Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dino Golzine wants to adopt Ash.

That's just about the cruelest joke Ash has ever heard in his life.

All of the high class education with tutors who would abuse him, all of the training with Blanca on how to be a killing machine. All of it led up to this?

Like Ash actually means something to this man. To anyone. Like Ash is more than just the sex toy he's always been.

It's funny, in a way. Despite all of the hints, Ash never got it. He never realized what it was all for. Why would he? He's never seen himself as human, so how could anyone else? He's never ... never ...

God, he's so messed up. This can't be happening. It can't.

But it does.

Eiji saves him, of course, because Eiji is the sort of good that Ash didn't think existed in this world. Ash would do anything for him, and apparently that goes both ways. For some reason.

But Dino still adopted Ash.

Aslan Jade Golzine.

Fuck.

Ash doesn't tell anyone.

Keeps it to himself, because what's one more degradation? Almost worse than everything else, being Dino's in name as well as every other way.

All he had left of Griffin was his name, and now ... ?

And then, of course, even after Dino dies, Ash still has that reminder of him. How he'll always belong to him, on some level.

Complications come up after that. Ash almost bleeds out in a library, almost wishes that he did. And then—he survives. Somehow. Still can't die, even now. Still can't find peace.

And, as it turns out, if you're going to live the life of a normal person—or at least pretend to—you need normal person shit, like a birth certificate. Social security card. All that bullshit.

Son of a bitch.

"Do you have your birth certificate?" Max asks. "Or any form of valid legal ID? We'll need all of that to get everything sorted out."

"I, uh—no," Ash mumbles. He can't make eye contact.

"Where could we find it? Back in the Cape with your dad?"

Dad. His father is Dino, now.

Ash doesn't respond right away.

"Ash?" Eiji asks. He came back to the States as soon as he found out that Ash almost died. Like Ash was more important, for some reason. "What's wrong?"

How is Ash supposed to respond to that? Everything?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!

"Dino adopted me," Ash whispers. "Back when I was with him, before you came for me. That's ... that's what the party was for. To celebrate him adopting me." Owning me? "So, uh—I'm not ... Aslan Jade Callenreese. Not anymore."

"You don't mean ... ?" Max whispers, a tint of horror to his voice.

"Yeah," Ash croaks. "Aslan Jade Golzine. Fuck my life, right?" His voice breaks. Showing weakness is an interesting thing these days.

"Was it like—official?" Eiji asks. "You were the age of majority, right?"

"Adult adoptions are legal in New York," Ash mumbles. "And it's not like I could say no. Not to him. Not under those circumstances."

"... Right," Eiji whispers. He curses under his breath, something in Japanese that Ash doesn't know.

Ash is trying not to cry. "Sorry," he adds. "I know this ... complicates things."

"Do you know what would have happened to all of your paperwork?" Max asks.

Ash shakes his head. "Now that he's dead? Not a clue."

"You don't have anything? No form of ID?"

"I wasn't allowed access to any of that shit." Ash grinds his foot into the floor. "I had, like—fake IDs with fake names, but nothing ... real."

"You won't even be able to get into a college without proof of identity," Max mumbles.

Well, there goes that plan. Not that Ash had much confidence in it anyway.

"You were born in Massachusetts?" Max tries to make eye contact, but Ash avoids looking at him.

"Yeah," he answers halfheartedly.

"Then it looks like we're headed to the Massachusetts vital records office."

"We're—what?"

"Back to Cape Cod?" Eiji asks, as though this isn't a big deal at all.

"Couldn't we just request a mailed copy or something?" Ash asks. "And besides, the vital records office is in Boston. Not near the Cape."

"We'll stop by both," Max resolves. Ash glances up, and there's a certain gleam in his eyes. "I have something to give your father, after all."

"Huh?"

"You'll see. Don't worry about it. Jess will want to come with, so we'll leave Michael with her sister for a bit. Don't want him involved."

"What the hell is happening?" Ash mutters.

"We're getting this sorted out." Max takes a deep breath, staring at Ash with a certain intensity that doesn't hint at lust at all. "You're going to be free from this, okay?"

Ash swallows. "'Kay."

— — —

The road trip is a lot of long hours spent in silence. Max and Jess in the front; Ash and Eiji in the back seat.

Eiji holds Ash's hand. Squeezes it when he starts to shake.

He once told Eiji that he didn't have any feelings toward his hometown. He's still not sure if that's true. He's not sure what he's supposed to feel. Resentment? It's the place where he first lost his childhood, but also the last place he saw Griff lucid. Also the place where Griff left him, though, so ...

Who fucking knows.

"I told you this would take longer than your estimate," Jessica grumbles.

"I was certain that—" Max starts, but Jessica cuts him off again.

"Yeah, without traffic. You really thought we could get out of New York City without another hour of traffic?"

"But the map said—!"

Ash can't help but smile. Their bickering reminds him of himself and Eiji. Maybe that has good implications for his future with Eiji.

Wow. That's a scary thought.

Of course, Max and Jessica did get divorced. But fate brought them back together, in the end.

Max thanked Ash for that, once. Said that he was the one who reunited the two of them. Ash doesn't really see it that way, but he didn't protest. It's hard to explain to people that you don't see yourself as a person, much less a good person.

