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The room is spinning a little from the six-pack he drank, but it’s not like the terms of Touya’s probation included anything about alcohol. Just murder. General violence. Any use of his quirk whatsoever.
Yeah, he deserves a few drinks for putting up with it all.
Fuyumi cut him off at three drinks, but it wasn’t that hard to sneak more, not with all of their attention focused on Hawks anyway. It’s still a giant mystery why he’s suddenly invited to all their family get-togethers. Touya gets that the old man feels indebted to him, maybe a little guilty too, judging from how he always looks at the scar on Hawks’ face, but that doesn’t explain why the rest seem to always want him around too.
Well, minus Fuyumi—she only invites him when Natsuo or Shouto bring him up—but damn, even their mom seems to laugh at all of Hawks’ stories.
It’s gross. It’s bad enough that copious amounts of family therapy have led to these dinners, but it’s worse that someone who’s not even family comes as well.
Especially when said person has nothing but reasons to hate Touya, who this whole goddamn weekly dinner thing is supposed to be for in the first place.
Hence the beer.
“Uh, Touya? You okay? You’re not looking so hot there,” Hawks asks, squatting down to meet Touya’s eyes where he’s sat on the floor with his back against the couch. “I can help get you to your room if you wanna sleep it off for the night.”
“Don’t call me that. It’s Dabi. Or do you want me to start calling you Keigo?”
He smirks at the way Hawks’ face goes carefully blank.
“Sure, my bad, Dabi. Offer still stands though. Or would you rather Natsuo help you?”
Ugh, no, that idea’s even worse. Things with Natsuo are weird. Natsuo’s always staring at him, tensing up whenever Touya goes anywhere near Shouto.
“Nah, you can just,” he waves his hand around some, hoping to get his point across without having to talk anymore. Hawks seems to get it, considering he loops an arm under Touya’s and pulls him easily to his feet.
“Oh, Touya, are you alright?” They both freeze at the sound of his mom’s soft voice, and Hawks turns his face—bringing him way too close to Touya’s own—to give her a reassuring grin.
“Everything’s fine! Think he just had a few too many drinks. Not like I haven’t been there before.”
Touya wonders if everyone else can hear how forced Hawks’ laugh is. Maybe not, judging by the way their faces relax. Even the old man, who always looks so fucking pitifully sad when he looks at him, seems to calm down.
“Let me grab some water for him,” Fuyumi says, and disappears into the kitchen for a moment before reappearing to toss a bottle into Hawks’ outstretched hand. “Get some rest, Touya.”
Touya nods, or maybe he just bobbles his head a little, but it must be good enough since Hawks turns and walks him back to his room. Touya can hear his family burst into a flurry of whispers as they walk out, but he can’t make out exactly what any of them are saying. Maybe Hawks can—isn’t that how he got the jump on them during his spy mission? That was probably the one thing Touya fucked up, not knowing that Hawks could do that. Then again, could it really be considered a fuck-up when nobody knew that Hawks could do that? Fucking government secrets.
Oh, shit, they’re already in his bedroom. When did they get here?
“Just gonna set you down now, okay?” Hawks’ hand burns where it moves from around his shoulder to circle his waist. Huh. Touya thought they’d gotten rid of his quirk, so why did he feel so hot?
He flops down on the bed with the grace of a wet chicken, going to kick off his shoes before he realizes he’s not wearing any. Living back in his mom’s house is so different from all the places he squatted before.
“I’m gonna leave the water by your bed. Try to drink some before going to sleep. It’ll help with the hangover.” Hawks’ voice comes from somewhere above him, and Touya forces his eyes open—when did he close them?—to see exactly where he is.
He looks awkward, standing in Touya’s room, all the false bravado he usually has melted away. Probably because he thinks Touya’s too drunk to notice.
“I’ll see you next week, okay?” Hawks asks, and all of a sudden, Touya’s reminded of the reason he drank so much in the first place, and it really pisses him off.
“Do you not have anything better to do than shove yourself into my family?” he bites, relishing in how Hawks goes still. “Like seriously, I get your parents hated you but do you realize how weird it is to show up these stupid dinners every fucking week. It makes you look pathetic.”
“Dabi—”
“My name is Touya. The least you could do is get it right. Touya.”
