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Lumine really was lucky that Kaeya was so fond of her. Looking back on it now, though, Kaeya was starting to wonder if she’d have been better off asking someone else to help. Of course, there was no one more qualified than the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonious, just… well, it was a personal matter. Several personal matters, in fact.
For whatever reason, she needed both Sir Kaeya and the infamous Dark Knight Hero by her side for such a quest, and Jean had been more than happy to offer up Kaeya’s services. Of course, the identity of said Dark Knight Hero was still being kept on the down low, but both Lumine and Diluc knew that Kaeya knew. Kaeya didn’t understand why she needed Diluc specifically, and couldn’t have asked one of the other capable knights, but she’d insisted.
So that was personal matter number one, or rather, not so personal these days. It wasn’t enough apparently to deter her, that the two could barely stand to be in each other’s company on a good day. Kaeya wasn’t feeling particularly good today.
It had been pouring with rain all afternoon, and after trudging through muddy tracks for the better part of three hours, the sun was starting to set, and they were all covered in a relatively thick layer of mud. Except Paimon, and Kaeya had half a mind to dunk her in it anyway, just so she could suffer along with them. He didn’t, of course, flashing a smile when she or Lumine looked his way, trying to disguise the uneasiness that had settled in his chest.
Though they hadn’t stayed on a path, Kaeya could tell they were still in the thick of Wolvendom, unkempt trees and wildlife towering around them and dampening out what little light there was left.
Eventually, Lumine stopped, and put her bag down. Diluc came to a stop next to her and did the same, plopping his bag down into the mud, and looked around, surveying the area. Kaeya scoffed to himself. As if Master Diluc would have any clue about the terrain around here. This was Kaeya’s territory. Diluc was nothing but the gentleman who ran Dawn Winery and the Angel’s Share, Dark Knight Hero be damned. Kaeya was a damned Captain of the Knights of Favonius. He knew this place better than anyone, except maybe Razor and Amber.
“This should do us for the night,” Diluc said, still surveying.
“Let’s set up the tents,” Lumine agreed.
That was personal problem number two. For whatever reason, Kaeya simply couldn’t fathom what it may be, the only two tents available for them to take with them were quite small. Meaning there wouldn’t be enough space for all four of them in one. This then left the obvious and seemingly harmless solution of Lumine and Paimon sharing one, and Kaeya and Diluc sharing the other. Kaeya simply did not under any circumstances wish to share a tent with his estranged brother, not now, not ever.
Diluc, however, impartial as ever, was showing no signs of caring. And of course, why should he? Diluc had made it quite clear long ago that Kaeya was of little significance to him, and continued to make it so every time the two were forced into each other's proximity. Kaeya was the one with the baggage, Kaeya was the one with the scars. Kaeya was the one having an internal freak out right now, as Diluc snapped the tent poles together.
“I think I saw some sunsettias over there,” Kaeya said quickly, taking a few steps away from them.
Paimon made an eager sound in response, and Kaeya hurried away. Once he’d gotten out of sight and earshot, he let out a breath. He needed to get it together. Really, all things considered, this wasn’t a big deal. He realised too late that he’d left his bag at the camp, and his flask was inside of it. He definitely could have gone for a drink right now.
No matter. He closed his eye and tipped his head back, letting the rain wash over him. It wasn’t showing any signs of letting up any time soon, so he hoped that the tents were up to scratch.
He opened his eye again just as the sky lit up, and a few moments later, a full body flinch accompanied the clapping sound of thunder.
And along came personal problem number three. Kaeya had been through shit, okay? He’d been through more than his mind even let him remember, and to this day his job constantly required him to put himself on the line, and he did so unforgivingly.
It was stupid, it was so incredibly stupid, like a child being scared of the dark, except Kaeya was far from a child, and the dark was the thunder. It had started when he was a child, that much he knew. He could never quite grasp where it had come from, his mind locking him out any time he tried to go there. He was never able to explain away the terror that coursed through him upon hearing that roar from the sky in the way he was able to explain away others. He could explain away not liking his clothes up around his neck from the time he was damn near strangled to death by a fatui agent. He could explain away his minimalism through the constant moving he’d done as a child. He could explain away the alcohol, he could explain away the pyro- well, best maybe not to get into that right now.
