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It wasn’t uncommon for Erwin’s grave, ever since it was placed there, to be constantly vandalized by people who’d lost their loved ones under Erwin’s command. Though some saw him as a hero, it was far from a consensus. So it was no surprise to Levi as he approached the one place he could still be close to the person he longed for the most that he saw someone else there seemingly ruining his lover’s final place of rest.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Levi shouted from afar. He could usually let it slide, but not today, not today. Not after going back to Shiganshina and retrieving his remains. Not after having to endure a memorial to Erwin that just proved how no one had truly known him. Not after having been judged by all those people who had never cared for Erwin, only the commander.
“Cleaning it” answered, to his shock, a calm voice.
Getting closer to the grave, Levi realized who it was. Marie. Nile’s wife. Erwin’s first love or whatever. Great. Just what he needed after having had a little altercation with Nile at Erwin’s memorial. Fuck Nile. Fuck them all. He would not apologize for his choice, no matter how many had come to hate him for it. He wondered if she hated him too, after all she was the one that came the closest to occupying the place Levi had had in Erwin’s heart. It didn’t matter. He was just so tired. If she wanted to yell at him. Fine. If she wanted to punch him. Fine. He didn’t care. Actually, he’d welcome the pain.
“Are you going to stand there all night? I could use some help.” She said, removing him from his thoughts. Right, of course. As if she could clean it properly. Levi was suddenly filled with jealousy and even a tiny bit of anger. That was his place. His responsibility. There would be no grave to clean if it weren’t for him, he should be the one to care for it. End of story. So, he just mumbled a yes and forced his increasingly tired body to move.
As he approached he could see her better. Marie was still as beautiful as she’d always been, auburn hair with dazzling hazel eyes and delicate features that were sure to entice most people. What Levi failed to consider as he got close was that now she could see him better too.
“What happened to you?” She asked, seemingly concerned. Your stupid husband, he wanted to scream.
“Nothing that’s of your concern.” He replied instead. There was no point telling her just so she could explain to him how right Nile had been in his words and actions against Levi.
“Right, any chance my idiot husband had a hand in this?” He just stared at her. “Yeah, that’s what I thought… here.” She said as she offered Levi a piece of cloth. He assumed that was her way of telling him to start cleaning so he got closer to her and picked it up, but as he threatened to start cleaning, she clarified “For your injuries, Levi. You’re bleeding.” Was he? He hadn’t noticed.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine, this is more important, let me help.” I have to help. This is my fault.
“It’s fine. I’ll finish it, just take care of that face.” Why was she doing this? Why was she helping him? He decided it would be better to just do as she said. He wouldn’t want his blood to further desecrate the grave. If she couldn’t get it right, he’d finish the job himself. It was fine. As he took the cloth to his face, cringing a little when he pressed it against a wound on his forehead, he stared at her slowly removing the red paint tarnishing the grave. Why couldn’t they let Erwin rest? Couldn’t he, at least, be granted peace in death? He focused on the way red stained the once white cloth. The bigger the stain got, the more Levi could make out Erwin’s name engraved on the stone.
“I’m almost done.” She added to the silence. “Then I’ll leave you two alone.”
“It’s fine. I’m sure you didn’t come here just to clean -“ The words felt stuck on his throat, but it was true. She probably wanted some alone time with a long lost friend. Levi should respect that. Especially given that she’d probably come before, seen what had been done to the grave, gone back to get some cleaning equipment and then came back deep in the night to clean it. It bothered Levi somewhat that she’d be willing to do that much. But he recognized that she deserved time alone with Erwin if that’s what she wanted.
“I’ve had plenty of time with him. It’s alright, Captain.” She said quietly as she finished removing the last of the red. It looked as if it had never been desecrated, yet Levi couldn’t help but wonder if he could’ve done a better job. He supposed, in a way, it felt good that someone else cared enough to do that, but it also hurt, because someone else had cared and still cared that much about Erwin. The person, not the Commander. And Levi had robbed them of Erwin. He realized she’d turned her head to face him once more.
“What?” He questioned, using all of his will power to not let his frustrations show. Her stare reached an intensity that almost reminded him of Erwin’s as she uttered words Levi never thought he’d hear.
“Just - Thank you for bringing him home. And for, well, taking care of him all those years.” Marie said softly, her voice was trembling slightly and tears formed in her eyes, but there was no doubt her words had been truthful.
