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“I need you to kiss me.”
Renjun paused mid-stir over the stove, then turned to arch one dark eyebrow at Jaemin.
“I’m sorry, what?”
Jaemin put on his best face, part innocent, part sultry, part sweet, smiling around his lip bite as he slinked toward the oven and into Renjun’s space. He was surprised he let him.
“It’s for science!” Jaemin fiddled with Renjun’s apron—really his apron—with one hand, and clutched the book in his other tighter. Renjun turned the stovetop off and faced him, far more incredulous than a few seconds ago which—dammit. “What?” Jaemin pouted. “Kissing is fun. You haven’t been having any fun lately.”
“Oh, so this totally random request is for me, is it?”
Jaemin noted with interest that Renjun wasn’t exactly running away screaming. He eased a little closer, practically purring as he said in a higher pitch, “It can be.”
Renjun hummed, eyes flicking down to Jaemin’s lips. Oh, this was going to be way easier than Jaemin thought. He’d come to Renjun first because he would be the most humiliating to approach and the hardest to crack, but this—
Renjun circled lithe fingers around his wrist and tugged it up, examining the book in his hand.
“Wait, Jun—“
“Why are you reading romance novels?”
Jaemin spluttered, infuriated that he could feel himself blushing. “They’re from Jeno’s stash!”
“Okay, you know what, not gonna judge you for whatever you enjoy, but why are you going through Jeno’s things when he’s not here?”
“Oh my god, Mom, do I really need to explain to you the lack of boundaries Jen and I have—“
“So why don’t you kiss him?”
Jaemin scoffed. “He’s out of town, duh.” Not to mention, been there, done that.
In fact, he had already kissed two of his members, but Renjun didn’t need to know that.
“What exactly are you trying here, Jaemin?”
Jaemin wiggled his wrist still trapped in Renjun’s grip, flapping the book at him. “This is my third one and they all say weird shit like—like they saw fireworks when they kiss someone.” He did his best to ignore his scorching cheeks. God, he knew it would be humiliating saying all this to Renjun. The others probably wouldn’t ask him many questions. “I wanna see what that’s all about.”
Renjun softened all over, and even his grip turned into something a little tender as he rubbed his thumb along the inside of Jaemin’s wrist. Renjun always was a hopeless romantic buried beneath layers of joking stoicism and loving-to-hate Donghyuck.
“Jaem, you’ve kissed people before.”
“Of course I have.” Jaemin made a face at him. “But I wasn’t paying attention to stuff like this.” He flapped the book again, which made Renjun finally release his wrist. “I’m bored, in the mood to kiss, and curious. Indulge me, Junnie, before I start begging.”
Renjun cocked his brow at him again. “Oh, I’d love to see that, actually.”
“Huang Renjun!”
“Why me?”
Jaemin waved the book like he was swatting at a bug. “You’re first choice, Jun, you should feel honored and leave it at that.”
“Like I don’t know I’m only first choice because your actual first choice is out of town.”
“Oh my god, I don’t want to kiss Jeno that badly. He’s not even that great of a—”
Renjun’s mouth crooked into this little smirk that Jaemin didn’t like one bit. “He’s not the only one out of town right now, is he?”
Jaemin swallowed. Jeno, Chenle, and— “Stop being cryptic and kiss me.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
This time, it was Jaemin who smirked. He tossed his book onto the kitchen island and unabashedly molded himself to Renjun’s front until the tips of their noses were touching.
“You would’ve pushed me away a long time ago.”
“Maybe I’m just leading you on.”
Jaemin slowly shook his head, deliberate in bumping their noses. “We’re both lonely, Renjun. And don’t you wanna shut me up?”
Renjun snorted. “Always.”
“So do it.” Jaemin sucked in a slow breath and slowly slipped his hands onto Renjun’s small hips. “Unless you’re scared.”
“Scared? Of you? I think I’m the only one who isn’t.”
That hurt a little, but Jaemin shoved it aside for later. “Then what are you waiting for?”
“For that begging.” He felt Renjun’s smirk more than he saw it. “Or for you to chicken out.”
“If this is a game of chicken, you’re the one losing. I want a kiss.”
One of Jaemin’s hands trailed up, up, a treacherously slow journey until it was tangling in Renjun’s hair. He was winning, because Renjun’s fingers were grazing the skin above Jaemin’s waistband now and Jaemin wasn’t the only one half-hard between them, like they could both get off on the banter and anticipation alone.
Jaemin sighed, quiet and melting closer as he pitched his voice a little higher again. “Kiss me, Junnie. Please, baby.” Renjun’s fingers tightened on his waist and Jaemin fought back a grin. “We’re so lonely and I want Junnie’s kiss so bad. I know you’ll be the best at it.” Jaemin sighed again, and god he was really laying it on thick but it was working for Renjun because of course it was. “Please, Renjun,” he whispered.
“Fuck, you’re the worst.”
Jaemin grinned, but a response was shocked out of him when Renjun drove his back against the counter and crashed their mouths together. It was mean and uncomfortable, all teeth and no finesse, until Jaemin used his grip on Renjun’s hair to pull him back.
Renjun licked his reddened lips, eyebrows pulling together when Jaemin just looked down at him for a moment. He was so small and attractive it was almost unfair—if Jaemin wasn’t confident in his own appearance—and the passion that bled from him, even now, was admirable.
In another life, Jaemin could undoubtedly love Renjun.
The thought startled him, as invasive as this new need to kiss all of his friends and see if something clicked. But he supposed it was true. Renjun was infuriatingly perfect and they cared deeply for each other despite pretending to not understand each other more often than not. If this was that other life, Renjun’s passion and thigh between Jaemin’s legs would lead them somewhere entirely different than where this was actually going.
But it was this life that Jaemin was living, and he was a little turned on but nothing more, and they both knew it.
“I didn’t ask for death by kiss, you know.”
Renjun laughed like he couldn’t believe what Jaemin was saying, his cheeks going pink. “Maybe you should tone down the provoking, then.”
“You asked me to beg!”
“You didn’t have to actually do it!”
