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He didn’t know when it started nor did he know how, to be honest. He’d grown so used to living on his own; away from people and the feelings that came with them. Yet here Mayoi was, twisting his fingers in all sorts of painful ways and chewing on his lip while his mind ran wild.
He was alone in his dorm having just finished practice with his unitmates, their smiles etched into his mind. Not even having time to change out of his clothes, he found himself dizzy and overwhelmed the moment he stepped foot into his dorm. This wasn’t the first time he felt this way when he found himself alone. It confused him and at times completely destroyed him. It infuriated him. He came to terms with being shunned by the world so long ago so why now did he find the loneliness suffocating?
Scratch, scratch, scratch…
It didn’t make sense. It’s what he deserved after all. To be alone and separated from everyone. He never earned the right to speak to people, let alone befriend them. He was a constant burden to his unitmates and those around him. A freak of nature who would taint the purity and elegance that the others radiated. He was incompetent and wicked. He didn’t earn the privilege to even be near them.
Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch…
They would come to their senses soon and leave him behind. He was sure of it. He had been taking advantage of their kindness and selfishly leeched off of their talent. Alkaloid would be better without him. Fuck, the entirety of Ensemble Square would shine brighter without Mayoi. He was holding them back. They had every single right to leave him.
Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch…
It only made sense. He was demonic and foul. His family never wanted to be around him; it even felt like God had left him behind so long ago. It was only a matter of time before he’d find himself completely alone again. It’s what he always deserved.
Scccrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaatttcccccccchhhhh…
So why on Earth did it hurt him so terribly?
Mayoi felt wet warmth on his fingers and throat, but couldn’t quite piece together why. He was too far into his own episode that he didn’t even hear the creak of the door he had left unlocked. Nothing could reach him, not the gasp, not the calling of his name, nor the hands trying to tear his nails from his neck.
He couldn’t breathe. The burning of his lungs and the stinging in his eyes only overwhelmed him more. It felt like he was dying. He was sure he was going to die. Alone in his dorm away from everyone he foolishly let himself care about. He was almost ready to accept it…
“Mayoi-san!”
His warm cheeks were met with something cold…
“Can you hear me?”
His ears were ringing… Someone was speaking to him.
“Please, listen to me! Let me help you.”
He began coughing. Slowly coming back to his senses, he blinked away the tears left in his eyes and gasped for air. Everything was hurting. Looking around, he realized who was calling out for him.
“T… Tat…sumi-san…?” His voice was hoarse, but he choked out the name nonetheless. Brow furrowed and eyes stern in concern, Tatsumi now had his hands on Mayoi’s shoulders, eyes darting across his body to assess the damage. Why…? How did…?
Oh.
Tatsumi had invited Mayoi to go on a walk after practice and Mayoi hesitantly accepted. Cursing himself, Mayoi tripped over his words.
“Oh, Tatsumi-san! I-I’m… I’m so sorry! I’m so disgusting and… and so pathetic… I forgot about our plans… I’ll go get cleaned up… I’m so sorry! Ah… But I’m sure now you’d rather not go with me, huh..? Oh, I’m so disgusting and filthy… Of course, y… you’d want nothing to do with me… I’m sorry… I should just run far away and ne-”
“Mayoi.” Flinching, Mayoi stopped himself. Tatsumi’s voice was stern but laced with worry. “It’s okay. That’s not important right now… Can you breathe?” The younger man slowly nodded. “Good… I’m sorry for touching you like this without asking, but can we get you cleaned up?”
Tatsumi has pulled his hands away and Mayoi avoided looking at his face. Clean up… He reached up to touch his neck. Oh… He had made a bloody mess of himself without even realizing. Without thinking he nodded and found himself flinching once more when Tatsumi stood up and took his hand to gently lead him to the bathroom.
No words were exchanged. Mayoi struggled to look at Tatsumi and the older man was more focused on tending to the self-inflicted scratches. Occasionally, Tatsumi paused and searched Mayoi’s face for any sort of sign he was uncomfortable. After wrapping bandages around Mayoi’s neck, Tatsumi reached up and wiped a few leftover tears from Mayoi’s cheeks.
“Mayoi-san…” he started, carefully trying to figure out what type of state the purple haired man was in. “What’s on your mind? I want to help you.”
Inhaling sharply, Mayoi shut his eyes and reprimanded himself. He foolishly caused Tatsumi to worry over his own cursed thoughts and now he was paying the price. Tatsumi’s hands were red with his blood and now his sweater was tainted with his tears. He truly was nothing but scum for making such a sweet man worry and dirty himself trying to help Mayoi of all people. “You… shouldn’t help me…” His voice was the farthest thing from steady but he didn’t want Tatsumi to busy himself with a monster like him.
