Chapter Text
“Ash, what are you going to do now? You just threw the most powerful monsters into prison, destroyed Golzine’s reign over New York, and solved the Banana Fish incidents. Doesn’t that feel good? And you didn’t kill them but used the law to destroy them. I’m proud of you. They all got what they deserved. Justice was restored.”
Ash was sitting in the living room of Jessica’s house in L.A. and browsed through several newspapers about the trials he had just taken part in as a key witness. Thanks to their investigative work together with Jenkins and Charlie, Max and he had destroyed New York’s greatest crime network, including the child prostitution ring and the Banana Fish incidents. Those convictions of many influential leaders ruling in New York and the US had changed New York forever and had led to some reforms and a tremendous shift in power.
Max hoped that the city would change now after a cleansing of corruption had taken place, but Ash wasn’t so sure. The trials had been some weeks ago, but politics would never change. All politicians did was talk, not act. After a few weeks, the consequences and reforms supposed to be introduced were forgotten again. The song remained the same.
“What do you mean? Making a deal with the police was your idea. You suggested that I hand over all the info on Dino and the Banana Fish murder-suicides to get immunity from prosecution. Dad, you know I don’t believe in justice. I wanted to kill all those bastards for everything they’ve put me through. Slowly and painfully. Same with the people creating Banana Fish and drugging Griffin and Shorter. Prison is not nearly enough punishment. Neither is death. Both options don’t give me back my brother or my childhood, and it doesn’t erase my traumatic memories, either. And some of them don’t even get punished and just had to resign from their position because the public will never know about a drug called Banana Fish,” Ash said darkly. Then, he stopped browsing through the newspaper, shoved the glasses up his nose, and looked at Max, his eyes brightening again.
“But I’ll admit that seeing all of them get arrested was still a great feeling and spiritually healing. Thank you for all your help. Thanks to you, I didn’t end up in prison myself, and I’m free to go wherever I want.” Max just smiled at him.
“It’s what you deserve, kid. After everything you’ve experienced, you’ve earned a normal life and happiness.”
“You really think so? I’m not sure. After all I’ve done, getting away unpunished or scot-free feels like cheating. I have mixed feelings about that.”
“Ash, you were the one being wronged here. You’re the victim here. Or maybe that’s not true. You’re more of a survivor. No kid your age should ever go through such a hell as you did. You deserve to get away unpunished because the state or the law has completely abandoned you. And many other kids like you. You owe this state or the police nothing. Your freedom is the least they can give you to make up for it.”
Ash slowly nodded when he saw the honesty in Max’s eyes. He steadfastly believed what he had just told him.
“Maybe you’re right. The law has never helped me. It usually helps the culprits more than the victims, especially if the criminals have power and money. But people like you or Charlie convinced me that there are still good people out there. People who still have a great sense of justice and don’t look away if things get unpleasant. People who can’t be bought with money because they firmly believe in higher values like the truth or justice and risk their lives fighting for it. Thanks, dad.“
Max smiled at him, then looked into his eyes, turning serious again. “I’m glad you think so. But then, why did you do it? Surely not because I said so?”
“No, not entirely, at least. Shorter told me once that only because people did something horrible to me, it doesn’t justify me treating people the same way. That if I did, I would turn into the monster everyone saw in me.”
Ash hesitated for a moment before continuing, thinking about the two people who always saw the good in people and especially in him. He felt how a small smile dawned on his lips when picturing their smiles. He couldn’t protect Shorter anymore, but maybe he could still protect Eiji…
“And… and… Eiji would have believed in the law and justice and told me to try doing it the right way. He always told me I was kind and a good person, and I wanted to prove him right. If I had left a sea of bodies behind, I could never have looked Eiji in the eye again. Or you. Like Eiji, you still believe in justice and that the pen is mightier than the sword. Even after everything you were involved in.”
“I guess it’s a bit naive, but I still do believe in that. And that there are good people out there who believe in the same values I do. Like Charlie and Jenkins, Shunichi, Eiji, and you, too. I always believed you’d make the right decision.”
