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ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND OAR
ACT ONE
EXT. THE DECK OF THE REVENGE - DAY.
ED is teaching STEDE how to tie knots, both leaning up against the mast near the front of the ship. The rest of the crew is sort of milling around on deck, pretending to work. LUCIUS isn’t even pretending to work, he’s just watching.
ED
(demonstrating)
So the rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the reef, and then goes back into the hole. Then you pull it tight. You go.
He passes the rope to STEDE.
FRENCHIE
Don’t think rabbits can swim, if anyone’s interested.
BLACK PETE
Wish something was interesting. Twenty days at sea, nothin’ to look at, at all. Not even a mermaid or anything.
FANG
I don’t think mermaids are real.
BLACK PETE
If Blackbeard was our captain they would be.
LUCIUS
Babe, he still is.
BLACK PETE
Hardly. He’s kinda whipped.
LUCIUS
You take that back.
BLACK PETE
I won’t.
ED
Shut up, we’re trying to focus!
STEDE is trying to tie the knot and immensely fucking it up. ED reaches over to help him. They’re both holding the knot, leaning into one another.
ED
No. Like this. The rabbit comes out of the hole…
LUCIUS looks into the camera.
LUCIUS
Seriously?
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LUCIUS - DAY.
LUCIUS
Look, I know my way around slow-burn romances. I’ve been in some of my own before, but this is ridiculous. Never have I ever been so close to two people so utterly unaware of what they’re doing to each other. I’m going to die. Then I’m going to scream. Probably in that order.
EXT. SHIP’S DECK - DAY.
ED and STEDE are still trying to tie knots. STEDE is still very bad at it. BUTTONS leaps down from somewhere above them on the mast, OLIVIA the seagull fluttering away as he does.
BUTTONS
Captain?
ED & STEDE
Yes?
BUTTONS
That’s an island, maybe.
He points out towards the sea. It is an island. Technically. It’s mostly buildings. There’s a big metallic sign shining in the front of it that reads ‘Isla del Amor’. The place mostly looks like shit.
FRENCHIE
No way.
ROACH
I thought it wasn’t real.
WEE JOHN
Is this a dream? I’m not dreaming this.
IVAN hits him.
IVAN
No. You’re not dreaming this.
WEE JOHN
(wounded)
Ow.
Back to ED & STEDE.
STEDE
What’s the -
He squints at the sign.
Isla del Amor?
ED gestures, expansively. It looks a bit like he’s trying to push a telescope through a steering wheel. He gives up and points at the sign again. Crudely on top, made of metal, is a sculpture of several people fucking.
STEDE
(faintly)
Oh.
OPENING CREDITS
On the deck around STEDE and ED, loose coils of rope form the tiles “Our Flag Means Death.” Several rose petals flutter by.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH ED - DAY.
ED
I’ve been to Isla del Amor countless times. It’s a paradise of delights and absolutely rampant buggery. Fucking, being fucked, that thing with the papaya - done it all. This time… I’m just going to take it easy, man. Not feeling the vibe. You know.
He shifts a little awkwardly in his chair.
EXT. ISLA DEL AMOR DOCKS - DAY.
The crew of the Revenge dash off the ship, wandering off into the wilds of the Isla Del Amor. JIM and OLUWANDE walk off towards the beach, and STEDE and ED are left alone.
Though, not for that long.
ED
So, what do you… want to. Do here?
STEDE
I was just going to explore… - the place. And look at - things. You understand. It’s a new island. Full of… excitement.
ED
Yeah, I was just. Going to do that. Too.
STEDE
You’ve never been here before either?
ED
Well, I-
They’re approached by the proprietor of Isla Del Amor, a JAMIESON DANIELS (played by Matt Berry), who’s well-dressed, wearing ludicrous boots, and a giant moustache.
JAMIESON DANIELS
Fellas. I did notice that you stepped off your little boat there and didn’t immediately go rushing off to try our attractions. Would you like some recommendations - I know all the best whores-
He squints at STEDE.
Good god above, is that my Stede Bonnet under all that teal? I never thought I’d see you step foot on my little corner of the sea.
STEDE
(beaming)
Jamieson Daniels. I thought you were dead!
The two men embrace. ED looks on, bemused and a little horrified.
EXT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH STEDE - DAY
Stede is sitting in front of a palm tree. He’s holding a half coconut with a reed straw sticking out of it. Periodically he takes sips from the ‘straw’.
