
Spidey: All Stark interns have free self-defence classes offered to them ^-^
Spidey: Look it up
Spidey: Also, I don't want to say I told you so, but... I did tell you so.
Vulture: I hate you
Spidey: Me? What did I do?
Spidey: I'm hurt <3
Vulture: Not you especially
Vulture: Just life in general
Spidey: Mood
Shocker: Do we have a spare key for the basement?
Vulture: The kid didn't leave it in the lock?
Shocker: No?
Spidey: Serves you right for kidnapping a child
Spidey: I hope you've learned your lessons ^-^
Spidey: Or do I have to come over there and arrest you?
Shocker: You'd better not
Shocker: Vulture, give me a minute to go grab my lock pick set
Shocker: Why did we have to invest in such an advanced lock?
Electro: You know what? Forget revenge on Tony Stark.
Electro: Peter Parker is going to PAY
Chapter 4: The One Where Sandman gets Help
Chapter Text
**Chat with: Vulture**
Vulture: Aren't you worried?
Spidey: About what?
Vulture: Electro's revenge on Peter?
Spidey: Why should I be?
Spidey: Like I said before, Peter Parker can look after himself.
***The Fabulous Five***
Sandman: GUYS
Sandman: GUYS GUYS GUYS
Vulture: We're here
Spidey: Sup
Electro: What's wrong?
Sandman: I'm getting out of prison!!!!
Electro: WHAT
Spidey: WhAt 0-0
Spidey: (Also didn't u mean *Watt)
Electro: -.-
Vulture: What's your escape plan?
Spidey: You realise I can't let you do this, right?
Sandman: It's all legal!
Sandman: I'm going to be held in controlled conditions and have anger management training
Sandman: And I'll have power restricting tech and all that jazz
Sandman: But I'm getting out!
Spidey: eyyy congrats!
Vulture: :)
Electro: That's great news Flint
Electro: Just try not to destroy the city this time
Sandman: The only issue is I have to be good
Sandman: Which means I won't get to see Spidey ;-;
Spidey: Hey no I can come visit you sandy
Spidey: As long as you don't laugh at me like the plug socket over there -.-
Sandman: Never
Electro: Really? You're still not over that??
Spidey: Spiders have long memories
Spidey: Or is that elephants? I can never remember :/
Sandman: XD XD
Shocker: Just saw this, good luck Sandman!
Sandman: Thanks guys, this means a lot to me ^-^
Sandman: Anyone else have any news?
Spidey: Actually yes
Shocker: Spill
Spidey: Guess who spent yesterday with the Avengers?!?!
Shocker: ewwwwwwwww
Spidey: C'mon man, it was so cool! They're my heroes!
Shocker: hmph
Electro: I second that ew
Sandman: Did you do anything interesting?
Spidey: Some training, some chatting, some games
Spidey: A tip: never play Hawkeye at Mario Kart.
Spidey: Or Monopoly with Tony Stark.
Spidey: Or cards with Black Widow
Electro: Do they get to know your identity?
Spidey: no
Sandman: What did you talk about?
Shocker: yea did we get a mention?
Spidey: We did have a conversation about out 'worst villains'
Electro: As in most evil or most rubbish?
Spidey: The rubbish kind
Shocker: Pls tell me you didn't choose any of us
Spidey: It was a hard call, but I went for Batroc.
Spidey: I mean, what kind of supervillain chooses being able to jump kinda far as his power???
Sandman: What were the others?
Spidey: Well I forgot most of them but Captain America's was this guy called Red Guardian
Electro: Who?
Spidey: idk, I was going to ask if you guys had heard of him
Spidey: thing is when Cap mentioned it Black Widow just busted out laughing
Spidey: she wouldn't stop until Iron Man started going on about a potato gun kid or something
Shocker: ... okay
Spidey: yeah I had questions too
Spidey: Anywho, class time, gotta run :)
Electro: bye kiddo, don't forget your juice box! :D
Spidey: I'm electing to ignore the previous message -.-
Peter tried to stifle a smile as he packed his Spider phone, replied to a message from Ned, said bye to May and left for school. Lessons passed in their usual slow manner, but before joining his friends at lunch, Peter fired off a few messages to a certain somebody he'd met the day before. The reply was instant, and Peter smiled.
***The Free Men***
Sandman: I'm starting to miss prison
Vulture: No you're not
Sandman: No I'm not
Sandman: But anger management training is so dull
Electro: it's only been two days
Sandman: Feels like years
Sandman: So far I've had to sit through meditation sessions, long, boring talks about breathing techniques, ways to lower blood pressure, as well as legal classes and '1000 reasons why murder and mass destruction are bad'.
Vulture: Okay that does sound boring
Sandman: Also I have to wear this airtight space suit so I can't go sandy
Sandman: And stay in an airtight room that's basically a glorified cell
Sandman: I hate this program
Spidey: Well if you're determined to hate all your instructors then I guess I should quit my new job
Vulture: ...
Sandman: you DiDn'T-
Sandman: This is GREAT!
Sandman: thankyouthankyouthankyou
Electro: Struggling to imagine Spidey giving you a talk about how to count to ten in a stressful situation.
Spidey: No, my sessions are going to be a bit different :3
Sandman: I love this program
Sandman: When will I have you?
Spidey: It's a ~surprise~
Sandman: I can't wait
Vulture: Yes you can >:)
Sandman: Yes I can ;-;
Spidey: One catch: you have to pretend we don't know each other
Spidey: Otherwise I'll get in trouble for chatting to villains, this phone'll be confiscated and I'll be kicked off the program
Sandman: Got it O7
One week later, Peter had finished his after-school training course for dealing with Sandman, and was being sent in for his first Saturday session with the prisoner. Nick Fury himself was coming along to the first meeting to make sure everything went to plan - the methods Peter had suggested were unorthodox at best, but he was sure they'd work. Eventually.
"Sandman, let me introduce today's instructor," Fury stepped into the room, Peter on his heels. Sandman leapt to his feet, then quickly damped his excitement.
"Flint Markov - can I call you Flint? I'm-"
"Spider-Man," Sandman greeted. "I've heard of you."
"Please, call me Spidey. I understand you need to be able to control your powers in stressful situations. So I figured we do some colouring in, a bit of dot-to-dot..."
"What?" Sandman blinked.
"Your face!" Spidey burst out laughing. "I'm kidding, we're going to be doing combat training. Ready? Three, two, one, go!" He launched himself at the suited villain, who barely stepped out of the way in time.
"Wait, I'm not ready!"
"Why not?" He slung a web and launched another attack, sending Sandman stumbling backwards. A red light on his suit flashed and beeped, signalling that he was trying to use his powers.
"I can't use my powers!"
"That's the point," Spidey stopped for a second, going serious. "You have to learn not to use your power when you're stressed, no matter the situation. Every time your suit beeps, you fail. You're not trying to beat me, you're trying to keep your mind and body under control. Try again," he swung a punch at Sandman, knocking his head sideways.
"But you have your powers, this isn't a fair fight!" Another beep sounded as Flint snarled.
"The world isn't a fair place. You just have to think outside the box, make the most of your situation, stay in control and be the bigger person - NOT literally. Use your brain, Flint."
Sandman groaned. Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Stop trying to use your power," Spider-Man didn't let up his attack.
"I'm not trying to! It just happens when I'm mad," Flint snarled, firing a punch that Spidey dodged with enhanced agility. Beep. "Stop doing that!"
"Stop doing that...."
"...please?"
Spider-Man stopped attacking.
"What?"
"Well done, you passed."
In the corner, Nick Fury's eyebrows rose.
"But people aren't going to stop attacking me because I asked nicely!"
"But that's not why you're training. You're not going to be attacked, at least not physically. These sessions are about finding the best way to handle any stressful situation sensibly and without using your powers. Sometimes the best thing to do is just ask for what you want."
"This is stupid."
"I'm glad you're enjoying it. Next challenge!"
***Free men***
Sandman: Spidey I hate you
Electro: I'm guessing it didn't go well?
Sandman: It was horrible. He kept playing these mind games
Sandman: And putting me in stressful scenarios and expecting me to be able to think
Shocker: Welcome to the real world. Stressful situations are part of the norm, my friend
Sandman: But I wasn't allowed to use my powers, and every time I try the stupid suit bEePs
Sandman: Which really doesn't help my stress levels!
Shocker: That's probably part of the point.
Shocker: Normal people don't have powers to get rid of the stress.
Electro: It sounds horrible but I can see where Spidey's going with this.
Spidey: Thank you
Sandman: -o-
Spidey: What? I thought you'd enjoy a change from meditation
Sandman: I thought you'd be less annoying irl
Electro: I could've warned you about that one
Shocker: ^^^
Electro: The only person I've ever met more annoying than Spidey is Peter Parker
Electro: Not that he'll be around for much longer
Sandman: Glad I never have to meet him
Spidey: You might want to hold off on killing Stark's intern for a bit, E
Electro: Because you need more time to think of a way to stop me?
Spidey: Because I want to introduce Sandy to him next week :D
Sandman: Did you not see what I just said-
Shocker: As part of his self-control training? Pfff
Spidey: No, as a way to make the power-suit more practical.
Spidey: After Fury debriefed me I went to talk to the intern, that's why I was offline for so long
Spidey: He thinks he can make it more efficient, so movement will be easier.
Sandman: 0-0
Sandman: Electro you'd better not kill the kid until I'm out of this astronaut costume
Electro: I'll think about it D:<
Spidey: Good :D
Sandman: Also bye my next session is starting
Electro: bye :)
Spidey: Bye Sandman! Good luck
Spidey: Hey, maybe if this goes well with Sandman, the rest of you will see the error of your ways and let me convert you to good (I'm looking at you electro) :3
Shocker: Not likely, but nice try XD
Spidey: But unless you're all good we'll never be able to have cake together ;-;
Spidey: And who doesn't love cake?
Vulture: Me
Shocker: Oh hey V
Shocker: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE CAKE
Vulture: I'm lactose intolerant, and dairy-free cake is nasty
Spidey: 0-0
Spidey: No wonder you're a villain and hate the world.
Spidey: Life without cake must be hOrRibLe
Shocker: No chocolate either 0-0
Shocker: My condolences, V
Shocker: All these years I never knew how much you were suffering ;-;
Vulture: Yeah yeah, it's not that big a deal
Spidey: No chocolate cake not a big deal?
Spidey: bLaSpHeMy
Peter spent as much time as he could in the lab developing the new tech for Sandman. The materials for small cuffs would take too long to prepare, so for now he stuck to slightly clunkier gauntlets and a helmet that would hopefully do the same job.
"Hey Flint, I have a present for you!" Spider-Man trilled as he walked into their fourth training session alone. "Stark's intern has given me these as a prototype. We're not sure how effective they'll be, so please don't kill me if you get your powers back." With that, Spidey bonked Sandman on the head, knocking him out for just long enough to get him out of the suit and into the new gear.
***Milk: the biggest enemy of them all***
Spidey: Okay but you have to admit that was fun
Sandman: That was horrible
Vulture: Here we go again T-T
Vulture: Also who changed the group name back?
Vulture: I swear I've already gotten rid of it twice -.-
**Vulture has changed the group name to I Regret Everything**
**Electro has changed the group name to Ice-cream: the best traumatic backstory**
**Vulture has changed the group name to Electro you traitor**
**Electro has changed the group name to Chocolate: A tragedy in three parts**
**Vulture has changed the group name to Please stop**
**Electro has changed the group name to Cake and V: the top unrequited love story since Romeo and Juliet**
Sandman: Omg guys STOP
Sandman: This was meant to be MY rant session >:(
**Spidey has changed the group name to This gc IS my traumatic backstory**
Spidey: There, it's beautiful
Vulture: -.-
Electro: -.-
Spidey: So, what exactly was your issue with my training this time?
Sandman: It was so boring!
Spidey: Only because you kept trying to use your powers!
Spidey: At least with the new tech you can spar with me properly
Sandman: But did I really have to sit down and count to one hundred every time the infernal device beeped???
Electro: ouch
Spidey: There had to be some kind of punishment/incentive!
Shocker: it probably could have been a lot worse
Spidey: ^^^^
Sandman: Sparring is no way near as fun as actual fighting tho
Spidey: the whole POINT of these sessions is to stop you from wanting to fight
Sandman: So how come you're rewarding me with sparring sessions?
Spidey: Because sparring and partner drills are more about quick thinking and tactics than brute strength
Spidey: Plus, once you're free it'll be a good way of releasing pent-up frustration
Spidey: If you remember to pent it up, that is.
Sandman: Who's going to want to spar with me though?
Spidey: I will
Sandman: Really?
Spidey: It's good training for me too, remember?
Sandman: It's not like they'll ever let me go anyway
Spidey: I beg to differ: the past couple of sessions you've tried to use your powers a lot less.
Spidey: And when all your instructors had a meeting the other day quite a few commented that they'd noticed an improvement in your self-control
Spidey: It might not feel like it, but you are getting better, and eventually you'll earn your own freedom.
Sandman: ...
Shocker: ...
Electro: ...
Vulture: ...
Shocker: Y'know, sometimes it's really hard to remember that Spidey's the youngest one here when he does the whole wise old man routine
Spidey: Thank you :]
Spidey: ...I think
**Blame Goblin, it wasn't me**
Sandman: You know what I'm not going to complain about this session.
Spidey: I knew they were growing on you!
Sandman: No it was as painful as ever but I figure we've been attention hogs so it's somebody else's turn
Sandman: Electro what's up w/ u?
Spidey: you have a point
Spidey: sorry everyone ;-;
Sandman: Electro??
Shocker: He's not online
Sandman: Ah ok ;-;
Sandman: In which case how are you doing, Shocker?
Shocker: Not much happening over here. I've been trying to keep things quiet so Spidey isn't distracted from training you
Sandman: tysm <3
Shocker: And also bc I know exam season is coming up
Spidey: thanks for the reminder, hate it <3
Spidey: seriously tho I appreciate it :)
Shocker: Np, I've got enough saved to last me a month or 2.
Sandman: Appreciate you bro :D
Sandman: Vulture you done anything interesting lately?
Vulture: Yes actually
Vulture: Liz and her mom came to visit for the first time since I got out of prison
Shocker: How did it go?
Shocker: I know it can be tough sometimes ;-;
Vulture: About as tense as you'd expect but it was good to see them
Vulture: I guess I can't expect them to forgive me
Sandman: *hug*
Sandman: How's your daughter doing?
Vulture: ok I guess
Vulture: she didn't say much but her mom said she's settled into her new school really well and did well in her finals last year
Shocker: That's good to know
Sandman: :)
Shocker: :>
Vulture: ....
Vulture: Wellll this got awkward quickly.
Vulture: Shocker I know next to nothing about you tell me something
Sandman: Actually yeah we don't even know your real name
Shocker: That's because it's ridiculous
Spidey: More ridiculous than your costume?
Vulture: Like you're one to talk
Shocker: Yeah at least my suit actually serves a purpose
Sandman: it does????
Shocker: oof I forget you live under a rock
Sandman: ...I am a rock
Shocker: It's padded so the vibrations off my gauntlets don't kill me
Shocker: Unlike the rest of you I don't have super powers to protect me so yes, I have to wear this ridiculous costume
Vulture: *apparently no longer exists*
Sandman: Sorry if I upset you ;-;
Shocker: it's ok it wasn't your choice to have powers
Spidey: you could just,,, not be a criminal
Spidey: Then you wouldn't have to wear it
Shocker: And I'm going to eat how, exactly?
Sandman: ANYWAY
Spidey: (I just want to say V don't tell anyone but I think ur suit is actually fairly cool)
Spidey: (a lot cooler that sOmE pEoPlE's)
Vulture: (thanks, I agree)
Shocker: (I can see you -.-)
Sandman: *ahem*
Sandman: ANYWAY,,,,,,,
Sandman: Shocker I'm sure your real name isn't that bad
Shocker: Oh it is
Shocker: I don't know WHAT my parents were thinking
Spidey: We can be the judge of that
Shocker: no, you will not
Shocker: I'm not going to give up my identity just to prove my name is stupid
Shocker: I'm not THAT shallow
Spidey: awwww ;-;
Shocker: -.-
Shocker: Don't think I don't know you'd send the police after me the moment you knew my name Spidey
Shocker: Once a hero, always a hero
Spidey: bLaSpHeMy
Vulture: He'd just use it as blackmail to make you get a legal job
Spidey: ......
Spidey: he's not wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sandman: XD XD
Spidey: So do you think I should be concerned about Electro's silence?
Vulture: probably
Shocker: u should worry more about that intern Peter
Sandman: E YOU BETTER NOT TOUCH HIM TIL IM FREE
Spidey: ...
Sandman: um because i want to thank him for his help not because im planning on engaging in any illegal activities haha?
Vulture: ....very believable
Chapter 5: The One With The Octopus
Chapter Text
Flint Markov aka Sandman almost groaned as the clock neared the next training session - then he remembered it was the session led by Spider-Man, and perked up. Of course, he'd never admit it to the hero but he did look forward to their time together.
The door slid open, but it wasn't Spidey who entered. Instead it was an unfamiliar boy with white skin and brown eyes and hair.
"Who are you?" Flint asked, fighting the urge to rally his power against this unknown threat. Remember your training. Brains over brawn. It was most likely that Spider-Man was hiding and waiting for that cursed beep his gauntlets made so he could give Flint another lecture. "Where's Spidey?"
"Oh, um, your session instructor couldn't make it. Mr Stark said he got injured or something?"
"Right. So why are you here?"
"I just need to ask you a few questions, if that's okay?"
**Shocker smells penniesssssss**
Sandman: Guys who took out Spidey -.-
Shocker: Not it
Vulture: I didn't
Spidey: Do any of you guys even watch the news?
Sandman: Oh so you ARE alive
Shocker: ^^^^Read as: Better have a brilliant excuse or you won't be much longer
Spidey: Big fight with Lizard -.- Been in bed all weekend -.-
Vulture: I do actually watch the news.
Vulture: Did you have to blow up the subway?
Spidey: IT WASN'T MY DECISION
Spidey: I WAS ONE OF THE IDIOTS *IN* THE SUBWAY
Sandman: Ok I guess that's fair
Sandman: But come back soon okay?
Spidey: why did you have to meditate without me lol
Sandman: No some random kid came in to ask me questions
Vulture: About what?
Sandman: My powers, my life... After a while he stopped writing stuff down and we had a normal conversation.
Sandman: He didn't seem scared or anything, it was actually kinda nice
Spidey: oh right Stark mentioned that
Sandman: You know who it was?
Spidey: It was his intern, he needed to collect information to improve the new tech he's working on
Sandman: ...
Sandman: That was PeTeR?!?!?!?!
Spidey: yep
Sandman: like.... THE Peter????
Spidey: oui
Sandman: ....
Vulture: I think you broke him
Shocker: pff Sandy made friends with Electro's new nemesis
Shocker: This should be interesting
Spidey: Glad you liked him S, I'm going off grid so u might be seeing him again
Sandman: Wait ur cancelling our sessions?
Spidey: Just for a week or 2
Vulture: Isn't the point of going off-grid to not tell anybody?
Spidey: Well yea but I figured this was safest or u might plan me another funeral :D
Shocker: -.-
Spidey: I'm trusting you to not tell Lizard I'm going after him
Shocker: Whilst we're on the cursed topic of the funeral thing,,,,,
Shocker: Should we be concerned about Electro?
Shocker: There hasn't been a peep for almost a month now
***Sandman started a video call with Electro***
***call declined***
Sandman: ....well.
Spidey: good to know we're loved and appreciated.
Shocker: </3
Spidey: I think we should have the song Electricity at his funeral
Sandman: I second that vote.
Vulture: You realise there are 1000 different songs called Electricity right?
Spidey: we'll play all of them
Sandman: ooh ooh we need AC/DC too
Spidey: YES
Shocker: That's a long funeral
Vulture: Some of those are very upbeat to be playing at a funeral
Spidey: Well we can make it a FUN-eral and have a disco.
Spidey: I'm sure it's what Electro would have wanted ;-;
Electro: YOU GUYS
Spidey: Awww he's not dead the fun-eral will have to wait
Electro: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
Sandman: Not a fan of AC/DC?
Electro: THREE MONTHS IN DEEP COVER AND YOU DECIDE TO PHONE AT THE CRITICAL MOMENT
Spidey: ^ here is a prime example of why I told you I'm going off-grid
Vulture: Sorry I guess E
Vulture: Who were you trying to kill this time?
Electro: Daredevil
Electro: I was three seconds away from cooking the king of Hell's Kitchen
Electro: and you phoned me
Electro: I'm lucky I got away alive but no way he'll let his guard down again
Spidey: Sorry but also I'm glad you didn't kill one of my friends
Spidey: we can have an apology disco to make up for it?
Sandman: oh can we please
Vulture: I think he's gone
Spidey: oof
Sandman: I seriously hope he doesn't decide to make Peter his next target
Spidey: awww Sandy has a soft spot for the intern <3
Spidey: I'm still your favourite tho right?
Vulture: ...
Vulture: I think I'm going to go now too.
Sandman: idk bro u left me
Sandman: and Pete's the one who made all this tech that's made life easier for me...
Spidey: ;-;-;-;-;-;
Sandman: just kidding I still love you bro
Sandman: and *cough* I appreciate everything you've done to *cough* help *cough* me *cough cough*
Spidey: sorry, I didn't quite catch that. mind repeating it? :3
Sandman: Oof gotta go byeeeeee
Spidey: real smooth bro -.-
Spidey: Also here's a thought for when you all stop ignoring me:
Spidey: Why didn't Electro just put his phone on silent?????
Peter felt bad that he hadn't been spending more time making better equipment for Sandman but he thought he had found a way to cure the Lizard, and knew the idea would consume him until he made it a reality. So he'd moved out of Stark's room and into one of the chemistry labs for access to specialised equipment. A few workers and interns were giving him strange looks but most just ignored him. He tested his latest sample, and tried not to be too disappointed when the simulation failed. Again.
Deciding he needed a break, he cleared his workstation and made his way across the city to where Sandman was being held. The guard let him in after a thorough check - it wasn't one of the sessions he was 'covering' but as Stark's intern and head of Flint's tech development, he had authority.
He had to go through the usual number of vacuum-sealed doors before stepping into the main chamber where he was being held.
Flint was in a tree pose, but when he saw Peter he wobbled and fell. His instructor didn't stir, eyes closed and mumbling something about breathing from the core. Peter coughed awkwardly. "I hope I'm not interrupting?"
The instructor finally noticed him. "We're a little busy at the moment. Who even are you?"
"Tony Stark's personal intern. I'm afraid I'm ending your session early; I need to speak with Flint. Alone."
The instructor left reluctantly, and Flint slid to sit on the floor. "Stark's intern, huh?"
"Yeah. Peter Parker, good to meet you."
"I guess you're here for measurements or something."
"Actually no, I'm just bored. I hope you don't mind, that session certainly looked... educational?"
Flint laughed, and then looked surprised at himself.
***Vulture's never had a latte :O***
Sandman: Genuinely Electro if you kill Peter it'll be the last thing you do.
Electro: I'd like to see you try
Vulture: why what happened?
Sandman: He came to talk to me
Vulture: we do that every day
Sandman: yea but
Sandman: he just wanted to chat
Sandman: about nothing
Sandman: like he enjoyed my company.
Vulture: good for you ig?
Sandman: you don't understand this kid is precious
Sandman: he's an orphan
Sandman: and when I apologised for my friends
Sandman: he asked which ones
Vulture: The ones that kidnapped him?? duh???
Sandman: ^ and he says which time
Vulture: excuse me??
Sandman: he's been kidnapped like 10 times
Sandman: so Electro I'll say it again you leave the kid alone he's been through enough
Electro: Or what you'll lotus pose at me?
Electro: In case u couldn't remember it's Peter's fault u can't use ur powers rn
Sandman: No it's my fault for getting arrested.
Sandman: Peter's just trying to make me more comfortable.
Vulture: Sorry go back to the kidnapped 10 times bit
Vulture: How is he still alive?
Shocker: Dude four supervillains (us) tried to kidnap him for being Stark's intern and he got away unscathed you can't convince me we're the only ones to try that.
Shocker: Also hi I'm here now
Vulture: Ok but ten times
Sandman: V tell me you're on my side here the kid deserves to catch a break
Sandman: he didn't even Call the Police that's how Done he is with kinappings
Shocker: ...I didn't even notice that
Vulture: after the experience I had at the kidnapping I can safely say I am firmly against messing with him
Sandman: ThAnK yOu
Electro: 'after the experience u had at the kidnapping' I'd have thought you'd want revenge as much as me
Vulture: Revenge isn't really my thing. Remember some of us are just normal guys trying to keep going.
Shocker: ^^^^
Shocker: Although, I'm definitely down for helping u out as long as I get paid
Spidey: -.-
Shocker: What? You said it yourself, the kid can look after himself. He'll be fine.
Shocker: Probably
Spidey: He's a KID
Electro: So r u doesn't stop me dropping cars on u
Spidey: That says more about you than me tho
Spidey: Sandy, V, I'm proud of you guys <3
Spidey: My systematic villain reformation is coming along nicely
Vulture: You wish >:P
Spidey: can one of you tell oc to wait his turn he keeps attacking and I'm trying to focus on Lizzy rn
Sandman: Sure but I don't think it'll work somehow
Shocker: omg lightbulb moment let's add oc to this chat u can tell him urself
Sandman: NO
Spidey: Shocky bro no I thought we were /friends/ (who only *occasionally* beat each other up)
Sandman: This chat is a safe space you can't just ADD the crazy octopus man
Shocker: 1. Never call me that again spidey
Shocker: 2. you cannot convince me it won't be hilarious
Spidey: You'd better not
***Shocker has added: Otto ***
Spidey: No way
***Spidey has removed: Otto***
Spidey: look for some unknown and probably misguided reason I trust you guys
Spidey: to an extent anyway
Spidey: But I don't want all my villains knowing certain things about me
Electro: Don't worry, we won't tell him you're a baby
***Electro has added: Otto***
Electro: I agree this will be hilarious
Electro: but I'm actually in the middle of something so bye
Electro: if you remove him you'll be going against my final wishes
Spidey: if this is some petty revenge on me then I want you to know I'm giving you the Eyebrows Of Disappointment ft Captain America
Spidey: pffff someone actually caught them on camera *gif*
Sandman: ....wait Spider-Man has eyebrows
Shocker: .....what?