Jaemin mindlessly thumbed at Renjun’s ear. “I know you secretly like it.”
Renjun only hummed and Jaemin met his eyes for a long moment. They were both visibly softening around the edges and still holding each other, still caressing each other.
Jaemin took a minute to acknowledge that maybe he really came to Renjun first because beneath all the teasing and meanness, they really did deeply understand each other.
“Jun,” Jaemin murmured. “Can I have a real kiss?”
Just like that, Renjun softened all the way. He lifted a hand to cup Jaemin’s face and nodded. “Yeah, honey, come here.”
Jaemin melted into him, softly exhaling into Renjun’s waiting, parted lips, welcoming the immediate feeling of Renjun’s tongue against his despite the surprise Jaemin was getting this much at all.
When Renjun wasn’t trying to devour him, he was a gentle, attentive kisser. He never stopped stroking Jaemin’s face with his thumb, or massaging Jaemin’s hip with his other, and he only hummed, smiling a little when Jaemin pressed closer, softly scratching his nails down Renjun’s scalp.
Jaemin’s stomach did a little half-somersault, pleased with the affection and acceptance, but there was nothing more.
He sighed, and when their tongues were back in their respective mouths, Jaemin leaned in for two more soft pecks.
“Well?” Renjun asked. He let go of Jaemin’s face but not Jaemin altogether, brows raised as he waited.
Jaemin huffed and pinched Renjun’s cheek before slipping away from him.
“Sorry, Junnie.” He snatched his book from the counter and ignored Renjun’s annoyed grumble. “I guess fiction is fiction for a reason.”
=======
Jaemin had hoped one failed attempt at seeing alleged fireworks because of a kiss would be enough to snuff out the need to keep trying, but he was nothing if not stubborn.
He gave it a couple of days to make sure he still wanted to try, to make sure things weren’t weird with Renjun, and to consume another romance novel. But he was still exactly where he’d been the day he kissed Renjun.
He wanted to understand. He wanted to feel what these characters in these stories felt.
He contemplated which of his two groupmates still in the city and country he wanted to try with next, and ultimately decided to venture from his own dorm for now. Jisung would be a trial for another day.
It was late when Jaemin stepped out of the shower, towel-drying his hair as he checked on Daegal, who they were watching while Chenle was on vacation with his family, and searched for a quick snack in the kitchen. He settled on one of his leftover slices of cake, sitting on the counter facing the open living room as he ate.
The apartment was dim and filled with the sound of soft music, two different songs from two different rooms. It was peaceful in a way it usually wasn’t; it was always far too loud or far too quiet because everyone was hanging out or everyone had their headphones plugged in to lessen the noise pollution.
Jaemin ate the last bite of his cake and flicked his gaze to the pink light spilling from beneath Jisung’s door. He shook his head. Another day.
He threw out the cake container and washed his fork, then grabbed a couple of water bottles from the fridge and made his way toward the front door. It was now or never.
It wasn’t a long trek to the 127 dorms, but the weird nervousness he couldn’t shake made it seem much longer. Luckily, most of the members seemed to be out or locked away in their rooms, so he managed to slip in unnoticed with Mark’s keypad code.
Jaemin found he was also lucky Donghyuck was alone—he really hadn’t thought this visit through—when he was ushered in with a distracted affirmation after Jaemin knocked. He quietly slipped inside. Donghyuck’s room was reminiscent of Jisung’s, only instead of being bathed in pink light, it was blue.
Jaemin’s heart leapt into his throat unprovoked when he saw Donghyuck sitting at his desk, a lamp shining on him, and a familiar face on his computer screen.
“Hyung?” Jaemin cheekily drawled. The word and tone fell out of him as he functioned on auto-pilot, like he was on camera, ignoring whatever was brewing in his gut.
“Jaemin!!!”
Jaemin laughed, concerned with the overwhelming emotion welling up in him and threatening to spill over. He blinked away the burning in his eyes and turned the wattage of his grin up a few notches. He tossed the water bottles on Donghyuck’s bed and leaned over Donghyuck’s slumped back, arms wrapping around his neck, and peered into the screen.
Mark was freshly showered too, dark hair dripping wet and skin aglow.
“Hi hyung,” Jaemin murmured. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”
Mark giggled, the sound zipping straight to Jaemin’s heart. “Likewise, Jaeminnie.”
Jaemin couldn’t stop his pout. “Come home already.”
Mark’s grin softened, and Jaemin didn’t dare think it was suddenly a little wobbly. “Soon, baby. So soon.”
“I know,” Jaemin whispered. Silence fell as they stared at one another, drinking each other in maybe.
Donghyuck, as he was wont to do, snapped the tension.
“Okaaay, anyway!” he shrugged Jaemin off his shoulders and held up his arms before Jaemin even reared back to hit him. “Try that, Mark, and let me know if you still can’t get into the game.” Jaemin leaned back into the frame, next to Donghyuck’s chair now.
“Thanks, Hyuck. You’re gonna play, right?”
Donghyuck glanced at Jaemin. “Yeah. Later though. I’ll ping you.”
“‘Kay. See ya.” Mark’s gaze shifted to Jaemin, slowly sliding upward. Jaemin chewed on his cheek, suddenly noticing the breeze on his thighs beneath the slightly-short shorts he’d thrown on. “Later, Jaemin.”
“Night night, hyung.”
“Bye, babe. Bye, Hyuck.”
The call disconnected and Donghyuck swiveled in his chair, making Jaemin back up a step. “God, you guys are gross.”
Jaemin made a face at him. “You’re gross.”
“Real mature, Minnie, I applaud you.” Donghyuck clapped three times and Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Seriously, why is he the only one that gets away with talking to you like, I dunno, your boyfriend?” The last word was drawn out, an overdone teasing edge, and Jaemin scoffed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Soon, baby. Bye, babe.” Donghyuck gagged. “If I talked to you like that you’d hit me.”
“You do talk to me like that!”
“And you do hit me! See? I’m right.”
Jaemin laughed and shook his head. “Whatever. Am I keeping you from playing? I can leave.”
