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Merlin was sad. Not the 'ah, I made someone cry by accident and now they're mad at me' kind of sad but the 'this guy I've been in love with for multiple years who I thought reciprocated my feelings married my best friend and is now being blatantly hateful towards me' kind of sad. But whatever, Merlin could handle unrequited love. He could push through it. Anyways, he needed to be strong. Strong people didn't contemplate how sad they were while folding laundry. The laundry needed to be perfect. No use getting distracted and messing up since that would only entail another round of loud shouts and objects thrown at him from Arthur. No, not Arthur. Prince Arthur.
Oh, the shouting. There were no longer quiet, nice conversations in the morning. No small brushes of hands as Merlin made the bed or dressed the Prince. No whispered jokes as they strolled down the corridor to any number of Arthur's meetings. There were only barked orders and snide comments. Merlin did not understand what had gone wrong. Then again, maybe he had just been too comfortable in their "friendship." Or, maybe Arthur knew about his feelings. No matter. Merlin just had to do his job, then he could go home and sleep. Arthur probably wasn't even that mean to him anyway. Merlin was probably just imagining it. He sighed and gathered up the neatly folded clothing into his arms, trotted through the castle corridors for a few minutes before coming to a stop in front of his door, hesitated for a moment, then knocked.
"Come in." Muffled words came through the door. With clothes in one hand, he quietly opened the door with the other. Arthur was sitting at the table, staring intently at his work. A few seconds passed before he bothered to look up. When his eyes met Merlin's, they were cold. Unfriendly. No matter how many times he was greeted with those eyes, the shock still came fresh. Without speaking, Merlin bowed and then padded over to Arthur's dresser to put his clothes away. Merlin was near tears. God, why must he be so emotional? If Arthur spoke to him today, he might explode. He might explode anyway. Having the only person you've ever really loved looking at you with eyes brimming with nothing but disdain was an experience he wouldn't wish upon his worst enemies. He needed to hear Arthur speak. He needed him to look at what he had done to Merlin. He needed to know why.
"Will there be anything else, my lord?" Merlin tripped over his words as those cold, calculating eyes glared at him once again.
"No, you stuttering idiot," Arthur replied, without the tinge of amusement or goodheartedness that used to come with those brutal remarks. Merlin couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't bear being looked at like an enemy. He needed to make Arthur understand that he needed their friendship. That he would do anything to hold onto the way things used to be.
"Arthur," Merlin began.
"I said," Arthur stressed his words as if he was talking to a child. "That that would be all. Are you deft as well as an idiot?" Merlin couldn't comprehend. He wouldn't leave without understanding what had happened, even if it left him burning.
"For your information, I'm neither deft nor dumb," Merlin said quietly, his voice brittle. "I was just going to ask why you seem to hate me so goddamn much." The moment he said those words, he knew he had made a mistake. A terrible, heartbreaking mistake. Who was Merlin to question the actions of Arthur?
"What did you say?" Arthur stood up from his desk. Merlin knew that there was no going back. That, to get what he wanted, he would have to break.
"You used to be my friend. My best friend. My only friend. You used to smile at me! You used to tell me jokes and defend me. Now all you do is tell me that I'm fucking worthless and stare at me with those cold eyes!" Merlin grimaced at how pitiful he sounded.
"I was never your friend. You don't have a single fucking clue what you are talking about." Arthur spat, standing up. "Now get out. I said I didn't need you here! I don't want you anymore."
"Fine. I understand," Merlin bowed. One last time. "And to think I thought I'd be by your side until the end of the line."
"You were wrong then."
"Hah, I guess I was. Goodbye, Prince Arthur," Merlin looked at him, standing defensively at his desk. Then. Merlin turned and walked out the door. One last time. Even before Arthur pushed the blade into his chest, he was ready to bleed. He had known that there was no happy ending. God, what a stupid idea. He left the main castle, pausing only to grab a dagger from his room in the old physician's chamber. Gaius wasn't there, thankfully. There was no need for unnecessary emotions. Merlin knew what he was going to do, and there was no stopping him. He left out of a side gate and trotted into the woods, venturing off the well-worn trails to be better hidden. Harder to find. He didn't want anyone to find him for a good day or two at least. Maybe his magic would be released into the wild of the forest. Maybe it would help and heal, instead of Merlin's tendency to break and burn.
