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“What do you mean, you aren’t gonna be home?” Bucky asked over the phone, static playing in the background of Sam’s choppy voice.
“
I want to be, you know that-
”
“No, no, because if you did, you’d be here, right? You’d be here to hold our daughter for the first time, Sam.” Bucky shouted, not caring about the other people in the hallway of the hospital. He heard Sam sputter out a breath. Bucky knew when Sam was about to cry. About to break down, need the pieces picked up without a word of sympathy.
“ Jesus Christ, Bucky. It’s not my fucking fault I’m not there. I should be there, I want to be there.” You need to be here , is what Bucky wants to scream next. Because I don’t know what to do if you’re not here . “God, I’m supposed to be there, I’m so sorry, Bucky.”
“Sam, I can’t do this right now. She’s almost here. And I just- I don’t know what to do without you, Sam.” Bucky admitted quietly, running his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he can’t beat. He could hear Sam’s ragged breathing, Sam’s small sniffles. Hear gunfire behind him, too. Heard Torres yelling behind him. They needed to go. But he needed Sam. Right here, right now.
“ I have to go. ”
“I know.” Bucky muttered, his voice still bitter and masking the tears that are threatening to fall.
“ Don’t do that .”
“Do what?” Bucky hissed.
“
Bottle it up
,
don’t you dare do that
.”
“You’re not in a position to be saying that right now, Cap .” Bucky grunted out.
“ I’ll be there .” Sam said after a moment of silence.
“Better be.” And Bucky hung up, a silence far too loud filling the void of Sam’s voice. His daughter was soon to be born down the hall, and his husband was time zones away, not here. Not in his arms, not dozing off on his shoulder. He wasn’t here . He should be able to hold his daughter, be able to hear Sam’s voice, clear and present, as they held her for the first time.
He should be here right now. But Bucky’s alone, pacing an empty hallway, with his husband worlds away. Worlds away from him, and worlds away from their daughter. Their daughter, who deserves to be met by Sam’s brown eyes, Sam’s warm voice, Sam’s beautiful smile, and Sam’s gentle hold, careful against all odds, angelic fighting against the devil. Their daughter, who deserved her father right now. She might as well get used to it , Bucky thought bitterly, as he made his way back into the waiting room.
~~~~~~
He couldn’t tell Sarah. Couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her that Sam wouldn’t be here. Somehow, she already knew, with her jaw clenched as she stared head on, unwavering. As he sank into the plastic chair beside her, she reached out to his hand, brushing over his knuckles softly.
“I’m gonna kill him.” On a good day, Bucky would defend Sam.
“Me too.” He didn’t bother this time around.
~~~~~~
It was all Sam could think about. How could it not be? He was somewhere that wasn’t beside Bucky, wasn’t in the same hospital he was born in. He shouldn’t be where he is now. In a battle that lost all meaning when Sam realized his daughter could be born any minute, and he’d miss it . Miss seeing the way Bucky’s face lit up in silent awe as he held their little girl for the first time, as she cooed and cried in his arms for the first time. As Sam stared into innocent eyes, that stared right back at him, and know that was the only thing that mattered.
And he wasn’t there. He was, however, trudging out of an abandoned HYDRA base, that had been a bust, faulty information that had trapped Sam somewhere in South America for days on end, trapping him in a jet for the next 13 hours, as he had to live with the fact that he would miss holding his first child for her first moments of life. Holding her when she was so new, so wonderful, so alive. He would be forced to wait. Life was only an unbeatable game Sam couldn’t seem to win.
“Hang in there, Cap.” Came Yelena’s voice from beside him. She knew, she was one of the few who did. Knew it was today. “Torres is breaking every flying law out there to get you home.” Sam’s lips turned up slightly, thankful for the young woman sitting beside him.
“Thank you.” It came out choked, words tangled around his lungs like vines. “Lang start the briefing yet?” He asked, desperate to change the subject.
“Yeah, you’re good. Get some rest, Sam. Call your husband, maybe.” Sam thought about it, thought about calling Bucky, assuring him he was living and breathing and here . But here wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Here was supposed to be sitting next to Bucky in a hospital waiting room, a hand resting on Bucky’s knee, waiting for the moment to meet their daughter.
“I will.” He muttered, and was thankful when she took that as her cue to leave.
~~~~~~
“Mr Wilson-Barnes.” A voice tore Bucky from his mind, a voice of a smiling nurse. Bucky shot up, jostling Sarah awake. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, maybe an hour, maybe minutes, he wasn’t really sure. Must’ve been a lot, if Sarah had fallen asleep, if the receptionist changed shifts. Sam still wasn’t beside him. Still wasn’t there to squeeze his hand, to lean against him.