Spidey: ^ did you just realise???
Shocker: nono that's actually a really weird thought?
Shocker: Like.... eyebrows?
Shocker: your eyes are so expressive its weird thinking about you making expressions with eyebrows
Sandman: exactly!!!
Spidey: you guys are seriously weird
Shocker: wait no
Shocker: imagine,,,, eyebrows,,,,, *on* Spidey's mask,,,,,,
Spidey: MOVING SWIFTLY ON
Vulture: ok every time I join this chat I think things can't have gotten weirder since I left
Vulture: but no
Vulture: intern custody battles, doc oc, and now eyebrows? really guys???
Spidey: im glad someone else sees how messed up this is
Vulture: it's messed up on levels beyond their understanding
Spidey: yes but that just makes it funnier
Vulture: ...didn't think you'd actually reply to that
Vulture: okay then
Spidey: ...oops?
Sandman: (am I the only one who's suddenly very lost?)
Shocker: (no.)
Shocker: what are you 2 on about?
Spidey: nothing you need to worry about
Vulture: what you do need to worry about is who renamed the chat this AGAIN
Vulture: I thought we were past the lactose intolerance
Spidey: wait no I had a revelation about this the other day
Spidey: I didn't change it btw just made me think
Spidey: aren't there like meds so people can have lactose stuff?
Shocker: wait yeah that's definitely a thing
Shocker: 0-0 v have you been holding out on us?
Vulture: I had to resort to criminal activities to support my family
Vulture: I'm not going to splurge on unnecessary meds just so I can have milk
Vulture: but for your info, yes, I have actually had a latte before
Sandman: bEtRaYaL
Otto: What kind of joke is this?
Sandman: oh hello there
Sandman: welcome to hell
Shocker: we need to do the initiation
**Otto has left the chat**
**Spidey has added: Otto**
Spidey: oh no if we're doing this you're not getting away that easily
Spidey: we all have to suffer together
Sandman: I didn't know there was an initiation?
Shocker: there isn't you were meant to play along -.-
Sandman: oh (sorry)
Shocker: *rolls eyes* (it's ok)
Otto: Can somebody explain to me what this group is?
Otto: Surely I am mistaken in thinking I have been added to a group chat with a collection of incompetents and Spider-Man.
Vulture: unfortunately not
Shocker: um r00d
Spidey: was that a complement oc? I think it might have been? 0-0
**Spidey has changed Otto's name to: Octo**
Spidey: Much better
Spidey: consider that repayment for earlier
Spidey: btw octavious my good friend on the subject of earlier please wait your turn I'm dealing with someone else atm
Octo: I have had enough of your insolence, boy. I will squash you like an insect!
Spidey: why did you guys not tell me he types like an old man?
Spidey: also spiders are arachnids I thought we were past this, really ;-;-;-;
Shocker: I was right this is comedy gold
Sandman: agreed
Sandman: I gtg for a session now though catch up later
Sandman: (don't have too much fun w/out me ;-; )
Octo: What does he mean, a 'session'?
Octo: I was under the impression our group chats were for bragging purposes only.
Spidey: Seriously? you villains are so boring!!!
Shocker: I didn't make the rules!
Shocker: nobody trusts anyone so nobody ever talks about anything interesting
Shocker: Some ground rules/explanations, Otto:
Shocker: 1) this is neutral ground. petty feuds are allowed, but leave high-level disagreements out of it, the rest of us don't care
Shocker: 2) you don't have to like Spidey irl, but here we tolerate him for entertainment purposes
Spidey: you wound me, I thought we had something real T-T
Shocker: shhh not my fault you grew on us like fungus
Spidey: awwwww<3
Shocker: 3) Vulture is lactose intolerant and bullying him about that is a legal requirement.
Shocker: 4) Sandman is in rehab and being anything other than 100% supportive is unacceptable
Vulture: wow okay I see how it is
Shocker: 5) Electro thinks Stark's intern is demon spawn and Sandman thinks he's an angel so place your bets now
Shocker: 6) No swearing
Spidey: wait that's a rule? is that bc of ykw?
Shocker: partially but it's so much funnier to call someone a nincompoop or toerag or towel rail
Shocker: swearing is so unimaginative
Vulture: Towel rail is a new one x)
Octo: You are wasting my time.
Spidey: Please, like you ever do anything other than plot to capture me
Spidey: btw no you can't trace this phone number
Sandman: lolol
Vulture: yea Electro definitely already tried that
Spidey: so did you V
Spidey: 12 times
Vulture: ......
Sandman: eXpOsEd
Spidey: sorry, I gotta keep track of whoever's trying to track me :3
Vulture: can you blame me for being curious
Shocker: okay well it was on my to-do list but I guess I won't bother
Shocker: hacking isn't my strong point anyway
Spidey: curiosity killed the vulture (thanks ig Shocker)
Sandman: satisfaction brought it back?
Spidey: nice try but no thanks
Sandman: ah well worth a go
Spidey: nope he tried anyway (oc I mean)
Spidey: I warned you it wouldn't work
Octo: Impossible. My technology can bypass any security system.
Spidey: Not this one
Spidey: also there's no gps in my phone, I took it out and stomped on it :)
Octo: That explains it.
Shocker: this is too funny but I need to go, bye.
Spidey: ....punctuation...... shocker.......hmmmm....
Sandman: he's about to rob a bank isn't he
Spidey: absolutely
***3/6 have animal costumes? SUS***
Shocker: it has come to my attention that none of your animal suits are actually furry
Shocker: I think this ought to be rectified post-haste
Sandman: I am equal parts confused and appalled
Shocker: just like this chat is equal parts animal and non-animal costumes
Shocker: Yet none of you have a single scrap of fluff
Sandman: Disgraceful
Vulture: I was wondering how long it would take someone to realise.
Spidey: In my defence spiders don't tend to be fluffy
Spidey: Also it's a theme not a costume
Spidey: On oc's behalf I'd like to say octopuses have no fur either
Shocker: *octopi
Spidey: objection, your honour
Spidey: both are correct so there was no need for your correction
Sandman: objection granted
Shocker: That leaves you, V. Where are the feathers???
Vulture: technically my suit does have feathers in the design
Spidey: I can tell you from experience that said feathers are pointy and decidedly unfluffy
Spidey: not spider friendly
Spidey: bit like oc's tentacles. pretty sure octopi don't have claws
Spidey: y'all need more humane pest control
Vulture: tbf you attacked me first
Spidey: tbf you were selling weapons that were hurting people
Shocker: well that escalated
Sandman: did the robbery go well?
Shocker: depends on your definition of 'well'
Shocker: I got away uninjured so that's a plus, but I'm fairly sure Spidey let me go deliberately because I didn't manage to grab anything before he got there.
Vulture: oh?
Spidey: no comment
Sandman: Defendant is denying everything
Electro: clearly someone's got a good lawyer
Spidey: Ah yes you've met my Very Good Lawyer Mr Bob --> \O/
Sandman: hello Mr Bob how is your day going
Spidey: Mr Bob says it just got brighter, thanks for asking \^-^/
Sandman: awww
Octo: Cease your yammering, I am trying to work.
Spidey: Again, given that most of your work involves mass destruction, that's a hard pass :)
Sandman: take a break and chat with us :)
Octo: Fine. Spider-Man, how did you get your powers?
Spidey: wow straight for the big guns I see
Electro: Pfff
Electro: tbh I'm pretty curious about this too
Octo: Answer me.
Spidey: mhm ok well a spider bit me and I magically got powers
Shocker: ....wow so believable
Spidey: .....it was probably radioactive or smth :)
Octo: Spiders cannot be radioactive. Tell me the truth.
Spidey: I just did :D
**Spidey has changed the group name to Bitten by the hero bug :3**
Electro: give up oc he's clearly not going to cooperate
Shocker: next you'll be telling us you've got arachnophobia Spidey
Spidey: ......I mean.......
Electro: YOU DO NOT
Electro: this is too funny XD XD XD
Spidey: twas the radioactive spider bite that did it
Sandman: objection your honour inconsistencies was it the spider or bite that was radioactive?
Spidey: maybe they were both radioactive 0-0
Spidey: maybe I'M radioactive
Spidey: wElComE tO tHe nEw WorlD, To tHE nEw worLd-
Sandman: ???
Vulture: (did you seriously just reference Imagine dragons? -o-)
Spidey: (did you actually just understand an imagine dragons reference? .o.)
Shocker: no seriously that's like saying Electro got his powers by getting bit by an electric eel or something
Shocker: stuff like that doesn't just happen
Shocker: pick a different story
Electro: um actually... I kinda did get bit by an electric eel
Electro: don't think it was radioactive tho
**Electro has changed the group name to Bitten by the villain bug >:3**
Shocker: yeah right and I got bit by an earthquake
Spidey: wait really?
Electro: how did that even work?
Shocker: .....you two are actually hopeless I'm going to bed
***Bitten by the villain bug >:3***
Spidey: omg herman REALLY????
Sandman: um wrong chat Spidey
**Chat with: Shocker**
Shocker: Explain
Spidey: I have talented friends
Shocker: what do you want from me
Spidey: nothing rn
Spidey: but I thought you should know I knew
Shocker: ...ok?
Shocker: so you're not going to tell anyone?
Shocker: just remember I know some things about your age I don't think you want getting out
Spidey: sounds like a deal
Shocker: good
Spidey: but I think the world finding out I'm a teen would be less embarrassing than them finding out your real name is
Spidey: *snorts*
Spidey: Herman Schultz
Shocker: *deep sigh*
Spidey: for the record, you were right.
Spidey: your name IS more stupid than your costume
Shocker: OK that's enough
Spidey: :)
***Bitten by the villain bug >:3***
Spidey: oops yeah wrong chat sorry
Sandman: np but seriously what kind of stupid name is Herman?
Spidey: ik i try not to hold it against him tho.
Spidey: some people can't help the hideous hand fate has dealt them
Spidey: only problem is he chooses to wear stupid clothes as well
Sandman: oh no XD
Spidey: which I can and WILL hold against him
Electro: if your goal is to make us forget the fact you just name-dropped one of your irl friends
Electro: it ain't working
Spidey: oh im not worried about u finding my identity
Spidey: I go to great lengths to make sure there are no permanent records of my association with someone with such a ridiculous name
Spidey: :D
Vulture: I think you're being a bit harsh?
Vulture: surely this 'Herman' isn't so bad
Spidey: oh no he's the worst
Sandman: why are you friends then???
Spidey: bold of you to assume we're friends
Spidey: (it's pity. nobody else wanted to be his friend and I'm too heroic for my own good sometimes T-T)
Vulture: wow okay how would Herman feel if he saw this?
Spidey: nothing. he's just grateful he has 1 friend
Vulture: .....
Electro: big mood
Vulture: ngl I now feel kinda bad for a guy I've never met
**Electro has changed the group name to Justice for Herman**
Spidey: trust me if you ever met him you would feel nothing but horror at his awful fashion sense
Sandman: genuinely can't tell if ur blowing this way out of proportion or it's an inside joke or you actually have the wackiest friends
Spidey: maybe it's all three :P
Spidey: maybe someday I'll introduce you to Herman the Horrifyingly Hilarious
Sandman: can't wait
Vulture: wow Spidey really got to see another side of you today
Spidey: nono i promise I'm a nice person but not even a saint could keep a straight face when faced with such a face as Herman's face
Vulture: ....well okay then
**Chat with: Shocker**
Shocker: I hate you so much
Spidey: :)
Peter had no idea why the Lizard liked hanging out in the sewers so much. They were damp, stinky, dark and overall not fun. He'd thought lizards were meant to like sunbathing on rocks, not crawling around in sewage like rats. But just this once, Spider-Man had braved the grimy waters for a good cause - he was 99.8% sure he'd found a cure to the genetic nightmare Dr Conners had wrought on himself. And if the 0.2% prevailed... well, Peter was going to make the Lizard wash his suit because this smell was not going to come out easily.
Hissing echoed, original direction made uncertain by the acoustics of the pipes. Peter crouched on the ceiling, large gun in his grip. He threw another pebble into the water below, eliciting a splash and a louder hiss from the Lizard. Ripples began to appear from the tunnel intersection. Peter braced himself for the monster to appear, antidote bullets ready to be fired.
**Justice for Herman**
Spidey: GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!!!!!
Octo: Nobody cares.
Spidey: Yes they do
Spidey: ....
Spidey: c'mon guys, back me up.
Octo: You are a hero and they are villains. Your triumph means our downfall.
Spidey: Not always
Spidey: maybe I beat my HHA high score on Animal Crossing
Octo: You would not share something so trivial.
Spidey: if you think that then you clearly don't know me very well.
Spidey: seriously is nobody else on their phone rn?
Octo: It would appear not. Are you planning to divulge your good news?
Spidey: idk I feel like it would be kinda anticlimactic now
Octo: Why do you message with people you fight on a daily basis?
Spidey: wow really getting existential aren't we
Spidey: well partially because it's fun but also... I guess it helps to remind me that you're all still human
Spidey: and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word
Spidey: and that keeps me human too, stops me going too far in a fight
Octo: You would be a better vigilante if you did not hold back.
Spidey: But I wouldn't be a good person, and like it or not there are people who look up to me. I need to set a good example.
Spidey: but mostly messaging on here makes me feel like im having an ongoing aneurysm and I find it wildly entertaining
Electro: well after that deep chat you'd better not have just broken your HHA score
Spidey: Electro! Honestly never thought I'd be glad to see you arrive but here we are
Electro: no need to flatter
Electro: now spill the news
Spidey: I fixed Lizard! Doc Connors is back ^-^
Electro: yay ig (who's dc con?)
Octo: Doctor Connors IS Lizard you fool.
Spidey: ^^^he was another one of these mad scientist types but before he went and turned himself into a rampaging reptile he was a friend of mine
Spidey: before you get any ideas oc he only ever knew me as sm but we got along really well when I had to help SHIELD out one time
Octo: interesting. I knew Connors myself before his accident. He's not one to suffer fools gladly.
Spidey: well clearly he didn't think I was a fool bc he invited me back to his lab to help with one of his projects
Spidey: I was actually there the day he started messing around with lizard genetics
Octo: The Doctor wouldn't let any idiot into his lab.
Spidey: *outraged gasp* I'll have you know I am a top-tier nerd!
Electro: ^can confirm
Spidey: I was working with him on a new type of prosthetic before he went all evil and started trying to kill me
Spidey: my research really wasn't THAT bad...
Electro: haha so very funny -.-
Octo: So how is the doctor now?
Spidey: He's been through a lot but he's in good hands and I'm sure he'll recover in time
Sandman: HEY GUYS
Sandman: I think I just saw the guy who used to be the lizard go past my cell???
Sandman: Does this mean you succeeded, Spidey?
Electro: read^^^^^
Octo: You all knew of his plan to foil the Lizard and did nothing to stop him?
Electro: yeah, what of it?
Electro: none of us ever allied with him and he wanted to turn us all into lizard monsters like him
Electro: I say good riddance
Sandman: well done SM ^-^
Sandman: glad you've got your friend back
Spidey: thanks ^-^ maybe I'll bring him to visit you
Octo: If he's in such 'good hands' why is Connors in a cell block?
Sandman: actually I'm being kept in a super advanced containment/research facility so they were probably running some tests to make sure he was fully back to ok
Sandman: he wasn't being restrained or anything
Spidey: ^
**Villain reformation loading... 16% complete**
Shocker: I have come across a thing
Shocker: hang on
**Shocker has changed the group name to You Wish, Spidey**
Shocker: so this thing
Shocker: apparently it's this huge internet debate
Shocker: and it's about whether there are more wheels or doors in the world
Shocker: people are getting really into it, it's acc lowkey terrifying
Spidey: *loki
Vulture: I've heard of this
Vulture: gotta wonder who came up with it
Spidey: no you don't.
Spidey: You gotta wonder who first milked a cow
Spidey: Or ate cheese
Spidey: Or decided, hey lets make numbers so I can count things and make things super difficult for everyone else
**Spidey has changed the group name to Just You Wait**
Spidey: I'm on the doors side btw
Electro: what no there are obviously more wheels
Vulture: *deep sigh* here we go...
Shocker: I already regret mentioning this
Electro: hear me out
Electro: think about lorries, cars, bicycles, wheelchairs, rollerblades, literally anything with more wheels than doors and how many of them there are in the world
Electro: plus the millions of toy cars out there
Electro: beat that with your doors justification
Spidey: oh I don't have a justification
Spidey: I just think there are more doors because I'm ~like that~
Electro: that is not allowed, you can't just pick a team without backing it up
Spidey: ok then I'm team doors because they're falling behind and need the support
Electro: THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS
Electro: If they're falling behind it means they're wRoNg
Spidey: maybe but you can't prove that
Spidey: don't bully me I'm entitled to my own opinion
Electro: Not if you have literally 0 evidence to back it up!!!!
Sandman: this is a really cool concept
Sandman: I'm joining Spidey on Team Doors
Electro: You can't just choose a side because Spider-Man's on it
**Electro has changed the group name to You don't stand a chance**
Sandman: I'm not
Sandman: from where I am I can see many doors and no wheels
Electro: that's not an accurate representation of the world ratio though because YOU'RE IN A PRISON BLOCK
**Spidey has changed the group name to That's what you think**
Vulture: do windows count as doors?
Electro: no. they're windows.
Vulture: ok then I think wheels win
Electro: THANK YOU
**Shocker has changed the group name to Because it's true???**
**Spidey has changed the group name to You Know It's going to Happen**
Sandman: no hold up think about like office blocks and stuff
Sandman: Spidey you've been in Stark Tower there are lots of doors in there right?
Spidey: Yes! There are! So many doors!
Sandman: See??
Vulture: I don't think that's conclusive evidence that there are more doors than wheels in the world
Sandman: I mean it kinda is
**Electro has changed the group name to No I Don't because it Won't**
Sandman: also,,,, cupboards.
Spidey: and Advent calendars!
Electro: You're not looking at the bigger pictures
Electro: CaRs and LoRrIeS
Sandman: Cars are not valid because I've never been in one
Vulture: last time I checked that wasn't how science worked
Shocker: wdym u haven't been in a car????????
Sandman: and um I actually don't know what a lorry is so
Shocker: hello????? BRO???????????
Electro: all you need to know is that lorries have 2 doors and like a billion wheels each
Electro: so wheels win by principal
Spidey: last time I checked that's also not how science works
**Spidey has changed the group name to The process has already begun...**
Vulture: ok seriously can you guys stop messing with the name?
**Vulture has changed the group name to Sandy carseats are the worst**
Shocker: lol imagine being able to afford a car
Sandman: imagine having been in a car
Spidey: imagine,,,, car.
Electro: what? cars exist there's no need to imagine them
Spidey: Confirmed: cars are a made-up conspiracy to tip the natural balance of the wheels v doors debate
Electro: so you admit cars mean wheels win!
Spidey: I admit nothing
Sandman: wait aren't all conspiracies made up?
Spidey: that's what they want you to think 0-0
Electro: ~very confusion~
Octo: I think I am beginning to see the attraction of reading and participating in these conversations
Octo: I suspect it is a similar sensation to being extremely high.
Shocker: can neither confirm nor deny
Electro: you're beginning to see the light old man!
Sandman: we should play a game to celebrate :D
Spidey: YEs! How about Kiss Marry Kill: Avengers Edition
Octo: Absolutely not.
Spidey: (I would totally marry Thor btw)
Sandman: (wouldn't everyone?)
Electro: please stop T-T
Chapter 6: The One With The Banishment
Chapter Text
**The Zoo but Dangerous**
Spidey: I have. messed up.
Octo: Good.
Spidey: no I did something stupid that is going to haunt my future
Octo: Even better.
Spidey: does nobody here care about my wellbeing?
Electro: *slowly raises eyebrow*
Spidey: :(
Electro: actually yes Spidey I do care for you very much
Spidey: ...what do you want
Electro: do you happen to know where Stark's intern lives?
Spidey: if I did I sure wouldn't tell you
Shocker: Nice try, E
Shocker: SM, as our resident moral compass I need to consult you on a dilemma I have
Spidey: The answer is no
Shocker: hear me out
Spidey: the question is if you can commit a crime and the answer is no
Shocker: You don't understand.
Shocker: So there's this guy at the place I work at and he has dumb hair and he's generally one of those annoying people
Shocker: he says stupid things and today he said something especially stupid
Spidey: still no
Shocker: he's also rich and the son of our boss and today he was bragging about dumping all his work on us when he clears off to the Caribbean for a week on holiday - like he ever does work anyway
Spidey: sounds like a /wonderful/ person but you still can't commit a crime
Shocker: but I know exactly where he lives and exactly where he keeps his most prized possessions and what they are and how much they're worth because he cannot shut up about them
Shocker: I also know when he's going to be out of the country for a week :3
Spidey: no.
Shocker: some people deserve to be robbed
Shocker: you cannot tell me he doesn't have it coming
Spidey: you asked my opinion and my opinion is no
Spidey: I cannot and will not endorse your crimes
Shocker: ur no fun
Shocker: imma rob him anyways u can't stop me
Spidey: watch me
Shocker: }:P
Spidey: >:p
Vulture: Well this was fun.
Vulture: It's 3 am.
Vulture: Go to sleep.
...
Sandman: So I know I'm about 4 hrs late to the party
Sandman: but
Sandman: Am I the only one surprised that Shocker has, like, an actual legal job?
Vulture: no that did catch me off guard too
**Stupid conversations Central**
Vulture: ****link to news article titled: Is Spider-Man really a man? What is this vigilante hiding beneath the mask?****
Vulture: *raises eyebrows*
Shocker: Spidey's on the news all the time why is this a big deal?
Vulture: just read it.
Shocker: ok?
Vulture: ....
Shocker: aaqwdfcgygtoijb fkvsuioqlnvj
Shocker: SPIDEY
Spidey: Ok I CAN EXPLAIN
Vulture: can you really though???
Spidey: no I actually can this time!
Spidey: so you guys know I don't drink
Spidey: (Oc, I don't drink)
Shocker: and this is related how????
Spidey: well I rescued this guy and it turns out he's a bartender.
Spidey: and he offered me a drink to say thanks
Vulture: so you said no?
Shocker: still don't see how this is related
Spidey: well that's the thing
Spidey: I was full of adrenaline and not thinking right so I just blurted 'I can't drink!'
Shocker: ...oh. oh no. you didn't.
Spidey: T-T and he asked me why and I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind which was 'I'm pregnant'
Vulture: Spidey you can't see this but I'm giving you my best disappointed dad look.
Spidey: T-T-T-T
Octo: Why can you not drink?
Spidey: I have superpowers and a secret identity I'd rather stay in full control thanks
Spidey: which is what I should have told him
Octo: So why didn't you?
Spidey: I PANICKED OKAY
Spidey: and then he asked me if it was a girl or boy and I just stood there like,,,, what have I done???
Spidey: so I said spider.
Shocker: PFFFFFFFFF
Shocker: AXCTUALLT DYING OVER HEFE
Vulture: if this is how you act when sober it's probably a good thing you don't drink
Spidey: I knowwwwww ;-;
Shocker: NOW EVERYONETHINKS YOURE QA PRENGNANT ALIENT HIS IS TOO FUNNBY
Vulture: prengnant
Spidey: funnby
Shocker: oh yeah haha bc I'M the stupid one in this situation
Spidey: this is the problem with being a public figure
Vulture: just tell the media you were drunk and it'll be fine
Spidey: yea I might do that
Spidey: Tony said he'd deal with it but I'm not sure I trust him atm
Shocker: oooo superhero tea?
Spidey: there's a prank war happening at the moment he'll probably tell them I'm already a mother of 12 alien spiders
Vulture: is it bad that I want to see that happen?
Spidey: yes
Shocker: no
Octo: Spider-Man, I have done extensive research on you and your powers.
Shocker: .....
Spidey: ....
Spidey: way to make it creepy, dude
Octo: I almost certainly know more about your abilities than you do.
Octo: My research suggests that you have a heightened metabolism.
Spidey: yes, it sucks. I have to eat twice as much as anybody else
Spidey: I CAN'T AFFORD to eat twice as much as everyone else
Shocker: Having money issues? I recommend crime.
Spidey: shocker no
Shocker: shocker yes
Octo: Based on this information and my study on the effects of the super soldier serum on Steve Rogers, I have hypothesised that you will not be affected by moderate quantities of alcohol.
Spidey: ...are you saying I can't get drunk?
Octo: Theoretically. An excess of liquor may be enough to inebriate you.
Octo: Of course, if I had a blood sample I would be able to confirm this.
Spidey: Yeah, no, not happening.
Spidey: I'll just test it myself >:3
Vulture: SPIDEY NO
Shocker: SPIDEY YES
**Society is Overrated and Should be Destroyed**
Electro: zippity zoopity i'll do the boopity
Electro: ***audio recording, unintelligible zapping noises and mad laughter***
Electro: 4920414D20474C4F57494E47
Shocker: um.
Electro: ***blurry photo of a blinding light***
Vulture: Is he okay?
Shocker: absolutely not
Sandman: buddy what's going on here?
Electro: 11010001100001110100011000011101000110000101000010100001
Spidey: oh he's fine I threw him into a substation so he's kinda high on electricity
Spidey: have to admit I didn't realise it would have quite this much of an effect.
ELECTRO: (&$$£*Y)&*(O((&!*IOJIN()Pdihj(U*(%$(&*)()I><F:><BML::>~S
ShockeR: oh wow
04[C313: yeeeèeę
Sp1d3ys~: wow okay
^u$T+r£: I think maybe we should all turn off our phones for a while.
SHOxCKEr: good plan, talk later
??: \\\\\\\\\\||||//////////
**Society is Overrated and Should be Destroyed**
Vulture: Is everybody okay?