“Nah, not really. We didn’t plan to play tonight. Mark just had some unexpected free time. Besides…” Donghyuck cut off his desk lamp, leaving only the blue light drowning the room. He joined Jaemin on the bed.
“Besides…?”
“Renjun said you would ask me for a favor. I figured that’s why you’re here.”
“He didn’t tell you what?”
“Nah. Just said to be open-minded and listen to you, so, I’m all ears, young grasshopper.”
Jaemin shoved his shoulder, but he was touched. “It’s not that big of a deal.” He scooted until they were fully facing each other, knees touching, legs crossed. “I’m just...running an experiment, I guess.”
Donghyuck looked rightly skeptical. “An experiment?”
“A fun one! That benefits us all.” Jaemin put on his best grin. “I want kisses.”
For a moment, Donghyuck didn’t say anything. Then, he burst out laughing, the little shit.
“Oh my god, you’re serious?!” Donghyuck gasped for breath, wiping at his eyes and clearly making a visible effort to take him a little more seriously. Jaemin’s ego was already bruised though. “Oh man, Minnie, that’s not what I expected.”
Jaemin huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Jaemin, Minnie, come on.” Donghyuck giggled and tugged at Jaemin’s wrists until they were uncrossed. “I’m sorry but you cannot blame me for laughing, oh my god—” He waved his hands between them when Jaemin made a move to leave. “You just caught me off guard! Renjunnie had me all worried thinking something serious was going on—“
“This is serious,” Jaemin pouted, though Donghyuck’s initial concern still was touching. “I’m just trying to see something.”
Donghyuck wiped his eyes again, voice trembling with residual giggles. “So you’re just asking people to kiss you?”
“Yes?” Jaemin shrugged. “Not just people. You guys. Because I trust you.”
That actually seemed to soften Donghyuck a bit. “This isn’t a sexuality thing, right? Because I thought you…”
Jaemin shook his head, reeling in the urge to snark. “No. Still bi.” Donghyuck didn’t need to know that Jaemin had done exactly this to figure out if he liked boys back when he was a teenager, only with Jeno. That even Mark had done the same thing with Jaemin not long after. He really didn’t need questions swirling about his sexuality now that they were all in a comfy place of knowing these things about each other.
“So what is it?” Donghyuck asked.
Jaemin shrugged again. “I just read about something, and I’m trying to see if it’s true.”
“Something that happens when you kiss?”
Jaemin nodded. “Besides, when’s the last time you kissed someone, anyway? Kissing is just fun. Especially with friends.”
Donghyuck quirked a brow at that. “Spoken like a guy who does that often.”
Jaemin shrugged. “Perhaps.”
“Oh my god, I knew you and Jeno fuck around a bunch!”
“Honestly thought everyone knew.” Jaemin waved him off. He had never tried to hide his casual relationship with Jeno. The other member he had kissed, however... No one but Jeno knew about that. “Come on, Hyuck, I’m dying here.”
Donghyuck narrowed his eyes in contemplation. “We’re talking about the Jeno thing later.” He sighed. “It has been a while…”
Jaemin knew. He remembered the trainee Donghyuck had been seeing on and off. He hadn’t seen him now in months.
“Renjun kissed you? Our Renjun?”
Jaemin only grinned. Donghyuck sighed.
“Sure. Why the hell not?”
“Excellent.” Jaemin giggled and reached one hand for Donghyuck’s face, sliding his thumb across his cheek and drawing him closer. “C’mere, Hyuckie.”
“Ugh, don’t try to be all suave—also, you’re telling me literally everything about Jeno and Renjun for this, actually—“
They were laughing when they finally fell into one another, which was Jaemin’s favorite kind of kiss, closing his smile into an easy press against Donghyuck’s soft lips.
There was no tongue this time around, just the comfortable tilt of their heads and press of their mouths, again and again and again.
“It’s kinda weird, Minnie.”
Jaemin hummed, bumping their noses and not letting go of Donghyuck’s face just yet. “You wanna stop?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Jaemin laughed and dove back in.
It was fun, but there were still no fireworks.
=======
The sun was just starting to set a week later when Jaemin, restless, wandered right into Jisung’s room.
He let himself in, too familiar still, having shared a room with Jisung for so long. It was daytime, so there was no pink light, which was at least easier on Jaemin’s eyes. He stepped around a couple of dog toys and met Jisung’s tired eyes with a soft smile.
“Hi, hyung.”
Jaemin stalled, distracting himself with Daegal sleeping in one of her many soft beds scattered throughout the dorm. Even she seemed to be absorbing the lazy atmosphere, just lying there beneath the gray light peeking through the blinds and soaking in the soft strums of Jisung’s guitar. Her tail wagged when she saw Jaemin crouch down to pet her, but otherwise she waited.
Jisung sighed. “She’s been so sad today,” he said. “I think she really misses everyone.”
Jaemin frowned at her as he gently pet her. Jisung was probably right. After Chenle himself and his parents, Daegal probably saw Mark and Jeno the most. With all of them being gone, it was no doubt a lot.
“That makes two of us, baby,” he murmured. She licked his wrist and he leaned all the way down to kiss her head.
When he stood back up and faced the bed, Jisung was looking at him funny, fingers still plucking at his guitar.
“What?” Jaemin anxiously smoothed down the front of his shirt.
“Nothing. Did you need something, hyung?”
“What? I can’t just stop by to visit my favorite dongsaeng?”
Jisung squinted. “No offense, hyung, but it’s not like you.”
Jaemin scoffed and climbed onto the bed with him. He was careful as he sidled up to Jisung, not wanting to disrupt or spook him when he wrapped his arms around his waist and nestled his head on his shoulder, picking at Jisung’s loose, white t-shirt. Jisung leaned into the embrace a bit, and kept playing music.
They stayed like that, Jisung playing and singing and Jaemin singing and drifting, until the sun went down enough that the room was cast in more darkness than light and Jisung had to turn his bedside lamp on. It jostled Jaemin enough to wake him a bit, and he yawned into Jisung’s shoulder.
“Singing me to sleep,” Jaemin murmured. “How cute.”
Jisung giggled this adorable, high-pitched sound as he shook his head. “We haven’t done this in a long time, hyung. It’s nice.”