The point was, that he could explain away anything if he just looked hard enough, but he’d never been able to explain away this. It made him feel pathetic. Useless. Small. The last thing he needed was to be caught out in a storm with no one but Diluc for company.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, if he could get a grip and just pretend. And though he was fully intending to, he knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. He knew that Diluc would know the way a small and trembling Kaeya had curled up in his arms, under his bedsheets, after shamefaced poking his head around the door to see if the elder was awake. Kaeya still remembered better than he would have liked, the way that Diluc would hold him, one arm firmly around his waist, the other in his hair, stroking ever so gently as he whispered to him.
”It’s alright, Kae. I’m here. I’ll never let anything hurt you, I swear it. I’ll always protect you. Keep you safe. I’ve always got you.”
Kaeya preferred to refrain from thinking about it. Thinking about any of it. The stark contrast between the Diluc of Before, and the Diluc of Now was sometimes too much to bear. Kaeya liked to think he was good at keeping his cool, especially in high stress situations. He just wasn’t feeling all that confident about tonight.
He shook it off, pushing his wet hair out of his face and tracked down some sunsettias. He picked a few, and headed back in the direction of the camp, finding the tents set up, and a pathetic dwindling little fire propped under some shelter.
“Here,” Kaeya said, handing out the fruit, and moving to sit next to Lumine.
“Thanks, Kaeya,” she said with a smile. Paimon made some sort of muffled sound, but was already halfway through scarfing down her first sunsettia.
They cooked up dinner quickly, and settled in for the night. The sleeping bags were damp, but there was nothing to be done about that. Kaeya balled up his jacket to use as a pillow, before grabbing his flask out of his bag and unscrewing the cap. He could feel Diluc’s eyes on him, and willed away the flush threatening to creep up his neck. He was an adult. He could do whatever he liked, and Diluc of all people, had no right to have an opinion on that.
When he brought the flask to his lips, however, he found it empty. Empty? There was no way it was empty. If it had leaked, then surely the rest of his things would stink of hard liquor, and Kaeya distinctly remembered filling it up with the strongest stuff he had that very same morning.
He felt his heart rate quicken as panic started to creep in. He needed that. How was he supposed to sleep without it? The storm? The nightmares? Diluc?
“Pathetic,” Diluc muttered from across the tent.
Carefully, Kaeya recapped the flask. “Excuse me?” he asked, flicking his gaze over to him.
“You can’t even go one night now?” Diluc scoffed. “It’s pathetic.”
“You-” Kaeya started, accusatory, and then stopped himself, taking in a breath. “That was mine,” he continued evenly.
“A bit strong for a mission, wasn’t it?” Diluc sneered. “Aren’t you supposed to be a shining example of the Knights of Favonius?”
They both knew damn well Kaeya was a shining example of nothing.
“You had no right,” Kaeya snapped, ignoring what he had said. “You have no right to touch my things.”
“We’re on a mission, Kaeya,” Diluc snapped back, and the way that he said Kaeya’s name stung. It was scathing.
Thunder clapped again suddenly, and Kaeya flinched before he could help himself, his retort fleeing his mind instantly. Diluc watched him, calculated, and then something crossed his face for a moment, before vanishing.
“You shouldn’t be drinking on the job,” Diluc muttered, pulling his sleeping bag up around him as he settled into it. “It’s irresponsible and unprofessional. Though I can’t say I’m surprised if this is a regular occurrence.”
“You have some goddamn nerve,” Kaeya said, cutting himself off with a sharp intake of breath at another rumble of thunder. “Just go the hell to sleep. Leave me the hell alone.”
“With pleasure,” Diluc huffed in response.
With that, it was quiet. The sound of the rain pelting against the thin tent fabric wasn’t exactly restful, but then again, Kaeya wasn’t exactly feeling primed for sleep. He couldn’t sleep, now, and that was an executive decision he’d just have to make. He needed a drink to get to sleep most nights as it was, and another couple to send him into the deeper, drunken kind of sleep that wouldn’t let in his nightmares. The thought of just going to sleep, of just letting them have their way with him- and in front of Diluc? Not a chance.