Electro: Getting there.
Electro: sorry guys
Shocker: you owe me a new phone m8, this one's kinda smoking
Electro: Bill Spidey, he's the one who supercharged me
Vulture: and who started the fight?
Electro: that's irrelevant.
Shocker: I don't care who buys the new phone as long as I get one
Shocker: maybe Sandy could chat to his intern buddy about getting Stark to fund those of us too underfunded to do crime and also maintain healthy communications
Vulture: 'healthy communications'
Electro: I wouldn't bet on the 'intern buddy' being around much longer
Shocker: blah, blah, blah
Shocker: you've been threatening that kid for months now either do it or move on bro
Shocker: it's no fun otherwise
Electro: *gasp* I'm telling Spidey!!!!
Vulture: --_--
Vulture: he's going to see all of this anyway genii
Shocker: excuse you?
Vulture: you are aware of how this system works, yes?
Shocker: no, the 'geniiiii'.
Shocker: are we genies now? am I blue? can I grant wishes?
Electro: I'm blue.
Shocker: *rubs lamp* I wish to be rich.
Electro: sucks to be you ig
Shocker: D':
Vulture: genii is the plural of genius, you genii /s
Shocker: *geniuses
Vulture: **genii
Octo: Genii is the correct form of the plural noun.
Shocker: naaaaaaa
Electro: its a conspiracy
Shocker: yes it's all a plot by the geniuses to make us believe our knowledge is inferior
Electro: well sike guys, we saw through your plot >:D
Spidey: hi Electro
Spidey: glad to see you've recovered
***Spidey changed the group name to Society is Precious and Deserves protection, Actually***
Spidey: they're right the plural is genii
Spidey: google it
Shocker: don't fall for it E, it's a trap
Shocker: it's like when people tell you to look up gullible in a dictionary
Electro: exactly
Electro: WE'RE NOT FALLING FOR IT
Vulture: well I guess you guys will just never be on a level with us genii
Electro: *nerds
Shocker: HAHAHAHAA HE GOT YOU THERE
Vulture: okay, bedtime you 3 y/os
Electro: you can't see it but I'm pulling my best offended face
Shocker: ditto
**Genii, geniuses, and those of us who are 3y/os**
Spidey: any tips for beating Kraven?
Spidey: He's got new tech and I genuinely think he's gonna kill me
Vulture: Nothing, sorry.
Shocker: Not a chance, you're on your own there.
Shocker: I ain't messing with the hunter. good luck buddy
Spidey: anybody? really struggling
Sandman: I have excellent tips for fighting: have you tried deep breathing? How about asking nicely?
Sandman: don't forget to say please and thank you :)
Spidey: now is not the time to be passive aggressive S
Sandman: passive aggression is a better alternative to physical aggression and also less illegal
Shocker: he's an iLleGaL ViGiLaNtE remember?
Shocker: also XD best timing ever buddy 100%
Shocker: so smooth. you have my renewed respect I can't believe I thought you were going soft
Sandman: thanks (I think)
Spidey: really guys???
Sandman: no regrets
Spidey: as long as you're comfortable with the fact that sarcasm is the last thing you'll ever say to me
Sandman: haha
Sandman: wait r u being serious?
Spidey: deadly.
Sandman: oof sorry bro
Shocker: wait. hang on. Sandy, buddy,
Shocker: have you seriously not heard of Kraven the Hunter?
Sandman: I know he's the most annoying one on the other gc?
Spidey: ily guys but now is not the time I almost died 5 times in the past minute so if you have any tips PLEASE SHARE ASAP
Octo: Kraven's latest technology is a prototype and not fully waterproof. If fully submerged there is a 45% chance of immediate failure.
Spidey: I'll take those odds
Spidey: Thank you.
Shocker: ???????
Shocker: hello??????
Sandman: no you weren't dreaming, I saw it too
Vulture: Care for an explanation, Octavius?
Shocker: ...
Sandman: he's gone, isn't he.
Vulture: looks like.
Shocker: so ok whilst SM's fighting for his life let's rewind to SANDY YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT KRAVEN?
Shocker: like I know you live under *cough* are *cough* a rock but this is a whole new level.
Sandman: I thought he was just a freak who liked bragging
Vulture: he is that too
Shocker: he's been terrorising the villain world for the past year and a half
Shocker: he collects 'trophies' like some kind of poacher but these are usually people.
Shocker: he's out for Spider-Man's head and he will slaughter anyone who stands in his way.
Sandman: huh
Sandman: well I hope Spidey's ok.
Shocker: and there's the soft side again
Shocker: I had hope for you, but I guess ur too far gone
Shocker: The government brainwashing is almost complete.
Sandman: ok.
Vulture: Shocker.
Shocker: what?
Vulture: refer to rule 4
Shocker: which was???
Vulture: 'Sandman is in rehab and being anything other than 100% supportive is unacceptable'
Vulture: your own words
Shocker: was that unsupportive?
Sandman: It's fine, I get it.
Vulture: Yes, it was. Apologise.
Shocker: Flint man I'm sorry, I was kidding
Shocker: I'm proud of you and how far you've come
Shocker: Even if you are going soft
Vulture: SHOCKER
Shocker: Im joking im joking
Shocker: Seriously buddy I'm really sorry are you okay? I didn't mean to offend you.
Sandman: I'm okay :)
Vulture: now hug and make up
Shocker: hug?
Sandman: *hugs*
Vulture: proud of you guys <3
Shocker: you really are a dad huh
Vulture: yup. deal with it.
Spidey: I'm alive, in case anyone was interested
Shocker: Good job.
Spidey: thanks
Spidey: And thank you, Otto, seriously. I don't know why you decided to help me or if it was out of villain rivalry or one of your convoluted schemes or a rare glimpse of conscience but my intact skull is really glad you did. So thanks.
Spidey: although you could have told me that the tech would also electrocute /me/ when it went in the water
Spidey: although on second thoughts as a physics person I should probably have figured that one out myself. In my defence it was a high stress situation.
Octo: I am a scientist, not a deluded murderer. Kraven killing you before I managed to procure enough samples would be a waste.
Spidey: You know what, I don't care why you did it. I appreciate not being dead, and you were more helpful than the rest of these buffoons.
Shocker: I take offence to that
Spidey: as you should
Spidey: And Markov? Next session you bet we'll be discussing appropriate timing.
Sandman: I probably deserve that. Glad you're ok though :)
Spidey: thanks :)
Spidey: now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go pass out from blood loss
Vulture: is that a joke??
Vulture: ...
Shocker: apparently not
Once Peter had (mostly) recovered from his narrow escape with Kraven, he decided it would be safer not to go out as Spider-Man until he'd figured out a plan to take down the hunter, and instead focus on Peter Parker things for a while. This included attending another meeting about Flint Markov's progress and presenting the next phase of his plan to Nick Fury. He visited Doctor Connors to make sure the man was on the road to recovery and was pleased to find him almost back to his old self. Then he spent quite a while digging into anything he could find about Electro. He had a feeling that whatever the villain was planning for Tony Stark's intern would be happening sooner rather than later, and he wanted to be as prepared as possible - and escape with his identity and life intact.
**Oc doesn't know about the funeral thing...**
Vulture: so correct me if I'm wrong but that's Flint, right?
Vulture: ***link to news article titled 'Spider-Man seen walking through Central Park with a Random Man'***
Electro: yep that's Markov alright
Electro: Sandy what's going on?
Electro: Spidey??
Shocker: I guess going along with government brainwashing has its perks
Vulture: delete that.
***Shocker deleted 1 message***
Shocker: sorry, wasn't thinking
Electro: The article was only posted 5 mins ago so they're probably still out
Shocker: Fair
Shocker: I expect all the details when they get back tho
Vulture: they'll probably be a while
Shocker: :C but im boredddd
Electro: go rob a bank or smth
Shocker: nahh not in the mood
Vulture: there's a bank-robbing mood?
Electro: there's defo a rule-the-world mood
Shocker: do you not get weapons-dealing moods?
Vulture: no?
Electro: ???
Electro: so why'd you do it?
Vulture: To get money? To support my family???
Shocker: money good, family boring
Electro: money boring, world domination fun
***Electro changed the group name to 'money boring, world domination fun'***
Electro: I want that on a T-shirt
Shocker: bro u have never worn a shirt in ur life
Electro: wow no need to be rude
Electro: some of us don't need to wear stupid clothes for the sake of money
Shocker: you take that back
Electro: no. money chaser :p
Shocker: ouch?
Shocker: I now have Money money money stuck in my head
Electro: is that not all you ever think about?
Shocker: ..... bro?
Shocker: the SONG?????
Electro: uhh
Vulture: :O
Shocker: V you know what I mean right?
Vulture: $$$ must be funny in a rich man's world~
Shocker: thank you!!
Shocker: rich man or electric man apparently
Electro: idk what's going on but I feel bullied and I don't like it
Shocker: culture urself and find out
Electro: how about no
Vulture: Your loss.
Sandman: so.
Shocker: HE RETURNS
Shocker: TELL US EVERYTHING
Electro: yeah man wth happened there
Sandman: (1 sec)
Sandman: I know I've said this so many times but thank you so much Spidey
Spidey: And I'm going to give the exact same response: thank YOU for making it work
Spidey: It's thanks to you I was able to suggest this and have it approved, and thanks to you going along with it that we get to do it again next month.
Sandman: wait seriously? again?
Spidey: of course! you didn't think it was a one-off did you?
Sandman: kind of? how did you convince them to let us do that??
Shocker: back up guys we need an explanation
Sandman: I left the facility! I had to keep the blockers and stuff on obviously but aaaaaaaa you guys have no idea how nice fresh air is
Electro: you don't have lungs
Sandman: -.-
Shocker: that's not a full explanation I need all the info
Spidey: I had a very long convo with Fury
Spidey: Flint and I went for a walk in Central Park. Nothing happened. It was excellent and we will be doing it again.
Vulture: Congratulations Flint!
Sandman: Thank you ^o^
Spidey: sorry to uh interrupt but
Spidey: Electro doesn't know abba? what kind of monster are you?
Spidey: next you'll be saying you haven't listened to any of Midnights. Or the rickroll.
Electro: I have no idea what those words mean.
Spidey: O-O
Electro: leave me alone
Vulture: I do listen to the radio enough to have caught songs from midnights but I haven't heard of 'the rickroll'?
Spidey: :0
Spidey: Shocker? Sandy? Ock??
Shocker: now I feel bad for bullying electro T-T
Sandman: ahahahah im made of sand
Sandman: *Sandman is no longer online*
Electro: you realise we don't have that notification on right?
Sandman: bye.
Spidey: unbelievable
Spidey arrived at the training facility. It wasn't an outing day so he was doing sparring and drills with Flint today. He'd connected Karen to Flint's power dampeners and made sure the room was completely airtight. He was the only one in the risk zone and he was willing to take this chance. Halfway through one of their matches, Peter blinked at the controls inside his mask, and deactivated the power blockers. Flint flinched, freezing up long enough for Spidey to land a blow and knock him backwards, but he just stepped forwards and continued the hand-to-hand fight. No sand, no powers. He stayed in his human form and completed the rest of the drills without using his abilities. Peter's heart swelled with pride. There was definite hope for Flint's future, but the real test was yet to come and Peter had a sinking feeling this was a step too far.
They finished their session and Spidey walked slowly towards the exit. He was almost at the door when Flint's voice sounded, heavy with something nameless.
"Spidey, wait."
Spidey turned around. "Is everything okay?"
"My. Uh, the power blockers broke. Earlier in the session. I should have said earlier. I just... well. It's nice to not feel trapped, I guess. But you need to know."
"Thank you for telling me," Spidey said. He went back over and fiddled with Flint's cuffs, blinking at Karen to reactivate the blockers. Flint's drooping shoulders told him it had worked. "Parker doesn't make things that fail. I'll definitely be having words. But it's good to know someone else is on your side, right? Even if he apparently decided I was acceptable collateral." And okay, maybe that was manipulation but Peter needed people on his side whenever Electro finally made a move.
"Right. Thanks again, Spidey. See you next time."
Next time, Peter turned off the blockers the moment the room was sealed. And the time after that. Not once did a single grain of sand escape Flint's body.
**Oc doesn't know about the funeral thing...**
Electro: Excuse me what do you mean Spidey and the mystery man were spotted in the warehouse district.
Electro: I've been waiting in CP for weeks and you pull a stunt like this, why???
Spidey: ^^^ exactly why
Electro: I just wanted to see my buddy :(
Spidey: and how do you think 'colluding with known criminals' is going to look on Flint's next bid for freedom?
Electro: fantastic?
Spidey: guess again
Electro: so what does this group not count?
Spidey: nobody needs to know about this
Electro: and if they did? what would your new Avengers friends think of us?
Spidey: can we just be happy for Flint? He's making an effort and making progress.
Electro: well that was backhanded. and I'm just saying, you're not exactly a shining example
Spidey: I'm a vigilante. I never claimed to be a law-abiding citizen.
Electro: But do your fellow heroes know that?
Electro: I wonder what Captain America would think if he knew Spider-Man wasn't as squeaky clean as he acts
Vulture: Enough, Electro.
Electro: everything I've said is true and you know it.
Vulture: Enough.
Electro: right, I forgot. you're being 'fixed' too. you're so much better than us villains now.
Vulture: My life is my business. I don't know what's going on in yours that's making you so cruel but I would suggest keeping it off the group chat before anyone says anything they regret.
Electro: 'cruel'.
Electro: I'm a bad guy, Toomes. We all are, no matter what you pretend to your daughter.
**Octo has removed Electro from the chat**
Vulture: Thank you
Spidey: you didn't need to do that
Spidey: but thanks
Vulture: He did, actually. We may not stick to the rule book but that doesn't mean we should hurt each other meaninglessly.
Spidey: You're right. Thanks, Otto.
Octo: The Vulture is correct, Electro was out of line. He has been thoughtless towards Shocker, Spider-Man, and Vulture. I thought it best to step in before things escalated. Consider it a temporary time-out, add him back when all those he have hurt feel comfortable.
Spidey: not to kill the mood but we've come so far from 'I will squash you like an insect'
Spidey: character growth suits you doc
Octo: I still intend to capture and research you. But I appreciate there is an unspoken code of conduct on this chat and I felt it was being violated.
Vulture: appreciated.
Octo: Are you alright? He shouldn't have brought your daughter into it. Or your name.
Vulture: right, you didn't know. Everyone here already knows my name so it's not a massive deal but he still shouldn't have told you without asking me. And he should know better than to mention my family.
Spidey: Even I know better than that.
Vulture: you're a fast learner.
Spidey: *healer
Vulture: But yes, I am alright. Or I will be. You get used to betrayal after long enough in this industry.
Octo: But you are leaving it?
Vulture: trying to. it's a much harder hole to crawl out of than fall into.
Spidey: You're doing really well though.
Vulture: Thanks Spidey. How about you? He shouldn't have threatened to tell the Avengers
Octo: That was a low blow.
Spidey: yeah. I honestly don't know how they'd react.
Spidey: tbh Mr Stark probably wouldn't be surprised. he's got the tired father routine well rehearsed.
Spidey: worst case scenario I just have to stop talking to you guys
Spidey: but E knows other things I'd rather the Avengers didn't find out about just yet.
Vulture: Right
Octo: You've shared personal information on here that the other heroes don't know?
Spidey: nothing major. and they kinda pieced it together themselves
Spidey: don't feel left out, it wouldn't narrow down my identity much
Vulture: he's telling the truth.
Octo: Alright.
Octo: Well I am a busy man. Farewell.
Spidey: Bye oc :)
Vulture: Farewell, my knight in shining tentacles.
Spidey: pfff
Spidey: ...and here I thought I was going to have a quiet night
Vulture: oh?
Spidey: look out the window. I'd say E's pretty mad.
Vulture: ah. good luck.
Spidey: thanks. talk later.
**Safe Space *glares* **
Electro: oh so NOW you add me back
Shocker: it's only been a few days, chill out
Electro: I'm made of electricity I'm the exact opposite of chill
Shocker: besides, we couldn't add you back after you attacked the city for no reason
Shocker: it would set a bad example
Shocker: rage doesn't suit you. you're more of an unnecessarily complex plans guy.
Electro: oh, thanks
Shocker: I'm guessing Spidey talked to you?
Electro: he's very hard to shut up.
Shocker: for the record, what you said was uncalled for. Towards everyone.
Electro: this is a villain gc. it can't all be sunshine and rainbows
Electro: thought you were the only other one not wandering onto a redemption arc
Electro: guess I was wrong
Shocker: Keep talking
Shocker: I will not hesitate to block you.
Shocker: I'm only not doing crime recently bc I robbed that rich idiot from my work so I'm doing alright for a bit
Shocker: not all of us are crazy and power-hungry
Electro: I have a block button too
Shocker: nah I think we're good now. welcome back bud ;)
Shocker: dw you didn't miss much
Shocker: sandy got confused about starfish for a sec but that's kinda it
Electro: nothing new then.
Vulture: Hi electro.
Electro: hey V
Shocker: ...
Shocker: yeah, no, he's not gonna apologise
Vulture: didn't really expect him to
Vulture: hope Spidey threw you through some buildings xx
Electro: missed u too <3
Electro: that gc name is definitely not targeted
Shocker: defo not.
Shocker: *smiles*
Chapter 7: The One With The Delivery
Chapter Text
***'swallop dollop'***
Spidey: ughhhh
Electro: you good there?
Spidey: tfw your delivery isn't here yet :(
Spidey: its been almost 2 weeks :((((
Vulture: ...'tfw?'
Electro: google it you dinosaur
Vulture: You're not allowed to be mean to me or you're going back in the naughty corner.
Electro: -_-
Spidey: what do u say E?
Electro: -_- -_-
Electro: sOrRy iF i HuRt YoUr FeElInGs
Vulture: thanks
Spidey: This will never get old
Electro: it has been. months. please end my suffering.
Spidey: nope. you're mean, you apologise.
Vulture: ^ Probation&Penalty ends when you can be nice for a whole week.
Electro: you guys are just coming up with imagined offences to keep me in this perpetual torment
Spidey: look who downloaded a dictionary today woww
Electro: hey that was mean you should have to apologise
Spidey: no :P
Vulture: he's not on probation
Electro: I'm not sure you understand what probation means
Spidey: ok mr dictionary
Vulture: anyway Spidey what did you order?
Spidey: oh it's not even for me it's a gift for a friend but I just want that delivery thrill u get me?
Electro: no.
Vulture: Yeah.
Electro: weirdos
Spidey: People on P&P don't get opinions
Electro: this is actual bullying
Spidey: suffer, fool
**Electro changed the group name to 'P&P purgatory'**
Vulture: Well Spidey I hope your delivery comes soon
Electro: I hope it take another two weeks >:C
Peter's spidey senses had been uneasy all day. He'd been on edge through all of his classes and the entire commute home but nothing had happened.
"May?" Peter called as soon as he opened the front door. She called back a greeting from the kitchen, and he relaxed slightly.
"Oh, Pete, a delivery arrived for you earlier. I left it on your desk."
"Thanks," Peter replied, throwing his bag onto his bed and turning to face his desk. His senses seemed to take a sharp breath in and he hesitated, looking suspiciously at the small package. It definitely wasn't the right size for the lego set he'd ordered for Ned's birthday.
Peter opened the thick envelope very slowly. Inside it was a bizarre contraption the size of his fist - it looked like a part of a larger device. And completely useless. Frowning, he tipped the envelope. A slip of paper fluttered out. Printed words read: You left this.
It took a moment, but with a dawning recognition Peter realised this was a piece of the pointless gizmo he'd built as part of his escape plan back when the villains had kidnapped him. Peter Parker him, Stark's intern. His senses were finally quiet, and Peter felt almost relieved now that Electro had made the first move he'd been planning for so long. He pulled out his phone, and shot a quick text to his best friend.
**Private messages**
Peter: remember our 7-step gaslight gatekeep girlboss plan?
Ned: ofc
Peter: step 1 is a go
Ned: nice.
***P&P purgatory***
Sandman: ngl every time I look at the group name I think of Pride and Prejudice
Spidey: Ewwwww I had to study that in school for a whole year it was AWFUL
Vulture: Excuse you all Austen books are literary masterpieces
Spidey: Excuse YOU I am entitled to my own opinion
Sandman: Anyway why did it change?
Spidey: Because Electro is overdramatic despite his punishment fitting the crime?
Sandman: I thought we were going to keep the old one forever to commemorate the swallop dollop conversation
Vulture: Some cursed typos deserve to be forgotten
Spidey: It still takes me off guard every time you say something like 'cursed'
Vulture: Shockingly the internet is still accessible to people over the age of 30 you infant
Spidey: yet you didn't know what 'tfw' meant you fossil
Vulture: shhh
Spidey: oh and Flint did you get a chance to think over our convo from Tuesday?
Sandman: Yes. I have some thoughts/decisions for our next meeting.
Spidey: cool. I'll set something up with Fury ASAP
Sandman: Thanks, Spidey
Spidey: np <3
...
Shocker: OMG GUYS YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW
Sandman: $100 on the sidewalk?
Electro: a ghost?
Spidey: Captain America wearing a British flag?
Shocker: wh- I don't even want to know what goes on in your brain
Spidey: neither do I :)
Spidey: ANYWAY
Spidey: what did you see?
Shocker: RIGHT
Shocker: I was just walking down the street, right. Normal.
Shocker: I was probably getting groceries or smth, cannot even remember
Shocker: bc then I saw the most beautiful thing in existence
Sandman: $100 on the sidewalk?
Shocker: NO
Shocker: A DUDE WEARING A KENOUGH FLEECE
Spidey: WHAT
Sandman: What?
Vulture: huh.
Shocker: just looked it up apparently you can buy them
Spidey: well now I wish I was rich T-T
Vulture: ask one of your billionaire friends
Spidey: don't tempt me
Sandman: I am so confused
Shocker: no wait ur in prison :0
Sandman: ...yes?
Spidey: okay I'm buying the disc we'll have a movie night asap dw
Sandman: okay ig?
Shocker: V pls say you went to see it
Vulture: I'm not a heathen
Vulture: Gotta say I preferred Oppenheimer tho
Spidey: lmao I didn't even see that I just watched Barbie twice in a row
Shocker: mood. wish I'd done that because most of it was like a fever dream and I remember nothing.
Spidey: ~iM jUsT kEnNnNnN-
Shocker: AND SO AMI
Spidey: And Im GREAT aT DOING StUfF
Shocker: pretty sure that's not how it goes
Spidey: it's how it goes in my heart.
Shocker: going to rename my house the mojo dojo casa house
Spidey: nahhhh I would live happily in barbieland and accept my pink overlords
Vulture: Of course you would, Spidey
Octo: Is this a discussion of that new children's movie?
Shocker: It was not a children's movie.
Spidey: Oc you have to see it. Legally.
Electro: It wasn't that good
Shocker: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Spidey: oops the doorbell hopefully this is my delivery brb
Electro: everything was wayyy overdramatic
Electro: the prison scenes were unrealistic
Vulture: but the bright pink astronauts were fine?
Vulture: (bye Spidey hope it's ur delivery)
Sandman: (bye)
Electro: You cannot commit two crimes in a row and just get fingerprinted
Sandman: I am so confused
Shocker: They weren't reallllly serious crimes though
Vulture: Don't remember the details but I don't think ken even did anything?
Shocker: Yeah his only real crime was against fashion
Electro: SAYS YOU
Vulture: HAHAHA
Shocker: oh are we still not over this?
Shocker: we've definitely been over this before.
Sandman: we understand and appreciate that you wear the padding for your own safety
Electro: still looks stupid <3
Sandman: Still in denial that your real name is more stupid than your costume
Sandman: I've had plenty of time to imagine worse names and I'm drawing a blank
Shocker: hey no wait that was mean. E was mean.
Vulture: Electro honestly just because something is true doesn't mean you should say it out loud
Electro: SERIOUSLY GUYS
Sandman: Probational punishment time
Shocker: *chanting* P&P! P&P! P&P!
Electro: maybe I should just let you kick me off the group for good
Vulture: still haven't heard an apology
Electro: fineeeee.
Electro: Shocker I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. Really and genuinely.
Shocker: thanks <3
Vulture: good job. now you can continue bullying him.
Electro: thanks <3
Electro: sTuPiD cLoThEs
Spidey: Back! It was my parcel at last :D
Vulture: Nice
Sandman: yayyy
Spidey: Did I miss much?
Sandman: ^read
Spidey: ...
Spidey: oh do I have news for you
Electro: shh no we're not done talking about stupid clothes
Spidey: it's related
Sandman: go ahead
Spidey: I know Shocker's name
Sandman: :00000
Electro: Oh? An impartial judge?
Shocker: *chokes* iMpArTiAl?
Spidey: *cracks knuckles* the verdict, ladies and gentlemen
Electro: *drumroll*
Shocker: Spidey DONT U DARE-
Sandman: (drumming)
Spidey: much as it pains me to admit,,,,
Spidey: I can indeed confirm,,,,,,,,
Shocker: >:(
Spidey: his name IS more stupid than his costume
Sandman: :O
Electro: gAsP
Shocker: *deep sigh*
Spidey: I know. A shocker, truly
Shocker: I quit.
Electro: okay sir Frumperdoodleschnitzel, please hand in your *snigger* /uniform/ on the way out
Shocker: it's not THAT bad
Spidey: (it's worse)
Shocker: Spidey I thought we agreed not to talk about this
Spidey: you blackmailed me and I agreed not to have you arrested
Spidey: you said nothing of bullying
Electro: the great role model, Spider-Man, bullying? whatever will the children think
Spidey: It's my motto. bully or be bullied.
Spidey: my tragic backstory, if you will.
Sandman: get that on a t-shirt
Shocker: *pat pat* I'm sure it was so hard for you Spidey, growing up with a name like...
Shocker: what was it again?