Throughout this conversation he’s very evasive. The entire time.
STEDE
Jamieson and I… worked together. For a time. When I was younger. And when he was younger. We were close. We worked. Well. Together. As colleagues.
He disappeared and the… whole town… mourned him for weeks.
I didn’t quite expect him to show up here. Or anywhere. I thought he was dead.
This place, though. I’d rather be on the beach than… whatever this all is.
Does anyone else think that too?
EXT. THE BEACH OF ISLA DEL AMOR - DAY.
JIM is walking down the beach, kicking sand out of the way with their boots. OLUWANDE follows, stumbling a little bit over the holes that JIM is making.
OLUWANDE
Is this a ‘genuinely annoyed at something’ walk or are you just feeling the vibe?
JIM doesn’t answer.
Isla del Amor isn’t all that bad, really. There’s good food and sometimes even no rats in it.
JIM kicks the sand a little, huffing.
OLUWANDE
Seriously. What’s going on?
JIM
Jamieson Daniels stole my boat, my money, and killed my cat. I hate it here.
EXT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH OLUWANDE - DAY.
OLUWANDE
Look, we’re pirates. We steal everything. I’ve stolen several boats from people who deserved it.
Killing a cat, though?
Harsh.
Even if the cat was a bit of an asshole.
EXT. ISLA DEL AMOR BEACH - DAY.
JIM and OLUWANDE are now sitting on a log.
OLUWANDE
So you don’t like him then.
JIM
I will take away everything he’s ever loved and end his life.
OLUWANDE
So you really don’t like him then.
Do you want my help with that?
EXT. ISLA DEL AMOR MARKET - DAY.
JAMIESON DANIELS is leading STEDE and ED through the crowd and pointing things out to them. They stop in the middle of the market.
JAMIESON
Stella’s - in there, she’s a darling, her girls love doing two at once, that’ll be your thing, right? Cause you’re…
He gestures in a way that obviously means “fucking”.
-yeah?
STEDE
I mean- we’re not-
ED
Yeah, it’s not. Like that.
The two very obviously wish it was ‘like that’.
JAMIESON
Okay. Sounds good, fellas. If it’s not like that then, Blackbeard - yes, I know who you are - you won’t have a problem with me taking Stede to dinner then now, will you?
ED clearly hates the idea, but he’s got nothing to say in his defense.
ED
(pained)
Yeah. I don’t own him. Go for it. I’ll find something- else. To do. Tonight.
STEDE
(equally as pained)
Good idea. You do that.
He smiles. It’s very clearly forced.
Go and explore the wonders of the island! Enjoy yourself!!
ED
I will.
JAMIESON
Fantastic. But first, let’s get pissed.
EXT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH JAMIESON - DAY
JAMIESON
Look, I’ve never seen anyone pine for each other more… ever, really, and I live on an island where all people do is bang each other - in a variety of interesting and exciting positions. Life’s too short, though. No time to waste for people trying to figure themselves out. I have no time for self-reflection, I could be assassinated at any moment. I’m a wanted man, you know. Sexually.
And also for many crimes.
ACT TWO
EXT. THE JUNGLE - DAY.
JIM and OLUWANDE are tramping through the forest, looking determined.
OLUWANDE
You don’t have to tell me, but how… exactly, did this Jamieson guy wrong you so badly?
JIM
You’re right, I don’t have to tell you.
They keep on walking together for a moment, trudging through the forest.
EXT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH JIM - DAY.
JIM
I came to Isla del Amor once before. I found a cat.
Cats don’t judge you. They don’t care about anything except getting themselves fed, patted and finding somewhere warm to sleep. No need for attachment.
This scrappy ginger thing decided to hang around with me. She wouldn’t leave me alone, so she just… became mine.
And then Jamieson killed her while he was trying to rob me.
So he deserves to die.
They roll up their pant leg, showing a tattoo of a ginger cat.
That’s my cat there.
INT. THE CAT’S MEOW BAR AND GRILL - DAY.
STEDE and JAMIESON are sitting at one of the tables surrounded by a series of pretty waiters and waitresses dressed in very little barring giant cat masks who are serving them drinks. ED is sitting between them, actively being ignored, but visibly getting more and more agitated.
JAMIESON
And then I said, “If you’re rogering me, where’s Roger?” Ahahahahaha.
He laughs, expansively. STEDE kinda joins in, ED doesn’t.