“Yeah, hi.” Bucky breathed out, realizing he was standing, aware of Sarah staring, hyper aware of the words that were about to fall from the nurse's mouth.
“Your daughter’s here.” Bucky felt like he was flying and falling at the exact same time. He had a living breathing daughter . He nodded, and found himself following wherever the nurse was taking him. His mind was on override, and he hadn’t even seen her. A door opened, more nurses, and-
He had a daughter. And she was perfect. Oh, god, was she perfect. Perfect, innocent eyes staring right at him, as if she knew. She knew who he was. What he would do for her, what he will do for her. She was his daughter.
“You can hold her.” The nurse who currently had her in their arms had said, and Bucky couldn’t wait to hold her. To feel what the weight of the world felt like in his arms. This girl was his only world, the only soul his heart could beat around.
And, as she blinked up at him, innocent brown eyes, eyelash fluttering over her dark cheeks, Bucky couldn’t help but think of Sam. This was Sam’s daughter. “Oh, angel, oh, you’re perfect.” Bucky muttered, over and over and over, as his eyes burned with tears. “Baby, you’re daddy’s girl, y’know that? I’m nothing compared to you two, you hear me? Sweetheart, you’re gonna be so loved. And I’m gonna lose every argument ‘cause of you. Every single one. Between you and your daddy, there ain’t no way I’m winnin’.” Bucky was alone, still. Had gotten one text he hadn’t answered. In the air, be there soon . But not soon enough, because she was here, she had a beating heart, glossy eyes. But, Sam wasn’t here. And it made Bucky wanna scream. Wanna fall to floor and sob, that Sam wasn’t here. Didn’t get to see beautiful brown eyes looking up at him.
But, he had a tiny, 8 ounce bundle of joy in his arms right now. He had to stay strong, because it was all for her. Everything that Bucky had done was for her. Her eyes searched his face, then the room, as if knowing something was missing, out of place.
“He’s not here yet, baby.” Bucky murmured, bringing his lips to her forehead. “He’ll be here, I promise you that. He’s gonna adore you, honey.” No matter what he said, Bucky couldn’t bring Sam to them.
~~~~~
The jet was shot down . That’s what Bucky wakes up to. At 3 in the morning. Well, that, and his daughter crying. His husband is stranded on the gulf of god knows where, and his child is crying. Those are two very real things. Bucky doesn’t know when Sam is gonna get home, if he’s okay, really. He also has no idea what will make her stop crying. He’s changed her, fed her, rocked her as he walked around the hospital room they were in. Bucky wouldn’t usually pull the avenger card, certainly not at a hospital, but he was desperate, and Sarah Wilson is pretty damn convincing.
He had her close to his chest as she cried, small hiccups rattling through her entire body. And Bucky was panicking. He had stared death in the eye too many times to count, but Bucky had never been so terrified. It may have been the added stress of the fact that Sam was stranded. Their daughter has been alive for about 5 hours, and Sam hasn't seen her once. Hasn’t seen the way her eyes sparkle with the light of a thousand stars. The way she yawned into Bucky’s shoulder, eyelids fluttering closed as she slept. Bucky had maybe squeezed in an hour of sleep before he was woken up, too busy staring at her in pure awe. Sarah had volunteered to stay, but Bucky couldn’t let her do that.
“It's you and me, kiddo, okay? We’re goin’ home tomorrow, I gotta figure this one out.” Bucky spoke softly, no matter how much panic ran through his body right now. She continued to wail, and Bucky could spare some sympathy for the people around them. Ashley, the woman who carried and delivered their daughter, had been lucky enough to be transferred away from the row of panic rooms, as Sarah had called it.
“C’mon sweetheart, I’m not in the mood to get in a shouting match with the people beside us.” Bucky mumbled, her eyes having a hard stare on him, still leaking tears. Bucky tried to dig something up, anything he could think of. A memory, maybe.
“This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Oh, this little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.” Bucky sang softly, digging up the melody from god knows where. He watched as her eyelids grew heavy, until she couldn’t fight it off. Bucky sighed, thanked his ma, and put her down in her bassinet, and sat on the bed beside her, leg bouncy as he stared at the text. The jet was shot down .
You can’t respond to that. Nobody can. You hold your newborn daughter as tight as you can, but there's a chance her brown eyes will never meet those of her fathers. Never got to hear his heartbeat, find comfort in his arms. Stranded isn’t dead. But it’s pretty damn close.
“I’ll be there.”
“You better.”
There was no version of this story that wounded them up in a fairy tale ending. No ending that had the sunset dancing behind them. No, blood crept it’s way onto the pages until the only thing they knew was the metallic truth that not everything gets a forever. Not everything gets a beginning, either.
“Be here, Sammy, please.” Bucky begged. He would take the words of the devil if his words came true.