Spidey: John Frumperdoodleschnitzel
Shocker: Right
Electro: worth a try
Spidey: aight I have a present to wrap see y'all later
Shocker: did you just say y'all
Shocker: guys did he just say y'all
Once Ned's present was wrapped, Peter arranged another meeting with Fury and Flint, and got permission to take Flint for a walk. Without the power dampeners. He spent twice as long on the risk report and precaution briefing as he did on that week's essay project for school, but it was worth it. Flint was nervous the entire time they were outside, as if afraid he would accidentally use his powers, but all 30 minutes were uneventful despite the numerous devices Peter had created to contain Sandman if he went rogue. Flint's other instructors reported a significant change in his positivity after that, and with barely any coaxing Fury agreed to make the walks a weekly event.
**Private messages**
Spidey: Hey Flint couldn't say it in front of the pirate but in case it wasn't obvious, please don't tell the others about this. They can be a little too enthusiastic and I don't want anything to mess this up for you when it's going so well.
Flint: Understood. Thanks again, for everything.
**Private messages**
Ned: Step one is complete. Sending you the address now.
***P&P purgatory***
Sandman: it has been brought to my attention that it is nearly halloween
Sandman: tragically stuck repenting for my crimes as I am, I cannot partake in the festivities
Sandman: my life is devoid of joy and meaning. I would have dressed as a vampire. tell me what you are all planning or I will drink your blood.
Vulture: really going for the method acting huh?
Sandman: I have not seen the sun in years
Shocker: Well we all know that's not true.
Sandman: If the sun sees me I will crumble to aught but dust
Shocker: *sand
Shocker: that would be such a fire costume tho can you imagine brandishing a crucifix at a trick-or-treater as a joke and they literally disintegrate?
Vulture: Please never use fire in a sentence again.
Sandman: mayhaps once my freedom has been earned i shall haunt the mortal realm with undying nightmares and my crumbling visage in a magnificent cape
Shocker: you really love halloween huh
Sandman: yes. tell me your plans pls I need to live vicariously through you
Shocker: I don't really celebrate?
Sandman: wrong answer try again
Shocker: uhmmm
Shocker: I'll get back to you ask V
Sandman: V?
Vulture: I'm having a night in, watching halloween films most likely. But not actual horror, I mean Beetlejuice, Edward scissorhands, and corpse bride and stuff
Shocker: didn't have you pegged as a Burton fan
Vulture: oh definitely. Nightmare before Christmas also, how could I forget? plus sweets for any trick-or-treaters
Sandman: excellent. V's plan: candy to children, Tim Burton marathon.
Electro: how do you know who Tim Burton is when you had no clue what a truck was
Sandman: I have taste
Shocker: woah rewind 'Nightmare before Chirstmas?'
Shocker: At HALLOWEEN???
Shocker: it's a Christmas film!
Vulture: Have you. ever seen it?
Shocker: yes! it's got Santa in, it's set at Christmas, it's a Christmas film!
Vulture: the first song is literally 'this is halloween' the main character is a skeleton what more do you want
Shocker: I want you to not watch a CHRISTMAS FILM at HALLOWEEN
Vulture: I don't only watch it at halloween? also good at midsummer
Shocker: heathen
Sandman: Shocker's probably one of these people who thinks you can only watch Die Hard at Christmas
Electro: again, not to get involved in the war this is about to become but how exactly does sandy know about the die hard debate????
Shocker: DIE HARD *IS* A CHRISTMAS FILM
Sandman: I was right ^^
Vulture: IT'S A GENERIC ACTION FILM THAT HAPPENS TO BE ON TV AT CHRISTMAS
Vulture: and it's not even that good
Shocker: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME-
Vulture: James Bond is far superior. Skyfall absolute favourite. Would watch over die hard any day including christmas
Shocker: I cannot believe this. I had no idea you were so opinionated about films and that your opinions were so. wrong.
Sandman: hey guys are you forgetting something I need to know your halloween plans
Vulture: oh right
Sandman: let's not get off topic
Sandman: I think Shocker's had plenty of time to think now.
Shocker: right I'm going to dress as the easter bunny and rob a bank because apparently what we do to celebrate doesn't even have to be seasonal if SOMEONE is planning to watch Christmas films
Vulture: ....
Vulture: not even sure if you're joking
Shocker: wait and see
Octo: James Bond is better than Die Hard
Sandman: oh hello there
Vulture: thank you!
Shocker: LOOK WHO ELSE WOKE UP AND DECIDED TO HAVE INCORRECT OPINIONS
Vulture: Which one is your favourite? You strike me as a fan of the older ones.
Octo: You would be correct.
Vulture: ah I was going to suggest Spectre but maybe Goldfinger?
Octo: Both good.
Vulture: But which is your favourite?
Octo: ...
Vulture: ?
Octo: I told Spider-Man once and he laughed at me.
Shocker: Sorry in what context did you and Spidey discuss your favourite English spy films?
Octo: He talks a lot.
Shocker: yeah I usually take that opportunity to run
Octo: I usually take that opportunity to capture him
Sandman: beautiful as this bonding has been: important question time
Sandman: Dr do you have any halloween plans?
Octo: I intend to mimic Frankenstein and spend the evening in my lab making an abomination of science.
Sandman: .oh
Sandman: have fun!
Sandman: didn't realise you were a green facepaint kinda guy tbh
Sandman: but you have opened my eyes! I won't be so quick to judge in future
Octo: Farewell. I have matters of more importance to attend to.
Shocker: ouch.
Electro: ohh you scared him off
Vulture: I can just see Otto pinching his nose and trying not to scream.
Sandman: did I say something wrong?
Vulture: No. Never stop.
Sandman: okay ^^
Electro: This Halloween I'm going to electrocute children
Vulture: ......
Sandman: .....
Shocker: ..........
Shocker: so tempted to say same
Vulture: Spidey would hunt you down
Shocker: he does that anyway
Vulture: ik we were joking but does he actually know who you are?
Shocker: yeah. I don't know how he found out
Shocker: He knows you too, and ovb Sandman, and Otto doesn't have a secret id
Electro: I'm the only one good at keeping secrets around here.
Shocker: ha
Shocker: the only reason Spidey didn't get involved with ur evil plans with the intern is bc he knew you couldn't handle a child
Electro: shut
Shocker: no
Spidey: well hello you guys have been busy
Spidey: phone's been pinging all day
Shocker: and yet you ignore us
Spidey: I was BUSY
Spidey: looks like I didn't miss much
Spidey: everyone still on the group? yep. group name still the same? yep. E and Shocker still fighting? ofc.
Shocker: ....
Vulture: he's not wrong.
Shocker: you did miss one of 'Octo''s rare guest appearances
Spidey: D: should have looked at my phone
Shocker: it's like that man waits until I forget he's on this chat to make a reappearance.
Spidey: same with his big villain attacks lol he's so quiet that they're always a surprise
Spidey: unlike SOME PEOPLE
Shocker: ...
Electro: ...
Vulture: ...
Electro: oh sorry was that targeted at me?
Spidey: -.-
Vulture: yes.
Electro: Well he hasn't stopped me yet
Spidey: bc you haven't DONE anything yet
Shocker: you have been talking and not doing for a very long time now
Electro: maybe that's just what I want you to think
Spidey: Subtle has never been your style
Electro: hardly a flaw
Shocker: you'd think so wouldn't you
Electro: yes. I would.
Vulture: ANYWAY
Vulture: Going back to Otto's brief drop in
Spidey: oh! yes tell me everything
Electro: you could literally just scroll back
Shocker: shut
Electro: oh you don't want him to see you planning halloween crimes
Shocker: SHUT
Shocker: you were the one talking about zapping kids
Spidey: ....that's a problem for later
Spidey: V tell me everything
Vulture: Flint was asking about our halloween plans, apparently he's a big fan
Spidey: aww I'll try to arrange something for him
Spidey: let me guess - Shocker and E are planning crimes
Vulture: no comment
Vulture: unless the crimes in question are their taste in movies
Spidey: well now I need to go read things later don't I
Spidey: can't believe you guys were dramatic without me
Electro: and you were insulting me for my dramatics
Spidey: well yeah because I do it better
Spidey: there can only be one
Electro: and you think you are the one?
Spidey: yes now shut so V can continue storytime
Vulture: Right, then Otto made an appearance and joined the film fight
Spidey: WHAT
Spidey: the one time you guys have a convo without me T-T
Spidey: what were his opinions?
Vulture: correct
Shocker: incorrect
Spidey: I see.
Vulture: Also apparently he's a Bond fan
Spidey: wait I already knew that
Spidey: how do I know that?
Spidey: I talk too much during fights
Electro: you talk too much during fights
Spidey: hey!
Electro: you literally just said it yourself
Spidey: there's a difference between self-awareness and bullying
Shocker: namely one of them is allowed and the other means...
Vulture: E you have to apologise
Electro: O-O
Electro: you were all saying the exact same thing earlier
Spidey: I expect you guys to be mean behind my back but being mean to my face is unacceptable
Vulture: apologise
Electro: unbelievable
Shocker: do it
Electro: Spider-Man, I am sorry for the completely untrue accusation that you have a motormouth
Spidey: wow I think that made it worse
Spidey: but the sweet sweet taste of humiliation makes it better
Shocker: mood
Vulture: Alright, now that's over Spidey I have a question
Spidey: not handing out my address today
Vulture: Otto was being really cagey about his favourite James Bond film but he said you knew and laughed at him
Shocker: uncharacteristically mean
Vulture: please tell me what it is
Spidey: .....
Spidey: okay that's true but in my defence I thought he was making it up
Spidey: should have know better bc it would have actually been a funny joke if he'd been joking
Spidey: but he wasn't so it's hilarious instead
Vulture: yes but which one????
Spidey: it is the most obviously hilarious one
Spidey: if you know you know
Vulture: ....
Vulture: no-
Spidey: yes
Vulture: T-T I regret everything
Spidey: join the club :D
Shocker: okay so us non-movie-nerds are so lost
Vulture: you don't want to know
Shocker: except I do
Spidey: google bond films. it's exactly the one you're praying its not
Electro: HAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHA
Shocker: I also forget E is just. connected to the internet
Shocker: one sec
Spidey: ....
Spidey: ...wait for it...
Vulture: scarred
Shocker: nonono
Vulture: I warned you
Shocker: I need. sleep? coffee? a time machine?
Shocker: why is it CALLED THAT
Vulture: I mean,,, it's not a bad movie?
Shocker: nope no
Shocker: I'm leaving this is too much
Spidey: I couldn't look Otto in the eye for months after I realised it was his actual favourite movie
Spidey: I'll need to watch it someday
Electro: You realise he can see this
Spidey: yes. he's probably lurking he's that kind of guy
Shocker: yo Otto you there?
Spidey: he also would never admit to it
Spidey: just watch he'll message again in like a week and pretend he never saw any of this but we'll know
Spidey: won't we octo?
Spidey: ....
Spidey: that's what I thought
Shocker: haha
**Private Messages**
Vulture: Do you have a minute?
Shocker: oh hi
Shocker: you never dm me?
Vulture: I want to talk about Spider-Man
Shocker: that's all anyone ever wants to talk about
Shocker: I'm not a supervillain, I'm just poor. I'm not interested in any of your schemes so forget about it
Shocker: ur all like children desperate for attention which is so ironic given that he is an actual child and you won't leave him alone
Vulture: I don't have a scheme. and that's part of what I want to talk about.
Vulture: plus the fact that he knows most if not all of our IDs and he still leaves us be unless we start trouble
Shocker: oh. thought I was the only one who noticed that. plus there's everything he's doing for Flint
Vulture: I know he insists he's a vigilante, not an Avenger. But recently I've been wondering what that actually means to him
**Shocker started a voice call lasting 47 minutes, 29 seconds**
***P&P purgatory***
Electro: WHOEVER DID THIS WILL REGRET IT
Sandman: oh?
Shocker: pfff probably had it coming
Shocker: What happened?
Electro: SOMEONE FEARTHED MT HOUSE
Electro: EARTHED
Electro: EVERYTHING
Shocker: HAHHAHAHAHA
Sandman: oh
Electro: This isn't FUNNY
Shocker: kinda is tho
Sandman: kinda is tho
Electro: HSVIDAKHIKBNOFDNFKVMFO
Electro: the INTERN
Sandman: oh?
Shocker: BAHAHAHA this is TOO GOOD
Shocker: V get in here
Shocker: @Vulture
Sandman: how do you know who did it?
Vulture: you called?
Vulture: oh
Vulture: ha
Electro: it is not. funny.
Vulture: kinda is tho
Vulture: how DO you know it's the intern?
Electro: he sent back the threat I sent him
Electro: but covered in blue glitter glue
Vulture: okay that IS funny
Vulture: and entirely deserved
Shocker: HAHAHHANKAHSJSAHHAHAHABSBN
Elec93tr%o: SHUT
Shoc<£^R: shutting
Sh€oc6er: calm down dude ur glitching the chat again
Electro: how am I meant to be calm when I can't touch anything in my own house???
Shocker: moreover how did the intern find out where you live
Sandman: so much for 'I'm the only one good at keeping secrets around here.'
ElecTr0: 5HÜT
Sandman: make me
Electro: AAÂAÆAA
Spidey: hey how about everyone cam down and stop antagonising the electric man
Spidey: you threatened Peter?
Electro: don't you dare tell me off for that
Spidey: seems like he dealt with it himself tbh
Spidey: need to go find him and give him a high five
Sandman: ^
Shocker: aw now I want to high 5 Peter and I haven't even met him yet
Shocker: feel so left out
Electro: count yourself lucky
Electro: this child is going to be one of us someday
Vulture: and won't that be a terrifying day for us all
Spidey: he works for Stark? Iron Man?
Vulture: Stark is the number one motive for supervillainy
Electro: says you
Vulture: exhibit A: me.
Spidey: yeah no he has a point a weird number of my villains are actually mad at Tony but I annoy them into making them my own problem
Vulture: also consider: ultron
Electro: oh are we /your/ villains now?
Spidey: until you start spending ur time plotting someone else's downfall, sure.
Sandman: Spidey you're late to the party he started plotting peter's downfall like 3 years ago
Spidey: yeah ur right Pete and I have shared custody of E ~currently~ (hehe)
Electro: that's not how this works
Spidey: kinda is tho
***Sandman changed the group name to kinda is tho***
Vulture: ha
Shocker: so what's the plan now E? escalate or take the hint and leave the kid alone?
Vulture: We're talking about ElEcTrO here he's not going to NOT escalate
Electro: Stark's intern will regret this
Spidey: c'mon man
Electro: you can't change my mind
Spidey: no you know the guy's name just use it
Spidey: or does saying 'Peter' offend your villain monologuing sensibilities?
Sandman: good point
Sandman: it's always 'Stark's intern' this 'that insolent child' that
Sandman: just call him Peter he won't mind
Sandman: I could even check with him if you're worried about it
Electro: wh-
Electro: I'm not WORRIED about offending him!
Sandman: idk felt like I should check
Electro: you're all idiots
Sandman: :(
Shocker: :(
Spidey: :(
Vulture: What about me I'm not an idiot
Electro: -.-
Shocker: *points dramatically* you have been deemed an idiot
Spidey: suffer, fool
Sandman: join us
Vulture: :(
Electro: well I'm leaving you idiots to your suffering while I start hunting for a new house seeing as this one is now OUT TO GET ME
Shocker: bye!
Sandman: enjoy!
Sandman: ....
Sandman: can we talk about how a 12 yr old just forced a supervillain out of his home
Shocker: to reiterate I have never met this kid
Shocker: constantly flipping between bitter disappointment and sheer relief at that fact
Shocker: but on a scale of 1 to 10 how afraid should we be?
Sandman: afraid.
Shocker: great
Sandman: peter's crazy smart the quality of tech he's made for me? amazing
Sandman: plus all of the stuff Spidey said he made for him. right?
Spidey: right
Shocker: do I need to go into hiding?
Sandman: why?
Shocker: because I was part of the group that kidnapped him?
Shocker: he may not have seen me but from what I've heard there's no chance he doesn't know im involved
Shocker: why am I so terrified of a child it feels irrational but I know its not
Vulture: Idk looks like he's only messing with E bc E messed first
Vulture: plus I've been fine so you should be okay
Sandman: it's probably not irrational
Sandman: Spidey always goes quiet when we talk about Peter and he refused to get involved even when we literally kidnapped a child
Sandman: so I think maybe our illustrious hero is a little bit afraid too maybe
Spidey: husheth
Shocker: aha caught you
Spidey: shut
Shocker: no
Spidey: ...
Octo: I'm going to have to ask. Who is Peter?
Spidey: OCTO
Spidey: YOU CAME BACK
Sandman: welcome back
Shocker: hey Spidey you said it would be like 3 weeks its only been 3 days
Spidey: hey I'm not a fortune teller
Spidey: and how about this: I won't even mention the James Bond incident
Vulture: you just did
Spidey: okay starting from now I won't
Octo: Peter
Shocker: RIGHT
Shocker: who's going to tell?
Sandman: I wasn't there for the start
Vulture: Shocker you're good at storytime
Shocker: aww <3
Shocker: So. Peter is Tony Stark's personal intern. He's also an actual child but terrifyingly smart and I mean TERRIFYING.
Shocker: A while ago we all teamed up to enact a scheme by Electro to get at Tony Stark by kidnapping and ransoming his intern
Shocker: but the child. This literal CHILD. built a bomb with the lightbulb in the room we put him in, scared off Electro, knocked out Vulture and made a device with the bomb ruins and V's watch in 3 seconds flat and used it to escape and lock US in the building instead
Shocker: over to you Sandy
Sandman: Um okay.
Sandman: So I'm in a facility trying to un-villain me and have weekly sessions with Spidey to try and keep my powers under control but one week he couldn't make it so this child came in
Sandman: he was actually so nice. really friendly. came back a week later with tech that could suppress my powers in a really convenient way, never seen anything like it before. I only found out that he was Peter as in Stark's intern later when Spidey told me
Sandman: that's kinda it on my part
Shocker: right so meanwhile Electro's been mad at being outdone by a child so he's been plotting revenge this whole time. must have finally made a move and threatened him because as you saw (I'm guessing) Peter retaliated and chased Electro out of his own house
Shocker: which is both hilarious, deserved, and terrifying
Shocker: which seems to be Peter's motto.
Octo: Well.
Octo: This Peter certainly sounds interesting. I wonder if he would be interested in an apprenticeship.
Sandman: I can ask next time I see him?
Shocker: Flint NO
Shocker: are you actively trying to make Peter the king of the underworld?
Shocker: because he would and probably will be the most terrifying villain of all time and I for one do not want that
Spidey: seconded
Spidey: also, Octo, did you miss the tiny detail of *he's Stark's intern*
Octo: I can be persuasive.
Spidey: do NOT threaten his family
Shocker: DO NOT Otto look what he did to Electro please trust us for all of our sakes
Octo: I wonder how much Stark is paying him. I doubt I can top it but perhaps my scientific connections could be of use?
Shocker: he's got an in with Stark, I don't think he needs any more connections
Shocker: especially as that's gotten him in trouble already, I doubt he wants more connections to - sorry - public villains.
Octo: We shall see.
Shocker: I am so afraid and it's definitely rational.
**Private Messages**
Peter: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad an idea would it be to get a job with doctor octopus
Ned: Peter no
Peter: but Ned it could be so interesting
Ned: Peter. Listen to yourself.
Peter: :<
Chapter 8: The One With The Gaslighting
Chapter Text
**Private Messages**
Peter: Step 2 is complete.
Ned: Copy. Initiating step 3 now.
Peter: :D
***kinda is tho***
Shocker: so the bad news is my obnoxious coworker finally got his stuff back :C
Vulture: the stuff you stole ages ago when he was on holiday?
Shocker: ye after Spidey stopped me the stolen goods were in police custody while they tried to nab me again
Vulture: SM let you go?
Shocker: i ESCAPED thank you very much
Shocker: anyway it's okay I'm not that mad even I didn't want the stuff I just wanted to make a point
Shocker: the good news is he'll never remove the sharpie 'stache I drew on a bust of his grandad
Vulture: what
Spidey: THATS why you were clinging to that stupid thing
Spidey: you could have escaped with wayy more money than you got away with if you'd just dropped the statue
Shocker: I was doing art
Shocker: and taking a photo lol
Vulture: deep sigh
Shocker: **Attachment of a photo of a stone statue of a man's head and shoulders. A badly drawn cartoon villain moustache is on the man's top lip.**
Vulture: even deeper sigh
Spidey: and you say I'M the immature one???
Vuture: ha
Shocker: oh you can't accuse me of immaturity
Spidey: *unimpressed face*
Shocker: ur the one who leaves colourful post its with handwritten notes signed 'lots of love from your local bestie superspider xoxoxo' stuck to criminals and crime scenes around the city
Spidey: just for that next time we meet you're getting a bright pink one on your forehead with extra kisses. Maybe I'll even draw a lil heart
Vulture: this is not helping your case
Spidey: sorry can't hear you too busy stocking up on post-it notes
Spidey: (the hyphen is important)
Shocker: yeah yeah
Shocker: hey V haven't heard much from you on the crime scene recently
Shocker: you retired for good now?
Vulture: Basically, yeah.
Vulture: Is that okay?
Spidey: excuse me what? ofc it's okay!
Shocker: definitely man! well done :D
Vulture: You're not mad, S?
Shocker: you kidding? having the means to retire is the dream.
Shocker: you're living the dream dude
Vulture: haha not sure I'd call it that but it's definitely better than it was :)
Vulture: I can still stay on this chat though right?
Vulture: I would miss you guys :(
Shocker: my guy. Sandman has not been a real villain since before Spides joined the chat
Shocker: this is a chat for friends, not criminals
Vulture: Thank you, S. That means a lot.
Spidey: ^^^^that <3
Spidey: proud of you both <3<3
Shocker: both? um sorry but I do NOT have the means to live the dream just yet
Spidey: yeah but. idk man you accept that you're only doing it out of necessity and that friendship has value and you can be happy for your friends escaping that situation without being bitter and that. idk it's really good. I feel like a proud parent
Spidey: or something
Vulture: <3
Shocker: shut up spidey
Shocker: we love you too
Spidey: hfchjhbvjbnj okay the feels are over now
Shocker: we will never speak of this again
Spidey: besides, now that he's retired from crime V can take over his full-time job as the dad of the chat
Vulture: you'd better all be in bed before curfew young men
Shocker: yes dad
**Private Messages**
Shocker: hey V
Vulture: oh hi there
Shocker: not to make a big deal of it or anything
Shocker: but I meant what I said on the gc. you're a real friend to me, beyond the fact that we've both run around in costumes committing crimes
Vulture: Likewise, Shocker.
Vulture: And I think Spidey feels the same, to an extent.
Shocker: Idk he's always been way more friendly than any of the other heroes
Vulture: Yeah but he's never gotten this personal with anyone before
Shocker: True
Vulture: And from the way he talks about the avengers I doubt he even talks to them as much as we all chat
Vulture: I think he gets lonely sometimes
Shocker: Well I am very glad that I invited him to join the chat way back when
Vulture: Me too
Shocker: but that's not why I texted you
Shocker: i just wanted to
Shocker: uhh this is so stupid but you calling me shocker all the time feels weird when we're friends
Vulture: Don't feel pressured to tell me your name. You know I don't mind.
Shocker: No no I want to I just. Have never done this?
Shocker: bjhjnkbnmkn,
Shocker: Herman my name is herman
Vulture: Thank you for telling me. Your trust means a lot
Shocker: Obv spidey already knows but if you could keep it quiet around the others I would appreciate it
Vulture: Of course.
Vulture: I disagree with spidey btw I think your costume is more stupid than your name
Shocker: AHAHA not this again smh
Vulture: Herman isn't that unusual a name? I swear its familiar actually I've heard it before
Shocker: sigh. Check the chat history
Vulture: ...
Vulture: WAIT
Vulture: It was an inside joke the whole time T-T im so sorry
Shocker: Its fine you defended me at least lmao
Vulture: spidey has a vicious streak huh
Shocker: clearly.
Vulture: I know I already told you my name, but please feel free to call me Adrian or toomes or whatever
Shocker: ok. thanks adrian :)
Vulture: anytime, herman :)
**kinda is tho**
Sandman: !! great news V!!
Sandman: we should have a retirement party
Vulture: you make me sound old
Spidey: u r old
Vulture: and you're basically still in the womb be quiet
Shocker: HAHAHA
Sandman: haha funny
**Sandman changed the chat name to 3 villains, a hero, a rock and an old man**
**Shocker changed the chat name to A tired single dad & his 5 crazy kids**
**Vulture changed the chat name to People in need of real jobs**
Shocker: excuse you I have a real job thanks
Vulture: -.-
Shocker: wow is this what friendship looks like?
Vulture: no refunds
Octo: I, too, have professional employment.
Spidey: OTTO!!!
Vulture: your job is a front for your evil experiments it doesn't count
Spidey: no shush you'll scare him off again
Spidey: I think your job is very valid and legal otto
Spidey: ... don't tell the press I said that actually
Electro: how much are you willing to pay to keep it secret?
Spidey: ELECTRO!!!
Spidey: the whole gang is here :D
Spidey: and on second thoughts I actually don't care tell the press whatever you like its not like Jameson needs actual proof
Octo: J. Jonah Jameson is a sad excuse for a reporter.
Shocker: THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING
Vulture: yes doc please explain to spider-man why he should not listen to that man
Octo: Spider-Man, you listen to Jameson's nonsensical rants?
Spidey: well I came out to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling so attacked rn
Sandman: hey you spend your life boosting other people's self confidence let us return the favour
Electro: not that it needs much boosting
Vulture: take this seriously Spidey listening to that man is no good
Octo: I agree. If you want sensible reasons why your existence should be ended, I have several spreadsheets.
Vulture: ...
Shocker: that was weirdly supportive in the most messed up way
Spidey: is it bad that I kind of want to read those
Vulture: yes.
Octo: Most of them detail the experiments I would conduct on you to further the world's scientific understanding.
Spidey: jnbhjkn. j jnknj
Electro: I think you upset him
Spidey: noooo I really want to see them now I'm trying not to completely nerd out aaaa
Spidey: I'm so mad at you for being evil Otto I too have spreadsheets
Octo: Oh?
