Chapter Text
INT. MANSION. FOYER - NIGHT
We see three vampires - Nadja, Nandor and Laszlo - peering down an old-fashioned hallway, where Guillermo, Nandor's familiar (ex-familiar?) is dusting a painting. They're all varying degrees of contemplative.
NADJA
So, Gizmo's back.
Guillermo is very obviously trying to ignore them.
LASZLO
I thought he'd kill us after he killed all the other vampires at the Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires, but he didn't, so I figured he'd be worth keeping around.
NANDOR
You had nothing to do with it. I woke up one night and he was just there - in his little room.
NADJA
Didn't even ask.
LASZLO
Bit bloody rude, actually.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Vampire assassins kept on breaking into Mama's house. I had to leave.
INT. MANSION. FOYER - NIGHT
Guillermo is still ignoring the three vampires. A vampire assassin leaps into the hallway from a side room. Without looking, Guillermo pulls the fluffy end off the feather duster, and stabs the handle, which is sharpened, into the assassin's neck. The assassin explodes into dust. Guillermo puts the fluffy part back on the duster and goes back to dusting. The other vampires are predictably a little shocked by this.
LASZLO
Gosh, it sure would be odd if he started talking to us again.
NADJA
I'm almost missing the sound of his voice. Almost.
NANDOR
I hope he will.
Shocked at this display of emotion from such a stoic vampire, Laszlo and Nadja turn to face him.
LASZLO
You feeling alright, old chap?
Before Nandor can answer, the mansion's excessive and very grandiose doorbell begins to ring. Guillermo looks up, shrugs, goes back to his dusting.
NADJA
The door, Gizmo!
Guillermo very pointedly ignores them. The doorbell continues to ring. Pointedly. And prolongedly.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
Guillermo doesn't say anything, just sits there in a way that suggests that he absolutely will keep on ignoring them until the universe burns itself out.
INT. MANSION. FOYER - NIGHT
LASZLO
Get the door, Nandor.
NANDOR
You're closer.
Laszlo shuffles away so he's slightly further away from the door.
LASZLO
I'm not.
Nandor takes the initiative.
NANDOR
Guillermo. Will you please answer the door?
Laszlo and Nadja both gasp, because Nandor hasn't said 'please' ever in his entire undead life, and also probably while he was alive too.
Guillermo, still looking sour, stomps past them, petulantly, feather duster in hand.
GUILLERMO
(under breath, muttering, etc)
You're right there - could have been doing something important - vampires have hands too-
He flings the door open wide without bothering to check who's behind it.
Standing on the stoop is Viago, a dandyish looking vampire with lashings of a generic Eastern European-Kiwi accent. He also looks very unwell.
VIAGO
Hi guys!
The three vampires all hiss, spring back from the door, and assume defensive positions. Guillermo pulls a stake from inside the umbrella rack by the door and holds it out.
VIAGO
Shit.
Without another word, he passes out on the stoop.
OPENING CREDITS
We see images of vampires all throughout history. Weird and wonderful depictions, often with frightening genitalia. Bats. Fangs. Coffins. A couple of pictures of Lazslo, Nadja, Nandor and Colin Robinson at a party circa 1992. Terrible paintings of them, too. This is all set to the song You're Dead by Norma Tanega.
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - AROUND MIDNIGHT
Viago is slumped over one of Nandor's overlarge chairs, looking rather worse for wear. Guillermo is standing on guard, tossing a stake from hand to hand. Every time he catches it, the surrounding vampires - Laszlo and Nandor -flinch. Nadja ignores him. Nandor looks especially displeased.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
What I don't understand is why it has to be my room he has to stay in? I use my room. We have many other rooms. Why can't he stay in one of them?
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - AROUND MIDNIGHT
Guillermo is still tossing the stake from hand to hand, getting closer and closer to Laszlo's face.
LASZLO
Could you not... do that?
GUILLERMO
(innocently)
Does it make you uncomfortable?
LASZLO
(obviously lying)
No.
Colin Robinson - truly the most boring vampire alive - walks past and pokes his nose, and most of his self, into the room. He immediately tries to get in on the action.
COLIN ROBINSON
Ooh, made a new friend, have we?
NANDOR
He's a member of the Vampiric Council Colin Robinson.
NADJA
You were part of the trial with him against us.
FLASHBACK:
INT. LARGE CAVERNOUS MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
The assembled members of the Vampiric Council, all in elaborate white robes, stand about in the cavernous room.
VIAGO
As per Vampiric Law, we also have a local vampire here on the Council this evening - Colin Robinson.
COLIN ROBINSON
Hello!
NADJA
What the fuck are you doing here?
END FLASHBACK
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - AROUND MIDNIGHT
Colin Robinson projects an aura of vague affrontedness.
COLIN ROBINSON
That night ended with me-
GUILLERMO
And me-
Everyone ignores him.
COLIN ROBINSON
Me saving all your lives. The concept of saving others' lives is quite a heroic trope, isn't it? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary-
Viago makes an abrupt snorting noise in his sleep. All the vampires jump back, and Guillermo lifts his stake high, poised. The stakes have been raised, so to speak.