... Dino adopting him ... As though he were some sort of human and not—

God. Fuck.

Ash is on the verge of tears again.

Eiji squeezes his hand.

Right. Things are different now, or on their way to being different at least. And he's trying. He is; he really fucking is.

Being safe is so much harder than he thought it would be.

When they arrive back in Ash's hometown, he feels like he's going fucking crazy. Or—crazier, or whatever.

He hasn't heard from his dad since he left when Dino's men attacked that day, and part of him wonders if Jim even survived. Or, maybe even more terrifying: if he would have cared if Ash had died, in that library.

Probably not.

Ash laughs as they pull into the dirt parking lot for the restaurant. Even he can hear how bitter and hollow it sounds.

"What is it?" Eiji asks gently.

"Told myself I'd never be back here," Ash mutters. "A couple times now." He never thought he'd be returning, when he ran away at the age of eight. And then again when he was seventeen, watching Jennifer die ... "It's just hard."

"I'm so sorry," Eiji murmurs. He strokes his thumb along the back of Ash's hand, and it does make Ash feel a little better.

"Why are we even here?" Ash asks, directed at Max, but Max just shrugs.

"Figured getting anything your father has of yours might be worthwhile. And besides, like I said—I have something to give him."

"Do you want to wait out here?" Eiji asks, looking at Ash.

Taking a deep breath, Ash shakes his head. "It's fine," he mumbles. 

"Good, because I actually want you to see this," Max says.

The four of them—Max, Jessica, Eiji, and Ash—step into Jim Callenreese's restaurant.

The nostalgia hits Ash like a fucking tidal wave, just like it did last time. Overwhelming. But ... at least this time, Eiji is holding his hand. That makes a huge difference. More than Ash ever thought it could, honestly.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Jim is in the front room this time, though the place feels more than a little empty without Jennifer. Ash tries not to think about it. What's just another thing that's his fault?

Ash makes eye contact with Jim, and they stare at each other for a moment. Everyone is silent.

"Hey ... Dad," Ash mumbles.

"What are you doing here?" Jim asks.

Ash winces. At least Jim didn't open with calling Ash a whore in front of his friends this time. Improvement?

"We came to get anything you have of Ash's stuff," Max says, and thank god he's here. Between him, Jessica, and Eiji, Ash feels almost safe. Almost. "Birth certificate? Anything like that?"

"We didn't keep any of that shit," Jim growls.

"Anything at all?"

Jim rolls his eyes. "Anything left of that slut's would be at the house."

Ah. Spoke too soon.

"I thought this might happen," Max says, shaking his head. He sighs. "Jess?"

Jessica cracks her knuckles. "Ready."

"Get him."

And with that, Jessica punches Jim in his smug ass face.

Oh. Ash wasn't expecting that, for some reason. Huh.

Jim drops to the ground—Jessica hit hard, apparently. Ash has no doubt that there was some adrenaline behind that punch. Fucking hell.

"What the fuck?" Jim says, still on the floor.

Jessica turns around, facing Ash and the others again. "Well, shall we go? I think we're done here."

"Uh ..." Ash starts, but Jessica puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, sweetie. You okay?"

"I'm fine?"

Eiji laughs, bright and beautiful. "Let's head to the house and get anything of yours you still want."

"Yeah, uh—sure, okay."

"Wait, you fucking whore!" Jim yells, staggering to his feet.

Max takes half a step forward, and Jim flinches back.

"That's what I fucking thought," Max says, sounding far too satisfied. "If you haven't learned your lesson by now, then you never will. Some people are just shit. As someone with a child of my own, you disgust me."

"Max," Ash mumbles. "It's fine."

"It's not fine," Jess says, almost gentle. She's been that way—gentle—with Ash recently, and it's odd. "Ash, it's okay for you to say that you were hurt."

Was he, though? Can you hurt something like him?

He stares at the ground, and Eiji pulls gently on his hand.

"Let's go," Eiji whispers. "There's nothing for us here."

Us. Like they're ... together. Like they're in this mess together, even after the worst of it is over. Even after Eiji doesn't need his protection anymore.

Ash nods, and lets the three of them usher him out of the bar.

"Is there anything worth grabbing at the house?" Max asks.

Ash hesitates. "Some pictures," he admits. "Stuff of Griff's that ... I might want to keep. Now that things are ..."

Max nods, understanding without words. "Then let's go."

They head to the house, and Ash is shaking again already. Eiji bumps his shoulder against Ash's, and the contact feels ... okay. Good, almost.

"Thanks," he mumbles.

When they head in, Ash takes in the house for a bit. How dead it feels now, abandoned both literally and metaphorically. Empty.

He heads into his old room, the twin size bed where he cried himself to sleep so often. Looks again at the picture of himself and Griff in baseball uniforms, not sure if he wants to wrap it in a blanket and hide it away from the world, or hurl it across the room and break the frame.

He's smiling in the photo, and maybe that hurts more than anything else about it. Did he ever smile like that again?

"Ash ... ?" Eiji whispers.

Oh, right. He's smiled a lot since Eiji came into his life.