STEDE
That was a really good story, Jamieson. Did you-
A waiter places a whole bunch of cocktails down on the table.
WAITER
(muffled)
Your drinks, sir?
JAMIESON
Speak up, boy. Projection, dammit.
WAITER
(too loudly)
Your drinks! Sir!
The rest of the bar falls silent for a second.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH THE WAITER - DAY.
The waiter is still wearing his mask. He speaks inaudibly for 30 seconds, gesturing expansively. What an important scene that definitely contributes to the plot.
INT. THE CAT’S MEOW - DAY.
JAMIESON pushes one of the cocktails across to STEDE.
JAMIESON
Try this. It’ll put some hairs on your chest, eh. Eh?
STEDE tries it. He gags.
STEDE
What on earth is this?
JAMIESON
It’s called a Purr. I came up with it myself.
STEDE
It’s… a lot.
He pushes one of the spare glasses to ED.
You might… like it, though? You like sweet things.
JAMIESON yanks the glass away before ED can try it.
JAMIESON
I know it’s a lot. That’s the point.
He knocks one back.
Darling, this bar might be called the Cat’s Meow, but there’s more than just pussy in here.
ED stands, abruptly.
ED
I’m leaving.
JAMIESON
(sarcastically)
Oh no. How sad. We’ll absolutely miss you so much, won’t we, Stede?
He knocks STEDE’s arm.
STEDE
Ed, you don’t have to go.
He shuffles over.
See, I’ve shuffled over, you’ve got more space now. And look at all these wonderful cocktails! We can share.
ED looks back at him, gaze heavy.
ED
You seem to be having a good enough time here yourself, mate.
He leaves, STEDE still staring after him.
JAMIESON
Oh well, more for us!
He drains another cocktail.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH JAMIESON - DAY.
JAMIESON
Stede and I used to work together, in the sense that we played ‘hide the sword’ often. By that I mean we fucked.
Never really liked him all that much, but he was jolly good at it. I’d like the chance to ‘ride that horse’ again.
By that I mean fuck him. I want to fuck him.
INT. THE CAT’S MEOW - DAY.
STEDE is still moodily staring out to where ED left the bar.
JAMIESON
You know that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right?
STEDE
I’m not getting over anyone.
JAMIESON
Mhmm.
He pushes another cocktail and a plate of phallic-shaped tapas in STEDE’s direction.
I definitely believe you. Focus on those, why don’t you?
EXT. THE ISLA DEL AMOR MARKET - DAY.
ED moodily stomps through the market, swearing under his breath, pushing his way past prostitutes, campfires and shelves full of shoddily carved wooden dildos. He spots another bar, this one just called The Bar, and goes inside to get himself a drink.
INT. “THE BAR” BAR - DAY.
Inside The Bar bar everything is dimly lit in a way that obscures the very significant amount of nudity and general thrusting that is going on within. It’s a fantastic filmic technique, come to think of it. ED slumps down at the bar of The Bar, ignoring the couple fucking only about a metre away from his face.
No-one comes to serve him.
He waits.
And waits a little longer.
ED
Any way a pirate could get a drink in this place?
Cheering comes forth from the dark. We can’t really see anything, there’s just a bunch of… fumbling.
FRENCHIE
Ayyy, it’s the Captain.
THE SWEDE
One of the Captains.
BLACK PETE
I could suck you off? If you wanted? Cause you’re all sad or whatever?
ED
I’m… good.
WEE JOHN
Just grab yourself a drink, there’s no service in this place.
ED, shrugging, leans across the bar and across the couple shagging and withdraws a bottle of rum from beneath the bartop. He elbows them and someone squeals.
ED
Sorry. I’m sorry. You’re just… hard to avoid.
GUY 1
Gotta be more careful with your limbs next time, bro.
GUY 2
You can put your limbs closer to me, though, bro.
ED
I’m actually fine.
He pulls the cork out with his teeth and drinks the rum straight. Judging by the look on his face, it’s something closer to dishwater than rum, but he keeps on drinking it.
ED
Anyone know anything about Jamieson Daniels?
GUY 1
Legend.
GUY 2
Prick.
GUY 1
Hey.
GUY 2
Just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean I can’t disagree with you.
GUY 1
I mean, yeah, but fundamentally, what is your issue with Jamieson Daniels? I think he’s a philanthropist…
The couple disentangle themselves, and start arguing. ED pushes past them, avoiding their flailing limbs.