COLIN ROBINSON
Well, I'll just be going. I've got to attend my night class on niche types of Roman masonry. I just love how spirited those classicists get!
He leaves.
GUILLERMO
That's it, I'm just going to wake him up.
All the other vampires hiss. Guillermo rolls his eyes.
GUILLERMO
What do you think he's going to do? He looks like he's nearly dead.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
NADJA
He's already dead. Undead, technically. Ah, I had vampiric flu many many years ago. I killed sixteen humans and a werewolf in my delirious stupor. Good times.
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - AROUND MIDNIGHT
The vampires warily let Guillermo try to shake Viago awake. He doesn't move for a moment. Guillermo tries again.
After a pained groan, Viago wakes. His eyes are blood red. He hisses, and the other vampires nearly rush him, but then comes back to himself.
VIAGO
(weakly)
Hi guys.
LASZLO
(dramatically)
What are you doing in our house, foul fiend!
VIAGO
Rude.
GUILLERMO
The last time they saw you, you left them in a well to be killed by the sun.
VIAGO
Eh, that's business.
GUILLERMO
Is it?
Viago moves to answer, but he gags, and sneezes blood into one of his sleeves. The other vampires scurry back. Guillermo, grudgingly, gives Viago a box of tissues.
VIAGO
Thank you, little man.
GUILLERMO
Guillermo. And I'm not little.
Nandor shrugs. Laszlo and Nadja look less convinced.
VIAGO
(genuinely)
Guillermo. Hi. As for why I'm here -It's a long story. Every time a vampire does--
LASZLO
Get to the fucking point.
VIAGO
I was in the neighbourhood?
This is very insufficient. Nandor pouts a little.
NANDOR
But I wanted to hear the long-winded and tragic backstory of our new sneaky friend.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH VIAGO
VIAGO
I am a very old and very important vampire. But, I live in New Zealand now. Every time a dumb vampire does something dumb over here, my other vampire friends and I have to take a very long plane trip with our coffins and convene with the Vampiric Council here. It is so messy, and I get the worst headaches from travelling.
I ask them - "Why can't we meet in Wellington some times?" and they say - "It wouldn't be fair on us Viago", and I say "It's not fair that we have to travel to the Americas four times a year, can you give us virgins as compensation or something?" and they say "no Viago, don't be a fool". It is all very unfair. Long story short, I can't get home for a while.
It takes months to organise these kind of plane trips. I said to Vladislav - "Why can't I fly with my bat wings?" and he said, "Viago, can you fly faster than the sun?" and that was a very good point.
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - AROUND MIDNIGHT
Laszlo is pacing. Nandor is sitting on top of his closed coffin, looking exhausted. Guillermo has put the stake down.
LASZLO
That doesn't really explain why you're here.
VIAGO
Well, my Vampiric Council friends are cool... but they don't like me as much now that I basically let you off for killing the Baron.
LASZLO
That's not how I remember it.
GUILLERMO
I killed the Baron, actually.
VIAGO
Sure thing, little man.
NANDOR
No, he did. On accident.
GUILLERMO
Thank you, master.
VIAGO
And most of my other vampire friends here are dead. Because someone killed them.
LASZLO
That was him too.
GUILLERMO
(dryly)
Thank you. Laszlo.
LASZLO
Anytime, chum.
VIAGO
Ah, we all have our time for our deaths.
He sighs.
Most of them insulted my fashion choice at the potluck after the last Vampiric Council meeting anyway. Sad but... not much of a loss.
Guillermo is still very suspicious of Viago.
GUILLERMO
(suspiciously)
Thank you.
VIAGO
I don't want to sleep in a hole or something until I can get a new plane home, and I was just down the road. Also, I am very good with cameramen.
He smiles at the cameraman. The cameraman shies back a little.
VIAGO
So, I will be here at least until next week. Do you have a stock of virgins handy? When I was home last week we went through the last members of the Victoria University Calculus Club so it's been a few days...
LASZLO
You are NOT staying here until next week.
INT. THE LIBRARY - DUSK
Next week.
Nadja is in the library, hunting through the books.
NADJA
Vampires are superior to humans in every single way, really. Except we still get sick sometimes. That's a secret, don't tell the vampire hunters that. Eat someone who has a certain kind of flu, and we'll get it. When I got vampire flu it knocked me off my feet for six years. I slept through most of the nineteen eighties. Didn't really miss much, though - or so Laszlo tells me. Ah!
She finds the book she was looking for.
Vampire flu is nasty, so I'm trying to find a cure for Viago. We won't catch it, because we didn't eat the guy who had it, and Gizmo won't either, but I wouldn't wish the flu on my worst enemy.
She reconsiders, flipping through the book.
Actually, maybe I would. That bitch took a bite out of Elvis before I could, and there's no coming back from that.
She finds the page she's looking for.
Virgin blood - that's easy. Pepper... Gizmo will have some...
She mumbles a little as she looks through the rest of the list.
...Lavender, sage - hair from a witch's breast. Why. Why. Why is it always the breast? Why not- something more interesting? Laszlo has plenty of
hairs on his-
She shuts the book and looks at the author's biography on the back. She taps the photo.
Ah. Of course. Men.