Sandman: plot twist
Spidey: I did a bunch of experiments on myself and found some really cool info and I would LOVE to share it with a scientist as brilliant as you
Spidey: clearly not as invasive as the experiments you have planned but STILL I am actually crying I wish I could show you everything but I have just enough self preservation to know that's a really really bad idea
Vulture: there may yet be hope we found a single shred of self preservation guys
Sandman: double party!!
Spidey: don't make fun of me I'm so upset
Spidey: fun fact my bestie had to talk me down from applying to a job with doc oc
Octo: Oh.
Spidey: I'm such a big fan of your work I was so personally offended when you started trying to kill me
Octo: I refuse to apologise. But I am flattered.
Electro: don't listen Otto this is how he gets to you
Shocker: no Otto listen to him stop being evil so you can work together
Shocker: imagine the advances to science if you two put your nerd brains together
Octo: I admit it is tempting. Unfortunately I have several important experiments that Spider-Man would never willingly participate in that I am not prepared to abandon
Spidey: T-T
Electro: (cheering)
Vulture: worth a try huh
Shocker: I did my bit spidey
Spidey: *double thumbs up*
Spidey: well this was nice I'm going to go make comfort food and cry over my spreadsheets now
Sandman: enjoy!
Octo: This is a very strange group of individuals.
Vulture: Truer words never spoken.
**Private Messages**
Peter: Ned I need an emotional support phone call
Ned: what happened?
Peter: I want to work for Otto so bad it physically hurts
Ned: buddy I know but it would hurt worse if you actually did
**Ned started a phone call lasting 36 minutes, 12 seconds**
**People in need of real jobs**
Octo: Spider-Man.
Vulture: Don't offer him a job he'll start crying again
Octo: No. I have a question for him.
Sandman: @Spidey you're missing out on a rare appearance
Sandman: 2 days in a row has to be a new record
Vulture: ...
Vulture: I'm guessing he's busy. If he's going to reply to something he usually does it within a few minutes
Sandman: what was your question?
Octo: It can wait.
Octo: I do, however, have other questions that you may be able to answer.
Vulture: Go for it
Octo: They concern this 'Peter' that you discussed. You said he is Stark's intern?
Sandman: I'm not sure I like where this is going
Vulture: yes, he is.
Vulture: why do you want to know about him?
Octo: It seems that he is of superior intelligence.
Sandman: That's one way of putting it yeah
Octo: Is his interest in science purely mechanical or would he be prepared to consider other fields?
Sandman: I'm not sure
Sandman: all we know is that he can invent stuff real good real fast
Sandman: I don't see him often but when I do I can ask him if you want?
Octo: That would be appreciated.
Sandman: I still want a high five for what he did to Electro
Vulture: he's still mad about that
Sandman: it's objectively funny
Sandman: the kid has a sense of humour
Octo: Has Electro been able to find a new house yet?
Vulture: Not sure, he's been pretty quiet since then
Vulture: Why do you want to know about Peter?
Octo: I suspect his talent is wasted with Stark. Spider-Man has made me think about what it would be like to have assistance in the lab, and Peter seems like an ideal candidate.
Sandman: He is a child don't make him do illegal things pls
Octo: He likely will not want to work for a 'villain' anyway.
Vulture: idk he seemed pretty chill with flint
Sandman: can confirm.
Vulture: he seems scarily chill with basically everything
Sandman: can also confirm.
Octo: If I was able to offer employment, I would keep him away from my more dangerous and... morally questionable work, you have my word. I understand that a few of you have a soft spot for him.
Vulture: More like a healthy fear
Vulture: But that seems sensible
**Private Messages**
Peter: NED
Peter: NED I CAN'T T_T
**Private messages**
Spidey: SCREAMING
Vulture: you okay?
Spidey: no otto is pushing me over the edge and he's not even trying
Vulture: ...
Spidey: idk why I'm talking to you
Spidey: ig you're about as close to a responsible adult as I have in my life rn
Vulture: can I do anything to help?
Spidey: no I just
Spidey: aaaaaa
Vulture: That's probably fair.
**People in need of real jobs**
Spidey: hello I am perfectly fine
Sandman: good to know!
Spidey: Oc you still around?
Octo: Yes.
Spidey: you had a question?
Octo: Yes. How is Dr Conners doing since you cured him? Is his recovery progressing well?
Spidey: Oh!
Spidey: I haven't checked in for a couple of weeks but last I heard he was getting ready to move out of the facility and back into a place of his own
Spidey: albeit still with weekly checkups etc to monitor him
Spidey: But he's showed no signs of going back to the Lizard so I think it's going well!
Octo: Thank you for telling me. I tried to get in touch with him but either he is unavailable or trying to ignore me
Spidey: ah
Spidey: yeah he's being quite closely monitored so he's probably trying to avoid 'consorting'
Spidey: sorry oc
Octo: I understand.
Spidey: I could try to get a message to him though? I know you guys are old friends.
Octo: I will keep that in mind. Thank you, Spider-Man.
"Morning, Flint!" Spider-Man opened the door to Markov's room and waved happily. Flint stood up and smiled.
"Hi, Spidey. We going out again?"
"You betcha!" Peter touched a control and Flint's power suppressors turned on. Fury had decided that while in his sealed cell, they could be left off, unless any of the instructors felt unsafe, but while walking through the SHIELD facility he needed to stay under control - it was protocol. The moment they were outside, however, Peter turned them off again.
The latest suppressors looked like thin copper bracelets about an inch wide, making it easy for them to go out without attracting too much attention. Their walks were increasingly frequent, and sometimes other SHIELD agents joined them (Fury was preparing others to be able to take Flint outside when Spidey wasn't available) but today it was just them.
"Where are we headed?" Flint asked.
"Down to the docks," Peter said. "It can get a little crime ridden, but it's away from the public."
It was less for the public's safety than for Flint's privacy. Spider-Man tended to draw attention no matter what he did. And okay, maybe Peter had a mild ulterior motive for heading to one of the most criminal areas of the city, but it definitely wasn't Fury-approved.
Sure enough, they'd barely been walking for 20 minutes before Peter's spidey sense gave a warning and he jumped out of the way of a giant net. Ah, Kraven. He'd been hoping for someone lower profile, like Batroc.
"Spidey?" Flint asked, in a defensive position. A laugh echoed from among the stacks of shipping crates. "What's happening?"
"It's Kraven. Stay calm, don't engage." Peter didn't turn on the suppressors and prayed he wouldn't regret it. "Stay out of the way if you can."
Flint nodded and ducked behind a crate as the hunter appeared. Peter shot a web but it must have triggered something because a barrage of arrows shot out of nowhere and he had to abandon his attack to dodge them. Kraven advanced, his spear in hand and a mad glint in his eyes.
The fight was fast-paced and messy, like it always was with Kraven. The hunter was gradually becoming winded, but he'd managed to hit Peter a couple of times and he was losing blood faster than Kraven was tiring. He was fighting for his life: this hadn't been the plan.
Another snare was sprung and Peter's legs locked together, sending him crashing to the ground. Before he could shoot a web to pull himself to safety, Kraven's boot landed on his side, pinning him. He grunted in pain.
"Hey!" Flint yelled from nearby, and Kraven's spear paused its descent.
The hunter sneered. "Who are you?"
"A friend of Spider-Man," Flint said, chin high. He met Peter's eyes through the mask. Peter's mind raced. He'd lost control of the situation. It was time to have some faith. He gave a slight nod.
Kraven raised a wrist and launched a small rocket at Flint. It struck him in the stomach and Flint Markov burst into sand.
**unhealthy obsessions who**
Sandman: guys I think I messed up
Sandman: maybe big time
Shocker: Are you okay?
Sandman: uninjured
Sandman: possibly in a lot of trouble
Shocker: Is spidey okay?
Sandman: last I saw him yeah
Sandman: but he's not responding to me and nobody's come in to talk to me
Sandman: I've missed 3 sessions and I don't know what's going on
Vulture: stay calm flint
Vulture: do you want to explain the situation?
Shocker: no pressure tho
Sandman: yeah
Sandman: yes okay
Sandman: I've been going on walks outside the facility with spidey and sometimes others
Sandman: you guys already know that
Sandman: idk if we told you but for a while I haven't had my power blockers on when we do that
Vulture: that's amazing progress!
Shocker: spidey really trusts you huh
Shocker: good for you ^-^
Sandman: I guess so. but today while we were out spidey got atacked
Sandman: by this kraven guy
Vulture: oh no
Shocker: KRAVEN??
Sandman: yeah it was intense. he told me to stay out of the fight. but he wasn't winning.
Vulture: ah
Sandman: so I stepped in to distract kraven and I swear spidey gave a me a little nod but I might have imagined it and the more I think about it the more im not sure
Sandman: so I used my powers and bought him enough time to escape and take kraven down
Sandman: he got away in the end but spidey was okay, not too injured
Sandman: I think
Sandman: I lost my blockers at some point while I was sand
Sandman: we went back to the facility and he barely said anything to me and I got locked back in my room and its been hours since and I haven't heard anything
Vulture: okay
Vulture: from what I'm hearing you did the absolute best you could in that situation
Shocker: spidey can't be mad at you if you saved his life
Vulture: I imagine your other instructors haven't showed to sessions because they have no contingency with the blockers gone so I wouldn't take that personally
Vulture: as for spidey, it was his plan to let you out without blockers so he's either dealing with his injuries or a whole lot of admin backlash
Shocker: ^
Shocker: waiting sucks bro but I don't think there's anything else you can do
Sandman: id made so much progress though what if im right back at square one
Vulture: you're not. you said you willingly went back to the facility even with your powers active?
Sandman: yeah
Vulture: that's definitely points in your favour
Shocker: absolutely. who knows, maybe this'll actually help your progress
Shocker: you definitely proved you could be trusted, at least around spidey
Sandman: I guess
Sandman: ughhh I hate waiting
Shocker: ik buddy
Shocker: I can't think of anything interesting to pass the time aaa
Shocker: @Electro come entertain us
Electro: how
Shocker: idk man you're connected to the internet figure it out
Vulture: how's your house hunt going?
Electro: awful
Shocker: ??
Electro: its been a week I swear its rigged
Vulture: the entire housing market?
Shocker: mood
Sandman: what do you mean rigged?
Electro: every single time I try to look at a website it breaks.
Electro: I look at somewhere to rent? the price suddenly skyrockets
Electro: I try to make a purchase? site crashes
Electro: I want to look at images of an apartment? won't load
Electro: I even went to stay with a friend and the moment I stepped int0 their plac€ the poWeR čut øuT!
Shocker: two guesses why and the first doesn't count
Electro: it wasn't me!
Electro: the entire rest of the building was apparently fine.
Electro: but I try to use an elevator? broken. step into a room? lights go out. stove? won't light.
Electro: i left to check on something and apparently everything went back to normal. my friend texted and said not to bother coming back
Shocker: oh, cold
Sandman: that sounds awful
Shocker: can you blame them tho? guy (gn) just wants power in their house
Electro: it wasn't my fault!
Vulture: quite a coincidence!
Electro: i know how my powers work! it wasn't me doing it!
Shocker: so who was
Electro: WAIT
Shocker: waiting
Electro: IT MUST BE THE INTERN! first he drives me out of my home, now he's conspiring to make sure I can't find a new one!
Vulture: E I know you're slightly hyperfixated on Peter rn but I think that's quite a link to make
Sandman: his expertise is in mechanical stuff and chemistry, and he enjoys dabbling in physics
Sandman: I don't know how he would manage doing that unless he was an expert hacker
Sandman: (I asked spidey on the walk before things went bad)
Shocker: ^ there ya go it wasn't the intern
Electro: you may not believe me but I KNOW it was him
Electro: he's trying to distract me from my plans
Shocker: you sound a bit delusional E. not trying to offend but you should be aware
Vulture: blaming everything on a teenager is not a great look
Shocker: looks like its working if that is his obscure plan tho haha
Electro: this isn't a joke! I have nowhere to live!
Shocker: you've bragged before that your lair is in the wires of the city
Sandman: he means there's nowhere for his massive conspiracy boards for making his evil plans.
Shocker: I see I see
Electro: no sympathy here I see
Electro: anyway Sandy what's this about you being outside without power blockers while spidey was otherwise occupied and NOT escaping?
Sandman: exactly that yeah
Vulture: the government caught him once they can do it again
Vulture: getting out legally is the only option and he's come so far why would he ruin his hard work now?
Electro: life on the run isn't as bad as you think
Vulture: it is
Shocker: secret identity my beloved
Sandman: hvgvjh
Vulture: ?
Shocker: ???
Electro: snamdna?
Electro: sandman*?
Shocker: how do you even typo without a keyboard
Electro: shut it
Shocker: >:p
Vulture: I'm guessing someone went to visit him. hopefully he learns what's going on.
Shocker: fingers crossed.
**unhealthy obsessions who**
Spidey: I am so tired
Vulture: so you come on here instead of sleeping. great plan
Vulture: how did things go with flint?
Spidey: right yeah I came on here to give you an update
Spidey: flint's in meetings rn I don't know when he'll be left alone again
Spidey: but I thought some of you might be worried so
Spidey: what he said above was all correct (and also what you said v, ty for keeping him company)
Vulture: :)
Spidey: I did give him (admittedly vague) permission to use his powers and I told the director that so flint's not in trouble too much
Spidey: I am in slightly more trouble for taking him to the docks though. especially bc director thinks I might have staged an attack deliberately
Electro: did you?
Spidey: and he can't prove anything but I've been temporarily suspended as an instructor while they run an investigation
Spidey: which sucks
Electro: wait spidey DID YOU
Spidey: might see if I can get Tony to send in his intern to keep flint company
Electro: SPIDEY
Vulture: E shh he's trying to talk
Electro: he's avoiding the question!!
Electro: also Spidey, ask the intern if he's messing with my house situation
Electro: wait no don't give him the satisfaction
Spidey: bro what??
Vulture: Electro's lost it a little, carry on
Spidey: okay
Electro: I have not LoSt iT!
Spidey: rn peter's working on making new blockers so flint can get back to routine
Spidey: but I wasn't around earlier bc I was in meetings with the director explaining the situation, then medical to get patched up, then an official debrief, then all the instructors met to discuss how this would affect the program.
Vulture: and?
Spidey: and this might actually have been a good thing maybe? most of the instructors agreed that flint's actions today were admirable. nothing else has been confirmed but if it gets through approval there are some exciting developments heading flint's way ^-^
Vulture: that's really good news
Spidey: I just hope they let me back to see them :(
Vulture: I'm sure flint does too
Vulture: but how are you doing spidey? flint said it was a rough fight
Spidey: yeaaa
Spidey: kraven hadn't upgraded his tech again yet thankfully but I still got pretty roughed up
Spidey: it's been a long day
Vulture: well thanks for taking the time to let us know what's happening
Vulture: time for some well deserved sleep
Spidey: loud and clear
Spidey: bye V, bye E
Electro: bye
Vulture: sleep well
**Private Messages**
Peter: I have so much to tell you but I need sleep first
Peter: but most important thing
Peter: step 3 was a resounding success. onto step 4!
Peter: ok im going to sleep now
*1 hour later*
Ned: nice!
Ned: I get so worried when you have things to tell me hope ur ok
Ned: do good sleeping I will officially end step 3
**unhealthy obsessions who**
Electro: I MANAGED TO BUY A HOUSE!!!!
Octo: Congratulations, I suppose.
Electro: is everyone here asleep?
Octo: I am not.
Electro: Fine. not that big a deal anyway.
Electro: the house sucks its the last one I would have chosen but it's the only one that I was actually able to buy
Electro: not that anyone cares
Electro: i'll use this free time to plan payback
Electro: the intern will regret what he's done to me
**Electro changed the chat name to intern hate club**
**intern hate club**
Shocker: good morning everyone how are we doing after the drama of yesterday?
Spidey: kjhbjnjk n tired
Spidey: I slept for so long
Vulture: that's good
Spidey: yes dad lol
Vulture: be quiet and eat your breakfast young man
Shocker: haha
Vulture: yesterday was pretty dramatic huh?
Vulture: Spidey and Flint got into a fight with the Hunter, AND Electro managed to buy a house and also made another declaration of revenge on Peter
Shocker: a revenge which has yet to escalate beyond a single petty threat
Electro: HE RETALIATED TENFOLD
Vulture: theoretically. if he was somehow behind the entire house market crashing and also lights malfunctioning around you instead of any other more plausible option
Electro: I don't need you to believe me I know I'm right
**Vulture changed the chat name to Conspiracy Chat**
**Shocker changed the group name to Birds Work for the Bourgeiosue**
Vulture: bourgeoisie*
Shocker: look. i.
Shocker: I
**Shocker changed to group name to Birds Work for the Bourgeoisie**
Shocker: nobody saw that
**Birds Work for the Bourgeoisie**
Sandman: GUYS I GOT TO HIGH FIVE PETER
Electro: Why would you want to do that T-T
Sandman: the guy is a legend why wouldn't I
Sandman: he seemed confused but amused
Shocker: that kid is wayy too chill
Sandman: right?
Shocker: guess spidey succeeded in convincing stark to share his intern
Sandman: nah he said he'd overheard Tony absolutely refusing to let him come near me or shield
Sandman: so he snuck here to see me anyway
Shocker: far too chill
Sandman: he knew I had no blockers (he said the new ones are still being synthesised) and didn't even blink
Sandman: he even asked me to show him a cool sand trick
Shocker: unhealthily chill
Shocker: did you?
Sandman: absolutely not I barely got away with yesterday
Electro: I hope that upset him
Sandman: he seemed disappointed but also kinda relieved
Sandman: maybe he was sent to test me
Sandman: spidey has me questioning everything aaa
Sandman: this program has given me self-control and also made me paranoid aha
Electro: its not paranoia everything the intern does is a trick
Shocker: E he is,, He is a child.
Electro: So is SM!
Shocker: BRO
Sandman: an actual child though. a minor
Electro: right yeah
Electro: how could I forget
**Shocker deleted one message**
Sandman: oh! right while I remember
Sandman: Otto I asked Peter what branches of science he was interested in and he confirmed what spidey told me: engineering, chemistry and bits of physics
Sandman: I also asked if he would be interested in working with you maybe and he changed the subject real quick and kinda looked like he was going to cry but didn't say no? so take that how you will
Shocker: . i. aa?
Electro: you having a heart attack?
Shocker: no no im fine carry on
Sandman: pretty sure back when he explained how he designed the blockers he said he took inspiration from some of your work though so I wouldn't say he's NOT interested
Sandman: maybe he's contracted to stark and not allowed to talk about it or something idk how interns work
Electro: Oc stay away from that boy keep him far away form your life if you value it
Vulture: I can't tell if that's a threat or a genuine warning
**Private Messages**
Shocker: Is Spider-Man Peter the intern?
Vulture: what?
Shocker: actually I don't want to know
Vulture: okay
Chapter 9: The One With The Multiple Crises
Notes:
We are, slowly but surely, growing a plot. Maybe.
Chapter Text
Peter could barely remember what his life had been like before the group chat. Not normal, naturally, but certainly a lot more sane than whatever reality he was living in. And while he enjoyed texting the villains-slash-reformed-ex-villains, he had to admit there was a constant undercurrent of fear. Despite his efforts, they knew far more about him than he'd ever wanted to let on.
Toomes knew his identity, even if they'd both been carefully dancing around the subject, and given Shocker's recent strange behaviour Peter suspected the thief had suspicions of his own. Electro knew Spider-Man's age, and his obsession with Peter meant he had to be on constant high alert to avoid giving away his identity while he was being watched. Doc Ock knew the least, but he was the most dangerous, and even he was starting to show an interest in plain ol' Peter Parker.
And throughout it all, Peter had to work hard to keep Flint on the straight and narrow, make sure Toomes was committed to his retirement, deal with his other villains, stop Ned from worrying about it, and keep it all a secret from Tony.
Peter was maybe a teeny tiny bit stressed. Maybe there was an alternate universe where none of them had powers and could be normal, regular friends.
Yeah, not likely.
**Sultana Brow Squad**
Spidey: Do you guys think we exist in a parallel universe?
Octo: There is scientific evidence of alternate realities.
Spidey: That wasn't the question I already knew that
Spidey: I mean... is there a universe where we're all just regular people?
Octo: It is statistically improbable.
Spidey: So is my whole life dude.
Octo: Don't call me dude.
Shocker: wait no that's fun to think about
Shocker: maybe there's a universe where we're the heroes and Spidey's a supervillain
Spidey: that's more like what I'm talking about!
Spidey: but I don't want to be a villain :,<
Sandman: awww
Sandman: ooh ooh I've got a good one!
Sandman: maybe there's one where octavius is actually an octopus
Shocker: yes!!
Shocker: And V is an actual tired dad vulture
Sandman: And Spidey is actually a spider
Spidey: haha yes
Spidey: would I still be a hero?
Sandman: hmmm maybe but everyone's scared of you
Spidey: awww :c
Shocker: and your name would be Man-Spider instead
Spidey: ???
Shocker: what was your supposed origin story?
Spidey: nothing 'supposed' about it
Spidey: I got bit by a radioactive spider
Shocker: okay so in this parallel world you're a spider that got bit by a radioactive guy
Spidey: I.... logistically I think this has some flaws
Sandman: shhhh let him cook
Spidey: wjkhvgwhdjnkbh who taught you 'let him cook'
Shocker: shut spidey let me cook
Spidey: perishing
Shocker: and bc your spider buddies no longer accept you you become the amazing man-spider and save the day etc etc and whatever you do with your life
Spidey: so basically I'd end up being the same but the world would suck more?
Shocker: yeah!
Spidey: no thanks
Spidey: kudos for the hyphenation tho
Octo: There are many logistical flaws.
Shocker: oh? you're still here??
Octo: In a theoretical animal-based universe it would be more likely for Spider-Man to be known as Spiders-Man
Spidey: okay I'm intrigued
Octo: I have studied the behaviour of genetically enhanced spiders. They have boosted strength, intelligence and teamwork. It is likely that if there was a spider hero, it would consist of a colony of spiders working in tandem.
Shocker: horrifying
Spidey: so you think I would pull off my mask and just thousands of spiders swarm out?
Octo: Indeed.
Shocker: I repeat, horrifying
Spidey: horrifying but oddly compelling
Spidey: aw man if I didn't hate spiders I could try and make something to control them like ant man does
Shocker: horrifying horrifying
Spidey: I could have a spider army at my command. I could even make spiders-man a reality!
Spidey: but alas, arachnophobia ;-;
Shocker: thank the lord for small mercies I guess
Spidey: I mean. you have no proof that I'm NOT actually a colony of spiders in this world
Shocker: we actually do but nice try
Spidey: aw man yeah
Spidey: you guys need to stop poking me this suit is hard to sew up
Octo: You mean stabbing?
Spidey: I said what I said otto
Shocker: also arachnophobia ^
Spidey: maybe I'm a colony of spiders with severe self-hatred issues did you consider that?
Sandman: I know lots of people who could help you with that Spidey
Sandman: would you prefer to be called Spider-Man or Spider-Colony after this revelation?
Sandman: ty for sharing with us btw I'm so honoured that you trust us <3
Spidey: -Man is fine, thanks for checking tho ^^
Shocker: I'm going to sleep
Shocker: nerds
Spidey: aw love you too
**Electro changed the chat name to Wrinkly Raisin Face**
Spidey: I'm sorry have you just been lurking this entire time??
Sandman: sultana brow was better >:(
Spidey: aww no look you made him do the face
**Spidey changed the chat name to Rinkly Raision Face**
Electro: raision
Sandman: raision
Spidey: jkhbknbh I can't type okay
**Spidey changed the chat name to Rinkly Raisin Face**
**Sandman changed the chat name to Wrinkly Wraisin Face**
Shocker: guys cmon let a man sleep
Spidey: sorry shocker :<
Sandman: sorry shocker :<
**Wrinkly Wraisin Face**
Octo: I still do not understand why this exists.
Vulture: The universe? Life? This chat? The chat name? Something else you're looking at?
Octo: This chat. It makes no logical sense that Spider-Man should continue communing with 'villains'.
Shocker: /communing/??
Shocker: You weren't confused by this before?
Octo: Before I wasn't aware of how scientifically minded he is. If he is not a fool, surely he knows that the longer he speaks to us, the more likely he is to give away crucial information pertaining to his identity
Shocker: so sorry let me just google translate 'pertaining' lol you're really on a roll today
Shocker: but yeah I think the answer is he has no self preservation and aslo is on a crusade to fix us
Octo: I do not need to be 'fixed'.
Shocker: not so sure about that but yeah some of us are beyond fixing
Octo: Even if this was his motive, surely there are safer ways to attempt it?
Spidey: oh hi talking about me behind my back?
Spidey: what villainous behaviour
Spidey: have you considered that if I wanted to be '''safe''' I would have stayed home and just not become a vigilante
Spidey: also shocker *also
Shocker: now you've broken the word its not a word anymore
Shocker: also also also also
Spidey: also also also also also also also
Spidey: mwahaha
Octo: How is it you can talk just as much and as fast over text as in person?
Spidey: you said it yourself doc: I'm a scientific marvel
Octo: My question stands. Why risk talking to us?
Spidey: that. is a good question tbh
Spidey: but Shocker figured it out! I'm here to save you! and I've found the perfect way to absolve you all of your criminal pasts and lead you into a bright future of innocence and heroics!
Shocker: this'll be good
Spidey: are you ready? for your lives to change forever?
Spidey: for your worldview to shift dramatically?
Shocker: one sec lemme sit down
Shocker: okay ready
Spidey: here we go......
Spidey: ........
Spidey: Crime is not the answer.
Shocker: ..
Shocker: I agree
Spidey: ...you do?
Shocker: Crime is the question
Electro: And the answer is yes
Spidey: The answer is NO
Spidey: also E coming right out of nowhere again do you spend your whole life lurking??
