Work Text:
***
The thing is, humans are fucking assholes.
Amirite?
Humans are fickle. They’re violent. They’re liars. They’re mate-murderers-- and suffice it to say that because of humans, my beloved Karl has--
No. I can’t talk about that yet.
Where was I?
Ah. Humans. Their voices are loud, and their wings are useless. They flop about in the ocean like morons and smell like rancid fish that has been left in the sun for three days too long.
They’re also terribly unobservant.
Take me, for example.
I’ve been perched on the top of this mast off and on for the better part of two months. I’ve got a -- if you’ll forgive me-- bird’s eye view of the comings and goings on this large water nest they all tend to scurry about in. I notice things, okay? I’ve even dropped a bit of chalk here and there, but do they care? No. No they do not. Filthy creatures.
(Hmm. That’s not entirely true. There is one brightly-dressed, often befeathered human- The Head Moron, if you will- who noticed me- more I think, because some of my chalk dropped on his pastel green coat than due to any observational aptitude. Still, I expected him to throw something or yell: all equally unpleasant. Instead, he offered me some crumbs of his bread. There is a small possibility that he is one of the exceptions, but I’ll withhold my judgment. For now.)
Actually, I might need to revise my earlier statement. Very well: Most humans are fucking assholes.
***
I was away for a few days- Karl’s aunt needed some help egg sitting- and when I got back, there were even more morons on the nest! (Oh. No. Buttons explained. The nest is not a nest. It’s a ship, and the Head Moron is called Captain, or Stede. My apologies. Human language is so complicated.) These morons were much less pleasant. They yelled quite a lot and reeked of rum and unwashed idiot. There were four in particular that stood out: one with a tremendously fabulous beard who seemed oddly attached to the Head Mor-- Captain , a grizzly, grouchy man who seemed to be more worried about the man with the fabulous beard, and two men who seemed to mostly exist to terrify the Lesser Morons.
I’ll admit. That wasn’t terribly difficult.
I watched through Stede’s window as the Bearded one slept off and on. There was something not quite right there; but I’m afraid I do not know enough about human behavior, even with all my many observations, to say one way or another with any certainty. I watched him sit on Stede’s nest, and pull some fabric up to Stede’s neck. I watched him brush his wingtips--- no. Drat. His fingers over the red and bruised mark on the Captain’s neck. The look on his face seemed strangely soft for such a brusque man.
Karl was baffled. According to him, most humans- especially ones who met very recently- do not care for each other that much. Humans are so strange!
Still, there was danger afoot- with this lot there was always danger afoot- and they learned by working together they could manage to outwit yet more morons that wanted what they had. I didn’t quite understand all the conflict there, but the fear of it was enough that all the morons managed to surprise me.
Later that night, while Karl and I were canoodling, we overheard something that was very troubling. It appears my initial impression was correct; the Bearded one and the grouchy one have some nefarious plan to hurt the Captain. Karl was so horrified that he didn’t talk to Buttons for three days. Karl wanted to attack immediately, but I managed to talk him out of it. It was always better to come up with another plan, to wait, and to watch. Admittedly, our plan was pretty terrible. We both made a special point of aiming for the Bearded one, but he didn’t seem to particularly care.
He didn’t seem to particularly care about anything.
***
Well goodness me. I feel like a bit of a voyeur. Not enough to stop, obviously, but I saw something that made me revisit my initial observations. The human with the beard (His name is Ed or Edward or Blackbeard or Captain or You Bastard-- why do humans have to complicate everything with their incessant need to name everything?) stood at the bow of the ship, his long hair blowing in the soft Caribbean breeze. I couldn’t see what he was looking at, but his whole countenance was. . . off. Instead of standing proudly as he was wont to do, he looked hunched in on himself. Small.
When Stede stepped behind him, everything changed. I could see how he leaned into Stede’s space, and while I didn’t catch what they said to one another, I could tell that everything about the small conversation was intimate. Stede folded something and pressed it into Edward’s pocket, and for just one moment- a half a breath or less, the look on Edward’s face made all my feathers freeze. My heart, which already thrums faster than any human’s, seemed to almost skip a beat. Stede had turned to look out on the moonlit water, and by the time he looked back at Edward with a small smile and a pat on the arm, Edward’s face had changed again blanking so that no one was the wiser.
