Chapter Text
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 9:34 am
Subject: Clave Partnership Legal Brief
Hello Alexander,
This is Magnus from business development. Pleasure to make your (virtual) acquaintance.
I wanted to inquire as to your/Legal’s status on the term sheet for our partnership with Clave Inc. We would really like to close this deal this week (not to be corporately passive aggressive or anything).
Please let me know when your team will have the document completed.
Kind regards,
Magnus Bane
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 10:54am
Subject: RE: Clave Partnership Legal Brief
Attached. Sorry for the delay.
Attachment: <Clave-Institute-Term-Sheet.pdf>
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 11:05am
Subject: RE: Clave Partnership Legal Brief
Dear Alexander,
Sigh… don’t people enjoy communication anymore? Everyone’s so brusque nowadays. One-word answers all around :(
Thank you anyway for the document, and your prompt reply.
All my best,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 11:47am
Subject: RE: Clave Partnership Legal Brief
Dear Magnus,
My most sincere apologies for upsetting your delicate workplace sensibilities. In future correspondence I shall endeavor to waste both of our times by dancing around your feelings. Please expect a conciliatory bouquet of flowers at your desk this afternoon.
Please don’t hesitate to let me know if there’s anything else I can assist you with. The wordier your request, the better.
Warmest regards,
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 1:11pm
Subject: RE: Clave Partnership Legal Brief
Ouch :( right in the digital heart. And here I thought we were getting along so well. But see? You ARE capable of full sentences!
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 2:10pm
Subject: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
[this message contains no text]
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 2:23pm
Subject: RE: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
I’m a man of my word.
And I couldn’t let you just keep crying at your desk, could I?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 2:45pm
Subject: RE: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
Cry? And ruin my mascara? What do you take me for?
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 3:00pm
Subject: RE: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
I really don’t know.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 3:20pm
Subject: RE: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
Also, I’ll have you know I haven’t cried over a boy since *checks notes* 2019.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, October 14, 2021, 3:32pm
Subject: RE: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SENT ME FLOWERS
Good to know.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 9:00am
Subject: the circle purchase agreement
Hi Magnus,
Please send over the terms of agreement with Circle LLC so I can finish the document.
Thanks,
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 9:34am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
Hello beloved,
Firstly, sending this at 9 o’clock on the dot was unnecessary. Some of us have to get our brains online first.
Secondly, why do you think I will help you after how rude you were to me last week? I’m pouting at my screen right now.
Grumpily,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 9:45am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
because it’s your job?????
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 10:00am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
touché
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 10:20am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
Can I get the information now?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 10:34am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
yes, attached.
Attachment: <terms.docx>
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 11:15am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
awe, you sent me coffee 🥺 am I sensing a soft heart under all that sass?
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 11:25am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
I need you awake so I can do my fucking job
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 18, 2021, 11:37am
Subject: RE: the circle purchase agreement
Don’t worry, Alexander 😉 your secret’s safe with me…
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 9:00am
Subject: Coffee
Hello dearest colleague,
I have sent you coffee as repayment for your kindness last week. Also because this time I need you awake. Expect an absolutely torrential downpour of document requests coming your way imminently.
I hope you had a nice weekend. Did you stew in misanthropy for an appropriate amount of time?
Kindly,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 10:21am
Subject: RE: Coffee
Hello Most Esteemed Coworker,
Thanks for the coffee. Not-thanks for the downpour of work.
And how did you know? I sat in my cave for 48 hours straight thinking about how much I detest humanity.
What did you do? Scream in joy to the heavens?
Most avidly,
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 10:42am
Subject: RE: Coffee
Actually, I went clubbing. Though basically the same thing :)
Despite your claims of desiring total isolation, you continue to engage with me… may I deduce that you’re actually in desperate need of a friend?? 🥺
Don’t worry, I am happy to keep you company at work.
Your hopefully-not-hated work associate,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 11:15am
Subject: RE: Coffee
I have enough friends outside of work, thanks.
But actually, why do you keep talking to me?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 11:25am
Subject: RE: Coffee
Oh, really? What kind of friends? …Girlfriend? …Boyfriend?
And why? Because work bores me to tears. And I find your… everything intriguing.
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 11:45am
Subject: RE: Coffee
Siblings, mostly.
I don’t know what my “everything” means and I don’t want to.
If work bores you, why stay?
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 12:00pm
Subject: RE: Coffee
I have to pay for my cat’s lavish lifestyle.
Also, these Armani jackets don’t buy themselves.