ED
Anyone know anything important about Jamieson Daniels? That I could maybe use… at a later date for… uh. No reason.
LUCIUS
I heard that he’s got a cock the size of an eggplant.
WEE JOHN
I heard that he’s actually secretly part merman.
FRENCHIE
Yeah well I heard that he’s just an ordinary guy with a name that’s oddly similar to two brands of alcohol.
Little pause.
LUCIUS
What are you talking about. Stop making stuff up.
FRENCHIE
I’m not, it’s-
From the shadows-
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
I heard that he stole from thousands to make this place. I heard he sank many ships. I heard… he killed a cat.
LUCIUS
(gasps)
No!
FRENCHIE
I like cats. Did he really?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Yeah.
LUCIUS
No!
ED is intrigued. He squints through the dark.
ED
What more do you know about him, Mysterious Stranger?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Meet me in the shack behind the Love Shack at dusk and I’ll tell you all…
The Stranger melts away into the darkness. ED tries to follow him, but he can’t get past all the people fucking.
ED
Well, that was unhelpful and ultimately pointless.
BLACK PETE
Not all of us have mysterious strangers to meet at night, you’ve got that at least.
…I can still suck you off? If you want?
ED
I’m still fine, actually.
LUCIUS
Your loss.
All of the men dissolve into laughter. ED just drinks.
EXT. THE JUNGLE - LATE AFTERNOON.
JIM and OLUWANDE emerge from the jungle to find themselves on the far side of Isla del Amor, besides the building behind the Love Shack.
The Love Shack itself is lit with bright pink light. The shack beside the Love Shack is just that - a shack.
JIM
Finally.
OLUWANDE
You’re telling me that we could have just cut through the city and got here faster?
JIM
Did you want to be seen by everyone in the Isla del Amor?
OLUWANDE
Not really.
He suppresses a wince.
What are we doing here?
JIM
This is where JAMIESON DANIELS-
They spit on the ground derisively.
-does his business.
OLUWANDE
In here?
JIM
Yes?
OLUWANDE
I mean… it just looks like a shed.
JIM
Hiding in plain sight.
OLUWANDE
Now, I’m not usually one to doubt you, but - you sure?
JIM narrows their eyes at him.
OLUWANDE
Oh yeah, you sure.
He draws his dagger.
Come on then. Let’s get this cat killer.
JIM grins at him, a little viciously.
INT. THE CAT’S MEOW - LATE AFTERNOON.
STEDE is dancing, terribly, with a bunch of strangers in the middle of the club, waving his arms in the air. His undershirt is half unbuttoned. He looks like he’s having the time of his life
He’s dancing with a group of people, but then they all begin to fade away into the background so he’s only really dancing with one. This person has a very similar look to ED.
STEDE
(slurring)
I thought it was all making sense - right? With me and Ed and us on the ship. Co-captains. Co-whatevers. And now I’m here and Jamieson keeps on buying me things and treating me nice and Ed’s not here and maybe… I should just let it go. It’s easier like this. Pretending not to care.
He smears a sweaty hand over his forehead and unbuttons his shirt more.
I keep on telling everyone to be open and honest and talk to me, but I can’t do it myself!
JAMIESON sits back on his stool. He’s surrounded by empty cocktail glasses, leaning against the bar.
JAMIESON
You know what I’ve decided?
He’s not speaking to anyone in particular.
It’s one thing to steal the man from his… soulmate, or whatever - I’m getting a kind of vicarious joy about that, but it’s another thing to rob him of all his riches and sink his
ship. That will be the icing on the cake.
Men like him - they’re so gullible.
A waiter passing past him says something, but he doesn’t quite catch it because of the overlarge cat mask.
WAITER
(vaguely audible)
You’re such a huge dick, you know that.
JAMIESON
I know I have such a huge dick. Thank you!
STEDE blinks, and the man he’s dancing with morphs into ED for a moment.
STEDE
I can’t believe myself, sometimes. I’m not honorable or honest at all.
You know what I am, Edward Teach? I am a hypocrite! A filthy, filthy hypocrite. I deserve to be alone in this bar right now.
HALLUCINATION ED
(spookily)
You should tell him.
STEDE
What?
HALLUCINATION ED
(spookily)
You should tellllll himmmmmmmm.
He waves his arms, spookily.
You should telllll himmmmmmmmm that you likkkkke himmmmmm… Before it’s toooooo lateeeeee.
STEDE
Ed? Are you- are you real?
