Work Text:
It all started with a single blog post.
On April 12th, the user known only as batw1ngs posted on Gotham’s most popular blog, GothWatch (featuring all the daily news about Gotham one needed to know, usually about recent supervillain attacks or Batman sightings).
In their post, batw1ngs put forth a detailed, 1000-word theory about Batman and Bruce Wayne. Batw1ngs started by compiling data of all the times that Bruce Wayne had been kidnapped. As he was a billionaire with apparently no sense of self-preservation, and very little security besides his butler, the man got kidnapped a lot. Usually Bruce Wayne somehow miraculously escaped, got rescued by Robin or one of the other Gotham vigilantes, or got released after promising the kidnappers a job at Wayne Enterprises. Once, he was even memorably rescued by Superman.
Bruce Wayne had never, ever been rescued by Batman.
Next, batw1ngs linked to a set of data about Gotham kidnappings in general. Typically, Batman rescued kidnapping victims around 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time, the other Gotham vigilantes took care of it. So it was rather startling to compare this to when Bruce Wayne was kidnapped. There was really only one conclusion to draw.
Batman hates Bruce Wayne.
Now, the internet went wild with speculation. Why does Batman hate Bruce Wayne? Does Batman just hate billionaires? No, he’s rescued other rich people before. Plus, Batman’s equipment isn’t cheap, there’s no way he hates rich people if he has a wealthy backer to encourage his vigilantism. Do Batman and Bruce Wayne have a history?
At first, speculation was only found on the internet, in forums posts and tweets. But pretty soon, Bruce Wayne started getting asked this directly. This question was finally asked on Vicki Vale’s talk show, Finding Gotham’s Truth.
“Bruce Wayne, recent speculation on the internet suggests that Batman has some sort of bad history with you, since he never rescues you from kidnappings. Is this true?” Vicki Vale pressed. She was poised on edge of her seat, her posture as graceful as a ballerina’s.
Bruce Wayne was lounging on the couch across from her and blinked for a moment before responding, his smile tight and face frozen in his grin. He seemed surprised by the question.
“Well, Ms. Vale, I’m not aware that I’ve ever done anything to offend the Batman,” Wayne said softly, his voice as smooth as honey.
“Have you met?” she pressed. Her eyes were wide with anticipation, the camera capturing her rapt expression and pursed lips.
“We’ve met on a few occasions,” Wayne conceded. “But we’ve interacted only briefly.”
“Have you asked Batman why he never rescues you from kidnappings?” Vicki Vale asked.
“It’s never come up,” Wayne said. “Besides, usually Robin, an affiliate of the Batman, rescues me, so I feel no ill will towards the Batman.”
“Do you think Batman feels ill will towards you?” Vale continued.
“I couldn’t imagine why,” Wayne said, and that was that. Many people foolishly thought that was the end of it. Little did they know, it was only the beginning.
After Bruce Wayne’s interview with Vicki Vale, things had mostly settled down. But some Gothamites were unsatisfied with Bruce Wayne’s response, and those dedicated few did further research. At all events where both Batman and Bruce Wayne were present, Wayne always left before Batman showed up, or Batman only arrived after Bruce Wayne left. They were never seen together. In fact, it seemed as if the two men actively avoided each other.
If Batman hated Bruce Wayne… well, it seemed like the hatred was mutual. Was Bruce Wayne lying?
Several weeks after the interview, an avid follower and poster on GothWatch dared to ask Jason Todd about the conspiracy when he found him in a Gotham café. Jason Todd was Bruce Wayne’s son, who mysteriously resurfaced after being legally dead several years ago. Typically, interviewing him or talking to him was a nightmare for journalists, so no one had sought his opinion on the situation. That was a mistake.
“Batman and Bruce Wayne definitely hate each other,” Todd said in the resulting video, which got turned into a TikTok that went viral. “There’s a lot of bitter and hurt feelings between them. They used to date, and it was a pretty bad breakup.” Todd sipped his coffee, lounging back in his seat with his feet on the table like he hadn’t just destroyed the entire internet.
“What?” the voice behind the camera said softly, their voice cracking around the whispered word.
“Yeah, no one knows because Batman is super paranoid,” Todd said casually. “He made a point originally to never be seen publicly with Bruce so no one would suspect they were seeing each other, but after they broke up, he just stayed away. He refuses to go near Bruce now, and Bruce leaves any event where the Batman has even the slightest chance of showing up. Now, if you’re done, I’m only at this godforsaken café to meet up with my caffeine-driven maniac replacement.” With that, Todd sauntered away, leather jacket clinging around his shoulders.
The video stopped there.
The internet went wild. Nothing was ever known about Batman’s life, and Jason Todd had just blurted out some very specific details. Speculation online was rampant, with everyone discussing Batman and Bruce Wayne’s dating life. People analyzed every little comment Bruce Wayne had ever made about Batman. Others drew up lists of every single man or woman Wayne had ever dated, according to the tabloids. No stone was left uncovered.
***
“Jason Peter Todd - you’re grounded,” Bruce said into the phone later that day.
