Chapter Text
INT. MANSION. NANDOR'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING
Nandor, Viago and Guillermo are hanging out - in the sense that Nandor and Viago - who looks to be on death's (?) door - are trying to flirt terribly with a victim and Guillermo is putting down towels around them.
VICTIM
(awkwardly)
I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but if I'd known that we'd need towels, I would have trimmed a little better-
GUILLERMO
I'm sure you'll be fine.
VICTIM
Speaking of... fine - is he okay?
VIAGO
Flu.
VICTIM
You've got the flu?
VIAGO
(with a hint of the vampiric mesmerism)
It can't hurt you. You'll be fine.
VICTIM
Oh. Uh. It can't hurt me, I'll be fine? I'll be fine.
He's slightly more self assured.
Do... you do this a lot?
NANDOR
Sometimes.
VIAGO
It's an acquired taste.
NANDOR
You could say that we are very prepared.
The joke (?) goes down like a lead balloon. The victim looks curiously at Guillermo.
VICTIM
I can tell. Is he playing too, orcause I'm not opposed, I get the nerdy guy vibe, it's just-
GUILLERMO
Uh. No. No way. Not my thing. Just helping out my master.
VICTIM
Oh, are you like- their- sub, or-
NANDOR
Thank you for your help, Guillermo.
Leave now.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
One day they're going to get blood all over the furniture and expect me to replace it, and it's not so easy to source authentic antique armchairs. Like, they don't really sell them on eBay.
INT. NANDOR'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING
Guillermo hasn't finished putting down towels, so he tugs one over to hastily fill the gap as he heads towards the door.
VICTIM
I mean, I was talking-
NANDOR
Shhhh.
Behind Guillermo, Nandor and Viago bite into the victim, who struggles a little but immediately relaxes. Guillermo heads upstairs, closing the door as he goes.
VICTIM
(drowsily)
Wow, that's a vibe.
Suddenly! There's a scream. It's much like Laszlo's from earlier. Viago stops drinking and looks up, eyes glazed.
VIAGO
What was that?
NANDOR
Who cares?
Viago pushes the victim out of the way, and gets blood all over the patch of the floor not covered by the towels. He looks back, a little sheepish, but ignores it.
INT. THE FOYER - EARLY MORNING
Hurrying down the hall, through several corridors, Viago emerges out into the room where Laszlo's contraption is set up - and Laszlo is trapped in it. Sunlight streams through the window over the door and right in Laszlo's direction.
The whole thing is also on fire.
Laszlo looks to be in some peril, and is almost actively on fire. Without even stopping to think, Viago ditches his waistcoat, clambers into the crucipult and starts tearing parts of it away.
It would be quite heroic if it wasn't so ridiculous.
Viago drags Laszlo free of the stupid, stupid contraption, just as Guillermo arrives with a fire extinguisher and covers the pair of them in thick, white foam. He then shuts the curtains over the window.
GUILLERMO
This is exactly why we need better fire safety standards in this household. That inspector was right, you know. Until you ate him.
The pair are silent.
GUILLERMO
(tentatively)
Are you okay, Laszlo?
LASZLO
(muffled)
Just peachy.
GUILLERMO
Viago?
VIAGO
I'm fine, you sweet little human morsel.
Seemingly satisfied, if not rather taken aback by Viago's praises, Guillermo goes to put the fire extinguisher away.
LASZLO
Why'd you do it?
Viago wipes the foam away from his face.
VIAGO
What? I couldn't quite hear you because of the miracles of modern firefighting in my ears.
LASZLO
Why'd you pull me out of there? I was literally going to use that thing to catapult you out into the sun and burn you to death.
Viago shrugs.
VIAGO
If you die then I won't get to come over to America so often because no-one else does dumb things as often as you. And even though they insult my choice of dress and are mostly kind terrible, I like the guys in the Vampiric Council. They're my friends.
LASZLO
...thanks. I think.
VIAGO
Don't thank me. I'm just a very kind and gracious vampire.
INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO
LASZLO
He saved my life.
He looks pissed.
Still don't like him.
INT. THE FOYER - EARLY MORNING
Nadja arrives, looking worried. She's carrying the potion. She wipes the foam away from Laszlo's face and kisses him, then kisses Viago on the cheek. If vampires could blush, Viago would.
She hands the potion over.
NADJA
For your illness.
VIAGO
You are a lovely, talented woman, Nadja. Thank you.
He drinks the potion. After a massive sneeze, he shakes a bit, and he seems to look a little healthier almost immediately.
VIAGO
Tasty. Lavender?
NADJA
Among other things.
The Victim runs past, blood streaming from his neck. Nandor follows, not particularly hurriedly. The Victim clocks the contraption.
VICTIM
What the fuck?
Laszlo darts up, splattering foam everywhere. He stops the victim in his tracks.
VICTIM
What. The fuck. There's more of you freaks?
LASZLO
Well, that's just rude.
All the vampires go for the Victim. It is a bloodbath, and also, a foambath. Guillermo comes back in, carrying a handful of bloodied towels.
GUILLERMO
Guys, seriously? The floor.
He sneezes. It's bloody.
Everyone ignores him.