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Her guidance counselor had told her- promised, even- that this would be good for her.
But as Ahsoka stood in the women’s locker room, clothes stripped away and only her plain black suit in their place, she was sure this could not be good for her.
Only a few girls in blue suits were scattered throughout the room. It brought her back to middle school, briefly, but she ignored the thoughts of mean girls and tried to push on towards the end goal: actually leaving the room.
But eventually she couldn’t ignore her doubts any longer, and it was better to just force her cap over her head and face the potential scrutiny than stand here, and miss her first practice on a D2 team.
A division two team . That would never leave her head.
Sure, she had been on various swim teams since middle school, and maybe she had specifically been scouted during a meet in Junior year, but that didn’t mean she somehow deserved to be on such a team… Right?
But she had passed the time requirements, and apparently that was enough to lead her here, where she was about to try out- in front of an entire team (karking, ‘there’s no other time’)- so it seemed she was supposed to be ready.
She wasn’t. But Ahsoka walked through the swinging doors and onto the deck anyway.
Everyone was gathered around the edge of the pool. Men and women’s teams were together for practice, it seemed, or at least for this specific practice while she tried not to embarrass herself in front of swimmers she would have idolized as a twelve year old.
She spotted two other swimmers in mismatched suits, and it helped ease her nerves a bit to know she wasn’t alone. Finally gathered along the edge, but not close enough to anyone to have to try and make conversation, the coach (coaches?) spoke.
“Good morning, everybody,” A man spoke from the other end of the shallow deck. “With the new semester we have a few new recruits joining us. We’ll start with tryouts briefly, and then it’ll be back to business shortly. Coach Ti will start dry workouts with the rest of the team. Everyone new can gather by me.”
So there was more than one coach. That was nice to know. The two others- both men- shuffled towards the coach while the rest headed towards the other end of the pool. “I’m Coach Kenobi,” He said as they gathered. “If one of you would hop in we can start.”
The other two went first. Her nerves dissipated slightly while watching them swim laps, each stroke and each lap made her breathe a little easier. Their times weren’t too bad, but she tried to distract herself by promising to do better when it was her turn to jump in.
Speaking of which…
“Miss Tano,” Kenobi spoke. “Let’s start with a 50 free.”
========
The last time she’d been on a joint team was middle school. But, as she had learned, the Coruscant teams did things a little differently.
The men and women’s teams were joined three times a week, excluding dry workout days, the teams both small enough that the pool was well within capacity. It was interesting, to say the least. As she dropped into the pool after successfully passing tryouts, Ahsoka let herself breathe again.
Maybe the team would help her now, just like it had when she was young.
And sure. She didn’t have Barriss like she did back in middle school when she was dealing with the stress of fostering, but the women’s coach was kind, and she met a couple other girls who were nice to her despite her late arrival. Ahsoka was sure she saw one of the older members from the men’s team joking with the coach and it gave her a little hope.
(If she didn’t think too hard about middle school, she could see it as a happy experience. If she didn’t think too hard about them , maybe it was better, maybe she could see herself fitting in here, like she always fantasized she did back home.)
Warmups started, and Ahsoka didn’t hesitate to pass every swimmer she could in her lane. If she was going to join the team she was going to prove herself.
========
Two weeks was the perfect time to get adjusted. Ahsoka had begun to get used to the tight schedule, two hour practices in the mornings, dry practices every so often and impromptu sessions the coaches would call on random afternoons that she had learned were more for fun than practice.
It was safe to say her muscles felt like jello just about every day.
And she loved it.
Ahsoka had forgotten the pure bliss swimming competitively felt like. It had been so long of swimming on her own, leisurely, licking her wounds and staying away from teams, she’d practically blocked it out. When you broke the surface of the water, diving from the block with nothing but your goal of gliding as long as possible under the water before emerging, laughing at your middle school self for being so dramatic about learning to do flip turns every time you pulled one off on the shallow end.
It felt so familiar, and it was cathartic in a way she forgot existed. Sure, on mixed-team days she got a few glances from the men that reminded her how childish some people continued to be, but they were easily ignored and the rest of the girls got them the same. She wasn’t self conscious about being so exposed in her suit anymore. Even dry days weren’t so bad when she got to pass half the group on the track, aside from the ones who simply had long legs on their side.
Just when she thought she might be okay, might even try to branch out and make friends, the first meet came.
The bus would pick them up at six fifty. They’d arrive at the opponent's pool by seven thirty. On the ride there everyone would get their assignments, and she’d hopefully get the perfect amount of easy and challenging, the day would end and she’d get to devour everything in her dorm room and then some.
Saturday arrived, her alarm was set for six. Ahsoka rolled out of bed and into her suit, packed her backpack with one too many towels, not enough food, a change of clothes and as much entertainment as she could. Being new to the team almost certainly meant a lot of time on her hands. She didn’t know if she’d get called for an event at all.