“C’mon, B, you can’t ground me. I’m an adult, and I don’t even live at the Manor anymore,” Jason whined.
“Watch me,” Bruce threatened.
“You should be thanking me,” Jason said. “There’s no way anyone will think Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person now. Your secret identity is more secure than it’s ever been.”
“Hmm.”
***
Wayne Manor was radio silent for about a week after the ‘incident’. Reporters camped just beyond the front gates, looking for any sign of activity or some sort of statement from Wayne. In the meantime, theories about Batman and Bruce Wayne’s relationship ran amuck online. The most popular and widespread theory was that Dick Grayson, Bruce’s Wayne’s son, was in fact the old Robin, and Bruce Wayne and Batman had co-raised the kid before they split up. After they broke up, Bruce Wayne had kept the kid.
Finally, Bruce Wayne invited a reporter in to break the silence. He invited Lois Lane, all the way from The Daily Planet in Metropolis, to come interview him. The fact that Lane was even willing to go to Gotham for little more than tabloid gossip was surprising, as it wasn’t the typical sort of thing she pursued. As such, the ensuing article was very different from the heavy, political articles Lois Lane usually wrote.
After Lane published her article, the raw videos of the interview were released to the public as well. They had conducted the interview in Wayne Manor, neatly arranged in the main parlor. Wayne and Lane each took their own couch, a coffee table separating the pair.
“How did you and Batman meet?” Lane asked, her question curt and professional.
“Our sons!” Wayne said, beaming. “Dick and Robin, I mean. Dick was kidnapped years ago shortly after he started living with me, and Robin rescued him. The boys immediately hit it off, they were so cute.”
Lois frowned. “I wasn’t aware Robin usually became friends with the kidnapping victims,” she said.
“Oh no, not usually,” Wayne said, waving her concern away. “But you could say they had a shared interest? Dick saw Robin fighting by swinging around the rafters and flips and things, and Dick as you know grew up in the circus where he did acrobatics, so the two boys started talking about acrobatics. I guess that’s a rather unusual thing to have in common, so they started talking and then Robin started running into Dick a lot more.”
“That’s an adorable story,” Lane said. “How did Dick and Robin becoming friends lead you to meeting Batman?”
“Well, I don’t know if you know this Ms. Lane…” Wayne leaned in, like he was telling a secret. Lane unconsciously leaned in a little as well, her eyes wide with anticipation. “…The Batman is a bit paranoid. After the two boys saw each other again the Batman launched a full investigation against me. I guess he didn’t find anything, because the next thing I know he’s broken into the Manor and is simultaneously threatening me and rattling off my bank account numbers and my social security number while arranging playdates for our sons. We supervised them, of course – Dick was only nine at the time – and well, I guess you could say things escalated from there.” Wayne blushed, his pink cheeks very uncharacteristic for someone who had the reputation of a playboy. Lane gave a small, soft smile.
“How long were you together?” Lane asked.
“I probably shouldn’t say,” Wayne said, his tone mellow, but his eyes alight.
“I never thought I’d see a tight-lipped Bruce Wayne,” Lane said, and Wayne laughed.
He was smiling as he said, “I’ve been known to have rather loose lips in the past. But I’d rather not, as my sons put it, ‘incur the wrath of the Batman’. They are probably right. Let us just say our relationship was a long time ago and a lot of time has passed since then.”
“I’m rather impressed that you’ve managed to keep this relationship so secretive for so long. Was it hard to do, when you’re on the cover of tabloids every other night and always in the view of cameras?” Lane asked.
“I deserve none of that credit,” Wayne said. “I’m sure you’re all aware of some… very public exploits of mine, especially in my younger days. No, all of that credit belongs to the Batman, unfortunately. He hid all traces that he knew me and was never around me in public. If you’re trying to find out more about him by digging into my personal life, trust me, it won’t work. You’re welcome to try, but the Batman did his work well.”
“Speaking of public ties between Batman and yourself, since news of your relationship went public, a lot of people think that you funded the Batman’s vigilante activities. Care to comment?” Lane asked. Her fingers laced neatly in her lap, her inquisitive eyes piercing Wayne with a stare.
“I see why people would think that,” Wayne said. “I am well-known as one of the funders for the Justice League, after all. But no, I never funded the Batman. I offered some money to him, once, but he refused to accept it. I believe he already had a separate source of income long before he met me – whether that is just a benefactor or not, I don’t know.”
“You really don’t know?” Lane said inquisitively. “It seems like the type of thing one partner would learn about the other.”
Wayne’s smile was more strained, ringing of falsehood, and his eyes were dull. “His love of secrets was a point of contention, I’m afraid. Our lifestyles didn’t mesh too well – my life was very public, his was not. That’s… well, you can imagine. We didn’t work out.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Wayne. As far as I’m concerned, it’s his loss,” Lane said.
Bruce laughed. “Thank you for the vote of confidence as always, Lois.”
A few more pleasantries were exchanged between Lane and Wayne, and then the camera blinked out.
