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The WaveRider seemed cold this evening.
Maybe it was because it had been overtaken by the bot versions of The Legends; their cold and inhumane selves.
Or maybe it was because Ava had been shot and Sara wasn’t there.
It wasn’t even the fact that she wasn’t there — she couldn’t be there.
Ava is okay and Sara thanks whatever lucky stars she has rooting for her. Maybe Laurel is looking out for her still, from the beyond.
She’d come close to losing everything; to being stuck at the fixed point for eternity.
To being stuck without Ava.
Sara pours herself a glass of whiskey, neat. She takes in the burn and the way it makes her eyes water — maybe from tears, maybe from pain.
The pain she feels in her heart; the pain deep down inside of her.
“You okay?” Comes Nate’s voice as he takes a seat in the chair next to Sara.
Sara stares at the glass of whiskey, as if in it holds the answers that she’s been looking for for so long. “M’fine,” she says. “Tired.”
Nate nods. “It’s been a long day,” he says. “But at least the robot versions of ourselves are gone.”
Sara nods.
“And you don’t have to spend an eternity in the fixed point,” Nate adds, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.
Sara flinches at the words fixed point.
She had promised to never leave Ava again, yet she came so close to doing exactly that. Though it was for a good reason, it was still consuming her.
“We’re lucky to have you as our captain,” Nate tells Sara. “You were going to sacrifice everything for us.”
She’d do it again in a heartbeat and that’s what is eating her alive.
The guilt between being a captain and being a wife.
“I can’t thank you enough for what you did, Nate,” Sara says. “You saved me.”
“You’re my family,” Nate says. “And if you had been stuck in the fixed point, I would’ve never stopped trying to find a way to get you out; to bring you back home.”
Home.
The WaveRider is her home; The Legends are her home; Ava is her home.
“I know,” Sara says.
Because she does. Nate has been there through the darkest of times and has always had her back throughout everything.
“You saved me long before I ever saved you,” Nate says. He takes a sip of whiskey.
Sara knows the feeling. Ava had saved her time and time again.
“I was going to leave her,” Sara says out loud before she even realizes she did.
Nate scrunches his eyebrows together. “What?” He asks.
“Ava,” Sara breathes out and her chin quivers. “She got shot and I was going to leave her.”
“But you didn’t,” Nate says.
“But I almost did,” Sara pushes out. She downs the rest of the whiskey in her glass. “My wife got shot and I was going to leave her.”
Just like she had left Nyssa all those years ago.
Maybe she hasn’t changed at all; maybe she’s still the same cold-blooded assassin she was trained to be.
“We would’ve found a way to bring you back home,” Nate assures Sara.
“I promised,” Sara stammers. “I vowed to fight for her.”
“You were,” Nate says.
Sara shakes her head. “I wasn’t,” she says. “She got shot and I walked away.”
“To save your team,” Nate reminds her. “She would’ve understood.”
“I was going to leave without telling her,” Sara says. She pours herself another glass of whiskey and downs it.
“Maybe you should go and talk to her,” Nate says.
“She’s resting,” Sara says softly.
When they got back on the ship, after having a few drinks with the other time travelers and Sara telling the other Legends about the deal she had made with Thawne, Ava said she was exhausted and wanted to lay down.
Sara knows her wife well enough to take that as a I’m mad at you but I don’t want to fight right now.
“She needs you,” Nate says, standing up and patting Sara on the shoulder. “Just as much as the rest of us do.”
*
Sara walks into her and Ava’s bedroom.
Ava is on their bed, reading a book, in just her sports bra and shorts. She has a bandage over where she got shot.
“Hey, babe,” Sara offers gently.
Ava looks up from the book she’s reading and stares at Sara.
It’s then that Sara sees all of the sadness and anger in Ava’s eyes.
“How’s your shoulder?” Sara asks, leaning against the door to their bedroom.
“It’s fine,” Ava says, setting her book down.
Sara’s never felt so small, so far away; not even when she was in space. The words she so desperately wants to say won’t come out of her mouth and she feels like she did so long ago — trapped in her own mind.
So she says the one thing that she knows will remain true for eternity.
“I love you.”
And, god, she does. She loves the way Ava undoes her; the way Ava cares for her. Her love for Nyssa had been so desperate, so unkind, but her love for Ava is like listening to rock music while sitting on top of your car and watching the sunset. She hadn’t ever dared to love Ava desperately — she’d loved her completely and sincerely.