He gently put a hand on his shoulder to emphasize that statement.
“If I had killed them, I would have lost my humanity. And Eiji taught me that I’m better than that. He even told me he wished he could take my place. He didn’t want me to kill anymore. To use a gun. Neither would you. And I didn’t either. I killed because I had to. Or to get my revenge on Dino, at least. I have never enjoyed it. Not once. I hated who I’ve become. But most of all, I didn’t do it because if I chose violence, I would never see Eiji again. I’d end up in prison for life or get killed eventually. You showed me a way out of violence, how to be free. It was dangerous, risky and I nearly died, but it was worth it in the end. Now, I’m free for the first time in my life.” The first genuine smile dawned on his features because, saying it out loud, he realized that he was really free now and could go wherever he wanted. Even to Japan…
“I’m proud of you, Ash. You did the right thing. The only thing I regret is that you nearly paid with your life for it several times. If I had known it would get that dangerous, I wouldn’t have suggested to you to hand over all the information to the police and bring all those people involved with Dino’s reign over New York to justice. How did you even survive the last attack? I’m sorry I wasn’t any help.”
Ash held up a book. Islands in the Stream. Then, he smiled.
“Blanca. He left the book in my room and put a message to me inside. I’ll take care of the ones slipping through the cracks. I owe you.”
“What does that mean?” Max looked at him in bewilderment.
“Blanca was interested in how the Banana Fish trial would go and watched over me. He took care of the Corsican mafia and GOOSE, Dino’s worldwide network of offshore companies. He pointed to several snippets of newspaper articles from around the world on his phone. “Without Dino, the Corsican Foundation crumbled and fell apart anyway. The leaders all had tragic accidents after the trial. Blanca had kept an eye on them after the trial was over. I was the next target on their hit list. They wanted to tie up all loose ends, and I posed the biggest threat. So, they decided to take care of it. I knew they wouldn’t have shot me during the trial. Too much publicity, even if some parts of the trial hadn’t been open to the public. Yet, as soon as the trial was over and some weeks had passed, they tried to assassinate me. I was counting on it, but the last attempt was a close call.”
“So, where’s Blanca now?” Max asked curiously. “Still in NYC?”
“No, he probably went back to the Caribbean. Before he left, he left another book in my hideout as a farewell present—A Farewell to Arms.
“How fitting. It’s the perfect title for your new beginning.” Ash nodded.
“Unless he means to tell me to stay away from Eiji. A farewell to arms is ambiguous. It’s a farewell to arms, meaning weapons and crime, or a farewell to love, to the arms of someone embracing you and holding you close. Blanca probably wanted to tell me to be careful what to choose. He lost the love of his life and knows how painful it feels like. He didn’t want me to go through the same torment. I get that; I really do. He was the closest thing to a dad I had when I was younger. Before I met you, I mean. However, I can never forgive him for siding with Dino and telling me to return to the man who raped and abused me for years just to get power and money. It shows that he doesn’t know me at all.”
“I don’t know much about Blanca, and I can understand your anger. Even so, I still think he cared for you, even if he had a twisted way of showing that.”
“Yes. I agree. But I’ll never see him again anyway.”
Max’s features suddenly changed, and a stubborn look crossed his face before he firmly gripped his shoulders.
“Ash, you’re finally free. So, contact Eiji, you dumbass. What are you waiting for? You did all of this so you could see him again, right?” Ash avoided Max’s intense gaze boring into him by looking away.
“Yes, you’re right, but it’s been three years, dad. Eiji will hate me for making him suffer for such a long time. I didn’t think it would take three whole years to solve everything. And he probably moved on and found someone else, someone who deserves him more than I do. He probably forgot about me. And I don’t know how he’d react. He’ll probably not even talk to me after everything I’ve put him through. What if he hates me?”
“So, you’re scared of Eiji?” Max smirked at him, trying to cheer him up.
“I’m not scared of him!” Ash burst out angrily, losing his temper. Max gave him a knowing glance that clearly questioned his last statement. Ash stubbornly held his gaze, then looked away and sighed in frustration.