“You’re too kind for your own good, Tatsumi-san… A freak like me doesn’t deserve it.” Tatsumi had opened his mouth to argue, but Mayoi wanted – needed – to get his point across. “All I’ve ever done was plague you and the others… I’m pathetic and undeserving… There… are others out there who deserved to be an idol more than me… People who deserved to make these friends. I’m just wicked and manipulative. Oh… How I’ve so rudely manipulated you into caring for me even now… I am so sorry, Tatsumi-san…” Hot tears were spilling from his eyes once more. Tatsumi made an attempt to wipe them away but Mayoi took a step back. “I’ve sullied you and your heart with my presence and I’ve done the same with Hiiro-san and Aira-san… I’m so useless and disgusting! Why do you stay? Why don’t you or the others just leave me behind and move on already?!”
“Mayoi-san…”
“No! It doesn’t make any sense!” His throat hurt and he so terribly wanted to collapse, but Mayoi went on. “Don’t any of you see what’s become of me?! What will become of Alkaloid?! I’m a freak. I’m miserable and pathetic! Tearing myself up because I can no longer stand to be alone! Is that not shameful, Tatsumi-san?! I’ve grown to be selfish and now you’re stuck dealing with it.” He grabbed at Tatsumi’s sweater and wept, startling the older man. “Would it not be easier to just… leave…?”
His heart ached and his head was spinning. All he wanted was to rid himself of these feelings and free his friends of this burden. He had spilled his worries and felt nothing but guilt having dumped it all on someone as holy as Tatsumi. He was sure that by this point he deserved worse than what Hell had to offer. Cursing himself in his mind, Mayoi was surprised and startled when he felt arms wrap themselves firmly around him.
“Mayoi-san… None of that is true.” Eyes shooting wide open, Mayoi didn’t dare move. Tatsumi’s voice was wavering like he himself was close to tears, but it kept its sincerity. “There is a reason we’re here with you. There’s a reason I’m here now. It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay to have fears.” He pulled away from the purple haired man to give him a weak smile. “You aren’t the only one with fears, Mayoi-san.”
Mayoi opened his mouth to retort but Tatsumi had shook his head. “There’s no wrong in indulging either. I’m here because I care about Mayoi-san. I want Mayoi-san to feel loved and special. If you are so sure that you are undeserving of our affections, then I pray you can forgive my stubbornness, but I will have to change your mind.”
Unable to form words, Mayoi looked at Tatsumi and shook his head. He couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t even begin to fathom why this man was so persistent in helping him. It caused a whole new type of aching in his chest. Tatsumi had every chance to leave, so why didn’t he? He could have taken the other members and left Mayoi behind long ago, but he didn’t. It didn’t make sense. And yet…
“I’m… relieved…” Mayoi’s smile was strained and exhausted, but he wanted to mean it. He was happy that they stayed. When his mind ran wild with ideas that he deserved to be abandoned, he couldn’t deny the feeling in his heart whenever he was around his friends. Maybe he was dazed; maybe it was the headache forming that made him feel more vulnerable. Maybe it was just Tatsumi’s words that made him want to be honest. “As unworthy as I am… I don’t want to be left behind, Tatsumi-san… I’m sorry.”
Pulling Mayoi into another embrace, Tatsumi gently smoothed down his hair and sighed in relief. “No one will leave you behind, Mayoi-san. I promise.”
Having relaxed into Tatsumi’s arms, Mayoi wrapped his own around the older man and let out a shaky breath. He knew these thoughts would come back to him later on. That was unfortunately inevitable. Though, with Tatsumi’s promise and his warm embrace, Mayoi smiled into his sweater and let his worries melt away. Maybe, just for now, it was alright to be selfish and believe his friends would stay.
“...Ah.” Mayoi pulled away from Tatsumi and looked up at him apologetically. “When… um… when would you… like to reschedule that walk…?” While he initially felt embarrassed about asking, the feeling washed away when Tatsumi gave him a warm smile and chuckled.
“Whenever Mayoi-san feels better enough for it.” Pulling away from his arms, Tatsumi took Mayoi’s hand and led him back to Mayoi’s bed much to the other man’s embarrassment. “For now, I’m blessed enough to just be here with you. Maybe now I can be selfish, but I want to stay with Mayoi-san here.”
Those words caused Mayoi’s face to flush and in turn brought a chuckle out of Tatsumi. “I… I see… Thank you, Tatsumi-san…” He whispered quietly, looking sheepishly at the hand Tatsumi held. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was okay to indulge a little.