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I'm sorry.
I wanted to live forever with you all, to dance and sing alongside the family I had in all of you. I could have never asked for anything better. None of this was anyone’s fault, no matter how much I want to blame myself. I was always so sickly as a child, it was only natural that it would one day catch up to me.
Hiiro-san, your quirky responses were always so endearing to watch. The bright smile on your face could lift the clouds from my mind. As a leader you had charisma, the others and I could always follow your back fearlessly.
Aira-san, no matter what anyone says you always had the most potential. Perhaps you are still an infant compared to us, but you were so enthusiatic and joyful to stand on the stage. I loved teaching and coaching you, seeing the bright smile on your face every time some improvement was made. You’ve jumped leaps and bounds from where we began, alongside Hiiro-san.
Tatsumi-san, please don’t be so distraught over my passing. I was always so grateful to your unmatched kindness, directed at the lowly and filthy being that was me. Everyday was heaven alongside you, with your kind, beautiful words. There is too much I have to say, and not enough words for me to describe it. More than anything, I’m so thankful to have had you at my side. Even on my deathbed you continued to believe and have hope in the worthless me.
I couldn't be more thankful, to have lived my last days with you all. Thank you all so much.
Ayase Mayoi.
-
In front of his grave - in the middle of the icy rain - his brain still hasn’t comprehended his lover’s passing. The skies above lack bright sunny rays, ash grey clouding the comforting blue. Tatsumi still believes that Mayoi will slink out from any shadow, shy smile stretched on his perfect face as he mumbles, “i’m fine now.”
The rain soaks through his clothes, dampens his hair - both sticking to him like a sheet of ice. Mayoi’s weakened corpse, thin and sickly, fills his violet gaze. His hands tremble as his eyes search the grave endlessly for him.
“Mayoi-san… “
-
He sees him on his usual walk. HiMERU stops abruptly as a faint figure comes into view. On the path he and Kaname would have shared together, where they could have laughed and chatted together. He can almost feel the other at his side, bright grins and shining presence blinding his duller personality.
A dishevelled and soaked Kazehaya Tatsumi, looking absolutely heartbroken. While HiMERU hides under the safety of his umbrella, the mint haired idol stands alone in the rain, wilted like the flowers below him.
He stalks over to the elder, taking note of his clothing. Yesterday’s funeral clothing, “Everyone’s been looking for you Tatsumi” he’s given no response. The priest doesn’t even flinch at his sudden appearance, despite his ghost-like aura that usually catches many off guard.
“If you tell me you’ve been here since yesterday, I’m going to kick you”
HiMERU takes a closer look at Tatsumi's face, a glassy mirror before the shineless lavender. His eyes are red and puffy, tear tracks marked boldly on his cheeks.
“Tatsumi.”
Silence.
He reaches a hand for the other’s collar, he pulls it back and tries to drag him away from the grave. The sudden jerk from him is unexpected, “You’re going to get sick the longer you stay like that.”
His fruitless attempts are rewarded with a choked sob. HiMERU tries to pull the man away, but Tatsumi wrenches his arm away and falls to his knees. The imposter Kaname can only crouch at his side and watch as he breaks down completely.
His legs start to hurt after hours, strained under his own weight. ‘HiMERU should really do more exercise’ he thinks as he stands, 'For Kaname's sake. To be the perfect idol'.
Tatsumi has gone almost silent, only the tiniest sniffles audible from him. The sky over them has long gone dark, stars twinkling in the black abyss above.
“Tatsumi, it’s still raining and you’re wearing yesterday’s clothes. You’re going to get sick.”
The reimei student mumbles something that doesn’t reach HiMERU’s ears, “What?”
“HiMERU-san was hurt because of me” HiMERU stays silent, “I promised Mayoi-san he would be fine… but I lied. He must have hated me for giving him false hope."
"I've only hurt those around me… and I’ll keep hurting them if I stay with them," Tatsumi croaks, throat hoarse from a lack of use.
A part of him still reels from the sudden mention of his brother's accident (slaughter), but the rest of him feels… impossible as he thought it be, he feels sorry for the man- the broken man before him.