Clips from the interview circulated across the internet, especially on GothWatch and Twitter, and people poured over every aspect of the interview. Reactions varied, but most people agreed that it was both disappointingly short and somehow the most information they’d gotten about Batman, ever. If it weren’t for Batman’s presence in the Justice League, he would barely be more than an urban legend to most of the world. Now, he was talked about like he was a living, breathing person.
A lot of internet users were also disappointed by the lack of details surrounding Batman and Bruce Wayne’s break up. Most people guessed that it probably had to do with personality and lifestyle differences, as Wayne referenced that in the interview, but they knew little else. It was reportedly a messy break-up, according to Jason Todd, and it was obviously enough to make sure Batman never rescued Bruce Wayne, but just how far did it go?
According to the rest of Wayne’s children, pretty far.
Dick Grayson and Tim Drake were the only ones reporters could snag for a comment. A reporter asked Tim Drake, CEO of Wayne Enterprises and Wayne’s third son, about Bruce Wayne and Batman’s break-up at one of Wayne Enterprises’ monthly press conferences.
“How did Bruce Wayne and Batman break up?” one reporter noisily shouted when it came time to ask the CEO questions. Drake blinked at his podium, as if surprised by the question, but nobody else spoke up, and all the reporters waited patiently with their microphones and pens at the ready.
“Honestly, I don’t know the details about how they broke up,” Drake said, as cameras snapped away. “But I do know that Bruce has set of darts that he uses to throw at pictures of Batman. He misses, most of the time – never let Bruce tell you he’s good at darts. He’s also prone to go on rants about how much of an asshole Batman is when he gets very drunk – my siblings and I have had an interesting time making sure he doesn’t do that in public. Sometimes he drunkenly tries to plan revenge on Batman; it’s pretty funny. Watching Bruce try to avoid insults about Batman during Lane’s interview was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.”
“Are you concerned about any revenge plans?” the reporter continued.
Drake snorted. “Bruce is about as threatening as a puppy.”
Drake ended the press conference there. The headline of “BRUCE WAYNE: VENGEFUL EX-LOVER” splashed the cover of The Gotham Gazette less than an hour later.
That is all Tim Drake said about their breakup, but Dick Grayson did have a few words to say when he was ambushed by reporters at his apartment in Blüdhaven.
Dick Grayson was videoed as sighing as he tried to push through reporters, before turning around and addressing them. “I haven’t been around the Manor enough to know more about the situation recently, but I do speak to the old Robin occasionally,” Dick said. “Apparently Batman refuses to even mention Bruce Wayne’s name since the break-up. I think he’s really torn up about it.” At that revelation, Grayson took advantage of the reporter’s surprise to shove his way into his apartment and lock the door.
The rest of the reporters dissipated when the power went off and a minor Blüdhaven villain attacked the building. They never came back after that.
***
Bruce Wayne had aged about ten years in the matter of a few months. His hair was turning grey. He would rather fight the Joker ten times than deal with any more reporters shoving a microphone in his face asking about his relationship with Batman. At this point, they’d gotten all the information about his fake relationship with his alter ego that they were going to get.
The paparazzi had finally gone – or at least gone far enough away that Bruce could go about his life. He breathed a little easier. He no longer had to hide himself from paparazzi when he went out as Batman – if they had caught him in the vicinity of Wayne Manor, the reporters would have gone wild. But they were gone, and things were finally settling down.
Little did Bruce know, however, that being ambushed by reporters was only the first phase of his troubles.
Bruce walked downstairs on noon on a Saturday, bleary-eyed and wearing a bathrobe, and slugged into the living room (officially dubbed “the parlor” like they were from the Victorian times). To his surprise, the room was packed.
Standing near the window were all of his worst Rogues – The Joker, Harley Quinn, The Penguin, Two-Face, The Riddler, Bane, Mr. Freeze, Scarecrow, and Poison Ivy. Some, such as the Joker, were leaning against the wall or the window. Others were elegantly draped over his couches and armchairs. Bane stood furthest in the back, the largest and the most intimidating of the crew.
“Um,” Bruce said eloquently. He really wished he had a cup of coffee, as he couldn’t deal with this many villains in his living room uncaffeinated after the late night he’d had. “…Can I help you?” He had dialed back his Brucie Wayne persona in recent years because he wanted to be seen as a somewhat responsible father, but he had no idea what he should do even if he was in his prime. Should he flirt with the Joker? Would it be strange if he flirted with the Joker? The man did murder his son, but it’s not like Bruce Wayne would know that.
“Bruce Wayne,” Joker said, with a cackle. “The question is, can we help you?”
He’d never expected to encounter the Joker in his civilian persona. “Uh… I mean, if you’re offering, you could try not killing people? That might be nice,” Bruce said tentatively.
“Oh, but that’s not as much fun!” the Joker exclaimed, clapping his hands once with psychotic glee and menace. “I was more referring to your little… Batsy problem. I hear you don’t get along,” Joker said.
“Oh, right,” Bruce said, making sure to sour his expression at the mention of the man. He wasn’t doing an interview with Lois, he had to pretend to be genuine in his dislike for Batman.