Jaemin hummed. “We haven’t, right? It’s harder when we don’t live in the same room.”
Jisung only hummed in response, transitioning into a new song.
“I heard what you said you know,” he said after a moment. “To Daegal.”
Jaemin blinked unconsciousness away again and bit his cheek. “I’m allowed to miss the others.”
“Yeah, but I feel like you miss—“
“Would you kiss me if I asked?”
Silence descended over the room as the last dregs of sunlight slipped away, Jisung’s blunt nails scratching across his guitar strings as he stopped playing.
“No strings attached,” Jaemin continued. “Just for fun. Just once.”
Jisung strummed his guitar one more time before breaking into another fit of giggles. “Jaemin hyung, what even…“
Jaemin sat up but didn’t let go of him, flashing his best pout. “I’m serious.”
“Come on.” The giggles didn’t stop, but Jisung looked a little terrified, avoiding eye contact. “Stop messing with me.”
For a moment, Jaemin wondered if he was screwing up. He’d been a little worried certainly, but more because Jisung was new to accepting that things like this were okay. He didn’t consider the way Donghyuck and Jeno used to tease Jaemin when they were younger, because Jisung was always so nervous around him. Everyone thought he had a crush. He acted a lot like this, giggly and shy. But he dodged physical affection like it was a disease.
He’d just admired Jaemin as a hyung, and was intimidated by his open affection, that was all, Jaemin had told their friends.
No, Jaemin reasoned. Jisung didn’t have a thing for Jaemin, not anymore at least. His giggles and heart-eyes had been increasingly reserved for Chenle lately, so Jaemin was pretty sure this was pure nervousness.
He clicked his tongue. “I’m not messing with you, baby. I’m bored and kissing is fun!” He made a snap decision to add, “Renjun and Hyuck kissed me.”
Jisung’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. “You’re lying! Renjun hyung?”
“Yep. You should hang with us more often. We have lots of fun.” Jaemin winked.
“Hyung!”
Jaemin grinned. “I’m kidding. They were just bored enough to indulge me. I’m asking everyone, don’t worry.”
Jisung still looked bewildered. “Even when the others get back?”
Jaemin shrugged and nodded.
“Even Mark hyung?”
Jaemin’s smile tightened. “He’s part of everyone, isn’t he?”
That, for some reason, made Jisung narrow his eyes. “I’ll do it if you swear you’re asking everyone.”
“I just told you—“
“No chickening out with certain people.”
“Jisung, this was my idea!”
Finally, Jisung’s eyes stopped being suspicious and he nodded once. “Fine. I’ll do it.”
“It’s no fun when you make it sound like I’m forcing you.” Jaemin pouted.
Jisung made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan, tilting his head back like he needed help from the heavens. Jaemin bit back his grin as Jisung propped his guitar against the side of the bed.
“I’m an adult,” Jisung finally said. “I can make decisions for myself.”
Jaemin hummed. “I also need you to think really hard about whether you’re going to be weird about it afterwards or not.”
“I’m not!” Jisung sat up straighter, a determined set to his mouth. “I can handle a kiss, hyung, what the heck. Lay it on me!”
Jaemin pursed his lips to hold in his laugh, but his shoulders shook anyway. “Cute.”
He didn’t move from where he’d been since he got there, only lifting the arm around Jisung’s stomach to cup his cheek and direct his face closer. Jaemin watched the bravado falter in the twitch of his lips and eyebrows.
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to, hyung. I haven’t—“ Jisung sighed. “Just do it.”
Jaemin blinked, backing up an inch. “You’ve kissed someone before, right?”
Faint red spread over Jisung’s nose and cheeks. “Yes.”
Jaemin waited.
“It’s just been a long time! Stop treating me like I’m gonna break.”
Before either of them could change their minds, Jaemin closed the distance, planting one slow kiss against Jisung’s chapped, incredibly non-responsive lips. Jaemin sighed but stayed close enough that Jisung could kiss him if he really wanted, gently bumping their noses. He waited.
Jisung broke into another fit of nervous giggles. It was a weirdly vivid reminder of what it had been like to kiss teenaged Mark Lee.
Jaemin groaned and let him go, falling back to the pillows with a huff. Jisung apologized but kept laughing and Jaemin couldn’t help but crack a smile. He shook his head.
Maybe this experiment was useless.
=======
Jaemin did an impressive job withholding his excitement over Jeno’s return, if he did say so himself.
In fact, it lasted an entire twenty minutes after Jeno retired to his room for the night after spending over an hour sharing him with the others. Jaemin had truly reached a new level of selfless.
He crashed into Jeno’s bed, plopping half on top of him and making them both groan and laugh as Jeno fumbled for the switch on the lamp on his nightstand and flicked it on.
The room was a little sad and blank, as they had only recently moved into separate rooms before Jeno went on vacation. The people SM had hired to move their things had reassembled the beds and larger shelves, had placed their nightstands next to the beds, but otherwise everything was still boxes and blank walls. The exception was that Jaemin had folded and put away his clothes, and unpacked his bedside lamp and all of his books and put them on the bookshelf by the door for him. If Jaemin was reading them now, he needed easy access after all.
“Ah, Nana, I would’ve been so lonely without you.”
“Sarcasm is ugly on you, Lee Jeno.”
Jeno laughed and the sound flooded Jaemin’s belly with swooping affection. He’d missed Jeno so much.
“I’m serious!” Jeno swore. “Of course I’m happy to have my own room again and stuff, but I’m going to miss you, y’know?”
“I’m not dying, Jen,” Jaemin whined.
“You’re right, I’m going to miss you making my bed every day more.”
Jaemin squawked and slapped Jeno’s chest before they both melted into laughter again. Jaemin nestled his head into the crook of Jeno’s neck, sighing when fingers carded through his hair.
He was on the edge of sleep when Jeno said, “Hyuck told me what you’re doing, y’know.”
Jaemin snorted. “I didn’t tell Hyuck exactly what I was doing.”
“No, but you told Renjun.”
“Renjun told you.” Jaemin sighed. What a bunch of gossips.