The team piled into the bus, and Ahsoka found herself grateful she was able to sit in the back row and nobody joined her. It was easier that way. Nerves didn’t bode well for new friendships.
Everyone got their cards. Some two, some three, some more. She saw a junior, Anakin, get five, and she was pretty sure he was boasting when he “accidentally” dropped them all on the ground.
Coach Ti finally reached the back of the bus. “Since this is your first meet-” She knew the phrase was coming. “You’re only in a 100 back. You’ll be put in more events as you spend more time with us.”
Her smile seemed genuine, Ahsoka’s was not. She took the card from her coach’s hand and pulled out a sharpie. She briefly debated writing a second or third event on her arm, just to look a little less pathetic, but decided against it. She’d probably feel the torment from their gazes either way.
The time between starting and event 42 was longer than she ever thought it would be. And maybe it was psychological, but Ahsoka could swear she could feel someone staring at her from a few seats down in the bleachers. She just wanted to read her book in peace, occasionally glancing at the board for her event number to tick ever so slowly towards her.
She heard her name called, and shuffling as people moved to accommodate another person. “I need you to sub.”
Those words usually struck fear into the heart of a swimmer, but that was when they already had enough events to think about. This time, possibly for the first time ever, it made her excited.
“Three new events,” Coach Ti said. “A swimmer had to leave for a family emergency.” And everyone else already had too many events, was left unsaid, but really, she was one with the least packed schedule here. “You’re up in a few minutes.”
And looking at the first card, the little number next to 100 breast just so happened to be 19. The number on the board was 18.
“A little warning, would be nice,” She mumbled, gathering her things and stuffing them in her bag, stripping herself of her sweatpants and hurrying to the block.
Her hair was in a bun. Ahsoka tightened it, throwing on her cap, letting memories wash over her as she stepped up behind the block. It was all so familiar.
“C’mon,” She’d told Barriss, all lanky limbs and overconfidence. She told her friend it’d be fun to try, seeing the older swimmers put each other’s caps on. She’d never tried it personally, but she trusted Barriss.
“I don’t know Ahsoka.” She fiddled with the cap. “I’ve never done it before.”
“It’ll be fine,” She’d assured.
Ahsoka left that day with memories and a black eye. It made her smile. She suddenly wished for the old days, when she didn’t see which friends were toxic and didn’t understand the pressure of life. Things changed, and so had she.
The last swimmer had gotten out of the water. She slid her goggles on.
The horn blaring in her ear was enough to distract her from the dangerous thoughts, diving in and gliding as far as she could across the pool in one stride. She broke the water. The first thing Ahsoka had taught herself was never to see where people were beside her. She was going as fast as she knew she should, and competitiveness wouldn’t help her pace. She broke this rule on the regular in middle school, but not today. She couldn’t afford to be distracted.
Her head breached the water. Hands slid in front of her, thrusting her shoulders forward. Ahsoka was careful to keep her feet a steady eighteen inches from the surface at all times, absolutely refusing to have a DQ this early on.
Flipturn. 25 meters done.
Same process. Hands to her chest, head rising above the water, shoulders thrusting forward, feet following hands.
Flipturn. 50 meters done.
Her goggles were getting hazy. The last thing she needed was not being able to see, but she pushed on. The wall entered her limited field of vision.
Flipturn. 75 meters done.
Somebody reached the wall a few moments after her, head surfacing and Ahsoka catching a glimpse of someone’s feet splashing beneath the water. At the very least, she knew she wasn’t in last quite yet. Her first official event, at her first meet in a year, with her brand new team, she knew she wasn’t going to be in last and that was enough. The flags passed over her head. Three meters to go, two, one-
Her hands smacked the wall. 100 meters done.
“Time?” She panted with everything left in her. The timer smiled.
“1 minute, 16.23 seconds.”
She hadn’t beaten her record, but the time felt good anyway. It made something inside her swell, just like it did when she watched the person on her right finish, then on her left, and vaguely saw someone a few lanes down finish. “What place did I get?” Ahsoka hadn’t seen Coach Ti yet, too intent on her results, but the woman had been cheering her on from the beginning.
“Gotta wait for everyone’s times,” The woman said in her thick southern accent.
“Give me the preliminary, then.”
She laughed. “Well, I think you got second. Now come on out of there, people are waiting.”
Ahsoka sheepishly lifted herself out of the pool, but the words second place rang through her head with a calming voice. She did well. She wasn’t best- but she did good, and that was all that mattered in the moment.
She returned to the stands, sopping wet, a smile etched onto her features until her next event.
========
The back of the bus was mostly filled on the way back. But so were all the other seats, and she supposed this was the universe’s way of telling her to get her act together and make some friends.
(All she really wanted was to send pictures of her times and the roster to her dad, but apparently she couldn’t do that in peace.)