Harley interrupted their stilted conversation. “What Mistah J means is we’ll let you in on the next plot to take out Batman,” Harley said. “You know him pretty well… I’m sure you could contribute a few ideas.”
Bruce hesitated. This could be an invaluable intelligence gathering opportunity, but he had to draw some lines. He, the man who supposedly was as harmless as a puppy, couldn’t exactly be too enthusiastic without raising suspicion. Getting his civilian self involved could be dangerous. “It’s true we don’t exactly get along, but I don’t condone murder,” Bruce finally said.
“Oh, we’re not going to kill the Bat,” the Joker cackled. “No, no, no! That’s not any fun! We’re just going to rough him up a bit!”
“Make him pay,” Bane added unnecessarily, cracking his fists against each other.
“There’s nothing worse than a slighted ex,” Poison Ivy said as she untangled herself from Bruce’s pillows on the couch. She sauntered forward, leering suggestively at Bruce and standing mere inches from him. Bruce, in turn, pretended to be mesmerized and leaned a bit closer to her, as if he simply couldn’t help himself.
“I’m in,” Bruce said breathlessly, well-aware that Poison Ivy’s eyes were following his lips. He pretended to do the same. “I’ll help you take down the Batman.”
“Excellent!” the Joker said, clapping his hands together rapidly, and Harley Quinn let out a whoop of joy as her hammer crashed into one of Bruce’s vases. He made sure to flinch at the sight. That’s what a slightly intimidated billionaire would act like, he thought. Bruce Wayne supposedly cared about such things.
Actually, Alfred did care about the vases. And Alfred was probably going to kill him once he heard what happened. Suddenly, Bruce found himself much more invested in the general upkeep of his home and he suggested to the rogues that they relocate to a better location.
That’s the beginning of the sequence of events that led to him, less than an hour later, sitting in the middle of a vigorous Gotham Rogues planning session at the Iceberg Lounge. Things had moved so suddenly that Bruce had never even changed out of his bathrobe, but he wasn’t too fussed about it. Nobody looked perfect – this was like one of this college brainstorming sessions where everyone had a group project due the next day and looked like shit. The Penguin had cleared out a private room in the back just for them, and Mr. Freeze wheeled in a whiteboard to take notes and brainstorm. Bruce was definitely getting a college vibe. One side of the whiteboard was labeled “Batman’s Weaknesses” and the other half was written, “How to Exploit these Weaknesses”. Many of Bruce’s enemies were rapidly shouting out information as Freeze wrote it all down.
“Batman’s allergic to mangos,” Bruce contributed.
“Really?” the Riddler asked with interest. Everyone else seemed invested as well, their eyes following him to where he had his feet casually propped up on the table.
“None of you have ever seen the Batman around a mango, have you? He can’t breathe if one touches his skin. I think he carries around an Epi-Pen at all times.” Mr. Freeze wrote ‘mangos’ on the list.
“We could drop him in a vat full of mangos,” Harley suggested.
“With Fear Gas,” Scarecrow contributed. “He’ll be struggling to breathe and afraid.”
“If he can’t breathe in at all due to the mangos, he won’t breathe in the fear toxin,” Two-Face criticized. “I think we should have two vats – one filled with mangos, and the other filled with fake mangos. Then I’ll flip a coin. If it’s heads, he drops into the vat with mangos. If it’s tails, he drops into the one with fake mangos.”
“No, no,” The Riddler criticized. “I like the idea of the two vats, but how about Bats has to solve a riddle as well? If he gets the answer right, he gets dropped into the safe one, if he gets it wrong, into the mangos he goes.”
“There’s too many safe options,” the Penguin said. “Bats won’t go down easy. He solves all your riddles, Riddler. Just drop him in the vat of mangos and be done with it. We all know Batman will get out of that somehow.”
“Ah, but it’s about the drama, the suspense,” the Joker interjected. “It’s about – ”
They were interrupted by the beginning of a loud Nickelback song. Bruce looked down at his phone in his pocket and awkwardly pulled it out. He had once more become the center of attention.
“Really? Nickelback?” The Riddler asked.
“You’re the one who recognized it,” Poison Ivy said, smirking. The Riddler shot her a glare.
Bruce pulled out his phone and snapped it open. The Nickelback song shut off. “Hello, Dick!” he said cheerfully. “I’m entertaining some guests at the moment. Everyone, do you want to say hi?”
“Hello darling!” Harley said cheerfully. Bane let out a grunt. Nobody else seemed particularly eager to talk to his son.
“Who all is there?” Dick asked suspiciously.
“Oh, like all of Batman’s rogues,” Bruce said. “They’re really quite delightful people once you get to know them.”
“Uh, do you need to be like… rescued?” Dick asked.
“Nope, all is good,” Bruce said, sending all of the other rogues a thumbs-up as he talked on the phone. “Be home soon. We’re plotting Batman’s downfall – don’t tell anyone.”
“…Right. Your secret’s safe with me,” Dick said. “Well, I was on my way over to Gotham and was going to suggest we go ice-skating, but you seem a little occupied.”
