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There was one thing that Remus was one-hundred percent certain of in this exact second: this was not his fault.
Except it absolutely, definitely was and Remus had no idea how the fuck he was supposed to fix it.
It had started off as a joke, right? Thomas and Joan had gotten into one of their back and forth bantering quarrels. The insult of ‘baby’ being thrown back and forth wasn’t an unusual occurrence.
Except this time, maybe Thomas was overthinking. Maybe this time the others were doing their stupid, dumb, existential crisis bullshit.
Except this time, Remus had popped up into the mindscape, ready to have some fun, and instead of a quintet of groaning sides, there was just a group of… weird… squealing… babies?
“Ooh, Jesus,” Remus said. “Nope.”
Remus sank out.
That was not his problem. Absolutely not. One hundred percent no. No way. Never in a million years.
Remus stared blankly at his floor.
What the hell was going on?
And of course, the universe wasn’t about to give Remus even a chance to work through that question.
There was a sharp spike in his chest, and the world abruptly disappeared. Remus blinked, finding himself in Thomas’ living room.
“Oh, thank god,” Thomas said the moment he saw Remus which – excuse him, what? When had Thomas ever once been happy – no, relieved – to see Remus? “One of you finally came.”
Remus opened his mouth.
“No,” Thomas interrupted, shaking his head. “Nope. Stop. No – no time for that. This is Serious Talk Time right now.”
Remus closed his mouth.
Thomas fidgeted with his hands, looking like he wanted to tear into a stress ball and spew stuffing all over the floor.
“What is going on?” Thomas blurted.
Remus blinked, because, did Thomas really expect Remus to know? He didn’t give Remus a chance to answer, barrelling on without preamble.
“I have been feeling so off and I don’t know what it is. I’m not anxious or emotional or – or anything out of the ordinary. I just feel wrong, and none of the others have been answering my calls and I’m so confused and I – I just… hoped… maybe you would know?”
Remus shifted his weight. “Uh.”
“Do you?” Thomas asked when Remus didn’t say anything else, still wringing his hands. “Know?”
“Uhh,” said Remus. “Maaaybe?”
“Oh, good,” Thomas breathed, but hesitated when Remus didn’t look particularly comforted. “That’s… Is that good?”
“Maaaybe not..?” Remus asked.
Thomas’ face was twisted in unease and disbelief. Remus opened his mouth, then closed it. He chewed on his bottom lip, searching for anything to look at other than Thomas’ horrified face.
“Uh, but let’s not worry about that!” Remus said, clapping his hands. Thomas jumped at the sudden break in silence. “How about finally ordering that vibrator, eh? You’ve got to have something to entertain yourself with until you get to fourth base with Nico!”
And just like a switch, Thomas jolted, completely caught off guard. He immediately shook like a bobblehead.
“No!” he cried, and Remus made a show of sighing heavily. “Remus, this isn’t the time! What’s going on with the others?”
Remus didn’t really know what was wrong with himself. When had he ever hesitated to tell Thomas an ugly truth?
“Whatever it is…” Thomas trailed off. Remus tilted his head. Thomas sighed, and hugged himself. He didn’t say anything.
Remus felt distinctly wrong-footed in the silent room. He’d never been around Thomas alone in such quiet before. What was he supposed to do? How did the others do it? When they weren’t wailing little demons, that was.
“You… were saying?” he prompted, and tried not to grimace at the way the sentimentality made his mouth taste.
Thomas looked just as surprised as Remus felt, looking owlishly up at him. Remus tried not to squirm under the attention.
“I… Would you look out for them for me?” Thomas asked quietly, timidly.
Remus worked his jaw, blindsided.
“I know it’s not really your thing,” Thomas went on. “But… I really love them – and I know you do too, in your own way. And I’m worried.”
Remus wrinkled his nose in disgust. Thomas laughed a little wearily. “I just… I’d be comfortable knowing that they had someone to rely on.”