So Ahsoka dragged her backpack over her shoulder and dropped it by her feet, sliding into the last seat by the window. Everyone to the other side of her was talking, all boys, with another girl turning around in her seat to talk too. She remembered some of their names; there was Anakin, the man directly beside her, Coach Kenobi sat beside him (she didn’t know why either), and then two more men to the right of them she was pretty sure were brothers.
She stayed silent. Nobody bothered her at the beginning, but it seemed she wasn’t so lucky, because a few minutes before coming up to the school, Kenobi interrupted. The rest of the group had settled and it seemed she was the only piece of intelligent conversation left, not that she blamed him. Anakin always seemed pretty light in the head.
“So, Miss Tano.” He shifted in his seat. Ahsoka only moved because he was a coach . She couldn’t exactly ignore him. “You got subbed in today, right?”
“Ya, someone with a family emergency. And it’s just Ahsoka.”
“How’d you take it?”
She couldn’t help but grin slightly, excited to have an excuse to brag. “It was really sudden, but I loved it. I was expecting to just have my one event, so it was nice to feel at least a little needed,” Ahsoka joked while shutting her book.
“I’m sorry you felt unneeded-”
“Oh, not like that,” She assured. “It’s just that I’m new to the team. I understand that it’s normal.”
Kenobi smiled slightly, seemingly enjoying the conversation. “So how long have you been swimming? You must be pretty skilled if you were scouted straight out of highschool.”
“I’m not some child prodigy if that’s what you’re asking.” The book was shoved in her bag. “I started on my middle school team with a couple of my friends.” She debated tacking on, I was actually scouted in eleventh grade but decided against it. She wasn’t that inflated.
It seemed someone beat her to it. “No, I read about you, you were scouted earlier.”
Of course, it was Anakin.
She couldn’t really judge him this early on, as she’d never had an actual conversation with him, but she had a feeling she knew everything about him anyway.
“Eleventh grade.”
“If you were scouted that early, why didn’t you join at the actual start of the year? We could have used you.”
Oh. Well, at least he could be nice once in a while.
“I wasn’t going to join a team at all. I stopped swimming competitively the next year.”
“But you still got onto the Knights like, two years later?” He prodded, somehow sounding proud of the team name. “You’d be out of practice. I don’t believe it.”
His smirk set her off. “I said I stopped swimming competitively , not all together.”
“Excuse me for being skeptical.”
“Ya, excuse you.”
Saved by the bell. The bus jerked to a stop in the parking lot. “Enjoy your day everyone, we have the pool tomorrow morning for a free swim if anyone’s interested,” Coach Ti said from the front of the bus. Ahsoka didn’t hesitate to grab her bag and leave the conversation. She thought she heard someone call after her, but was halfway to the dorms before anyone stopped her.
“Wow, you’re fast,” Anakin said as he grabbed her shoulder.
“Usually because I’m trying to get away from annoying people.”
He narrowed his eyes, but said nothing. “We always go out to eat after meets, it’s like an unofficial rule. You’re part of the team, you’re coming with.”
“I could eat a horse”, she’d told Plo, Barriss in the backseat with her as they drove home from finals. There was something about swimmers that made it so easy to devour anything and everything without gaining a pound.
He only smiled and turned into the first fast food place he could find.
That wasn’t like this. That was happiness during bad days, months spent in a group home and with friends you wouldn’t admit were awful for you because they were the only people who wanted you.
It would be so easy to deny him.
“Let me change,” She sighed.
Anakin gave her a smile, a genuine one, not a smirk that made her angry. “We’re all meeting at Dex’s down the road. I’ll see you there,” And he was off running.
The warmth that settled in her chest as she walked into a bustling diner twenty minutes later made her hope that maybe things could be different this time around.
========
The door swung open, and all Ahsoka heard was laughter.
Two tables near the back were packed with the team of swimmers, men and women alike, some still in swimsuits and sweatpants like she had debated doing herself. There were baskets of fries half finished and various different drinks (some she was sure were alcoholic) in hands. It was so familiar, so homey, so friendly, Ahsoka was pretty sure she was getting choked up at the thought of being a part of it all.
She debated leaving. Just walking out the door, saying she wasn’t feeling well if anyone asked, and passing through the semester with as little interaction as possible. Because she wasn’t supposed to fit in.
Not with these people. She never had.
But her name was called, and voices cheered, and even if she was ready to go have a cry in the bathroom, she couldn’t make herself leave anymore.
Anakin made space beside her. “Hey there, Snips, glad you came!”
“Snips?” She scoffed. “That’s just rude.”
“Yeah, Skywalker, rude ,” Someone called from the other end of the table. She ignored them.
“Skywalker?”
“And?”
“I don’t know, Skyguy, and?”
The room laughed, and Anakin couldn’t do more than narrow his eyes jokingly. It hurt, it hurt to be accepted because she was never accepted, and everything within her screamed that somehow this was all going to end the moment she stepped out of that door.
(She told herself she was doing it for the fries.
It was far more than that.)
Ahsoka laughed with them, learned everybody’s names, and let herself get attached. It felt good to be a part of something again.