“I’ll explain everything later, I promise,” Bruce swore to his son, even though he had no intention of doing so.
“You’d better.”
***
“Hey, Batman, why do you have an Epi-Pen?” Nightwing asked the next day in the cave.
“…”
“You’re not allergic to anything. Why are you putting it in your utility belt?”
“…”
“This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with your meeting with your Rogues, now would it? How on earth did you, Bruce Wayne, get in on a meeting about Batman?”
“They believe I am Batman’s slighted ex. Supposedly I share their desire to destroy the Batman, and I have personally contributed some personal information about Batman. I informed them about Batman’s mango allergy.”
Dick didn’t stop laughing for nearly five minutes.
Batman is incapable of laughing, but it’s possible that a smirk appeared on his face.
***
The problem with creating your own trap is that you are obligated to go through with it. Bruce realized he couldn’t exactly get out of the trap that he concocted with the rest of the Rogues without tipping them off, so on the day that the trap was meant for him, Bruce resigned himself to follow the fake trail to the Ace Chemicals building. The Rogues ambushed him there, and Bruce put up a valiant fight, but as expected, they quickly overwhelmed him.
When he gained consciousness, he was hanging upside down. Frankly, he didn’t really have time for this. There were reports from Wayne Enterprises that needed his signature, he needed to update the Watchtower’s security systems, and there was something suspicious happening in the Gotham sewers that he really needed to investigate. At least this was a relatively painless way of keeping his Rogues occupied and from hurting civilians. That’s why he’d gone along with everything in the first place.
Bruce groaned when he opened his eyes and saw all his Rogues. It was exactly as he had expected.
The Joker began to speak. “Batsy! I am so glad you have decided to enjoy us tonight. As you can see, there are two vats of mangos below you. One of them are of fake mangos. The other one is real. In order for Poison Ivy to drop you and her vines into the one of fake mangos, you will have to correctly guess the answer to Riddler’s riddle, while under the influence of Scarecrow’s dreaded fear gas. If you guess the riddle incorrectly, you will be dropped into the vat of the real mangos. Two-Face will then flip a coin, and if it lands on heads, you may have just enough time to escape before you stop breathing forever. If it lands on tails, then Mr. Freeze will freeze you into place to ensure that you can’t escape! You’re going to die tonight, Batman!” Joker maniacally clapped his hands together in anticipation.
“This is getting out of hand,” the Penguin hissed. “I’m just a crime boss. I don’t usually do death traps, at least not one’s like this. It’s much easier to set my goons on him.”
“You’re missing style, Cobblepot,” Harley said. “Traps like this are important. When they succeed, it makes his death much more satisfying than if a goon kills him. That would just be disappointing.”
“What’s the riddle?” Batman asked.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself!” The Riddler cackled. “Fear gas comes first.”
Bruce sighed as the Scarecrow was lifted into the air by Poison Ivy’s vines and dosed him. Even if he hadn’t had any idea about the trap, he’d already inoculated himself against his version of fear gas two months ago. Scarecrow was getting sloppy.
Once Scarecrow descended back with the rest of the Rogues onto the warehouse floor, the Riddler finally spoke. He leaned forward on his purple cane, his face sweating with palpable anticipation. “I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscle, yet I rule two hemispheres. What am I?”
“The human brain,” Bruce said without skipping a beat. Even if he hadn’t known which riddle he was going to say, Bruce would have gotten it.
“No!” the Riddler cried out in disgust. “I can’t believe you got it!”
“This is such a waste of time,” the Penguin muttered. “I told Nygma not to choose that one.”
The Joker cackled. “It looks like he beat you, Nygma! But luckily for me, I’m not obliged to carry through on my word. Ivy, drop him… in the one with real mangos.”
Bruce fell. The mangos were actually softer than he thought. Clearly, they’d gotten an over-ripe batch. Batman stabbed an Epi-Pen into his thigh for appearance’s sake before disarming Mr. Freeze before he could use his freeze gun. Then he grappled out and gripped the four batarangs in his hands. He threw one at Joker, Harley, Ivy, and Freeze respectively, as they were the closest and nearest threats.
Unfortunately, Bane took the hit for the Joker and the rest of them scattered now that Batman was out. Their injuries appeared to all be minor. Bruce sighed at the now-empty warehouse. He’d failed to put any of them back in Arkham Asylum where they belonged, but at least both his life and his identity were still intact. Bruce heard the Joker’s distant cackle before he tried to chase him through Gotham. As usual, he was rather unsuccessful.
***
Dick Grayson was listening to his mentor and father-figure explain the latest situation down in the batcave. Bruce had just gotten back from another planning session in the Iceberg Lounge to take down the Batman.
“They want me to be a little more active in the next plot,” Bruce explained, his cowl pushed back as he threaded his fingers through his hair in both exhaustion and exasperation. “They want me to actually be there, as Bruce Wayne, so I can taunt Batman.”
“I can go under the cowl for you, if you’d like,” Dick offered. He didn’t like wearing the Batman cowl, but a one-off wouldn’t be too bad if it kept Bruce’s secret identity intact.