Ash sets the photo down. He shakes his head. "Never mind," he mumbles. "I don't want anything here. I don't ... none of this ..."

"Oh, Ash," Eiji murmurs.

"Let's just grab everything, okay?" Jessica says, stepping into the room too. "We can keep it at our place, and you can take it back if you ever want it. That way it's within reach, but ..."

But I won't have to look at it.

Ash sniffles, and nods. "Yeah," he whispers. "That works. Can you ... ?" God, asking for shit is so hard. He doesn't know how to phrase it.

"We'll gather up all the photos," Max says gently. "Do you want to wait outside?"

Ash nods. Thank you, he thinks, but he doesn't trust his own voice.

"Want me to come with you?" Eiji asks. "I'm sure Max and Jess can handle everything here."

"I want some time alone," Ash whispers. And maybe that's a bad idea—for himself, at least—because being alone has never been better than being with Eiji. But Ash doesn't feel like dragging anyone down more than he has already right now.

He steps out onto the house's porch. Even out here, breached by the weather for the years since Ash left, the place feels ... dead.

Ash wants to leave, suddenly. He makes his way out into the grass, looking up toward the sky and holding in a sob. A gust of wind blows past, and the salt air stings Ash's eyes. Or maybe that's just his own stupid fucking tears.

He almost wishes that Eiji would come join him, but of course Eiji respects his wishes to be alone. Eiji's like that—always listening to Ash, always caring. Even when Ash wishes he wouldn't. Even when Ash wishes he would just—be like everyone else. Fucking ruin him.

Ash wanders a bit. Wishes he could get lost, but he knows the area too well. Fuck. Even years later, this place won't leave his memory. He closes his eyes, pretends he's somewhere else. Takes a few steps forward, imagining he's back on the streets of New York. Or Izumo, maybe, though he's never been. Anywhere else.

Sometimes all you want is just not this.

But the chill and the humidity is all too familiar, and even with his eyes closed, another gust of wind brings the past all back. Ash lets himself drop to the ground. Giving up, maybe.

Waits.

"Here you are!" Jessica says. Ash isn't sure how much time has passed. He let himself cry, at some point, so he tries to hide the tears now.

"Hey," he manages, but his voice breaks. Fuck.

"We gathered everything up. Put it all in the trunk, so you don't have to ..." She stops. "You want to take off?"

"... In a minute," Ash whispers.

Jess sits on the ground next to him. "Whenever you're ready."

It's silent for a moment, but Ash has to speak, eventually. "You don't have to—do all of this, you know."

"Hm?"

"Like—with my dad, or ... any of this. I know I've been nothing but a brat to you, so you don't have to pretend."

Jessica sighs, and Ash almost wants to think that she does care. "It's not pretending, kid," she says softly. "I'm sorry for ... everything before. I know things started off rocky between us. But—you're just a kid." She looks over at him, but Ash won't meet her gaze. "God, Ash, you're just a kid."

He's nineteen, now, and even before that—he's never been a kid. Not really.

"Give me a chance?" Jessica asks.

Ash finally looks at her, raising an eyebrow. "You want a second chance? I should be the one begging you to forgive me."

"Then let's both start over. I'd like to be ..." She trails off. "Something of a role model, to you."

Ash sniffles. Fuck. Is he really going to say this? "I've never had a mom before," he whispers. "So I think I—fought against you. Because of that." I was jealous.

Jessica hums. "Maybe you could have a mom now, then," she whispers.

Ash startles.

"I'm not expecting that to happen right away," Jess clarifies. "But I think you deserve more than you've been given, Ash, and maybe it's too late, but—I want to try."

"You don't have to—"

"I want to." Jessica stands up, then holds out a hand to Ash. "If you'll let me try."

Ash takes her hand, and she helps him to his feet. He nods. "Let's try."

— — —

They head to Boston after staying no more than a few hours at the Cape. The trip this time feels—even more awkward than before, almost. Maybe the hardest part is done already, in some sense, but now everyone's just thinking about how fucked up Ash is.

"We don't have to do all this," Ash mumbles at some point, while they're traveling along the coast.

"What was that, kiddo?" Max asks, and Eiji is already frowning at Ash.

"This whole—all of this," Ash says, a little louder. "We don't have to do this shit. I can just live on the streets again." Or die on the streets for once. "I don't need a birth certificate and all this bullshit. This is ... pointless."

"Ash," Jessica chides gently. "It's far from pointless."

"We're not going to let you get hurt anymore," Eiji says, resolute. "You're not going back on the streets, and you're going to be safe. I know that's—new, for you. Safety. But we all care about you, and—"

"Why?" Ash challenges. "Why would any of you give a shit?"

It's silent for a moment. Of course. There's no fucking answer to that, is there? Because they don't care. Not really.

"You don't believe us, do you?" Eiji asks. His voice is—hurt.

Ash doesn't respond.

Max sighs. "Let us prove it to you, then."

"There are so many reasons to care about you," Jessica says, and Ash thinks about their conversation back on the Cape, only about an hour ago. Ash did say she could try, but ...

Why is this so hard? Being cared about ... ? Believing that?

"I just—don't really see any of them," Ash admits. "Those reasons. If they're there."

"We'll show you," Eiji resolves. "Starting with this trip."