Out of everything she could’ve said, Levi did not expect that. He had never ever expected someone to be grateful for anything regarding Erwin and no one had ever been. More like the opposite really. How could anyone understand their relationship? Much less why he had allowed the person he had loved the most to die… How fucked up did the world have to be for that to make sense? And it did make sense. It had to. Sure the kids had, in their way, shown gratitude to him, but it was for saving Armin, not for Erwin, which was fine. Hange had been placed as commander and had lost at once two people who were extremely close to her, one as a direct consequence of Levi’s actions, so even if she didn’t question him directly, she hadn’t thanked him either, which was fine. Everyone else seemed to think he’d doomed humanity, which was fine. Levi understood all of them.
This, however, was the first time someone seemed genuinely grateful for something he’d done for Erwin after Shiganshina. Levi didn’t know how to feel about that. He supposed it was easier to be hated when it came to his choice.
Levi realized she had kept her gaze on him, her eyes were full of understanding, not a flash of anger to be seen in them. Could she truly understand why he had done it? Why he had had let Erwin go? He wasn’t quite sure what to respond. What he did know was that his eyes burnt with unshared tears as the silence stretched on. He didn’t usually mind the quiet, yet this one felt suffocating.
“I - what?” Was all he could muster.
“Thank you for bringing him home and for taking care of him.” Marie repeated herself. Yeah, he’d heard it right.
“Sure. It was the least I-” Levi switched gears to professional. Easier. If he’d let even a little emotion pour, he wasn’t sure it would ever stop.
“Don’t - don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act all professional. Please. Not after -“ she cut herself as her voice began to falter, Marie took a deep breath and faced the clean stone once again before carrying on. “For what it matters, I’m sorry.” Sorry for what? “The way everyone treated you. It wasn’t right. You were grieving too.” Marie completed without him having to ask. She was perceptive. Of fucking course she was, Erwin wouldn’t simply have been drawn to her by looks. “They never understood why you did it, did they?”
“But you do?” He hissed before being able to control his emotions. What the fuck do you know? She offered him a shy smile. Could it be? Please, understand. Please, don’t understand. He didn’t know what was worse. He feared knowing that there was someone who understood Erwin enough to understand Levi’s decision would be too much to bear.
“Maybe it’s not my place.” It’s not. “But it was an act of love, wasn’t it?”
Love? There was a frightening implication in her words. Their relationship had been a secret, could Erwin have told her? The thought shook him to his core.
“He didn’t have to tell me. I could tell.” She answered without him having to ask.
“What?”
“When Erwin talked about you, there was a spark in his eyes. A spark that was only there when he mentioned his dreams. Wasn’t too hard to do the math.” The lump in Levi’s throat grew stronger. He was lost for words. Erwin talked about him? He didn’t even know they had been in touch. Thinking better he realized that Marie probably went to all those formal get together garrison events Levi hated. When he didn’t reply, she carried on, albeit seemingly more hesitant than before. “Can I ask you something?”
“I - yes.” Why did he say yes? Fuck. She kept staring at Erwin’s name as she asked the one question not even he knew properly how to answer.
“Did he suffer? In the end.” Fuck, fuck, fuck fucking fuck. Why did she have to ask that… just thinking about it - Fuck. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” She probably realized that it had struck a chord with Levi. Stop being so nice, his mind screamed at her. She had given him an out of the question, but he felt she deserved an explanation. She had been late in the night cleaning Erwin’s grave. Answering that was the least he could do.
“He-“ But how could Levi even explain it? There was just so much.
“You don’t have to answer. It’s okay. Sorry I asked. I just hoped he didn’t have to suffer in his last moments. Stupid, I know. Don’t bother answering -”
“I - it’s alright. He seemed at peace with dying when he went to -”
“Charge against the Beast Titan.” She finished for him when he choked on his own words. He wondered how much she already knew about what happened that day.
“I was the one who told him to - to lead the recruits and I promised I’d kill the Beast Titan. I couldn’t keep that promise. Not yet, but I will.” He added that last part completely unprompted, but he had to say it, to make sure she understood Erwin wasn’t gone for nothing. He hadn’t even properly answered her question yet. The words had just come out before he even had realized.
“Levi, it’s alright.” She hesitantly placed a hand on his right shoulder. Almost as if saying that he could stop. He didn’t have to go there. But he couldn’t stop. He didn’t even acknowledge that she had called him Levi, not Captain. It didn’t matter that much… After Erwin died the title of Captain felt hollow.
“When he actually died it was on a roof, he was delusional. I’m not sure how much he understood of what was going on. I -” He flinched at the thought and she removed her hand from his shoulder, probably assuming it was a reaction to the touch and, in a way, it was.
“It’s okay, Levi.” Once again using his first name. Somehow, that helped ground him. He wondered if she’d realized it herself or if Erwin had been the one to tell her the ins and outs of Levi. For some reason the idea Erwin talked about him so often she’d known him that well felt devastating.
“You can say more, if you want. But you don’t have to, it’s alright. I already got my answer.” She added as his mind spiraled.