“Now you’re sounding like Ayase.”
“Mayoi-san was wrong about himself… He had so many redeemable qualities.”
His words come out so confidently, the shuuetsu student can see and maybe even touch Tatsumi’s love for him.
“I’ve hurt people- I started a revolution that hurt people, because I was stupidly stubborn. There’s nothing redeemable about me.”
“Perhaps I should really follow with my words, and gladly shine on the cross.”
HiMERU’s heart aches a little, he can’t understand if it’s his brother’s name or just how sad and pitiful Tatsumi is. Or maybe he understands his pain a little.
It’s even worse knowing that Tatsumi’s actions had bigger repercussions than he knows.
A fragment of him says ‘leave him behind. Kaname was hurt by him. He deserves the suffering, he’s right that he deserves death’.
He can’t find it anywhere in himself to agree with it.
HiMERU crumbled over the mangled sight of his brother- broken down in front of the pale and ghost-like figure. He sobbed into Kaname’s pale corpse. He held back tears when Kaname woke only to scream or groan incoherently.
He took his place and threw away his career for the time being to be an idol for Kaname. He mourned his loss everyday (continued to mourn), and visited the shell of his brother.
Tatsumi is going through that now. He doesn’t have the lilac haired phantom to cuddle and hug. The love of his life won’t appear from the shadows seeking comfort, he won’t be there to give Tatsumi the comfort he needs. He won’t see his skittish and lovable Ayase smile ever again.
Instead, he’ll probably remember the frail frame of his lover, holding a frozen corpse with a flat note in his ears.
“You should leave me here, HiMERU-san. Please, I don't want you hurt ever again… Not by my actions."
HiMERU decides to do the opposite. He loops an arm under Tatsumi’s and pulls him up. Water soaks through his own dry clothing, “HiMERU won’t be doing that. He doesn’t hate you so much he’ll leave you to die.”
“That's not what Ayase wanted.”
The elder flinches.
“If you're not willing to keep yourself alive then HiMERU will do it for you. it’s he (and my brother) wanted it.”
He lets the mint haired idol rest against his shoulder, ignoring the water submerging into his jacket. The absolute fatigue shows itself in the way Tatsumi practically sags into his touch. Emotionally and physically tired, HiMERU supposes.
“HiMERU-san… You shouldn’t forgive me so easily… You should hate me forever, curse me until I fall into hell.”
“You’re sounding just like Ayase- and don’t say you don’t have any redeemable features. I'm sure others will beg to differ.”
Tatsumi falls silent in his arms, so tranquil HiMERU almost thinks he’s fallen asleep. a sudden sneeze shatters the quiet and startles him, “Oh dear… HiMERU thinks you’re already sick.”
He feels for the elder’s forehead, and flinches as though he’s been burnt - he has, as Tatsumi’s forehead, or rather his whole body is unnaturally hot.
HiMERU sneaks a glance at his palms, small indents of cuts biting so deep he sees the smallest specks of crimson.
“How long have you been out here for?”
Tatsumi blinks as though he has just registered his fatigue, “Since… yesterday- I think. Since Mayoi-san’s funeral” he whispers weakly. That would make sense.
HiMERU heaves an exasperated and heavy sigh, one that makes Tatsumi frown sadly, “HiMERU will call Shiina to help out. We’re going back to your dorm. You desperately need to change. I’m getting soaked just holding onto you.”
The dial rings out five times before his grey haired unit-mate answers, “HiMERU-kun? What do you need?” His voice seems chipper, but he can hear the cracks of sorrow, “HiMERU has found Tatsumi. Would you mind coming to the cemetery?”
A multitude of surprised gasps cackle from the phone, some desperate cries and a solemn “Of course” before the line cuts. The rest of Alkaloid, he assumes. Amagi has spent a lot of time with his brother, and Oukawa stays by his online friend
"Tatsumi?"
A groan in response.
"Don't fall asleep now, Shiina will be here soon."
He says nothing. A few minutes of silence pass between them, nothing but the sound of splattering rain.
"HiMERU-san, you once called me an angel with three pairs of wings and eyes that kill anyone…" the imposter frowns, Kaname said that?