Especially not Stede.
Hmm.
I looked to my husband, who cocked his head at me, beak parted in a grin. I shook my head; no. It wasn’t my place to discuss what we’d just seen. I wasn’t a gossip. Karl flew to Buttons, landing on the man’s shoulder. I watched as he scratched behind Karl’s head and rolled my eyes when my husband pressed into his human’s affectionate touch, squawking and spilling all the tea.
See? That’s what I mean by fickle. Edward had a dastardly reputation for murder and mayhem. I’d seen him hurt the moron crew (albeit less, lately) without thinking about it. He was dirty and loud. He drank to excess and would stab things and shoot things with no rhyme or reason. He and the grouchy moron planned to hurt the Captain, and yet he was capable of such . . . well.
I’ll just say it.
Sweetness.
He’d gone from plotting Stede’s murder to staring with such awed fondness that it made me feel awkward. Me!
Humans were utterly baffling .
***
Orange marmalade is fucking delicious.
***
There has been some fuckery afoot. See? I learned a new word! Buttons almost spit out his rum when I used it for the first time. I don’t know how ‘ Ed and Stede are getting quite good at the art of fuckery ’ is particularly amusing, but human humor (and if I’m being honest Buttons’ humor in particular) is a bit odd, so there might have been some nuances I missed. It doesn’t really matter. Pleasing Buttons pleases my husband, and I’m glad enough to do so. Karl is one of those gulls that is endlessly selfless. He is a good provider as far as those things go. He found me marmalade, and it’s absolutely divine. Granted, when Edward saw me eating some, he made a special point of leaving just a smidge for me to enjoy, so Karl didn’t have to do too much to procure such delights, but it’s appreciated all the same.
All I can say is that the mood on the ship is quite a bit lighter now that Ed’s grouchy human is gone. It wasn’t always though. One night, in particular, Edward came out of their shared quarters with red eyes and wet hair, and Stede wouldn’t let anyone near him. He told jokes that even I found funny, and generally acted more foolish than usual to get the bearded man to smile, desperately worried and absurdly pleased that he could offer some sort of comfort.
Edward’s face broke into a fond, private smile that made me feel awkward to see, as though I was once again witnessing something I shouldn’t have.
From my perch, I noticed that the two men would stand closer than even some of the other crew. Oh yes, fine. I upgraded them from ‘morons’ to ‘crew’. Anyone that cared so deeply about their Captain couldn’t be all bad. But where was I? Oh. Oh yes. Standing closer. See, many moons ago when Karl and I were first courting, he brought me particularly tasty worms and sturdy branches for my nest. When he came empty-handed, he would stand closely, as though simple proximity to myself was all he could ask for.
I stood on a tree and watched the entire ridiculous thing: Stede trying to make his friend happy, and Edward in turn making Stede happy and the two idiots going on a treasure hunt that even I could tell wasn’t going to yield anything.
It was absolutely adorable .
Mating habits with birds were fairly simple. Mating habits with human men seemed a little convoluted, but at least it was entertaining.
***
I can’t talk about what happened next.
***
Actually, yes, I can. I felt it, you see. The power of Button’s Hex. It pulled me from several miles away, had me coasting and landing on the rail next to Karl’s sobbing friend. At first, I couldn’t find the tears to express exactly what it was that I was feeling.
But oh. . . the hex. The hex was freeing. It was powerful. Buttons had loved my husband as much as I had and while I didn’t know what was going to happen. . . I knew that I would see this through to the bitter end.
I landed on the boat and watched as Edward swam frantically back towards the Revenge. I was too furious to care what had happened. My confusion over why Edward wasn’t right there by Stede would have to be answered another time.
I landed on the dinghy.
And stared.
And stared.
And.
Stared.
I watched the man grow more and more flustered, and for a moment, I could feel my dear Karl’s squawk of contentment as we snuggled together under the eaves of some shelter during our first hurricane together. I could hear Buttons’ chanting and could feel the whistle of the cannonball as it arched towards us.
The look on his face when I flew away was priceless.
It was a shame that the murdering motherfucker could only die once.