“I’m just afraid of his reaction. What if he doesn’t want to see me again? Or talk to me? I pretended to be dead for three years. How can he ever forgive me? I made him suffer for so long…” A single tear ran down Ash’s face. Max put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer.
“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage. What I want to say is: don’t give up before even trying. Eiji deserves better.”
“Yes, you’re right. But…” Max looked at him and grinned at him.
“You know, Eiji never believed you were dead. No one could convince him. I heard the doubt in his voice when I called him. Eiji was always good at reading people’s emotions. I don’t think he ever bought our lie. Shunichi and I both informed him of your death, me over the phone, and Shunichi in person. He stubbornly told us that you couldn’t be dead because he would have felt that in his soul. When Lao stabbed you, Eiji heard your voice calling out to him. He insisted you were soulmates, and he’d know instinctively if you had died. I think this last shred of hope was the last lifeline he desperately clung to.”
“That’s impossible! How could he have heard my voice? Although I thought of him at that moment,” he admitted reluctantly. “Because I realized I couldn’t say goodbye to him or reach him in time…”
“But that sounds like something Eiji would say.” Ash couldn’t help but smile. Eiji’s reasoning was as emotional and ridiculous as always. But that’s what he loved about him. When he had come to New York, he had heard many stories about him being a vicious monster, a cold-blooded killer, and a ruthless gang leader. Yet, Eiji had never been affected by those stories. He had stayed by his side, stubbornly refusing to listen to them. He had just told him that he knew him better and had seen sides of him that were invisible to others. That he knew his true self. And that they were soul mates and would always be connected even if they lived on different continents.
My soul is always with you.
“Eiji loves you. Maybe he’ll get mad at first, but he’ll forgive you. Contact him, Ash! Do you want to make him suffer even longer? It’s probably too late for Christmas now but invite him for New Year’s Eve, Ash. Call him, goddammit! Or since you're such a hopeless bookworm, write him a letter. And it’d better be a damn good one. Have you forgotten Eiji’s farewell letter? Send him a reply to that letter. Eiji would love that. And you could explain your reasoning to him in more detail.”
Ash nodded at Max. “I’ll contact him, I promise.”
“Good. I know you always keep your promises. I have to go now. I promised Michael that we’d do something together this afternoon.” Ash waved goodbye absentmindedly, already thinking about how he’d contact Eiji.
A letter, huh? That didn’t sound so bad. If he called him, his mind would flatline as soon as he heard his voice, and he’d forget what he wanted to say the most. He’d probably hang up in a panic or would be at a loss for words. In a letter, he could explain everything to him in detail and organize his thoughts, which was the better option for him. And he had some days to prepare emotionally for Eiji’s answer. So, Ash looked for pen and paper and made some notes about what he wanted to tell Eiji. Then, he began writing the letter.
Dear Eiji,
I hope you still recognize my crappy handwriting and that it won’t keep you from reading my letter. I understand that you’re probably mad at me or that you even hate me but please read my letter to the end, that’s all I’m asking.
As you have probably realized when seeing my handwriting, I faked my death, and I’m still alive. I hope you will forgive me for doing so because I just did it to keep you safe while I fought for my freedom. Until it was safe to return to your side. If you still want that after all the pain I’ve caused you…
My dad i nsisted that I call you, to tell you that I’m free. It sounded so easy when he said it. But for me, it wasn’t. If I heard your voice, I’d probably hang up in a panic. Or I’d forget what I wanted to tell you. When I was with you, my smart mind always evaporated into thin air, flatlining, so I’d probably forget all the things I wanted to say to you, that you needed to hear from me. I t ried to explain my reasoning a nd my motivation for my actions in more detail so that I could apologize to you in all sincerity, hoping that maybe, just maybe, you’d give me a chance to make it up to you. Hoping that you’d forgive me. Even if I don’t deserve it…
I’m really sorry that I faked my death and let you believe I was dead. I understand if you despise me now and never want to speak to me again. You suffered a lot and went through so much pain and suffering because of me. I can never undo that.