Kaeya remembered waking up in cold sweats, whimpering in the bed, finding himself cradled in Diluc’s arms as he soothed him. He couldn’t remember once waking up in Diluc’s bed from a nightmare when Diluc hadn’t already been awake and comforting him. Diluc hadn’t slept through a single one. There was no way Kaeya was going to give him that kind of satisfaction now.
He curled up in the corner of their tent, wishing he could just go outside and get some air, but not really wanting to face another soaking, especially with the ferocity of the rain right now. Just the sound of Diluc’s breathing was setting him on edge, and each rustle or twig snap was working him up further. Kaeya normally did a pretty good job at not letting himself spiral into a panic attack, something that he’d struggled with as a child, but with each shaky intake of breath, Kaeya could feel himself falling further and further.
The tent was so cramped, just him and Diluc, and the sound of his damned breathing which boarderlined on snoring; when had that happened? The rain pelted against the tent, and Kaeya felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he’d used up all of the oxygen in the tent already, but he couldn’t get outside, because then he’d have to climb over Diluc’s sleeping body, and of course outside, was where the storm was.
A small wounded sound escaped him as a wolf howl pierced the air, and Kaeya took in a deep breath, slapping his hands over his face. He had to get it together. He was the goddamn Captain of the Knights, he was Jean’s right hand man, he was not having a panic attack in the corner of a tent while his estranged brother was passed out on the floor. This was not what was happening. Sure, he hadn’t been able to have his nightcap, but was that really the end of the world? Maybe. Quite possibly. No- no, it was fine. He wasn’t that dependent on alcohol. He could make it through one measly little night. How long had Diluc been asleep for? It felt like forever, but couldn’t have been more than a couple of hours at best. How long had Kaeya shoved down the feelings of panic before it had become too much? He didn’t know.
He needed- he needed some air. That would help. That would help enormously. But how? How was he supposed to manoeuvre around Diluc to get outside? Kaeya looked over the length of his body, flicking up and down a few times before just lunging over him and flinging the tent door open. He heaved in a breath of the night air, scrambling to get over Diluc as surreptitiously as he could, hand landing straight into the mud as he grabbed at the floor to steady himself. At the last moment, Kaeya grabbed his sleeping bag to use as a bit of shelter. It wasn’t as though he was going to be using it. He sat down outside the tent door, wrapping it around himself and taking in a long few deep breaths.
His whole body lurched as thunder sounded once more, and Kaeya put his face between his knees. Was there nowhere he could just feel safe? Was the last place he’d truly felt safe really Diluc’s childhood bed? Was Diluc really the only person who had ever promised him he’d keep him safe? Kaeya smiled bitterly at that thought. He still bore the scars that told him otherwise.
Kaeya vaguely remembered this feeling, as he sat in the rain, the sky cracking open above him. This feeling of being a little boy, completely and utterly alone, lost in a storm, knowing with the utmost certainty that not a single soul in the world cared about him. It had been storming like this the night Kaeya’s father had died and left him truly alone, burdening him with responsibilities he didn’t even know the meaning of.
And once again now, maybe Kaeya wasn’t alone, maybe there were people who cared, but the fact of the matter was that he’d never blamed Diluc for one very important reason. Diluc was the only person in this world who had ever truly seen Kaeya for who he was. And Diluc hated him. Diluc had hated him so much that he’d nearly killed him. Maybe he didn’t wish him dead anymore, but that didn’t change that his mere existence was nothing but a stain on Diluc’s life. He’d made that much abundantly clear.
Kaeya knew very simply that he could never again reveal his innards to someone, because if he did then he’d deserve their hatred just like he did Diluc’s. And Kaeya was selfish. He was so selfish. So he put on his facade and kept his friends, and got to pretend for a minute like he was something worth caring about. But he knew the truth. Diluc knew the truth.
So maybe that’s what this feeling was. This fear. The fear of being a little boy, completely and utterly alone and helpless, hurting with grief beyond expression.
“Kaeya, what the hell are you doing?” Came Diluc’s annoyed sleepy voice from inside the tent. “Get back inside.”
