Chapter Text
His life had crashed and burned.
He woke up and his body felt heavy. He didn’t see the point of getting up which was a strange way for him to feel. Usually, he was eager to get up and walk to the bus stop so he could see Kyle and Kenny (and Cartman, he supposed). But lately, he just wasn’t as happy to see them. He wasn’t happy doing anything.
It all started when he turned 16. He had gotten a CD that he had been looking forward to but his mom didn’t want him listening to it. His dad didn’t see what was wrong with the music and neither did he… at first. When he had snuck and listened to it later that night, he realized it wasn’t worth the hype. It sounded like literal shit.
When he talked to his friends about it the next day though, they had all liked the music. He didn’t understand it, the songs were all horrible but it wasn’t just the music either. Everything in his life wasn’t appealing anymore. The food he ate was bland and boring. When he went to the movies with his friends, whatever they watched wasn’t funny. All the antics his friends came up with weren’t interesting anymore.
His parents started fighting and then his friends were lying to him because they didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. Soon he was just confined to his bedroom, listening to his parents’ arguments. Then they decided to get a divorce (again) and his dad moved out. So much for turning 16.
He kept trying to piece everything together, thinking about the past events over and over again to figure out how they fit together. He didn’t want to lose his family, he didn’t want to lose his friends but that’s what had happened and it all seemed to revolve around him. He didn’t want to blame himself but all the arrows seemed to point to him. His parents split because they had been fighting so much. They started fighting because they had disagreed over him listening to that shitty CD. His friends didn’t want to hang out with him because they found him depressing. He would’ve expected something like that from Cartman and maybe even Kenny but Kyle? They were supposed to be there for eachother, but now Kyle was best friends with Cartman of all people; he had been pushed to the side.
He didn’t feel anything. He knew he should be happy or even upset and angry, but he wasn’t. He had just given up on things getting better and decided to let the numb feeling take over him. It was all his fault. He was unhappy and he had made everyone around unhappy as well and now they all hated him. He was even starting to hate himself, something he told himself he wouldn’t do ever since his break up with Wendy in the fourth grade, after his “emo” or whatever the weird kids at school called it phase.
He rolled himself out of bed and went into his bathroom. He didn’t even see the point in showering and wearing clean clothes, as disgusting as that was. Still, he cleaned himself up because that was the respectable thing to do, the normal thing to do. Maybe if he still acted like everything was normal, then it would be. But even that was too much for him.
His mom hadn’t noticed his declining mood. She was too busy, trying to convince his dad to sign the divorce papers and getting into more arguments with him. Shelley had never given a shit about him and even if she had, she was too busy with her boyfriend to pay attention to him. He sat down at the breakfast table and his mom shoved a plate of waffles in his face. She was preoccupied at the moment, dressed in a bathrobe with messy hair and sluggish eyes, a sign she had been fighting with his dad all night. Their argument was never resting because she was still on the phone with him.
“Stanley, eat your waffles.” She told him over her shoulder, before scowling into the phone. “RANDY!”
He pushed the plate away and stood up from his chair. So much for breakfast. It wasn’t like he was in the mood for waffles anyway but his parent’s bickering had ruined breakfast for him. He grabbed his bag off the floor and headed towards the front door without saying goodbye. His family would be fine without him.
He opened the door and a breeze of cold air hit him in his face. His expression became even grimmer as he walked out in the cold and shut his door, shoving his hands in his pocket and heading towards the bus stop. He kept his eyes cast down and his mind blank as he walked. He blocked out the sounds of kids chatting and laughing as he arrived at the stop, standing in his usual spot next to Kyle.
“Oh shut up Cartman. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Kyle yelled, not even acknowledging his arrival.
“Oh yeah? I saw it on the news Kyle.” Cartman shouted back. “The school is going to make us all get shots again but this time it’s so we don’t get warts in our vaginas.”
“In our vaginas?” Kenny asked him.
“Yep.” Cartman confirmed.
“That’s only a vaccination for girls, stupid.” Kyle explained.
“Then why are they saying getting the vaccination at school is going to make us all retarded?” Cartman asked Kyle.
“Ugh.” Kyle rolled his eyes. “Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's.”
“Wait what?”
“That’s what they’re talking about on the news!” Kyle exclaimed angrily.
“Wait, there’s a disease called Ass Burgers?” Cartman asked Kyle.
“Yes.”
“You are so lying. There is no disease called fucking Ass Burgers.” Cartman retorted.
“You wanna bet?” Kyle challenged him, starting to walk off. “Let’s go ask my dad right now.”
“Okay, you’re on jew.” Cartman snapped at Kyle as he ran after him with Kenny, leaving Stan alone.
There were a few other kids at the bus stop but none that he was close with. It had always been him, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. They would hang out with Craig and his friends or the girls and those were the only people that mattered. Now it was just him. He was alone and no one cared. He felt invisible.
The bus came and he gave a tired sigh before he trudged onto it. He found an empty seat and slumped in it. No one commented on his bad mood as they continued to chatter away and he didn’t know why it mattered so much to him. Why would he want people to see how low he’s sunk? Why would he want people to know that he’s depressed?
He felt like he was dozing off as he sulked. All the chatter on the bus seemed so distant and his surroundings faded out, making him feel even lonelier. He didn’t even realize that the bus had arrived at school until someone’s book bag hit him in the face, snapping him out of his trance.
Time was passing him by and he didn’t even notice. This was supposed to be the prime of his life and it was being wasted. He was supposed to be out with his friends, being rebellious and having fun. What if it was like this forever? What if he was never happy again?
He walked through the halls continuing to block everyone out. He could hear bits and pieces of what everyone was talking about (to his annoyance) and it was all about the stupid vaccine. Didn’t people understand there was more to life than petty debates?