~~~~~~~
They went home 3 days ago. Bucky heard from Sam 3 days ago. How is she? Sam should know. He should know how his daughter is, how she looks when she’s tired, when she’s happy, when she’s about to cry. But he doesn’t. And, Bucky is done being resentful about it. He’s resentful at whatever cruel person has written in between the lines of their love story, making it so Sam lives danger to danger, risk to risk. Making it so that each day passes that Bucky looks at the door as he feeds his child. His child, that doesn’t have a name yet. He and Sam never got to pick.
Sam took the mission a week ago, thinking it’d be a one and done. Bucky mourns the time when he thought the same thing. He hasn’t slept for over a week, and he had always thought he could run off little to no sleep, but this kid has a thing against sleep when it really matters. His daughter lies in his arms, as Bucky props himself up against the arm of the couch, his eyes closed.
Keys jiggle in the door.
Sam .
Bucky’s eyes fly open, and move to go put his daughter back in her bassinet he has set up beside the couch before Sam can even get through the door. When Bucky turns around, he finds Sam, still clad in his suit. He looks exhausted, he looks like he might pass out any minute, but Bucky’s practically running to him, holding him tighter than he ever has. He feels the familiarity of Sam’s arms wrapped around him.
“Don’t you dare do that again.” Bucky said into his shoulder. “Don’t pull that again, Sam, I thought-”
“Baby, I’m right here.” Sam murmured, running a hand up and down his back, determined to never let go. “I’m so sorry, Bucky. I shouldn’t have taken that mission, I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.”
“No, what I said, I was out of line. It doesn’t matter now, you’re here, Sam.” Bucky sighed. “You’re both here.” Bucky’s grip loosens, finding Sam’s hand, guiding him over to the bassinet. He grabbed her from the bassinet careful as to not wake her up, watching as Sam’s face lit up in awe. Bucky couldn’t help but grin, feeling tears sting his eyes. “Meet your daughter, Sam.”
“Jesus Christ Bucky, she’s perfect.” Sam murmured, his brown eyes locked on her, as he wiped under his eyes.
“I know.” Bucky mumbled, breathing out a laugh. “I’ve been talkin’ you up for days, don’t you disappoint, Sammy.” Sam breathed out a laugh, watched as she slowly opened her eyes, and of course, the crying, and wailing, and general distress began. “Oh, honey, I know, the outside world is a scary place.” Bucky cooed, causing Sam to roll his eyes.
“I’m gonna go shower, please tell me you have food in that fridge.”
“‘Course I do.” Sam grinned, pressed his lips to Bucky’s temple, sparing one more look at his daughter before he bounded off into the direction of the bathroom.”
~~~~~~~~~
To feel your own daughter's weight is to feel every moment of sorrow, of love, of pure innocence, of pure agony. It’s to feel what she could be, what she could do, and what can you do to pave a way for her to get there. To hold your daughter is to hold the galaxy in one hand, and think to yourself how will this perfect beginning blossom into what is more than life or death itself. What she already is to Sam. How will the beautiful red rose grow around the fire just the light the world on fire. And what would you do to make sure she stays away from the blazing war. Sam’s pretty sure he would burn the entire world to the ground just to keep this home standing. To keep this family standing.
“We’re parents, you know.” Bucky said as they sat on the couch, their daughter in Sam’s arms. Sam grinned, resting his head against Bucky’s shoulder.
“I know. To a nameless child.” Sam mused, causing Bucky to roll his eyes.
“I was thinking about that, actually. I, uh, I was thinking Darlene Rebecca Wilson-Barnes.” Sam smiled, his vision getting blurry.
“That’s her name.” Sam agreed. “That’s our daughter's name, Buck.” Bucky laughed, a little tearfully, gazing at both his daughter and his husband.
“I love you both, so much.” Bucky murmured, voice drenched in emotion.
Sam sniffled, taking a deep breath. “We love you, too.” Sam said against his shoulder, Darlene held close to his chest.
As he really got to see her, hold her close to his chest in bandaged but not broken arms. Bucky’s hoodie stretched over Sam’s chest, and Bucky couldn’t find a better picture. “Hi.” Sam murmured, his voice warbled and heavy with emotion as she cooed back at him, and Sam felt as if he was just dust in the wind, leaves in fall, as she stared at him, and there was nothing Sam could do but smile, hold her as tight as he could, never letting go. This was his world. No symbol, no mantle, no fight could amount to his daughter. His daughter . “Oh, darling you’re gonna be so loved.”
And they sat there, the 3 of them marking the beginning of something new. A chapter to be written in beauty and love and family, no longer blood and guilt that had been the title pages years before. It was new. It was perfect. If the rays of sunlight that came with this family were paid in blood, Sam would take it a thousand times, if only he could have a thousand moments just like this one.