Chapter Text
In the age of gods and monsters, the righteous and evil had long been in conflict. The Demon Sect had suppressed the Guili Alliance for many years, leading a reign of terror over Teyvat. The major powers of the martial world agonized over a solution to no avail, and were nearly on the verge of collapse.
Guizhong, head of the Guili Alliance, unfolded the slip of paper sent by her spy in the Demon Sect with an unusual solemnity.
“The Demon Sect Leader has died,” she announced.
A low murmur traveled through the room where the senior members of the Guili Alliance were gathered. The note reported that the new Sect Leader was the adoptive son of the previous, known by the name Tartaglia. He was a formidable warrior, having mastered a variety of weapons, but he had one fatal flaw.
He was in unrequited love with Teyvat’s greatest spearman, Zhongli.
The note detailed that the spy glimpsed a portrait of Zhongli inside Tartaglia’s room. It was rumored that Tartaglia had drawn it himself, and hung it above his bed with the goal of one day besting Zhongli in a duel. Enlightened, the spy urgently passed a message to the Guili Alliance — the current Demon Sect Leader has been in unrequited love with Zhongli for years. With this knowledge, it was a simple matter to save the Guili Alliance.
An awkward silence filled the room.
“I definitely can see why Tartaglia fell for Zhongli, though,” a young woman in purple robes muttered.
“Lady Keqing!” her attendant whispered in horror.
Zhongli was, to phrase it simply, Very Hot. His handsome features in combination with his courteous demeanor and unmatchable combat abilities had his name known all across Teyvat.
“Though it is shameful to require Zhongli’s assistance in such a matter, I see no other way to save the Guili Alliance,” Ningguang, the finance minister of the Guili Alliance, sighed.
“I will send an invitation to Zhongli to explain the situation,” Guizhong replied.
Thus, when Zhongli arrived at the hall of the Guili Alliance, he found himself surrounded by the major powers of the martial world on their knees.
“Zhongli, we beg you to undertake a mission to save Teyvat,” Guizhong said tearfully.
“Guizhong,” Zhongli said, flabbergasted.
“The Guili Alliance needs you to seduce the Demon Sect Leader.”
…
Seduce?
The Demon Sect Leader?
Had he heard wrong?
Guizhong lowered her head, covering her face as her shoulders shook. Keqing passed her a handkerchief. With the entire Alliance including Guizhong kneeling, there was no way for Zhongli to refuse. As soon as he had agreed, Guizhong lifted her head with a smirk. Her face was dry.
“Thank you for your sacrifice,” Guizhong said seriously, her tone contrasting her playful punch in Zhongli’s arm.
Ah.
Zhongli had been deceived.
“We have already asked a special guest to train you in the best methods of seduction,” Guizhong informed him.
Ying’er beckoned Zhongli closer with a delicate finger. “Zhongli-xiansheng, don’t be nervous. I’m the best in my field of work, you know.”
“Thank you for taking the time to teach me,” Zhongli said respectfully.
“No need for thanks,” Ying’er laughed delicately. “I’m getting paid quite handsomely for this anyway.”
“I see,” Zhongli nodded seriously. Of course, mora was an important part of daily life. Zhongli himself often found himself in a bind due to his forgetfulness towards his own finances.
“My first lesson is that people are easily swayed with sweet words and vows of love,” Ying’er spoke softly. “For example, calling them your beloved, or baby.”
“I see.”
People could be quite complex. Zhongli would never have known that calling someone a newborn was considered romantic.
“With your good looks, a few words of endearment paired with a smile would be enough to make anyone’s heart flutter.”
“I see.”
Ying’er stared at Zhongli, unsure if he had really absorbed any of what she was teaching with his monotonous responses.
“How about you give it a try, Zhongli-xiansheng,” Ying’er encouraged. Zhongli stood awhile in thought, before turning to face Ying’er’s expectant smile.
“It is good to see you, infant,” Zhongli spoke, forcing up the corners of his mouth stiffly.
“...”
“...”
Ying’er coughed uncomfortably.
“Ah, that… um, please try another line, Zhongli-xiansheng. That sounded… a little threatening.”
“Ah, my apologies,” Zhongli said, a little perplexed. He was quite sure he fulfilled all of the requirements. “What would be another desirable topic?”
“Try to compliment them on their looks. Like their hair, or their clothes,” Ying’er advised. “Don’t forget to make eye contact~”
Zhongli closed his eyes.
“What are you doing?” Ying’er asked curiously.
“Preparing,” Zhongli replied calmly.
“Preparing…?”
Her question was answered a moment later when Zhongli opened his eyes. Immediately, he glared at Ying’er, making unflinching eye contact. Ying’er jolted, feeling suddenly as though she were being stared down by a tiger. The temperature in the room dropped with the oppressive atmosphere.
“Your hair resembles the same shade of brown as the sediment of the earth, remains of plants and animals from a time long before even your grandparents were born, ” Zhongli said. He remained staring intensely at Ying’er.
Ying’er broke eye contact first, turning to delicately dab her forehead with a silk handkerchief. She honestly didn’t know how to respond to such an unflattering statement. Eye contact did not mean a staring contest! Of all the people that she had encountered through her line of business, she had never met such a disaster in the art of seduction.
“It’s as if I am attempting to impart my advice to a stone,” she marveled. At her words, Zhongli’s expression brightened. The pressure in the room dissipated at once.
“Thank you for your kind words, Miss Ying’er,” Zhongli said. “The memories of stones are impressive indeed. Particular ores are able to recall centuries of history, recording events that may have occurred around them. Though the scenery around stones change often with time, stones remain for longer in the wear of time. I have heard that iron ores are less proficient at holding memories, while fine cor lapis is able to retain impressive stretches of history. Truly a fascinating occurrence.”
As he spoke, Zhongli unconsciously smiled. The gentle, genuine smile softened his features as his mellifluous voice soothed Ying’er’s heart.
Ying’er, unflappable in the face of even the most flirtatious advances, suddenly felt her cheeks warm.
“There’s nothing else I can teach Zhongli-xiansheng,” Ying’er announced to the Guili Alliance at the end of the day.
Ningguang raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t have expected him to be well-versed in such an area.”
“Oh, no, he’s quite horrible at it,” Ying’er giggled. “He managed to make my heart skip a beat.”
A question mark formed over the heads of the Guili Alliance as Ying’er gracefully left the building. How could someone be both horrible at seduction, and still make your heart skip a beat??
Guizhong covered her smile with her sleeve.
Xingqiu lay sprawled over his desk in the sun, a book over his face. The door slammed open.
“Xingqiu! We have an important task for you,” Guizhong glided into the room.
“My liege!” Xingqiu flailed in his seat. “How may I be of service?”
“Xingqiu, how do you feel about writing a collection of the most romantic one-liners in all of Teyvat?”
Xingqiu’s shit-eating grin slowly grew to match Guizhong’s own.
“Lady Guizhong, I would be honored.”