“Touya,” Hawks carefully repeats, and the sound of it sends a pleasant shiver up Touya’s spine. “I’m not trying to intrude. I just wanna help. Promise.”
“What, like you helped Twice?” Touya laughs at his joke. “Like I actually want your help, stupid fucking hero. The only way you help anyone is by leaving them the fuck alone. Just ask your mom.” He laughs again, twisting around on his bed to lay on his side and focus on the lamp beside him so the room spins a little less. “God, I thought my family was a shitshow, but at least my parents didn’t hate me so much they fucking sold me.”
Hawks is silent.
“Cat got your tongue? Thought you were supposed to be the guy that always had a snippy comeback.”
Hawks sighs. “Are you done?”
Touya turns over again to look at him, and falls off the bed. Hawks doesn’t move to help him up, so instead Touya wrestles with the blue comforter he’d managed to drag off with him, but only manages to get the stupid thing even more tangled up. Fine. Whatever. He’ll just sleep on the goddamn floor.
“You just gonna stand there and stare at me all night, or are you finally gonna get the fuck outta my room?” Touya finally asks, trying to will the flush from his cheeks.
Hawks puts his hands up in a placating gesture. “My bad. I’ll get outta your hair.” He opens the door and pauses for a moment. “Don’t forget to drink your water before you sleep.”
Touya doesn’t throw the water bottle fast enough, and it ends up hitting the door instead of Hawks’ back.
“What the hell did you say to Hawks?”
“... Huh?”
It’s early, Touya’s hungover, and Natsuo’s loud just like he always was as a kid, too. It’s less cute now that he’s grown into the same over-six-foot hulking mass the old man is. Even less cute when he’s standing over Touya like a goddamn bouncer at one of the shitty dive bars he used to hang out in back when he was just a nobody villain trying to figure out how the hell to get revenge on Endeavor.
“He said he couldn’t come to our family dinners anymore when he came out of your room last night.”
“So?” Touya slurps down a spoonful of cereal. “He’s not family anyway. What does it matter if he’s here or not?”
“It matters,” Natsuo hisses, pulling the chair across from Touya out from the table with a loud screech, “because he’s our mediator. Now we have to find a new one.”
“The fuck is a mediator?” Touya grabs at the cereal box on the table, only for Natsuo to snatch it first, holding it above his head like he’s playing a game of keep-away as he plops down in the chair.
“Do you not remember what your counselor told us? And your psychiatrist? And your probation officer?”
Touya stares. Natsuo doesn’t like being interrupted when he gets on a roll like this.
“We’re supposed to have a neutral party for our dinners, at least for a while. Someone to keep things cool between everyone.”
Touya snorts. “Since when is Hawks a neutral party? I tried to kill him.”
“He’s the neutral party because he’s the only person that was actually willing to do it. Do you think anyone’s jumping at the chance to spend time around us? Around Dad? Around you?”
Harsh, but it’s not like Touya’s ever cared about his popularity before, so he won’t start now. He puts a knee on the table and lunges to snatch the cereal back from Natsuo before pouring way too much back in his bowl. Ugh. Now he’ll have to go to the fridge and get more milk.
“Are you even listening to me?!”
He looks up just in time to see Natsuo slam a fist down on the table, making Touya’s cereal rattle in his bowl. He sighs loudly.
“Yeah, I hear you. Sorry. Didn’t realize it would be such a big deal to find someone else. You know, we don’t have to do those stupid family dinners if it’s such a big burden to everyone. Sounds like they’re pissing you off more than helping.”
“... You really don’t give a shit, do you?” Natsuo laughs, running his hands through his hair and down the back of his head to clasp them behind his neck as he hangs his head down. “We’ve all been trying so hard, I’ve bit my fucking tongue so much and you just…” He trails off, sighing again.
Touya slurps down another mouthful of cereal.
“Fine. Whatever. I’m done.” Natsuo stands up, slamming his chair back into the table with another thud, this one big enough to splash some of the cereal out of Touya’s bowl. Asshole. Now he has to clean that up. “You should apologize to Hawks. He didn’t deserve whatever the hell you said to him to scare him away.”
Of course it comes back to Hawks. Why the hell are they all so preoccupied with him?