In one hand, he clutched his dagger, which had been a gift from Arthur. He had noticed how Merlin was almost always defenseless during fights and wanted him to be able to defend himself. Arthur had said it was just an extra he had received from a nameless kingdom, but when he had shown it to Gaius, He heard otherwise. Gaius had told him it was from Arthur's grandfather, who had died years prior. Arthur had loved his grandfather to death, and Merlin still wondered why he had received it. Merlin knew that he could accomplish his task with magic, but the dagger felt right. Felt like more of a sacrifice. For Arthur. For his happiness. In the other hand, he held a note. He had written it days prior when yet another person was found dead because of the magic Merlin had nearly failed to correct. He hadn't considered using it at the time, but now it felt right. He was too weak. Too tired of being a source of love and a magnet for hate.
Merlin found a beautiful clearing that had shafts of sunlight streaming down through the bright green, yellow, and orange trees of the fall. He sat down with his back against an old tree, thanked it for its support (Merlin wasn't gonna fuck with the forest magic), and read his note one last time.
Dear Arthur,
I wish I could say I'm sorry about this, but I'm really not. Your life will be so much better off without me. I can feel it. By the time you notice that I am missing -- if you even do -- it will be too late. It is better this way. Before I go, I just need you to know that I loved you. I loved you so fucking much, and for so fucking long. When you married Gwen, I was so confused. I thought you loved me too. Of course, I didn't die because you married her. That would be so very weak. I died because I was hurting you and the people in your kingdom. Arthur. I couldn't save them all. I tried so fucking hard, but I couldn't save them. I'm glad I had the chance to save you though, and that is what matters. You matter. I'm just a servant who thought that maybe I could matter to you. I was wrong and I am sorry. I'm sorry if you knew I loved you and it made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry if you knew my other secret and thought less of me for it. If you didn't, then I guess you can ask Gaius about it. It hardly matters now. Just know it was all for you. I told you that I'd be with you until the end of the line, and here it is.
I loved you Arthur Pendragon, and I know that you are the once and future king. Lead them well.
- Merlin
"This is the way out," He murmured, looking towards the sky. "This is the best choice." The best choice for Arthur. For Camelot. He set the note on the ground beside him, willing the earth to protect it until Arthur had the chance to read it. Willing the earth to tell him what Merlin never had the courage. He picked up the dagger. He turned it in his hands for a few seconds before pressing it into the skin of his right arm. He punctured his forearm deeply, wincing with pain as he dragged the blade all the way down to his wrist. The cut skin started to seep blood, crimson red like a sacrifice. Pausing for a moment, he studied his right arm. It was a gorgeous shade of red. Then, he shifted the knife over to his bleeding arm and made an almost identical cut, if not deeper. He soon became dizzy and light-headed. This was taking longer than he expected it to. He spent his final minutes staring at the clearing around him, feeling magic seep out of him, returning to its home. It caressed his consciousness, pushing the pain away. Finally, he closed his eyes. One last time.
- - -
Arthur knew something wasn't right. Besides his awful actions, of course. Watching Merlin leave with such finality took the air from his lungs. He knew what he was doing was sick, but it was worth it. If Merlin hated him, then Merlin wouldn't get hurt. If Merlin wasn't around him, wasn't the object of Arthur's affections, then Merlin would be safe. So, if the plan looked to be working, then why did Arthur feel like something was terribly wrong? Why did he feel like Merlin was in more danger than before? And to think I thought I'd be by your side until the day I died. Why did that sentence send chills of forboding down his spine? The way Merlin's eyes seemed resigned when Arthur told him that he had been wrong. The way the Hah he uttered sounded so completely final. Arthur stood up and walked to the window, unable to focus on his work. As he looked down at the courtyard a glimmer of gold caught his eye. Magic. In a split second, Arthur's boots were on and he was striding through a corridor on his way down to the street.