Jeno hummed confirmation but otherwise met him with silence. It made Jaemin squirm.
He pouted and propped himself on his elbow, annoyed when Jeno looked both expectant and a little smug. “So will you kiss me, then?” Jaemin asked. “It’s for science, after all.”
Jeno snorted. “Because we’re so not familiar with kissing each other already.”
“You’re the one who brought it up! I wasn’t going to ask.”
“Because you knew I’d see right through you if you did.”
Jaemin pitched his voice higher and mimicked him.
Jeno rolled his eyes. “You know you can’t force this, right?” At Jaemin’s quirked eyebrow, he continued, “The feeling you’re looking for.”
“Oh yeah?” Jaemin hated that he sounded a little mean, like a petty how would you know? You’re just as lonely as I am. Because even if he didn’t complete the thought out loud, Jeno always knew what he was thinking.
“I have an ex-girlfriend, you know.” Jeno shrugged, and Jaemin frowned.
He remembered. They were seventeen and it was someone Jeno had grown up with. Jaemin had met her a few times, but otherwise Jeno didn’t really talk about it. They’d dated for a year, but when they broke up, Jeno didn’t seem all that shaken up about it. It had mystified Jaemin at the time, who accepted Jeno’s request to mess around again with open arms. He wondered now if Jeno was better at hiding his feelings than Jaemin ever thought.
“I know I didn’t talk to you much about it, it’s like the only thing we never talked about, but I…I loved her. Probably still do.” Jeno squinted at the ceiling. “I read those books because yeah, they’re fucking cheesy sometimes but I always felt kind of cheesy around her. I always felt that spark. The books just remind me of the feeling. I don’t really have the time to feel that here, so…” He gestured to the bookshelf.
Jaemin fell to the bed with a huff, staring at a spot on the white ceiling until he couldn’t see it anymore. None of them had time to feel that here, to seek out and develop relationships outside of work. The only exception would be…
“You know this is all leading up to you kissing Mark hyung, right?” Jeno gently clapped his hand on Jaemin’s thigh. “The big event, if you will. What you’ve always wanted.”
“Stop reading me like an open book.”
“You’re my favorite open book to read though.” Jeno grinned in his peripheral. “Seriously, Nana. You’ve never said it to me, but I know you. You’ve wanted to kiss him again since the first time. You told me how terrible of a kiss it was but you’ve never stopped thinking about it.”
Jeno wasn’t wrong. Mark had come to Jaemin more nervous and awkward than ever when Jaemin was fifteen and Mark was sixteen. He had kissed a girl finally, and he had liked it, but sometimes he still found himself admiring Johnny hyung, or Jaehyun hyung, and even—he had cut himself off before saying the third person, and it had always haunted Jaemin. Jeno assumed Mark was going to say Jaemin. Jaemin wasn’t so sure, because why wouldn’t Mark hyung just tell him?
Instead, he propositioned Jaemin for a kiss, because it was way too embarrassing to ask the hyungs and he trusted Jaemin maybe more than anyone. He wanted to see if it felt the same as kissing that random trainee girl.
Jaemin had figured, why the hell not? Jeno had just done him this very same favor, and Mark hyung was one of his cutest friends. Jaemin would be winning on a cosmic level of karma, and a personal level of indulging in cute things.
Mark had stammered and laughed way too much, hands clammy where they awkwardly grasped at Jaemin. He used far too much tongue to be comfortable, and when Jaemin took his face in his hands and tried to slow it down, make it better for both of them, Mark burst into tears.
What am I gonna do, dude? I think I liked that more than kissing a girl. The hyungs are always saying shit like this can ruin your career. What do I do?
Maybe it’s just because you know me! Jaemin had tried. Maybe it’s just more fun that way, that’s all.
Mark had blinked up at him with his wide, tearful eyes with something indiscernible swimming in them, and Jaemin remembered not knowing what came over him when he dipped down for another kiss, and another.
Get the hyungs voices out of your head, hyung, Jaemin had whispered against Mark’s mouth. It’s okay to like boys. It’s okay to like both.
“Nana.”
Jaemin blinked and found Jeno hovering over him, stroking his face.
“You’re thinking about it,” Jeno chuckled. “Sometimes I think it was a better kiss than you let on.”
“It was…sweet.”
They both laughed, and Jeno slipped soothing fingers into Jaemin’s hair.
“Nana, Just because I don’t feel like there’s time to date around in our career, doesn’t mean it’s exactly true for everyone, you know?” Jeno bit his lip. “I always thought it’d be way easier to just…fall in love with a co-worker.”
Jaemin cleared his throat, ignoring the quick swoosh of what if in his gut. “Maybe. Um.” He slipped a hand onto Jeno’s shoulder. “Now that you’ve psychoanalyzed the hell out of me…wanna kiss anyway?”
Jeno laughed and nodded, so Jaemin grinned and tugged him down, swallowing down Jeno’s surprised noise with eagerness.
They giggled and rolled around, kissing each other until they were worked up enough to get off, and kissing again until nothing was left but their exhaustion, easing them to sleep in each other’s arms.
Jaemin did his best not to feel entirely hopeless, but figured at least if things didn’t work out with Mark, he would always have Jeno. Most days, that was enough.
=======
“No.”
Jaemin sputtered, kicking his feet in the air behind him. He brought his phone closer to his face to make sure Chenle and his stupid face could see his incredulity.
“Good morning to you too!” Jaemin scoffed. “See if I let you see your daughter now.”
“Jisung already let me talk to her.” Chenle rolled his eyes. “Anyway, what do you want me to do, hyung? Kiss the camera of my phone?”
“I’m going to murder Huang Renjun.”
Chenle rolled his eyes again. “Like he started this.”
“You know what? As a group, I think we gossip entirely too much—“
“Yeah, yeah.” Chenle shook his head, but his tiny smile eased a little of Jaemin’s tension. “It’s kinda cute, hyung. But you still can’t kiss me. Even when I’m back.”
Jaemin sneered at him before sighing. “Believe it or not, that’s why I actually called. What’s this about you coming back later now?”