But it's not starting with this trip. It's starting with a boy who helped Ash, and asked nothing in return.

And Ash still doesn't believe.

They make it to Boston.

"Okay, uh ..." Eiji says, pulling up a map on his phone. "City Hall. Room 213."

Ash's stomach is churning. He has a feeling this isn't going to work out.

And he's right.

"I'm afraid you're going to need a government issued ID in order to get a copy of your birth certificate," the person at the counter says. "A driver's license, state ID, passport ... ?"

"I, uh—don't have any of that. With me," Ash mumbles.

"You're gonna have to come back with the proper documentation, then." She waves him out of the way, and Ash steps to the side. He knew this wasn't going to happen, so why does he feel like shit about it anyway?

Max bangs a fist against the counter. "Listen—" he starts, but Ash flinches. Max looks over at him. "Ash ..."

"Let's just go," Ash whispers. "Please."

They make their way out of the building, all of them, and Eiji offers a hand out to Ash. Ash takes it, grateful, and tries not to fucking cry again.

"I knew something like this would happen," he says. His voice sounds fucking pathetic. "Sorry to waste everyone's time."

"It wasn't a waste," Jessica says. "I got to punch Jim Callenreese, so I'd call it a victory."

Ash breathes out a laugh. "Thank you for that."

They head back to the car. Still holding Ash's hand, Eiji hums. "I have an idea, maybe?"

Ash looks over at him. "What's up?"

"All we need is one ID to get all the other documents, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't have one."

"Maybe not, but we know someone who has the connections to make a very convincing copy."

Ash curses under his breath. "We are not contacting Yut-Lung."

"I think he'll listen to us, now. He's been talking to Sing, and—he wants to do better."

"He lost his fucking chance," Ash hisses.

"I'll talk to him," Eiji insists.

"No!" Ash says quickly. "If any of us are gonna talk to him, it's gonna be me. You are staying as far away from him as possible."

Eiji pouts.

"I'll call him, okay? I'll ask. But he's gonna say no."

"Let's just stay in a hotel here for the night, yeah?" Max offers. "We can figure this out after we all get some rest. It's been a long day."

"It's, like, 3 p.m.," Ash says.

"Yeah, well I'm fucking tired." Ash's fault. "So let's go find a hotel and relax for the rest of the day."

A hotel. Yeah, great. Ash has fantastic experiences with those. He groans.

"Do you want to share a room with me?" Eiji asks gently.

Ash swallows. Would that be better? "Y-yeah," he mumbles. "Please."

Hotels in Boston are fucking expensive, but when Ash suggests that they find a cheaper place, Eiji protests. "I'm worried a motel would be—bad, for you," he explains.

Ash averts his eyes. "I doubt I'll sleep anyway," he breathes. "But whatever."

"One bed or two in your room?" Max asks, looking at Ash and Eiji.

Eiji looks over to Ash. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

"What do you want to do?" Ash asks Eiji.

"I'm fine with whatever you're comfortable with."

"One," Ash says, trying to sound confident. It'll be the first time he and Eiji share a bed out of more than necessity. Ash tries not to think about what that means for them. The two of them. Together.

When they check into the hotel, Eiji holds Ash's hand the whole time. They already seem—closer, than they did before. It's terrifying.

"We're in the next room over, okay?" Jessica says. "Just knock on the door if you need anything."

Eiji nods, and Jessica kisses the top of his head. She looks at Ash, and Ash looks away.

"Anything," she repeats.

Ash tries to nod. He wants to cry, but he's sharing a room with Eiji, so he won't get the chance.

He swallows down a sob, the fear, everything. Holds it all in. Compartmentalize, or whatever. He doesn't fucking know anymore.

Ash and Eiji head into their room. Together.

"Which side of the bed do you want?" Eiji asks.

"I'll sleep near the door," Ash says immediately. "In case anything happens."

Eiji puts a hand on his shoulder, and Ash closes his eyes. "Are you sure?" Eiji asks. "It's whatever you're comfortable with."

"I'm sure," Ash says.  He hisses out a breath. "I'm ... I'm most comfortable when I feel like you're safe."

Eiji blinks. "Oh!" he squeaks. "Uh—thank you. I'm sorry."

Ash manages a smile. "There you go again. Always apologizing."

"You're one to talk," Eiji replies, but it's gentle. He's always so fucking gentle. "You've been apologizing a lot more lately. After ..."

"Yeah," Ash whispers. He clears his throat. Sits down on the bed. Immediately stands up. "I'm gonna take a shower," he mumbles. "Give me, like—an hour." He wants to explain, but he doesn't want to explain, and he wants Eiji to just understand. Because no one ever fucking has.

Eiji nods, and there's something in his eyes that ... isn't pity. "Okay," he says. "I'll be here."

Ash turns the water as hot as it'll go, and scrubs until his skin is raw. Tries to keep it from bleeding, at the very least not anywhere Eiji will see. And he cries. He sits on the floor of the shower and cries.

Half of him wants Eiji to check on him, but the other half doesn't want Eiji to see him like this. But then again, Eiji's already seen him at his worst, hasn't he? Or—as close to it as he ever will, hopefully. What's worse: a tool for murder or a toy for sex?