“No thank you,” Kaeya replied, surprised at the steadiness of his voice, if a little hoarse.
“You’ll catch your death, get the hell back inside,” Diluc said again, and Kaeya could hear movement from inside. The tent flap lifted, and Diluc’s annoyed face appeared. “What are you doing?”
“Getting some air.”
“Have you even slept?” Diluc huffed.
Kaeya gave him a look. Diluc’s expression wavered slightly. Kaeya knew that he knew, he didn’t need to voice it. The storm. The nightmares. The alcohol. He couldn’t sleep.
“Come back inside, Kae,” Diluc said again, softer.
Kaeya didn’t like the flash he felt inside at the nickname. “And do what?”
Kaeya followed Diluc’s eyes from Kaeya’s sleeping bag to his own, and then back to Kaeya’s again. He couldn’t exactly use his in this condition, and there was no way in hell Diluc would be giving up his own.
“And what shall I tell Lumine when you’re dead in the morning?” Diluc pressed.
“Tell her whatever you like,” Kaeya said. “It won’t matter to me, if I’m dead.”
Diluc sighed and disappeared inside the tent. Kaeya let out a small breath, relieved he might finally get some peace again. However, the rustling didn’t cease, and then Diluc was at the door again, shuffling out slightly so that he was sat next to Kaeya, looking very grumpy as he wrapped his sleeping bag around himself to keep off the rain.
“What are you doing?” Kaeya asked flatly. “Go back inside.”
“No,” Diluc said stubbornly, and Kaeya left it at that. He wasn’t going to fight him on this, he didn’t have the energy.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Kaeya didn’t quite know what to make of it.
“You still get nightmares,” Diluc breathed at last. It wasn’t a question.
“Yes,” Kaeya answered. He’d have figured that much was obvious.
“Are they any better?”
“Worse.”
Diluc was quiet for a moment. “I shouldn’t have touched your things.”
“No,” Kaeya agreed.
He didn’t know why Diluc was asking, why he was bothering pushing for information he surely didn’t care to know the answer to. Kaeya was expecting him to stay quiet after that, but he didn’t.
“Am I ever in them?” he asked, and then suddenly looked as though he sincerely regretted asking.
“Sometimes,” Kaeya said carefully. That wasn’t a lie. He’d woken up many a time with the sensation of a burning blade scalding his skin. “Sometimes,” he continued lightly, “sometimes the nightmares are really good dreams.”
“Then why are they nightmares?” Diluc asked softly.
Kaeya’s lip curled slightly. “Then I wake up.”
He listened to the sound of Diluc breathing next to him, a sound he’d once sought great comfort in. “Kae,” he whispered.
Kaeya turned to look at him, and neither of them spoke. What could even be said? What could you say when there was this much hurt?
Kaeya flinched slightly as another more distant rumble sounded through the air, cursing himself softly. Diluc moved a little closer, and Kaeya let him. Something settled over them, then. An air of comfortability that hadn’t lent itself to them in years.
Being angry with Diluc was something of a past time these days. But deeper, something of a bandage to wrap up that deep wound of self hatred inside of himself. He’d never blamed him, only himself. And if it came to it again, Kaeya would gladly fall on his blade. He’d let Diluc kill him, if that was the retribution he wanted. But it wasn’t. Diluc was too good for that. He’d always been too good, wrapping his arms around a scared little boy when he was not much older himself, promising to protect him for always.
Kaeya had never needed anyone to protect him, and yet, there he’d always been. Diluc had broken that promise as it was, and yet, here he was, in the pouring rain, at god only knows what time, by Kaeya’s side again.
“You don’t have to sit out here with me,” Kaeya mumbled at last, catching himself feeling a little too familiarly comfortable.
Diluc seemed to contemplate his response for a few moments. “I shouldn’t have- your flask,” he said eloquently, at last. “I didn’t think-”
“No, you didn’t think,” Kaeya snapped, and then regretted it. He watched Diluc tense up, and Kaeya sighed, raking a hand through his wet hair. “I’m not proud of it,” he mumbled.
“I figured your nightmares would’ve been better by now,” Diluc said, and Kaeya squirmed.