Tears burn in Sara’s eyes because she’d come so close to losing her wife. From the bullet to the fixed point — Sara had been running on fumes.
“I’m exhausted, Sara,” Ava says so softly that Sara almost doesn’t hear it.
She knows Ava loves her, too. That goes without saying.
“I know,” Sara says, looking down at her feet.
“No,” Ava says, shaking her head. “I don’t think you do.”
Perhaps she doesn’t. Sara’s been exhausted in many ways before she had ever stepped foot on the WaveRider, but maybe Ava was feeling a different sort of exhausted; maybe her soul was tired.
Sara looks back up at Ava, who is playing with her wedding ring.
“I will listen to you, even when the words are hard to hear, and I will let you in, even when I’m afraid,” Sara had said.
“I love our team, Sara,” Ava goes on. “I love living on the WaveRider and I love our family.”
They’d all been her family for so long, now.
“And I love you,” Ava adds. “I love your integrity and your grit, but I get scared sometimes.”
Sara chews on her bottom lip.
Ava sighs. “I can’t do this without you,” she tells Sara.
“You’re an amazing co-captain,” Sara assures Ava. “The team isn’t complete without you.”
“I’m not talking about the team or captaincy,” Ava says. “I’m talking about you. When you were stuck in space, it felt like I was suffocating. Each day you were gone, it got harder and harder to breathe.”
Sara’s chin quivers. She remembers when Ava vanished from existence. She’d felt the same way, then.
“You’re a damn good captain, my love, but I don’t need you to be,” Ava says. “At the end of the day, you’re my wife. That’s who I need you to be.”
“What if I can’t be the person that you need?” Sara had asked what felt like ions ago.
“I’m not mad that you were going to sacrifice yourself to save all of us,” Ava says. “I’m not even mad that you couldn’t stick around after I got shot.”
Sara had figured that those were the exact reasons that Ava was mad.
“We were on a mission and our team needed you,” Ava says. “I could never fault you for that.”
What on Earth had Sara Lance ever done to deserve someone so pure?
“Look, I don’t deserve you,” Sara had said at the very beginning of their relationship.
“The timeline needed you,” Ava adds. She adjusts her injured shoulder and lets out a small sigh. “But before we are anything, we are wives.”
“I vow to live this life together,” Ava had said.
“There should be a balance between us being co-captains and us being married,” Ava continues. “Because when we try to be both at the same time, that’s when things get messy; that’s what makes me angry.”
Sara sees the tears in Ava’s eyes; the pain. Maybe from her shoulder; maybe from her hurting heart.
“I should’ve stopped as soon as you got shot,” Sara says. She clears her throat, begging the tears to stop burning her eyes. “I should’ve put someone else in charge for the mission; I should’ve stayed with you.”
She understands, then. The part of her that is Ava’s wife wanted nothing more than to stay and take care of her, but the part of her that is the captain wanted nothing more than to fight for her team.
She would’ve gone down trying.
She would’ve, too, if it wasn’t for Nate.
“If you had stayed with me, Nate wouldn’t have been able to save you from being trapped in the fixed point for forever,” Ava reminds Sara.
“Goodbye’s are never easy. Is that why I didn’t get one?” Nyssa had asked Sara lightyears ago.
“I meant what I said before, Ava,” Sara says, taking a step towards their bed. “I’m never going to leave you ever again.”
“But you were going to,” Ava points out. She doesn’t sound angry — she sounds hurt. “You didn’t tell me about the promise you made to Gwen and you didn’t tell me about the deal you made with Thawne.”
“I was trying to protect you,” Sara says.
“You were hurting me,” Ava says.
Sara lets the tears fall from her eyes and she swallows hard. “I never wanted to,” she pushes out.
“I know,” Ava says. She wipes a tear off of her face.
Sara goes and sits down in front of Ava. She cups her face and sniffles. “I’m so sorry,” she breathes out.
Ava leans into Sara’s touch. “You’re not walking Earth alone anymore, Sara,” she says. “Our family needs you way more than the timeline does.”
Sara nods.
“I wanna know what’s going on in here,” Ava says softly as she places her hand over Sara’s heart. “You don’t have to guard it anymore.”
Sara kisses Ava’s forehead and her lips linger there. “Okay,” she says. “What do you say we go and take a shower, then talk over a glass of whiskey?”
“I’d say lead the way, Captain Lance,” Ava says lightly.
“It’s wife to you,” Sara says.
They’d be okay.
Because at the end of the day; at the end of the mission, love persevered.