Chenle shrugged, a little sadness coloring his eyes. “One of my aunts got wind that we were here and demanded we stay longer to spend time with her.”
“That’s dumb.”
Chenle laughed. “It’s just an extra week, I guess. I miss you, too, weirdo.”
Jaemin frowned. “I don’t miss you at all, though.”
“Right, sure, hyung. I’m so wounded, blah, blah, blah. Don’t bring that mouth near me when I’m back, got it?”
Chenle hung up. Jaemin rolled onto his back and groaned.
=======
“Yo yo yo!”
The words—and the goofy, high-pitched laugh that followed—exploded over the practice room and rained down on Jaemin like confetti. A grin that felt like relief stretched his mouth as he stood from rummaging through his bag and set his eyes on one Mark Lee.
An ache he only realized now, that he’d harbored for the one, excruciatingly long month of Mark’s vacation, immediately soothed. God, one month was far too long.
“Jaeminnie!” Mark laughed again, like maybe he was also bubbling over with relief. He raked his fingers through his hair and Jaemin couldn’t help but admire him.
His gaze naturally drifted across Mark’s handsome face, down the span of his neck and the line of his shoulders. He was wearing a dark t-shirt that hugged his frame a little beautifully and he was glowing, skin darkened by the sun and happiness just—radiant like it always was.
“Hey you,” Jaemin said. He glanced at Giselle shouldering her backpack on, and Mark followed his gaze.
“Hey!” He partially bowed to her. “How have you been?”
Giselle smiled at her feet like she was in on an inside joke. “Hi, Mark. I’ve been great! How was Canada?”
“So good, man. I had so much fun.” He reached Jaemin and they clasped hands and bumped chests and let go. A tease of a greeting.
“Glad to be back, though?” Giselle asked and that knowing grin was aimed at Jaemin now. He made a face at her.
Mark drifted into his space, as natural as breathing, voice warm as he said, “So glad.”
“Good.” Giselle hiked her backpack more comfortably onto her shoulders and waved. “Well I’ll let you guys catch up. See you later!”
“Bye!” Mark said at the same time Jaemin said, “Thanks for dancing with me today.”
She smiled again over her shoulder as she walked out, and carefully shut the door behind her.
Five seconds passed—Jaemin counted—of him staring at the door, waiting for it to open again. When he cut his eyes to Mark, he was already looking at him, this soft expression on his face that made Jaemin ache in an entirely new way.
God, he’d missed him.
“Hi,” Jaemin said.
“Hi.”
Mark stepped up to him, and wrapping his arms around Mark’s neck, falling into his embrace, was like coming home.
“You’re home,” Jaemin breathed and pressed his face into Mark’s neck. He wondered if Mark knew the double meaning behind his words.
Mark’s arms slid around his waist, warm and tight and comforting. His nose was in Jaemin’s hair. “I’m home, Jaeminnie.” He hummed. “Aah, I missed you, dude!”
“I missed you, t—“ Jaemin shrieked as he was lifted from the ground, the sound melting into laughter when Mark spun him in a few clumsy circles.
Jaemin kicked his legs back and caught blurry glimpses of his pink face and grin in the mirrors, hanging on for dear life.
When Mark stopped, he didn’t let Jaemin go, falling back into their normal embrace.
“Missed these hugs, hyung,” Jaemin murmured. No one ever gave hugs quite as full and warm as Mark did.
“Missed you,” Mark muttered and sighed. “Thought you’d be at the dorms when I got back.”
Guilt squeezed Jaemin’s heart. He’d planned on being there, part of the welcome wagon, and then something had made him freeze up at the idea. Had made him bolt for the practice rooms at the last minute.
Giselle wanted to work on a collaboration, Mark would understand; it was the only time Giselle was free. He’d ignored the other’s protests as he ran out the door with a change of clothes in his bag.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” Jaemin squeezed him a little. “Giselle really wanted to work on this and it was the only time she could this week.”
“‘S okay.” Mark hummed again. “We’re here now.”
Jaemin sighed. “Yeah, yeah, we are.”
He pulled back, but found he only did, only could, because there was no socially acceptable reason to keep holding onto each other like this. He wanted to keep hugging Mark, holding Mark, and that wasn’t normal, whether the world knew Mark and Jaemin had giant soft spots for each other or not.
But they never really had been normal.
“Gahhh—“ Mark made a noise that was probably his own version of a roar and hiked Jaemin up by his waist, manhandling him, carrying him across the room before Jaemin could do anything but shriek and smack his shoulder.
Even more sudden was the way Mark plopped onto the studio couch and left no room for discussion about Jaemin being sideways on his lap. His arms fell naturally around Mark’s neck for lack of anywhere better to go, and for the first time possibly ever, Jaemin avoided eye contact. This wasn’t their normal. This was something he did with Jeno, or even that Jeno did with Mark. But for Jaemin and Mark, it had always been an unspeakable line that neither of them had crossed.
He cleared his throat, ignoring the prickles creeping up his spine.
“You know, hyung, rumor has it my legs are so strong, I can even use them to walk.”
Mark giggled and his big, sparkling brown eyes captured Jaemin’s when they hit the overhead lights just right. Jaemin—Jaemin was a goner.
“So I heard something…” Mark said after a moment of Jaemin being dumbfounded.
He blinked down at Mark, ears warming under his soft stare and the easy way he played with Jaemin’s shirt. “Oh yeah?” Jaemin asked.
Mark nodded. “Junnie told me about your…experiment.”
Oh no. Oh no.
“And…”
“And, well…” Mark tilted his head. “Are you like, gonna ask me?”
Jaemin choked. He was going to murder Renjun. “Ask you what?”
“For a kiss.”
“Mark—”
“Oh come on, man, don’t be like that.”
Jaemin frowned, chewing hard enough on his cheek that he tasted copper. “Like what?”
“Like…” Mark faltered. “Like it’s weird to ask...me…”
Jaemin blinked. His stomach turned.
“I want you to ask me, Jaemin.”
You don’t know what you want, Jaemin decided not to say. There were a hundred other things he should have said too. The experiment was a bust, actually, or even, especially, we shouldn’t risk being seen here.