Magnus ✨✨✨✨
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, October 25, 2021, 12:23pm
Subject: RE: Coffee
How did I know that would be the answer?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2021, 10:30am
Subject: Pastries… and legal briefs :/
I have placed copious pastries in the break room. I may have purchased them for you but then I didn’t want to look like a try-hard so I bought more and made them for everyone. Perhaps.
Unfortunately, I must also request another draft of the purchase agreement AND transfer of ownership AND diligence sheet from you 😔. Believe me, it truly pains me to do so.
Yours in pains au chocolat (and pain sans chocolat),
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2021, 10:50am
Subject: RE: Pastries… and legal briefs :/
Thanks, I really needed some kind of pick-me-up today.
I’ve attached all your documents, I already did them for you. Figured you would need them.
Attachments: <Purchase_Agreement.pdf> <Transfer_of_Ownership.pdf> <Legal_Diligence.pdf>
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2021, 11:02am
Subject: RE: Pastries… and legal briefs :/
Ah, an Acts of Service man 🥺 I see you.
You have no idea how much less stressful this makes my day. Thank you.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2021, 1:00pm
Subject: RE: Pastries… and legal briefs :/
Anytime, Magnus.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:34am
Subject: [this message has no subject]
Did clubbing suitably endear you to humanity this weekend?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:36am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
Why do you assume that’s all I do every weekend?
And I’ll have you know I was actually taking my cat to a cat show :)
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:40am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
Just a vibe.
That’s much worse somehow.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:45am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
That’s code for “I would like to see your precious little kitty cat, Magnus.”
Well, here you go!
Attachment: <chairman_meow.jpeg>
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:50am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
Okay, it is kind of cute.
But don’t you have work to be doing?
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:51am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
YOU EMAILED ME!!
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 15, 2021, 10:53am
Subject: RE: [this message has no subject]
…fair enough.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 9:05am
Subject: sadness. misery. agony. despair.
Alas, it is Monday 😓.
Did you enjoy the long long weekend? I did not. I got plastered every night thinking about coming back in today.
Do you want to know my one shining light in the darkness, the sole reason I dragged my ass into the office at this unacceptable hour to slog through meaningless bullshit for another day, instead of disappearing into the Catskills, never to be seen again?
It was your pretty, grumpy face 😊. Perhaps I will survive another day, after all.
Over-caffeinatedly yours,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 9:13am
Subject: RE: sadness. misery. agony. despair.
How could you possibly know if my face is “pretty”?
Please don’t disappear into the Catskills. Somehow I doubt you even own hiking boots. Whatever fancy ones you’re wearing right now don’t count. I really don’t want to have to come rescue your sorry ass when you fall into a ravine.
Yours in please-do-not-attempt-mountaineering,
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 9:17am
Subject: RE: sadness. misery. agony. despair.
It’s just a vibe.
Aw, you would come rescue me?? 🥺 I could use some rescuing right now. Rescuing from this bullshit. Have I told you I hate corporate America? I hate corporate America.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 9:22am
Subject: RE: sadness. misery. agony. despair.
I can’t help with that, I’m afraid.
I’d send you a bottle of scotch to cheer you up but based on your experiences this weekend I’m not sure it would be a good idea.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 9:24am
Subject: RE: sadness. misery. agony. despair.
why do you have to be sensible 🙁
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 11:58am
Subject: I am sensing a pattern here…
The cupcakes were MUCH appreciated, darling.
Acts of Service, check. Gift Giving, check. Hmm… we should “touch base” on this later 😉
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, November 29, 2021, 3:45pm
Subject: RE: I am sensing a pattern here…
If you say so.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2021, 10:02am
Subject: The documents
Hey Magnus,
Here are the documents your team requested.
Best,
Alec
Attachments: <NDA.pdf> <Services_Agreement.pdf>
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2021, 4:30pm
Subject: The documents
Hey, just checking you got these? I thought it was urgent?
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, December 16, 2021, 12:02pm
Subject: The documents
Magnus??
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Friday, December 17, 2021, 10:45am
Subject: RE: The documents
Sorry darling, I was out sick the past few days. I was coughing like a Victorian maiden who needs to be sent to the seaside for her health 😓 If only…
On the other hand, if the illness takes me today I won’t have to finish this report :/
I do appreciate “the documents” :) you are a god amongst men.
Although that now means that I have to do my work… every day is a new trial.
Sniffling,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Friday, December 17, 2021, 10:47am
Subject: RE: The documents
I hope you’re okay now. Take it easy, even if the work doesn’t get done.