He made his way to homeroom to find he was the first one there. At least now he had some time to himself, some peace and quiet. He had never noticed how depressing the classroom he sat in was until now. There were no bright colors and it smelled of body odor and pencil shavings. He guessed he couldn’t expect much from a high school classroom though.
People started filing into the classroom around him and he continued to avoid eye contact with everyone. He noticed how Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle still hadn’t arrived and he wondered if they were still debating about if Asperger’s was real or not. He knew if he was normal Stan that he would be into the debate but he really just found it to be stupid and a waste of time.
“And so children, at noon today all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations and boys will head off to their free period.” Mr. Garrison instructed the class. There everyone went with that dumb vaccine again.
“Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?” Butters asked their teacher.
“No Butters, that’s not how it works.” Mr. Garrison scolded him.
“Mr. Garrison!” Office Barbrady entered the room with Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman. “These three boys were caught playing hooky.”
“Did you guys know there’s actually a disease called Ass Burgers?” Cartman asked everyone while Kenny and Kyle rolled their eyes.
“Sit down boys, we’ll talk about this later.” Mr. Garrison told them as they went to take their seats. He only sulked lower into his seat when Kyle walked past him without any acknowledgment. Everyone only seemed to grow more distant. “Right now we’re talking about vaginal warts.”
“This isn’t fair.” Wendy complained. “How can the school make us get vaccinated?”
“You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?” Butters asked childishly.
“That’s right, it’s a butt fungus.” Cartman told him.
“I don’t want burgers coming out of my butt.” Butters exclaimed in fear.
“GOD, SHUT UP!” Stan yelled, drawing all eyes to him. He was so fed up. He had been quiet all morning, quiet this whole time and everyone was just focusing on things that didn’t even matter. He was sick of it, he was sick of them . Wendy who broke his heart so many times, Kyle who was ignoring him, Cartman who stole his best friend. Screw them all. “EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
He looked around at everyone for the first time that day to see their jaws dropped in shock. Kyle and Cartman looked at him for the first time in days but he couldn’t read their expressions. It was like he barely even knew them anymore. He rolled his eyes and stood up, slamming his chair into his desk and grabbing his bag.
“And just where do you think you’re going, Stanley?” Mr. Garrison asked him, putting his hands on his hips.
“Somewhere else.” Stan muttered under his breath as he left the classroom, slamming the door shut. He walked off, not really knowing where his feet were taking him, blinded by his anger. He ended up standing in front of Mr. Mackey’s desk, in his office.
“Well hello, Stanley.” Mr. Mackey greeted him, not sensing his bad mood. “What brings you to my office today?”
He stared at his counselor like he was speaking a different language. Why was he there? Was he really about to tell him what was going on? He wasn’t one to cry and complain about his problems, especially to someone like Mr. Mackey. If he needed to vent he went to Kyle. Well Kyle wasn’t around anymore was he? And neither was Wendy or Kenny. Cartman wasn’t even an option he would consider and neither was Shelley. His mom and dad were both too caught up with each other to realize that he wasn’t okay. Mr. Mackey was the first person that had actually acknowledged him that day. But still, it was Mr. Mackey.
He knew he would just make an even bigger mess than he already had, if he just left the office without any explanation but he didn’t know what to say, how to explain how he felt. He sat down in the chair in front of Mr. Mackey’s desk and decided to just let the counselor lecture him on whatever. He stared at his hands in his lap and didn’t look up when Mr. Mackey started talking.
“M’kay Stan, you gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m’kay?” Mr. Mackey started talking. Stan didn’t know if he actually knew what was going on or if he was just following his usual counselor protocol but it wasn’t like he was actually going to help him.
“I know that your parents are getting divorced, m’kay? That’s got to be hard.” Mr. Mackey continued. “I know that’s bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m’kay, and saying everything’s just shitty well, that’s called being a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m’kay? I mean you gotta, you gotta snap out of it Debbie. Come on Deb, you’re even bumming me out now, m’kay? Your attitude just, just sucks.”
“I just want everything to go back to the way it was.” Stan told him plainly. He decided not to get angry with Mr. Mackey’s choice of words seeing that he already knew he wasn’t going to be much help. That is all he wanted though. He wanted his dad back, and Kyle and the rest of his friends. He wanted his life back because that’s what he felt like, he felt like his life had been taken from him. And he knew Mr. Mackey wasn’t going to be able to do that for him.
“M’kay, well that’s not going to happen Debbie, M’kay. You know life has to change, m’kay?” Mr. Mackey tried to persuade him.
“How, when all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick? How do you go on when nothing makes you happy?” Stan frowned, fighting back the tears that welled up in his eyes. He was not about to cry, especially in front of Mr. Mackey.
His counselor just stared at him like everyone else had when he yelled at them, wide eyes and jaw dropped.
“Huh, excuse me a minute Stan, m’kay?” Mr. Mackey told him, standing up from his chair and moving to grab the telephone off his desk.
“Um, hi Ms. Bronsky.” Mr. Mackey greeted someone on the phone, trying to be discreet even though Stan could hear his entire conversation loud and clear. “Did we vaccinate Stan Marsh for the flu last year?”
He scowled at the direction Mr. Mackey was taking the conversation. Why was everything about the stupid vaccine these days? It had nothing to do with how he felt.
“We did?” Mr. Mackey whispered, looking over his shoulder at him. “Uh-oh.”
He glared at the man on the phone before picking up his bag and storming out of the room again. He didn’t need to be told that there was something wrong with him because of a stupid vaccine he had been given. He knew why everything was the way it was. It was because of him. It was all his fault.