Remus chewed on this for a minute. On one hand: ew, no, thank you, come back never. On the other… he couldn’t really afford to have Thomas’ mindset completely devolve into a crying, slobbery mess – that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.
“Okay,” he relented. “But I don’t know what good it’ll do.”
Thomas smiled at him, and it looked genuine enough, but Remus wasn’t about to consider that.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
“Yeah,” Remus muttered and started to sink.
“Remus?” Thomas asked, and he popped back up to blink at him. Thomas was watching him with a weird look on his face. Remus couldn’t read it. It made his skin itch, like there were a million beetles crawling about beneath his skin.
“You’re more appreciated than you know,” Thomas said slowly, like he was picking his words carefully.
Remus stared at him. He sank out without a word – because realistically, how was anyone supposed to respond to that?
The mindscape was still as gratingly loud as it had been when Remus had first popped in. Just as he’d left them, there were five squawling children in the same positions that they would normally rise up to Thomas in.
Remus wandered over to the staircase, peering curiously down at a baby Virgil, who was practically drowning in that patchwork job of a hoodie he’d made for himself, black tears of liquid eyeshadow staining his cheeks.
He poked the child in the face – gently! – but it didn’t really stop the godawful noise.
“Uhh,” he said.
Virgil screamed at him.
Remus blinked. He screamed back, wondering if that would help.
It did!
For a second, the entire room was silent.
And then, of course, it was back to the screaming. Tenfold. By all of them.
Remus was in way of his head.
“Okay, OKAY!” he said, and snapped his fingers.
Virgil’s hoodie immediately shrank to fit his frame. Remus wasn’t entirely sure what babies could wear, but he knew the basics, and hoped the softer material would at least help the volume. It did, if only slightly.
Virgil hiccuped as Remus carefully cupped his hands under his arms and lifted him from the ground.
“Okay, Lavender Care Bear, um.” Remus glanced around the room. What were babies supposed to… do?
He wandered over to the couch and plonked the baby onto the plush cushions. Cautiously and unsure and still somehow tripping over himself, Remus went around adjusting everyone’s clothes and lining them all up on the couch. He took extra care with Janus, who had got himself tangled in all his clothes and had gotten extra panicked before Remus had tried to help him.
He was one of the more tame of the lot, unsurprisingly. He and Logan had quieted down the moment they were on the couch, but they were still unbelievably fussy. On the other end of the spectrum, Remus was quickly considering the benefits of snapping Roman’s neck just to get him to shut the fuck up. He was already unbearable normally, but great Cthulhu he was insufferable now. What would Thomas really lose by going without Roman?
No violence, Remus reminded himself begrudgingly. He was supposed to be taking care of these morons.
Why had he agreed to this again?
(Oh, yeah, that’s right: because Remus was a needy bastard who would do anything for Thomas’ good graces – which, for whatever reason, included looking after a group of infuriating baby-sides.)
“Oh,” he realised suddenly. “You guys are probably hungry, huh?”
Patton, who instead of looking like he was complaining in baby language like everyone else, only looked miserable. He didn’t perk up at the mention of food – like Logan absolutely did, don’t think Remus didn’t catch that, Tiny Nerd – he only whined pathetically and reached out for Remus like he wanted something.
“What?” Remus asked him. “Even if I had a wallet to give you, you can’t even make it down from the couch to run off with it. What are you gonna spend my nonexistent money on, Baby Daddy?” Remus poked his cheek. “Fifty cents worth of Walmart bubbles? Where’re you gonna fit that, huh?”
Instead of cringing away like Remus expected Patton to do, he giggled and grasped clumsily at Remus’ finger with surprising strength.
Remus froze. “Um.”
Patton squeezed and tugged at his hand. Remus squinted at him.
“What’re you…” Remus trailed off as Patton ungracefully shimmied across the couch to reach for Remus’ shirt.
