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To a Selfish Bastard I Once Knew,
To Vincent,
It’s been three years since I’ve received your letter. It’s been more than three since you’ve been gone.
I quit Valorant shortly after Sage gave me your last words. I think I regret moving on from the crew. The Protocol was something you and I had in common. I’d be a fucking liar if I said that I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t. Really. I didn’t. I wanted to stay. But the thought of passing by your room knowing that there is nobody there left me sick.
When I departed, I went to look for you. I thought you lied. You are a liar after all. You promised to come back. I visited Santa Fe. During summer, too. You were right. It is hot as fuck. Many animals. I met a couple of elks too. One of them was five feet tall. I’m not kidding. I tried calling it. Libre, right? I think it responded. But it could’ve been my imagination. It was too hot and I had a fever at the time.
I didn’t find you. I spent several months there. Was able to lurk into Fracture. It got worse over the years. I almost got killed by a piece of some stupid machinery. It reminded me of the time we went there together to clean up your mess. You just stood there like a deer in headlights, staring at the collider. You mentioned something about a plan you have. I didn’t care at the time. And I regret not asking more questions. Maybe if I did, you’d still be alive.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. There is nobody to send this letter to. I would give it to your mother but I can’t look her in the eyes. After Santa Fe I left for France. Found her, told her about the bet like you asked. She didn’t say anything at first, only chuckled. Then she cried. There was a lot of cursing that I didn’t understand. But what I was able to decipher was, “Vincent knew that I lose all my bets”. After that, we talked for hours. I showed her the brooch. She stared at it for a second. Then asked me if I opened it. I didn’t even fucking try, to be honest. She laughed, saying that it was one of your riddles again. I was confused. But then she opened it. A ring, huh? A fucking ring.
I left Colmar a week after. She insisted I stayed but I… I couldn’t. Maybe I should’ve. But I ran. I tried to run away as far as I could. Everything and everyone around me reminded me of you. I was sick for days, weeks, months. I was terrified. Terrified of accepting that you died. And that I would never see you again. I ran. I’m a coward, aren’t I?
I spent another year searching for you. You vanished into thin air. Sometimes, when I haven’t slept for days, I thought I was lucid dreaming. I laid there, on wet rocks, somewhere in the woods of Cibola, staring at the night sky. It was all a blur. I thought to myself, “Another hour and the alarm will go off”. I thought, “Another hour and he will wake me up”. I was wrong. And it made me even angrier. You know I hate being wrong.
You told me to not beat myself up over this but I can’t. I fucking can’t, alright? I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve made you stay. I should’ve been by your side. I should’ve. But I… I fucked up. Again. Just like I did years ago. It’s my fault. It is my fault, Vincent.
I was desperate and obsessed with the idea of bringing you back for a while. Almost a year, I think. I went through the dimensions. Hundreds of them, if not thousands. I couldn’t find you. No trace. As if you never existed to begin with. But you did. Because I still to this day remember your hands on mine. I still remember your loud laugh. I still remember the smell of your cologne. It always made me sneeze. I still think I’m allergic to pine trees because of it. I think you told me it’s called “Christmas tree syndrome” or some shit. I don’t remember. I wish I would.
Right now I’m in Aokigahara. I have some people I know in Fuefuki, they gave me a ride to the forest. It’s dusk. The moon is beautiful, just like you said. Sometimes I like to think that you’re out there looking at it too.
After I’m done here, I’ll go back to America. I’ve kept in touch with Sage. I hate to say it but the dimensional travel took a toll on me. I told her about random nose bleeds. And my scars— there are so many now. Some of them don’t close. I stitched them before but no luck. She sounded concerned. By concerned I mean she was upset. Really upset. She scolded me. Can you imagine? I guess I have no choice but to go back to the States for a bit. If I want to live, that is.
But I won’t stop looking for you. You are a liar after all, right? You’re probably hiding somewhere, just like you did back in Russia during our Icebox deployment. We spent a solid three hours trying to find your hideout. But of course, by the time we did, you were already gone. I remember being upset with you for a while. And I also remember that it was the time when you promised me to visit France together. Although you’re a liar, you keep your promises. At least you’ve kept all of the ones you and I had. Except for this one, maybe. But I know you. And you know me. Or have I ever known you?
I miss you.
Vincent, I miss you.
Did you fulfill your goal? Was I ever a part of your plan?
I miss you.
Please be alive. I’ll find you. I’ll get to you.
I love you.
We’ve made so many mistakes. I don’t care about the fights. I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. Just come back. Be alive.
I regret not seeing you that day before you left. I regret not saying that I love you. I regret not being by your side. And though I regret many things, the only thing that I don’t have any sorrow over is that I gave my heart to you.
あなたのそばが、私のお気に入りの場所です。
愛してるよ。
Y.