Either way, Ash told Eiji that he'd be in here for an hour, so there's no chance of Eiji checking on him unless he, like, falls asleep in the shower or some shit.

Ash has always been a silent crier.

Or, maybe not always, but ... he learned quickly.

Crying was encouraged, after all, but it always made things worse ... So he ...

Fuck. Fuck!

Ash doesn't want to cry anymore.

He breathes in the steam. Closes his eyes and dunks his head under the spray again. Fucking hell. This is bullshit. Everything is bullshit. Why do people have to—care? Or pretend they care? It's not like they actually care, but—it still sucks. It fucking sucks.

He scrubs down his skin again, raw and burning and still never, ever clean.

He's always going to be Aslan Jade Golzine, isn't he ... ?

Why does he care? What's another goddamn humiliation? What's another ...

The closest he'd been to being seen as a human in that estate, and it was worse. It was so much worse. He'd rather be seen as a fucktoy than as a son to that man.

At least when it's abuse, it's like—he can pretend that he's not ... the same.

Just another evil in this world ...

Should have died in that fucking library.

Ash turns the water off and presses his forehead against the glass of the hotel shower stall. It's cool, compared to the burning of the water. Ash resists the urge to slam his head through it.

Eiji's out there. Waiting for Ash. He can ... he can face him, can't he? Like every other time before?

Why doesn't it ever get easier?

Ash gets dressed in the bathroom, putting on the same clothes he was wearing during the day. He should have expected that they'd stay the night here in Boston, but he didn't really plan for it.

Eiji's still awake—though it's barely evening, so that's not really surprising. Somehow Ash was hoping he'd be asleep already.

"Hey," he mumbles. His hair drips onto his T-shirt, and he shivers. "Cold out here."

Eiji pouts. "Maybe if your showers weren't a million degrees ..."

"Centigrade or Fahrenheit?" Ash asks, and somehow he already feels a little better. He sits on the bed next to Eiji, who pushes at his shoulder playfully.

Ash doesn't even flinch, somehow. Huh. Wow.

Trust is terrifying, isn't it?

Ash swallows. Shifts a little. "I, uh ..." he starts. "I might not sleep," he confesses. "Tonight."

Eiji nods. "I was worried about that. Do you want me to stay up with you?"

"No. You should sleep. Like Max said, it—it's been a day, yeah?"

Eiji nods slowly. "You deserve rest, too, Ash," he whispers. "But again, it's whatever you're comfortable with."

Ash's comfort, huh? He almost laughs, because it really does feel like a joke, even now. Imagine being comfortable, ever.

Ash looks up at the ceiling, as though there's ever been a god he could pray to. One who answered. But—yeah. Yeah, no. Not for him.

"All of this is—a little weird for me," Ash says quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know," Ash admits. "I don't know if I know how to."

Eiji nods, as if that makes sense. He doesn't press Ash to continue, and—Ash isn't sure if he should. He's not sure if Eiji wants him to, or ... anything. Ash doesn't fucking know anything.

He's going to cry again at this rate, though, and he doesn't want to. Not in front of Eiji. Not here, and not now. Not like this.

Like he's ever had a choice in anything in his life ...

"Sorry," Ash mumbles, taking a breath. It all kind of hurts. Just—everything.

"Is it the thing with your name?"

Ash startles. "Got it in one, huh?"

"I don't know that expression."

Ash smiles. "It means you're smarter than me," he breathes. Then, a little louder, "Means you guessed it. I guess. There's a lot, but that's certainly ... part of it."

"You can talk to me," Eiji whispers. "About that, or anything. I want you to talk to me, if it'll help."

"You want me to ... ?" Ash echoes. That ... Ah, fuck. Why is it so easy for him to tell himself that he should just shut everything in and everyone out?

Okay, Ash. Breathe. You can ... talk. To Eiji.

"I thought I wasn't human," Ash whispers. "Not really, anyway. I didn't see myself as a person." I still don't.

Eiji frowns, but he doesn't respond.

"And I definitely didn't think that ... I mean, Dino, he always—you know what I was there for. So why would he ... ?" Ash shakes his head. "It felt like a cruel joke, whether it was true or not. And in retrospect it's all so fucking obvious. Why would you train your sex kitten to fire a gun? Why would you teach a fuck toy the intricacies of politics? Why would you give the fucking Fleshlight an education, you know? But ... it never clicked. I just did what people told me to. Like I'd always done. Shooting a gun or answering an IQ test or—laying back and taking it. Whatever they told me to do.

"So I just ... never realized. That I was ever supposed to be anything—more."

Eiji holds out a hand to Ash, and Ash takes it, resting their joined hands on his knee. He wants to say thank you for that comfort, for that touch, but ... he doesn't really know how. He's never wanted to thank someone for touching him before. He's had to, but he's never wanted to.

"You still don't really think you're human, do you?" Eiji asks suddenly.

Ash barks out a startled laugh. "No," he admits. "No, I don't. I don't know how anyone could."

Eiji hums. He threads his fingers through Ash's, bounces their hands gently on Ash's knee. "You're a person, Ash. Like any other."

Like any other. Hm.