"You said that I would keep my eyes closed so I didn't kill anyone… Do you still believe that?" He hears hope in Tatsumi's whisper, eyes shining a little.
Kaname probably still does, has always looked up to Tatsumi. So 'HiMERU' has to also believe in that, or he wouldn't be HiMERU.
"Yeah… I still do."
A relieved smile stretches on the other's face, "Perhaps I shouldn't feel so happy over such an idea… but I truly am. To know that HiMERU-san still believes in me."
A call directs their attention to Niki.
"HiMERU-kun! I'm here" the silver haired cook skids to a quick stop. A small wave of water follows his feet and hits HiMERU in the face, who stares judgingly with a deadpan expression, “Sorry!”
The (supposedly) younger male shakes his head and brushes off the water, “Tatsumi, can you get up?” The idol in his arms blinks, then nods slowly. He lets him go and stands up, grimacing over the soggy feeling of his trousers. His legs were cold now.
Tatsumi grunts a little as he pushes himself off the ground, arms shaking with exertion. His legs tremble under his weight, so HiMERU takes pity and pulls his arm over his shoulder. Niki follows suit, uncharacteristically solemn.
The two of them, with Tatsumi’s arms linked around their shoulders, drag the reimei student back to the dorms.
-
“No, you’re showering first” Tatsumi’s about to collapse straight onto his bed until HiMERU pulls him aside and pushes him to the bathroom, throwing him a towel and clothes before closing the door.
The lights are dim, gentle to his eyes that are heavy from fatigue. For a moment the mint haired man wants nothing more than to collapse on the cold tiles and fall asleep, uncaring of his wet clothes.
He’s too warm though, and he finally convinces himself to take a quick shower at the very least.
Tatsumi finishes up his shower and throws his clothes on before falling onto the closest thing there was. HiMERU takes it on himself to dry the poor man’s hair.
“You've caused them a lot of worry,” he mumbles to himself, as he wrings out the water from the cloth and places it on the elder’s forehead, “but HiMERU understands the pain. He isn’t- ‘I’m’ not mad.”
(Somewhere else, a pair of golden eyes, glazed and lost, open. They search for familiar figures, groaning incoherently. A tear falls from them before they close again.)
-
Tatsumi wakes to a mix of uncomfortable heat and chill. He shivers under the covers, beads of sweat stuck to his skin.
His head spins and aches, a sort of tense fog gripping his mind. He groans and rolls over seeking a more comforting warmth, “HiMERU-san?” said man grunts in acknowledgement.
HiMERU-san sounds a little different… Did he? Was he imagining it? Was Tojou Kaname-san really here? Was this HiMERU someone else? Didn’t HiMERU-san have an older brother? Was this him? Was he talking to HiMERU-san's older brother?
“I'm thirsty…”
“Do you want some water?”
“Yes please..” his throat burns with every word, dryer than a desert ravaged by a hellish summer. What was he thinking about earlier? His thoughts waft away from his mind as the glass of water is handed to him. Its coldness chases away any feverish heat clinging to his hands.
Was it important? probably not. He takes little sips of the cooling liquid, scratchy throat soothed instantly.
"Aren’t you hungry?” HiMERU asks nonchalantly.
Hke shakes his head, lets himself lie on the soaked covers of his bed. while a small craving of food did growl in his stomach, the idea of food sickened him enough to gag.
-
Hours pass like minutes to him in his feverish haze - mindless droning in the back of his mind. He should visit Aira-san and Hiiro-san… They must miss him (he misses them).
Tatsumi leaves his bed, relieved he no longer feels so ill or sways on his feet. He quietly tiptoes out to avoid waking Koga. The door shuts with a quiet click. He goes to the kitchen for some water, taking a glass from the cabinet.
He must have tripped over his foot, because Tatsumi suddenly finds himself on the floor with a stinging palm. The shatter of glass reverberates in the silence of the darkened room.
Small specks of blood from where the cut aches on his hand. Tatsumi wordlessly stares at it, reminded of his lover kindly taking care of him when his leg hurt too much.