Spidey: @Vulture come back help me wrangle the kiddies
Vulture: you're on your own there
Spidey: ;-;
Spidey: E,,, lurking is villainous behaviour you should cut it out
Electro: no
Vulture: I know a lost cause when I see one
Shocker: did you just call me a lost cause???
Vulture: it's what friends are for
Shocker: i. you can't insult me and then pull the friendship card
Vulture: hate you <3
Shocker: I can't stay mad at you
Shocker: hate you too <3
Electro: get a room
Spidey: no stay this is beautiful
Spidey: I want to be the flower girl at your wedding
Shocker: clearly Otto would be better at throwing confetti than you
Spidey: uM?
Spidey: I could get more arms! if I wanted them!!
Vulture: please do not get more arms
Electro: I'm going to have nightmares about you acquiring extra arms. disembodied limbs everywhere. horrifying <3
Spidey: ewwww I meant I'd ask Peter to build me some
Vulture: that's even worse nightmare fuel for him
Electro: is this actually a conspiracy to make Peter the next doc oc?
**Vulture changed the group name to The Evil Peter Agenda**
Spidey: pls don't manifest that do you know how difficult that would be for me
Electro: please, you wouldn't stand a chance against stark's intern
Shocker: crying
Vulture: *gentle pat*
Spidey: aaand we're right back to the 'get a room' part of the convo
Shocker: good riddance
Vulture: can't help but notice that electro still refuses to type 'Peter'
Shocker: aanaard we're back to Peter
Shocker: im going to have a breakdown
Electro: why do you care? you haven't even met him??
Shocker: T-TT-T
Vulture: leave the man alone, he's suffering
Electro: I got KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE I don't care about his suffering
Electro: and then he made me move into the WORST OPTION and NOBODY BELIEVES ME
Spidey: lmao
Shocker: I'm off on a mental health break @ me if you really need me
Shocker: or if anything interesting happens
Vulture: valid, have fun
Spidey: bye!
Electro: bye shocker
Spidey: ....what was that about?
Electro: not a clue
Spidey: hope he's okay :/
Electro: nobody wished me well when I was HOMELESS >:C
Vulture: you kinda deserved that tho
Electro: .
Electro: I am also taking a health break see you never
Vulture: bye then
Spidey: byee
**Private Messages**
Herman: How long have you suspected?
Adrian: A very long time.
Herman: I am. so sorry.
Adrian: thanks
Herman: T-T
Adrian: that sums it up yeah
**Private Messages**
Peter: ik we're well into step 4 now
Peter: but I'm still reaping the rewards of step 3 and I need you to know how much fun I'm having
Peter: tysm for your participation :)
Ned: haha yw
Ned: i still think it's insane you actually text those guys
Peter: me too but Ned you need to understand how hilarious it is
Ned: your life, dude. your life
**The Evil Peter Agenda**
Spidey: urghhh there are too many supers in this city
Shocker: ...that's our line but okay
**Shocker changed the group name to Evil Spider-Man Agenda??**
Spidey: no you don't understand they have no respect for the Schedule!!
Shocker: okay buddy I'm going to need you to back up and give me an explanation
Spidey: Johnny Storm was in my brooding spot :<<<
Shocker: ...
Sandman: bro what?
Spidey: okok
Spidey: so we (the vigilantes of this fair city) have something of an agreement
Spidey: there's a google doc
Shocker: good grief
Spidey: I think it started when daredevil and cage kept running into each other on rooftops
Spidey: and instead of sorting it out between themselves they decided to be petty and get everyone involved
Shocker: I can feel myself aging rapidly
Shocker: can't believe you said 'daredevil' and 'petty' in the same breath
Spidey: I'm not breathing-
Shocker: shut you know what I mean
Sandman: you should breathe its good for your soul
Spidey: anyway wdym? DD is nice. kinda a wet rag tbh
Shocker: kehjfgwj
Shocker: OKAY
Shocker: fun fact time
Spidey: i'm in the middle of a rant but ok shoot
Shocker: when new villains show up if we're feeling kind we tell them to stick to midtown and do NOT cross 8th ave
Shocker: Daredevils anger issues are freakin terrifying man
Spidey: YOU TELL PEOPLE TO STAY IN MY AREA?
Spidey: is this why nobody else has to deal with absolute loons????
Sandman: um rude
Spidey: THIS IS YOUR FAULT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT
Spidey: This is the most offended/hurt/damaged I've ever been by a villain ever
Shocker: honoured
Spidey: I try chatting to my fellow vigilantes as we draw sticks for the Empire State and they get to talk about gangs and criminals and stuff and I'm over in the corner all 'yeah I had another dude dressed as an animal trying to kill me personally for no reason last week hahaha hbu?'
Spidey: and it's because you people think DD is SCARY??
Shocker: .... yes?
Spidey: what so I could put itty bitty horns on my mask and you'd all leave me alone and go bother Harlem?
Shocker: ....no
Spidey: jnbhsaiocjh why me why is this my life
Sandman: hey can we pls rewind to 'brooding spot'?
Spidey: I suppose. I need to go brood somewhere for real after this revelation
Shocker: I'm sorry I just cannot picture you brooding
Spidey: I don't really. dd is the brooding champ
Spidey: basically we all met up and agreed a schedule of who got to hang out on which cool buildings when. also there are some grotty little rooftops that the others were fighting over but wth dude I want to be up high where its clean thanks you can keep them
Spidey: there are also some emergency standby brooding spots. for emergency brooding.
Shocker: I can't believe I actually thought you guys were more normal than us
Spidey: I don't often use my spots but sometimes I like to go up to enjoy the view and get some air, you know? you can get some cool photos
Spidey: but I stick to my allotted time bc I am a good, law abiding citizen
Shocker: sure haha
Spidey: but today I went and JOHNNY FRICKING STORM was there???? in MY spot??
Shocker: that's another hero I cannot imagine brooding
Spidey: HE WASN'T
Spidey: he was FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE OVER THE PHONE
Sandman: is there even signal up that high?
Spidey: yeah the signal is actually great but NOT THE POINT HE DEFILED MY SACRED BROODING SPOT
Shocker: which you don't brood in
Spidey: also not the point the POINT is I should be able to brood if I want to brood and he forcefully revoked my brooding rights. it'll never be the same up there again. do you understand my issue
Sandman: was he not at the meeting?
Spidey: no because he's not a vigilante he's part of a team! he's never in the city! he has his own literal skyscraper on which to fulfil his every brooding need! but he stole mine!!!
Shocker: rich entitlement. that sucks, pal.
Spidey: thank you! it does!
Shocker: want to help me break into his house and get revenge?
Spidey: no
Spidey: but the sentiment is appreciated ty
**Evil Spider-Man Agenda??**
Shocker: I'm afraid we've manifested something with that group name
Vulture: ??
Shocker: TV
Vulture: TVing
Shocker: hey @Spidey is that you being chased by cops on the news?
Octo: If it is then he'll hardly be in a position to answer.
Shocker: tru tru
Octo: It is him, I recognise his body language.
Vulture: I hope you realise how not normal it is that you can just say stuff like that
Spidey: Hey guys if anyone wants to run interference for me that would be brill.
Octo: Your abilities are more than sufficient to escape law enforcement.
Shocker: Me? Going against the police? Being anything but a good, law-abiding citizen? Shame on you for even suggesting it, Spidey!
Vulture: I'm good thanks. Also I'm not in the state. Also don't text and swing, we've been over this
Spidey: And I have Karen, we've been over this.
Shocker: you can tell it's not him typing because there's actual punctuation
Vulture: like you can talk
Shocker: pot, meet kettle
Octo: All of you have remarkably inconsistent typing styles.
Spidey: You're all so very helpful. [large levels of sarcasm detected]
Shocker: Thanks Karen we got that.
Spidey: What?
Shocker: your bot is providing very useful tone indicators
Spidey: I did not teach her to do that. Karen who taught you to do that?
Spidey: Good grief.
Shocker: what did she say?
Vulture: I'm sorry are you still chatting while being followed by a police helicopter?
Spidey: Absolutely not sir. [sarcasm detected]
Shocker: Spides I think I'm in love with your Karen
Spidey: Absolutely not, to both of you.
Shocker: oh?? what's she saying
Shocker: you using punctuation is so uncanny valley actually ew
Vulture: well the news helicopter's lost you
Spidey: Working on it.
Vulture: well now the police copter looks lost too
Spidey: Okay, I think we're clear.
Spidey: lhkdjvgdhak i made it to a train we're good
Vulture: Goodbye, punctuation.
Spidey: i don't need no grammar rules
**Spidey changed the chat name to Lawless Land**
Shocker: speaking of, bro??
Shocker: why were the cops after you?
Spidey: oh sometimes they remember im a vigilante and try to detain me
Spidey: they'll forget in a week or so
Vulture: huh.
Shocker: isn't your whole shtick being the most wholesome vigilante in the us
Spidey: not. intentionally?
Spidey: I didn't know I had a shtick or that it was spelled like that
Shocker: is that not the point of your image? your branding?
Spidey: i'm so confused pls help
Vulture: what he's trying to say is that by having such a bright suit, friendly approach, largely anti-violent tactics etc you have a bit of a reputation
Shocker: not to mention the notes
Shocker: which SPEAKING OF I saw one the other day and bro??
Spidey: bro?
Shocker: Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man?
Spidey: yes? ig its a bit of a mouthful but I don't see a problem?
Shocker: /neighbourhood/??
Shocker: look me in the eye are you or are you not secretly British
Spidey: oh boy
Spidey: you caught me guvna
Vulture: T-T
Vulture: Shocker have you ever heard this guy speak he has the most obnoxious Queens accent known to man
Spidey: thanks! im honestly so flattered
Spidey: I mean. crikey mate. uhh cuppa.
Vulture: you've never met a real life briton and it shows
Spidey: you mean the fictional ones have lied to me?
Shocker: yes
Spidey: (also I did not know brit was short for something whoops)
Spidey: my life is a lie
Shocker: lovely for you but I would like to return to WHY IS THERE A U
Spidey: because words deserve all the Us
Shocker: is this just another one of those things you're baselessly unreasonable about
Spidey: yes^^
Shocker: okay then
**Lawless Land**
Spidey: Hey doc I have a burning question for you
Spidey: hey
Spidey: @Octo
Sandman: it's 2am
Spidey: yeah and?
Shocker: and he's the only one of us with a healthy sleep schedule apparently.
Shocker: I was actually asleep tho so I'm mad at you now btw
Shocker: or I will be later. gn
Sandman: night!
Spidey: sweet dreams!
Electro: what do you need to ask him?
Spidey: nunya
Vulture: real mature
Spidey: is oc really the only one asleep?
Sandman: like I said. healthy sleep schedule.
Electro: who's she lol
Spidey: sandy you have a full timetable you should be getting rest. and you too V don't think I didn't see you you're an old man you need plenty of sleep
Vulture: uM
Electro: what about me? do I not deserve rest?
Spidey: oops yeah sorry forgot
Spidey: E definitely needs all the beauty sleep possible
Electro: WOW OKAY
Sandman: I believe this is called hypocrisy, Spidey
Spidey: ....did you just call me ugly??
Sandman: I meant about the being awake at 2am thing idk what u look like
Spidey: no idea what you mean I am sound asleep
Sandman: sure
Spidey: no really I am
Spidey: goodnight!
**Lawless Land**
Octo: What was so urgent that you needed to ask me at 2am this morning?
Octo: Spider-Man?
Electro: lmao he's still asleep
**Lawless Land**
Spidey: ijhjgvijkbh doc wth
Spidey: why were you awake at 6 am
Octo: I could ask you the same question for 2am
Spidey: . reasons
Octo: Quite.
Octo: I enjoy a prompt start so that I can make the most of the day for science.
Spidey: you mean evil masterplans
Octo: Those too. Although they count as science, in my opinion.
Spidey: sure they do
Octo: What was your question?
Spidey: Right! how do you spell your name?
Octo: Excuse me?
Spidey: your name?
Octo: Dr Otto Octavius?
Spidey: Nono the other one
Spidey: is it doc oc? ock? im really confused
Spidey: bc I use them interchangeably and I've realised there's probably a correct answer
Spidey: and ock gives off certain vibes but also it's short for octopus so surely it should be oc
Spidey: and I've seen both used in various news articles
Spidey: so I thought I'd ask the source himself
Octo: Spider-Man.
Spidey: yes?
Octo: At no point in my life did I choose to be called 'Doctor Octopus' or any of its derivatives.
Octo: Doc Oc/Ock is a moniker that you created.
Spidey: i. I. I-
Spidey: I need to go and think about some things.
Shocker: I'm so sorry I'm trying rlly heard to stay quiet and let you two have your moment but also I can't unsee the pronouns so have this:
Shocker: Dr Otto Octavius (oc/ock)
Electro: HAHAHAHAHA YES
Shocker: ew no /you/ weren't meant to find it funny
Electro: haha suffer I took joy from one of your actions
Shocker: nonono I take it back pls
Electro: neverrr
Electro: Spidey you done with the crisis yet?
Shocker: give him a sec these revelations can be. world altering.
Electro: you say that like you have experience?
Shocker: no comment
Electro: wonder how long until he realises he named all of us
Spidey: AJISUVFHIJONCBVAUHIJOENIV no
Shocker: hate to break it to you pal but you kinda did
Electro: I would say let him cook but I think he's probably melting instead
Shocker: We'll give him a sec
Shocker: not entirely sure what the issue is tbh it's just like. uhhh. nicknames? ig
Spidey: no you don't get it I forged your villain identities I named you and hence gave you power I am responsible for your villainy and crimes
Electro: uhuh sure buddy
Shocker: I mean personally I would blame the system and also cost of living but you do you
Electro: shocker would be shockering whether he was called shocker or the incredible duvet man or the evil quilted one or whatever
Shocker: I
Shocker: Spidey pls can I change my name to The Evil Quilted One?
Shocker: I can't even be mad at him bullying me about the uniform bc that's an awesome name
Spidey: im still having a crisis here do whatever u want
Shocker: rad ok
Spidey: not allowed to say rad
Shocker: you said I could do whatever I want.
Shocker: dad
Electro: ahaha yes he named us he birthed us into villainy he is our father
Spidey: sopibdnbbing whyuyuyyyy
Electro: Spider-Man: the mothership of villainy
Shocker: aha that sounds like the title of a 12th sequel that nobody goes to see
Electro: sponsored by daily bugle haha
Shocker: Unlike:
**Shocker changed the chat name to The Evil Quilted One + minions**
Electro: ewww no I refuse to be called a minion
Shocker: fair fair they ruined a perfectly respectable job title
**Shocker changed the chat name to The Evil Quilted One + goons**
Spidey: nono
Spidey: nope
Spidey: worse change it
Shocker: i? okay??
Electro: yeah they ruined that one too
Shocker: i'm running out T-T
**Shocker changed the chat name to The Evil Quilted One + assorted felons**
Electro: thumbs up
Spidey: I do not enjoy being included in that group
Shocker: tough
Spidey: ;-;
Shocker: crisis over yet?
Spidey: not exactly but it's not going to be so carry on
Electro: hey I have a question
Spidey: a question????
Shocker: from internet man?????
Spidey: intriguing
Shocker: thrilling
Electro: you two are idiots
Spidey: <3
Shocker: <3<3
Shocker: questionnn
Electro: do you believe in ghosts?
Shocker: no
Spidey: entirely and unquestioningly, why?
Shocker: bro?
Electro: how do I explain
Shocker: ghosts bro? really??
Spidey: bestie do you know how many insane things have happened to me in this short life
Spidey: if I say ghosts aren't real you bet one'll attack next wednesday
Shocker: why Wednesday?
Spidey: odin hates me personally
Shocker: if a ?????? could be in capital letters this one would be
Electro: hey can we get back on track??
Spidey: sure thing who's haunting you?
Spidey: ghost of crimes future telling you they're a bad idea?
Shocker: loll
Electro: no I just. idk things are weird in my house.
Shocker: the new one?
Spidey: like what?
Electro: hard to say. stuff works, it's not like before. but I keep hearing things.
Shocker: like what?
Electro: I don't know! Anytime I go looking there's nothing there
Electro: I also feel like I'm being watched
Electro: and I swear some of my stuff moves when I leave a room, I keep walking into things
Electro: and yes, S, my new house where else
Shocker: the one that you think Peter forced you into?
Shocker: the last available option?
Electro: .
Electro: yes
Shocker: lmao
Electro: you think the intern is doing this???
Shocker: lmao
Electro: how though? I would sense any electronics in here, and there's no way he could do this stuff by breaking in
Spidey: so your immediate assumption is ghosts?
Spidey: I can HEAR your paranoia growing calm down
Electro: it's. it's all a conspiracy
Electro: my house is either haunted or rigged
Spidey: consider: you were rigged into a haunted house
Shocker: lmao
Electro: THIS IS NOT A LMAO SITUATION SHOCKER
Spidey: yeah O quilted one, read the room
Spidey: lol
Electro: LOL IS NOT APPROPRIATE EITHER
Spidey: whoops my bad
Spidey: ....
Electro: don't
Shocker: do it do it
Spidey: ....rofl
**Private Messages**
Shocker: are you or are you not filming electro inside his house
Spidey: not.
Shocker: sure
Shocker: do you or do you not have access to footage of him throwing his phone against the wall right now
Spidey: ..
Spidey: give me 5 minutes
**Private Messages**
Peter: Ned I need a solid no questions asked
Ned: afraid
Peter: the phase 4 cameras? I need a clip from a minute ago
Peter: untraceable format pls
Peter: you'll know it when you see it
Ned: ok
Ned: I really don't want to know why you need this, do I.
Peter: probably not, no.
**Private Messages**
Spidey: here **attachment**
Spidey: don't you dare tell him they're there
Shocker: cross my heart
Shocker: do I want to know why they're there?
Spidey: probably but I'm not telling
Shocker: are you sure you're not secretly a supervillain
Shocker: I'm so close to pitying electro it's not healthy
Spidey: i'm not the mastermind I just know about it promise
Spidey: I only have access via someone else
Shocker: let me guess: peter's the mastermind
Spidey: actually not
Shocker: oh? who??
Spidey: not telling :p
Shocker: god I sometimes forget you're an infant
Spidey: clearly I'm not trying hard enough. this is weird though so byee
Shocker: fair lol bye
Spidey: you owe me one now btw
Shocker: lord save me
Spidey: :)
**The Evil Quilted One + assorted felons**
Vulture: I'd like to state for the record that Spidey did not name me
Spidey: thank goodness
Spidey: im not ready to be a grandad
Sandman: you named YOURSELF Vulture??
Vulture: it was my callsign during raids back when I had a team
Spidey: ohhhh I thought it was your Villain Name and you forced the henchdudes to call you that
Vulture: I??
Sandman: henchdude?
Spidey: like henchman but gender neutral. a currently non-controversial replacement for g**n/mini*n
Vulture: did you just censor-
Spidey: yes. yes I did.
Spidey: problem?
Vulture: no sir
Sandman: is dude neutral?
Spidey: it is in my heart. we've been over this remember?
Sandman: yes sir
Spidey: you're both incorrigible
Sandman: ooo big word sir
Vulture: can I borrow a dictionary sir
Spidey: V I thought you were better than this
Vulture: can't tell me off ur not my dad
Spidey: deep deep sigh
Vulture: retirement is mildly boring let me find entertainment where I can
Spidey: i. you know what I can't even argue. well done for finding healthy and safe ways to occupy yourself.
Vulture: you wouldn't know what that's like
Spidey: nope
Sandman: i am trying
Vulture: it's worth it
Vulture: I've made so many lists
Sandman: oh?
Spidey: example??
Vulture: Anytime there's a banger of a conversation I write down great quotes and will change the group name to a reference to them at a random time when you've forgotten the context
Spidey: banger T-T
Sandman: what's on there?
Vulture: telling you would spoil the fun.
Spidey: unbelievable
Spidey: you should go back to crime if you're just going to troll instead
Spidey: I didn't just say that
Vulture: ha
Spidey: I'm still an excellent role model promise
Sandman: I won't tell if you don't
**Spidey has deleted one message**
Electro: deleted what?
Sandman: ahaha ten seconds too late to the drama
Electro: V what did he say
Vulture: im no snitch
Electro: are you just 12 now
Sandman: yea Spidey's the dad of the group now
Spidey: ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
Spidey: wait
Spidey: if I named you guys. if I (unknowingly) had naming privileges this whole time
Electro: no
Spidey: could I
Electro: absolutely not
Spidey: REname you?
Electro: my name is stupid enough without you making it worse
Spidey: you say that but. I unlocked a memory during my crisis
Sandman: oh?
Spidey: yes oh
Spidey: initially I was calling you 'Electron' in my head because I was in a physics phase.and. well you see I went to call you that but you zapped me before I could finish
Sandman: OH?
Vulture: OH????
Spidey: and reporters heard me yelling it and printed 'Electro' and then you started using it in your monologues all 'You canNot deFeat ElecTrO mwahaHA' and idk it would be too awkward to change it so it stuck and I forgot that happened
Sandman: imagine being able to casually forget social mistakes
Vulture: imagine
Sandman: you must sleep so well without your brain replaying your mistakes
Spidey: no, oh no. there are just so many to choose from that some slip through the cracks
Vulture: you ok electro? you've gone quiet
Electro: yeah I'm fine just having a mild identity crisis
Electro: not only did I allow a pint sized hero to define me. but i. I misheard him.
Spidey: that's rough buddy
Electro: I need to sit down I think
Vulture: you do that
Sandman: hey spidey why would you want to rename us anyway? I like mine
Vulture: it is? the most basic name?
Vulture: no offence ofc
Sandman: I mean yeah but he basically named me after himself right?
Sandman: If he's dad then im junior yk?
Vulture: no I do not know
Electro: wth are you on about
Sandman: Spidery guy, Spider-Man. Sandy guy, Sandman. same naming convention!
Electro: but you didn't get a hyphen
Sandman: maybe I didn't want a hyphen
Sandman: or maybe the press spelt it wrong
Sandman: have i. have I been spelling it wrong
Vulture: @Spidey help crisis incoming
Spidey: oh uhhhhhh
Spidey: I?? Don't think??? it was hyphenated in my brain?
Spidey: hope that helps
Sandman: who am I what am I how did I become this
Spidey: that's a no okay sorry
Shocker: what have I just walked in on?
Vulture: walk away
Shocker: shh reading
Shocker: V you guys had callsigns? that's so organised
Shocker: not sure why im surprised
Vulture: yeah okay todays a day of revelations fun fact:
Vulture: One of my (deep sigh) henchdudes was called Shocker
Spidey: whaaaaaat
Shocker: plot twist
Spidey: did you name all your henchdudes? how creative were you?
Vulture: Only the main ones I would talk to over comms. Shocker was called that because he had the electric gauntlets. I trusted him to defend the warehouse.
Shocker: you couldn't have called him zappy or smth?
Vulture: I didn't know you back then
Shocker: so I need to go fight someone to defend my identity?
Spidey: you're just jealous his tech was relevant to his name
Shocker: you're literally the one that called me this you can't criticise relevance
Vulture: You can't fight him, he's dead.
Shocker: oh. I'm so sorry.
Vulture: Thanks.
Electro: this is why you wear the quilt huh S?
Shocker: read the room, dude.
Spidey: What happened?
Vulture: He tried to blackmail me. I wanted to scare him a bit, make him see reason. I shot him with the wrong weapon and instead of just hitting the ceiling he died.
Shocker: that's awful V I'm so sorry
Spidey: I think you've mentioned this before. I'm glad you felt like you could share it here.
Vulture: yeah.
Vulture: I'm going to go now if that's okay?
Shocker: of course
Spidey: see you later
Patrols hadn't become quieter, exactly, just... more predictable. Given he now spoke to his main villains almost daily, he could usually tell when one of them was planning something and could prepare accordingly. The ones who weren't in the group were either high-profile enough that he would know if they'd escaped where they were being held (Green Goblin, Kraven) or easy enough to handle that he didn't worry about them much (Batroc, random street criminals). Fortunately, this meant Peter enjoyed going out as Spider-Man even more than he usually did.
Unfortunately, it meant he let his guard down just enough that when the attack happened, he didn't see it coming and there was nothing he could do to get away.
**Breakdown Central**
Sandman: It's been a few days since we've heard from Spidey
Shocker: yeah I noticed that
Shocker: @Spidey are we boring you?
Sandman: I hope he's alright. I miss seeing him at the facility, too.
Vulture: he'll be back as soon as they get through paperwork, it always takes longer than you think
Electro: lets not have a repeat of the funeral incident just yet
Shocker: yeah haha or someone's going to have another breakdown
Electro: real (it'll be me)
Shocker: no me
Sandman: no me
Vulture: children, please.
Chapter 10: The One With The Two Nickels
Summary:
Bit of a tone shift in this one, back to regularly scheduled chaos next chapter. Enjoy!
Notes:
Apologies if you got the update notification, someone pointed out there were inconsistencies with Vulture being in prison so I added a very small, barely plot-relevant bit and some tiny edits to fix that.
Chapter Text
**It's all a conspiracy**
Shocker: yo Sandy
Sandman: yo?
Shocker: you mentioned spidey wasn't back working with you earlier
Sandman: no ;-;
Shocker: and I realised we hadn't heard much about how it's going w you
Sandman: oh!
Sandman: things are fine :) I didn't realise how much pushing spidey was doing to keep me progressing though, nothing new's happened for ages
Sandman: it's a little frustrating tbh
Shocker: aw :/
Sandman: since the incident I know they're being more cautious, I still go outside sometimes and am allowed blockers off inside my cell but it doesn't feel like we're aiming for anything anymore.
Vulture: They still haven't given you any idea of an end goal? no release date or trust target/tests?
Sandman: not that they've told me no ://
Shocker: well. that sucks.
Shocker: they were doing so well for a while too I was almost about to release my skepticism
Shocker: but no
Sandman: ;~;
Vulture: idk how much you talk to your supervisors/instructors but it might be worth dropping a few hints about progress and/or asking if they're closer to getting spidey back
Sandman: yeah, okay. thanks
Vulture: Anytime, Flint :)
**It's all a conspiracy**
Vulture: I have to tell you something and I'm doing it now at 5am because I don't think any of you will be awake because I don't want to talk about it so if you are awake please just ignore this.