But then he saw his fingers touch Mark’s cheek like someone else entirely was doing it, and Mark was pink with determination, his eyes shiny like he might start crying.
So Jaemin asked him.
“Will you kiss me, Mark Lee?” and his fingers traced Mark’s slowly parting lips as he waited for the gentle nod of confirmation.
Jaemin nodded back and closed the distance, not doing much more than pressing their mouths together. His heart pounded in his chest anyway, skin prickling with warmth when Mark’s hands spread along his back, when Mark relaxed beneath him instead of tensing like Jaemin worried would maybe happen, like it had when they were teenagers and experimenting.
Jaemin pulled away, devastated at the slow way Mark unpuckered his lips, opened his eyes.
Sniffling once, Jaemin got one foot on the floor to leave before Mark tightened his grip and yanked him back. Jaemin yelped, but the sound disappeared with a hiccup when Mark slid his hand onto Jaemin’s cheek, so warm and inviting.
“Jaemin…”
Jaemin opened his mouth, then closed it again. Mark shook his head and drew him right back in.
They didn’t collide at warp speed like Jaemin had sometimes fantasized about—the rare moments he’d allowed himself. It was slow, deep, and damp the moment Mark parted his lips for Jaemin’s tongue. They were completely lost in the lush push and pull, the gentle bites and the heady exhales.
Mark had gotten monumentally better at this over the last six years.
Jaemin pressed closer to tamp the somersaults his stomach was doing, sliding his fingers through Mark’s hair, down his neck. He pretended not to shiver when Mark’s hand slipped beneath his shirt, setting Jaemin’s skin ablaze.
He couldn’t think of anything but more, more, please, Mark, and kissed Mark’s sweet, sweet mouth until he had no oxygen left, until dots filled his vision. A warning sign that he needed to breathe.
“Oh—“ he gasped as he pulled away. He almost indulged Mark when he coveted another kiss, but he had to let the realization sink in.
Dots. Fireworks.
Jaemin laughed. Fucking fireworks.
“Is that…” Mark firmly blinked his wide eyes three times and cleared his throat. “Is that, uhh, how the other kisses went?”
Jaemin licked his bottom lip and watched Mark watch it happen. “No.” None of them had even come close. He slid his fingers down Mark’s cheek and dragged their noses together. The relief was palpable.
“Was it better than when we were fifteen?”
Jaemin dragged his fingertips along Mark’s scalp and whispered, “You tell me, Mark Lee.”
Mark kissed him again, slow and reverent and absolutely consuming.
“Renjun said you were looking for something—“ Mark muttered right into Jaemin’s mouth. “Have you found it yet?”
Affection rushed through Jaemin’s chest like an answer, bubbling up until he was kissing Mark again, and again, until he knew the last thing he wanted to do was stop.
Until he knew this was what would happen all along if they had ever let it.
“Yeah, baby,” he whispered, “I have.”
Mark took a deep breath that gently jostled Jaemin against him. He tilted his head, back and to the side. “Is…is it me?”
Jaemin took a moment, darting his eyes over Mark’s handsome face and continuing to comb his fingers through Mark’s hair. All the affection over the years, the touches, the reliance, the drunken almost-somethings. Sneaking into each others’ beds to cuddle, even when they were filming for work and weren’t supposed to. Facetiming and eating together in the middle of the night because their internal clocks were so fucked yet always in sync.
“And if I say yes?”
A grin stretched Mark’s mouth. “I am like, literally begging for it to be me, so.”
Jaemin buried his face in his hands and laughed until Mark tugged his wrists away. When Jaemin dared to look at him, he would be hard-pressed to ever look away again.
Mark chewed on his lip before he whispered, “I’ve been begging for it to be me since we were kids.”
Jaemin took Mark’s face in his hands, dripping in disbelief. “Since we kissed? You too?”
“Since we kissed, dude. I…” Mark shook his head. “I feel like I fell in love with you that very second. And I never stopped, Jaemin.” Jaemin crashed into him with an earth-shattering kiss, Mark barely managing to mutter again, “Baby, I never stopped.”
“Me too. Me too.” With tremendous strength, Jaemin managed to pull away. “We should get—we have to get out of here, hyung. Before someone sees us. Before…” Before we reach the point of no return.
Mark, a little breathless, hummed. “Only if we get to do a lot more of this.”
“That’s…” Jaemin’s face was on fire. “That’s why…we should get out of here.”
“No, like…forever.”
Jaemin’s heart swelled, but being so flustered scrambled his brain-to-mouth filter until he was deflecting instead of reciprocating his sentiment. “Are you asking me to marry you? Honestly, Mark hyung, we’re so young—“
Mark laughed and the sound was addicting on a normal day, but there was something inherently more resonating when it was pressed into Jaemin’s teeth in the middle of a half-kiss. He fell into it, arms slipping around Mark’s neck, eyes sliding shut as they molded together more perfectly than Jaemin ever thought possible.
“I’m asking you to let this mean something,” Mark whispered.
“Mark…”
“I know it won’t be easy or whatever because of work but Jaemin, you’re all I think about. If you want this, I want this.”
Jaemin did, he always had, and at the rate his heart was expanding out of his chest, he always would.
He nodded. “You made me see fireworks.”
That, more than anything Jaemin had ever witnessed, lit Mark up like the sun emerging from the clouds.
“For me, it’s…” Mark mindlessly nudged their noses while he thought. “You make me dizzy, y’know?”
“Oh?”
Mark’s mouth slowly stretched into a lopsided grin. “I’ve read Jeno’s books too. You make me feel all of it.”
“Oh my god, when did you read his books—“ Jaemin crashed back into Mark, shocking a noise from him mid-kiss.
Mark said, “I always snatched them when you were sleeping or out. I wanted…I wanted them to explain how I felt about you.”
Jaemin whined. “Why are you so honest?”
He hopped off of Mark’s lap and dragged him out of the studio, drunk on the sound of Mark’s giggles behind him.
=======
The book in Jaemin’s hands slipped from his grip as the last word on the last page filtered through his mind, and maybe it was the re-read of the romance novel that started Jaemin on this journey making him extra sappy, but he thought there was only one person who could time this moment so perfectly.