"I've been called a lot of things," Ash breathes. "But I don't know if like any other has ever been one of them."

Eiji smiles, and bumps his shoulder against Ash's again. "Used to being special?"

"In one way or another, I suppose." Ash ducks his head. "Good or bad. Angel or devil—never human, though. And never ... normal."

"You feel abnormal?"

"I feel ... plastic." Ash shudders, tempted to pull away from Eiji suddenly. "I feel like a blowup doll with a gun taped to my hand. I feel—" fucking disgusting. Why is that the part that's harder to say? Why doesn't anything make sense?

"You're a person, Ash," Eiji says, gentle but insistent. "And, more than that, you're a good person."

Ash tries for a smile. He's going to cry again, isn't he? "If you're going to lie to me, at least make it believable."

"I mean it," Eiji whispers.

And—yeah, okay. Ash pulls his hand away. Stands up, turning to face Eiji. "You don't," he says, hearing the break in his own voice. "You don't mean it. You can't. Don't—don't pull this shit on me, Eiji. Not you. Not you."

"Ash ..."

Eiji looks hurt, and Ash wishes he never made it out of that library. Or his coach's basement.

Sobbing suddenly, Ash drops to his knees. Eiji's still sitting on the bed, and there's something poetic about Ash being at his feet right now, maybe. Or maybe not. Ash isn't sure if he cares.

"Not you too," Ash says again, and he hates himself when he cries. Hates himself even more. "I can't deal with it. Not from you."

"I'm—I would never ..."

"You can't play these games, Eiji," Ash says, shaking his head. He looks up again, past Eiji at the overhead LEDs. Lets them burn his eyes, because the light still isn't as bright as Eiji is. "You can't do this. Please. Because I'll believe you."

Eiji's breath sounds shaky. It's got to be fucking 7 p.m. or some shit, but they're feeling emotions that should only be felt in the early hours of the morning, and alone.

Ash doesn't want to take this out on Eiji.

He doesn't want to drag Eiji down. He never has. But Eiji has stayed, and stayed, and stayed, and come back, and Ash doesn't know what to do with that.

He doesn't know what to do with someone who is—good, or—whatever this is. Good. Yeah, good. That ... Eiji's just so fucking good.

And Ash is ... not that. At all.

"I can't do this," Ash whispers. "I can't take the lies. Not from you." Ash sobs again and looks at Eiji. Fuck. He's crying too. "It's different from you," Ash tries to explain. "It hurts more. Or different. From you."

"I'm not lying," Eiji whispers. "How can I convince you?"

Ash shakes his head. "I don't know. I don't know." He tries to breathe. Tries to make sense of his emotions. Tries to stop being so goddamn pathetic all the fucking time. "Do you want to go to sleep?"

Eiji laughs, watery through his tears. "It's not even dark out yet."

"... Do you want to lie down with me?"

"Oh!" Eiji squeaks. He sniffles. "You want to?"

"Yeah," Ash whispers. "If you do." He leans forward, resting his head against Eiji's knee. Still on the ground; still at Eiji's feet. Still ...

"Come on, then," Eiji murmurs, shifting. He taps Ash's shoulder, and Ash looks up at him. It hurts, sometimes, somewhere inside of him. How much he cares about Eiji.

Eiji helps him up.

"I'm sorry," Ash croaks. "About—me. Who or—what I am."

"I happen to like who you are," Eiji says.

Ash has a thousand responses to that—a thousand counters, but nothing that would make Eiji happy. He doesn't respond.

Eiji shuffles over on the bed to make room for Ash. They're both still wearing day clothes, and Ash wants better for Eiji than sleeping in a hotel bed in jeans next to Ash Lynx. Ash wants—happiness, maybe, for Eiji. Peace. Again, just ... not this.

It's silent for a bit. The light is still on, and maybe that's okay. Ash isn't sure, but maybe he wants to see who he's with. He doesn't want to close his eyes.

The sounds of Boston aren't too unlike those of New York.

But then—Ash knew that already. He's been here before, somewhere between running away and landing back where he started but worse. Yeah.

"Ash," Eiji says, so quick and hushed that Ash isn't sure he heard it.

"Hm?"

"... Do you think you could hold me? If you want."

Ash glances over at Eiji. Neither of them are crying quite as much anymore, but ... it's still hard, being here with Eiji. A room he's never been in, a city he's barely been in, but—a setting that's familiar.

And a situation that's not.

"You want me to hold you?" Ash asks, confused.

"You don't have to. Sorry, I mean—you just talked about having to always do whatever, and—here I am just asking you to—"

Ash sits up. "You want me to?" he asks again. "Just ... hold you?"

Eiji averts his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "I worry that you're not—real, sometimes. Especially since"—he sobs—"when I heard that you were—part of me thinks you didn't leave the library."

Ash's eyes widen. Eiji's still not looking at him, and a pang of guilt surges through Ash.

He didn't want to make it out ...

"Yeah," Ash manages. "Yeah, I can ... hold you."

Ash takes Eiji into his arms, and Eiji tucks himself into Ash's chest, and—holy shit. Ash wants to cry all over again. God, he's never ... Nothing has ever been like this before. Why does it hurt? Or—why doesn't it?

He can't even tell.

