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Day 26: Missing You
Meg cursed under her breath.
She was being stupid. There were many other ways she could have done this, but noo. She chose the one that would of course get her noticed by Apollo. Of course with his stupid goddy vision and that stupid, stubborn, dumbass head of his, he would ask to know what was going on.
‘Nothing,’ she told him, shoving his goddy self aside. He stumbled for a bit, but quickly recovered, planting himself in front of her like a stubborn weed.
‘Meg,’ Apollo said, reaching his large, warm hands towards her. Dressed in one of those bedsheets of New Rome, he looked absolutely hideous, and Meg was about to tell him that before he grabbed her shoulders in one quick motion. Instinctively, she reeled back and almost bit him, but he was annoyingly fast, so she ended up snapping at empty air.
He got distracted though, and it gave her an opportunity. With a few seconds that she wriggled out of surprising him, Meg decided that it was her chance to run, but she stopped when she realised what had happened.
Fuck. Her seeds. They were by his feet, and she needed them. He’s probably going to start asking questions, and no thank you, Meg did NOT need that at all.
‘Meg, what is going on?’
She scowled, switching her attention to the packets in her utility belt. It was enough, right? It wasn’t like the one that was the most important fell out-
Apollo picked up one of them, reading her worst fears out loud. ‘White lilies? Meg, please tell me what’s going on. You have been acting strange since you decided to send that prayer up to me, and I just want to help.’ Meg bit her lip, trying not to make the packet in his hand explode like a pair of geraniums. He had to come on that day.
She ignored the look of concern on his face, and laser-eyed the ground, wishing that she could just teleport away. It was already bad enough that he was in his stupidly tanned form, but why did he have to be so caring? It was already annoying enough to deal with Lu today, but the fact that another person concerned about her just made Meg feel so… icky.
‘It’s cool, fine, whatever,’ Meg waved back. ‘You are very shiny.’
He blinked slowly, like he was trying to understand her words (Apollo was dumb like that), before his form settled into someone who she was familiar with. That one asshole who she used to bully on a daily basis before he became goddy again. Her Lester.
‘Sorry,’ Lester grinned at her. If she didn’t know better, Meg would have suspected that he was the same dumb brother that she had kept for the better of six months, but there was a sense of power to him now, reaching down towards the ground like a plant in search of water. ‘You kinda surprised me with that prayer, so I didn’t notice.’
‘Uh-huh. It was a dumb prayer. Nevermind all that. Shoo. You can go back now.’
‘It’s not dumb.’
Meg clenched her jaw. Why was he like this? This… caringness, kindness. At times she found it ok, but this was not one of those times. It was starting to get very, very annoying. Especially when he said it like that to her. Like she was something that he actually loved and cherished. She hated this awful feeling.
‘Kinda is,’ she replied, swallowing hard to push the lump in her throat down. ‘Off moment. Cool. Can I go back to what I was doing?’
‘What you were doing was unhealthy, Meg.’ Apollo sighed, ‘Sure, why don’t I let you lay in bed for another 72 hours, without taking time for food and drinks?’
He grabbed her wrist, causing her to inhale sharply. She really, really didn’t like to be touched, and Apollo knew this, but no matter how hard Meg tried to shake it off, he wouldn’t let go at all.
‘Meg, you need to tell me what’s going on. I can’t help you if I don’t know. And don’t try to say that it’s fine. Clearly, it’s not.’
She tore her eyes from him. He knew her too well at this point, and any lie wouldn’t go past the dumb god of truth undetected. Apollo was a dummy because of that. He would be nice about it, and give her the space, but… Meg didn’t know to be honest.
‘Hard day,’ she decided, picking the dirt underneath her nails. It wasn’t what she had in mind, but it was something closer to the truth. ‘It’s my dad’s birthday.’
Was. It was her dad’s birthday.
Because nothing will ever, ever remove the fact that he was gone, but she didn’t know him as well as she could have had and…
‘It’s cool,’ Meg muttered. ‘It’s been a while, and I don’t miss him. At least I don’t think so.’
She didn’t intend her voice to sound that shaky, but apparently it didn’t agree with her. Meg was cool with it, right? It wasn’t like she missed him terribly. Heck, she barely knew him, only remembering small scenes from her childhood, and a voice that she recognised to be someone she loved. A kind voice. With brown hair. Or was it blond?
Against her chest, Meg’s heart thumped gently, sending a thick wave of emotion up her throat. She drew in a quick breath, her eyes burning like chilli peppers. This was a stupid idea anyway, even by her standards.
‘It’s cool,’ Meg repeated forcefully, tearing herself away from Apollo's grip. 'I was going to find him.'
‘Meg.’
He was giving her a weird look. A similar look to the one he wore when she told him about her father. He was thinking about something, but behind his annoyingly blue eyes, she couldn’t figure what. He was leaning towards her now and…and-
He was hugging her. In his arms, like he was a seed coat and she the seed. He had what she called ‘a stupid aura of warmth’, but in the moment, she liked it. Even embraced it. Apollo was warm, much like her dad’s hugs whenever she was feeling down. A warmth that promised safety and comfort, things she wanted when she was under Nero’s care. She wouldn’t admit it out loud to the idiot, but Meg saw him as an older brother she wished she had gotten when she was in the Tower. What Lucius could have been to her.
That thought made her sad. She resolved it by wiping mucus on Apollo’s shirt.
‘I- I don’t know how to put it,’ Apollo said when they pulled apart, ‘but grief is a beautiful thing. Poetic, even. Coming from the god of poetry. Sometimes, we think that we got over it, but it never goes away. It just gets covered with the sands of time, but it’s still there. Still festering when we uncover it.’
He used a finger to wipe a tear trailing down her cheek. She let the words settle into her brain, like a blanket of dew on leaves. Apollo was being dramatic as usual, but there was truth to his words. He had been through what she was going through, hundreds if not thousands of times.
‘Does it still hurt?’ Meg asked, ‘Every time they…?’
Her voice trailed off, but Apollo probably knew what she was going to say. Every time his lovers die. Every time his children die. All wrapped up into a single word that she knew she would be another one of. Another face that Apollo would think about sometimes after she left the mortal world.
She knew the answer, of course. But Meg wasn’t sure whether she wanted it.
‘Every time,’ Apollo confirmed. ‘It never gets easier either way.’