Mark fit himself between Jaemin’s legs and set the book on the counter next to him, branding his smile against Jaemin’s neck. He exhaled when Jaemin inhaled, nose and fingers buried deep in Mark’s damp hair. It wasn’t lost on Jaemin that they’d seen each other a few hours ago when they’d woken up in Jaemin’s bed, before afternoon errands and lunch and showers. It wasn’t lost on him that it was ridiculous to have missed Mark this much in so little time, that this feeling of utter completeness was a dangerous one at best.
But after hours of discussing the logistics and their feelings, and after two days in Jaemin’s bed of barely parting long enough to breathe, Jaemin no longer cared about the danger. He no longer wanted to hide from the way Mark had made him feel maybe even from the moment they met nearly a decade ago.
“Hi,” Mark muttered.
Jaemin hummed. “Hi. You smell good.”
“Mmm…no, you.”
Jaemin only laughed, pressing his lips against Mark’s ear, his sideburn, his cheek, until they were bumping noses and kissing with the ease of well-practiced lovers. A chill crawled up Jaemin’s spine, right from where Mark’s hands slid along Jaemin’s bare thighs, fingers catching on his shorts.
“The kitchen counter,” Mark muttered, “would be kinda hot.”
Shaking his head with a quick grin, Jaemin nipped at Mark’s bottom lip. “In another life where I don’t care about the cleanliness of kitchens, baby.” He hummed when Mark’s hand fully slipped into his shorts, fingers digging into the flesh of his ass. “Where we don’t share our apartments with the others—“
Mark grazed his teeth down Jaemin’s neck, making his breath catch. He struggled to remember his next meeting or schedule, so he could tell Mark to stop or keep going, until Mark was sucking a bruise into the crook of his neck and it felt so good Jaemin didn’t care anymore.
“Maybe—“ Jaemin shuddered and locked his ankles behind Mark. “Maybe one day when the others aren’t on their way back when we—“
Mark groaned. “Jaeminnie. Your room. Now.”
Jaemin giggled and shook his head, pulling Mark’s face up to meet his. “Kiss me a little more? Just like this.” He tried not to melt when Mark immediately went from frustrated to dreamy-eyed, chewing on his lip as he stared at Jaemin like he was one of the few wonders of the world. Jaemin pet his cheek as he leaned back in. “Adorable.”
Mark allowed half a kiss before he had to call Jaemin cute back. Jaemin pressed their grins together.
It never took them long when the goal was only kissing to get completely lost in it. To fall so deeply into each other they didn’t know the way out. Jaemin was addicted.
His tongue was in Mark’s mouth and he was just starting to see the telltale dots of not enough oxygen when he heard a groan that came from neither of them.
“Seriously?!”
Jaemin huffed and gently held Mark’s cheek, giving him one more soft kiss before turning to look at Jisung. It earned them another ugh before Jisung was walking away with his hands over his ears like Jaemin and Mark were going to start moaning any second.
Jaemin laughed and shifted his eyes to Renjun and Jeno instead, the former standing there with a stern brow and his arms crossed over his chest. Jeno just looked proud.
“The kitchen? Really, Jaemin?” Renjun asked.
Jaemin grinned. “You know what? It’s karma for telling everyone about my experiment before I could.”
“I was trying to help!”
Mark nudged his nose against Jaemin’s cheek like an affectionate kitten. “I think it worked out for us, though?”
Jaemin’s smile softened and he turned back to Mark, nodding and bumping their noses. “Yeah, baby, it did.”
“Wait, this isn’t part of—?”
Jaemin looked at Renjun, watched him cycle through the emotions; annoyance, confusion, wonder, realization, happiness. Jeno winked and gave them a thumbs up and backed away toward his room. He had already gotten the play-by-play from Jaemin via text.
“Oh,” Renjun murmured. His smile looked relieved. “Finally.”
Jaemin blinked. “Finally?”
“You always call me a hopeless romantic.” Renjun shrugged. “I’ve been rooting for you guys from the beginning.”
Jaemin cleared his throat. “Well it doesn’t change the fact that you messed with the experiment!”
Mark and Renjun both grinned because they knew he was deflecting, and Renjun shook his head. “I told the others to ease them into the idea. I didn’t tell Jisung because I didn’t want to spook him.”
Jaemin and Mark both nodded in concession.
Renjun continued, “And I only told Mark because you ran away, and I knew you wouldn’t ask him yourself.”
“I would’ve!”
Renjun rolled his eyes. “Sure.” He sighed and Jaemin distinctly recognized him putting his Serious Face on. “I know you’re the leader, Mark hyung, but do we need to talk about the risks here? With our career?”
Jaemin and Mark both shook their heads. They’d talked themselves exhausted about it already.
Renjun nodded and offered them a small smile. “Do you want me, or, us to go with you to talk to the company when you’re ready?”
Mark looked to Jaemin, but Jaemin didn’t break eye contact with Renjun. He took a deep breath and blindly wrapped his arms around Mark’s neck.
“Yes. Please.”
Renjun walked up to them, touching each of their cheeks. “Of course. We’re all here for you both, always, okay?”
They nodded, and really, Jaemin should have expected the cruel way Renjun grabbed both their ears and pulled but they still yelped in surprise anyway.
“Now get out of my kitchen!”
“Excuse me!” Jaemin said. “It’s my kitchen!”
"Junnie—“ Mark whined as he contorted his way out of Renjun’s grip and dragged Jaemin with him by the hand.
Jaemin let it happen, quickly finding his balance when his feet hit the floor and touching Renjun’s cheek right back. “Thank you,” he mouthed, and it was worth seeing Renjun go all soft for.
They shared a smile before Jaemin scurried to cover the distance between himself and Mark and leapt onto his back, drawing giggles from both of them as he hugged and kissed Mark’s neck.
Jaemin turned back to the kitchen once and grinned to himself. Renjun was picking up Jaemin’s forgotten novel and inspecting it.
Jaemin could only hope it helped Renjun the way it had helped him.