But Bruce was already shaking his head. “All the Rogues know Batman far too well at this point. They’ve been fighting me for years and know exactly how I react to situations and my body type and voice. There’s a good chance that at least one of them will figure out that the real Batman isn’t there. That will only invite questions and suspicions. No, I need to be under the cape and be present as Bruce Wayne in order to alleviate any suspicions.”
“We could call up J’onn,” Dick suggested. “He could shapeshift into you. Bruce-Wayne-you, I mean. If he’s not available, you could do someone else. It’s not like the Justice League has a shortage of shape-shifters.” Dick didn’t say it, but J’onn Jones, also known as the Martian Manhunter, had worked besides Bruce in the Justice League since it’s very inception. Besides Clark and Diana, he was perhaps one of the closest friends and supporters Bruce had in the Justice League. He could certainly handle the task.
“Absolutely not. I’ll just bribe Clayface to do it,” Bruce argued.
Dick arched an eyebrow. “You would rather have an old enemy impersonate you rather than a trusted ally and teammate? I think you simply don’t want the Justice League to know about this because they would make fun of you forever,” Dick said teasingly, his lips brought up in a smirk.
“No, that’s not it at all,” Bruce argued hotly. “Clayface has been straddling the more legal side of the law recently. He’s been getting into acting again. We can bribe him by putting him in contact with some Hollywood agents I know. I’m simply showing my more philanthropic side and giving a convicted felon a better chance at life. You can’t fault me for that, Dick.”
“Uh huh,” Dick said, not buying it at all. He’d found over the years that Bruce often used philanthropy as an excuse to either do something or refuse to do something. He also knew that it was pointless to argue with Bruce on matters such as this. “Despite your faulty reasoning, sure, we can go for it. I’ll ask Babs for Clayface’s current location.”
***
The meeting with Clayface went smoothly. He was under the impression that Bruce wanted to get under Batman’s skin by working to set this trap with the Rogues, but he was also too heartbroken to stand being in Batman’s presence. Bruce was also able to explain to Clayface why he wanted Clayface’s involvement as secret from the Rogues – he was just a billionaire playboy who didn’t really have the spine to refuse villains such as the Joker.
“If I’m going to do this, I need personal details,” Clayface told him. “Romantic evenings, intimate moments, inside jokes and phrases, that sort of thing. I’m really getting into method acting. No detail is too small.”
“Right,” Bruce said. “I’ll send you a list tonight. We can also work out a script.”
He didn’t really have time to invent a complex backstory to their relationship complete with inside jokes and nicknames, so he formulated some basics on a document in the bat computer and let his sons fill out the rest of the details to send to Clayface. Bruce had more important things to do. Black Mask had taken out yet another rival drug ring and integrated the survivors of the massacre into his fold. Taking him down was much more important than figuring out details of his fake relationship.
In retrospect, he never should have let his children contribute to the document. At the bare minimum, he should have at least read through it before letting Tim forward it to Clayface. When he finally read it, it was far, far too late.
***
“I missed you, Batsy-poo,” Clayface-as-Bruce said, his brown eyes filling with tears. Man, Bruce wasn’t even going to have to bribe too many people to get Clayface a role in some movies. He was a natural. He was somehow making these hideous lines realistic. “Nothing’s been the same since that day you rescued me from the hideous Mole Man deep in the Gotham sewers. I fell in love with you then, and despite our differences… I’ve never stopped. Even when a wizard enchanted the evil versions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to kill me because of our connection, I never stopped loving you. I just became more cautious.”
Batman wanted to kill his children. He had no idea what they were thinking with this script.
“Wait, hold up,” Two-Face said. His button hovered over the switch that was supposed to open a trapdoor under Batman, one that would have him fall down a slide and land in yet another vat of mangos. “Gotham has a Mole Man? Since when?”
“I’m more broken up by Michelangelo and Donatello’s betrayal,” Harley said, tearing up. “Even if he was enchanted by a wizard, how could he use Batman and Bruce’s relationship as part of his sick plans?”
“Harley, that’s what we’re doing right now,” the Penguin said, exasperated. “Why did I ever let you all into my lounge –”
The traps the Rogues set for him were getting worse every day. Didn’t they know that Bruce had already built ten secret exits to escape from the Iceberg Lounge because of the number of times he’d been kidnapped here? Not that he could use them at the moment, since Poison Ivy had wrapped him in vines from his shoulders to his knees and bound him to a chair.
“Wait, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real too? Since when?” Two-Face asked.
“Since never,” Batman spat, his mood souring further each moment this inane conversation continued. No-killing rule be damned, he was going to kill Jason for this later. He knew he was the one who wormed in that reference. “They were enchanted to life briefly by an evil sorcerer, and then I helped vanquished them.” He couldn’t believe he had to play along with this. Why did he have to make up details about a fake wizard with fake turtles who never existed along with his ex-villainous body double?
Right, so he could both protect his secret identity and prevent his Rogues from going after innocent civilians. Was protecting civilians really worth this hell?