Instinctually, Remus jolted away from him.
With an alarm squeal, Patton pitched forward, falling face-first for the floor.
With a matching shout, Remus shot forward and scooped the baby up into his arms. Patton beamed up at him, completely unfazed. Remus scowled down at him.
“Was this your plan all along?” he asked. “Did you just want a napping place? What was so bad about the couch, huh?”
Patton had the nerve to snuggle against Remus’ chest and sigh happily.
Ah, fuck, he thought. I’m in trouble.
Remus tried putting the kid down but Patton only got fussier, so Remus surrendered himself to the fate of carrying the little demon cherub into the kitchen. He hummed to himself as he peered into the fridge.
“What can you guys eat?” he asked Patton.
Patton only buried his face against Remus’ sash, which could not be comfortable. Remus didn’t remember the last time he’d washed that thing.
“That’s not an answer, you blue flavoured cupcake,” he grumped.
Patton hummed happily in response.
Remus grunted to himself. He moved over to the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter and dangled the bundle of bananas in front of the sleepy baby’s face.
“Reckon you could deepthroat this?” he asked.
Patton squeaked and grasped needily at the fruit.
“Alright,” he said dubiously.
He set out a couple of plates to dump the peeled bananas upon. He turned, balancing Patton in the crook of his elbow in one arm and plates in each hand, but stopped short.
Logan was crawling into the kitchen on all fours, gaze fixed hungrily on something on the counter.
“How the fuck did you get down?” Remus demanded.
Logan skirted past him and made a beeline for something behind him. Finding that he was painfully too small to reach the bench, he turned those big brown eyes on Remus.
Remus followed his needy reach and wrinkled his nose.
“No,” he said. “You can eat Musa paradisiaca Linn just like the rest of the kiddies, aight?”
Logan whined pathetically. From the living room, Remus could hear the others still crying like they’d just finished a horrifically bad romcom. He sighed.
He left Logan whining for his snack while Remus moved Patton and the food back to the couch.
“Alright, feral children,” he declared, near-chucking Patton onto the cushions. “Feast.”
They didn’t lunge for the food like ravaged wolf puppies like Remus expected them to. Instead they only whimpered pitifully and Remus groaned.
“So now I’m gonna have to force feed you, too?”
He stomped back into the kitchen and ruffled around for some spoons. Logan was still sitting there, trying and failing to get the jar on the bench.
“Can you even eat jam? How old are you?” Remus poked Logan in the nose with the spoon. “Give me your ID, asshole.”
Logan bounced impatiently.
“Okay,” Remus relented. “You’re the smart one. Don’t get pissed at me when you get baby diarrhoea. And I won’t be cleaning it up.”
He picked up the jar in one hand and Logan in the other and moved back to the couch.
The dumb kids didn’t know how to eat and Remus didn’t know how to feed them. He was ninety percent sure that the couch was smeared with more banana and jam than the babies did.
But eventually, the crying quietened further and the five little stomachs stopped growling, but apparently that wasn’t enough.
Virgil whined, still looking uncomfortable.
“No,” Remus told him. “No-no. Hush up. Stop.” He snapped his fingers and a heavy blanket draped itself over Virgil’s shoulders. He was immediately pacified with a soft hum. Patton made the same grabby hands in Remus’ direction and he stuck his tongue out at the baby.
“You are a needy son of a bitch, aren’t you?” he grumbled. He shoved a big plush bear into Patton’s arms, who cooed curiously and squeezed the toy pleasingly.
Janus only met Remus’ gaze with a simple gurgle, and Remus raised his eyebrows. “You happy there, Snake Baby?”
Janus hummed and Remus huffed a laugh.
Behind him, Roman screamed. Remus glared over at him.
“Oh, sure,” he said. “Everyone else seems happy enough and yet you’re still not satisfied.”
Roman yowled.