HALLUCINATION ED
(spookily)
Absolutely notttttttttt.
He waves his arms and disappears into the crowd. STEDE slumps over a little, looking feverish.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH STEDE - NEAR DUSK.
STEDE looks like he’s been run over by a boat, he’s that drunk. He’s lying on the edge of the bar.
STEDE
You know, I’ve never hallucinated before, but there’s a first time for everything. Today I think I deserve it.
He sighs.
Fuck.
ACT THREE
INT. INSIDE THE SHACK NEXT TO THE LOVE SHACK - NEAR DUSK.
The interior of the shack is as average as the outside. There’s stacks of paper everywhere, fountain pens, the works.
OLUWANDE
We’re looking for - what - deeds of ownership, bodies, gold - what?
JIM
I want his head.
They relent after a moment.
But anything to prove to everyone outside that he’s a massive asshole will do.
OLUWANDE
Got it.
They search around the room for a few moments, then OLUWANDE notices a hatch on the floor.
OLUWANDE
Help me with this?
Together they manoeuvre a large table out of the way and pull up the hatch to reveal…
A large cavern below them, full of the skeletons of ships, all broken and rotten and wrong. It’s a ship graveyard.
OLUWANDE
Nope. Don’t like that. Don’t like that at all.
JIM carefully steps around the edge of the hatch and peers down closer at the ships.
JIM
Guess he didn’t sink the ships after all. He must be using the parts to make this place bigger.
OLUWANDE
If he didn’t sink the ships then… where are the crews?
JIM
Where do you think?
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH JIM - NEAR DUSK.
JIM
They’re dead. Obviously.
I did hear a rumor that Jamieson was a cannibal but that’s a bit much, even for a cat murderer.
INT. INSIDE THE SHACK NEXT TO THE LOVE SHACK - NEAR DUSK.
JIM and OLUWANDE search around some more. The shack has an odd-shaped pillar to one side of the centre, holding the roof up, as well as stacks of mess and paper.
OLUWANDE opens a cupboard and finds…
OLUWANDE
Oh.
JIM
What?
OLUWANDE
Don’t come over here, it’s nothing, it’s just-
JIM storms past him, throwing the cupboard doors open and finding a… perfectly preserved taxidermy of a scraggly ginger cat.
JIM
Oh.
OLUWANDE
I’m sorry.
JIM
It’s fine.
It’s not fine.
OLUWANDE
It’s okay.
It’s not.
ED takes that moment to burst inside and starts talking a mile a minute when he sees them both.
ED
Oh, no way. You two are the Mysterious Stranger?
OLUWANDE
No.
JIM doesn’t answer. They just lift the taxidermied cat out of the cupboard and stare at it, mournfully for a moment.
ED
What’s-
OLUWANDE catches his eye and waves a hand over his neck, clearly indicating for him to shut up. ED gets it.
ED
A mysterious stranger in one of the bars told me to meet them here. Seen anyone else lately?
OLUWANDE
Only a really creepy ship graveyard.
ED
Well, that can’t talk. Where?
OLUWANDE points at the hole in the floor, half covered by the hatch. ED wanders over to take a look.
ED
Creepy.
I mean.
I don’t feel fear.
But creepy.
You sure neither of you are the mysterious stranger?
JIM is still cradling the cat carefully.
OLUWANDE
I think we’d know.
ED
Have you seen Stede?
I sort of… left him. And I didn’t mean to. But I did.
For the first time in about five minutes, JIM looks away from the taxidermied cat. They and OLUWANDE exchange exasperated glances.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH JIM - DUSK.
JIM
Have you ever spent your life living, working and being right next to two stubborn idiots? Wish they’d just fuck and get it over with.
That’s the easiest way.
INT. THE CAT’S MEOW - DUSK.
STEDE wakes. He’s lying on the dusty floor, looking sweaty, shirt half off. The rest of the bar, barring one waiter, is empty. The waiter is sweeping the floor, his cat mask sitting on the bar next to him.
WAITER
Oh. You’re alive. I wasn't sure.
STEDE sits up, wincing.
STEDE
Think so. Have you seen Jamieson?
WAITER
Oh, he left ages ago.
STEDE
Do you know where he went?
WAITER
He works in that shack next to the Love Shack - it’s a little old place.
STEDE
Thank you!
STEDE stumbles to his feet, ready to leave.
WAITER
Hey, he’s not worth it, by the way. He’s like… a massive dick.