"I'm sorry," Ash whispers. "I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Eiji asks, tears and laughter both in his voice.

"For ever ... leaving. For getting you to leave, and for ... leaving."

"... Oh," Eiji breathes. Then, "Oh, Ash. I forgive you. I really do. But ... please, stay with me. Please."

Ash holds Eiji closer. He wants to leave, but he doesn't want to let go, and he wants to leave this whole fucking world but he doesn't want to leave Eiji, but he should leave Eiji, but—

Why can't he just be ... ?

He doesn't know how he wants to end that question.

He's not even a fucking person, not really, and now he's trying too have some semblance of normalcy in his life? He was raised to be—what? A toy? The heir to the Corsican mafia? Both?

And now he's in his home state, trying to get a fucking birth certificate and—go to college or who the fuck knows what. Live some sort of ... life.

But he's holding his soulmate, so—

Oh. Shit. That word came out of nowhere.

Ash swallows. "Eiji?" he whispers.

"Yes?"

"I, uh—I think you're my soulmate. Maybe. Sorry."

Eiji breathes out a laugh. "I hope so, because I know you're mine."

"... Oh."

Well that was simple.

Since when has anything been ... ?

"Um—Eiji."

"Yes?"

"Is it okay if I fall asleep with you in my arms? I—I think I might. Sleep. Like this."

Eiji nestles closer to Ash, somehow, if such a thing is possible. "I might, too, if that's okay."

"Yeah," Ash whispers. "Yeah, I think it is. Okay, I mean."

Eiji hums. "Go to sleep, Ash."

"... 'Kay."

— — —

When Ash wakes up, it's to Eiji shaking him.

"What do you want?" Ash grumbles, distantly wondering if maybe he should get a soulmate who sleeps in.

"Ash," Eiji whines, and Ash can hear the pout in his voice. "Checkout is soon. You have to get up."

"Don't wanna." Ash rolls over, so Eiji fucking pulls the blankets off of him. First of all, rude, and secondly, cold. Literally. What the fuck.

"Up."

Ash groans, sitting up. He feels like he's been sleeping for a year, and also like he's never slept before in his life.

He feels ... not quite, but almost rested.

Weird.

He lays back down.

"Ash!"

"Just kidding," Ash mumbles, sitting up again. "I'm up. Man, the fucking library let me sleep more than this."

Eiji pouts. "Bad joke. Bad Ash. Spray bottle."

Ash snorts. "Okay, yeah, sorry. That one was in bad taste."

"I have some ... news, also. When you're up."

Ash sits up fully, blinking away the bleariness. "Good news or bad news?"

"Good!" But then Eiji pauses. "I hope."

"Uh—not super convincing, there."

"Well, get up and we can talk about it then."

Ugh. This is blackmail. Or reverse blackmail. Bribery. Ash knows words.

But bribery or no, he manages to get his ass out of bed. Eiji leads him over to Max and Jessica's room at the hotel, and Ash is getting more anxious by the second. But Eiji said it was good news, so ... ?

"Ash," Max breathes, and Ash looks away. Something about the way Max and Jess are looking at him—he can't meet their gaze.

"Hey," he mumbles. "What's going on?"

"We talked to Yut-Lung," Jessica says, and then before Ash has a chance to protest: "Max did, not Eiji."

Ash glares at Max anyway.

"He's going to get you the documents you need," Max says. "Like—today."

"What does he want in return?" Ash growls.

Max sighs. "Forgiveness, I think, but he knows that won't come easy."

"He's damn right about that. Still want to rip him to shreds."

"He's trying, Ash," Jessica says. "He's just a kid."

That ... stops Ash, somehow. Jess said the same thing about him yesterday. God, Ash, you're just a kid.

Okay. Fine. Maybe Yut-Lung is a kid, and maybe people can change. Not Ash, but people.

"I'm not forgiving him," Ash says, "but I'll take the stupid fucking paperwork if he's offering. I guess."

Eiji laughs. "Step one complete!"

"Step one?" Ash asks, raising an eyebrow.

Max and Jessica glance at each other, and Eiji takes a step closer to Ash. Puts a hand on his shoulder.

Ash glances around the room. "So what's the part you all know that I don't?" he asks, feeling something like panic, maybe.

"Ash," Max says, and it's horrifyingly emphatic. "I know this might be—a touchy subject for you. But Jessica and I were talking, and—this would be a ways out, of course, but—"

"Get to the point!" Ash snaps. Fuck.

Max grimaces, rubbing the back of his head. "Okay. Yeah. Once your—all of this is sorted out, and after Jessica and I sign the marriage certificate, we ... well, I know you're nineteen now, but I mean—there are adult adoptions all the time, and—"

Jessica holds up a hand to shut Max up. "Ash, we want to adopt you. If you would want that."

Ash blinks. "No you don't," he blurts. "Why would you want to adopt me?"

"Okay, uh—not a response we planned for," Jessica says. "But we care about you, and—"

"No you don't," Ash says again. "Like—sorry, but—bullshit. That's fucking bullshit." He looks at Max. "What's this about? If you want to fuck me you've had a million chances by now, so—"

"Ash!" Eiji snaps. Ash almost forgot he was here.