It was starting to set the others off. Logan, who had been perfectly content slobbering up the leftover jam from his hands, was beginning to wiggle unhappily. Patton hugged his new bear tighter.
Remus picked Roman up by the back of the shirt and dangled him in the air.
“Do you ever stop complaining?” he demanded.
Roman bawled louder. Remus shook him.
“I will strangle a child,” he said through gritted teeth. “I plan the most gruesome ways to kill you on the best of days – don’t think that just because you’re small and defenceless now that has stopped.”
Roman whined. He was starting to get spit and snot all over Remus’ sleeves.
Resisting the urge to scream, Remus shoved Roman next to Virgil. He snapped a pacifier into Roman’s mouth, and hoped that it would stave off the noise at least for a little bit.
Instead, the moron nearly choked himself with it, sending him spluttering and gasping and crying even louder.
Something in Remus snapped.
He gripped his hair and screamed.
“SHUT UP! It was funny at first, I’ll admit it, but now zip it! You have nothing to wail about! You’re fed, you have water, you’ve already slept ALL DAY, and I know you have because your door was still locked this morning! So just STOP CRYING!”
Remus hadn’t realised his legs had given out on him until his gaze cleared – when had he blacked out? – and he found himself in a heap on the floor.
At least the others had been shocked into silence.
He thought they had, anyway.
There was a tiny coo to his right, and when Remus looked down, Patton was sitting beside him, pressing the toy Remus had given him into Remus’ lap.
“And just what do you want?” Remus growled at him. Patton reached up, grasping for Remus’ face. Remus didn’t entertain him. Realising his efforts were fruitless, Patton resulted in patting Remus’ knee comfortingly.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh. Thanks. I feel so much better.”
Patton hummed almost sympathetically, which was ridiculous. Still, Remus rested his chin on his fist and stared wearily down at the pudgy baby.
“What the hell did I agree to?” he mumbled, as if Patton would give him a response. Patton’s big sad eyes looked between Remus and Roman, who was curled into a pathetic, sniffling ball on the couch. “How do you fuckers keep getting off the damn couch, anyway?”
Patton flapped his hands.
“I don’t know how many times I have to make it obvious that I do not speak baby.”
Patton tapped Remus’ thigh, then gestured to Roman, then pat Remus’ leg again. Remus squinted. He met Roman’s gaze, who only whimpered and pressed his little fists to his face. Remus glanced sharply between Patton and Roman.
“You’re kidding me,” he said to Patton. He glared up at Roman. “You’re honest to god trying to tell me that you’re just. Sad? Are you serious?”
Remus scooched past Patton and lifted Roman up, frowning darkly down at him.
“Are you still depressed as a baby?” he demanded. Roman only hung limply in his hands, defeated and tired. (Remus could relate.)
He sighed, collapsing his arms and dumping the child into his lap unceremoniously. Roman whimpered and pressed his flushed, wet nose to Remus’ chin. He sniffed miserably, seemingly worn out. Remus stared down at him.
He sighed.
“Okay, whatever.”
He sat in silence for a bit, letting Patton and Roman cuddle him. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world. Remus had never been particularly touchy-feely, not with the way he’d developed in Thomas’ mind, with Janus who covered nearly every inch of his skin with clothes and Virgil who hissed the moment anyone got too close. And whenever someone did touch him – always by accident and never with gentle intent – it felt horrible. Like a burning metal stick branding his skin, sending goosebumps through his whole body and making him want to hide under a blanket full of bricks to keep the shivering at bay.
This was… different? Still weird, almost unbearably so, but different nonetheless.
Patton was just fidgeting with Remus’ pants, like he wanted something to keep his attention with. Like he didn’t care that it was Remus he was touching. Like he was perfectly content to sit on the carpet and lean on someone who had only tormented him and been looked upon with disgust.
With all the ear-grating screaming that had been exploding in Remus’ skull, Roman was near-silent at Remus’ shoulder, aside from the occasional sniff.