“It’s his own fault if he’s sensitive enough to get that upset over what a drunk guy said to him.”
“He still hasn’t found his mom, you know.”
Touya flinches, and the sound of his spoon smacking against the ceramic bowl echoes loudly in the kitchen.
“... What do I care,” he finally replies, sullenly. “Not my fault his mom is fucked up and ran away from him.”
Natsuo scoffs. “Of course it’s not your fault. Nothing ever is.”
Breakfast takes a lot longer to finish after Natsuo leaves, and after, Touya goes back to his room to sleep until dinner.
Surprisingly, Hawks agrees to Touya’s request to meet up. Which is a good sign. Probably. If Hawks’ feelings were really all that hurt by Touya’s drunk rant, he wouldn’t be so eager to meet again, right?
Right.
Then again, maybe Hawks just wants to meet so he can get back at him. Probably toss a few insults at Touya. Make them even.
Touya can handle that; it’s not like he gives a shit what Hawks thinks of him anyway. He’ll let Hawks get his frustration out, maybe even let him get in a good punch, and they’ll go back to normal with the dinners and everyone can stop looking at him like he kicked a puppy.
Hawks lands in the Todoroki backyard gracefully, the grass swaying a little as his wings pump hard to soften his landing. They look like they were never even gone: just as huge and brilliant and red as they were before. The only sign of their fight left is the scar that stretches from his chin down his neck into his shirt. Touya’s wondered a few times what it looks like underneath. The scarring has to be worse than what’s on his face, considering his back took the most direct hits from Touya’s fire. Hawks’ back is probably red and mottled around his wings; the skin probably pulls when he flies, but Hawks never shows any pain from it. Then again, that doesn’t mean much. He barely made a sound when Touya was trying to slow-cook him.
“Nice day out. Wanna stay in the yard for our talk?”
Touya just nods, not completely ready to speak yet. His silence doesn’t seem to bother Hawks, who slips off his jacket and lays it on the back porch before sitting down, his legs swinging freely over the side. Touya eases himself down to sit gingerly beside him, taking pains not to stretch his skin unnecessarily. He just had another round of skin re-grafting a few days ago, and it always makes movement awkward for a while afterwards.
“So, I’m assuming you called me over for an apology, right?” Hawks asks, inspecting the wood underneath them like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “Unless you just wanted to have a picnic and were short on friends to ask.”
Touya rolls his eyes and holds back from sniping back at him, as much as he wants to. “No, you’re right, I wanted to apologize.”
Hawks doesn’t say anything back, and when Touya turns to look at him, he’s got a single eyebrow raised. “So?”
“So, I’m… sorry. I guess.”
“Sorry, you guess,” Hawks repeats.
“Yeah, I shouldn’t have said all that. I won’t drink like that again, so you can start coming back to dinner.”
“ Holy fuck,” Hawks mutters, before saying, louder, “are you serious?”
“Look, I said I’m sorry. What the hell else am I supposed to do? You know I was drunk, everyone says stupid shit when they’re drunk. You’ve made your point, you don’t have to keep trying to punish me like this.”
“ Punish?” And there it is, the first shred of actual emotion Hawks has shown this entire conversation. His eyebrows are furrowed, his mouth slightly open, like he can’t believe what Touya’s saying. “I stayed away, like you told me to, and somehow I’m punishing you?”
“What else would you call it?!” A flash of adrenaline shoots through Touya: this is what he wanted, what he’s been looking for. “You knew that without you, Natsuo would stop showing up. Everything is too fucking quiet now, we all just stare at our food. Fuyumi doesn’t even try, she just—“ He cuts himself off; it’s too hard to describe how it felt when he got just a little too heated talking to Enji and Fuyumi pulled Shouto and Mom out of the room before he could blink. He didn’t even do anything, but the way she looked at him made him feel like shit.
Like she didn’t trust him at all.
“I’d call it respecting your boundaries. But then again, you’ve never been great with those, huh?” Hawks sneers at him.
“Goddamn, I had one bad night and you’re acting like I did something unforgivable. Shouldn’t we be past getting upset over a few insults? Can’t we just call this shit even?”
Hawks opens and shuts his mouth a few times. A bird flies in between them, tiny wings flapping frantically, and they both turn to look at it.
