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Dallas winced as a spike of pain shot along his side, instinctively biting down on his lip. He reached up to pat at the source of the pain, only to feel scratchy bandages. He opened his eyes just a crack, looking down at his chest. It was almost completely wrapped in bandages, most of them clean and white but some of them stained with faded, dried blood. As he looked down at them, memories of the night before trickled back to him and he layed back down with an irritated sigh. His head still felt heavy and thick, as if he was stuck underwater. His chest ached dully now that he was awake, the pain all too familiar at this point.
“I might as well get up sometime. Buck’ll probably want some kind of explanation for all this.” he muttered to himself, running one hand through his hair.
He hated the idea. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened at all, that was the whole reason he’d locked the bathroom door; so that no one could get in and he wouldn’t have to have an uncomfortable conversation.
But he hated the idea of staying up in his room all day. He felt stir crazy just thinking about it. So he pushed himself up off the mattress, doing his best to ignore the pain as it spiked up a notch. He took in a deep breath and started shuffling to the door, trying his best to straighten up and look more like himself. As he did so, he noticed a familiar jacket slung around his shoulders, kind of like a blanket. It was Buck’s, the one he’d had ever since they’d first met, and he suspected that he’d had it for even longer than that. It had a faded red patch on one elbow and a frayed nick in the collar, these things making it instantly recognisable, even if you’d only met Buck once.
“The hell have I got this for? He barely lets anybody touch his stuff, let alone me.” he grumbled, tugging at it irritably.
Shaking his head, Dallas opened the door and began stumbling down the stairs, trying his hardest to stay on two feet. He didn’t feel as dizzy as he had the night before but each step sent another bolt of dull pain firing through him. Not to mention his balance was still off by a long shot, making every step a swaying mess. He got to the bottom pretty quickly though and wandered downstairs, looking around for any sign of Buck.
“Oh, hey there, Dally.” a worryingly familiar voice said cheerfully.
Dallas’ head whipped to the side and he was greeted with the sight of Johnny sitting on the worn leather couch, the one with the arm that had started peeling off. He didn’t look like he’d slept much but he still looked pretty cheerful as he met his gaze.
“Are you alright? You’re not in too much pain, are you? Buck said to let you sleep for as long as you needed, unless you came downstairs asking for something.” he asked, a familiar tinge of worry entering his voice.
“No, I’m fine but where IS Buck? He’s usually around somewhere.” Dallas replied, looking around as he spoke.
“He’s gone out. He didn’t say what he was doing, he just told me to keep an eye on you and call him if anything went wrong. Specifically if anything went wrong with you.”
“God, I bleed all over his bathroom floor and the guy suddenly turns into my mother. Jesus christ.”
Grumpily rubbing the sleep out of one eye, Dallas padded into the kitchen, grabbing what he’d need for a cup of coffee. That’d help wake him up faster than talking would.
“You probably should go back to bed, Dal. I don’t think it's a good idea to be up and about right now.” Johnny continued, climbing off the couch and making his way into the kitchen with him.
“I don’t care about that. I’m not sitting up there all day, wasting my time. I’d go crazy in there, just staring at the damn ceiling.” he snorted, not looking at his friend.
“You don’t mean to tell me you’re going out today?”
“That’s the general idea, yeah.”
“There’s no way I’m letting you do that! You’ll get yourself killed!”
“Jeez, you need to have some more faith in me, Johnnycake, I know how to take care of myself. I haven’t wound up dead so far and it’s not happening today either.”
“You almost died just last night!”
“And I didn’t. Crazy how that works out.”
“Only because Buck came home early. If he hadn’t, then I wouldn’t be talking to you right now! You’d-You’d be…dead.”
His voice faltered at that, all the steam seeming to run out of him for a moment. Dallas felt a pang out guilt run through him and he sighed, turning around to face him.
“Yeah, ok, maybe you are right. It did get pretty bad towards the tail end of that night. I’m…I’m sorry…for worrying you.” he choked out, a sense of creeping discomfort clogging his throat.
He wasn’t used to apologising or feeling this many things at once. Moments like these were an uncomfortable reminder of why he didn’t usually do it.
But he’d scared his friend, when he was already scared half the time as it was. Despite all the uncomfortable things he was feeling, there was a part of him that didn’t want someone he cared about to be that scared at all.