Remus cautiously reached out to poke at Roman’s cheek. Instead pulling away like Remus expected, he leaned into the touch like a sad puppy. Remus rolled his eyes.
“There’s only room for one needy baby in this mindscape, and Patton’s already taken that title,” he told his brother. “Choose a different brand, cheater.”
Roman didn’t rise to the bait – which, logically, was fair, as a baby Roman probably didn’t have the slightest clue what Remus was saying – but it was still annoying.
“Where’s all your spunk gone, hm?” Remus asked him. “It was almost amusing when you were screaming your little lungs out.”
Roman only blinked tiredly up at him, and Remus huffed. “Whatever, half-pint.”
Remus began to entertain himself by scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Janus and Logan had started to have an odd conversation completely made up of senseless babbles and clumsy hand movements. Whatever they were talking about seemed interesting. On the other end of the couch, Virgil had curled up into a sleepy ball, looking like he was about to pass out any minute.
He was the first one to switch back.
Remus didn’t notice it happening at first, but when he looked over – a good few hours later, and fuck, Remus’ butt had gone completely numb at this point – he found himself looking at a knocked out and obviously adult anxious side, still clutching his heavy blanket over his shoulders.
Remus’ eyes widened in alarm.
He sprung to his feet, startling Patton and jostling Roman. Patton whined and Roman clutched desperately at Remus’ clothes.
Remus hushed Patton, scooping him up and tucking him back on the couch.
“Shh,” he snapped when Patton continued to complain. “Hush up! Oh great Azathoth, Patty, please shut up.”
Virgil mumbled something in his sleep, and Remus felt the panic seize his chest tighter. He dumped Roman next to Patton, heedless of the way his eyes started to tear up and his grip tightened.
“No, stop,” Remus hissed at him, battling with the tiny, pudgy fingers. “Roman, this is not the time to –”
Virgil groaned. Remus froze, watching as his eyes flickered open.
Rather furiously (and furiously ignoring the tinge of guilt) Remus ripped Roman’s hands from his clothes and sank out.
He popped up into his room, his dark, empty, chaotic, silent room, and pressed his back to the wall. Virgil would wake up, and probably panic for a second, but then everyone else would turn back, and they wouldn’t remember a thing because they’d been babies, and Thomas would find out that they were all okay and no one had to know what Remus had done.
It was fine. That was good.
Remus breathed. He wasn’t so certain if he was relieved.
Remus expected to be able to hide in his room and play with any creative ideas that popped into his head for at least the next week – or at least until he got an urge to torment Thomas.
(Though, strangely, every time he considered that his stomach twisted uncomfortably until he moved on to the next topic.)
So he was woefully unprepared and entirely disgruntled when he was summoned out of nowhere in the middle of the day – by Patton, of all people.
They were in the mindscape, thank fuck because Remus did not need to face Thomas right this second, all looking in his direction.
A… relatively clean mindscape, Remus noticed, which made sense. He hadn’t cleaned any of the mess, but it didn’t surprise him that the others would have.
“Hey, kiddo,” Patton said softly, slowly. “What’ve you been up to?”
Trap, hissed Remus’ mind. Trap, trap! Don’t answer! Play dumb! Be Remus!
“Your mum.”
Patton wrinkled his nose. Behind him, Logan rolled his eyes.
“Impossible,” he started, “none –”
“Which dictionary did you eat for breakfast this morning?” Remus interrupted. “How to be dumb for dummies?”
Weak, he thought to himself.
Logan didn’t look impressed, but he didn’t roll his eyes or snap back.
“We were interested to know if you had any recollection of what occurred three days ago,” he said instead. “Beginning with a banterful conversation between Thomas and Joan, and the certain words exchanged between the two of them.”
Remus looked between each of them, feeling slightly like a deer in headlights.
“This was callous,” Janus said suddenly, snappish. “And I would know.”