Vulture: I've been back in prison for two days. They found some weapons that look like the ones I used to make circulating again and they've taken me in until the investigation goes through.
Vulture: I don't know if they're really mine or just similar. I didn't exactly make an effort to clean up my own mess. But I swear I had nothing to do with them being traded again. I'm just really hoping that the evidence shows the same and I won't have to stay in here for long.
Vulture: Please please don't respond to this at all. I really don't want to talk about it. I'll let you know if there are any important updates. I just thought you deserved to know, and sorry if I seem a bit down. I'm trying.
**Private Messages**
Ned: Peter please
Ned: Karen, if you're seeing this tell him I need my friend back
Ned: I miss you
Ned: I feel so useless. I wish there was something I could do
**It's all a conspiracy**
Vulture: I know I am actually old etc etc but I really feel it sometimes
Shocker: wow and spidey isn't even here rn
Shocker: did you happen across another youthful creature?
Electro: why would you say it like that?
Vulture: Just got off the phone with my wife and daughter
Vulture: daughter hasn't been around for a while (college etc) but WOW do they basically speak a different language
Shocker: lmao what did she say?
Vulture: I'm not even sure tbh. Made a lot of references that went right over my head, I think.
Shocker: well at least she's talking to you again!
Vulture: :)))
Electro: Ah, it must be so hard, Vulture, to not be 'down with the kids' as you old folks say
Shocker: you're not allowed to talk
Shocker: do you even have an age?
Electro: I was born as a regular human being so yeah???
Shocker: ok but do you age?
Electro: wow this sure got invasive. how old are you?
Shocker: timeless.
Electro: that's old man speak for old as the dinosaurs, right?
Vulture: Electro, don't even deny that you're as outdated as the rest of us
Electro: at least I haven't retired!
Vulture: retirement's great, you should try it.
Electro: bet Spidey'd love that
Shocker: I would love to retire
Electro: Surely retirement isn't that great in prison?
Vulture: much more relaxed than trying to break out, actually
Shocker: I can see that
Shocker: @Electro what's the latest plot?
Electro: as if I'd tell you where anyone could see
Vulture: since when was spidey 'anyone'?
Shocker: yeah E I remember the days when you were obsessed with spidey and not a random teenager
Electro: im sorry did you forget that the random teenager tricked ALL of us and also works for our #1 enemy?
Shocker: capitalism?
Electro: -.-
Electro: Tony Stark
Shocker: hmmm while I can see how you'd think they're the same thing, they're actually subtly different-
Electro: V, back me up
Vulture: nope!
Vulture: I am happily retired, which means no more feuds against superheroes that don't even notice me ^-^
Shocker: no feuds but still grudges amirite
Vulture: shhh let me have this
Vulture: @Shocker its not usual for you to get mentioned on the news, all ok?
Shocker: No my tech malfunctioned
Vulture: Oh no all good?
Shocker: No I broke my arm
Shocker: Waiting to see if they caught me getting injured before I go to hospital
Vulture: can you afford it?
Shocker: I'm going to have to
Shocker: I should have enough in savings but it'll clear me out
Electro: you have savings? what for?
Vulture: don't be mean E
Electro: >:p
Shocker: doesn't matter now
Vulture: ...okay. hope it's all ok. keep us updated
Electro: I can try to mess with the medical system and drop the fee but you'll owe me
Shocker: ill think on it
Shocker: for now im going to take painkillers and sleep
Vulture: good plan
Sandman: oh no!! hope you recover quickly
Shocker: thanks they didn't catch it on camera and no mention in the news
Shocker: so im in hospital now they've got me on the good stuff
Shocker: going to be so very fun to pay for later lmaooo
Sandman: I'm so sorry bro
Shocker: yeah
**It's all a conspiracy**
Vulture: Morning everyone.
Vulture: How's the arm, S?
Shocker: , bad, thanks ^^
Shocker: can't afford the drugs anymore so sleeping is a no
Vulture: Are you out of hospital?
Shocker: yeah I didn't even stay overnight
Shocker: been out for a few days, still hurts like the fires of hell
Shocker: how are you doing?
Vulture: oh you know.
Vulture: Pretty badly actually
Shocker: ah.
Shocker: want to talk?
Vulture: Nothing specific, just low. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment, yk?
Shocker: yeah. usually this chat's a break from it but idk everything's just been dismal lately
Shocker: it's weird without spidey showing up every few days with random thoughts
Vulture: Yeah. I hope he's ok, wherever he is.
Shocker: yeah
Vulture: ...
***Vulture changed the group name to breakdown central***
Shocker: ha
Electro: well. This was thrilling.
Shocker: glad we could entertain you
**Private messages**
Peter: Ned
Ned: PETER OMG
***phone call from Ned Leeds declined***
Ned: phone me rn where ru
Peter: can't talk but I'm somewhere safe
Peter: sorry for worrying you
Ned: Worried? Peter it's been a week
Ned: I found enough evidence that I was convinced the doc had you
Peter: he did
Ned: WHAT
Ned: I thought you said if he ever got hold of you properly that was the end
Ned: you said there was no way to escape him
Peter: it's complicated
Ned: Peter
Peter: I don't really have the energy to tell you everything now
Peter: but I need to so next time you see me make me tell you everything ok?
Ned: yeah buddy
Ned: definitely safe? need a ride?
Peter: I'm good. should be home pretty soon. thanks for being a great bestie ned
Ned: <3
**breakdown central**
Sandman: ik this isn't the current mood of the chat so sorry but I have good news!
Vulture: That's great!
Electro: yes sandy!!
Sandman: V I talked to the people like you said and it worked!!!
Vulture: :D
Sandman: they couldn't give me any info on when spidey'll come back -makes sense yk? I can get updates from him on here anyway - but someone briefed me on the latest meeting they had about me
Sandman: yk the ones SM used to tell us about?
Vulture: yes
Sandman: so while it's still subject to change etc etc one of my instructors was able to share the action plan going forward, and it's pretty vague, and a lot of it isn't up to me, and there are a lot of question marks because this is their first attempt at something like this so apparently there are so many psychologists and researchers and behavioural scientists and stuff working behind the scenes to create policy and stuff
Sandman: but it has a clear end goal, which is me getting freedom
Sandman: (strings attached ofc but since I should legally be in jail forever I will embrace the strings)
Sandman: and it's just so good to know that not only does the light at the end of the tunnel exist, but the road there is actively being paved
Sandman: by a team of experts who don't know me personally but really seem to want this to work. and I just. it feels so good to be the first one taking these first steps. and all I need to do is behave and keep going.
Sandman: they haven't forgotten me. they're helping, and they want to use this to help others, and make the justice system better for enhanced folk
Sandman: so yeah. good news. sorry for all the long messages lol
Vulture: Don't apologise!
Vulture: That's amazing news, Flint. I'm so pleased for you, I hope everything works out
Sandman: thanks :)
Electro: yeah. glad they talked to you bud
Electro: the future is so much less scary when you have information
Sandman: very true
Shocker: omg!!!!
Shocker: sorry I was sleeping basically all day lmao
Shocker: but that's amazing!!!!!!! good for you bro
Sandman: thanks!
Shocker: in other good news, my arm doesn't hurt quite so much anymore so I'm up and about, just quite limited for a bit
Shocker: well. strictly, idk if the pain is better or im just getting used to it, but same difference ig
Shocker: my sick leave from work is another few days so I've had some actual forced free time and its lovely
Sandman: yay!
Sandman: do anything interesting?
Shocker: just watching tv lol
Electro: any good shows? I'm running out
Shocker: nah just rewatching old faves
Shocker: did watch some James Bond though. you know the one.
Electro: noooo why
Shocker: had to. for painkilling purposes
Electro: haven't had nerves for a bit but not sure they work like that
Sandman: Was it good?
Shocker: ngl I think I blacked out for half of it but the half I saw... good is not the exact word I'd use
Electro: hey @Octo come and defend your fav movie
Shocker: nah he's too embarrassed. we're not due another sighting for a bit yet
Electro: true true
Electro: want to place bets on who shows first?
Shocker: what, spidey or the doc?
Electro: yeah
Shocker: no
Sandman: haha
Electro: you're no fun
Shocker: and you don't have bones
Electro: you jealous?
Shocker: yes
Sandman: I don't have bones either
Electro: we know buddy
Sandman: I miss spidey
Electro: we know
Shocker: yeah
**Private Messages**
Peter: Ned help idk if I can go back on the chat
Peter: I read it, they're worried about me
Peter: oc didn't say anything but I know if I post he'll see it
Peter: I need it I need to keep talking to them but ic an't rn
Ned: woah
Ned: Peter pause
Ned: you don't have to go back, not now, preferably not ever
Peter: I do though. it sounds stupid but I miss them
Ned: I know
Ned: and I know it's your comfort zone for some unknown reason but it's not going to be at the moment, and going back on is just going to be super unhealthy.
Peter: but they're worried
Peter: it's been over a week
Ned: and they can worry a little longer, okay?
Ned: promise me you won't go back on there for a bit
Ned: a week
Peter: 5 days
Ned: 5 days, okay. promise?
Peter: promise.
Ned: and if you still feel like this then, wait longer.
Peter: okay
**Private Messages**
Herman: hey so don't do your disappointed dad thing
Adrian: what have you done?
Herman: why do you immediately assume I've done something?
Adrian: why would you tell me not to be disappointed if you hadn't done something that deserves it?
Herman: it doesn't deserve it that's why I said that
Adrian: ...
Herman: okay well maybe it does but I've done it now
Herman: in ym defence having a broken arm is super boring
Herman: I don't have the fine motor skills for fixing my tech yet
Adrian: what did you do
Herman: ok so I may have engaged in mild stalking
Adrian: stalking.
Herman: the good news is Peter is fine
Herman: the bad news is Spidey's still silent and now im having another crisis
Adrian: I see
Adrian: ... no I don't see and now I'm also having a crisis, thanks.
Herman: yw
**Private Messages**
Ned: you home? lola made cookies
Peter: yea but you don't need to come over again, im fine. I escaped
Ned: Peter you made a deal with him that's not escaping
Peter: shh I escaped
Ned: you told me not to let you live in denial im just doing what you said was best for you
Peter: maybe I was wrong
Ned: you were not
Peter: I just. uughghgugh
Peter: It's been going so well. some of them maybe knew but this is the first time a villain's KNOWN
Ned: look. okay.
Ned: I hate to admit it but that group chat may have saved your life
Peter: I don't want to think about it
Ned: if oc hadn't known who Peter was and already shown an interest you wouldn't have had a bargaining chip
Peter: I know. I know in exquisite detail
Ned: your brain is interesting to him and rn it's got more potential than experimenting with your life. you have to keep it that way
Peter: ned please
Ned: ik bro but you can't run from this
Ned: you agreed terms for your freedom and I don't see another way out
Peter: well. I got the internship I wanted ig
Peter: if I had a nickel for every fake internship with a maniacal genius that's there to cover for my secret identity as a vigilante
Ned: Peter
Peter: I'd have two nickels
Ned: Peter please
Peter: which isn't a lot
Ned: this is hurting me as much as it's hurting you
Peter: but it's weird that it happened twice
Peter: right?
Ned: im hanging up on you now
Peter: we're not on a call
Peter: ...
Peter: yeah, that's fair.
**Private messages**
Herman: Not to repeat the funeral incident but. Are you getting worried about Spidey?
Adrian: Yeah, I am. It's been weeks, this is the longest he's ever been offline.
Herman: Can we do anything?
Adrian: I don't know.
**breakdown central**
Electro: I am so bored
Electro: really want to blow something up but idek if Spidey's in town
Shocker: you have the whole of the internet at your fingertips
Shocker: play minesweeper or smth
Electro: you're so old
Shocker: so are you we've been over this
Shocker: but fine go scroll tiktok if that's better
Electro: I can't T-T
Shocker: what do you mean you can't?
Electro: the algorithm on there is brutal
Electro: tried to use the app to take over the world one time and almost got stuck in there forever. never ever going back.
Shocker: lmao finally a normal and relatable thing about you
Electro: I
Electro: I'm going to go play minesweeper
Shocker: you do that
Shocker: ok now I'm bored
Shocker: played minesweeper for two hours
Shocker: listened to another audiobook. love audiobooks apparently
Shocker: going stir crazy in here
Shocker: you know it's really bad when you kinda miss work
Vulture: oh dear it really is bad
Vulture: and minesweeper... those were the days
Shocker: can't even bully you for that because I just finished playing lmaoo
Vulture: what book?
Shocker: war of the worlds
Shocker: not technically a real audiobook but the music was cool
Vulture: I know the one you mean. A classic
Shocker: yep
Shocker: you been up to much today?
Vulture: was on cleaning duty this week :/
Vulture: so nothing I really want to talk about
Shocker: oh that's rough
Shocker: hmm do I have budget for a pizza?
Shocker: no, definitely not.
Shocker: going to get one anyway
Vulture: life is short
Shocker: exactly.
Vulture: I miss pizza :(
Shocker: when you get out we'll have pizza together, okay?
Vulture: I look forward to it.
**Private Messages**
Peter: Ned are you awake
Ned: yeah. you ok?
Peter: No I dreamt I was back there
Ned: Want to phone?
Peter: I don't want to wake May, can I just text?
Ned: Sure
Peter: I just. I don't even know. this is so tupid
Ned: hey your emotions are not stupid
Ned: tell me about your dream
Peter: ok ok
Peter: so I was in his lair again, tied up. and doc oc was somewhere nearby. I think it was a memory from about five days in?
Peter: I can't believe it took him five days to take off my mask. all my other villains wouldn't even wait three seconds
Peter: but no, science first. run the experiments then reveal the identity
Ned: he experimented on you for five whole days??
Peter: yeah
Peter: I mean, not really?
Peter: they weren't invasive. I mean I kept the mask on so they couldn't be that bad. I'm sure there was worse if I'd stayed any longer
Peter: But when he finally took it off and asked for my name, just for the record, I figured why the hell not
Peter: I was. probably not in a great state to be decision making but hey it turned out fiiiine
Peter: So I told him I was Peter Parker and he looked like he recognised the name so I reminded him I was stark's intern that electro has beef with
Peter: that he joked about wanting as an intern for himself
Ned: wait seriously? you mentioned he was interested in your smarts but I didn't know it was from before I thought he only knew your name through the chat
Peter: yeah no
Peter: internships came up on the chat once and I was mentioned that's why it was relevant
Peter: so I figured it was my best shot
Peter: so in my dream, and in the memory ig, he hesitates for just a moment. clearly trying to resolve spider-man with the infamous Peter
Peter: and that was the moment I offered him the deal and I
Peter: ned I could almost physically feel it, like an iron band tightening around my chest
Peter: knowing that I was trapping myself and it was still the best option
Peter: and it wasn't so bad at the time because he went away and thought about it and then came back and accepted the deal and the relief was there instead
Peter: he spares my life in exchange for being his intern. amazing. yippee
Peter: but the dream ended before he agreed, and when I woke up from the dream it was still there, the pressure
Peter: just lying in bed with the dread of knowing there's no easy out. this is just my life now. student by day, vigilante by night, supervillain sidekick whenever he wants me.
Peter: and I know, I KNOW it could be so much worse but I thought I had it all under control yk? and the other thing that haunts me is how he just said he'd be in touch. because he has my number, of course, and he's on the gc and he knows my name and my face and he has absolute control over me and I just
Peter: I just needed to tell someone
Peter: sorry for waking you
Peter: and I know I already explained all that over the phone so sorry for making you sit through it twice
Ned: never apologise
Ned: I'm glad you did. I'm here for you whatever and whenever, you know that
Peter: yeah. you're the best, Ned
Ned: <3
Peter: I'm going to try to get some more rest. gn
Ned: night
**breakdown central**
Shocker: yeah ok work sucks I shouldn't have missed it
Vulture: tried to warn you
Shocker: yeahhh
Vulture: Is your boss still that annoying guy?
Shocker: yep. spent the day telling me about the time he broke his arm skiing
Shocker: like bro we are not the same
Vulture: What's your story?
Shocker: Fell down the stairs
Vulture: Ah, classic.
Shocker: yeah now he thinks I'm a clumsy idiot but I don't actually care about his opinion
Shocker: @Electro you around?
Electro: forever lurking and at your service
Shocker: how's your haunted house?
Electro: spectacularly less haunted recently thankfully
Electro: still feel like I'm being watched but maybe it's actually just paranoia
Shocker: You? paranoid? Noooo never
Vulture: ahaha
Electro: oh haha guys very funny
Electro: someday you'll see
Shocker: what, when the ghost gets you in your sleep?
Electro: exactly, yes
Electro: wait no
Shocker: lmao
Electro: now I won't be able to sleep. thanks guys <3
Shocker: yw <3
Electro: arm still improving?
Shocker: slowly and painfully but yeah.
Shocker: sure would be nice to have powers sometimes
Vulture: tell me about it haha
Vulture: I bet Steve Rogers doesn't have a bad back in the morning
Electro: Yeah but Tony Stark definitely does
Vulture: You always know the right thing to say, E <3
Electro: I know, I'm awesome <3
Shocker: yeah yeah don't let your head get too big though
Electro: your concern for my health is noted and appreciated :D
Shocker: you're in a good mood today
Electro: Just feels like a good day, yk? Maybe things are finally taking a turn for the better
Vulture: If you say so.
Shocker: I really hope so.
**Private Messages**
Peter: ok I'm as ready as I'm going to be
Peter: will text tomorrow morning
Ned: ok. call me for moral support when you do?
Peter: yea ok
Peter: thanks
Ned: anytime
Ned: are you going to tell them it was oc?
Peter: no point hiding it ig. I don't want him to think I'm scared
Ned: but you are
Peter: he doesn't need to know that
Ned: I really don't like this
Peter: I know
**breakdown central**
Spidey: guess who's back!
Electro: spidey!!
Sandman: we missed you!!!!
Spidey: awww missed you guys too <3
Spidey: well some of you anyway
Vulture: ouch on behalf of whoever that was aimed at
Sandman: wdym?
Sandman: where were you?
Spidey: well let's just say Oc took the 'friendly chat doesn't mean you have to go easy irl' pep talk to heart
Shocker: damn
Shocker: (welcome back)
Shocker: you okay?
Spidey: I'm recovering :D
Spidey: physically and emotionally in more than one way ahahaa
Sandman: do you have support?
Spidey: I have a friend who knows (basically) everything yeah, thanks for checking
Shocker: do you want us to boot him off the chat?
Spidey: Nono its fine
Spidey: just took me by surprise
Vulture: Spidey it's been two weeks there's no way you're fine
Vulture: did he have you in captivity this whole time?
Spidey: let me live in denial V
Spidey: besides, I have followup questions about his results when he finally comes back online
Shocker: spidey-
Spidey: I know I know I know
Spidey: this is what my emotional support friend is here for
Vulture: does your friend know you're on a chat with oc?
Spidey: I have missed your concerned dad voice so much
Spidey: he knows about the chat, yeah
Spidey: he doesn't understand it though
Shocker: that's because its entirely irrational
Shocker: you should tell him, though. so he can keep an eye on you
Spidey: you;'re being so nice to me I thought you'd be striking while im down
Spidey: be one sec I need to stop him bullying his way in
Sandman: he's trying to join the chat?
Shocker: !!
Vulture: oh, this'll be good
Sandman: Let him in!
Sandman: we want to meet your friend!
Shocker: Let us meet ESF!
Sandman: ?
Shocker: emotional support friend!
Vulture: of course
Spidey: I do not want you to meet my friend I'm sorry
Spidey: vghhiuoubjkkj
Spidey: no
Sandman: LET HIM IN
Shocker: let! him! in!
Spidey: there's no 'letting' involved
Spidey: he's coming in, either the easy way or by blowing the server wide open
Spidey: I made him promise to only stay a week, max
Spidey: .
Spidey: please behave, guys
Spidey: remember I'm still traumatised
Sandman: We promise!
Shocker: cross my heart!
Vulture: You're going to regret this
Spidey: that could so easily be read as sooo villainous but all I can hear is the tired dad
Spidey: I know I am, but I have no choice.
Spidey: everyone say hi to my bestie
***Spidey has added: ESF***
Shocker: whooo!!!
Electro: well hello there
Electro: MOM SPIDEY FINALLY BROUGHT A GUY HOME
ESF: you guys need to STOP
Shocker: ?
Electro: lmao im joking
ESF: this is NOT a jokey situation you do not understand how hard it is to keep sm functional
ESF: and you do Not help
Spidey: bro you said you'd be cool
ESF: and YOU said you'd stop repressing trauma so we both lied
Shocker: damn idk why I thought
Shocker: he'd be even more chill than spidey
ESF: you know nothing about him or me
Spidey: okokok dude take a breath
ESF: did you seriously just hang up on me?
ESF: I can and will phone you again
ESF: I should have stayed at your place
ESF: this chat is a bad idea and I should've stepped in ages ago
ESF: I'm sorry I know I said I'd let you have this but seeing it I just cannot
Spidey: nonononono ait
Spidey: wait pls I need this to stay safe
Spidey: not safe I meant unserious
Vulture: most people turn to fantasy for escapism, spidey
Spidey: shut up dad you're not helping
Spidey: plus my life is basically fantasy
ESF: aaaadn you're joking about your trauma again
Spidey: shhh I don't have trauma who she
ESF: if I could full name you on here without consequences I would do
ESF: I'm phoning M if you don't behave
Spidey: NO DONT
Spidey: wait which M
ESF: the one in your house
ESF: who can make sure you're looking after yourself
Spidey: bestie you know doc's going to be quoting this whole thing into a spreadsheet later
ESF: this is a very toxic environment I don't understand why you like it
Spidey: it's usually fine
Spidey: everyone's usually more vocal than this where'd u go
Electro: watching the show
Vulture: worrying
Vulture: your friend has more common sense than you
Spidey: common sense is for
Spidey: uhh
Spidey: commoners?
Spidey: nvm
ESF: real good attempt there buddy
Shocker: I WAS ABOUT TO SAYB THAT
Spidey: dudes I've barely slept in two weeks cut me slack
ESF: that get out of jail free card expires in 3 days ok you've had plenty of time to catch up on sleep, time to start looking after yourself
***ESF has removed Octo from the group***
Spidey: nonononono wait
Spidey: he won't like that
ESF: tough
Shocker: tough
Electro: I got kicked for much less
Vulture: And you both deserved it. We won't let him back until you want him, spidey.
Vulture: And if that's never, then fine.
ESF: yes
Electro: ok now that's over with we need introductions
ESF: yes. why am I esf?
Spidey: emotional support friend
ESF: well that's pretty fitting actually, I don't hate it.
Electro: hi! I'm electro, I'm made of electricity and I've tried to kill sm so many times! lovely to meet you esf
ESF: uh huh
ESF: lovely
Vulture: I'm Toomes, V, whatever else. Retired, in prison.
ESF: wait toomes as in...
Spidey: yeah
ESF: and you don't tell me this?
Spidey: I didn't think it was relevant
ESF: ...right
Vulture: I will never stop being curious about that one
Shocker: same
Shocker: this is like doing those awful icebreakers ew
Shocker: hi there im shocker I have an awful real name and my arm is so broken rn
Spidey: oh no are you ok?
Shocker: recovering. back to work tomorrow so at least I'll get out I suppose
Sandman: need to go but hi!! im flint, welcome to the chat!!!
ESF: hi
Electro: well I think this was sufficiently awkward
Shocker: yep
ESF: why is it called breakdown central
ESF: not that it's not topical but
Shocker: V keeps changing it.
Shocker: probably some kind of private joke
Vulture: I explained the joke about a month ago
Electro: some kind of private joke yeah
Vulture: well yeah everyone had a bad time this past week so it felt relevant
Vulture: Except sandy of course, he had a good time and we're so happy for him
Shocker: flint's in rehab
ESF: yeah ik Spidey explained
Spidey: esf helped me get in touch with SHIELD in the first place
Vulture: In which case, huge thanks on behalf of Flint. It's made such a huge difference for him.
ESF: oh
ESF: I was just helping spidey out
Vulture: well, you helped Flint too and by the sounds of it, the program is going to go on to help a lot more enhanced criminals
ESF: that bit's all SHIELD
Shocker: but without Spidey's involvement would it have gone from a containment centre to somewhere aiming to actually reform people?
ESF: well idk. probably not
Spidey: you guys are giving me wayyyy too much credit
Shocker: shut and take a compliment
Vulture: and since spidey wouldn't have been there without you, you deserve at least some of the credit
ESF: huh. well ok
ESF: this has been an experience
ESF: im going to go now
Vulture: sure. have a nice day :)
ESF: yup
Spidey: I'm going too
Shocker: bye :)
Spidey: bye
**Private Messages**
Peter: I CANNOT believe you
Peter: added yourself to the chat like that?
Peter: that was so dangerous ned
Ned: and I cannot believe that you HUNG UP on me while actively struggling to breathe
Ned: what was I meant to do? leave you to fend for yourself in there?
Peter: ...
Peter: I'm sorry
Peter: thank you for doing that.
Peter: I just worry
Ned: I do as well, Peter. Let me look out for you for once, okay?
Peter: yeah, okay.
Ned: also I cannot believe the vulture is Liz's dad and you didn't tell me
Peter: in my defence I try really really hard not to think about it ever
Ned: that's the most reasonable thing you've said all day
Chapter 11: The One With The Power Of Friendship
Chapter Text
**breakdown central**
Sandman: I'm back!!!! sorry I had to rush the introduction earlier
Sandman: had to read back through the chat and wow a lot happened in not a lot of time
Sandman: can't believe we have a guest!
***Sandman changed the group name to Villain B&B***
Sandman: hi spidey's friend!! I'm Flint, tysm for helping Spider-Man get me where I am today. If I can ever do anything (legal) to help you out lmk <3
ESF: oh hello again
ESF: nice to meet you
Shocker: I hate work I hate my boss and the government and capitalism can someone please break my arm again please why did I ever want to go back
Sandman: ...