“Is my mom really still alive?” Hawks asks quietly. “I need you to be honest with me.”
“Christ, you’ve been around me all this time and you’re just now asking?”
“ Dabi—“
“She was fine when we left her.”
It’s quiet between them other than the sound of leaves rustling from the breeze. As a kid, Touya always loved playing in the backyard with Natsuo and Fuyumi. He just didn’t realize how much he liked it until later, after it was all over, after he finally realized there was no going back. Now, the yard is always silent like this.
“Why?”
Touya flinches at the choked sound of Hawks’ voice, but he’s frozen by it, making him unable to turn and check if Hawks is actually crying.
“Why what?” He tries, shooting for something unaffected, but his words feel shaky.
“The more I think about it, the more I don’t believe it. You’ve killed so many innocent people, just to get at Endeavor, and you’re telling me you left my mom alive when you knew I was a spy? It doesn’t make any sense.”
Well, he does have a point. From the outside, it definitely doesn’t make sense. But Touya’s reasoning… doesn’t exactly make him look good, and the whole point of this conversation was to get Hawks to forgive him, not hate him even more.
“Who cares if it makes sense? Shouldn’t you just be happy she’s alive? Gives you a chance to fix things or whatever you plan on doing.”
“I can’t. I can’t just take your word for it.” Hawks takes a deep breath in and out. “If you want me to come back, you have to explain why you didn’t kill her.”
Well, fuck. Fuck fucking Hawks and his fucking curiosity. If he’s really this hell-bent on knowing, Touya can’t stop him.
“I planned to kill her at first. But the more she talked—about you, about your dad, about the Commission—the more I wanted to see what she’d do. So I had someone watch the house after we left. I told myself if she didn’t leave within a week, then I’d kill her.” He huffs out a laugh. “She ran away after a few hours. I even read that stupid note she left you just to check if she left a way for you to find her.” He throws his hands up, finally turning to look at Hawks again. “But, nada. She was in the wind.”
“Why’d you even bother to give her a chance to run?”
Hawks is looking at him neutrally, but Touya has a weird feeling that he already knows what the answer is. Hawks has always been too perceptive like that.
“Because. I wanted you to know how it feels to be completely and totally abandoned by your family.”
“Like you were,” Hawks replies flatly.
“Like I w— like I thought I was,” Touya tries to correct himself, stumbling over the words. “Look, I’m not saying it was nice of me—“
Hawks laughs, the sound high and mean. It makes Touya want to scratch at his arms, or crawl out of his skin, or both.
“Again, not saying I did a good thing, but, isn’t it better than her being dead? At least you have a chance now.” He looks down at his lap, picking at the cuticles on his thumbnail. A single drop of blood appears, and he rubs it into the nail to make it disappear.
“A chance to what, chase after someone who doesn’t wanna be found?”
Hawks sounds hopeless, devoid of joy in a way that seems opposite of everything Touya knows about him. Even after Touya maimed him, Hawks popped up on TV a few days later, proclaiming his intention to go back into the field. It was like nothing could truly phase him, no matter what happened to him.
Hearing him like this now makes Touya uncomfortable.
“Doesn’t mean you should stop trying. After all, look at me,” Touya gestures to himself, but stops immediately when Hawks’ mouth drops open.
“Look at me? What, like you’re some kinda success story?”
Touya bristles. “I mean, I’m not running around the country on a murder spree anymore, am I? Think I’m doing a shitload better than I was. Besides, you’re not the measuring stick for me being successful anyway. I’m doing fine.”
He repeats this to himself twice more in his head, reminding himself of his therapist’s reassurances. He doesn’t need anyone else’s approval that he’s doing better. He knows himself enough to know how much he’s improved.
But watching that ugly sneer crawl across Hawks’ face makes him doubt.
“If you were really getting better, all your apologies wouldn’t be so half-assed.”
“Oh, so this is about you.”
“No, it’s about me and every other goddamn person unfortunate to get caught in between you and your hate for your dad. It’s about you trying to burn Shouto alive—twice!—and him being the one to apologize to all your victims’ families because they refused to see you or your dad.” Touya freezes, and Hawks laughs again. “You didn’t know about that, right? You know, I feel sorry for your family. Even Endeavor. They’re all so terrified if they make one wrong move, you’ll relapse. They’ve lived their lives on a knife’s edge since you came back, and what have you done to meet them halfway?”