“I wanted to choose him, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was going to, I was going to inject the serum and then he started mumbling, probably hallucinating, about if there were people beyond the wall.” He heard a gasp, she didn't know that part. Almost no one did, really. Only him and Hange. “I couldn´t bring him back. Fuck, I asked him not to go to the mission. He wouldn’t listen.”
“Erwin, sometimes, became so obstinate he couldn't see anything past his goals. There was nothing you could´ve done for him to stay -”
“I told him I´d break his legs, I should've -”
“Erwin had expected for that opportunity since he was child, he was always so inquisitive. I don’t think he would’ve forgiven himself if he had stayed behind.” She was quiet for a second as if gathering courage to continue. “I read the reports”. Of course she had. Certainly it had been Nile to give them to her. “Without his sacrifice none of you would’ve made it to the basement.”
She was right, he knew that they wouldn’t have. The beast Titan would’ve killed them all and then gone for Eren, probably. They would’ve lost everything. But then again if Erwin had stayed behind, even if they had all died he might’ve been able to figure something out. Fuck.
“Probably… but if Erwin had stayed, if he were still here then maybe -” He hadn’t realized he’d started speaking his thoughts out loud.
“Don’t go there. If he’d stayed, the mission would’ve most likely failed. All of you would probably have died and not even Erwin could predict everything you learnt in that basement. We’d have been defenseless against the world and without all of our good soldiers. We’d be as good as dead. There was no other way.” Was she trying to convince him or herself? He didn’t want to face her anymore. “Levi, look at me.” He did as Marie asked, looking up to meet compassionate eyes. “There was nothing you could have done.” Except there might have been, if only he had distracted the beast while Erwin escaped. Maybe. Just maybe he could still be here.
“I didn't put everything in the reports.” He mumbled.
“What?” He had hoped she hadn't heard it.
“Before he told me the his suicide plan, I had told him of another plan.” Here it goes. “I thought I could distract the beast Titan and he could make for an escape for it with as many recruits as possible -“
“Do you think it would’ve worked?” Marie interrupted, seemingly still processing another scenario of how things could’ve played out.
“Probably not, but maybe, I don’t know. Not really. Erwin was so quick to discard that plan… it was stupid. Forget it.” he tried in vain to read her expressions. Knowing there might have been another way made it worse. Maybe Erwin could be here instead of him. It would be better for everyone. Certainly.
“And he only said anything about the charge after you told him of your plan?”
“Yes.” His voice was basically a whisper at this point. He wasn't sure of what he had expected by sharing that… he hadn't told it to anyone but Hange, what he definitely did not expect was for a small chuckle to escape Marie's lips.
“What you chuckling at?” The fuck was she thinking? Was it bitterness?
“Sorry. It's just uhm - I always figured if there was one thing that Erwin would be able to put above his dream that would be you.” Levi felt a small tear sliding down his face. “Guess I was right in the end.”
“No!” Levi exclaimed, raising his voice for the first time. “I told him to stay behind, he chose not to. He chose to go.” Bitterness coming through in his words. “He chose -” to leave me was left unsaid. Levi looked down, unable to be in the moment anymore.
“The way I see it, he put his dream above his life, your love for him and even your emotions, but not above your life. He’d rather die without achieving his dreams to give you a better chance than trying to escape knowing you wouldn’t make it.” Deep down Levi knew that, but it was not a truth he felt ready to confront.
“He'd have done that for anyone. He was a self-sacrificing bastard.”
“We both know that's not true. It wasn´t the first time he put your well being above the mission, was it?” She was right, when he’d hurt his leg, Erwin had benched him, almost at the cost of the whole mission and at the cost of his arm and countless soldiers.
“So maybe my plan could’ve worked.”
“This is not what I’m getting at, Levi.” She looked up to him as if asking if it were okay for her to refer to him on a first name basis. She’d done it before, but that was to comfort him, yet now she was asking for his explicit permission; he managed to give a small nod. “It’s probably selfish of me to say this, but if only one of you could come back, I’m glad it was you. If you had died, Erwin would’ve died with you. Or, at least, whatever part of Erwin and not the commander that still lived, would’ve. He deserved better than to become the thing he fought his whole life against.” Levi felt as if his heart was breaking all over again. “It’s okay.” She said calmly and gently, he hadn’t realized his breathing had sped up. “If it matters, I would’ve made the same choice as you.” His eyes widened as she explained. “I’m a mom Levi, even if Erwin had been full of life and will to keep going, I don’t think I could ever save an adult over a child, no matter who it was.”
Levi chuckled bitterly “That was not why I-“ She didn’t get it. “ I wasn’t going to save that boy. When I heard that Erwin was alive… I almost did - I didn’t even think about the kid at first.”