“You’re responsible for Raphael no longer existing? How could you!” Harley cried.
The Joker cackled. “That is one of the many crimes Batman will pay for! Along with breaking the heart of poor Bruce Wayne.” The Joker flung his arm over fake Bruce’s shoulder. Clayface looked appropriately uncomfortable.
“Blueberries!” Clayface blurted out. Batman studied his imposter. What did that mean? Oh, right. When he was looking over the notes prior to this little performance, Clayface had said blueberries was his ‘safeword’. He didn’t think Clayface would actually use it.
“Right, look Bruce,” Batman spat. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings and you never got over me. Fighting crime is more important.” He prepared his smoke bomb behind his back for a quick exit. It was surprisingly difficult to do when he was bound by dozens of feet of poisonous vines. He’d been inoculated against all of Poison Ivy’s plants, too. She really needed to use a different type of poisonous vine.
Clayface-as-Bruce’s face began openly streaming with cheeks. “DID YOU NEVER CARE ABOUT ME?” Bruce yelled.
Batman-Bruce didn’t think. Seeing his own face in tears was such a foreign expression. He hadn’t looked like that since Jason’s death. Since… since he was a scared little boy in an alleyway. So he didn’t really think about what came out of his mouth next.
“Of course I cared,” Bruce said softly, his Batman-voice sounding softer than it’d ever been. “I always cared. I just… I just wanted to protect you.” Shit. This was off script. This was way off script.
Bruce shrugged the Joker off his shoulder and bent down in front of Batman. “I’ve told you time and time again. I don’t need protecting.” Clayface-as-Bruce cupped his cheek, and Batman stopped functioning.
“It’ll always be my job to protect you,” Batman breathed.
“I know,” Clayface said, a soft smile shining through his tears. They were so close now – Batman could really only see his face, the rest of the Rogues were only in the periphery. It was strange to be staring into his own eyes. “I think I understand, now. I think I can live with that. I just… I just miss you.”
Shit, shit, shit, what was he supposed to say now - “I missed you too,” Batman found himself saying, in a lightened version of the growl. Lighter than he’d ever sounded in this suit. Fuck. He would do everything he could to make sure Selina never found out about this.
Now, it seemed, all the Gotham Rogues were waiting to see if they were going to kiss. He could still see them in the periphery, waiting to see what would happen.
Clayface leaned in. Bruce’s mind was going a thousand miles a minute. It was on autopilot. It wouldn’t stop. He was sweating, practically suffocating under these vines. He could hardly breathe. Maybe he wasn’t inoculated against these poisonous vines after all. What else would explain his racing heart, his sudden nerves? He couldn’t be this nervous about a relationship with himself.
Then their lips met, and Bruce forgot everything. His mind had blacked out, and he was just going through the motions, now. He didn’t know how long it went on, but he remembered gasping for air once they finally pulled apart.
Fuck.
***
Bruce expected to be kidnapped by the Gotham Rogues nearly daily now that he and Batman were officially together. They had literally made out in front of all of his greatest enemies. This was a disaster of epic proportions. He tried to keep it from his kids, but there was no such luck. Even if Barbara hadn’t caught the whole thing on tape and sent it to them, Jason as the Red Hood still had enough contacts in the criminal underworld to hear it from the Rogues themselves.
Surprisingly, the Rogues left Bruce alone. He was no longer invited to hangouts in the Iceberg Lounge, but he wasn’t held for ransom, either. Bruce ended up caving and calling Harley about it. Bruce had gotten the numbers of all the Rogues after their frequent Iceberg Lounge meetups, so billionaire Bruce Wayne calling her was believable.
“Aw darling, everyone ships the two of you,” Harley said. “Now, most of us don’t have a problem with beating up Batman to a pulp for hurting you, but we would never harm a hair on your head. We’re the reason the two of you got back together! We aren’t going to ruin that. Not even Joker. Ivy and I have him under control.”
“You have the Joker under control?” Bruce said. His archenemy could never be under anyone’s control. “Forgive me for throwing some doubt on that situation-”
“-He’s moping a bit, but he’ll be okay,” Harley said. “He did have a thing for Bats – so he’s a bit torn up that you stole him instead – but once he blows up that orphanage down on third he’ll be back to his old self.” Bruce made a mental note to go investigate that claim as soon as he hung up. Bruce took out his other phone and sent a quick text to Nightwing with the location of the orphanage.
“He – he had a thing for – ”
“Batman, yeah,” Harley said. “But now Batsy is very obviously not single anymore, so I reckon he’ll have to move on. Unless you and Batsy are ever down for a third… or a fourth and a fifth, Ivy and I are always down –”
Bruce choked out a very violent, “NO!” and hung up.
He only paused a moment before calling Dick. “You find the orphanage?”
“Yup, Joker’s already planted a few bombs,” Dick confirmed.
“On my way,” Bruce confirmed. He hung up, dashing from his sitting room to the grandfather clock against the wall. As he wound the minute hand and the clockface burst open, Bruce decided to do what he did best – repress that entire encounter for the rest of his life, preferably never thinking of it again until he died.