What did you say to a near stranger who knew such intimate details about you? A near stranger who knew what you looked like when you cried? Who knew the taste of your tears? Kaeya had no idea. Tonight was the most they’d spoken since… Since Diluc left. That’s what Kaeya called it in his head, even if his burns told him differently.
“I never imagined they’d be worse.”
Kaeya bristled again, keeping his gaze firmly averted. “You should go back to bed,” he muttered.
“My sleeping bag is soaked, Kaeya, I’m not going back in there,” Diluc said flatly, and that was the end of that.
So they were stuck together out here, then. For some reason, Diluc wanted to sit with him. Guilt for tipping out his flask, most likely.
“Have you spoken to Jean?” Diluc asked eventually.
“Jean?” Kaeya asked. “Why would I speak to her?”
“She’s a healer, for one. Second, she knows everyone in Mondstadt. Further, even. Surely there’s someone who could help you, get you some medication that isn’t liquor, or something-”
“I don’t think so,” Kaeya muttered.
Diluc made a frustrated sound. “That is so like you. Never accepting help from me-”
“From you?” Kaeya sneered, and Diluc flinched slightly. “Why would I ever accept help from you?”
Diluc looked at him, and Kaeya looked back. Neither of them spoke. What could they say? It was clear they both wanted to speak, but couldn’t. If only one of them would break, but it would never be Diluc, and Kaeya would be damned if it was him.
After what felt like an age, Diluc made a sound of frustration. “You say that like I stopped caring about you.”
“Don’t make me laugh.”
“Kaeya-”
“You tried to kill me,” Kaeya snapped, and Diluc recoiled.
“I didn’t try to kill you,” he muttered. “I would never-”
“You tried to kill me.”
“Kaeya,” Diluc said firmly.
“Oh, don’t Kaeya me, I have the scars to prove it,” Kaeya snapped, subconsciously inching away from him. This conversation was too much. This whole night was too much.
Kaeya was good at not revisiting the past. He had it all neatly wrapped up in a nice little box, and he didn’t need Diluc coming in and fucking it all up.
“I wasn’t trying to kill you,” Diluc pressed, gentler.
“Maybe you should’ve,” Kaeya muttered.
For a moment, he could hope that Diluc hadn’t heard him.
“Why would you say something like that?” Diluc asked, an edge to his tone.
“Why are you doing this?” Kaeya asked desperately. “Why are you sitting here talking to me and pretending like you give a damn? Just stop. We’re fine. We act like the other doesn’t exist and we never knew each other, and that works out just fine. You don’t need to do this.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that I’m not pretending?” Diluc said with a frustrated huff.
“If I could see another explanation,” Kaeya bit back.
Diluc let out a heavy sigh, leaning away from him. “Fine. Have it your way. I can see your animosity towards me is too strong. I shall refrain from attempting to speak with you again.”
Kaeya exhaled, not looking at him. It came as a relief as much as it did a frustration. He wanted Diluc to speak to him as much as he wanted him to ignore him for the rest of his life.
They sat in silence for a couple of long minutes, Kaeya still catching himself as the thunder rumbled, though it was growing more distant.
“Do you really believe that you didn’t try to kill me?” Kaeya asked eventually, unable to help himself. He couldn’t get the incredulousness in Diluc’s voice out of his head.
“Do you really believe that I did?” Diluc replied gently.
Kaeya turned to look at him, and he could tell from Diluc’s expression that he didn’t need to voice his answer.
“Will you let me see?”
“No,” Kaeya bristled.
“Please, Kae,” he murmured. “Let me see.”
Reluctantly, Kaeya untucked his shirt from his pants and lifted it slightly, shuddering in the cold air. Diluc moved in closer, inhaling sharply as he looked over the array of burn marks, still prominent over Kaeya’s abdomen after all this time.
“Shit, Kae,” he whispered, reaching out to brush his fingertips along the marred skin, and Kaeya struggled to repress a small sound at the touch. “I did this?”
“What, like you don’t remember?” Kaeya mumbled.
“Not all that well,” Diluc admitted. “I was so- overcome with emotion. I… I barely remember it.”
“Must be nice,” Kaeya said softly, pulling his shirt back down.