“But then you changed your mind?”
“Yes.” He replied dryly, he wasn’t going to explain it. Maybe he didn’t have to. All he knew was that he wished to never have to talk about it. Marie once again chuckled light in response and proceeded by gently placing a hand on Erwin’s grave and caressing it slightly. She leaned closer and mumbled something he couldn’t figure out and then started picking up her stuff, probably to leave. He began to wonder if things would’ve been different if Erwin had been the one to marry her. By all standards she seemed perfect for him.
“Marie?” Levi said before realizing.
“Yes?” She looked at him understandingly.
“Do you regret? Not being with Erwin?” She gave him a small smile and answered without hesitation.
“No. What we had was very short lived. I cared for him, loved him even, but we quickly realized we were better off as just friends. Even if we had stayed together, I don’t think we would’ve been happy together. Except for you, he always did love his dream more than anything and anyone else.” She didn’t give him a chance to argue as she pressed on. “Nile was the one I fell in love with and I don’t regret building a family with him for a single second. I love him and my children more than anything in the world, I wouldn’t change it for anything.” Levi is left speechless.
“You know, Erwin wrote me letters under Nile’s name.”
“What?” Where had that come from?
“I knew it wasn’t him, I didn’t appreciate the lying, but it was funny seeing Erwin trying to write like Nile. He was good, but not good enough and the face he made when I confronted him was priceless.” Not for the first time, Levi wishes he had met Erwin a little earlier. Though that did sound like something Erwin would do, Levi had almost never seen that side of him. He could almost imagine an inexperienced Erwin flushing after being caught. He chuckled slightly at the thought.
“Sometimes I think Erwin only did that to make sure Nile and I would end up together. I always hated how he believed he knew what was best for everyone else.” Levi huffed at how true her words were. “He distanced himself from us after joining the corps. We still saw him, but it wasn’t the same… If he thought he was protecting us, it was the opposite.” A little bitterness came through her voice. “I knew and Nile knew that a career in the corps didn’t usually amount to a long life. And then he became commander… I always knew he’d go first. I wish we’d spend more time together. Nile does too. He regrets so much when it comes to Erwin and I’m sorry he took that out on you.” Levi waved his hand as if to dismiss her. “Still, it wasn’t right.” It was quiet for a second before she started talking again.
“You know I saw Erwin very few times after Nile and I got married. He distanced himself from us and I let him. That’s something I’ll regret forever.” Regret, that word again. It really wasn’t easy to live without regrets. Marie may not regret the choices that led to her family, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing she doesn’t regret. Levi realized Erwin seemed to be a well of regret for so many people… he wondered himself if he’d live to regret the choice, so far he hadn’t, but what if one day the empty space on his side becomes too much?
Marie carried on talking, she clearly needed to let it out and Levi was there, he could be a good listener when he wanted to. Also, if she’s talking then she isn’t making him talk about it. Still, for all the reasons he could make out to subject himself to this, the one that truly mattered was that he was getting to know more about the man he had loved, he still loved and always would.
“Last time I saw him was right after he lost his arm.” Levi hadn’t known that. “I visited him once, before that whole mess with the government and I don’t know what it was about seeing him then, but I think that was the day I started grieving him even though he was still here…” Levi wishes to say that he couldn’t comprehend that emotion, but he could. Almost too well. “After that I found out I was pregnant and then I never saw him again.” She looked down as tears started falling. Levi wasn’t sure of what to say.
“We named him after Erwin.” Levi’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect that. He knew that her, Erwin and Nile had been good friends, but the depth that friendship had run had been foreign to Levi until this moment. He felt increasingly guilty. Levi knew that Marie had given birth shortly after they returned from Shiganshina, he now wondered if she already knew when her baby was born or not.
“Marie, I” what was there to say?
“If you’re going to apologize, don’t.” He wasn’t, was he? “You made the best choices you could under those circumstances. His life was not your responsibility.” But it was, his mind supplied. “I'm not going to tell you not to dwell on it, because it’s probably impossible not to, but don’t let it paralyze you.” After that she finally stood up to leave.
“I better be going now. Thank you for this.” Words seemed to have escaped him so he just nodded. Marie didn’t seem bothered by his lack of response. She stood up and started walking off. Levi moved places slightly so that he could fully face the stone. He then heard her footsteps stop and turned around to see she had stopped a few meters away from him.
“Levi?” She said hesitantly without facing him.
“Yes?“
“Don’t follow him. Not this time.”
He didn’t know what to reply so he just went back to facing the stone. After a couple seconds he heard her walking off again, once again undeterred by his lack of a response. He placed his forehead on the stone as tears began to fall without his consent.
“I wish it were that easy.”