Chapter Text
I have always disliked introductions. I have always said that introductions to classic texts such as these serve only one purpose. They ruin the story you are about to read.
I have always maintained that if an introduction is going to discuss the plot, then said discussion should come in the form of an afterward or appendix, but no. Your typical academic has to shove the introduction into the few pages at the front of the text, just for the purpose of proving that they have actually read the massive tome, though in actual fact, they have more often than not merely read an overview of the novel.
This particular introduction will not do this, though I have of course read the book. You can role your eyes if you wish. I have read it, honestly.
First, I should probably give you a few words on the author, without giving away any spoilers, of course.
Mr Willy Wonka is almost unknown outside academic circles these days, though everyone is aware that he was the most profitable and celebrated chocolateer of the twentieth century, gaining more fame and recognission than Mr Cadberry, Mr Scharffen Burger and even Mr Kipling himself. Sadly though, even the brightests stars burn out one day, and after that rather unsavoury and well publicised string of child murders in his chocolate factory, Willy Wonka’s fame began to dwindle, and by the dawn of the twenty first century, he had become a forgotten man. Indeed, two decades after the year 2000 broke over the globe, Willy Wonka had fallen into total obscurity, chocolate sails plummeting like a rather unpleasantly shaped brick falling through a brittle glass window. And that is putting it mildly.
I myself hadn’t heard of the name or the many superlatives that had been heaped upon Mr Wonka’s character until that fateful day in my local college library, when I wandered aimlessly into the shelf lined building, looking for somewhere comfortable to lay down my weary head for a minute or two.
While strolling through the shelves, hand shoved carelessly into my pockets, I eventually happened upon a nice quiet corner where I could hopefully catch a few minutes of shut eye without anyone coming over to try and engage me in conversation.
I took my place at a round wooden table, one of those tables that can seat only a few people but often ends up seating an entire group of would be college scollers, and the first thing I noticed was a heavy hard backed novel resting upon the desk.
I pulled the book towards me, intending to use the massive volume as a make shift pillow of sorts, but I paused for thought upon noticing the title, embossed across the front in gold lettering.
‘Upstart Crow: An Autobiography of Willy Wonka.’
Now, that was interesting. Not interesting in the way that popular science is interesting, but interesting in the way that the Tudors are interesting.
Intrigued beyond measure, an unusual emotion for someone such as me, I gave up on sleep in favour of reading this large volume. I had no idea who this Willy Wonka bloke was, but as I cracked open the ancient textbook, I had the sense that I was standing upon the threshold of a discovery of almost epic proporsions.
After flipping through the first few pages, I decided upon the instant that this book had to be reprinted. One could not do anything else with such a masterpiece of autobiographical prose. The fact that this Wonka bloke had been dead for years, and the fact that all royalties would thus be given to me didn’t even cross my mind as I picked up the book and left the dimly lit library without stopping to check the book out at the desk.
And so, here it is, ‘Upstart Crow,’ by Willy Wonka. Apart from this rather long introduction, I have changed nothing. The words have been left as the rather odd man wrote them. Here is the harrowing yet ultimately triumphant tale about a person who… ah, damn. I said I wasn’t going to give the plot away. It’s so easy to do. But Please do not worry. I won’t. I will be off now. Feel free to read at your leasure and if you at any point grow angry, upset, worried or otherwise emotionally involved, do not be troubled. I experienced all of these emotions, and some other less coherent ones while reading this book.
Enjoy.
Murron Cain: Alumni of a university of little importance.