He was greeted with only uncomfortable silence after he spoke and he chewed at his bottom lip as he struggled to think of something to say.
“So…I’m guessing Buck told you about what happened then.” he eventually spat out.
“Yeah. He told me the night he brought you back from the hospital.”
“Did he…tell anyone else?”
“No, no he didn’t. I don’t think he would. He doesn’t seem like that.”
“You don’t know that.” Dallas muttered bitterly, turning back around.
He wanted to tell him not to trust someone he didn’t know that easily, that it’d only end up screwing him over in the end, that it was stupid to think that anyone could have that kind of decency, that he was just setting himself up for failure. He wouldn’t say it though. If he said it, it’d come out sharp and cruel, barbed with resentment and buried feeling.
He’d sound just like his father. The thought made him sick.
“I know he cares about his friends, in his own way. He wouldn’t have left you his jacket if he didn’t and he wouldn’t have made sure to tell me to keep an eye on you if he didn’t.” Johnny added.
He wasn’t wrong. All signs pointed to Buck caring at least a little bit. He didn’t want to consider it though. Part of him was more worried about someone caring than someone doing the opposite. The opposite he was used to; it was predictable, safe in its own messed up way. Someone caring was foreign. It could mean anything.
He sighed again, irritated by all the foreign emotion. He didn’t like feeling this conflicted. Usually things were so simple, so uncomplicated.
“I just…have one question to ask. If that’s OK.” Johnny mumbled, his tone turning nervous and worried again.
“What is it?”
“...Why’d you do it?”
“What? Hack off my knockers?”
“Yeah. That.”
“I guess…I guess I just wanted them gone. That’s it. Kinda stupid, huh?”
Dallas could feel his eyes stinging as emotion bubbled in his chest and he started to feel sick. He was not going to cry right here, right now. No way in hell.
“I don’t think its that stupid.”
“Yeah…I know. I…I just didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling like shit. I wanted...I wanted to feel like myself for once. Seemed like a good idea at the time…Except now Buck’s gonna be on my ass every five seconds because of it.”
“He’s just worried, Dal.”
“He shouldn’t be, he should know by now that I can take care of myself.”
“We all know that you can. Everyone needs some help sometimes though.”
“I don’t. I can take care of myself. And that’s what I’m gonna do today. I’m not letting this ruin things for me, I’m spending my day just like any other day.”
“What, going out and getting in a bunch of stupid fights?”
“I don’t know, maybe. I wouldn’t turn it down if the opportunity presented itself.”
“You can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll get yourself actually killed this time. If just one person hits you, they’ll bust open every stitch you’ve got in you.”
“I’d just fix them once I got home.”
“If you got home at all.”
“I would, don’t worry.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m not letting you go.”
Taken aback, Dallas spun around. Johnny had crossed his arms and his brown eyes were glimmering with stubborn defiance. He didn’t put his foot down like this very often, but when he did it was like trying to move a mountain to get him to back down.
“How’re you gonna stop me then? Knock me out or something? Cuff me to the bed?” he snarked with a dark laugh.
“I don’t think I need to try very hard to stop you. You can barely stand up as it is.” he fired back, nodding in his direction.
Dallas hadn’t noticed that he was still swaying in place, his legs feeling unsteady after everything that had happened.
“You need the rest, Dallas. You’ll just be stuck inside for longer if you don’t get it.”
“Will you leave me alone about this stuff if I do get it?”
“Probably, depends what happens.”
"Fine, I’ll get some rest then.”
“Thank you, Dal.”
With resigned steps, Dallas made his way back up the stairs, Johnny following him up. He still didn’t like the idea but he might be able to get some more sleep, which would make the time pass quicker. He hoped so.
*
“Hey kid, wake up.”
Dallas felt a hand on his shoulder and he shoved it away on instinct, mumbling something incoherent and angry.
“What do you want?” he grumbled, throwing one arm over his face.
“I came up to check on you, see how you were doing. Plus, you’ve gotta eat sometime.”
From the sound of things, it was Buck. He must have gotten home.
“Where’s Johnny?” he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand.
“I’m right over here, Dally.” he chimed in, sounding equally as close as Buck did.
“Well, I’m fine. So go away.”
“Johnny said you were up and about earlier.”