Sandman: we were having a moment
Shocker: well move over because I have had a DAY
ESF: you have a job?
Shocker: why does that always come as a surprise to people? I am TRYING to make real legal money
Shocker: @Spidey you arrested me on demand once
Shocker: now it's time for an arm-breaking encore
Sandman: I don't think Spidey will break your arm
Shocker: but I'm suffering over here
Electro: I'll break your arms for you
Shocker: ...single arm
Electro: typo
Shocker: sure
Shocker: I think I'll pass on that one actually
Electro: lmk if you change your mind :D
Shocker: I won't :D
**Private Messages**
Ned: Peter your evil friends are scary
Ned: not as intimidating as I thought they would be but I am afraid nonetheless
Peter: who says nonetheless
Ned: me
Peter: got me there
Peter: why what did they do?
Ned: you have the chat go read it
Peter: I have homework :(
Ned: fine do your homework
**Villain B&B**
Spidey: I will not break your arm. Or arms.
Shocker: leg?
Spidey: nor legs
Shocker: spoilsport
ESF: I thought you were busy
Spidey: Busy is a social construct
Sandman: wise
ESF: and we live within society therefore it remains relevant
Sandman: also wise
ESF: like money
Spidey: money is a social construct
ESF: ...yes that was my point
Spidey: boo capitalism
Shocker: BOO CAPITALISM
Electro: spoken like poor people
Sandman: BOOOOOO
Shocker: boooo cryptobro
Spidey: AHAHAHA HE GOT YOU
Electro: boo :(((
Spidey: careful it's starting to sound like E's house in here
Shocker: LMAO
ESF: what?
Shocker: Electro's house is haunted
ESF: right ok
ESF: no further questions
Shocker: what's truly haunting is the concept of owning property in this economy amirite
Spidey: you are so right
Electro: imagine
Shocker: you're not allowed an opinion here
Shocker: spidey do you still live with family?
Spidey: no comment
Spidey: but I've never had to deal with a landlord no
Electro: yet
Spidey: nope never
Spidey: I intend to live on ESF's couch forever when I move out
ESF: um? I thought I was going to permanently crash at yours?
Spidey: at my what???
ESF: idk spider cave?
ESF: one of us has to get a place
Spidey: spiders don't live in caves
ESF: what like you've ever been in a cave in your life
Spidey: you don't know that
ESF: you've barely left the city
Spidey: well anyway like I'll ever be able to afford property let alone a whole cave who do you think I am Tony Stark?
Electro: don't invoke his name you'll hurt V's feelings
ESF: bet Tony wouldn't notice if you moved into his basement
ESF: I won't tell so long as you let me crash on your spidey-couch
Shocker: sounds like a euphemism
Spidey: it does NOT
Shocker: ;3
Electro: never do that again
Shocker: :(
Spidey: ignoring that aside
Spidey: tbh you're right I don't think mr stark would notice
ESF: he definitely wouldn't
ESF: do it
Electro: do it
Spidey: I'll take it into consideration
Electro: yayyy
Spidey: now seeing as I actually WAS busy I'm going to go now
ESF: I thought busy was a social construct?
Spidey: it is but I have been enlightened as to the fact that I live in society and therefore it is still relevant
ESF: sounds like someone wise taught you that
Spidey: can't hear you too busy
**Private Messages**
Ned: reluctant to admit it but it's so funny watching the 7 step plan fallout
Peter: YEs omg
Ned: does he seriously still think his house is haunted??
Peter: he does he really does I'll find the screenshots of the chat
Peter: are you still moving stuff?
Ned: no I stopped weeks ago lol
Peter: oops we may actually have traumatised him
Ned: I mean. this was kinda the goal
Peter: I guess
Peter: well he hasn't mentioned me for a long while so that's a success
**Private Messages**
Shocker: hold up
Shocker: when you said that you weren't behind the haunted house
Shocker: and that Peter wasn't the mastermind either
Spidey: ...yes?
Shocker: is it ESF
**Private Messages**
Peter: bro
Peter: **screenshot**
Peter: do I tell him
Ned: ah wth why not
Peter: yessss
**Private Messages**
Spidey: sorry, had to consult my lawyer
Spidey: official stance is no comment
Shocker: :((
Spidey: unofficially, yes. yes it is.
Shocker: I hope you realise how complicated you make my life
Spidey: oh you think I make YOUR life complicated???
Spidey: imagine being me
Shocker: I really really don't want to do that
**Villain B&B**
Shocker: Spider-Man?
Electro: uh oh getting full named
Spidey: hello?
Shocker: I just happened to be out and about
Spidey: uh huh?
Shocker: And my eyes may have been deceiving me
Shocker: In fact I rather hope they were
Electro: scaring us here S
Shocker: But were you perchance consorting with Deadpool on a rooftop?
Electro: what?
Spidey: whaaaaaat????
Electro: spidey wouldn't do tha-- message cancelled
Electro: SPIDEY?????
Spidey: I haven't the faintest clue what you might be speaking of. I'm terribly busy, must go.
Shocker: not so fast
Shocker: does your voice of reason know about this?
Spidey: know about what hahahaaa
Shocker: @ESF
Spidey: wait no don't do that
Electro: too late
ESF: UM
ESF: DUDE?
Spidey: bro this isn't what it looks like
ESF: and what does it look like, exactly?
Spidey: uhhhhh
Spidey: perhaps we should take this to DMs
ESF: you're not getting off the hook that easy buddy
ESF: I don't mind doing this with an audience
Electro: popcorn time
Spidey: I mind the audience
Shocker: tough
ESF: tough
ESF: so is it true? you were talking to deadpool?
Spidey: don't break up with me pls babe I can explain
ESF: this is not a joke omg
ESF: yes or no bro
Spidey: I mean. kind of?
ESF: wow ok and I thought the criminal squad gc was bad enough
Electro: gc mention lets go
ESF: you are aware that DP murders people for money right?
Spidey: mostly bad people!
ESF: are you hearing yourself rn
Electro: huh and I thought spidey was the one with the die hard morals
Electro: can't believe they were borrowed all along.
Shocker: E maybe stay out of this one
ESF: yes
Spidey: look it's not like I planned to meet up with him
Spidey: it's not like with the other vigilantes
Spidey: he just shows up sometimes
ESF: this has happened before?
Spidey: yeah he'll just turn up when I'm patrolling to say hi and chat or whatever
Spidey: really freaked me out the first time but what am I meant to do? I prefer being free of bullet holes and it's not like I can hurt him. I guess I could run away but I'm pretty sure he'd just get more determined to find me
ESF: so what do you do?
Spidey: I talk to him until he gets bored and I can leave without him following
ESF: what does he want?
Spidey: idk we talk about the most random stuff. sometimes he brings food
ESF: what if he's trying to poison you?
Spidey: he's not trying to poison me
Spidey: he could just shoot me. or cut my head off ig
ESF: you're actually going to be the death of me
Spidey: ok mom
Spidey: it's seriously not an issue it's just a thing that happens sometimes
Spidey: he's a pretty interesting guy once you get used to him
ESF: he kills people. for money.
Spidey: is that better or worse than killing people not for money?
ESF: don't try to change the subject
Spidey: I'm changing the subject
Shocker: @ESF I think I'm beginning to understand how you feel about us
ESF: ...thanks
Electro: that's true actually. if I was concerned for spidey's wellbeing (which I am not) I would be very worried all of the time
ESF: that's how it is, yeah
Shocker: E keep telling yourself that we all know you were the OG spidey fan
ESF: excuse me?
Shocker: ok maybe the second
ESF: thank you very much
Electro: hmmm
Spidey: hey can we stop talking about me like I'm not here
Vulture: hello there
Vulture: you're all awake early
Shocker: morning V!
Spidey: hiii
Electro: it's 9am?
Vulture: it's a Sunday
Shocker: valid
Shocker: we were just talking about spidey's lack of self-preservation
Vulture: ah. plenty to discuss there I suppose
Spidey: no? there isn't?
Electro: says the guy on a chat with people who keep trying to kill him
Spidey: um actually you're the only one actively trying to kill me atm
Electro: you literally got kidnapped by octo yesterday
Spidey: he's not on the chat rn and that was weeks ago
Vulture: mhm and have you told esf you hang out with daredevil and the punisher?
Spidey: I do not hang out with the punisher
Spidey: and DD is not nearly as scary as you all think
ESF: I did actually know about that
ESF: there was this whole thing with j storm and a rooftop and a schedule that he phoned me crying about
Spidey: shshhsgdsjshssh
Shocker: he told us about that too lmao
Spidey: noooo
ESF: dude. bro.
Spidey: bro. pls.
ESF: anything else I should know? v amused and more than a little frightened by the sinister coparenting thing you guys have going on here
Spidey: no you don't need to ask that
Spidey: nobody answer
***Electro changed the group name to sinister coparenting***
Electro: which is an excellent reminder
Spidey: no
Shocker: ohhhhh yes
ESF: ?
Electro: speaking of parenting. and things that spidey does that are bad for his health
Spidey: E you snitch
Vulture: oh wow I almost forgot about this
Electro: seeing as Oc is gone from the chat we can finally talk about it again
Spidey: that's really not necessary
ESF: increasing concern
Electro: o ESF, spidey's bestie, his main man, his source of support. were you aware that spider-man informed us that he is an infant?
ESF: he what now
Spidey: they're making it up bro don't listen
Vulture: it's true
Spidey: they're evil forces of darkness my man you can't trust them
Shocker: ow owie ouch. my heart.
ESF: can't believe you're making me trust the criminals over you
ESF: I also cannot believe you dude wth
Spidey: well it's been more than a year so I am no longer an infant at least
ESF: BRO?????
Vulture: digging your own grave here
Shocker: before you panic too much esf I would like to make it clear that this came out before Oc was on the chat and that nobody has mentioned it the whole time he's been here
Shocker: so we do know how to keep our mouths shut about some things
ESF: that's not as much consolation as you think it is
ESF: how did that even come up in conversation?
Spidey: now it's my turn for story time
Shocker: no it is not
Spidey: let me tell you of the funeral incident
Electro: it wasn't that big of a deal
Spidey: remember when we went on that trip out of the city? right after goblin was acting up again?
ESF: yeah?
Spidey: so they all decided goblin had killed me and were planning my funeral when I got back
ESF: and what does this have to do with your age?
Spidey: well they tried to figure out my identity for the funeral and decided I had to be underage
Electro: because you basically told us? multiple times?
Spidey: through some Sherlock Holmes witchcraft or smth idk and then I couldn't really do much about it
Electro: you immediately confessed it was true and told us you were 17
Spidey: SHUT. im tellign tge story
Electro: such typing skills <3
Spidey: jhghhnjhjgjhjhjbj
Spidey: but yeah that's how it happened
ESF: only you
Vulture: not to interrupt or anything but I was reading back through and DEADPOOL???
Spidey: oh are we still not over this? I'm not sure what you want me to do about it
Spidey: he'd probably give me his number if I asked do you want him on the chat?
ESF: NO
Electro: YES
Shocker: ABSOLUTELY NOT
Shocker: spidey why T-T
Vulture: you have a lot of bad ideas but that is one of the worst yet
Spidey: I'll try harder in the future
ESF: pls don't
Spidey: hey esf did you know these guys are scared of daredevil?
ESF: the horny nerd?
Electro: WHAtygfghjujhbn
Electro: pls never call him that again
Spidey: DD would cry if you called him that to his face
Spidey: like he's a baby and you just stole his candy
Electro: I'M going to cry if you keep saying stuff like that
Shocker: Daredevil is the scariest I don't know how you don't understand that
ESF: spidey said he watched him walk into a wall once
Spidey: twice
Shocker: cover my ears I don't want to hear this
Spidey: scared he'll hunt you down in the night and steal your soul??
Shocker: yes actually
Electro: hey I almost took down daredevil once
Electro: except you guys phoned me and blew my cover at the last moment
Shocker: oh I remember that
Spidey: I promise you he already knew you were there
Spidey: the guy's super hearing makes me look like I'm
Spidey: uh
Spidey: wandering around in the hearing dark
Spidey: I'm not sure where that was going
ESF: deaf?
Spidey: yeah that
Spidey: he's like a bat. if anyone lives in a cave it's him.
Shocker: note to self: stay out of caves
Electro: I've heard they're spider-free
Spidey: on my way to change that right this second
Shocker: is that a threat?
Spidey: what you gonna do about it?
Shocker: why don't you come over here and find out?
Electro: ok break it up boys
Shocker: ugh fine
Shocker: im watching you spidey
Shocker: stay away from my caves
Electro: cough euphemism cough
Shocker: NO
Spidey: LEAVING
**sinister coparenting**
Spidey: I bet daredevil can hear when people are typing about him
Shocker: that's a 2am thought nobody needed thanks
Shocker: some of us have work in the morning and didn't need nightmares
Spidey: yw ^-^
**sinister coparenting**
Sandman: So
Electro: so.
Sandman: not talking to you
Electro: D:
Sandman: Spidey and ESF, what's your story? How'd you meet, how'd you figure out he was SM?
Sandman: Assuming you didn't know from the start
Spidey: I think he's sleeping, so just me sorry
Spidey: we've been besties since forever so there's not much of a story
Spidey: he found out I was sm a few months after I got my first proper suit and started getting noticed, he was the first person except mr stark to know my identity
Electro: did your parents/guardians/this mysterious M not know?
Spidey: not at the time but they do now
Spidey: and that's a conversation I never ever want to repeat
Sandman: grounded forever?
Spidey: hard to ground a kid who can walk on the ceiling
Electro: eesh I'd hate to be responsible for your wellbeing it'd be an uphill battle the whole time
Spidey: I'm not that bad
Electro: much as I hate being the voice of reason, if V or Shocker or your friend were here I'm pretty sure they'd vehemently disagree
Spidey: ooh vehement
Sandman: big word
Electro: oh haha very funny
Sandman: anyway how did esf react to the reveal?
Spidey: ehhh
Spidey: he took it pretty well tbh
Spidey: I think his first words were 'you're the spider-man off youtube' or something like that
Sandman: haha
Electro: how'd he find out?
Spidey: saw me on the ceiling in the suit without the mask not much I could do about it
Sandman: quite a compromising situation really
Spidey: yup
Electro: how did that even happen? aside from some details (your actual age wth) you've been pretty paranoid about your identity
Spidey: it was a long time ago
Electro: that's not an answer
Spidey: best you're going to get :p
**sinister coparenting**
ESF: ohohoho
ESF: you're being lied to
ESF: bamboozled
Electro: oh?
ESF: oh indeed
Shocker: tell us everything
Vulture: spidey won't be pleased about that
ESF: he's busy right now
ESF: and I have a better brain to mouth filter anyway
Electro: excellent, spill
Shocker: is this about how you learned his ID?
ESF: exactly
Vulture: I suppose it's a lot more embarrassing than he let on
ESF: exactly x2
Shocker: storytime!! I'm sat on the ground crosslegged waiting patiently
Electro: popcorn
ESF: ok
ESF: I was going round to his place to visit, we'd planned to spend the evening together.
ESF: except some crime thing had happened so he wasn't there so I waited in his room, pretty confused.
ESF: and then! there's a noise at the window and none other than the spider guy from YouTube opens the window and crawls in on the ceiling
ESF: I'm just sat on the bed staring at this point but does he notice me? no
ESF: so he crawls right across the room and closes the door, and then he pulls off the mask and it's my bestie
ESF: at which point I make a noise and he notices me
ESF: and he drops to the floor and immediately tries to deny everything
ESF: he even took off the suit so he's standing there in almost no clothes (more ripped than any nerd deserves to be) trying to gaslight me into thinking I never saw him dressed up as the new local vigilante
ESF: which obviously didn't work
ESF: and after that he caved pretty quickly and answered most of my questions including telling me he was an Avenger (complete lie) and that he doesn't lay eggs (I have yet to prove he's telling the truth)
Electro: well then
Electro: that's certainly a different story
Shocker: he glossed over a LOT huh
Electro: so glad you're here to keep us from being scammed
ESF: just doing my duty
Electro: let us know if there's any news on the egg front
ESF: sure thing
Spidey: UMMM
ESF: you're meant to be in a meeting
Spidey: it finished early UMMMMMMM
Electro: care to explain yourself spidey?
ESF: did I speak a word of a lie?
Spidey: did *I*??
ESF: no but you missed out a ton of detail
Spidey: unneccesaary detail
Electro: that's not how you spell that
Spidey: yeah thanks grammerly I know that
Electro: It's grammarly
Spidey: I'm in the middle of something here leave me alone
Shocker: it was very necessary detail
Spidey: can't believe I've been betrayed like this
Spidey: I thought you were just here to keep me out of trouble not to share more details about my life
ESF: yeah well what's a guy to do when a supposed hero is spreading misinformation?
Spidey: ouch
Spidey: my feelings?
Shocker: what was your meeting?
Spidey: super secret
Shocker: :<
Spidey: it was about the whole incident with flint that got me semi fired
Spidey: I'm trying soooo hard to get unfired
Shocker: is it working?
Spidey: I legally cannot disclose any more information.
Shocker: and illegally?
Spidey: I'm not telling you just wait and see
Shocker: spoilsport :(
Shocker: well fine nvm I have news
Electro: good or bad?
Shocker: no need to sound so eager for it to be bad
Electro: ????
Shocker: mixed tbh.
Spidey: Intriguing, tell us more
Shocker: Work trip coming up, I get to go to another state to do meetings there to convince people to spend more money, good fun yay at least I get away from my idiot boss
Shocker: plus I get a bonus for doing it AND I get to stay in a fancy hotel for two weeks
Spidey: sounds like all positives!
Shocker: but my plant :(
Electro: your plant?
Shocker: when I broke my arm one of my nice coworkers sent me a get well soon houseplant that I am now unhealthily attached to
Shocker: but it's super needy and must be watered twice a day or it dies instantly and I can't take it with me to the fancy hotel
Spidey: I need pics immediately!!!!!!
Electro: didn't know you were into plants spidey?
ESF: we have a friend who believes deeply in the power of plants
Spidey: she sends beautiful bouquets to family members for birthdays with unflattering flower language messages hidden in them
ESF: understatement
Electro: the more we learn about spidey the more I believe his friends are far more interesting
Spidey: hey!
ESF: its true
Shocker: agreed lol
Shocker: here's Frederick btw **photo attachment**
Spidey: umbrella plant!!
Spidey: I love
Spidey: I adore
ESF: you can by no means allow Frederick to die
Vulture: Evening gentlemen, what's occurring?
Shocker: Frederick is doomed
Vulture: I see. Who's Frederick?
Electro: literally a plant
Spidey: Shocker's gorgeous plant son who cannot be allowed to die
Vulture: oh the cruelty of the system, forcing parents to abandon their young for the sake of reliable income
Shocker: </3
Spidey: Do you have any friends who could care for him?
ESF: flower friend used to run a plantsitting summer service
Spidey: she'd hate being called that
ESF: true
Shocker: you guys are literally my closest friends
Electro: sad
Shocker: like you can claim otherwise
Electro: I don't have friends.
Spidey: that's worse. you get how that's worse, right?
Vulture: I could take Frederick
Electro: it's not worse it's villainous
Spidey: it's sad
Shocker: wait what?
Spidey: I said it's sad
Shocker: no V
Vulture: I said I can take Frederick.
Vulture: 'plantsit'
Vulture: If you want?
Shocker: absolutely honoured by the offer but
Shocker: ok not to rub salt in the wound or anything but. aren't you in prison?
Vulture: no :D
Spidey: OH?
Vulture: they finally cleared things up, the weapons they found weren't mine but a copycat that got caught and confessed yesterday, I was told this morning and just got home now :DDD
Shocker: no way!!! so happy for you V
Spidey: the police actually doing their jobs for once!! pleased you weren't put away for something you didn't do <3
Electro: must be a massive relief buddy. Any longer and one of us would have had to break you out
Shocker: not it
Spidey: don't look at me
Spidey: but not the point! congrats on freedom! here's to it lasting this time :))))
Vulture: thanks all <3
Vulture: anyway back to the main point - I'm home, in my house, where I plan to stay, and can absolutely look after the handsomest plant in the world, for a friend
Shocker: Seriously? You'd help me out?
Vulture: Yes
Shocker: my saviour. thank you so much, I don't even know what to say
Electro: cute and all. want us to give you some privacy?
Spidey: don't tease them this is adorable
Spidey: old man friendships forever <3
Shocker: OLD?!?!?
Vulture: way to break the moment
Electro: lmao
Shocker: Before we move on I am 100% taking you up on that offer btw
Shocker: will dm for a time to meet up/drop off my 3 foot son + care instructions
Electro: very smooth slide into DMs there, taking notes
Vulture: ew
Shocker: shut up E
**Private Messages**
Adrian: hello
Herman: hi!
Adrian: So would you like to do an awkward drug drop style rendezvous in Central Park or ???
Herman: Are you sure you're okay with taking my plant?
Adrian: Wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. I'm at home again and have no plans so why not help out a friend?
Herman: I really appreciate that
Herman: And there's no need to do suspicious CP activities. You already know my name and I'm not worried about you telling everyone who I am or anything (pls don't)
Adrian: I appreciate your trust (ofc I won't)
Herman: you've earned it. Otherwise I wouldn't be trusting you with Frederick haha
Herman: I can drop him off directly with you? Or we could meet up somewhere else if that's pushing boundaries
Adrian: I'll send my address, lmk what time works for you
Adrian: maybe we can even get that pizza you promised me
Herman: we should!
Herman: thank you so much
Herman: Frederick is the most important nonsentient person in my life
Herman: speaking of which
**sinister coparenting**
Shocker: ESF I have another question for you
Vulture: uh oh
Sandman: exciting
ESF: geez its a wonder SM ever gets any work done
Shocker: nw if you're busy it can wait
ESF: this essay is due tomorrow but i'm intrigued now T-T ask your question
Shocker: it's about Karen
ESF: Spidey's Karen?
Shocker: yes. Do you get to talk to her?
ESF: now and then yeah
ESF: why?
Shocker: she seems very cool
ESF: I guess so
Vulture: please for the love of all things holy do not start hitting on spider-man's AI
ESF: huh??
Electro: boo AI
Shocker: dude you are AI
Electro: EXCUSE ME?
Shocker: nothing natural about you. intelligence is debatable I suppose but if it's there it's artificial lol
Electro: I think that's the meanest anyone has ever been to me.
Sandman: oh dear
Vulture: poor you.
Shocker: you'll get over it
Electro: ;-;
ESF: I'm so sorry but can we please rewind
Electro: let's
ESF: are you seriously hitting on Karen?
Shocker: I mean.
Shocker: no?
Shocker: because I've never had the pleasure of actually speaking to her
ESF: I don't like the ? on that no
Shocker: I'm just saying. it's not out of the realms of possibility
ESF: maybe I AM too busy for this conversation
Shocker: no wait
Shocker: next time you talk to her could you maybe ask if she'd be interested?
Vulture: I honestly can't tell if you're joking
Electro: mom take me home I'm scared
ESF: yeahhh im gonna go now
Vulture: cannot blame you
Shocker: you didn't answer my question!!
Electro: mate the answer is no
Vulture: I'm banning this. not allowed.
Shocker: :((((
Sandman: awwww
Vulture: she's a computer! made by Tony stark!
Electro: ewww Shocker has a crush on Iron Man's brainchild
Shocker: NO DONT CALL HER THAT EW
Electro: future son in law to Tony Stark
Shocker: NOOO
Sandman: E no :( he's never going to be able to unthink that
Shocker: exactly T-T
Shocker: why do you have to ruin everything T-T T-T
Electro: :D
Peter scrawled his alias on the final page of the document with a flourish and a wide smile under his mask. He wasn't sure how legally binding a contract signed 'Spider-Man' was, but he was sure Nick Fury could find a way to make it stick. Regardless, Peter intended to stick to their agreements. It had taken a lot of bureaucracy, several meetings for advice from a couple of pro-bono lawyers, and a serious heart-to-heart with the director of SHIELD, but he'd done it - Peter had gotten his job with Flint back.
The new terms of the program delighted Peter - his stunt with Kraven may have been risky, but it had paid off. Flint was on a clear path now and infrastructure was being built around him for the other superpowered detainees that now stood a chance of redemption instead of being buried in the Raft.
But that wasn't the important bit.
The airlock doors opened with a whoosh and Peter strode into the cell. The figure sat on a chair glanced up casually, then leapt to his feet, phone falling to the floor while his jaw dropped.
"Miss me?" Peter asked, grinning widely enough that he knew Flint would be able to see it through the mask.
"You're back!" Flint had rushed across the room and forcibly halted himself just in front of Spider-Man. "Are you actually back? Or visiting?"
"I'm actually back," Peter promised. "One hour, twice weekly, one of which will be a trip outside the facility."
"Thank you so, so much," Flint wrung his hands. "It's so good to see you, Spidey."
"Good to see you too, Flint," Peter bobbed happily. "Take a seat, let's talk about the future."
**Private Messages**
Ned: deep sigh
Ned: okay I really hate to admit this Peter but you have a point
Ned: the gc is weirdly compelling
Ned: if not for the constant stress of not revealing too much, I would even call it fun
Ned: I'm sorry for not listening to you before
Ned: I just worry
Peter: sorry, was talking to may
Peter: you don't need to apologise ned!!
Peter: hell, you put up with so much, I should be apologising
Ned: never
Peter: I know the gc is entirely nonsensical if you're not part of it but.
Peter: they're my friends
Peter: my weirdo felon friends who know practically nothing about me and who all hate each other just as much as they love eachother
Peter: which makes no sense and should be all the red flags
Ned: yeah
Ned: but I get it now
Ned: you guys are a found family.
Ned: a very messed up one, but that's what family is
Peter: that's. that's exactly it yeah
Peter: ned you are the absolute best and I don't say it enough
Peter: thanks for always understanding even when I don't
Ned: what are friends for
Peter: most of mine are for committing crimes tbh
Ned: yeah im basically a saint in comparison
Peter: you hacked the fbi
Ned: did I stutter
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