I’m still convinced that I don’t deserve someone like you. However, I want you to understand that everything I’ve done was only for you. To keep you safe, protect you by staying away from you. I can’t lose you, too, Eiji. I was seriously scared of losing you, of putting you in danger again. But maybe I’ve already lost you anyway because of my selfish actions.
Yet, even if you don’t want to see me, I at least managed to keep you safe, and you continued your life back in Japan, where it’s peaceful. That’s all I ever wished for. Even if you don’t give me another chance, I’d be happy as long as I know that I haven’t put your life in danger again and you can still make your dreams come true and become a photographer one day. That’s all I can ask for.
Your farewell letter made me realize my true feelings towards you. So, when I was stabbed and dying, my only regret was that I never told you how much you meant to me. That I’d miss you. The only good thing happening in my dark life was meeting you. And if I ever got another chance, however unlikely that might be, I’d tell you that and ask you to stay by my side. Not just for now but forever.
Please know that all my actions, my fight for freedom, had only one aim in mind I have been working towards - seeing you again. Still, I was tired of fighting and living in hiding, in hideouts and abandoned buildings. I wanted to offer you more than that. If I wanted to see you again, I wanted to be free. Which also meant b eing free from prosecution by the police. Free of the Corsican foundation, Dino’s mafia, and of the people who raped me all my life. I also did it for us. I knew that seeing those people behind bars would give me closure. My trauma wouldn’t disappear when witnessing that, but it would be a start.
So, I made a deal with the police and other federal agencies. I handed over all the info on Dino I possessed and showed them all the hidden safes, rooms, and other places where Dino kept all the essential information about his child prostitution ring, the mafia, and the Banana Fish incidents. That’s the short version.
In return, I received a deal that I wouldn’t be charged for any past crimes and all the crimes coming to light during the trial. Immunity from prosecution. It was dangerous, and the Corsican Foundation, as well as some influential people, tried to kill me several times. But I survived thanks to my skills and Blanca. He had watched over me. At the end, he left me a book. A Farewell to Arms. The perfect headline for my new life, don't you think? It was Blanca’s way of telling me to start a new life. Or to think carefully about my choices.
There wasn’t a day that I haven't thought of you, and I only managed to gain the strength to fight until the end because you gave me hope and told me I deserve a better life. You always wanted me to stop fighting and killing, so I tried to do it the legal way this time.
I don’t believe in justice or the law. But I know you believe in it, and so does Max. He showed me that good people still exist who believe in justice and can’t be bought off. Like Charlie and Jenkins. And Max, too, of course. I’d have never achieved my freedom without his help.
So, the next time I’d contact you, I wanted to tell you what you wanted to hear. That I’m free and would like to see you again. You s aid to me once you’d be waiting for me. Forever. I can only hope you still feel that way because I need you, Eiji. What would I do without you? The world has always been brighter, warmer, and more colorful with you in it.
I didn’t know it would take three years to settle everything. My brilliant mind miscalculated how long the process of achieving the desired outcome would take. How long it would take to be free. Some genius I am…
I desperately wanted to contact you, to tell you I’m alive. Over the years, I wrote you countless letters, yet, I never dared to send them to you out of fear to endanger your life.
Even if you won’t forgive me, even if you despise me, even if you can’t imagine a life with me in it anymore or don’t remember your promise to show me Japan, I still want to hear your voice or see your face one last time. You were the only good thing in my life, the only flickering light of hope. You taught me that merely existing wasn’t enough. Before I met you, I didn’t even know the difference between existing and living.
You showed me the difference each day with your presence alone. Your smile lit up my life, and your touch pulled me out of the darkness and hopelessness. You’ve never feared me and immediately cracked the impenetrable shield that protected my broken self, my shattered soul, and my wounded heart. You saw directly into the depth of my soul. It scared me at first that you saw a vulnerable side of me that I kept secret, that wasn’t visible to anyone else but you. You’re one of those people you only meet once in your life, and who knows you better than you know yourself. Maybe that’s what you meant when you said we were soulmates?