Ah, fuck. Ash kind of feels like he's shutting down or—something. What the fuck. "You don't care," he repeats. "You don't give a shit, and—I don't know what your motivation for this is, but—dragging Eiji into it is messed up, and—"

"Ash." Eiji again. "Ash, listen, please."

Forcing his eyes away from Max, Ash looks over to Eiji, and—okay. He already feels a little better. But ... "You don't understand," Ash mumbles, stepping close to Eiji until they're almost pressed together again. He shakes his head. "They can't care."

"They do, though. Why do you think all of us went on this whole trip?"

"I don't know. I don't fucking know. Nothing makes sense."

"Because you're missing a vital part of the equation, no? If you realize that we all care about you, then everything adds up."

Except it's not addition. It's more like advanced calculus, or differential equations. Rocket science, maybe, but harder.

And it doesn't add up. Because ... why would they care?

Ash shakes his head. "I don't like this," he mumbles. He wants to hide himself behind Eiji, which is fucking stupid, but it's what he wants. He wants to be protected from—everything.

"You can say no if you want," Max says. His voice is gentle, and Ash wishes it weren't.

"I don't want to say no," Ash mumbles. "I just—want you to mean it. I guess. Without—anything else."

"We do. Fuck, Ash ..."

"I know this is hard," Jessica says, and her voice is gentle too, and Ash is going to break down. "You don't have to decide now. After everything with—I know this is hard."

"Do you know how much it would hurt ... ?" Ash mumbles.

Eiji places a soft hand on Ash's back. "What?"

"If—if they hurt me," Ash says, even quieter now. The room is silent, like the room and the world itself is holding its breath, so Ash's voice feels like a fucking siren. He's always been ...

"Ash?" Eiji pulls Ash close, and Ash ducks his head into Eiji's neck.

"If they hurt me. It would hurt." He wonders if Eiji can feel his breath against his skin. "M-more than—because it's them, it would hurt—more—"

"Oh," Eiji breathes. "Oh, Ash."

"Because I want this," Ash explains, "and because I care. I don't want to, but—I care. Like if you—if you were to—it's different than with—I want to—trust—"

He's crying.

"Does it help that I trust them?" Eiji asks softly.

"Huh?"

"Max and Jessica. I trust them. I wouldn't let this happen if I didn't, okay?"

Ash ... Ash does trust Eiji, he thinks. Somehow. "I ..."

"You can take your time, Ash," Jessica whispers. "We'll wait for you, okay? There aren't any stipulations to this—no fine print. Just ... when and if you want—"

"I do," Ash blurts. He sniffles, then pulls back from Eiji. Eiji lets him go. "I want—this."

"You're sure?" Max asks, but he's smiling, and it's not—not a bad smile, but like—like happy in a way that's not greedy or—anything, and ...

"I ... I'm sure about—wanting this. I'm just ..." Ash takes a breath, trying to steady himself. Everyone just ... gives him time. Space. Whatever. "I'm just scared."

"That makes sense," Max says, nodding. "And that's okay. This is all under your control, okay? Every step of this process, you can be as involved as you want."

"Autonomy," Eiji offers.

Ash realizes a little late that he would have scoffed at that word not long ago. Instead, he nods slowly. "It's been a while since I've had so much to lose," he whispers. "And that's—terrifying. All of you, and—I didn't think I could trust anymore. Not really. Or that there were things like"—he gestures at Max and Jess—"parents who care, or"—Eiji now—"uh ... soulmates. Any of that. Anything good."

"We're here, Ash," Max whispers. Ash kind of wants to hug him, but—maybe not yet. Maybe he's not ready for that yet, and—maybe Max understands that, because he hasn't touched Ash like that—ever.

Which is weird.

And—trust is—weirder. But ...

"Tentative yes," Ash mumbles. "To—this. Whole situation."

Max and Jess laugh together, and it's soft, but their voices blend in a way that sounds like they're supposed to be together. Maybe Ash's voice sounds like that with Eiji's. Maybe.

"I, uh—I want to talk to Eiji before we check out, if that's okay," Ash mumbles.

"Anything, Ash," Max says quickly. "Anything you want."

"We'll be here," Jess adds.

Ash nods, then looks at Eiji. He tries for a smile, and they head back to the other room.

Eiji closes the door behind them, and Ash tilts his head back against the wall.

"You okay?" Eiji asks. "I know that was ... a lot."

"Yeah," Ash breathes. "It was, but I am. Or—I think I will be. Eventually. Maybe." He looks at Eiji. "I just—I wanted to tell you that I love you."

Eiji's face brightens. "Oh! I love you too."

And that does all sorts of things to Ash's heart, but he can worry about that later. "Also, I, uh—I still don't really feel like a ... person. Of any sort."

Eiji nods slowly. "I imagine it will take time to—relearn."

"... Yeah," Ash whispers.  "But I think—hope, I guess—that this is ... a step. Toward that. Toward being—something. Or ... someone, I guess."

"Thank you," Eiji whispers.

"I don't think you need to thank me for anything. Not after—everything."

"Thank you," Eiji says again. "Thank you, and I love you."

"... Okay," Ash mumbles. "Okay. You're ... you're welcome, and I love you too."