***
I admit that I don’t remember all of what happened next. It could have been weeks or months before I flew back, finding the Revenge in the vastness of the ocean. Buttons was very kind, and I appreciated the little scritches he offered. This was not a human that often showed affection, and I could recognize it was not easy for him. He filled me in on the happenings on the ship, and I about lost my remiges in shock. Betrayal? Well yes, that seemed par for the course with these humans. Loss? Again, not a shock. When I asked him where the Captain was, Buttons got a look on his face that I couldn’t quite decipher. He didn’t answer. I saw his gaze cut towards the stern of the ship and I made my way there, curious.
Edward looked. . .
Well.
I imagine he looked quite a bit how I felt. His beard was gone, and his eyes were red once again, obvious even in the inky blackness of the night. He looked slovenly and much too thin. He looked like a man who had lost everything and I was shocked that I had any sadness to spare for his predicament. Was Stede dead? Did it matter? He clearly wasn’t here.
“... the fuck are you lookin’ at?”
I was so shocked that he addressed me directly that I actually cocked my head around behind me, as though one of the crew had stumbled up silently behind me.
His misery was as obvious as my own. I wanted to ask what was wrong. I wanted to ask where Stede was. I wanted to ask if he needed me to get Buttons-- if there was anything that could be done.
“Caw?” Shit . Not quite what I was going for, but it was the best I could do.
Edward snorted and took a drink of the bottle. I saw then that he held a red piece of fabric in his calloused, filthy hand. “I can’t blame you, can I? Look at me.” His voice warbled and broke, and if I could frown, I would have.
I had never been particularly maternal, but this was just awful. I watched as Edward took another drink and sniffed, ignoring the tear that tracked down his clean-shaven face. I watched as he opened his hand and the red silk fluttered down into the water.
Oh hell no.
I absolutely loathe getting my feathers wet, but for this, I couldn’t not. I managed to grab one corner in my claw and dragged the heavy, sodden thing back up to the man on the ship.
It wasn’t easy. This is why I generally left the heavy lifting to those with opposable thumbs.
In the brief moment that I had left his side, Edward was curled into himself, his knuckles white on the railing as he clutched the wood. He didn’t cry. He didn’t sob or swear or do much of anything as I laboriously heaved the piece of fabric up to him, dropping it on his hand. For a moment, I thought he would ignore it, that he would let it slide to its watery death in the black ocean. I watched in dismay as it slithered over the wood, sliding back over the rail, the water gave it a weight that I knew would sink it to the bottom of the ocean, never to be seen again.
He moved so quickly that I almost missed it.
Edward’s hand snatched it out of the air. He was so heavy with drink that he almost ended up over the rail, but he managed to sort himself out eventually. Edward turned and collapsed on the wooden planks, the red fabric crumpled in his clenched fist.
Feeling greatly daring-- this man was nothing if not unpredictable-- I hesitantly walked over and hopped down onto his knee. I tensed, ready to fly away if he so much as twitched, but he barely seemed to notice me.
Instead, he smoothed out the fabric, wringing out the water that had soaked into it before I could grab the darn thing.
I wanted to tell him not to give up. I wanted to tell him that Stede was out there, somewhere. I wanted to tell him that no one that shared his marmalade with such fervor would ever leave. I wanted to say a lot of things, but I couldn’t find the words.
Literally.
“Caw!”
Ugh.
I watched as his lips twitched and the most fearsome, murderous pirate of our time reached out to scritch under my chin. The red square of fabric was spread on his other leg, held down by the palm of his hand as though he couldn’t bear to part from it.
“Thanks, mate. And uh. I’m sorry about your, uh. Karl.”
I bobbed my head in response and fluffed my feathers.
I was sorry, too.
I watched as his fingertip traced the wet silk, and heard the way he caught his trembling breath, holding it in his chest as though he hadn’t breathed in all the time he was parted from the small bit of fabric.
I hopped down to the deck and then launched myself into the air. I didn’t know exactly what would happen, but Edward was stubborn. If he cared that much, he’d never give up. He would search the ends of the earth to find his mate.
Right?
I mean, I might only be a bird, but humans weren’t that difficult to understand. And okay. . . maybe they weren’t the assholes that I had initially thought.
Well.
Some of them, anyway.
The End!