While spending time by your side, I learned to see beauty in the world again, to look at the world through your eyes, and enjoy little things I’ve never even noticed. Your happiness and warmth we re contagious and melted my heart over time. With you, I felt like a teenager and learned to feel again, to laugh when I was happy, to cry when I was sad, to scream when I was furious, to break down and show weakness when my nightmares returned.
You never judged me or looked down on me if you saw my vulnerable side. You were always there, comforting me, always finding the right words that soothed me and accepted all my flaws and the real me, the hurt and broken little boy. The side of me that I didn’t dare to reveal to anyone else. You always made me feel safe and comfortable, so I slowly opened up to you. You took away my loneliness and were always by my side without asking for anything in return. You laughed and cried with me, screamed at me and fought with me, teased and bickered with me. You saved me in so many different ways, and I’m eternally grateful that I had the chance to meet you.
You always asked me about my dreams, but I’ve never had an answer for you.
I’ve never dared to dream because I’ve always realized that my life wouldn’t have a future, that I’d die young while fighting for my revenge.
If you’d ask me that again now that we’ve been separated, I’d tell you that my biggest wish is to see you again, to look into your warm eyes, see that soft look you always gave me, hear your cheerful voice full of hope, longing for a future together like when you promised me to show me Japan one day.
I’d love to see your nasty smirk when you tease me, the way you scratch your cheek if you’re nervous. I want to get a good look at your dark brown hair again as some strands are falling into your face and see your happy smile that reaches your eyes and makes them sparkle in a golden brown color. I’d even take your furious glare, the way you put your hands on your hips when you’re mad at me. For you, I’d even eat your disgusting natto and stinky fish every day if it meant I could stay with you again.
Max said that you would understand my motives and would forgive me. I wonder if that’s true. How could you ever forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself for causing you so much pain? When I reread your farewell letter for the millionth time, I wanted to believe that he was right. I’m desperately clinging to that hope while writing this letter. You told me your soul was always with me. That was probably the most beautiful thing someone has ever told me, and I really hope you still feel that way.
So, if this letter reaches you and you’ve read it to the end, please give me an answer. To be honest, I’m scared of your r esponse . However, I can’t imagine a life without you. I don’t believe in soulmates or fate a s you do. Even so, I t hink that the bond we had was special. And still is. We complete each other. When I was with you, your warmth filled me right up and healed my broken self.
For the first time in my life, I felt complete, as if I’ve always searched for a missing part of myself until I found it in you, and it all perfectly fit together. We were a perfect match and balanced each other out. We’re complete opposites, are from different countries, cultures, and backgrounds. While you always act emotional, I always act rational, but from the first time I laid eyes on you, I’ve felt a special connection towards you.
I was drawn towards you, blinded by the bright light surrounding you, but I couldn’t look away, hypnotized by your presence but also afraid you’d disappear again if I looked away. That you were just a figment of my imagination. So, for the first time in my life, my hand reached out to hold yours, swearing never to let go again. We did let go of each other’s hands in the end, yet our bond always remained even across oceans. The next time you reach out your hand to me, I’ll grasp it and will never let go again, I promise.
I hope you’ll give me an answer to the most embarrassing letter I’ve ever written. Still, you’re always worth it. At the moment, I live with Max and Jessica. They’re both getting on my nerves d aily, but that probably means that they’re good parents to me. And Michael is a dorable . He is t hrilled I’m staying here, and I hope I can become the amazing big brother for him that Griffin was to me.
Michael’s love for Christmas makes me wonder if miracles do exist and if my wish for the new year will come true. Maybe, if my wish comes true and I’ll see you again, I’ll start believing in such things. A new year is a great time to start over, don’t you think so, too ? So, I guess this is the opposite of your farewell letter. It’s a reunion letter. Or maybe it’s a reply to your farewell letter.
I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year .
Even if we won’t see each other again, you’ll always be in my thoughts. Forever.
Ash