“Kaeya…” Diluc said, fumbling for words. “Kaeya- you have to understand, I-”
“I do understand, Luc,” Kaeya said softly, and Diluc stopped short.
“What?”
“I do understand,” he repeated. “I was never angry at you. I’d let you do it again. I’d let you do worse.”
“Don’t you dare say that,” Diluc said fiercely. “Don’t you dare.”
“But it’s true,” Kaeya said helplessly. “I know I deserved it-”
“You didn’t,” Diluc cut him off.
“What?”
“You didn’t deserve that. God, Kaeya, you never deserved that. I was- I was angry, I was hurting. I- shit, Kae, you were everything to me, and you were all I had left, and I thought-”
“I betrayed you,” Kaeya mumbled ashamedly, looking down at his lap.
He flinched when Diluc grabbed his arm. “But you didn’t. These past four years- you’ve never done anything to hurt anyone. I thought- I thought you must hate me for what I’d done to you. To us. To- to everything. Hurting you like that, casting you out, and then leaving. That’s why you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Kaeya stared at him for a long few moments, lips slightly parted, at a loss for what to possibly say. He’d really gone and fucked that nice little box up now.
“I- what?” Kaeya asked in bewilderment. “But you- hate- you’re supposed to hate me because of what I did, because of who I am- that’s why you don’t speak to me. Because- Because you hate me. You see me for what I am and you hate me.”
“Kaeya,” Diluc said, ever so gently, like talking to a wounded child. “Kaeya, no.”
“What do you mean no?” Kaeya whispered, entire world shattering around him.
Diluc studied his face for a few moments, and Kaeya had never felt more naked. Then, Diluc did the last thing that Kaeya would have ever expected, and put his arms around him, pulling him in close.
Kaeya let out a choked sound, practically collapsing into his arms, sopping wet sleeping bags pressing into their skin and soaking their clothes further. Diluc didn’t let go, and Kaeya didn’t pull back. He wasn’t going to cry. He was not going to fucking cry.
“Don’t you ever say you’d be better off dead,” Diluc whispered, holding him tighter. “I’ve spent these years wishing I knew of a way to get you to forgive me for hurting you like that, abandoning you and lashing out when I should’ve stood by you.”
Kaeya made another muffled sound into him, desperately trying to keep himself together.
“You are not a monster, Kae,” Diluc murmured, slipping a hand into his hair and cradling his head, just like he’d used to do when they were young.
Fuck. Kaeya squeezed his eyes closed, burying his face in Diluc’s shoulder. Fuck. Fucking fuck.
“I’m sorry,” Kaeya said weakly.
“I’m sorry too,” Diluc mumbled back.
“So what now?” Kaeya asked with a watery laugh as he pulled back eventually. “Neither of us have a dry sleeping bag, and it’s fuck o’ clock in the morning.”
Diluc laughed softly with him. “Well,” he said thoughtfully. “I suppose we wait for the sun to come up. And try to be on top form tomorrow.”
“You know,” Kaeya said. “Dawn Winery is pretty close, we could always-”
Diluc gave him a look. “Not close enough.”
Kaeya smiled a little. “You did get rid of my alcohol.”
“I’m not enabling your bad habits,” Diluc said sternly.
“It’s medicinal?” Kaeya tried.
“Not going to fly.”
“Worth a shot,” Kaeya sighed, still smiling slightly.
Bickering felt a hell of a lot better, now. Maybe there was more to talk about, maybe they’d get the balls to do so, but for now at least, sitting together felt nice. Bickering back and forth felt nice, unguarded in a way it hadn’t been since they were teens. The storm eased as the night went on, and Kaeya pretended not to be relieved.
In the morning, Lumine would wake, rested and glowing, and Kaeya and Diluc would pretend that they hadn’t been awake the whole night. For now though, it felt like a good trade off. At ease wasn’t something that Kaeya had felt around Diluc in a long time, but it felt a lot like coming home. It felt like someone had taken a pin to his side and let out all the extra air, and deflated, he could finally breathe again. This felt cautiously like optimism, and optimistically like hope. Felt like something they might have gotten up to as boys, sneaking out of the house in the night in the middle of a storm and hiding from Adelinde and Master Crepus until dawn.