If only he could do that for his fake relationship, too.
***
The internet found out. Of course the internet found out. Everyone found out that Bruce Wayne and Batman were a couple, supposedly back together for a second time. The paparazzi were so much worse. The only way he could even leave the Manor was by the Zeta tubes he had installed in the batcave. The batmobile and his immense garage of over thirty vehicles went untouched for months.
The day the news broke, Clark called. Bruce took one look at the Caller ID, answered just to tell him to shut up, but he was on the line long enough to hear that Clark was crying with laughter. Clark didn’t even try to speak. Bruce slammed the phone on the receiver and didn’t take any calls for the rest of the day.
Selina snuck in. How she got past security without the paparazzi spotting her Bruce had no idea, but he quickly found that she wasn’t here to comfort him. She took one look at Bruce, sitting mournfully in the kitchen as Alfred prepared him hot chocolate, and she burst into laughter for so long that Bruce was worried she would hyperventilate. As it was, Alfred nearly called an ambulance so they could force her to breathe.
His kids took their revenge on the nightly news. “If I thought they were in love before, but they are sickeningly in love now,” Jason told Vicki Vale. After years of avoiding reporters, his son had finally found a good enough reason to put himself out there. “If I hear Bruce call Batman ‘batsy-poo’ or ‘bat-babe’ or ‘batty-boo” one more time, I might die. Again.”
“You shouldn’t stop love!” Vicki said, who now had an evening talk show and a nightly segment on it titled, “The Dark Knight and Gotham’s Prince: Our Sweethearts” where she gave nightly updates on Bruce and Batman’s rekindled romance. “Speaking of which… how did you come back to life again?”
“That’s classified,” Jason said, smirking. Jay had no way of knowing, but both his line and his smirk would eventually become a well-loved meme that people would attach to social media posts whenever Bruce refused to talk about his relationship with Batman. Bruce was getting sick of scrolling past his son’s face on his feed.
Bruce couldn’t even escape the drama when he was off-planet. On the Justice League’s watchtower, everyone buzzed about the relationship. Only the originally founders of the league knew that Bruce was Batman, and everyone else was under the impression that Batman was currently lovesick. Batman would catch Justice League members gossiping about him and his alter-ego, or even going up to him and asking about Bruce Wayne. The Justice League members who were in the know just made things worst by posting Bruce Wayne/Batman fan art on the walls of every room. Bruce suspected Barry – only a speedster could put up the art quicker than Batman could take it down.
(It was actually Clark.)
Things eventually quieted down. Bruce was able to leave the manor again without being bombarded. Clark stopped snickering whenever he saw him. Jason stopped doing outlandish interviews. (At the last one, he talked about Bruce’s sex life extensively on live TV before they cut the broadcast. He wasn’t invited to very many talk shows after that.)
Two years later, Clayface, who had now starred in two blockbuster hits, staged a small amicable breakup between Bruce and Batman. Bruce was finally getting serious with Selina for once and wanted to be seen in public with her. Everything rapidly died down after that, but curiously, the Joker never pursued him like he had before. Maybe Harley was right. Maybe the Joker had moved on.
Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle married four years after that. Despite the amicable nature of the breakup, they decided not to invite Batman to the wedding. All the Rogues were in attendance, however. So was most of the Justice League, which made things awkward. The press called it “the wedding of the century”.
Harley Quinn cried. Selina made her the maid of the honor and Harley made them proud by giving a rousing speech about love.
“Bruce Wayne knows what love is,” Harley said. “He’s loved, lost, and loved again and again. I thought I knew what true love looked like when I saw him with Batman, but then I saw him with Selina and I knew. I knew what it looked like. He and Selina set such a strong example that I realized my own relationship had never been right, and I moved on. I have them to thank for the lovely girlfriend I have now.” Beside her, Poison Ivy – now going by her birth name of Pamela - squeezed her hand. The crowd burst into applause. Bruce smiled, the sun shining brightly on all of them. For once, the Gotham weather decided to cooperate, granting them a stunning view of the Wayne Estate. Alfred had really gone overboard with the flowers and garden, which filled his view.
“Bruce has been my best friend for years,” Clark said next, his voice thick with tears. For once, he wasn’t wearing an ill-fitting suit. This one had been tailored especially for him, despite the risks that came with revealing that a mild-mannered reporter had muscles. Clark said it was worth looking his best for him. For Bruce. “I’ve seen him go through so much and endure so much. And while some of it may have been a bit crazy, as it involved bat-vigilantes and underground Mole Man sewer fights – “ – everyone laughed at that – “He always came out on top. And now, I think I can say, is the first time I’ve seen him truly happy. Here. With Selina and everyone he loves by his side.”
Bruce grinned at Clark, their eyes meeting. Both their eyes shimmered with unshed tears. And as Bruce’s eyes swept out across the crowd, landing on Alfred, Dick, Jason, Tim, Stephanie, Duke, Cass, Barbara, and Damian, he realized –
- Yes. I think I am truly happy.