One day at a time. Holiday’s almost here.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Friday, December 17, 2021, 11:02am
Subject: RE: The documents
😊😊😊😊😊
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, December 23, 2021, 4:34pm
Subject: If I don’t see you…
(and really, why would I?) then have a good holiday, darling ❄ I know you’ve been absolutely piled with work so I hope you get a break.
I will see you on the other side…
Tentatively in the holiday spirit,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, December 23, 2021, 6:23pm
Subject: RE: If I don’t see you…
You too, Magnus. Please try to get some rest. Maybe consider only getting hammered every other day this time.
I’ll see you in the new year.
Alec
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, December 23, 2021, 6:33pm
Subject: RE: If I don’t see you…
Sent at 6:23pm… please tell me you’re not still at the office.
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Thursday, December 23, 2021, 6:40pm
Subject: RE: If I don’t see you…
Yeah, just finishing some stuff.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Thursday, December 23, 2021, 6:43pm
Subject: RE: If I don’t see you…
Christ Almighty.
Saturday, December 25, 2021, 9:56pm
Call from: [unknown, New York area code]
“…Hello?”
“Alexander?”
“…Is that Magnus? How did you even get my number?”
“It’s on your email signature.”
“Oh.”
“But you’re right, it is somewhat of a breach of workplace etiquette. I apologize.”
“It’s alright. Do you need something? Please tell me there’s not like a document I need to do last minute.”
“No, no. Of course not. And I’m sorry for calling so late on Christmas, I hope I haven’t interrupted your festivities.”
“No, everyone’s pretty much already asleep. I was just cleaning up.”
“Ah yes, Acts of Service once again…”
“I still don’t really know what that means.”
“It doesn’t matter. Hmmm, your voice is so nice. It’s, hm. Deep. Sexy.”
“…Are you drunk?”
“Perhaps.”
“Well, that explains the hour. I hope you haven’t been drinking too much. You need to rest a little, too.”
“No rest for the wicked. And I’m very wicked.”
“Well, at least try to do a hobby or something, instead of ruminating about work. What do you like to do, anyway?”
“Hmm. I like to dress Chairman Meow up in outfits.”
“Oh, yeah? You wanna send me one?”
“Oh, yes, hang on.”
Text, 10:05pm: <chairmanchristmasspirit!.png>
“Wow.”
“Yep. He detests it.”
“I’ll bet.”
“You know, you sound much nicer over the phone than you do on email.”
“I’ve been told I’m too ‘curt’ in writing.”
“It’s alright. I appreciate you how you are.”
“…Thanks.”
“Though if you wanted to change it, you could try including some emojis…”
“I think I’ll leave that to you, thanks.”
“…”
“Are you all alone tonight? Is that why you’re calling?”
“Can’t I just enjoy the pleasure of your company?”
“Magnus…”
“Well, it just sounds so pathetic when you put it like that. I do actually have friends, you know. They’re just all out of town visiting other family. Poor timing and all.”
“You don’t have other family to visit?”
“Not so much, no.”
“Well… you can come over here tomorrow, if you want. My siblings wouldn’t mind having one more.”
“I appreciate that, but I wouldn’t want to intrude. We haven’t even met outside of our emails, after all.”
“I guess that’s true…”
“And I think I’ve already taken up enough of your time. Thank you for the company, Alexander.”
“Magnus—”
<call disconnected>
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Sunday, December 26, 2021, 1:06pm
Subject: i am going to crawl into a hole and die
Oh my god I CANNOT believe I called you while I was drunk and morose at TEN PM. I am SO SORRY. I am mortified and I wish to disappear off the face of the earth. If you care for me at all please never speak of this to me again.
But I did appreciate the company. Thank you. Even though you probably won’t see this until you’re back at work.
Your most ashamed drunken emailer,
Magnus
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, December 27, 2021, 10:22am
Subject: RE: i am going to crawl into a hole and die
It’s seriously okay. Are you okay now? I hope your hangover wasn’t too bad.
Magnus Bane to Alec Lightwood, Date: Monday, December 27, 2021, 1:33pm
Subject: RE: i am going to crawl into a hole and die
Oh, it was bad. But it’s nothing I’m not used to.
Also, why are you answering emails during the holidays? You don’t get paid enough for that. (I don’t know how much you get paid, but no one gets paid enough for that).
Alec Lightwood to Magnus Bane, Date: Monday, December 27, 2021, 2:21pm
Subject: RE: i am going to crawl into a hole and die
Because it came from you.