“I went to everything,” Touya hisses at him furiously. He leans in close enough that he can see his own angry spittle landing on Hawks’ cheek, and he wished he still had his quirk so he could see it sizzle against the asshole’s face. Maybe even leave another burn. “I’m in group therapy five nights a week, individual twice a week. I’ve taken all the anger management classes, I’m at that dinner every goddamn week while all of you do your best to ignore me, and somehow I’m the problem?”
“Ignore you?” Hawks asks, “If Shouto says anything to you, you just grunt. I guess Rei’s a little better off—you at least nod to her.”
“And the rest? Natsuo? Fuyumi?” Touya swallows hard. His chest feels tight. “The old man won’t even look at me.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Dabi, get a grip. Endeavor’s scared to look at you. Last time he did, you tried to self-immolate. And you have to give Natsuo and Fuyumi time. First their older brother was dead, then he came back just to tell every dirty detail of their family history to the entire world.” Hawks sighs loudly and looks back at Touya, his eyes piercing him. “Fuyumi can’t go back to teaching because of you. The schools won’t take her. Too much publicity. And Natsuo… well, he’s still in school, but it’s mostly online classes now. Says he can’t handle everyone asking him about it and staring at him all the time.”
An ugly, heavy feeling builds in Touya’s chest. No one told him this before. Why the fuck were they all keeping secrets from him? Do they all just sit around gossipping about what a huge drain on their lives Touya is together?
He can’t help but wonder what hero life is for Hawks right now, but he can’t make himself ask.
“What am I supposed to do then,” he mutters instead. He picks harder at his nail bed, only stopping when Hawks sets a hand over his own. “They’re all mad at me over you not coming around anymore.” His eyes feel hot, but he knows tears won’t come. “They’d rather you be around than me.”
“I’m only around because of you, because they wanna help you,” Hawks corrects, and it pisses Touya off even more that he sounds so sure. “Your family barely knows me. That’s why me coming to the dinners worked in the first place—there’s no strong feelings there.”
For some reason, that hurts.
“No feelings at all? Even between me and you?” Hawks gives him a weird look and takes his hand back, and Touya rushes to fix his mistake. “Not sure I believe you’re not still at least a little pissed over me trying to kill you.”
Hawks sighs and stands up, letting himself drop onto the grass in front of the porch. He stretches his arms above his head, groaning a little bit as something pops in his back.
“I’m not. We were on opposite sides of a battlefield and I’d just killed your fr—” Hawks cuts himself off, staring at Touya for a minute with an expression he can’t decipher. “Coworker. No point in getting mad over it.”
The correction makes Touya want to bite back, but he doesn’t know what to say, and thinking about the League makes him feel almost as guilty as thinking about his family does.
“Wel, if you’re not mad about that, surely you can find it in your big hero heart to forgive me for what I said the other night?”
Hawks scrubs a hand over his face, and finally lets his irritation fully show. He steps to stand directly in front of Touya, so close Touya can feel Hawks’ body heat against his knees.
“If I go back to these dinners, we’re putting ground rules in place.”
“Like what?”
“Like you will never bring my family up again. Got it?”
Touya doesn’t turn his gaze away from Hawks’, even though the way his pupils have slitted makes him vaguely nervous.
“Fine,” he grits out.
“Good,” Hawks steps back, and Touya stops himself from grabbing at his shirtsleeve to pull him back towards him. “I’m glad we had this talk. Anything else you wanna say before I head out? Otherwise, I’ll see you at dinner Tuesday.”
Hawks picks his jacket up and shakes it out before shrugging it on, his wings folding gracefully through the slits at the back. He seems to take Touya’s lack of response as an answer, and he squats a little in preparation for takeoff.
“Can you tell Natsuo I apologized? So he’ll stop looking at me like I’m an asshole?” Touya asks, hoping he doesn’t sound too desperate.
Hawks looks at him from over his shoulder, and very carefully enunciates, “No,” before taking off into the sky.
Dabi stays outside to think until the sky turns dark.