Work Text:
Megalomaniac Dark Lord Thwarted by Preteen Boy and His Pet Snake (page 2)
Dark Lord Returns Through Necromancy Ritual — Is Azkaban Escapee Sirius Black to be Blamed? (page 4)
Boy Who Lived Has A Man-eating Pet Snake! Proof Of His Steps To The Dark? (page 5)
Massive Breakout at Azkaban! Work of Notorious Murderer Sirius Black for His Lord? (page 7)
Megalomaniac Dark Lord Thwarted by Preteen Boy and His Pet Snake
By Rita Skeeter
Today has been a day full of revelations and shock as You Know Who, widely considered the most dangerous Dark Lord in history, rose again through what readers will know must be some form of necromancy. He and his forces, the Death Eaters which had been broken out of Azkaban only hours before, attacked Diagon Alley and the Ministry simultaneously with him leading the charge on the alley during one of the busiest days of the summer.
Things took a twist, however, when 12-year-old Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, while protecting some of his peers with a well-done protego — despite the restriction on the use of magic for underage witches and wizards — emitted a loud stream of incomprehensible hisses.
People of the alley were understandable even more terrified by the hissing but that was nothing to the sheer horror and shock when a sixty-foot basilisk faded into existence floating above the Alley and lunged to swiftly swallow the Dark Lord whole!
When questioned about the incident and why the snake was floating Harry Potter had this to say “she wanted to stay with me”. He left before this reporter could ask any further questions and refused to elaborate on his vague and disconcerting comment.
Readers will remember that Potter was recently revealed to be a Parselmouth last year during a practice duel with Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy — who recently made a sizeable donation to Hogwarts to aid in the healing of several of their students who had been petrified by as yet unknown means last year.
Potter’s comment only leads to more questions. Where did the snake come from? What type of snake is it? How can Potter control it? How did it fly? Is this his bonded familiar? Is Potter on the way to being a Dark Lord? Rest assured my dear readers, this reporter will find out.
For information on types of magical snakes, see page 10.
For information on parseltongue, see page 12.
For information on bonded familiars, including snakes, see page 13.
For a review of the issues at Hogwarts last year, see page 14.
For more information about Lord Malfoy’s generous donation, see page 15.