"Son?" A voice echoed down the hallway. "Arthur!" Uthur's voice was loud. Arthur turned around slowly.
"Yes, father?"
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" King Uther demanded, though not unkindly.
"Just some errands I need to run," Arthur said quickly. "Knight stuff-"
"Ah, okay. Make sure to make me proud," Uther muttered as he walked away. He was no doubt looking for Morgana, who had promised to shoot arrows with him the previous day. Arthur gave him no response. As he neared the spot where he had seen the glow, Arthur became more and more anxious. What if he had imagined the magic? Then, a line appeared along the ground, leading to the woods. The line seemed to speak to him, whispering about how Merlin was in danger. Asking him if he could feel it. Arthur could feel it, so he followed the line, accepting the risk. If Merlin was in danger, It didn't matter what the stakes were. He was going to save him from whatever he had to, even if it was a trap. Arthur traveled for a while through the woods, first on the main path, then on smaller ones On the smaller footpaths, there was evidence of someone passing through. Eventually, the golden line led him through a tunnel of trees (which were all different colors due to the changing weather) and into a clearing.
"Oh shit," Arthur rushed forward to a body that was shimmering in fresh crimson and gold, looking all around for any signs of an ambush. Any enemies that could have done such a thing to his Merlin. "Merlin," Arthur knelt beside him, testing his pulse. It was barely there. "Oh god, oh god Merlin open your eyes. Look at me please" Arthur ripped pieces of cloth from his shirt tying them tightly around Merlin's clotted arms. "You idiot! Why is this happening?" Arthur was sobbing by now, still looking around for signs of attack. He needed to move Merlin. He needed to get him to Gaius. As he was easing Merlin's body into his arms, a paper caught his eye. His name was written on the front. Maybe the asshole who had done this had left a calling card. He hoped so. He shoved it into his pocket and then lifted Merlin in his arms. He was alarmingly light. Arthur could feel each of Merlin's weak breaths as he carried him. He glanced around one last time at the bed of moss and blood, looking for anything that would give him a clue of what had happened, noticing his grandfather's knife. Covered in blood. He choked back a sob. What did they force him to do?
Arthur ran all the way back to Camelot, stopping only to tell the guards to "let me through, goddammit!". He rushed into the physician's chambers, carrying the nearly dead body of Merlin with him. "Gaius!" Arthur let out a strangled yelp.
"Your highness?" Gaius' voice rang out from somewhere in the room. "Are you alright?" Gaius came into view, paling visibly as he saw Merlin covered in blood. "Oh sweet lord, who did this?"
"I think someone made him do it to himself," Arthur sobbed as he set Merlin down in front of Gaius. "He was- he was just laying there and there was a knife - Can you help him?"
"Calm down, your highness," Arthur took a single shaky breath. "I can help him. He'll be okay in a few days. You should get cleaned up and out of these clothes before Uthur sees you. Plus, helping him isn't going to be pretty. He probably wouldn't want you to see him like this" Arthur glanced at Merlin again.
"Can you send for me as soon as he wakes?"
"Yes, sire." With that promise, Arthur left the room, skirting around guards and servants to get to his own room. When he finally closed and locked the door behind himself, he sank to the floor of his chamber and sobbed. Would Merlin be okay? Would he know that Arthur had saved him? Why was he in the woods in the first place? The only form of answer he had was the note shoved in his pocket. Rifling through his clothes, he grabbed the note. He flipped over the paper and saw his name. In Merlin's handwriting. Had the perpetrators forced Merlin to write the note for them? He quickly broke the seal and read the entire paper, stopping only when the tears blurred his vision. By the time you notice I'm missing -- if you even do -- it will be too late. Oh god. I loved you, Arthur Pendragon. Oh no. If you didn't, then I guess you can ask Gaius about it. Arthur dropped the note and moved towards the door, Merlin's words echoing in his head. Just know that it was all for you. He had killed Merlin. He had done this. He barreled into Gaius' room not three minutes later, sobbing. It was a miracle that no one had seen or stopped him.