STEDE
Oh, I got that much, dear boy. I’m going to tell him that to his face.
He sighs.
It’s time I was more honest with others.
And myself.
He leaves the bar.
The WAITER just rolls his eyes and continues sweeping.
WAITER
Tourists.
INT. INSIDE THE SHACK NEXT TO THE LOVE SHACK - NEAR DUSK.
ED is pacing around the shack, while JIM looks mournfully at the taxidermied cat. OLUWANDE tosses papers, accoutrements and long bits of rope around the room, hunting for anything worth keeping.
ED
What’s with the cat, Jim?
OLUWANDE glares at him but doesn’t say anything.
JIM
It’s my cat.
JIM glares at ED too.
ED
Gotcha. Your cat. That’s fine. No worries. It’s nearly dusk. I’ll just… leave. For a bit.
Till the guy I’m meeting decides to show up.
He steps towards the door, but is pushed back by the sheer raw power of JAMIESON DANIELS.
JAMIESON DANIELS
Going somewhere?
ED
Just waiting for a mate, ae?
JAMIESON DANIELS
Does that ‘mate’ have information about Jamieson Daniels to “use at a later date… for no reason”?
ED
Don’t know what you’re talking about, eh.
JAMIESON DANIELS steps towards him, forcing him further into the room.
JAMIESON DANIELS
I would have settled for your ship and your boyfriend, but I think your head would fetch me a good price in the right market.
He draws his sword.
Plus, you just rubbed me the wrong way.
I don’t like things that do that to me here.
ED suddenly realises that he’s in a little bit of trouble and also completely unarmed.
ED
Guys, help!
OLUWANDE
Where’s your sword?
ED
I wasn’t expecting to get into a fight! I left it on the boat.
He ducks as JAMIESON DANIELS swings at him, leaping past him and across his desk, scattering papers wildly. OLUWANDE tosses him a length of rope and he grabs it, twirling it around his hands and blocking JAMIESON DANIELS’ strikes with it.
OLUWANDE
Jim, now would be the time to come back to us.
JIM doesn’t seem to notice, still staring, just mesmerised, at the cat. The action doesn’t stop around them, though, and in some kind of dance OLUWANDE swings them out of harm’s way, again and again and again as ED spars with JAMIESON DANIELS.
JAMIESON DANIELS
You should know I’m great with both my swords.
ED
Didn’t need to know that actually.
ED leaps across the table, narrowly missing the hatch in the floor and throws a paperweight in JAMIESON DANIELS’ direction. JAMIESON ducks.
JAMIESON DANIELS
Really?
ED
Yeah.
He throws a few more heavy things at him, all of which JAMIESON ducks. The pair continue darting past each other, sparring around the room, all while JIM and OLUWANDE duck out of the way.
Then, with a particularly heavy swing - JAMIESON DANIELS stabs the taxidermied cat, right in the middle, lopping off its head.
JIM screams!
They leap into action, suddenly free from their stupor and throw themselves at JAMIESON DANIELS, agile and catlike, clawing at their eyes. They pull their knife from their belt, slashing across their face and torso, before JAMIESON DANIELS pushes them away.
JAMIESON DANIELS is bleeding now, clearly furious.
JAMIESON
I remember you. You and that scraggly animal. Should have just stayed away.
All three of them fight JAMIESON DANIELS with whatever they have on hand. It’s a comical fight, but a skilled one. JAMIESON is losing ground, but still swinging his sword madly, when-
STEDE bursts through the door, looking like absolute shit.
STEDE
Ed, I-
What on earth is going on here?
He spots a book on the ground.
Is that an original copy of Twelfth Night?
He picks it up off the ground, as well as the two metre or so length of rope off the ground next to it.
What is going on here?
ED
Not now, Stede, he is trying to kill us.
Genuinely surprised-
STEDE
Oh. Oh shit. Can I do… anything?
ED
Maybe not this time?
It’s not a brush off, it’s just a fair evaluation of skills.
STEDE nods.
STEDE
Fair enough.
Just then! JAMIESON feints past everyone to swing at ED. ED ducks, JAMIESON rushes past him, and falls straight through the hatch in the floor.
Everyone just… takes a second.
STEDE
Oh my God, that felt like a close one.
He slips the book into his jacket and hangs the rope over his shoulders. Walking towards ED, who’s standing pretty close to the hatch in the floor, he continues.
Feel my heart, it’s beating like, so fast. That was invigorating! Does anyone else feel invigorated?