“What do you care? I went back to bed later anyway.”
“He said you were planning on heading out and getting into trouble.”
“Seriously? Why was that detail important enough to share?”
“He asked if you were getting up to anything. I thought that counted as getting up to something.”
“I didn’t even do it.”
“You better not have. If you got yourself killed while I was out, I would’ve brought you back just so I could kill you myself.”
“Whatever.”
He rolled over, hissing audibly at the shock of pain the movement caused. That wouldn’t go over well. He didn’t want those two thinking he was in any more pain. It’d just mean they’d keep him inside for longer.
“Shit, you OK? You haven’t torn anything, have you?”
Great, so it hadn’t gone over well. Just what he needed. More time inside and those two fussing over him like he was a weak little baby or something.
He felt a hand touch his arm and he pulled away, curling in on himself like a dog backed into a corner.
“Leave me alone, asshole. I never said I wanted to be treated like a stupid kid for the rest of the day. You keep it up and I’ll show you how tough I really am.” He snapped, every muscle in his body tensing up, preparing for a fight.
Instead, he was answered only by silence. Nervous silence, the uncomfortable kind.
That was unexpected.
“Hey, Johnny, how about you head downstairs for a minute? Nobody's down there right now, you should be fine.” Buck said after a moment, Johnny quickly agreeing and walking out.
Shit. It must have been Johnny he’d snapped at, not Buck, like he’d originally thought. An angry bolt of guilt formed in the pit of his stomach, gnawing at him as he continued to sit there in silence.
“What was that?” Buck growled, after a moment.
“What do you mean?” He grunted, sitting up as slowly as he could, gritting his teeth in anticipation of fresh pain.
“You know exactly what I mean! What’d you snap at him like that for? It’s not like he’s ever done anything to you!”
“I...thought he was you.”
“I have no doubt part of you thought it was someone else too.”
“Watch it. You’re getting dangerously close to poking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.”
More silence followed that, leaving Dallas alone with his thoughts. Unpleasant thoughts, about someone holding onto his arm so tight it left bruises that stuck around for weeks or about someone grabbing his arm and dragging him out of where he’d been hiding, roaring at him about sin and the wrath of God.
He didn’t want to think about that. Not after what had happened the night before. It’d just bring everything crashing down around him.
“...I’ll go down and talk to him if you want.”
“No. You’re not getting up and gallivanting off at all. Besides, he’ll probably be back up here soon anyhow. That kid hasn’t left your side since I brought you home last night. He’s been stuck to you like damn glue. No idea why.”
“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“That kid’s way too good for a neighbourhood like this. He hasn’t let it drag him down, make him mean. But you, you’re the perfect product of your environment. So, you don’t exactly have much in common.”
“That’s fair. I don’t know why he hangs around me so much either. He’ll probably figure out what’s good for him and cut me loose in a while.”
The two of them lapsed back into silence again. Dallas’ thoughts were still racing around his head and he wished they would just shut up.
“You know we’re gonna have to talk about what happened sometime.” Buck said eventually.
“How about we don’t. Sounds a lot easier for everyone else.”
“The only person that’s going to be easier for is you.”
“And?”
“Dallas, I’m not going to just ignore the fact you almost died in my bathroom. Which is still a mess, by the way.”
“If I can ignore it, I’m pretty sure you can too.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t want something like this to happen again.”
“I don’t think it will. The stupid things don’t exactly grow back overnight.”
“And the feelings that made you do this don’t exactly go away overnight either.”
Dallas was quiet after that. Something about the way Buck said it sounded almost…vulnerable? Worried? Scared, maybe? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he hadn’t heard him talk like this before, not even when he was rip roaringly drunk late at night.
“Look, we don’t have to talk about it tonight, but I’m still going to bring it up later if we don’t. So what do you wanna do?”
“...I want to go back to sleep.”
“Then you do that. I’ll go see what’s going on downstairs. Tim said he’d be swinging by sometime tonight. He wants to know what’s wrong with you.”
“Don’t let him in then. Just lock the door or something.”
“I’ll just tell him you got in a pretty hairy fight, he’ll be satisfied with that.”
“Alright. And, by the way…thanks for the jacket.”
Buck paused by the door, what looked like the faintest smile ghosting across his face.
“You’re welcome, Dally.”