"Gaius!" He choked out with absolute despair. Gaius jumped from where he was sitting. "Gaius, tell me what he was hiding." Gaius' eyes widened slightly.
"I don't know what you are-" He cut himself off. "Why are you asking?"
"Because Merlin's fucking suicide note told me to!" Gaius sat down very suddenly.
"His... What?"
"Apparently, Merlin tried to..." Arthur was cut off by his sob, "because I told him..." another sob. "Just tell me his secret."
"He's not going to die, sire. He will wake up."
"Gaius, please, I'm begging you. What was Merlin so afraid of that he would rather die than tell me?" Arthur rushed his words, not wanting to think about the actions of the man lying in front of him. "I promise I won't think badly of him, no matter what it is."
"You swear?" Gaius looked at Merlin's figure.
"On my mother's grave."
"Merlin has magic."
"Wait, that's it?" Arthur laughed mirthlessly. "Are you fucking with me?"
"No, my lord. I wouldn't lie about things of this magnitude. He was born with it. It is his destiny to protect you, and you to protect him."
"I already knew that I thought he knew I knew." Arthur turned his attention to Merlin, who was still unconscious, though now clean and bloodless. There were bandages wrapped around each arm, uniform and sinister. Arthur gently hugged him. "Gaius? Would you mind letting me sit with him for a while?"
"Of course."
As he slumped into the seat now unoccupied by Gaius, he began to whisper. "God, I love you, I love you, I love you so much." He decided he would never lie to Merlin again, consequences be damned. "I never thought that you would love me back, Merlin. I thought I was doing something right." Merlin stirred. "Merlin?" Arthur stood and hovered over him as his eyes fluttered open. Merlin shot up in bed, then groaned in pain.
"Oh god, that hurts," Merlin looked around, disoriented. Then, he looked at Arthur. Arthur looked back, then started crying in earnest. He carefully folded Merlin into his arms, making sure to not put pressure on his arms. Merlin began to breathe short breaths, shivering and leaning into Arthur's touch.
"Shh, it's okay. You're okay. It's all over now. It's all done. I love you and that's all that needs to matter." Arthur traced little circular shapes into Merlin's back.
"You what?" He whispered. Arthur pulled back from their embrace, holding onto Merlin's shoulders.
"I love you, Merlin. I love you so much." Merlin shuddered, glancing down at his arms.
"But I... I'm so weak. You know that. All I do is lie to you. Gaius probably told you about the lies." Merlin wouldn't meet Arthur's eyes.
"Merlin, I've known about your magic for years. I thought we just never needed to talk about it."
"What?" Merlin's eyes widened. "Then why haven't you killed me or something yet?"
"Merlin, I love you. Get it through that brain of yours. And, honestly, it's hurtful that you think that I would kill you. I've been trying to protect you. I know it's sick, but I thought pseudo-marrying Gwen and cutting our interactions down to a minimum would divert the amount of harm that would come your way."
"Does Gwen know that you don't love her?"
"Oh, Merlin, she knows. As a matter of fact, she may or may not have eloped with Morgana. I told her not to tell you and I know now that that was a mistake. I'm so fucking sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness." Arthur had to look away.
"I forgive you."
"You shouldn't."
"Sometimes it's not about whether or not you deserve it, Arthur Pendragon. Sometimes it's purely selfish because I love you too." He gathered Merlin back into a hug and combed a hand through his hair.
"You idiot."
"Dollophead." They repeated meaningless insults until their lips met. The kiss was slow and salty, from the tears. As they broke apart, Arthur grabbed Merlin's chin with a soft guiding hand.
"Merlin, you matter to me. I need you to be by my side until the end of the line."