Tears prick his eyes. He wipes them away, desperately trying to hold back the sobs with shaky breaths. A flash of purple catches his violet gaze. Hope blossoms in his chest, despite knowing the truth.
"Mayoi-san… I don't know how to go on without you. My heart keeps aching, it never stops and I feel it never will. I've caused so much trouble, I'm scared I'll cause more. I don't even know how to face Aira-san or Hiiro-san, I don't know what to say to them."
"Mayoi-san… what should I do?" Tatsumi asks the mint eyed figure, gently shining in filtered sunlight. He smiles and tilts his head with silent words.
He cranes his neck to the windows and sees rays of gold peeking through the curtains, it’s already morning. The figure is gone when he looks back.
A baking tray stares at him instead. The idol frowns for a moment before determination fills his cracked heart.
At times like these he’s eternally grateful for the good memory he was bestowed upon, able to simply see Mayoi smiling shyly, right by his side as he baked and worked in the kitchen diligently. As though it was only yesterday…
A stifling quiet takes over as the cookies slowly bake, turning a rich golden brown overtime.
The ring startles him from his thoughts. Tatsumi turns the dial off and pulls out the cookies. He's hit by a soft and sweet scent of baked goods, wafting around the room warmly. It's very calming. Just like back then.
The idol seals them away in a box safely before making his way up, looking back one last time (just hoping Mayoi is there- he's not). He makes his way through the silent corridors and up the many stairs.
Tatsumi decides that Aira would most likely move to Hiiro rather than inviting the redhead, who had been intent on destroying idols months ago, to his room where Tenshouin Eichi resided (even if the senior did find it amusing at times).
The third year knocks once and waits patiently. A muffled, croaked “come in '' sounds from the other side. Tatsumi opens the door a crack, peeking in to see a shivering lump in the covers. Hiiro stares at the door with a glazed look in his usually brilliant, sapphire eyes.
“Tatsumi-senpai?”
The leader sits up straight, cerulean gaze desperate with hope. The lump pauses in its shivering, as Hiiro walks over and jumps into his arms. Tatsumi has barely a second to move the container under his arm before he’s barreled by two smaller bodies.
“T-Tattsun-senpai!!”
He stumbles and almost loses footing, arms over their shaking shoulders.
His heart aches to see their tears, they're too young to be suffering so much.
Tatsumi pulls them into the room and sits with them on Hiiro’s bed, his covers plush and soft. He runs a gentle hand through Aira's messy locks, smoothing away knots from days of being unkempt. Though he's not really one to talk.
Hiiro rests his head on the elder’s shoulder, “I miss Mayoi-senpai so much… Nothing’s been right without him.”
His words strike a painful chord within them. One that makes his eyes water. One that makes Aira whimper and one that makes Hiiro sniffle.
“I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Tatsumi starts, rubbing the younger's shoulder comfortingly, “We all miss him. it’s alright to say so, it’s alright to hurt about it” he combs through his crimson curls of hair, “I'm hurting a lot too. Take as long as you need, both of you. I'll always be here.”
Aira hiccups, pulling back to meet his emerald gaze with Tatsumi’s lavender, “b-but… I wanted him to be here longer… I still wanted to learn more with Mayo-san!”
The blonde’s face crumples as he sobs into the elder’s shoulder, “Regrets always come at the end, Aira-san… We can mourn forever but our regrets will never be fulfilled.”
He can’t be there for Mayoi anymore, but he can be there for Hiiro and Aira, at the very least.
“All that we can do is visit and pray for the joy of our beloved in death. Mayoi-san will be watching after all."
"... Are those cookies?" Hiiro peeks curiously inside the box with red rimmed eyes. Tatsumi nods. "They're the ones you and Mayoi-san used to make…" Aira laments.
"... They are."
Hiiro takes one, "Still just as delicious" and grins. Aira smiles and joins in.
Tatsumi holds onto them tightly.
("Hey look! It's the Christian!" "Is God gonna help you out? Is Jesus gonna come and save you?" "You're gross Kazehaya!" "We don't want you here?" "Get out!")
'Please don't ever leave... Aira-san, Hiiro-san.'
"I love you both so much."