JIM and OLUWANDE pick up the ruins of the cat and step outside, talking amongst themselves quietly.
For a moment, it’s like ED and STEDE have finally seen each other, properly, for the first time ever.
ED
Stede… I need to te-
Then! JAMIESON DANIELS’ hand reaches out from within the floor hatch and grasps onto ED’s leg, dragging him towards the hatch and the hole below. ED scrabbles against the floor, panicking, rolling over and kicking, but the strength JAMIESON DANIELS has on him is too much, and he’s falling.
ED
Hey! Get off. Get off you fucker, let me go.
STEDE rushes over, falling over things on the floor and collapses onto the hole next to ED. He reaches for him, he reaches for him and he just- manages to grab him before he falls, clasping their hands together.
With one almighty kick, JAMIESON DANIELS finally lets go of ED’s legs and falls, screaming into the cavern below.
ED hangs over the cavern, braced on one leg.
But he’s slipping. Their hands are so slippery.
ED
If you let me go I’m coming back from the grave to haunt you.
STEDE
I’m not going to let you go. Pull yourself up.
ED
I’m trying.
He struggles, but gravity is too strong and they’re both too tired. There’s just been an epic swordfight and Stede’s had a lot of probably-moonshine, for fuck’s sake.
STEDE
Come on. Don’t let us end like this. Pull yourself up.
ED
I’m so tired. I can’t.
They’re both struggling. It feels like something’s about to give, and not in a good way. STEDE shifts his position, trying to grab more onto ED’s slippery hands when he notices the rope still looped around his shoulders.
And then the pillar.
Carefully, quickly, he shuffles towards the pillar, so exhausted, so slowly, with so much strength and pressure, and ties a perfect bowline knot around it.
With one hand.
He tosses the other end of the rope down the hole.
STEDE
I’ll pull you up.
With just… ridiculous levels of strength and exhaustion and power, ED manages to get a much better grip on the rope than on STEDE’s hands, and together, finally, STEDE pulls him from the chasm and slams the hatch shut behind him.
Together they lie, sweating and trembling from the exhaustion.
ED
When I was falling to my death just now I kinda had a few thoughts about some things.
STEDE
Yeah? What were those?
ED
I’ve gotta climb more ropes.
STEDE
Oh, me too. Definitely me too. I need way more upper body strength.
ED
And… I sort of realised that if I fell onto those old broken ships down there I wouldn’t have been able to look at you in the moonlight again, or try on your clothes, or listen to your stories, and I just… - that would have been a real tragedy, eh. I would have hated that. Dying. Like that. Seeing you disappear.
STEDE
Can I tell you something?
Promise you won’t laugh?
ED
I mean, I can’t promise that. Look at me.
STEDE
Please?
ED
Yeah. I’ll only laugh a little bit. If it’s really funny.
STEDE
Ever since coming onto this island the only person I’ve wanted to be with is you.
ED snorts. It’s more of a reflex than anything.
ED
Sorry. It’s not funny. I’m just laughing cause - same.
STEDE
Same?
ED
Same.
He drags himself over to STEDE and reaches out for him, caressing over his exposed shoulder and up his cheek.
Would it be super dumb if I asked you if I could kiss you right now?
STEDE
I wouldn’t find it all that dumb, because I’d say yes.
They kiss. It’s really sweet, y’all.
After-
ED
Oh gods, did you drink the absinthe or swim in it?
STEDE
Both, I think. If I’m honest, I feel like there’s only about half a chance that I’m not dreaming all this right now.
ED laughs.
ED
It’s a pretty sweet dream.
STEDE
That it is.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LUCIOUS - NIGHT
LUCIOUS
So killing Jamieson Daniels isn’t going to bring back a whole bunch of ships, crews and loot, but at least he’s gone from this world. Guess the Isla del Amor can run itself now, though, which I suppose means something? I’m not all up on that political stuff, and I really don’t understand numbers.
What I do get is people. And relationships.
As for Ed and Stede - well, I can certainly hear them getting on fine.
Every night.
And most days too.
If you catch my drift.
It’s cute.
If you’re into that.
He plugs his ears with wax, winking at the audience, and turns over, pulling a blanket back over himself and going back to sleep.
We watch as the ship drifts away into the night and two figures doze against the mast near the bow, content at last. The taxidermied cat sits pride of place at the front of the boat, head neatly sewn back on.
Fin.