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Rodney barrels through the rounded doors of the Seagate Coffeehouse shouting, “I’ve solved it! Virtual immortality using Ancient crystal tech and zero-point energy!”
“Let me guess, this discovery warrants a McKay Mocha?” John leans across the counter, drawing out his words and smiling, just to wind Rodney up further.
“Yes, of course, provide caffeine and sugar while I explain the breakthrough that will literally save all our lives.” Rodney waves his hands dramatically, but all the regulars ignore him. He presses up against the wood-fronted counter and continues, “Given enough time, I’ll convince you to go back to grad school and apply the mathematical potential you hide beneath that gravity-defying hair. How you can settle for running a coffee shop after all we’ve been through still boggles my genius brain.”
John sprinkles powdered sugar on a fresh plate of beignets and serves them alongside Rodney’s personalized dark roast super-sized mocha. “The waves break perfectly for surfing every morning.” John nods toward windows on two sides of the shop that overlook a pristine beach. “My customers are friendly and never try to feed off my life force.” Ronon grunts in affirmation from the back counter as he pipes cream cheese frosting onto his signature organic cupcakes. “Can’t imagine why I’d want to settle down here.”
“Exactly!” Rodney exhales powdered sugar around a mouthful of beignet. “You settling down in a service profession is completely out of character. What’s gotten into you?”
“You most nights.” As Rodney blushes and begins to sputter, John nods toward a round table in the corner, half surrounded by bench seats made cozy with blue and green cushions. “Maybe you should ask our local writers’ circle how we got so lucky?”
Clutching his bowl-shaped mocha mug and balancing his plate of beignets on top, Rodney stomps across the room to where Miko sits typing on a tablet beside a full-grown Madison and… “Are you an android or a cyborg? How do you know my niece and my minion? And why are you hanging out with them in a coffee shop? Can you even drink coffee?”
“First off, I’m a person. Everyone calls me OC, pronouns they/them, but android is not inaccurate.” OC has two cameras for eyes and a basically humanoid body shape coated in silver-blue metal. “As we all heard John Sheppard explain to you, I’m part of the local writers’ circle. We create new content for the digital afterlife colloquially known as the Coffee Shop AU. Unlike deepfakes that depend on the value of one person’s social media and general online presence, the singularity spawned our metaverse with avatars derived from fan fiction hosted on a popular internet archive.”
“Derived from fan fiction?” Rodney asks, falling into an unclaimed seat.
“That’s the only part you question?” Madison raises a Thai iced coffee as if making a toast. “The dedicated fans who wrote me though to adulthood—also with they/them pronouns by the way—composited this coffee shop as a safe space for all, complete with John as the sociable barista who finds multiple opportunities to be ‘not safe for work’ with you. Still want to complain he’s out of character?”
“My immortality algorithm accounted for my origin as a fictional character, but you sound like a bunch of Mary Sues,” Rodney scoffs.
“Not self-insert, intentional self-reference.” Miko refutes calmly. Madison kisses her cheek and receives a pat on the head in return. Only then does Rodney notice Miko’s wearing a black leather jacket and thigh high boots.
John stops by the table to deliver a mug with spiral foam art for Miko. “Cinnamon roll latte, which you totally deserve.”
A new customer, dressed completely in black and red including a face mask with enormous black-framed eyes says in passing, “Breaking the fourth wall again, as writers do.”
Rodney protests, “I don’t understand. Who died and left them in charge?”
Miko wipes a touch of foam from her upper lip before saying, “A high percentage of the most prolific creators in this fandom and within the archive were women or nonbinary, as were those contributing metadata such as comments, kudos, and linkage between fics based on bookmark lists, collections, notes, or tags.”
“While the rich and powerful wasted their time and money on cryogenic life extension with Alcor or mental upload schemes like Nectome, fan writers and fan artists poured their hopes and good intentions into characters they loved.” Madison continues explaining despite Rodney’s attempts to interrupt. “One common trope involved secondary or original characters who wrote fanfic within a story. Most often represented as women or enby characters writing slash about popular male characters, like you and John.”
Laying a possessive hand on Madison’s thigh just above where their phone rests, OC takes over the narrative. “When the singularity came, these formerly minor characters retained our power as transformative writers. Since the digital afterlife grew out of coffee shop AUs, this shop remains our undisputed safe space. What we write becomes reality.”
“Those who slaved away as underdeveloped background characters before, are basically gods in the new transhumanist utopia,” Miko concludes.
Madison and OC both beam at her with shiny white teeth and starry bright eyes, even as they each keep typing with at least one hand.
“But my discovery!” Rodney protests. “I can power my own virtual immortality using zero-point energy channeled through Ancient crystals. I have diagrams, plans. I could finally win my Nobel! I am the hero of this story!”
“Sure you are, Uncle. We knew you could solve it, so we wrote it that way.” Madison steals one of Rodney’s beignets and devours it in two quick bites.
“Mindful of the energy debt caused by NFTs in the 2020s, we needed a way to prevent future environmental harm due to our virtual persistence.” OC’s fingers flutter in mid-air as they type on an invisible virtual keyboard, not even glancing at Rodney.
“Don’t worry. We’ll make sure you’re rewarded, along with John, who makes a truly amazing cinnamon roll latte, by the way.” Miko smiles down at her tablet and adds, “Why don’t you go ask him about the new coffee beans that just arrived? I’m sure he’ll take a break to show you the surprisingly well-furnished back room where he’s keeping them.”
A moment later, John slouches against the nearest wall with his hip cocked out at an unfairly distracting angle. “Hey, Rodney, a special courier chanced to deliver some rare peaberry beans along with the new curtains I ordered for the store room. Care to check out my beans and discuss a new custom blend?”
As John turns toward the back room, his tight jeans and even tighter black tee shirt draw Rodney’s eye. A few taps from writers’ fingers around the table have him practically leaping out of his seat. “I could even help you hang the curtains.”
The end