Remus flinched, but Janus’ gaze was fixed on the others. When he looked back over to Remus, his expression softened. Remus fought the urge to flee right then and there.
“It’s alright if you don’t want to say anything,” said Janus, completely sincere. “It’s none of our business.”
“So what?” Remus grumbled at the floor, unable to gold Janus’ gaze. “You guys were all hapless squealing pale-faced demons. It didn’t matter to me. Thomas asked.”
“Asked what?” Virgil said.
Remus grinded his teeth. Did he have to spell it out?
“I’m sorry,” Patton blurted, which surprised Remus enough to look up at him. “We didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, kiddo.”
“What did you expect was going to happen?” Janus demanded, turning on him. It sounded like an argument they’d had before.
“Seriously,” Remus forced out between his gnashing teeth. He was surprised he hadn’t cut his own tongue out yet. “It’s whatever.”
“Whatever,” Janus said, his voice lilted with soft agreement, like he was accepting what Remus wasn’t saying out loud. God, Remus had always loved him.
(FUCK, hang out with a group of literal emotional babies for half a day and his entire brain turns to MUSH.)
“Whatever,” Virgil echoed dubiously.
Remus glanced over at Roman, who had been suspiciously quiet the entire time. Roman was already looking at him, an unreadable look in his eyes. Remus glared at him, daring to say what was on his mind aloud.
Roman’s eyebrows only relaxed, his expression gentling out, and FUCK, would people stop DOING THAT?
“Did… you want to stay for lunch?” Roman asked slowly. “It’s not quite ready yet but –”
“I have,” Remus interjected haltingly, not sure what he wanted to say but definitely knowing that he needed to shut that down fast. “Places to be. Things to dismember.”
For a moment, the others were quiet. For a moment, they screwed up their noses and shuddered like they always did. For a moment, Remus thought he was free.
(Free to go back to his room and wait there for days before he had a reason to leave.)
“Dinner, then?” Roman offered.
“Is ‘no’ going to be the right answer?” snapped Remus.
“There is no right answer,” Janus cut in smoothly. “There’s only your answer.”
“You uh…” Patton piped up, shuffling on his feet, “you can add whatever you like to your serving?”
Remus glared around at them. They were all looking at him with curious, round eyes, some bordering on hopeful, and all Remus could think of was the needy, desperate little suckers when they had been not twenty-five inches from the ground.
“Fine,” he snapped. “Okay. Whatever.”
“Whatever,” Virgil laughed. It wasn’t a mean laugh.
No one talked about it that night. They didn’t jab at him or poke for answers. There were hardly any fights. (Wow, they had really all gotten cosy with each other, hadn’t they?)
Roman did totally intentionally dump an overload of salt into Remus’ food, which Patton had reprimanded him for, but Remus wasn’t bothered. All the more reason for him to launch across the table and tackle the conspiring fool to the ground.
Patton and Logan had both shouted at them, and Virgil was totally snapping pictures with his phone no matter how subtle he thought he was being, and Janus was very badly disguising his laughs as coughs but…
Roman shivered as Remus grappled him into a wrestler’s hold, and Remus’ skin was burning, but neither of them mentioned it.
(It was kind of hard to – Roman’s laughter was way too contagious for their own good.)
Neither of them seemed to regret anything by the end of it, both collapsed in a breathless heap on the carpet with Patton fluttering over them and grinning at each other like they hadn’t in years.
Thomas would never mention the whole… thing.
Remus never thought he could feel the emotion of gratitude, but this felt impossibly close.
But the next time Remus popped up, this time with a frankly fantastic idea for a story with all the blood and death and gore anyone could ask for, Thomas would jump with his usual oh no Remus is here expression.
But then he’d smile, and tilt his head in that way that indicated he was listening.
And he’d let Remus talk, and Remus started to understand why they all loved him so much.
And maybe that was enough for him to go to a few more dinners.
(At least until he got his room up in the mindscape, too.)